Two Years Later (2026) s01e04 Episode Script

1
Can you read me?
What do I need?
You okay?
I have a boyfriend.
You've been having a fucking
affair this whole time?
Come on, we hadn't
had sex in almost a year.
Oh, it's all my fault.
- I didn't say that.
- You literally just did.
So it didn't go well, then?
Well, I've got all my shit
in the back of my car, so,
as well as expected.
I just want you to be
happy.
It's okay to feel lost.
Sometimes it clears the path
for new things to happen.
So
This is the date.
I love that.
Do we have a game plan?
Listen, I've got a list,
but I am prone to impulse.
We could end up with a
lot of spontaneous purchases.
Do you need me to rein you in?
Just so I know the ground rules
here.
I mean, you can try.
You'll never convince me
in the moment, though.
Everything is an amazing idea.
Ah, no thanks.
Mike says "Fucking
great"
Do you have reception?
- Just gone to no bars.
- Oh, man.
Do you think they do this on
purpose?
What, create huge shells of
metal and concrete to block
reception,
so you can't look at your phone
and compare prices?
Probably.
They do have free Wi-Fi.
Ew. I don't use public Wi-Fi.
You don't use public Wi-Fi, do
you?
It's free.
Public Wi-Fi is like public
toilets.
You stay out.
Oh, you don't use public
toilets too, do you?
Of course. But guys don't
have to sit down.
- No surface contact.
- What a charmed life you lead.
Ooh, cutlery.
15 bucks.
Done.
Do you think this couch is me?
Could be. Might be.
You never know until you try it.
Think that pineapple
is staring at you.
Yeah.
Do you owe him money or
something? -
Hey, don't stare.
Uh, [laughs] I'm so sorry.
He's got ADHD.
It's fine. I'm a big
fan of pineapple.
It has a lot of health benefits.
They had a
back-to-school dress up day,
but,
um it was supposed to
be job themed.
Do you want to be a pineapple
when you grow up?
No, the suit's from last
year's fruit day.
Uh, he didn't want to be the
only kid
not dressing up, but, um, he
doesn't know what he wants to
be.
It's okay. None of us do.
There are worse things
to be than a pineapple.
I believe you could do it.
Say "bye".
Bye. Thanks.
Oh.
Can we stay here forever?
No.
Come on.
Everyone has ADHD these days.
Is anyone still just a rude,
weird arsehole?
Are you calling that little
pineapple an arsehole?
No, he was cute enough.
But let him be weird and awkward
and see what happens.
He could turn out to be really
fun.
These are very nice.
18 pieces for 40 bucks.
That is very good.
- Should I get 2?
- For dinner parties?
How many friends do you have?
I don't have any friends.
But I use all my dishes
and I like clean things.
I just don't like cleaning
things.
That sounded pathetic.
I'm not a loser, okay?
I have friends
I think.
How many friends do you have?
Let me see. Uhh, none.
I don't have any friends.
Really?
I mean, I used to have a drink
with people from school
once a year and
work friends like Helen.
But now I don't really hang
out with anyone.
Yeah, me neither.
Are we losers?
I mean, I don't really
feel like a loser, do you?
Yes. I do.
How do we not have any friends?
We're amazing people.
I would love to be friends with
us. -
This article says that
millennials
have the least amount of friends
of all the generations.
What did you search?
'Why don't I have any friends?'
Are you getting a signal?
I'm on the Wi-Fi.
'27% of millennials
have no close friends.'
'30% have no best friend.'
'20% report having no friends at
all.
We're like the worst segment of
that.
'Overall, 30% of millennials
report feeling often or always
lonely,
significantly higher than
other generations.'
Wow.
Do you feel lonely?
Yeah
I do
Sometimes.
Ooh, spatula.
Dollar fifty.
Or I could get 2 for 6 dollars.
As an accountant
I mean, it's more, but you get
That's 2 meals before
I have to do the dishes.
Well why not 2 of the cheap
ones?
Well
These ones have solid
acacia wood handles.
Is that good?
Sounds good.
Well, it sounds like you
already know what you want.
Hey, I'm cheap,
but I'm easily swayed.
And these could end as your
spatulas too, if you play your
cards right.
Well, I love the wood ones.
Really? Me too.
Good choice.
How is this display bed
so much nicer than mine?
Well, next payday,
I'm getting a new bed.
Or a deposit on one.
Are you a spooner?
- Do you need me to be?
- No.
I never turn my back on anybody.
- That's how they get you.
- Good.
I'm more of a turn and meet
in the middle kind of guy.
Ahh, this is nice, right?
Do real people actually spoon?
I'm sure some people do,
somewhere. -
We've been swapping left
and right these past few weeks.
What side do you naturally sleep
on?
Traditionally I fall on the
left. -Uh oh.
Me too.
Well, flip you for it?
- Do you have a coin?
- I have an app.
- Installed?
- Mmm hmm.
How often do you use that?
Oh, you'd be surprised
how often I use it.
Okay.
- Heads or tails?
- Tails.
Interesting.
Ahh oh.
My phone died.
Didn't you charge it on the way?
Hey, this is my workhorse.
Texts, emails, notes, research.
My entire life is on this
thing
and I forgot to charge it last
night.
How often do you charge yours?
Like, once every couple of days.
Wow.
What a life you live.
It's okay.
I have a charger.
Dead?
I forgot to charge the charger.
Okay, let's keep it moving.
Still no reception. -Oh. This
is like a horror movie.
Big maze. No phone signal.
You should have listened to the
old man at the gas station.
Mmm, he did say a lot of people
go missing around these parts.
Pull yourself together.
Focus. We've got to get to
higher ground to see if we can
get a signal.
Come on.
- Rrrahh!
- Oh God!
You idiot!
But I'm your idiot.
I like this, but I don't
see the bin in this colour.
Why don't you just get a
different coloured bin?
Have you been paying
any attention to my cart?
I've got a colour scheme
going on here.
Change of plans.
What about black?
Do you see your toothbrush
parked in a black toothbrush
holder?
The black is a bit too intense.
What about the aqua one?
It's turquoise.
But yeah, I like it. Good
choice.
But now we have to redo
the whole thing.
Do you even need a
bin in the bathroom? -
Do you know anything about
women?
You're really throwing up
red flags here, dude.
'Red flags to look for when
dating a new man.'
Hmm, this should be good.
'He's over 30 and still
lives with his parents.'
Technicality - grandparents.
Or is that worse?
I don't think so.
I think you've got
a pretty sweet setup going on.
It's kind of separate
from the main house.
I give you a pass on this one.
- Well, thank you.
- Hmm.
When was this quiz written,
1980?
I can barely afford
the rent on this new place.
If that's a red flag, then we
are all fucked in this economy.
'He seems a little too perfect.'
We'll see.
'He promotes an alpha attitude.'
'He spends more time
with his friends.'
Oh God, they're really digging
in the boot, huh?
Pass.
Uhh, are you allowed to do that?
Well, it's not stealing.
It's going to be mine in 20
minutes.
'He is not emotionally open.'
See, I don't really get that.
What does that even mean?
Oh, I think it just means you're
forthcoming and honest
about your feelings.
I mean, I feel like I've been
pretty honest with you so far,
haven't I?
Yeah, you have. As far as I
know.
Did you want me to tell you
every single thing that I'm
feeling?
'Cause I've done the open
book thing before,
and it's never really worked
out. -That's interesting.
Unpack that for me.
I mean, I do this thing where I
understand people pretty
quickly.
And when I express my
observations
in an open-hearted way,
they tend to get mad.
It doesn't really sound
like you're being emotionally
honest about yourself, though.
It sort of just sounds like
you're
talking at people, which sort of
sounds a bit rude.
Noted.
'He is over 30 and never had
a long term relationship.'
Ohh.
Go!
What was your longest
relationship?
5 years.
Wait, what?
When?
25 to 30.
What happened?
It kind of just played itself
out.
Oh, come on, you have to give
me more than that.
What was she like?
What was her name?
Did you ever get engaged
at any point? [laughs] Come on.
You have to give me something.
- Her name was Sam.
- Mmm?
And she was great.
It wasn't her fault.
And no, we were never engaged.
How? Sorry.
This is none of my business.
No. It's fine.
I just never really asked.
It shouldn't have gone on
for as long as it did.
I I knew it wasn't
really going to last, and it
wasn't really fair on her.
How'd you know?
I mean, you just know, right?
Yep.
Okay.
So. Longest relationship.
No.
'Scuse me, this is a
'red flags for dudes' quiz.
Fair's fair.
Okay, fine.
2 years with David.
But by circumstance, we got a
little locked in by the old
pandemic.
And what about before that?
Hmm
I guess just a couple of months.
Really?
A couple of months.
Is that it?
Wait, am I the red flag here?
'He avoids talk of commitment
and remains elusive about the
future.'
Well, I did ask you to
marry me, didn't I?
But that has been a
problem in the past.
David asked me to marry
him after a year.
- Really?
- Mmm hmm.
- And what was your answer?
- Nothing.
I just ran to the bathroom and
he never brought it up again.
'He has a history of cheating.'
- Never.
- Never?
Hmm. Pass, obviously.
But never before.
Have you ever been cheated on?
Nope. Or, I don't think so.
Not that I know of.
I have.
Well, I'm not gonna do that.
Yeah, that's what they all say.
Yeah, but I'm not them. I'm me.
You know, I didn't even have a
proper boyfriend until after
high school.
I find that hard to believe.
Well, believe it.
And when I did, I got the big
fish.
The most popular guy at school.
Captain of the football team?
No.
The thing about my school was
that the douchebags were the
cool kids.
Ugh, it was so dumb.
I was just so over
the moon that he had picked me,
that somebody had picked me.
I'd been a real nobody at
school.
- Come on.
- No, it's true.
Anyone will tell you.
And they'll tell you how lucky I
was.
And I believed it.
I was somebody for,
like, 3 months,
and he was cheating on me
the entire time.
And everyone knew.
And they still said I was lucky
because I was the public
girlfriend.
How fucked up is that?
- It's up there.
- Hmm.
And it was with my sister.
- What?
- Mmm hmm.
Yeah, I come from a town
where everyone fucks everyone
and nobody gets out alive.
Except you.
Did I, though?
You still talk to her?
Not if I can avoid it.
A couple of times a year.
5 minutes on birthdays and
things.
- They have a kid now.
- They?
Yeah, they're still together.
They're married.
- Holy shit.
- Yeah.
Ah, it's fine though.
They were built for that place.
I dodged a bullet,
and they seem happy, I think.
- But still.
- Yeah.
But still.
All right.
'He's a serial dater with little
or no gaps between
relationships.'
Okay, you know what?
This quiz is fucking stupid.
If everyone used this as a
yardstick to decide and define
their relationships, it's no
wonder everyone is alone and
miserable.
I mean, who can pass this shit?
We failed half of this stupid
quiz.
And yet, here we are.
Here we are.
Ahh, fuck 'em.
28 29.
- This one.
- 35.
- 'Grönsta!'
- Oh!
Dang, that's heavy.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Woo!
So this is my shout.
This is the best date ever.
So I've been making my way
through your reviews and
articles.
- Uh oh.
- Very funny.
Thank you.
No, I knew you were, like, funny
in real life and everything, but
you're a great writer too.
That's very nice of you.
And I read your short story.
Wait, what?
My short story? How did you?
Have you been cyberstalking me?
Yeah, you inspired me.
Did you not trawl
through my social media
and find out
everything you could about me?
Fair enough.
I didn't know you were an
award winning author.
Second place.
- Did you get a trophy?
- I got a certificate.
That's an award.
Hi.
The whole contest folded
a year later.
I think the bar was
getting pretty low.
Okay?
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
I loved it.
'And the air was filled with
coconut smoke and the dense
tang of a hundred
clashing fragrances.'
Oh.
That's my favorite line.
Thank you.
You get paid to do what you do,
which would stand to reason
that you're good at it. Right?
You're really good at it.
Okay Is this going to be
one of those 'you're too good
for what you're doing' things?
No.
I'm just letting you know that I
think you're great at what you
do.
Thank you.
So, are you good at accounting?
Yep. But I'm not gonna make you
read a bunch of spreadsheets.
What you do is quantifiable.
Entertaining talent.
People like that.
I almost had one of those.
Had one what?
A kid.
Really?
Right at the start of lockdown.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
I was probably pregnant
last time I saw you,
and I didn't even know it yet.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
Good thing that you didn't
hit on me then, huh?
What happened?
Err, it didn't take.
I miscarried after 15 weeks.
I've got a septate uterus.
- A what?
- Ah, my uterus is like a nose.
It has a septum running
through the middle.
Wow. Never heard of that before.
Yeah, neither had I.
But I'm hopefully gonna get it
fixed
now that elective surgeries are
back on. So don't worry.
You're not going to be saddled
with some vaginal freak show or
something.
I did ask the doctor
if I could ever have kids,
and he said, 'we'll see'.
So that's a very cool
thing to carry around at 35.
I'm sorry.
- Mmm.
- That that happened to you.
It is what it is.
That's what they say, right?
Something like that.
Can I be honest?
This is such a horrible
thing to say. But
I was actually kind of relieved.
How did David take it?
Very cavalier, very pragmatic.
I mean, he is a doctor, after
all.
He was like, 'it's okay.'
'Just wasn't meant to be.'
And I was like, this whole
fucking thing isn't meant to be.
And I knew there and then.
I think he did, too.
But we stayed in it anyway.
I've always been really scared
of being alone.
And then the pandemic hit,
and suddenly
everyone is isolated.
I mean, I didn't even see
anyone really, other than
David for like 2 years.
And so I was scared of leaving
him
because I didn't
want to be truly alone.
But I was still lonely
even when I was with him.
After we lost the baby,
I don't think either of us
wanted to lose anything else.
I don't think human beings are
meant to be stuck at home alone.
I think we're meant to be
out in the world
Living
Eating meatballs at IKEA.
The kid would be, like,
over a year now.
I mean, can you imagine
me with a kid?
I can barely take care of
myself.
Hey.
Come here.
Well yeah, there's the story.
There's your out, if any of that
is a deal breaker for you.
It's not a deal breaker for me.
Even after all that?
Especially after all that.
As far as skeletons go,
you're doing fine.
Sorry.
What's up?
Antonio quit as CEO
and his company just shut down
the entire online publishing
section.
I think I just lost my job.