AfterMASH (1983) s01e05 Episode Script

1
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Hi, Dr. Pfeiffer, line five, please.
Harvey, I hope this calls from the lobby because
you're supposed to relieve me five minutes ago.
What back trouble?
Harvey, don't pull this on me.
Okay, okay, just don't moan.
I'll take your shift.
What's another nine or ten hours?
Yeah, you'll make it up to me.
Jamie, you'll work my shift twice next
week.
Now you can moan.
Dr. Sola, call the operator, please.
Dr. Sola?
We're getting it, Gene.
One, two, and together.
The important thing is never show them
you're afraid.
How are you doing?
Fine.
Me, I'm absolutely tops.
Rosary was packed this evening.
Kneeling Ramone.
And the salmon croquettes.
That's a dinner.
We're completely cooked.
Thrilling night.
And it's going to get even better.
Will somebody listen to me?
I've got to collect my money.
He doesn't look well at all.
He looked good enough when he told me to
drive him here.
Anything to beat the fare.
Where's the pain?
Sweaty, pale, shocky.
Do you know where you are?
Can you hear me?
Don't badger him.
I have no desire to badger him.
I'd like to start an IV.
Large bore needle.
Got a CBC.
Type and cross match per six.
Six units.
I'm on one X-rays.
Yes, doctor.
Well, you certainly can't argue that he's
sick.
Yeah, meter sickness.
I see that a lot.
As soon as it hits $2, they go plop in the
back.
Tomorrow, you see Mrs. Templeton in
admissions.
She'll reimburse you.
You want me to make two two-way trips to
get one one-way fare?
Even the guys who drove to Hindenburg
weren't that stupid.
Very well.
Wait here.
I'll see what I can do.
If you're going to pray for it, it's two-way.
Two-fifty.
Plus tip.
And cocktails for two.
Damn tight.
Sherman, you don't have to wear a bow tie.
It's a rare Friday night alone,
and I know you love a bow tie.
Oh, they do have a zip to them.
You should have married Harry Truman.
Oh, Missy, that's the perfume that makes
me crazy.
The crazy Sherman perfume.
And cocktails for two.
You got me that perfume in Paris.
The passion of the beast, la passion du
pauvre.
I love that, that French talk.
Je suis medicine.
Ouvre la bouche.
Boy, what does it mean?
I am a doctor.
Open your mouth.
Our evening begins.
I'll light the candles.
You pour the wine.
How does it always know?
Hello.
I'm sorry, sir.
I know it's Friday night where you are,
but I got a man in shock.
Belly tended to the touch and distended.
What do you think, bleeding ulcer?
Could be.
What are you doing for him?
Uh-huh.
Keep it up.
No, no trouble at all, doctor.
We're just having the lovely evening we
try to have every 35 years.
Night.
The resident, Jane Pfeiffer, a very conscientious
kid, wanted to check up on something.
To quiet Friday night.
With the right personnel.
I bet you don't remember.
We started this in Panama.
You got off duty at 1700 every Friday.
We headed straight for Pepe's Canal Chop
House.
Uh-huh.
The only place we could get lamb chops
without judgment.
Without a penis off.
Tender to the touch.
Yeah.
And you could pick out your own, too.
Well, if it's nothing serious, it
might be a number of things, really.
The kid could be in over his head.
Oh.
Sorry, sweetheart.
I'll keep the shrimp cold and the roast
hot.
You're a doozy.
Oh, my.
You are really spiffy, Colonel.
Dad's are old.
The flower's new.
Where's Dr. Pfeiffer?
Uh, Ward 2B.
Klinger, what are you doing here so late?
Few odds and ends, Colonel.
Uh, I'll be hitting the road any minute.
Friday night, married man should be home
with a little woman.
Like I used to say in Korea, sir,
business first.
Funny.
I don't remember you saying that.
Well, I lived it.
That was my credo.
Your credo was horse hockey.
Sorry I ran into you, sir.
Believe me, I know how depressing it gets.
Just these walls, the ceiling for a sky,
cut off from your loved ones.
But things have a way of working out,
Mr. Loomis.
They really do.
That's wonderful.
We put that to music and we can dance to
it.
I'm not going to talk to you about faith.
I appreciate that.
But whether you believe it or not, very soon
now, you're going to have something to smile about.
God save me from happy priests.
Dr. Pfeiffer?
Oh, Carl, what are you doing?
I didn't mean to ruin your evening.
No problem.
The fun doesn't start till Mildred has her
Brandy.
Show me what we got.
What is all this smoke in here?
You curing hams?
Every Friday we get a load of free
cigarettes.
Free coffin nails.
These guys are barbecuing their lungs.
In a hospital yet.
Why isn't this man's history on here?
All he had on him was his discharge
papers.
We can't get his history till the record
center opens in St. Louis.
Those paper pushers don't get to work till
9, 930.
Get a test and the x-rays.
X-rays on Mr. Force.
Hemoglobin down, elevated amylase.
A rapid pulse and BP not so hot.
Sounds like a perforated ulcer,
but it sure doesn't look like one.
So what do you think it is?
Well, I'd have to say something else.
See these?
Shell fragments.
The Chinese threw a lot of this at us in
Hongnam.
If it wasn't life-threatening, we left it in.
You left it in?
Son, we were up to our keisters and other
people's keisters.
We didn't have time to paint the trim.
But a fragment could cause problems.
You think that's it?
Whatever it is, it's sure worth a look.
I'll do an exploratory.
Tonight.
I'll ride shotgun.
Excites the hell out of me, too.
Oh, Miss Coleman, would you please call Mrs.
Potter and tell her I'll be home as soon as possible?
Yes, Colonel.
And tell her everybody loves my flower.
Ah, Roger.
Well done.
Oh, my.
You're even smaller than you were on the
phone.
Come on.
Clamp.
Let's have a little more section here.
Lots of bleeding.
It'd be nice to get it under control.
What?
Right.
Come on, pick up the pace.
Let me give you some exposure.
Lab sponge.
Still can't find the bleeding.
I'll just retract the bowel.
Give you a clear field.
Viola!
See that tiny piece of shrapnel?
A little abscess has formed around it and
eroded into the blood vessel.
Ah, good.
You don't see this too often.
All my year and a half, I've never seen it
once.
Sorry, sir.
I'm working a double shift.
Harvey Lagrange's back went out.
One of the joys of being a resident.
Terminal fatigue.
I remember my first year at Fort Sam
Houston.
I snuck into a closet, lay down on a hamper for a
little shut-eye, woke up downtown in a Chinese laundry.
I'll close.
I'm sorry, Colonel.
It won't happen again.
Two days ago on your regular shift,
your eyeballs were sinking in the West.
Where are you doing it?
Doing what?
Moonlighting.
If you're not, you're the first resident
who didn't.
Hannibal.
Levering hospital emergency.
It's the only way I can make ends meet.
But I'll be okay.
Not the way your ends are dragging.
Don't worry, I can get through tonight.
No, sir.
There will be no popping goofballs in my
department.
You grab yourself a quick snooze,
I'll be here.
Thank you, sir.
Just a ten minute deep coma and I'll be
dancing.
Mr. Alder, call my wife, tell her I won't.
No, I'll do it.
Now that I'm back home, the least I can do
is disappoint her personally.
Leon, what do you mean come back?
Leon, I got a fan here to collect.
Oh, drive around where?
Maybe I should go by the jail and wait for
an escape.
Leon, let's face it, boy, this is a dead
town.
You ain't in Roanoke now.
Leon, I don't care.
No, it's a matter of principle.
Klinger?
Don't ask.
That's what I didn't do the last time.
Now, what are you up to?
I'm helping the ward clerk, Charlie
Milner.
He's missing three mattresses.
He and his wife have been great to us.
Betty taught Soon-Lee how to make spoon
bread and Charlie got me on his bowling team.
They don't take everybody.
No diphtheria cases.
He's out 30 clams each if we don't find
them.
Mattresses.
What a comedown.
I, who have produced generators out of
thin air, switched truckloads of
penicillin, discovered plasma while I was
still inside the donors.
Ah, how the sneaky have fallen.
Mattresses.
Why would anyone want to steal a mattress?
I don't know.
I'm trying to find a phone.
I got the perfect spot.
Mattresses and everything.
I got seven guys waiting, all paid in
advance.
What are they like?
They're all wonderful fellas.
I mean, the mattresses, I could catch
something.
Relax.
They're from the psych ward.
The worst you could get is a case of
nerves.
Oh.
Where am I pushing you?
Here.
Nobody's ever in here.
Damn, my luck.
How you doing, Roger?
It's a little bumpy.
Well, tough it out.
Oh, good evening.
Oh, Lord.
Father.
Oh, Mr. Jester, I see you have a visitor.
My sister.
Father, meet my sister.
Oh, nice.
They're serving sponge cake and popsicles
in the day room later.
Wow.
Won't that be swell, sis?
Maybe I'll drop by on my break.
That was close.
Quiet, Roger.
Father, I'm going to take your advice.
I'd like to read a good book.
Here.
Mr. Loomis?
Will you lay off, Father?
The last thing I want is a book.
You'll like this one.
It's called A Visit from Roger.
Dad!
Hey.
Hey, how did you do it?
He's not supposed to be here.
A ridiculous rule.
No visitors under 16.
Call me an outlaw, but this is your best
medicine.
I have Spencer's charity.
Jiggers.
It's the heat.
Hey, Spencer.
How about giving me one of them smokes?
You kidding?
Patients aren't allowed to smoke in bed.
I just want them, man.
Get lost.
You got yours.
It ain't fair.
They always dole us out six cigarettes,
but you guys get two whole packs.
Tough.
Your kind gets what you get.
We get what we get.
You think my kind got shot at less than
your kind?
Get out of here.
Here, fellas, stop that now.
Stop it, I say.
How about that?
We have a visitor, Colonel.
Yep.
The smallest 16-year-old I've seen.
Outside of the pygmy rainforest.
June, Simon & Simon's Jameson Parker joins the Whiz
Kids to track down a fiend selling deadly nerve gas.
Who is it?
That's a good question.
Whiz Kids, Wednesday.
How do they stand it?
All this starch.
It's great.
It could go anywhere now.
It'd fit right in.
I feel like a virgin.
I think.
Go down to the day room.
I'll line up a new location and come and
get you.
Okie dokie.
Are these shoes too dressy?
Nobody's gonna be looking at your feet.
That finger's gotta be stitched.
Can you swallow all right?
Well, it hurts a little.
I'll take a look.
Fighting, smoking in bed.
Talk about a couple of first-class cats.
Abby Keds, nurse, follow me.
You mean me?
You are on duty, aren't you?
Yes, sir.
I'm here for the whole evening.
In here.
Get me some 4-0 plain and 3-0 silk.
I'll try.
This is my first time here, you know.
Sit down, Johnson.
Look what you did to this digit.
The cabinet!
The cabinet!
A lifetime in the military, and I still
don't understand it.
This won't hurt.
Or maybe it will.
Guys go to war to save each other's butts, and
then they come home and kick each other's butts.
Would you say that name again?
What I'm getting?
4-0 plain and 3-0 silk.
I'll just bring an assortment.
You two clowns were both at Pusan with the
8th Army, both wounded, both decorated.
Yeah.
Is that numb yet?
Yeah.
Just like both your skulls.
Stand by here, nurse, and get me some tube
gauze.
These fuzzy things?
You gods!
Are you a nurse or aren't you?
You mean registered?
You don't smell like a nurse.
Oh, yuck!
There's a bench right outside the door.
Sit.
Take deep breaths.
Well, maybe not too deep.
And we'll have a little talk about this later.
Doc, could I ask a favor?
When you do the stitching, could I have
the cigarette?
Don't use them myself.
Here.
Thanks.
Audiology, Texas, New York, bro.
Contact the nursing supervisor, please.
Oh, uh, nurse!
You know, McMillan and 2C, he's been
clamoring for the past hour.
He wants a sponge bath.
A sponge bath?
I don't do that.
Not even for $10.
You know what you mean.
We all have our dirty work.
Nurse, do me a favor.
Take these samples down to the lab,
will you?
Samples of what?
Oh, no!
And cocktails for two.
Now, nurse.
What the hell?
Can I come again?
Yes, but let's give my nerves a few days
rest.
Now, the exit's at the bottom of the
stairs.
Good night, Roger.
Bye.
Hey, what's going on?
You got my money?
Look, let's end this unhappy episode.
I'll go to my office and bring you $2.50
plus a gratuity.
The diocese permits 10%.
You know something, Father?
For a mackerel snapper, you're okay.
Thank you.
I guess.
Sarah, you a nurse?
Nurse now.
Well, sweetheart, it was one of the
fragments making the trouble.
We got that cleared up.
I hope you and the roast are still warm.
I'll be there in a few minutes.
Give or take an hour.
Duck again?
Yes, sir, between two floors.
Who's in it?
Father Mulcahy and a nurse.
Wish you weren't open-toed shoes.
Help!
Where are the maintenance people?
One of the steam pipes just blew.
They're stripped down to their skivvies.
Let me check.
Mr. Schaff, sir, maybe I can fix it.
Could be dangerous.
Like I used to say in Korea, danger is my
business.
Don't remember you saying that either.
Were we in the same Korea?
Geronimo!
Let's try to be patient.
I don't think we're in any danger.
I never did like hospitals.
No one does.
But we're both here for the same reason,
to help and comfort people.
I do it in my way, you do it in yours.
See there?
There, Colonel, between the roller and the
roller guide.
Looks like an old piece of cable,
tangled up.
A hundred to one, that's what's coming up
the giblets.
Lebanese elevator terminology.
Help!
Hang on!
Hang on!
I found my nurse.
Cigarette?
Oh, no, thank you.
No, I mean, do you have one?
Oh, I'm afraid I've never taken it up.
By the way, I'm Father Mulcahy.
And you're new here, aren't you?
Very.
I've seen you before, but I didn't know
you were a nurse.
No, no, we've never met.
But we have.
And I know exactly who you are.
Father had a terrible childhood.
You're Mr. Jester's sister.
Yes.
Okay, now, you can just lower me to the
roller back.
Okay.
Here we go.
Easy.
Easy.
All right, here we go, sir.
All right.
All right.
Here we go.
I mean, I used to think, what if I was trapped in an
elevator with Marlon Brando or Johnny Ray or like that?
I mean, look what really happened.
By which I only mean it in fun,
Your Holiness.
Thanks for the promotion, but for now,
just call me Father.
Okay.
I hope you're not sore.
I want you to know my favorite picture
of all time was the Song of Bernadette.
Oh, I've never seen it.
Oh, it's all about suffering and pain.
You should treat yourself to it.
You there yet?
Another couple of feet!
I'm on my way, Father!
We gotta save him.
He's getting my dough.
Oh, I wish we were out of here.
Sarah, sometimes something unplanned,
unexpected like this
gives us a chance to slow
down, take stock of ourselves,
maybe even find a way to be
better at whatever it is we do.
I know I'm going to try.
Not much to take stock of with me.
But if we use these precious moments to
evaluate ourselves, to ask, who am I?
Where am I going?
Where haven't I been?
Indeed.
We've just met, Sarah, but I like you.
I really do.
You do?
Gee, I'm nothing.
Oh, no.
First of all, nobody is nothing.
Second of all, I see something in you.
A directness.
An honesty.
You're a good person, Sarah.
Don't ever think you're not.
Ooh.
You all right?
Klinger?
Let her rescue, Padre.
All right, sir.
Give it a real yank.
One, two, three.
We're moving.
Max!
Max!
Oh, my God!
Maybe it helped going in his direction.
You saved us.
Come on.
Oh.
Thank you, thank you.
Don't be no second show.
You're a hero.
Goodness, that's over.
Come on.
Let's go.
The guys are ready to kill me.
But I got the recovery room.
What's the matter?
I'm finished with that.
What?
I had time in there to take stock of some
things.
The store's closed.
I'm going for a new life.
Sarah, be practical.
You're almost 25.
Sorry, I'm through.
Damn shame.
It was a fortune to be made here.
Oh.
Well, call me next week in case it doesn't
work out.
Well, son, you did it.
You know something?
It was kind of like the war again.
Bad as it was, rotten as it was,
there was always the excitement,
the adrenaline pumping.
Now I got to get back to looking for three
lousy mattresses.
Try the recovery room.
There you are.
Taxi?
She's a great tipper.
Don't go away.
We'll be right back.
Who is there?
Who were you expecting?
Sweetheart, I'm sorry about our evening.
No, you're not.
You love to be dragged away from me.
You love the action.
Now you know better than that.
What'd you do all night?
Oh, look through some picture albums.
Snaps of us when we were young.
You weren't in most of them.
Good night, sugar.
Good morning.
Tuesday.
I've got to know what happened!
Ben must unravel a deadly cover-up to
solve a murder.
One-time daily guest stars.
But is she a victim or a killer on the
Mississippi?
Not a Denver Point NAS.
Hillary plots to hide her past while the
future for Jack and Celia grows dim.
But first, can Newhart write a book when
his lovely client wears a sensuous look?
Stella Stevens guest stars on Newhart.
Next.