Wonder Man (2026) s01e04 Episode Script
Doorman
Sorry, I'm late.
I'm assuming you're a Wonder Man
and not a Barnaby?
Correct.
I don't have
a Doorman waiver on file for you,
so I'm gonna need you to sign this
Assuming, of course,
you don't have superpowers.
The showrunner just called.
He's cutting your character from the show.
What happened
on American Horror Story, Simon?
I got fired, okay?
- Oh, no, Simon. Really?
- No, Mummi, it wasn't my fault.
Of course,
nothing is ever your fault.
Don't upset him.
You know I'd never work again
if anyone found out.
What are you talking about?
Because of DeMarr "Doorman" Davis.
Sorry. Who's DeMarr "Doorman" Davis?
Oh, damn. Sorry. I can't let y'all in.
What? Why not?
You see, right there,
it says you're from Texas.
And I heard they dance weird out there.
Yeah. We don't do none of this in LA.
Woohoo ♪
Do-si-do, tell your mama
You're too slow ♪
Oh, my God.
I think we'll be okay.
All right. Get your ass in there, girl.
Don't injure yourself now, you hear?
Yeehaw.
Oh, yeah. Look who's in the house.
- Oh, What?
- There he is.
Stand back. What's up?
Mr. Gad, how you doing, sir?
Mr. Gad? Come on, man.
Call me Josh or J-Gad,
I'm trying to make that a thing.
- Anyways, so what's cooking tonight?
- Oh, y'all gonna have fun tonight.
We got the guy
from Imagine Dragons deejaying.
Radioactive most important song
of the last three years, easy.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yep.
Listen, if things slow down out here,
why don't you come in
and have a drink with me? Yeah?
- Oh, that's very nice of you.
- Come here.
Mmm. That's it.
Okay. You're just gonna
wear the shades in?
I don't know.
Are you really with him? 'Cause
Next!
Seems like it was live in here.
The line outside was slammed.
People went apeshit
when Olaf started crowd surfing.
I bet.
Do you realize the first time
I tipped you out was over three years ago?
You kidding? I've been here that long?
- Do you like working here, DeMarr?
- Of course. Why you say that?
We don't normally
have employees last with us this long.
It's Hollywood. Everyone's an actor
or a model and, you know
Working here is just a stepping stone.
That ain't me. I like this gig.
It's fun.
The tips are good.
I get to talk to people and be myself.
That's all I really need.
You don't meet a lot of people
in this town who are happy
with where they're at.
Hold on to that.
Why wouldn't I?
Probably because you're gonna be hauling
a stinky bag of garbage
in about two seconds.
Heart-to-heart's over.
Sorry. Thank you very much.
Fun while it lasted.
Shit.
What the hell?
No, no.
No!
No!
Chance.
What's up, Chance?
Chance?
Chance.
Chance, I'm coming.
Hello?
Hello?
Chance, come here. Come. Come here, girl.
What the hell are you doing?
Get out of my apartment!
Ma'am, uh, this is a misunderstanding.
I put my hand in some goo,
and all of a sudden,
my dog fell through the floor.
- Get out!
- I promise I'm not breaking in.
Whoa, I'm leaving.
Oh, no.
No.
Nah.
DeMarr, uh, you okay?
Yeah, yeah.
It's just kinda been a weird day.
That's all. Sorry.
No, no, it's fine.
Listen, we are totally packed tonight.
Pushing it on the fire code, so just,
you know, don't let anyone else in,
- until it clears out a bit.
- I got you.
Bees'll buzz ♪
Kids'll blow dandelion fuzz ♪
And I'll be doing whatever snow does
In summer ♪
A drink in my hand ♪
My snow up against the burning sand ♪
Prob'ly getting gorgeously tanned
In summer ♪
We're melting! Melting, bitches!
Summer, summer, summer ♪
In summer ♪
What the hell was that?
It's stuck!
- I can't get it open.
- Keep trying.
I'm gonna call the fire department.
Get that door open.
Okay. [grunting] Hold on!
The door was jammed. Quick, go through me.
- What do you mean?
- Go through me.
- I don't--
- What is he saying?
I think he said he wants us inside him.
Pass.
He's saying,
he wants us to go through him.
Mmm-hmm
How does-- How do I do this?
Do I just enter you?
I really don't know. Really.
Uh, hold on. Just give me
a second, let me
- Now, now.
- Okay.
Ugh!
All right.
Shit! Why am I doing this? Oh, God. Oh!
Oh, look! Look at that.
There's the other side.
Oh, shit.
It works!
Everyone follow me. Exit through DeMarr.
Hurry! This shit ain't easy.
- Hey.
- Jesus!
Sorry, man. I didn't mean to scare you.
I just wanted to come out here
and say thank you.
Don't sweat it. I'm sure anybody
would have done that.
Are you being serious right now?
You just saved
everybody's life in that building.
You just saved my life.
I gotta pay you back.
I don't need anything. I'm good.
- How about a new job?
- What?
DeMarr, after what you did tonight,
there's no way
no offense, that you can
go be a doorman anymore.
Come work for me.
I'll put you on the payroll.
Look, Mr. J-Gad, I appreciate it,
but I'm fine here.
- Got a good boss--
- Starting salary is 200K plus benefits.
- Yeah, that'll work.
- Yeah.
Josh Gad is in the news again.
The Frozen
star is catching fire and turning heads,
with his new superpowered personal valet.
The man in question
appears to be DeMarr Davis,
former Wilcox employee,
who's affectionately
been dubbed "Doorman."
He's been spotted all over town with Josh
and seemingly has the power to move
himself and his boss through solid walls.
Davis recently saved a crowd
from a fire at a popular nightclub.
Now it seems he's exclusively
using his talents in service of Gad.
Meanwhile, this Mormon
has just Booked a new project,
an action comedy called Cash Grab.
You might say this former LeFou
is Gast-on a roll.
Dying for some sugar.
They got some stale
snickerdoodle cookies over there.
- Mmm.
- But it's better to have no cookie
than to have a disappointing cookie.
- Know what I'm saying?
- Huh.
Frank Preminger, Hanover Agency.
Oh, I heard of that.
- DeMarr, right?
- Yeah.
- The Doorman?
- Live and direct.
Ding dong.
You're a funny guy.
- Thank you.
- Yeah. Do you ever think about acting?
Nah. Not my thing, Frank.
Besides, who will get
J-Gad his snack plate?
True. Keep it. You never know.
It's just,
you know the heist is feeling flat.
Mmm-hmm, I agree. I think we need
something more original.
Well, we could go back
to flooding the vault.
I always liked that version.
Snatched you some crab rangoons
before they got housed.
Or we could use liquid nitrogen
to freeze the locks and shatter them.
The vault needs to be impenetrable.
The whole point is that this crew
are the only ones on the planet
that can get in or out.
Um
I may have something.
Look, man, I wanna help out.
But I can't act.
Who cares? I can't act.
It's never stopped me from being an actor.
We'll make sure
it's only a couple of lines.
This will be easy, I'm telling you.
You know what's easy?
If you bring somebody else in.
Keep the idea, a brilliant idea.
Bring in a real actor.
Then you can fake it with CGI.
Yeah, but what makes it cool
is that it's you.
People know who you are,
and they would go crazy.
I don't know.
I'm more comfortable behind the scenes.
DeMarr, there is a reason
that you are making headlines.
You have something
that other people just don't.
It's a a charisma, a charm.
On top of all of that,
you can become a door.
It is not every day that an opportunity
like this just falls into your lap.
You do realize that, right?
- All right.
- Yeah.
All right.
It's gonna be great.
Vamos a la playa, amigos.
We've been training ten years for this.
And now we've only got 30 seconds
to grab some cash.
Oh, shit. No! We're trapped.
I knew you'd trip the silent alarm.
What difference does it make?
We're all gonna die.
Hey, keep it together, you two.
Why, Jake? It's time to panic.
I wouldn't be so sure about that.
Ding-dong, motherfu--
Doorman!
Doorman, Doorman, Doorman!
What did I tell you, huh?
They love you.
And things get a little crazy
on this week's Murphy Family.
When special guest DeMarr "Doorman" Davis
comes a-knockin'.
There's the door man.
Where is that thing?
I'm so embarrassed.
Oh, hold on. I got this.
Ding-dong, babies! Ding to the dong!
The people are real, the rulings are real.
And this week's guest judge isn't afraid
to tell it like it is.
Ding-dong.
I said ding-dong! You ding-dongs!
- I am a big fan.
- You want a pic?
Okay.
I remember this place.
Dang, girl, you done got fine. What's up?
Yo! Mind if I come in for a drink?
Oh, of course, Mr. Doorman.
Please, head right in.
Yeah.
Oh, if things quiet down, why don't you
come and have a drink with us?
Oh, I'd love that. Thank you.
Ding-dong.
Ding-dong.
Dance, dance, dance, dance ♪
You'll be dancing like a star
In Hollywood ♪
Oh, yeah ♪
You'll be dancing like a star
In Hollywood ♪
All right ♪
Holly-Hollywood, Holly-Hollywood ♪
Yeah!
Is there a celebrity in here
that used to be my employee?
Oh, Bridget, what's up, girl?
Bridget! Yo, what's goin' on?
Wow.
- Y'all, this is Bridget Bailey.
- Yeah.
- The number-one club owner in LA
- Hey.
- And an amazing boss.
- Hey. I like that.
Wow. Look at you.
- You look great.
- Thank you.
- I heard you got a movie out.
- Ding-dong.
I'm sorry, I haven't seen it yet.
- Oh, don't worry about it.
- Yet.
- How are you doing?
- Me?
- Yeah.
- You know, same old, same old.
So, uh
You happy?
Damn straight.
I just got off the phone with my agent,
and he told me he landed me a huge,
- huge commercial contract.
- Wow.
Life's about to change.
What the hell?
"Wouldn't 'knock-knock'
make more sense as a catchphrase?"
That's a good one, Samuel.
Hmm. Mark that one.
"Please tell me
when his fifteen minutes are up."
"Getting real tired
of this Ding Dong business."
"Some fools are hating,
but Doorman still makes me smile."
Thank you.
I'll come grab you in a bit for rehearsal.
Let me know if you need anything else.
Will do.
Oh, maybe some ice for the water.
Or, I can go to town with this brown.
Doorman. Yo, this is crazy.
I'm such a huge fan, bro.
- Good to meet you, bro. I appreciate that.
- Yeah.
So, hey, look I was looking
over the pages--
Yo, man, we wrote that at
three o' clock in the morning, man.
- Go easy on me.
- No, no, it ain't that. It's just
I'm-- I'm a little nervous about the bit.
Don't sweat it. People love when you can
poke a little fun
at yourself, man. Trust me.
- Okay, cool.
- Okay.
- I gotta get back out to rehearsal.
- All right.
- See you out there?
- For sure.
Hey!
Hey, what's up, y'all? It's me.
D-list actor and literal door,
DeMarr Davis aka "Doorman!"
And welcome to Ding-Dong Tonight.
I'm a little thirsty. A little thirsty.
See what I can--
Oh!
Tastes like door. A-ding-dong!
What else I got up in here?
Oh! Whoa!
My mixtape. That's my mixtape.
I've been looking for this.
Ding-Dong!
Oh!
I call this, the go-long-ding-dong.
Ding ding dong ♪
Ding ding ding ding ding dong ♪
Oh, snap. Oh, look at this.
Ding ding ding ding ding dong ♪
Oh. What's up, DeMarr?
Man, what are you doing here?
I thought you was hiding out from the IRS.
Earl, come on,
you gotta cool it with those rumors
and that impression.
"Ding-dong." I mean, who is that?
That's not me, is it?
I mean, I'm much more
than just a catchphrase.
You know, Earl,
a lot of people don't realize
that I've been taking acting classes
at the Stella Adler Academy.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Well, let's see some of that training.
"Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio,
a fellow of infinite"
ding-dongs.
With my diet, sometimes I have trouble
getting things to move through me.
Try Expellax. It'll have your insides
as insubstantial as mine.
Doorman, boundaries.
Ding-dong.
Expellax, in new black cherry flavor.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Sure you don't wanna slow down there, pal?
You're an hour late.
Well, I'm here now.
- What do you want to talk about?
- Expellax.
They said the campaign
would be smart and elevated,
like Seinfeld and American Express.
But these
Yeah, about that.
Ogilvy's cutting the contract short.
They just feel the joke's a little
stale.
Exactly. That's why we need
to come up with some new ideas.
- Let me pitch you--
- It's too late, DeMarr.
They already signed Michael Strahan. So
- Strahan?
- Yeah.
That don't even make sense.
He's just a normal guy.
He is charming AF, and apparently
suffers from chronic constipation.
Damn.
Can we fight this?
I mean, we got a contract, right?
I don't think we wanna take on
a huge advertising agency.
Things are getting pretty tight.
Behind on car payments
and a few other things.
Oh, come on, DeMarr,
you gotta be more careful with your money.
You know how this business works.
You can't count on the next paycheck
until it's in your hands.
You've never said that.
I'm saying it now.
You don't have any other superpowers
you didn't tell me about, right?
Just the door thing.
Cool.
Okay, well, look, this is a dip.
This is a tiny little dip,
and we're gonna get back on top.
We're gonna get you something better.
Something smart and elevated.
Trust me.
That's right. This?
You don't even need this no more.
This is a drum.
'Cause with the Potato Bag,
your potatoes will come fluffy
on the inside and chewy on the outside.
Why juggle a tough schedule
when you can just use the Potato Bag?
Just drop it and plop it in the microwave.
You hear that sound?
I think the potatoes
just said "ding-dong."
Ooh!
Well, looks like Doorman
is back in the news.
Only this time, the overnight success
finds himself in a bit of hot water.
Steam might be more accurate.
DeMarr Davis has been hit
with several lawsuits
over his involvement
in the Potato Bag product,
which has been found to cause
severe steam burns.
Ouch.
Hey, Doorknobs.
I just wanted to get on today
just to let you know that I'm sorry
to the hundreds of you
who experienced steam burns
from using the Potato Bag.
I want you to know
that I'm in full support
of the class action lawsuit
and that I, too, was misled
by Food America Product Incorporated.
I think, at this moment,
I need to take some time to step away
and really reflect on where
all this is going for me and for you.
So stay supportive, and I will stay
supporting you. Keep knocking.
Shit.
- Oh, shit.
- There's my best friend.
- I miss you, man.
- I miss you more.
Guess what, though?
Studio wants Cash Grab Two.
- Really?
- Hell yeah.
You bullshitting.
No, man. We're getting the band
back together. You in?
Of course. I'm in.
Ah, beautiful, man.
- Let's do it.
- Yeah?
- Hell yeah.
- Amazing.
- All right, I'll be in touch, bud.
- All right.
Thank you. Thank you.
Don't mess this up. Don't mess this up.
Ding-dong.
They're inviting you to set, again.
I'm coming.
DeMarr?
Go ahead.
Oh, shit.
Cash Grab Two apart
is upping our game on the stunts.
Hey, you're that Incredible Hulk, huh?
You ain't that tall.
DeMarr, you're all right with that, right?
The stunts?
Of course. Me and Tom Cruise,
we do our own stunts, baby.
DeMarr-- DeMarr, you good, bud?
- Yeah. I'm good to go.
- Okay.
G-T-G.
- A mark.
- B mark.
And action!
We only get one shot at this, Gustavo.
You ready?
Always, Jake.
We're in position.
- They're in place.
- Okay. Yeah.
Here we go.
I'm going through.
All right.
Where is he?
He didn't come out.
J-Gad!
J
Where is Josh Gad?
The world wants to know.
It's been months since he disappeared
inside DeMarr Davis,
and the Department of Damage Control
is still searching for answers.
We want to assure the American public
that the Department
takes this horrific incident seriously.
DeMarr Davis will be continually monitored
for the rest of his life.
We will do everything in our power
to ensure a tragedy of this magnitude
never happens again.
While the DODC continues to
probe, experiment, and investigate
every inch of DeMarr Davis,
Hollywood is now waiting.
Every major studio in Hollywood
is doing their part
to avoid another possible tragedy.
They're calling it "The Doorman Clause."
Going forward,
it will be nearly impossible
for superpowered individuals to perform
in major motion picture or TV roles.
The insurance required now, astronomical.
Everything okay?
Hmm?
Is it bad news?
Oh. No, it's it's good.
It's all good.
I have come a long way
From the hills of Tennessee ♪
And I've worked hard to make
The folks back home real proud of me ♪
Now everybody knows my name
No matter where I go ♪
But I never really made it till
The Johnny Carson Show ♪
Now I have dreamed of stardom
Since I was just a kid ♪
And me 'n' Dollar dreamed beneath
This thirteen dollar wig ♪
In my bell-bottom jumpsuits
With my rhinestones all aglow ♪
I became an overnight success
From The Johnny Carson Show ♪
From polyester paradise
To silk and satin frills ♪
From a forty-eight foot mobile home
To a mansion on the hill ♪
From moonshine to rare wine
From a Packard to a Rolls ♪
But I'd never really made it till
The Johnny Carson Show ♪
Now there's only one small problem
Sometimes I get disturbed ♪
Folks sometimes get me confused
With Monti Rock the third ♪
But still I think it's worth it
And I just thought you should know ♪
That I'll always owe a special thanks
To The Johnny Carson Show ♪
I went from pop beads to diamonds
From car coats to fur ♪
From K-Mart to Guccis
From here no tellin' where ♪
From Hillbilly Heaven
To a penthouse on the coast ♪
But I never really made it till
The Johnny Carson Show ♪
Sometimes, I like to close my eyes ♪
And imagine what it'd be like
When summer does come, ah ♪
Bees'll buzz
Kids'll blow dandelion fuzz ♪
And I'll be doing whatever snow does
In summer ♪
A drink in my hand
My snow up against the burning sand ♪
Prob'ly getting gorgeously tanned
In summer ♪
I'll finally see a summer breeze,
Blow away a winter storm ♪
And find out what happens
To solid water when it gets warm ♪
And I can't wait to see
What my buddies all think of me ♪
Just imagine how much cooler
I'll be in summer ♪
Summer, summer, summer
Summer summer, summer ♪
In summer ♪
In summer ♪
Bad-dah, da-doo,
Uh-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-boo ♪
The hot and the cold are both so intense
Put 'em together, it just makes sense ♪
Rrrat, dah-dah, dah-dah
Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-doo ♪
Winter's a good time to stay in
And cuddle ♪
But put me in summer and I'll be a ♪
Happy, happy, happy, happy
Happy, happy, snowman ♪
Happy, happy, snowman ♪
Happy snowman ♪
Happy snowman ♪
Happy, happy, happy, happy snowman ♪
Happy snowman ♪
Happy, happy ♪
Happy, happy, happy, happy snowman ♪
Snowman, snowman ♪
Winter's a good time to stay in
And cuddle ♪
Winter's a good time to
Stay in and cuddle ♪
Winter's a good time ♪
Winter's a good time to
Cuddle, cuddle, cuddle ♪
- In summer ♪
- Happy, happy, happy, happy ♪
Snowman ♪
In summer ♪
I'm assuming you're a Wonder Man
and not a Barnaby?
Correct.
I don't have
a Doorman waiver on file for you,
so I'm gonna need you to sign this
Assuming, of course,
you don't have superpowers.
The showrunner just called.
He's cutting your character from the show.
What happened
on American Horror Story, Simon?
I got fired, okay?
- Oh, no, Simon. Really?
- No, Mummi, it wasn't my fault.
Of course,
nothing is ever your fault.
Don't upset him.
You know I'd never work again
if anyone found out.
What are you talking about?
Because of DeMarr "Doorman" Davis.
Sorry. Who's DeMarr "Doorman" Davis?
Oh, damn. Sorry. I can't let y'all in.
What? Why not?
You see, right there,
it says you're from Texas.
And I heard they dance weird out there.
Yeah. We don't do none of this in LA.
Woohoo ♪
Do-si-do, tell your mama
You're too slow ♪
Oh, my God.
I think we'll be okay.
All right. Get your ass in there, girl.
Don't injure yourself now, you hear?
Yeehaw.
Oh, yeah. Look who's in the house.
- Oh, What?
- There he is.
Stand back. What's up?
Mr. Gad, how you doing, sir?
Mr. Gad? Come on, man.
Call me Josh or J-Gad,
I'm trying to make that a thing.
- Anyways, so what's cooking tonight?
- Oh, y'all gonna have fun tonight.
We got the guy
from Imagine Dragons deejaying.
Radioactive most important song
of the last three years, easy.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yep.
Listen, if things slow down out here,
why don't you come in
and have a drink with me? Yeah?
- Oh, that's very nice of you.
- Come here.
Mmm. That's it.
Okay. You're just gonna
wear the shades in?
I don't know.
Are you really with him? 'Cause
Next!
Seems like it was live in here.
The line outside was slammed.
People went apeshit
when Olaf started crowd surfing.
I bet.
Do you realize the first time
I tipped you out was over three years ago?
You kidding? I've been here that long?
- Do you like working here, DeMarr?
- Of course. Why you say that?
We don't normally
have employees last with us this long.
It's Hollywood. Everyone's an actor
or a model and, you know
Working here is just a stepping stone.
That ain't me. I like this gig.
It's fun.
The tips are good.
I get to talk to people and be myself.
That's all I really need.
You don't meet a lot of people
in this town who are happy
with where they're at.
Hold on to that.
Why wouldn't I?
Probably because you're gonna be hauling
a stinky bag of garbage
in about two seconds.
Heart-to-heart's over.
Sorry. Thank you very much.
Fun while it lasted.
Shit.
What the hell?
No, no.
No!
No!
Chance.
What's up, Chance?
Chance?
Chance.
Chance, I'm coming.
Hello?
Hello?
Chance, come here. Come. Come here, girl.
What the hell are you doing?
Get out of my apartment!
Ma'am, uh, this is a misunderstanding.
I put my hand in some goo,
and all of a sudden,
my dog fell through the floor.
- Get out!
- I promise I'm not breaking in.
Whoa, I'm leaving.
Oh, no.
No.
Nah.
DeMarr, uh, you okay?
Yeah, yeah.
It's just kinda been a weird day.
That's all. Sorry.
No, no, it's fine.
Listen, we are totally packed tonight.
Pushing it on the fire code, so just,
you know, don't let anyone else in,
- until it clears out a bit.
- I got you.
Bees'll buzz ♪
Kids'll blow dandelion fuzz ♪
And I'll be doing whatever snow does
In summer ♪
A drink in my hand ♪
My snow up against the burning sand ♪
Prob'ly getting gorgeously tanned
In summer ♪
We're melting! Melting, bitches!
Summer, summer, summer ♪
In summer ♪
What the hell was that?
It's stuck!
- I can't get it open.
- Keep trying.
I'm gonna call the fire department.
Get that door open.
Okay. [grunting] Hold on!
The door was jammed. Quick, go through me.
- What do you mean?
- Go through me.
- I don't--
- What is he saying?
I think he said he wants us inside him.
Pass.
He's saying,
he wants us to go through him.
Mmm-hmm
How does-- How do I do this?
Do I just enter you?
I really don't know. Really.
Uh, hold on. Just give me
a second, let me
- Now, now.
- Okay.
Ugh!
All right.
Shit! Why am I doing this? Oh, God. Oh!
Oh, look! Look at that.
There's the other side.
Oh, shit.
It works!
Everyone follow me. Exit through DeMarr.
Hurry! This shit ain't easy.
- Hey.
- Jesus!
Sorry, man. I didn't mean to scare you.
I just wanted to come out here
and say thank you.
Don't sweat it. I'm sure anybody
would have done that.
Are you being serious right now?
You just saved
everybody's life in that building.
You just saved my life.
I gotta pay you back.
I don't need anything. I'm good.
- How about a new job?
- What?
DeMarr, after what you did tonight,
there's no way
no offense, that you can
go be a doorman anymore.
Come work for me.
I'll put you on the payroll.
Look, Mr. J-Gad, I appreciate it,
but I'm fine here.
- Got a good boss--
- Starting salary is 200K plus benefits.
- Yeah, that'll work.
- Yeah.
Josh Gad is in the news again.
The Frozen
star is catching fire and turning heads,
with his new superpowered personal valet.
The man in question
appears to be DeMarr Davis,
former Wilcox employee,
who's affectionately
been dubbed "Doorman."
He's been spotted all over town with Josh
and seemingly has the power to move
himself and his boss through solid walls.
Davis recently saved a crowd
from a fire at a popular nightclub.
Now it seems he's exclusively
using his talents in service of Gad.
Meanwhile, this Mormon
has just Booked a new project,
an action comedy called Cash Grab.
You might say this former LeFou
is Gast-on a roll.
Dying for some sugar.
They got some stale
snickerdoodle cookies over there.
- Mmm.
- But it's better to have no cookie
than to have a disappointing cookie.
- Know what I'm saying?
- Huh.
Frank Preminger, Hanover Agency.
Oh, I heard of that.
- DeMarr, right?
- Yeah.
- The Doorman?
- Live and direct.
Ding dong.
You're a funny guy.
- Thank you.
- Yeah. Do you ever think about acting?
Nah. Not my thing, Frank.
Besides, who will get
J-Gad his snack plate?
True. Keep it. You never know.
It's just,
you know the heist is feeling flat.
Mmm-hmm, I agree. I think we need
something more original.
Well, we could go back
to flooding the vault.
I always liked that version.
Snatched you some crab rangoons
before they got housed.
Or we could use liquid nitrogen
to freeze the locks and shatter them.
The vault needs to be impenetrable.
The whole point is that this crew
are the only ones on the planet
that can get in or out.
Um
I may have something.
Look, man, I wanna help out.
But I can't act.
Who cares? I can't act.
It's never stopped me from being an actor.
We'll make sure
it's only a couple of lines.
This will be easy, I'm telling you.
You know what's easy?
If you bring somebody else in.
Keep the idea, a brilliant idea.
Bring in a real actor.
Then you can fake it with CGI.
Yeah, but what makes it cool
is that it's you.
People know who you are,
and they would go crazy.
I don't know.
I'm more comfortable behind the scenes.
DeMarr, there is a reason
that you are making headlines.
You have something
that other people just don't.
It's a a charisma, a charm.
On top of all of that,
you can become a door.
It is not every day that an opportunity
like this just falls into your lap.
You do realize that, right?
- All right.
- Yeah.
All right.
It's gonna be great.
Vamos a la playa, amigos.
We've been training ten years for this.
And now we've only got 30 seconds
to grab some cash.
Oh, shit. No! We're trapped.
I knew you'd trip the silent alarm.
What difference does it make?
We're all gonna die.
Hey, keep it together, you two.
Why, Jake? It's time to panic.
I wouldn't be so sure about that.
Ding-dong, motherfu--
Doorman!
Doorman, Doorman, Doorman!
What did I tell you, huh?
They love you.
And things get a little crazy
on this week's Murphy Family.
When special guest DeMarr "Doorman" Davis
comes a-knockin'.
There's the door man.
Where is that thing?
I'm so embarrassed.
Oh, hold on. I got this.
Ding-dong, babies! Ding to the dong!
The people are real, the rulings are real.
And this week's guest judge isn't afraid
to tell it like it is.
Ding-dong.
I said ding-dong! You ding-dongs!
- I am a big fan.
- You want a pic?
Okay.
I remember this place.
Dang, girl, you done got fine. What's up?
Yo! Mind if I come in for a drink?
Oh, of course, Mr. Doorman.
Please, head right in.
Yeah.
Oh, if things quiet down, why don't you
come and have a drink with us?
Oh, I'd love that. Thank you.
Ding-dong.
Ding-dong.
Dance, dance, dance, dance ♪
You'll be dancing like a star
In Hollywood ♪
Oh, yeah ♪
You'll be dancing like a star
In Hollywood ♪
All right ♪
Holly-Hollywood, Holly-Hollywood ♪
Yeah!
Is there a celebrity in here
that used to be my employee?
Oh, Bridget, what's up, girl?
Bridget! Yo, what's goin' on?
Wow.
- Y'all, this is Bridget Bailey.
- Yeah.
- The number-one club owner in LA
- Hey.
- And an amazing boss.
- Hey. I like that.
Wow. Look at you.
- You look great.
- Thank you.
- I heard you got a movie out.
- Ding-dong.
I'm sorry, I haven't seen it yet.
- Oh, don't worry about it.
- Yet.
- How are you doing?
- Me?
- Yeah.
- You know, same old, same old.
So, uh
You happy?
Damn straight.
I just got off the phone with my agent,
and he told me he landed me a huge,
- huge commercial contract.
- Wow.
Life's about to change.
What the hell?
"Wouldn't 'knock-knock'
make more sense as a catchphrase?"
That's a good one, Samuel.
Hmm. Mark that one.
"Please tell me
when his fifteen minutes are up."
"Getting real tired
of this Ding Dong business."
"Some fools are hating,
but Doorman still makes me smile."
Thank you.
I'll come grab you in a bit for rehearsal.
Let me know if you need anything else.
Will do.
Oh, maybe some ice for the water.
Or, I can go to town with this brown.
Doorman. Yo, this is crazy.
I'm such a huge fan, bro.
- Good to meet you, bro. I appreciate that.
- Yeah.
So, hey, look I was looking
over the pages--
Yo, man, we wrote that at
three o' clock in the morning, man.
- Go easy on me.
- No, no, it ain't that. It's just
I'm-- I'm a little nervous about the bit.
Don't sweat it. People love when you can
poke a little fun
at yourself, man. Trust me.
- Okay, cool.
- Okay.
- I gotta get back out to rehearsal.
- All right.
- See you out there?
- For sure.
Hey!
Hey, what's up, y'all? It's me.
D-list actor and literal door,
DeMarr Davis aka "Doorman!"
And welcome to Ding-Dong Tonight.
I'm a little thirsty. A little thirsty.
See what I can--
Oh!
Tastes like door. A-ding-dong!
What else I got up in here?
Oh! Whoa!
My mixtape. That's my mixtape.
I've been looking for this.
Ding-Dong!
Oh!
I call this, the go-long-ding-dong.
Ding ding dong ♪
Ding ding ding ding ding dong ♪
Oh, snap. Oh, look at this.
Ding ding ding ding ding dong ♪
Oh. What's up, DeMarr?
Man, what are you doing here?
I thought you was hiding out from the IRS.
Earl, come on,
you gotta cool it with those rumors
and that impression.
"Ding-dong." I mean, who is that?
That's not me, is it?
I mean, I'm much more
than just a catchphrase.
You know, Earl,
a lot of people don't realize
that I've been taking acting classes
at the Stella Adler Academy.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Well, let's see some of that training.
"Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio,
a fellow of infinite"
ding-dongs.
With my diet, sometimes I have trouble
getting things to move through me.
Try Expellax. It'll have your insides
as insubstantial as mine.
Doorman, boundaries.
Ding-dong.
Expellax, in new black cherry flavor.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Sure you don't wanna slow down there, pal?
You're an hour late.
Well, I'm here now.
- What do you want to talk about?
- Expellax.
They said the campaign
would be smart and elevated,
like Seinfeld and American Express.
But these
Yeah, about that.
Ogilvy's cutting the contract short.
They just feel the joke's a little
stale.
Exactly. That's why we need
to come up with some new ideas.
- Let me pitch you--
- It's too late, DeMarr.
They already signed Michael Strahan. So
- Strahan?
- Yeah.
That don't even make sense.
He's just a normal guy.
He is charming AF, and apparently
suffers from chronic constipation.
Damn.
Can we fight this?
I mean, we got a contract, right?
I don't think we wanna take on
a huge advertising agency.
Things are getting pretty tight.
Behind on car payments
and a few other things.
Oh, come on, DeMarr,
you gotta be more careful with your money.
You know how this business works.
You can't count on the next paycheck
until it's in your hands.
You've never said that.
I'm saying it now.
You don't have any other superpowers
you didn't tell me about, right?
Just the door thing.
Cool.
Okay, well, look, this is a dip.
This is a tiny little dip,
and we're gonna get back on top.
We're gonna get you something better.
Something smart and elevated.
Trust me.
That's right. This?
You don't even need this no more.
This is a drum.
'Cause with the Potato Bag,
your potatoes will come fluffy
on the inside and chewy on the outside.
Why juggle a tough schedule
when you can just use the Potato Bag?
Just drop it and plop it in the microwave.
You hear that sound?
I think the potatoes
just said "ding-dong."
Ooh!
Well, looks like Doorman
is back in the news.
Only this time, the overnight success
finds himself in a bit of hot water.
Steam might be more accurate.
DeMarr Davis has been hit
with several lawsuits
over his involvement
in the Potato Bag product,
which has been found to cause
severe steam burns.
Ouch.
Hey, Doorknobs.
I just wanted to get on today
just to let you know that I'm sorry
to the hundreds of you
who experienced steam burns
from using the Potato Bag.
I want you to know
that I'm in full support
of the class action lawsuit
and that I, too, was misled
by Food America Product Incorporated.
I think, at this moment,
I need to take some time to step away
and really reflect on where
all this is going for me and for you.
So stay supportive, and I will stay
supporting you. Keep knocking.
Shit.
- Oh, shit.
- There's my best friend.
- I miss you, man.
- I miss you more.
Guess what, though?
Studio wants Cash Grab Two.
- Really?
- Hell yeah.
You bullshitting.
No, man. We're getting the band
back together. You in?
Of course. I'm in.
Ah, beautiful, man.
- Let's do it.
- Yeah?
- Hell yeah.
- Amazing.
- All right, I'll be in touch, bud.
- All right.
Thank you. Thank you.
Don't mess this up. Don't mess this up.
Ding-dong.
They're inviting you to set, again.
I'm coming.
DeMarr?
Go ahead.
Oh, shit.
Cash Grab Two apart
is upping our game on the stunts.
Hey, you're that Incredible Hulk, huh?
You ain't that tall.
DeMarr, you're all right with that, right?
The stunts?
Of course. Me and Tom Cruise,
we do our own stunts, baby.
DeMarr-- DeMarr, you good, bud?
- Yeah. I'm good to go.
- Okay.
G-T-G.
- A mark.
- B mark.
And action!
We only get one shot at this, Gustavo.
You ready?
Always, Jake.
We're in position.
- They're in place.
- Okay. Yeah.
Here we go.
I'm going through.
All right.
Where is he?
He didn't come out.
J-Gad!
J
Where is Josh Gad?
The world wants to know.
It's been months since he disappeared
inside DeMarr Davis,
and the Department of Damage Control
is still searching for answers.
We want to assure the American public
that the Department
takes this horrific incident seriously.
DeMarr Davis will be continually monitored
for the rest of his life.
We will do everything in our power
to ensure a tragedy of this magnitude
never happens again.
While the DODC continues to
probe, experiment, and investigate
every inch of DeMarr Davis,
Hollywood is now waiting.
Every major studio in Hollywood
is doing their part
to avoid another possible tragedy.
They're calling it "The Doorman Clause."
Going forward,
it will be nearly impossible
for superpowered individuals to perform
in major motion picture or TV roles.
The insurance required now, astronomical.
Everything okay?
Hmm?
Is it bad news?
Oh. No, it's it's good.
It's all good.
I have come a long way
From the hills of Tennessee ♪
And I've worked hard to make
The folks back home real proud of me ♪
Now everybody knows my name
No matter where I go ♪
But I never really made it till
The Johnny Carson Show ♪
Now I have dreamed of stardom
Since I was just a kid ♪
And me 'n' Dollar dreamed beneath
This thirteen dollar wig ♪
In my bell-bottom jumpsuits
With my rhinestones all aglow ♪
I became an overnight success
From The Johnny Carson Show ♪
From polyester paradise
To silk and satin frills ♪
From a forty-eight foot mobile home
To a mansion on the hill ♪
From moonshine to rare wine
From a Packard to a Rolls ♪
But I'd never really made it till
The Johnny Carson Show ♪
Now there's only one small problem
Sometimes I get disturbed ♪
Folks sometimes get me confused
With Monti Rock the third ♪
But still I think it's worth it
And I just thought you should know ♪
That I'll always owe a special thanks
To The Johnny Carson Show ♪
I went from pop beads to diamonds
From car coats to fur ♪
From K-Mart to Guccis
From here no tellin' where ♪
From Hillbilly Heaven
To a penthouse on the coast ♪
But I never really made it till
The Johnny Carson Show ♪
Sometimes, I like to close my eyes ♪
And imagine what it'd be like
When summer does come, ah ♪
Bees'll buzz
Kids'll blow dandelion fuzz ♪
And I'll be doing whatever snow does
In summer ♪
A drink in my hand
My snow up against the burning sand ♪
Prob'ly getting gorgeously tanned
In summer ♪
I'll finally see a summer breeze,
Blow away a winter storm ♪
And find out what happens
To solid water when it gets warm ♪
And I can't wait to see
What my buddies all think of me ♪
Just imagine how much cooler
I'll be in summer ♪
Summer, summer, summer
Summer summer, summer ♪
In summer ♪
In summer ♪
Bad-dah, da-doo,
Uh-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-boo ♪
The hot and the cold are both so intense
Put 'em together, it just makes sense ♪
Rrrat, dah-dah, dah-dah
Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-doo ♪
Winter's a good time to stay in
And cuddle ♪
But put me in summer and I'll be a ♪
Happy, happy, happy, happy
Happy, happy, snowman ♪
Happy, happy, snowman ♪
Happy snowman ♪
Happy snowman ♪
Happy, happy, happy, happy snowman ♪
Happy snowman ♪
Happy, happy ♪
Happy, happy, happy, happy snowman ♪
Snowman, snowman ♪
Winter's a good time to stay in
And cuddle ♪
Winter's a good time to
Stay in and cuddle ♪
Winter's a good time ♪
Winter's a good time to
Cuddle, cuddle, cuddle ♪
- In summer ♪
- Happy, happy, happy, happy ♪
Snowman ♪
In summer ♪