This Is a Gardening Show (2026) s01e04 Episode Script

[mellow music playing]
[grunts]
-[man] Oh, !
-Sorry.
[music ends abruptly]
I first started a garden
when I moved to Los Angeles
because it just seemed
like a really good place to garden.
And I grew peanuts.
As the years went by,
I would travel around
and go see different gardens.
I remember I was in Greece,
and I was on Crete,
and I was scooting around,
and I saw this old man
in his potato patch.
And I just realized then,
this guy looked so happy.
And also,
I'm just judging from the way he looked,
he also looked really wise.
And that hit me then,
"Oh, I want to die in a garden."
The Olive Garden.
I want to…
I want to overdose on breadsticks.
Call out the instigators ♪
Because there's something in the air ♪
We've got to get together
Sooner or later ♪
Because the revolution's here ♪
And you know it's right ♪
We have got to get it together now ♪
[song fades out]
[mellow music playing]
Today we're gonna talk root vegetables.
Or vege-tables.
[excitedly] Or veggies.
I feel uncomfortable saying,
"What's up, doc?"
and taking a bite out of the carrot.
I'm not doing that.
[sighs]
What's up, doc?
I'm sure that's a trademark thing
we can't do.
Hi. What's your name?
-Mac.
-I'm Zach, Mac.
Have a seat. Can you sit there?
-Uh-huh.
-How's that?
-Yeah.
-Mac, do you eat vegetables?
Uh, broccoli.
-You ever eat french fries?
-I love french fries.
-Now, where do those come from?
-Potatoes.
That's what we're here to talk about,
is a root vegetable.
Mm-hmm.
Nice to meet you, Luna.
-Do you know who Yulia Tymoshenko is?
-No.
She's the ex-leader of the Ukraine,
and she used to wear headgear like that.
Then she got put in prison.
Clara, I'm Zach.
Are you comfortable?
-Yes.
-Well, good. 'Cause I'm not.
-I heard you had a joke for me.
-What's a tree's favorite drink?
What?
Root beer.
Whoa!
Because "root."
Gosh, that is a really good joke
for 5 and a half.
Can I tell you a joke?
-Yes.
-You ever seen The Aristocrats movie?
Oh, I've heard of it.
You've heard of it?! [laughing]
I want you to tell me
that's a root vegetable or not.
Potato.
It's a root vegetable.
-Carrot.
-Root vegetable.
Lettuce.
Pray.
Dear Lord…
-Parsnips.
-Root vegetable.
-Good.
-Fennel.
Root vegetable.
Rutabaga.
-Root vegetable.
-That's right.
-Suzanne Vega.
-Not a root vegetable.
Do you know what ginger is?
I eat it on my sushi.
How about Mary Ann?
I never tried Mary Ann.
-Gilligan?
-Never heard of it.
-The Professor.
-Kinda.
-What's your favorite movie?
-Elsa.
-Is she from Frozen?
-Yeah.
-And she sings those songs?
-"Let It Go."
Let it go, let it go ♪
That's mine ♪
Don't ever touch it again ♪
Let it go ♪
Well, we can't get the rights
to the real song, so…
Where do potatoes grow?
-You have any idea?
-In the dirt.
And you know
how you get a potato plant going?
It's the easiest thing in the world.
-Go home.
-Mm-hmm.
-Ask for a potato.
-Mm-hmm.
Put it in your window.
And let the potatoes
sprout out a little bit.
Cut it in half,
and throw it in the ground.
And that will give you about 20 potatoes.
-Are you fascinated by that?
-Yeah.
-Are you sure you're fascinated by it?
-Mm-hmm.
-100% sure?
-Mm-hmm.
Can you look at me and go,
"That's fascinating"?
That's fascinating.
Thank you.
Did you know that the orange carrot
was designed by the Dutch to be orange?
And orange is
also the official color of my liver.
-From all the drinking.
-Hmm.
-Well, Clara, let's--
-[alarm sounding]
-What's happening? What?!
-[children clamoring]
Oh, don't… Look at these animals.
[laughing]
-Do you wanna talk about vegetables?
-Yes.
-Do you like carrots?
-Yes.
Any other root vegetables
you want to talk about?
I don't like potatoes.
-Mashed potatoes?
-No.
-You don't like french fries?
-I like french fries.
-What about hash browns?
-No.
How about potato cakes?
Ick!
-How about crab cakes?
-Disgusting.
Urinal cakes?
I have no idea what those are.
Well, I hope you never learn.
-Knock, knock.
-Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
-Interrupting--
-Moo!
-Knock, knock.
-Who's there?
Benjamin Netanyah.
Benjamin Netanyah who?
Finally.
Let us know if we're in your way, okay?
Does anybody have a Taser?
-No.
-[laughs]
[mellow music playing]
[animals grunting, screeching]
[man] Whoo-hoo!
[music fades out]
-[Zach] Can you say "Action"?
-[man] Action.
[mellow music playing]
Hi. We're at Amara Farms.
We're gonna talk
to root vegetable specialist Arzeena.
Can I stop smiling?
[man] Do one normal.
That was normal.
That's my real personality.
Once you get to know me,
I'm a really great guy.
[groans]
[mellow music playing]
-Arzeena.
-Hey.
-Hi. How are you?
-Good. How are you?
-Zach. Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you, Zach.
-So what is this place?
-This is Amara Farm.
We grow a number
of different types of vegetables,
carrots being one of them.
It's one of the fan favorites.
[Zach] Wow, those are beautiful.
Now, it doesn't…
-The rubber bands don't grow…
-No, no. [laughs]
-Is that a dumb question?
-No, that's not… Yeah.
-Yeah. Okay.
-Yeah.
[Zach] Man, look at this place.
Oh my God.
-We eat the root of a carrot.
-Yeah. Yeah.
But we do not obviously eat
the root of a tomato plant.
-No. Yeah.
-Why? What's the difference?
Some plants, they put all their energy
and their sugars into a fruit.
Some of them make nice, big, thick stems
like asparagus or celery.
But root vegetables
are putting all of their energy
into the root part,
where all the carbohydrates
and the sugars are stored.
[Zach] So all the sugars are going there.
-The flavor, the taste.
-Yeah.
So we're here in a cleared bed.
The area has been weeded,
and we're going to be planting carrots.
-So we're just basically stepping--
-Put it as deep as you can.
Yeah. Yeah. You got it, man.
You want a job?
If you really want me to come volunteer,
I would do it.
-I just love learning all this stuff.
-Nice.
-Yeah, these are tiny.
-And they're a bit of a princess.
So try and space them at least an inch.
It's really important
not to bury carrot seed too deep.
-So just barely covering it.
-Just kind of dusting it a little bit.
Very, very lightly.
I actually walk on the row
so that you've got good contact
between the soil and the seed.
How did… What's the DUI test?
And you have to do the alphabet backwards.
[Arzeena] I can't say
that I've had to do it.
Yeah. I've never done one. Thank God.
-Yeah. Yeah. No.
-I usually would just crash.
[Arzeena laughs]
As soon as carrot seed is planted,
we put floating row cover
over the carrots.
This feels like it'd be a nice underwear,
the way it feels.
[Arzeena] Oh yeah?
If I can't find it,
-could I use Grandma's pantyhose?
-Most garden centers--
You could use sheer curtains.
[laughing] Grandma's pantyhose,
probably not.
-You know, something--
-She was a big lady.
[both laughing]
Oh, these are gorgeous and seem ready.
[Arzeena] You can kind of get a sense
from the top.
The good size
is about an inch in diameter.
-So look at that. Voilà.
-[Arzeena] Yay!
I'll even eat the dirt.
-It's all organic, so there's nothing--
-It's so much better that way. Right out.
This is the best carrot I've ever had.
It really is.
Yeah, they're super sweet.
Should we go talk potatoes?
-Let's do it.
-Let's do it.
[mellow music playing]
[Arzeena] Again, you know,
you want a nice clear bed.
Potatoes are a lot more forgiving
than carrots,
so your soil doesn't have to be so fine
and, you know, well-prepared.
I'm really proud of my soil.
'Cause I've been working…
-I've been conditioning it on my own.
-Yeah.
This is why I'm glad I'm not single.
'Cause this is the kind of thing
I would tell a woman in a bar.
-I take, uh, chicken poop out of the yard.
-Yeah.
I dry it in the sun.
-And then I put it in a coffee filter.
-Yeah.
And then I make…
That's how I make my own manure.
Would you like to meet my parents?
-[both laugh]
-Okay.
[Arzeena] So you first wanna start out
with seed potato,
which is smaller versions
of the potato itself.
You leave it out for about three
or four days so that it starts to sprout.
That's about the depth.
You don't actually have
to go down too deep.
-[Zach] Okay.
-Yeah.
And then you wanna put in your potato.
I like to space my potatoes
a minimum of two feet apart.
-You just cover it up.
-Cover it up.
-Now, that depth will work?
-That depth will work.
Potatoes really don't need much else.
-They're so hardy.
-Yeah. They are.
It can withstand quite colder soil.
It'll just come up and go gangbusters.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
[sighs with satisfaction]
Oh, that feels good.
So, this is
where we actually had potatoes last year.
And I'm experimenting
with some cross potatoes.
They were crossed sexually.
So we--
I have no idea what kind of potato is--
This is a family show.
[laughs]
We still gotta talk about
the birds and the bees, you know?
Plants have to do these things too.
By the way, the birds and the bees
is so complicated.
If you tell a child, "I'm gonna teach you
about the birds and bees later,"
I thought birds and bees
would marry each other
-and then have babies, freak babies.
-[laughing]
-Anyway, I got off track. Go ahead.
-Yeah.
So, I don't know what's under here.
-Do you wanna place a bet on the color?
-Dun-dun-dun.
I got 15 on purple.
Purple? Okay.
That's good. There you go.
It's pretty easy to know
when the potatoes are ready.
[Arzeena] Potatoes will give you
some signals.
As they start to get older,
the leaves will start to yellow,
and they'll start to die back.
And that's the sign that your potatoes
are mature and it's time to pull them up.
-Okay.
-There you go.
-And you said…
-15 on purple.
Purple?
Okay. Let's see what we got here.
[Zach] What?!
I have never seen a potato like this.
So I would call that a pink fingerling.
I don't know about purple.
-Yeah, it's a nice color, hey?
-Yeah, it's beautiful.
You get to keep the 15 bucks.
[Arzeena laughs]
-We do have one last patch.
-Okay.
Which I know is gonna be
a very different color potato, 'cause--
No, no, no. Don't try
to get 15 more dollars out of me.
But if it's worth the bet, I might do it.
I'm excited.
-Double or nothing.
-Okay.
[laughing]
-I'm gonna go blue.
-[Arzeena] Yeah.
I'm out $30.
-Look at that.
-That's perfect, yeah.
So this is called a Nootka potato.
It's actually more closely related
to the potatoes grown in South America
than our current modern potato.
And historically,
this is the potato that's been grown here
for over 200 years.
-[Zach] Oh, look at that.
-See, we forked that one.
[Zach, in high-pitched voice]
I'm dead. I'm dead.
[mock crying]
-All right, should we go wash these off?
-Let's do it.
-Okay, right here? On this?
-Yes.
-Look how beautiful these treasures are.
-[Arzeena] Go for it, please.
[Zach] I don't think
I've really done this.
What's happening?
[Arzeena] That's it.
And just let go.
It'll eventually turn off by itself.
-How long does it take?
-I don't know.
-I have an outro to do.
-[Arzeena chuckles]
[mellow music playing]
-Arzeena, thank you so much for having us.
-You're welcome.
This has been a real treat
and very educational.
It was a hoot.
-Okay, can I stay here tonight?
-Yeah.
Oh! Okay, wonderful.
-Dinner's on.
-Is it? What are we having?
-Potatoes and carrots. [laughs]
-No, thanks.
After all that, "No, thanks." [laughing]
I'm gonna go to a drive-through.
This is all for the camera.
[mellow music continues]
[music ends]
[epic music playing]
[Zach] Ancient Greeks and Romans
used beets…
Beets! That's right, beets.
…to treat a wide range of ailments,
such as headaches, constipation,
toothaches, wounds,
and even skin problems.
For constipation, I mean, I assume
they would just simply insert a beet
into their rectum.
If anybody wants to fact-check that…
-[mellow music playing]
-[birds chirping]
-Hi, everybody.
-[child] Hi.
-My name is Dr. Galifianakis.
-[child giggles]
Doctor Elephangaggalus?
Just…
Just "Professor Galifianakis" is fine.
What is this?
Sweet potato.
Does this look like anything else
besides a potato?
[child] Kidneys?
It looks like a chicken wing.
It looks like my Aunt Louise's gout,
is what it looks like.
-Is this a root vegetable?
-[children] Yes.
-What is it?
-[child] Radishes.
-Would you like one?
-I've never had one.
Here. They can be a little strong.
Just nibble on it.
What do you think?
It kind of tastes like a basement.
-What do you think this looks like?
-[child] Grapes.
I was gonna say
skin tags under my armpits.
It looks like mini balls.
[music stops abruptly]
Like tiny balls or a lot of balls?
A lot of balls.
[laughing]
You're exactly right. It does.
Does this look like anything or anyone?
A giraffe with a giant lump on its belly.
I'm a human with a giant lump on my belly.
Okay.
Now, does this look like anybody to you?
Ryan Reynolds?
-Ryan Reynolds, definitely.
-Doesn't it look like him?
I thought the same thing.
Just kind of bland and plain.
Nothing going on.
Okay, garlic.
What does this look like to you?
[girl] It looks like Lilly.
It looks like Lilly?!
How dare you?!
Helen!
-[giggling]
-In the middle of a garden show.
That does not look like me.
-Who likes garlic?
-I hate garlic so much.
I love garlic. I eat garlic.
You know what garlic's really good for?
Farting.
[horn in distance]
[giggling]
Thanks, Marcus.
We've been working on that joke for years.
Finally paid off.
[birds chirping]
[Zach] Hey, darling? Hey.
It's Zach.
Yeah.
Um… Um…
Listen, I… I lost our last $30
on potato gambling.
I know. I've got a problem.
Beatrice, can I just…
Beatrice?
Bea… Hello?
Hello?
[Zach sighs]
The future's agrarian, I guess.