Vladimir (2026) s01e04 Episode Script

Nice doing business with you.
You too.
What?
- You have NRE.
- What's that?
New Relationship Energy.
Don't start with that.
- Do you want a drink?
- Definitely.
I'll return them.
- Lila?
- Hi.
Hi. What… Do you wanna come in?
Uh…
- Is that for me?
- You can read it later.
Well, I'm making Negronis.
You want a Negroni?
- Who is it?
- I'm sorry.
What are you doing out there?
Who were you talking to?
Um…
- What's that?
- Uh, nothing.
- She just give that to you?
- Nope.
- Can I see it?
- No.
- I just wanna…
- No, really. No, John.
- Really, it is nothing. Nothing at all.
- Just let me see it.
- Nope.
- Can I just see it?
Why are you acting so crazy?
Okay, well, I have to go put
the deer netting back on my lettuces.
"I understand my role
in the end of our relationship."
Mom, there's, like, hummus on this.
"However, your act of retaliation
destroyed my life."
Oh, each word is more dramatic
than the last.
"You knew of my financial situation,
so when you prevented me from getting…"
- I didn't.
- "…the Meckleburg Scholarship…"
- I didn't prevent her.
- "…you knew I would have to drop out."
You told me you didn't know any
of Dad's accusers.
"If you are unwilling to recognize
the harm you caused…"
"Recognize?" What does that mean?
"…I'll bring your actions to the attention
of the hearing committee."
- Why did you lie to me?
- I don't know.
Oh, honey, you have a sty.
Oh, no, this eye just, like, flares up
if I don't sleep.
Oh God. So what do I do?
Well, unlike whatever Dad did,
retaliation is actually illegal.
- What time did you leave Cornell?
- Like, I don't know, 3:00 a.m.
You and your friend have a fight?
No, just not super into girls who want
to cuddle their queer friend in bed
rather than actually hook up.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
I mean, illegal like I could go to jail?
No. No, don't be dumb, Mom.
You're not gonna go to jail.
- Well, you said illegal. Illegal?
- You could lose your job, for sure.
But I… I think…
I think she just wants an apology.
For what?
Well, did you prevent her
from getting a scholarship?
No!
Okay, is there a way to prove that?
Yes.
Nice pumps.
- You going out tonight?
- Why?
You're all dressed up. The pumps.
Will you stop saying "pumps"?
So is this for colleagues or a colleague?
Please, I'm not in the mood.
I did not retaliate against Lila.
I believe you. We'll prove it.
Those would look better without the sack.
I get compliments on this dress
every time I wear it.
From women, I assume. Good.
Say hi to your colleague for me.
Hope he likes the pumps.
Pumps.
Pump!
- I love that dress.
- Oh.
- Esteemed Madam Professors…
- Thank you.
…may I humbly invite you to
our a cappella soiree ere this Friday eve?
Wonderful.
- Remember when a cappella wasn't cool?
- It's still not cool.
But it's less shameful,
and that's unfortunate.
- Those people have sex.
- No, they don't, actually. Not anymore.
Right. They're too busy
calling their moms.
- Did you call your mom in college?
- She never answered.
I called my parents once a month, and
I couldn't get off the phone fast enough.
We'll see how long he lasts.
You don't think he will?
You know how these hotshot writers come
from the city, thinking they can coast,
but then it's like, "Buckle up, Bingo,
it's a hell of a lot of work."
Pri, when you were head of
the Meckleburg Selection Committee,
do you remember the year
that Lila Green applied?
I heard she joined the case.
I was worried she'd drag you into it.
Did we file the submissions
and the scoresheets?
However you voted,
it would've been understandable.
- No, don't say that.
- What were you supposed to do?
"You fucked my husband.
Here's your prize"?
No, I would never
hold that against someone.
It's only about the work,
and the work was subpar.
- Do you like improv comedy?
- No.
We kept records.
They're probably in a storage closet.
The department is so…
Goddamn it. What's the word?
When you're not digital, you're…
Analog?
Motherfucker. Yes! We are so analog.
Oh my God, stop it!
Now they… have sex.
Yes… they do.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.
You have some dust in your…
Hmm.
Classic.
Am I in your way?
Binder clips.
Oh, beep, beep!
Rubber bands.
John, other than the storage closet,
where else would they keep
the scholarship files?
- Beats me.
- What are you doing?
They're under no obligation to share
evidence, so I exploited Dad's old texts.
We said that she wouldn't be involved.
- Then you showed her that letter.
- And we got the date of the hearing.
- When is it?
- October 20th.
- So soon?
- Tell me about it.
So get out your courtly blues.
- If you're planning on coming.
- Of course she's coming.
I'll put it in my calendar.
Are you drinking?
A beer. It's five o'clock.
No, no. It is 4:45.
She just opened it.
She's drinking in the middle of the day
because of you.
- That make you happy?
- It's 5!
Oh, it's five o'clock somewhere.
Wine o'clock.
She's a lawyer.
Do you have the money to pay?
The point is, these prove
that the relationships were consensual
and nobody suffered professionally
or academically because of Dad.
- Thank you.
- Except… Lila.
Oh, I'm the liability now?
Everything they have on Dad is conjecture.
And if you just apologize
to this Lila person…
- No.
- …then they have nothing.
I have nothing to apologize for.
I would never penalize a student
for personal reasons.
Mom, don't be stubborn. If you apologize,
she's gonna drop the whole thing.
I will not.
He is the one who slept with her.
- You played a part.
- I did not.
- Your dad should never have done that.
- And I've already apologized.
And in… in a couple of weeks,
I'm gonna be publicly humiliated.
So can you just please lay off?
- Where are you going?
- Yoga.
Oh my God.
Don't rub your sty, honey.
Writing again?
I thought you were asleep.
- When do I get to read it?
- Well…
- You never even read my first novel.
- Yes, I did.
No, you read an early draft
and told me it wasn't a viable book.
You sold it for enough money
to buy this house. What do I know?
- You never read my second.
- You told me not to.
I did not play a part with Lila.
Please understand…
that all I am doing right now is
looking at stuff
from 10 or 20 or even 30 years ago.
Do you understand how hard that is for me
at this stage of my life?
I do understand that.
My feet hurt.
From my pumps.
The scholarship files
are probably in my office.
It's David's office now.
Just go when he's not there.
I'll give you my key.
He's drowning.
The department is in chaos.
That storage closet was a horror show.
Well, hello there.
Pull my hair.
Harder.
A twist.
It was just about the work.
Between hyperactive-impulsive ADHD
and my maladaptive
dissociative daydreaming,
my executive functioning is
really fucked up right now.
Okay.
Yeah, and I also just came out.
- Congratulations.
- I'm gynesexual.
I… I'm attracted to femininity
even if there's penises.
Yeah.
It sounds like
you're going through a lot, man.
Yeah, so, um… I'm not gonna have
that paper for you by tomorrow.
Okay. Uh…
Do you think maybe you could get it…
write it eventually?
I think so.
That'd be great.
Yeah, just get it to me whenever you can.
Okay, thank you.
All right. Thanks, Aaron.
Hi, Aaron.
How was that?
I mean, what a rush.
Oh, well, he's a particular case.
I mean, I was an asshole
when I was 20, but, uh…
Well, I bet
you handed your work in on time.
Yes, ma'am. Yes, I did.
Ooh, I meant to ask.
Did I leave my bathing suit at your house?
Hmm. I'll… I'll look for it.
How's Cynthia?
She's good.
John?
He…
Awesome.
Yeah.
Well, I'll… I'll… I'll see you around
or… oh, at the faculty, um… meeting
on… on Thursday.
Uh… I wasn't gonna go to that.
Oh. You have to go.
I mean, I'm struggling
to find time to write,
and, you know, I figured if I skip it,
I'd have the whole day.
Vlad, no. If you want tenure, you're gonna
have to show them you wanna work.
You have to… you have to go
to every meeting, join committees,
lead committees, all of it.
Yeah, but, you know,
I need to publish if I want tenure too,
and I need to write my second book.
- Didn't you tell me not to get distracted?
- Sorry, but you… you have to do both.
- How?
- Well, figure it out.
It's temporary pain, but once you get it,
you never have to go anywhere else.
Yeah, I'm not really sure
I wanna get stuck here.
It's a little too provincial.
Well,
there are worse places.
- I was on my way to your office, actually.
- Oh, yes.
Because, sorry,
the letter of recommendation--
Oh, for Brown. Yes, I'm…
I'm so sorry. I will do it tonight.
I shouldn't have left it down to the wire.
My bad.
No problem at all.
Are you okay?
I'm awesome.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Mom gave me this file, and it looks like
she voted against the Lila girl.
For the Meckleburg Scholarship.
The votes were 3-2
for the other candidate.
Well, that means it was split.
That's what she thinks,
but it means she was the deciding vote.
So she did retaliate.
Maybe, maybe not, but they can certainly
make a case for retaliation, like, easily.
- She needs to apologize to that girl.
- I doubt she's gonna do that.
Then she's dumb
because the whole thing would go away
if she would just apologize, Dad.
And tell her
she needs to return this file.
Who is that?
Uh… I made a friend.
How are you feeling these days?
- Uh… I don't know.
- Still upset about your mother and me?
I was only upset
that you lied to me about it.
But I'm an adult,
and you're an adult. Mom's an adult.
Your students were adults.
Alexis is an adult. Everybody is an adult.
That's my perspective, so I don't know.
Let's all just suck it up
and behave like adults.
Sure.
No, don't.
- You can leave your nightie on.
- Go to… go to your side of the bed.
- Just pretend I'm your colleague.
- Silence, please. I'm trying to sleep.
- Didn't get your hit today?
- John, stop.
Sid says you were the deciding vote.
And that you need to put back the file.
David?
Oh, hey, lady.
Oh God. What are you doing here?
I came to write in Vlad's office,
but then I took some melatonin gummies
'cause I thought that might help shift
my inescapable reality,
but I just fell asleep.
What are you doing here?
Uh… what am I doing? Um…
I, um… I borrowed a book from David,
and I just… I came to return it.
At 5:00 a.m.?
Oh, well…
Oh my God. Forget it.
Sorry I bailed on pool day.
Oh, please.
Did… did Vlad tell you why I didn't come?
He just said you fought.
Yup. I found out that morning
he told the hiring committee
about my suicide attempt.
In his interview.
Oh.
You didn't know that?
No.
But you did, didn't you?
So everybody knows, right?
There are students on that committee?
Um… well… um…
You know, they sit in on interviews,
but don't worry.
The students love mental health.
It probably raised you in their esteem.
Yeah, nothing cooler
than an adjunct in recovery
who once threw her own shit
at a Bellevue orderly.
Did he deserve it?
Can I get your opinion on something?
You scored her generously, in my opinion.
But not as well as the other person.
When she didn't get the scholarship,
she dropped out.
Okay, but why didn't she take out a loan?
- She didn't come from money.
- You think I did?
Vlad and I are in so much debt,
I can't see straight.
Oh, sorry.
- Are you okay?
- Oh, yeah, sorry.
These pants are just a little up there,
if you know what I mean?
I actually like that.
Reminds me something exists
in that region.
Look, I think that she used not getting it
as an excuse.
Well, she was hurt.
It doesn't matter.
I just have to prepare
for the consequences.
Or not.
And then she destroyed the evidence.
Oh!
Oh, look what you made me do.
You know, John was in the same position
as you when we started.
Well, I was full-time, he was an adjunct,
one class,
and he worked his way up
all the way to chair.
How?
John's very savvy.
But… did they just, like, promote him or…
Um… well, you'd have to ask him.
Sorry, I know John's a…
it's a complicated example.
Oh, please.
I wish Vlad would fuck other people.
You don't wish that.
No, I… I do.
I… I mean, not students
'cause times have changed,
but Vlad seems rather… worldly.
Mm-hmm.
But he's kind of a pinched-ass prude.
He needs to experience things.
I think it would be good for him
to have an affair.
Would he?
No. No.
Well…
I don't know.
Maybe.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
Great. Thanks.
Somebody needs some coffee. Say when.
- I do, I really do.
- Say when.
- When.
- Okay.
I don't see any creamer or anything.
Is there any…
Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- You came.
- Well, thanks to you.
- Oh, stop it.
No, I've been
so up my own ass recently, and, uh,
I needed you to slap some sense into me.
By the way, I, uh…
read the first chapter of your book.
And?
So fucking jealous.
I think everyone is assembled, so, uh…
- Hey, babe.
- …shall we get started?
- Hi.
- Hi.
Okay, I'm assuming you all reviewed
the faculty goals for this academic year,
so any feedback?
- I wanna make sure everyone received them.
- They were an attachment on the email.
I didn't receive the email.
This is the second time now.
- Did you check spam?
- I did.
It's clearly a distribution-list
issue once again.
If the adjuncts aren't getting it,
then we're…
This is a complete waste of time.
I really don't…
Allergies.
I am deeply curious why you don't see
the need to interrogate
the infestation
of historiographical artifacts
within our departmental language.
Why don't we have a subcommittee?
We can try and redefine the language.
I can… I can head it.
That is very helpful.
Thank you, Vlad.
So any volunteers?
Uh… I'll join.
Great.
Well, I might as well join too.
Okay.
- So… when should we meet?
- Oh, well…
Listen, my life is bonkers,
but I'm free tonight.
It's short notice, I know.
- Tonight? I'm up for it.
- You're up for anything, Flo.
You know it, girl.
- What about you?
- Um…
I will also be there.
- But I do have to leave by nine, sorry.
- Oh.
No problem.
We'll have to shut that shit down.
- Mm.
- All right, see you later.
- Are you stealing my clothes?
- No, Dad's. I need to look sharp.
Are you going out again?
Is that allowed?
Did you put the file back?
- Is that my shirt?
- Yes.
- And no one saw you?
- Nope.
- Try not to puke in it, please.
- So funny, Dad. My car is here.
Are you
meeting a friend?
Sort of. Love you.
- Were you jealous?
- Of who?
Of Lila.
I thought we weren't talking about things
that happened ten years ago.
I think it's nice.
You look pretty.
Careful. You always care too much,
and then you screw it up.
Oh, I forgot to water the lettuces.
You mind getting them before you go?
- Uh-huh.
- They be thirsty.
I care the right amount.
John, right?
Glad you reached out.
What are you drinking?
Uh…
Ow!
Fucking splinter.
He's reading my book.
Hmm.
It's not him.
Fuck!
What does that mean?
No, no, no, better know too much
Yeah, boy
I know ya gonna waste my time
I look too good and I feel too, ah
Trust me, I'm too fuckin' fine
Bride price set too much too high
Window shopper till you die
I look too good and I feel too, ah
Fuck it, have me when you like
When you like, when you like
Fuck it, have me when you like
Feel too, ah, too, ah, too high
Fuck it, have me when you like
Have me anytime like
Fuck it, have me when you like
Feel too, ah, too, ah, too high
Fuck it, fuck it
Fuck it, fuck it
Fuck it, fuck it
Fuck, fuck, fuck it
Have me when you like
When you like, fuck it
Have me when you like
Feel too, ah, too, ah, too high
Fuck it, have me when you like
Have me anytime like
Fuck it, have me when you like
Feel too, ah, too, ah, too high
Fuck it, have me when you like
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck