United States of Al (2021) s01e04 Episode Script

1
Riley, take a picture of
me with the lawn mower.
- Why?
- I want to send it to my cousin Zubair.
He is going to be so jealous.
He likes lawn mowers?
He likes rich people, and
I clearly am living with one.
Mm.
Hmm?
- One more.
- Yeah.
Nice. All right.
Oh, yeah. Hey.
Now-now look away.
Now look back at me.
Yes.
Hey, let's do one of the ones
where you're walking towards me.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Ready? Go.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Oh, dude, the camera loves you.
Yep. We got it.
- Suck on that, Zubair.
- (LAUGHS)
All right. Great job, Hazelnut.
- Here you go.
- Thanks, Grampy.
Uh, Hazel, why did your grandfather
just give you a dollar?
'Cause I picked up the leaves.
But this is your grandfather's house.
Doing chores is your duty.
Give that money back to him.
Dad?
Dad?
- It's fine.
- It's fine.
It's fine.
Oh!
(GARGLING)
I'll never get used to that.
Riley.
Forgive me if I am overstepping,
but I do not agree with the way
you are parenting your daughter.
I don't agree with the way you gargle.
She is spoiled.
Oh, no, she's not.
You clean up after her,
you ask her what food
she wants for dinner.
When I have a child, they will
wait for me to come home,
take off my socks and rub my feet.
Hazel wouldn't rub my feet
if there was a genie in them.
Because you have not taught her.
She does not see you
rubbing Mr. Art's feet.
Well, feel free to show her
how that's done.
I recommend gloves, but you do you.
Children are like saplings.
They will grow in any
direction you bend them.
No, man, she's got her own personality.
She's gonna grow into
whoever she's supposed to be.
Now she has personality as well?
I was not allowed to have
a personality until I turned 18.
And this is the one you chose?
Dad, will you sit with me
until I fall asleep?
I don't want to have a bad dream.
Yeah, of course, honey.
Bad dreams are God's way of
getting you ready for the world.
(CHEERING OVER TV)
Do people watch
basketball in Afghanistan?
A little, but we really
like a game called buzkashi.
It is like polo, but instead
of a ball they use a dead goat.
Awesome.
- But also sad.
- Hmm.
Is Michael Jordan in this game?
What? He's, like, 100 years old.
Hey. Who's playing?
Not Michael Jordan. (CHUCKLES)
You good?
Oh, very good.
Good.
Hazel, you should stand up
when your grandfather enters the room.
- Why?
- As a sign of respect.
What if you don't have legs?
Hazel, an elder is wise.
Much like the rings on a tree,
the wrinkles on your grandfather's face
are the mark of experience and wisdom.
What if you're tied to the chair?
Stop finding loopholes.
(EXHALES)
You guys are messing with me.
Uncle Al says we have
to stand because you're old.
AL: No, no, no, Mr. Art.
That is not what I meant.
You are still very young.
Mashallah. Not even a single bud
from a thousand flowers of
your life has blossomed yet.
You just said he was wrinkled.
I did not say that.
- Yes, you did.
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
- No, I didn't.
Calm down.
- Grampy, can you get me some juice?
- Sure.
- Uh, Mr. Art, please wait.
- Yeah.
Uh, she is the one who
should be getting you juice.
I don't want juice.
Doesn't matter.
She needs to know
her place in the family.
She should sit closest to the kitchen
so that if anyone needs anything,
she can happily run and get it for them.
The order should be
the youngest by the kitchen,
then the parents,
then the guest, then the elders.
Yeah, that's not gonna work.
Puts me too far from the bathroom.
What flavor?
- Grape, please.
- Excellent choice.
Pairs well with popcorn.
Yes, you did.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Oh, no.
Bad news?
The worst.
It is a picture of my cousin Zubair
on a lawn mower you can ride.
"Very best number one"?
No matter what I have,
he always has to outdo me.
Dude, that picture's Photoshopped.
How can you tell?
Well, the shadows are all wrong.
And that's Vin Diesel's body.
Oh, there is no level to
which he will not stoop.
Hmm. Can you do this Photoshop for me?
Yeah, easy.
Then there is no level
to which I will not stoop.
(SIGHS) I told you I'd do it.
Yeah, well, telling me
you're gonna do it
won't fix the leak next time it rains.
Hey.
Somebody forgot to wash their ears.
Thanks, Grampy.
AL: Oh.
Now she gets paid to have dirty ears?
At least she helps me around the house.
Must have skipped a generation.
It'll get done today.
I know, 'cause I'm gonna do it.
Oh, don't try and guilt me.
Guilt's not gonna work.
All right, wait up.
Hazel,
as the youngest,
it is your job to wash the
dishes and to clean the kitchen.
(CHUCKLES) You're funny, Uncle Al.
(LIZZIE LAUGHS)
- Lizzie, as the next youngest
- Don't.
You think I'm doing
a bad job with Hazel?
Hell no.
You're the second best dad on this roof.
Al thinks she's spoiled.
Well, of course he does.
Did he tell you how as a kid
he played soccer with a rock?
So I'm not messing her up somehow?
Look, if you were a bad parent,
you wouldn't even
be asking the question.
You're doing great.
Speaking of being a great dad,
I wish you'd reconsider coming
to work for me, your great dad.
Please. Let's not go down
this road again.
Come on, what else you doing?
No one's paying you to do pull-ups.
I appreciate the offer,
I just want to find my own thing.
Well, this could be your own thing.
When I die you'll be the boss of
your own construction company.
I don't want to be the guy
whose dad had to give him a job.
You know, it just seems
kind of pathetic.
You're living in my garage.
It's already pathetic.
Just give me a little time.
Well, how much time you need?
You bailed on college,
you bailed on being a real estate agent.
For God's sake, you bailed
on being a bail bondsman.
All right, that's not my fault.
It was nothing like
Dog the Bounty Hunter.
Eh, stop screwing around.
Come to work for me.
No. And quit asking.
Where you going?
Check on Hazel.
Well, at least think about it.
I created a construction company
that's deeply in debt.
I want to pass it on to somebody I love!
Where were you?
Outside.
Barefoot?
Yep.
(SIGHS) You cannot go outside barefoot.
The neighbors will think
you are a savage.
Grampy gets the mail in his boxers.
I think it's too late.
What's going on in here?
That girl is out of control.
She is a few years away
from being a bank robber.
Bend that sapling, bro.
- (LOUD THUD)
- ART: Damn!
LIZZIE: Oh, my God, Dad!
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.
- What happened?
- He fell off the ladder.
- Are you dizzy?
- Eh, maybe a little.
Okay, all right, look at me.
- You know what day it is?
- Uh, yeah. Five days
after I asked you to fix
the damn chimney!
It really seemed like a bad fall.
Yeah, we're gonna take him
to urgent care.
Al, can you watch Hazel?
- Of course.
- Lizzie,
- give me some ice. All right.
- Okay.
Hazel, get the pizza boxes
from last night and some tape.
We're gonna make a splint.
Can you feel your foot?
Yeah, I feel it. It hurts.
Why were you up there
fixing the roof, Mr. Art?
This is what your children are for.
Have you met my kids?
Oh, good girl. Let's
elevate his leg, okay?
- Mm-hmm.
- (EXHALES)
(GROANS) Damn it.
Here.
- Thanks, Lizzie.
- Is he gonna be okay?
No, he's gonna be a pain
in the ass for years to come.
Hey, my hearing still works.
What painkillers
do you have in the house?
Oh, uh, all of them. Be right back.
Bring something legal.
Mm-hmm. Everything is fine here, Riley.
I am making us something to eat.
Okay.
Call me when you know.
Grampy okay?
He will be.
They are taking X-rays.
What is that?
It is called sabzi.
It's my favorite.
Great.
You eat it.
Hazel, you are being
very disrespectful right now.
Come on, take a bite.
What's it made of?
- Spinach.
- I don't like spinach.
- You will like my spinach.
- I'm allergic.
Liar. You should have said that first.
I know.
Hazel, you cannot push me around
like you do with your father
and grandfather.
Now
you will sit there until you eat it.
I hope you don't have any plans
for the rest of the day.
I do not.
Good.
Just so you know,
I waited three years for a visa
to come to this country.
I am a very patient man.
This is my fault.
I never should've let him go up there.
Like you could've stopped him.
Well, he's a piece of work, huh?
Remember when we rushed him to the ER
to get his thumb sewed back on?
(LAUGHING): Oh, yeah.
After they wheeled him
out of the operating room,
I asked him how he was doing,
and he went
"Great!"
- (LAUGHS)
- (SIGHS)
You know, he's still on me
to go to work for him.
So why don't you?
Ah, I don't know.
Boy, that is feeble.
It's hard to explain.
I got nowhere to be.
When I was in uniform,
I felt like I was doing
something important.
You know, taking care of my guys.
Helping the locals.
Yeah, okay.
So it's hard going from all that to
fixing kitchen counters every day.
It doesn't have to be forever.
I mean
think of it like your marriage.
Thanks, sis.
Riley, I'm not trying to
tell you how to live your life.
You sure about that?
You're an adult man who's sleeping
on a couch in his father's garage.
Maybe be open to taking advice.
(SIGHS) Fine.
You made a huge sacrifice
for your country.
Consider making
a small one for your dad.
Are you hungry yet?
Nope.
I think you are.
You look hungry.
Once, Gandhi didn't eat for 21 days.
I did a report on him.
What score did you get?
That's not important.
Don't you dare.
Don't
you
dare!
How dare you.
Why do you care so much if I eat this?
Because as your godfather,
it is my job to make sure
you become a good human being, Hazel.
Isn't that my parents' job?
Yes, but you can never have too many
loving adults criticizing a child.
If I'm gonna stay here
for the rest of my life,
can I at least get my iPad?
Of course you have an iPad.
You probably bought it
with your dirty ear money.
How will you ever learn to deal
with the challenges
and hardships of life?
I have plenty of hardships.
Like when the supermarket
has no grape juice?
How about when my dad went to war?
And I had to be brave and not
cry so he wouldn't be sad.
And then he came home
and he moved out again.
You probably lived longer
with him than I did.
Right.
Of course.
All that time he was with me
he was not with you.
Yeah.
But he would want to be
with you every day if he could.
He didn't ask me
to move into the garage.
Why do you get to?
Because, Hazel, that was the only bed
that was offered to me
when I came to this country.
So I took it, and I said thank you.
Because I know how to
be grateful for what I have.
Well, I'm not.
One day,
you will see that for
the incredible luxury it is.
Not today.
Oh, I get it you are very stubborn
and always think you're right.
Thank you.
(KNOCKING)
Hey, cute dress.
Hey, one more word out of you,
I'll turn around and bend over.
So what'd the doc say?
Hairline fracture.
Said I have to wear a boot
for a couple of weeks.
I say I'll be fine by Monday.
Hmm.
Because you know more than the doctor.
Exactly what I told him.
So listen, I was, uh,
thinking about your offer.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, I'm open to it.
But one thing.
Seriously?
You think you get a thing?
Yeah.
Well, think again.
I fell off a ladder, but I
didn't land on my head.
You want me, you take Al, too.
That's it?
Absolutely.
In fact, the hell with you,
I'll just take Al.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
What changed your mind?
Honestly, Lizzie.
She said I should stop being selfish,
- and do something for you.
- Oh!
Whoa, I'm doing this for you.
You're not doing nothing for me.
The hell I'm not.
I'm being selfless.
Well, I don't want you to be selfless.
Well, too bad, I'm doing it anyway.
- I sign your paychecks!
- And I'm saving your ass!
My ass is fine you want to see?
Right.
I'll see you later, old man.
Hey, you want to get fired on day one?
We need to talk.
About ordering a pizza?
No.
Then no.
I want to tell you a story
about your father.
Okay.
Once, we were on mounted patrol,
and our vehicle got stuck in a riverbed.
No matter what the squad did,
we could not get it out.
And we could see a ridge nearby
where the Taliban could attack us from.
Everyone wanted to leave.
But your dad knew if our
truck got into enemy hands,
they would use it against us,
and there was no way
he was going to let that happen.
So what did he do?
He made us spend the longest,
coldest night of our lives
waiting to be attacked.
- Were you?
- Oh, yes.
Just before the sun
came up, they came at us
with everything they had.
- What happened?
- What do you think happened?
We defeated them.
All by yourselves?
Well, there were a few F-18s
with laser-guided bombs that pitched in.
But we did the heavy lifting.
Dad never told me that story.
Mm, he is modest, I am not.
My point is
the stubbornness I see in you
is also in him.
And sometimes
it can be a very good thing.
But this is not one of those times.
Now eat.
Okay, now give me abs.
More abs.
Okay, that's too many abs.
Oh, yes. Much better.
Can you have me riding a Jet Ski?
Hang on.
Like this?
Oh, Zubair.
I am about to ruin your Monday.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(PHONE CHIMES)
Da gora zoh!