Allen Gregory (2011) s01e05 Episode Script
Full Blown Maids
Mr.
Allen! Margarita! What are you doing?! Stop! Stop right now! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Stop! Stop right now! I can't stop in the middle! Please close the door! It's okay, it's okay.
It's an honest mistake.
Nobody's mad, you're fired, we'll just move on, forget the whole thing.
Wait, what was the third-to-last thing you say? Allen Gregory 1x05 Full Blown Maids Ya, ya Ya, ya Allen Gregory Allen, Allen.
Everybody go easy on Jeremy.
He's a fragile bunny right now since he got fired from another temp job.
I didn't get fired.
That's what a temp job is.
It's temporary.
It just ends.
That's right, kids.
There's nothing to worry about.
The jobs just end for no reason.
Okay, that's not what I'm Bup-bup-bup, silver lining.
Now you'll be home more.
The only reason I haven't been home is because you've been forcing me to get a job.
Well, one man's force is another man's pleasure.
Okay.
Oh, speaking of jobless humps, I fired the maid this morning.
You did?! I'm so proud of you! Must've been one of those temp jobs.
You fired her? Why? I walked in the bathroom and let's just say, what happens in Margarita, doesn't stay in Margarita.
Especially Baja shrimp.
You fired the housekeeper for using the bathroom.
Hmm.
Well, I guess we're just gonna have to clean up after ourselves.
Okay, let's grab this here, put that on that, I guess that works.
Ugh! I cannot do this every day.
Cleaning is hard.
I mean what could I do? I had to let her go, P.
Was it easy? No.
Did a little part of me enjoy it? Of course.
And that's what scares me.
Was she sad about being fired? Hmm, that's a good question.
Do maids have emotions? Oh, my God, Patrick! Um, excuse me, señor? I don't know his name.
As you can see, my friend has some sort of palsy and knocked over his soda.
Why are you telling me? How long is your break, old man? But I do not work here.
No, not anymore you don't.
What does this mean? I'll tell you what it means.
You're fired.
But I am a student at the school.
You know what? Maybe it's best that you go before we have to involve security or Immigration.
That got his legs moving, huh? Hi, Jeremy De Longpre.
I got a call that you had another temp job for me.
It's housekeeping work.
Here's the address.
You need directions? Uh, I think there's a mistake.
This is my house.
You want directions or not? No.
Again, I live there.
Do you have anything else? Oh, yeah, there's plenty of other options.
Left fielder for the Yankees-- would that work for you? Or hang on-- looks like Bon Jovi needs a new guitarist.
What's wrong with Sambora-- oh, you're being sarcastic.
If you don't want it, that's your biz.
But step aside, 'cause there are plenty of people who do.
Excuse me.
You no take job? No.
I take job.
Super.
Here are your directions.
Traffic can be a bear that time of day, so please plan accordingly.
Allen Gregory, I've always felt like this goes without saying, but you cannot fire a student! I know that, Gina! I didn't fire a student! He's in the cafeteria every day so I know he works there, but I never see him work, which is why I had to fire him.
Just because Guillermo's Hispanic, it doesn't mean he works in the cafeteria.
Whoa, Gyna, why bring race into it? Just because he works in the cafeteria doesn't mean he's Hispanic, you monster.
Guillermo is Hispanic.
But he doesn't work in the cafeteria.
Right, because I fired him.
It's like we're talking in circles here.
You know what? I would send you to detention, but that wouldn't teach you anything.
So you are gonna write a 50-word essay explaining what happened today, and why it was wrong, and what you learned from it.
And what if I don't? You'll get a failing grade, and I'll see you here in my classroom again next year.
So just a tight fiddy then? What? Yay! Oh.
Yay.
What's going on? You're a working man now, bubba! Congrats on the new temp job.
You knew about this? I set it up, silly! You needed a job, we needed a housekeeper.
I scratch my back, you scratch mine! Richard, aren't you at all uncomfortable with the idea of me being our housekeeper? Oh, I miss my Jerry-Berry.
Look, I know you feel like you have to work, but if you work here, at least we'll get to be together.
Yeah.
Look, it's only temporary.
And as long as we keep our work lives and our personal lives completely separate, I think we can make this work.
Don't you? I have concerns.
Patrick, I can't hand this in.
Half of this makes it seem like it was my fault.
The other half reads like a freakin' apology! Well, maybe you should write it? Maybe Maybe I-- okay.
No, no, seriously, take another pass, shoot me a copy tonight, I'll send you some notes, do another pass, I'll send you some more notes, pass, notes, pass, notes, pass, notes, trust the process.
Hmm, what was that all about, my prince? I got into trouble at school.
Aw, boo.
There was this Hispanic cafeteria worker chumming it up with the students instead of doing his job.
So I fired his ass.
That's my boy.
Well, no wonder you got in trouble.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to be firing people.
Oh, you're pretty sure?! I'm not supposed to be firing people, Jeremy?! I got in trouble because Gina insists that this Guillermo guy is a student and not a cafeteria worker, and it was racist of me to think that.
Now I've got to write an essay about it.
Psh! Okay, I think I'm starting to see what happened.
Allen Gregory, you do know that not all Hispanic people are service workers? What do you mean? I think what he's saying is that since he's the maid-- - I hired him as our maid, by the way.
- Oh, nice.
Since he's the maid, it's racist to think that white people can't do it, too.
No, that's not what I'm saying at all.
I think we're reinforcing bad behavior, Rich.
You've sheltered him too much.
Well, I think you've missed the point completely, Jeremy.
This teacher is out of control! My son's a racist, giving assignments.
Who does she think she is? You know what I say to that? You up her with your own assignment.
You go in there and prove that you're right, as always.
Yeah, he's not sheltered.
You know what? That's a great idea.
Thanks, Dad.
Rich, I'm kind of worried that we may have sent him in the wrong direction there.
Seems like a weird thing to worry about with this glitter all over the floor.
Okay, Val, in this scene, I need you to smile.
But God help me, if I see that smile, I'm gonna slap it off your face.
- Gotcha.
Totally fair.
- Now take it from the top.
What is going on here? Patrick? Hey, Ms.
Winthrop.
We have to keep it down because Allen Gregory is holding auditions for his assignment.
Allen Gregory, your assignment was an essay.
Patrick? Allen Gregory felt like your essay idea didn't really pop, and that the assignment kind of wanted to be a breathtaking stage production.
So he didn't do the-- what am I doing? You didn't do the assignment? I did the assignment behind the assignment.
Instead of writing 50 words, I banged out 50 pages of searing social commentary.
I'm putting on a play.
What kind of play? The kind of play that shows the world what happened here yesterday.
'Cause I'm not racist, Gina.
And it hurts me that anyone would think that.
Well, I suppose as long as you take the assignment seriously, it could be a good learning opportunity.
But I'm gonna need to read it.
Patrick, give her the script.
I'm not allowed to give out the script.
Oh, but he just said Thanks so much, Gina! There it is.
Oh.
Hey, Allen Gregory.
Hey there.
I've got good news, guys.
Val, you got the part.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe this.
Well, believe it.
And, Beth, I've got two words for you, honey: stage crew.
How does that hit you? That hits me in the sweet spot, actually.
You bet it does.
Okay, see you guys at rehearsal.
Julie! Coming to wash that crap off your face? What crap? Oh, that is your face.
My bad.
So you're actually gonna be in his play.
Well, Val is.
I didn't get the part.
That's nothing to hang your head about, Beth.
Without the crew, I'm nothing.
This whole thing is ridiculous.
You know Guillermo.
He doesn't work in the school.
We thought that, too, Jules.
But then we read the script.
It makes a pretty compelling case.
Ugh! Ooh, you might want to use a different one.
Please? Well, this feels better to us, right? Uh, not really.
I don't know why I can't just clean in my normal clothes, Richard.
Ooh, "Richard.
" That sounds a little informal, huh? You know what might also help? If you called me "Mr.
De Longpre" while you're on the clock.
I'm not gonna do that.
Mm, yeah.
Mr.
De Longpre is your name, too.
How about "Mr.
Richard" then? Or how about we just do none of this? Okay.
I mean, I was trying to make it so that we could spend more time together, but guess that was silly of me.
No.
It wasn't silly.
I'm sorry.
Let's give it another try.
Let's give it another try? Let's give it another try, Mr.
Richard.
There, now was that so hard, Yeremy? Did you just call me Yeremy? What am I doing here? You fired me.
But I'm rehiring you.
Not as a janitor this time, but as an actor in a play about you being a janitor.
But what if I don't want Oh, good, Gina, hop on up real quick.
Yeah, I got your note.
Patrick doesn't look like he had a seizure.
What's going on? Just keep it loose, informal, just like we're talking, conversational.
Wait, are you auditioning me? So go ahead and tell us your name, sweetheart.
There's a character named Gina? I'm in your play? Well, not yet.
Let's see how this goes.
And then we'll probably need to have a little chit-chat about you losing, what, 75, 80 pounds, mostly around your ass and face.
Allen Gregory, you are way out of line! Okay, give me that again, but don't make that gargoyle face.
This is ridiculous.
Buh! No! Unsalvageable.
Thanks for coming in anyway though, Gine.
We've got all your info, right? We know how to get ahold of you? We won't need to, but-but we do just in case? Okay.
Just so you know, I was in plays in college, and I could do this if I wanted to, it's just not appropriate.
Eee-yi.
Now, who am I gonna get that can summon that same sense of revulsion from the audience? I'm not gonna be in your play.
It's absurd.
Wait, Julie.
You know how no one knows you exist, like at all, like you're just a huge zero? What if I told you that could all very slightly change? I'd say I don't care.
Julie, please? I'm offering you a lead role.
After playing this part, instead of people walking right through you, they'll walk right by you, and maybe they'll even say, "Oh, hey, look, there's that weird Asian girl.
You know, from the play.
" I guess I'd like that.
Well, you can have it.
And more.
Not much more.
Something along those lines.
Be realistic.
It's not gonna be a lot more.
It'll be very slightly more.
Mm-mm, uh.
Mm.
Ah.
Okay, what is it now, Mr.
Richard? You know what I think happened? I think that you were so focused on getting the corners right this time-- and you did that, hooray-- but now those pillows have kind of fallen by the wayside.
The pillows haven't moved.
Well, maybe they just looked right because the corners were such a disaster.
Which is a shame because your first four attempts, you just crushed the corners and the pillows.
But, of course, that's when we were having those comforter issues.
Of course.
Okay, you know what? It's 5:00.
I'll try again tomorrow.
What are you doing?! I thought you'd want to take a little napsy-doodle.
After such a long day.
I spent all afternoon making the bed! Okay, whoa.
That's the maid talking.
I don't want to feel the stress of your job, Jeremy.
Leave your work at work.
Richard, you sound like a crazy person.
This is where I work.
No, this is where the maid works.
I'm both people! Well now who sounds like a crazy person?! Who sounds crazy now, Jeremy?! Okay, I think I know what will make you feel better.
Here.
Put this on.
That's my maid uniform.
I just took it off.
No.
This is a sexy maid outfit.
For role-play, dumbo! It's tear-away, and guess what else? Oh, please tell me it has a Butt-less! Byoo! Byoo, byoo, byoo! Okay, let's take it from the top, G.
Hola, Guillermo.
Missed you at the janitor meeting last night.
What was up with that? You're always there.
Okay, this is not true.
I have told you, I am not a janitor.
This is play is racist.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You can't stop rehearsal and start throwing around "capital R" bombs, Guillermo.
That can be hurtful.
Come on, man, be professional.
If you have a thought, write it down on a Post-It, slide that Post-It over to me.
I'll carefully crumple it up, throw it in the garbage, you take out that garbage later, and no one's feelings get hurt.
- Okay.
I'm not going to take out the garbage, and I'm certainly not going to play this part.
Hmm.
You just gave me an idea.
Guillermo, you're fired again, and Val, you're playing Guillermo.
Ooh, I like it, I like it, I like it.
Right? 'Cause I don't even think the audience would notice.
Guillermo, is that kind of what you were saying? What? No, not really.
Perfect, the show goes on.
No, no.
No! Oh, honey, honey, honey, honey.
Someone was supposed to call you and tell you that you sucked and didn't get the part.
Well, I don't care because it's not happening.
What are you babbling about right now? I just read it.
It's incredibly insensitive, irresponsible, and it's just wrong.
And there's no way I'm letting you do it.
This play is off.
Wait.
She got the part?! Who do you think you are shutting down my production? Trust me, I'm doing it for your own good.
I know you want these kids to like you, Allen Gregory.
And this is not gonna do it.
If people see this, they will be very upset.
I'm used to people being jealous of me, babe.
It comes with all this.
I shouldn't have let it get this far.
The play is off.
Oh, is it? What are you doing? Getting Rossmyre on the phone.
Take his temperature on this whole thing.
Allen Gregory, the superintendent of the school system doesn't have time You got the Boss-myre.
How's she hangin', big dog? A little to the left and just above my knee.
I have really short thighs.
What can I do for you, Allen Gregory? Well, that depends.
Does the name Gina Winthrop mean anything to you? Boy, does it.
Means about ten crying phone calls a night since I broke up with her.
You did not break up with me because we were never dating.
Ho! Am I on speaker? Hey, Gina! You're a tough lady to get a hold of.
Did you change your number? Of course I did.
You're supposed to report that to the school system.
Did you know that your dad doesn't even have it? Okay, Stewart Mr.
Rossmyre, I think Allen Gregory is calling because he expects you'll overrule my objections to his play.
Well, I'd like to hear about your objections.
Maybe over a nice piece of swordfish? And then dinner? You hear that one, Allen Gregory? Loud and clear, Boss-myre.
I am not having dinner with you.
The last time I made that mistake, I blacked out for five hours because someone slipped something into my drink.
Well, I already said, under oath, that it wasn't me.
Okay, okay, you know what? You want to let this play go on, that's fine.
They can boo you off the stage for all I care.
Boo me? Okay.
Yeah, boo you.
Because this play shows that you are a racist.
And you don't even know it.
I wash my hands of the whole thing.
And the dinner? Gina? Did Allen Gregory just storm out? Your paycheck is here.
Open it, open it, open it! Hmm.
What is this?! We pay the maid $300 a day.
Yeah, I know.
But you're making less than that? Well, the temp agency takes a cut, and then, Uncle Sam takes a cut.
Well, then, I hate to say this, but you're gonna have to see if you can get some doubles.
If I get doubles, I'll make a little bit more, but it will cost you a lot more.
Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, you're very handsome, but you don't know the first thing about business.
You get paid extra for overtime, right? Of course.
Well, there you go.
Where, Richard?! Where do I go?! You know, I don't think I like your tone, Yeremy.
Well, I'm positive that I hate yours.
Uh-oh, the big maid is standing his ground.
But I'd be careful if I were you.
'Cause that's the kind of thing that gets people fired around here.
Oh, is it? Well, let me save you the trouble.
You're a terrible boss, Mr.
Richard.
Like off the charts.
But guess what? Right now you're an even worse husband.
I quit.
Carl-Trent, do you think I'm racist? What?! You?! No, no, no, no.
How do you know? Because I'm black.
We decide.
You know, I was once in your shoes.
1997, I'm at The Grill with Jerry Bruckheimer Waiting on him? Yeah, but he waves me over, says, "CT, what you got for me?" - Wants to hear the specials? - Yeah, but instead I throw him a title.
Six Dead Bitches.
A rom-com.
Uh-huh.
Did he go for it? Oh, no.
He passed before the appetizers came.
So you know what I did? You ate his appetizers? Yeah, but I also went ahead and made that movie myself.
Because I had a vision, just like you.
And I didn't let anything get in the way of that.
You go out there, AG and you share your vision with the world.
Oh, they put you here? Well, no, they didn't put me anywhere.
It's a first-grade play.
You can sit wherever you want.
Oh.
I didn't realize maids were so knowledgeable about the theater.
Ooh.
Look at me, Mr.
Butterfingers over here.
Oh, it's okay.
There's a gentleman here whose job it is to clean up your mess.
Excuse me, Señor? Could you come over here for a second? Why don't you go ahead and clean it up yourself, gringo? That's an interesting accent.
What am I hearing there, pal? Illegal Hispanic.
Oh, well I'll be.
You are Hispanic.
That's funny, I just saw you as a janitor.
A janitor I'm gonna have to fire for not doing his job.
Well, would you buy this as an excuse for my blatant laziness? I'm a student here, not a janitor.
That may be enough to fool stupid-ass Gina, but sorry, Papi.
You ain't fooling me.
Okay, here's the deal-- I'm completely useless.
I don't know what my purpose is on this earth.
That being said, you cannot fire him.
You need to treat him different because he looks different.
Well, Gina, I couldn't disagree more.
It would be unfair not to fire him and let him keep his job because he's Hispanic.
So I say we send this sack of sweat packing.
Who's with me? He's racist! Hey.
Why is everybody? What's the problem? Stop.
Please be quiet, crowd.
Hello.
I am the real Guillermo.
Not the character of Guillermo.
The content of this play does not ring true to me.
It's all lies.
I am seven years old.
I do not work in the school system.
It's racist to think that just because I am a Mexican means I work in the cafeteria.
In addition to this what I have said, it's wrong to treat service workers like they're less than you, no matter what their race is.
And racism-- it's bad.
You okay? Play was kind of racist, huh? Yeah.
'Cause I guess it turns out Guillermo is a student in the school? Yes, I told you that he was a student.
I know someone told me that.
I forget who it was.
So what do I do? I think you should go out there and apologize to Guillermo, and to everyone else.
I hate to say this, like it actually makes me physically sick to my stomach-- but I think you might be right.
Here we go.
What's going on? Everyone thinks Guillermo's speech was part of the play.
They loved it.
Okay, Allen Gregory, this doesn't change anything.
You tell them the truth.
Right.
Okay.
Uh so Gina Winthrop has made me realize that that the play was-was wrong.
What? Why would you say something like that? What was wrong about it? What are you teaching these kids? Well, it was extremely racist, and Maybe you didn't grasp the concept, Gina.
It was a commentary on being racist.
That's why you broke the fourth wall with the big man in the end, right, Allen Gregory? No, he didn't know why he was doing it.
Well, that's what I was going for.
I wasn't sure it landed Landed here.
And over here.
I got it.
No, that's not what he meant.
Gina, it seemed to have resonated with them.
Okay.
If you did it on purpose, then I'd like to know why.
What was the thinking behind breaking the fourth wall, Allen Gregory? Huh? Well, the story was all about breaking down walls, so I figured why not break down the last one? Right, Guillermo? What is it? Makes sense to me.
Me, too.
I buy it.
Geen? Did that answer your question, or? Ugh.
I better go slip something I mean, give her something that'll calm her down.
I have to admit, I liked being up on the stage in front of the people.
I ate that spotlight up with a big old spoon.
Yeah, you did, big boy.
How'd she taste? Delicious.
Lord O'Malley! That play really struck a chord in me.
I think I owe you an apology, sir.
It was wrong of me to treat you the way I did.
Oh, thanks, Rich.
I appreciate that.
So I'm sorry that I fired you.
Well, you didn't really fire me.
I kind of quit.
Ah, you say "tomato," I say bee-boop.
Guillermo! You were so great! Oh, thanks, Mr.
De Longpre.
That's Val, Dad.
Julie, coming out of nowhere! Did you catch the play? - I was in it, too.
- Oh.
Allen! Margarita! What are you doing?! Stop! Stop right now! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Stop! Stop right now! I can't stop in the middle! Please close the door! It's okay, it's okay.
It's an honest mistake.
Nobody's mad, you're fired, we'll just move on, forget the whole thing.
Wait, what was the third-to-last thing you say? Allen Gregory 1x05 Full Blown Maids Ya, ya Ya, ya Allen Gregory Allen, Allen.
Everybody go easy on Jeremy.
He's a fragile bunny right now since he got fired from another temp job.
I didn't get fired.
That's what a temp job is.
It's temporary.
It just ends.
That's right, kids.
There's nothing to worry about.
The jobs just end for no reason.
Okay, that's not what I'm Bup-bup-bup, silver lining.
Now you'll be home more.
The only reason I haven't been home is because you've been forcing me to get a job.
Well, one man's force is another man's pleasure.
Okay.
Oh, speaking of jobless humps, I fired the maid this morning.
You did?! I'm so proud of you! Must've been one of those temp jobs.
You fired her? Why? I walked in the bathroom and let's just say, what happens in Margarita, doesn't stay in Margarita.
Especially Baja shrimp.
You fired the housekeeper for using the bathroom.
Hmm.
Well, I guess we're just gonna have to clean up after ourselves.
Okay, let's grab this here, put that on that, I guess that works.
Ugh! I cannot do this every day.
Cleaning is hard.
I mean what could I do? I had to let her go, P.
Was it easy? No.
Did a little part of me enjoy it? Of course.
And that's what scares me.
Was she sad about being fired? Hmm, that's a good question.
Do maids have emotions? Oh, my God, Patrick! Um, excuse me, señor? I don't know his name.
As you can see, my friend has some sort of palsy and knocked over his soda.
Why are you telling me? How long is your break, old man? But I do not work here.
No, not anymore you don't.
What does this mean? I'll tell you what it means.
You're fired.
But I am a student at the school.
You know what? Maybe it's best that you go before we have to involve security or Immigration.
That got his legs moving, huh? Hi, Jeremy De Longpre.
I got a call that you had another temp job for me.
It's housekeeping work.
Here's the address.
You need directions? Uh, I think there's a mistake.
This is my house.
You want directions or not? No.
Again, I live there.
Do you have anything else? Oh, yeah, there's plenty of other options.
Left fielder for the Yankees-- would that work for you? Or hang on-- looks like Bon Jovi needs a new guitarist.
What's wrong with Sambora-- oh, you're being sarcastic.
If you don't want it, that's your biz.
But step aside, 'cause there are plenty of people who do.
Excuse me.
You no take job? No.
I take job.
Super.
Here are your directions.
Traffic can be a bear that time of day, so please plan accordingly.
Allen Gregory, I've always felt like this goes without saying, but you cannot fire a student! I know that, Gina! I didn't fire a student! He's in the cafeteria every day so I know he works there, but I never see him work, which is why I had to fire him.
Just because Guillermo's Hispanic, it doesn't mean he works in the cafeteria.
Whoa, Gyna, why bring race into it? Just because he works in the cafeteria doesn't mean he's Hispanic, you monster.
Guillermo is Hispanic.
But he doesn't work in the cafeteria.
Right, because I fired him.
It's like we're talking in circles here.
You know what? I would send you to detention, but that wouldn't teach you anything.
So you are gonna write a 50-word essay explaining what happened today, and why it was wrong, and what you learned from it.
And what if I don't? You'll get a failing grade, and I'll see you here in my classroom again next year.
So just a tight fiddy then? What? Yay! Oh.
Yay.
What's going on? You're a working man now, bubba! Congrats on the new temp job.
You knew about this? I set it up, silly! You needed a job, we needed a housekeeper.
I scratch my back, you scratch mine! Richard, aren't you at all uncomfortable with the idea of me being our housekeeper? Oh, I miss my Jerry-Berry.
Look, I know you feel like you have to work, but if you work here, at least we'll get to be together.
Yeah.
Look, it's only temporary.
And as long as we keep our work lives and our personal lives completely separate, I think we can make this work.
Don't you? I have concerns.
Patrick, I can't hand this in.
Half of this makes it seem like it was my fault.
The other half reads like a freakin' apology! Well, maybe you should write it? Maybe Maybe I-- okay.
No, no, seriously, take another pass, shoot me a copy tonight, I'll send you some notes, do another pass, I'll send you some more notes, pass, notes, pass, notes, pass, notes, trust the process.
Hmm, what was that all about, my prince? I got into trouble at school.
Aw, boo.
There was this Hispanic cafeteria worker chumming it up with the students instead of doing his job.
So I fired his ass.
That's my boy.
Well, no wonder you got in trouble.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to be firing people.
Oh, you're pretty sure?! I'm not supposed to be firing people, Jeremy?! I got in trouble because Gina insists that this Guillermo guy is a student and not a cafeteria worker, and it was racist of me to think that.
Now I've got to write an essay about it.
Psh! Okay, I think I'm starting to see what happened.
Allen Gregory, you do know that not all Hispanic people are service workers? What do you mean? I think what he's saying is that since he's the maid-- - I hired him as our maid, by the way.
- Oh, nice.
Since he's the maid, it's racist to think that white people can't do it, too.
No, that's not what I'm saying at all.
I think we're reinforcing bad behavior, Rich.
You've sheltered him too much.
Well, I think you've missed the point completely, Jeremy.
This teacher is out of control! My son's a racist, giving assignments.
Who does she think she is? You know what I say to that? You up her with your own assignment.
You go in there and prove that you're right, as always.
Yeah, he's not sheltered.
You know what? That's a great idea.
Thanks, Dad.
Rich, I'm kind of worried that we may have sent him in the wrong direction there.
Seems like a weird thing to worry about with this glitter all over the floor.
Okay, Val, in this scene, I need you to smile.
But God help me, if I see that smile, I'm gonna slap it off your face.
- Gotcha.
Totally fair.
- Now take it from the top.
What is going on here? Patrick? Hey, Ms.
Winthrop.
We have to keep it down because Allen Gregory is holding auditions for his assignment.
Allen Gregory, your assignment was an essay.
Patrick? Allen Gregory felt like your essay idea didn't really pop, and that the assignment kind of wanted to be a breathtaking stage production.
So he didn't do the-- what am I doing? You didn't do the assignment? I did the assignment behind the assignment.
Instead of writing 50 words, I banged out 50 pages of searing social commentary.
I'm putting on a play.
What kind of play? The kind of play that shows the world what happened here yesterday.
'Cause I'm not racist, Gina.
And it hurts me that anyone would think that.
Well, I suppose as long as you take the assignment seriously, it could be a good learning opportunity.
But I'm gonna need to read it.
Patrick, give her the script.
I'm not allowed to give out the script.
Oh, but he just said Thanks so much, Gina! There it is.
Oh.
Hey, Allen Gregory.
Hey there.
I've got good news, guys.
Val, you got the part.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe this.
Well, believe it.
And, Beth, I've got two words for you, honey: stage crew.
How does that hit you? That hits me in the sweet spot, actually.
You bet it does.
Okay, see you guys at rehearsal.
Julie! Coming to wash that crap off your face? What crap? Oh, that is your face.
My bad.
So you're actually gonna be in his play.
Well, Val is.
I didn't get the part.
That's nothing to hang your head about, Beth.
Without the crew, I'm nothing.
This whole thing is ridiculous.
You know Guillermo.
He doesn't work in the school.
We thought that, too, Jules.
But then we read the script.
It makes a pretty compelling case.
Ugh! Ooh, you might want to use a different one.
Please? Well, this feels better to us, right? Uh, not really.
I don't know why I can't just clean in my normal clothes, Richard.
Ooh, "Richard.
" That sounds a little informal, huh? You know what might also help? If you called me "Mr.
De Longpre" while you're on the clock.
I'm not gonna do that.
Mm, yeah.
Mr.
De Longpre is your name, too.
How about "Mr.
Richard" then? Or how about we just do none of this? Okay.
I mean, I was trying to make it so that we could spend more time together, but guess that was silly of me.
No.
It wasn't silly.
I'm sorry.
Let's give it another try.
Let's give it another try? Let's give it another try, Mr.
Richard.
There, now was that so hard, Yeremy? Did you just call me Yeremy? What am I doing here? You fired me.
But I'm rehiring you.
Not as a janitor this time, but as an actor in a play about you being a janitor.
But what if I don't want Oh, good, Gina, hop on up real quick.
Yeah, I got your note.
Patrick doesn't look like he had a seizure.
What's going on? Just keep it loose, informal, just like we're talking, conversational.
Wait, are you auditioning me? So go ahead and tell us your name, sweetheart.
There's a character named Gina? I'm in your play? Well, not yet.
Let's see how this goes.
And then we'll probably need to have a little chit-chat about you losing, what, 75, 80 pounds, mostly around your ass and face.
Allen Gregory, you are way out of line! Okay, give me that again, but don't make that gargoyle face.
This is ridiculous.
Buh! No! Unsalvageable.
Thanks for coming in anyway though, Gine.
We've got all your info, right? We know how to get ahold of you? We won't need to, but-but we do just in case? Okay.
Just so you know, I was in plays in college, and I could do this if I wanted to, it's just not appropriate.
Eee-yi.
Now, who am I gonna get that can summon that same sense of revulsion from the audience? I'm not gonna be in your play.
It's absurd.
Wait, Julie.
You know how no one knows you exist, like at all, like you're just a huge zero? What if I told you that could all very slightly change? I'd say I don't care.
Julie, please? I'm offering you a lead role.
After playing this part, instead of people walking right through you, they'll walk right by you, and maybe they'll even say, "Oh, hey, look, there's that weird Asian girl.
You know, from the play.
" I guess I'd like that.
Well, you can have it.
And more.
Not much more.
Something along those lines.
Be realistic.
It's not gonna be a lot more.
It'll be very slightly more.
Mm-mm, uh.
Mm.
Ah.
Okay, what is it now, Mr.
Richard? You know what I think happened? I think that you were so focused on getting the corners right this time-- and you did that, hooray-- but now those pillows have kind of fallen by the wayside.
The pillows haven't moved.
Well, maybe they just looked right because the corners were such a disaster.
Which is a shame because your first four attempts, you just crushed the corners and the pillows.
But, of course, that's when we were having those comforter issues.
Of course.
Okay, you know what? It's 5:00.
I'll try again tomorrow.
What are you doing?! I thought you'd want to take a little napsy-doodle.
After such a long day.
I spent all afternoon making the bed! Okay, whoa.
That's the maid talking.
I don't want to feel the stress of your job, Jeremy.
Leave your work at work.
Richard, you sound like a crazy person.
This is where I work.
No, this is where the maid works.
I'm both people! Well now who sounds like a crazy person?! Who sounds crazy now, Jeremy?! Okay, I think I know what will make you feel better.
Here.
Put this on.
That's my maid uniform.
I just took it off.
No.
This is a sexy maid outfit.
For role-play, dumbo! It's tear-away, and guess what else? Oh, please tell me it has a Butt-less! Byoo! Byoo, byoo, byoo! Okay, let's take it from the top, G.
Hola, Guillermo.
Missed you at the janitor meeting last night.
What was up with that? You're always there.
Okay, this is not true.
I have told you, I am not a janitor.
This is play is racist.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You can't stop rehearsal and start throwing around "capital R" bombs, Guillermo.
That can be hurtful.
Come on, man, be professional.
If you have a thought, write it down on a Post-It, slide that Post-It over to me.
I'll carefully crumple it up, throw it in the garbage, you take out that garbage later, and no one's feelings get hurt.
- Okay.
I'm not going to take out the garbage, and I'm certainly not going to play this part.
Hmm.
You just gave me an idea.
Guillermo, you're fired again, and Val, you're playing Guillermo.
Ooh, I like it, I like it, I like it.
Right? 'Cause I don't even think the audience would notice.
Guillermo, is that kind of what you were saying? What? No, not really.
Perfect, the show goes on.
No, no.
No! Oh, honey, honey, honey, honey.
Someone was supposed to call you and tell you that you sucked and didn't get the part.
Well, I don't care because it's not happening.
What are you babbling about right now? I just read it.
It's incredibly insensitive, irresponsible, and it's just wrong.
And there's no way I'm letting you do it.
This play is off.
Wait.
She got the part?! Who do you think you are shutting down my production? Trust me, I'm doing it for your own good.
I know you want these kids to like you, Allen Gregory.
And this is not gonna do it.
If people see this, they will be very upset.
I'm used to people being jealous of me, babe.
It comes with all this.
I shouldn't have let it get this far.
The play is off.
Oh, is it? What are you doing? Getting Rossmyre on the phone.
Take his temperature on this whole thing.
Allen Gregory, the superintendent of the school system doesn't have time You got the Boss-myre.
How's she hangin', big dog? A little to the left and just above my knee.
I have really short thighs.
What can I do for you, Allen Gregory? Well, that depends.
Does the name Gina Winthrop mean anything to you? Boy, does it.
Means about ten crying phone calls a night since I broke up with her.
You did not break up with me because we were never dating.
Ho! Am I on speaker? Hey, Gina! You're a tough lady to get a hold of.
Did you change your number? Of course I did.
You're supposed to report that to the school system.
Did you know that your dad doesn't even have it? Okay, Stewart Mr.
Rossmyre, I think Allen Gregory is calling because he expects you'll overrule my objections to his play.
Well, I'd like to hear about your objections.
Maybe over a nice piece of swordfish? And then dinner? You hear that one, Allen Gregory? Loud and clear, Boss-myre.
I am not having dinner with you.
The last time I made that mistake, I blacked out for five hours because someone slipped something into my drink.
Well, I already said, under oath, that it wasn't me.
Okay, okay, you know what? You want to let this play go on, that's fine.
They can boo you off the stage for all I care.
Boo me? Okay.
Yeah, boo you.
Because this play shows that you are a racist.
And you don't even know it.
I wash my hands of the whole thing.
And the dinner? Gina? Did Allen Gregory just storm out? Your paycheck is here.
Open it, open it, open it! Hmm.
What is this?! We pay the maid $300 a day.
Yeah, I know.
But you're making less than that? Well, the temp agency takes a cut, and then, Uncle Sam takes a cut.
Well, then, I hate to say this, but you're gonna have to see if you can get some doubles.
If I get doubles, I'll make a little bit more, but it will cost you a lot more.
Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, you're very handsome, but you don't know the first thing about business.
You get paid extra for overtime, right? Of course.
Well, there you go.
Where, Richard?! Where do I go?! You know, I don't think I like your tone, Yeremy.
Well, I'm positive that I hate yours.
Uh-oh, the big maid is standing his ground.
But I'd be careful if I were you.
'Cause that's the kind of thing that gets people fired around here.
Oh, is it? Well, let me save you the trouble.
You're a terrible boss, Mr.
Richard.
Like off the charts.
But guess what? Right now you're an even worse husband.
I quit.
Carl-Trent, do you think I'm racist? What?! You?! No, no, no, no.
How do you know? Because I'm black.
We decide.
You know, I was once in your shoes.
1997, I'm at The Grill with Jerry Bruckheimer Waiting on him? Yeah, but he waves me over, says, "CT, what you got for me?" - Wants to hear the specials? - Yeah, but instead I throw him a title.
Six Dead Bitches.
A rom-com.
Uh-huh.
Did he go for it? Oh, no.
He passed before the appetizers came.
So you know what I did? You ate his appetizers? Yeah, but I also went ahead and made that movie myself.
Because I had a vision, just like you.
And I didn't let anything get in the way of that.
You go out there, AG and you share your vision with the world.
Oh, they put you here? Well, no, they didn't put me anywhere.
It's a first-grade play.
You can sit wherever you want.
Oh.
I didn't realize maids were so knowledgeable about the theater.
Ooh.
Look at me, Mr.
Butterfingers over here.
Oh, it's okay.
There's a gentleman here whose job it is to clean up your mess.
Excuse me, Señor? Could you come over here for a second? Why don't you go ahead and clean it up yourself, gringo? That's an interesting accent.
What am I hearing there, pal? Illegal Hispanic.
Oh, well I'll be.
You are Hispanic.
That's funny, I just saw you as a janitor.
A janitor I'm gonna have to fire for not doing his job.
Well, would you buy this as an excuse for my blatant laziness? I'm a student here, not a janitor.
That may be enough to fool stupid-ass Gina, but sorry, Papi.
You ain't fooling me.
Okay, here's the deal-- I'm completely useless.
I don't know what my purpose is on this earth.
That being said, you cannot fire him.
You need to treat him different because he looks different.
Well, Gina, I couldn't disagree more.
It would be unfair not to fire him and let him keep his job because he's Hispanic.
So I say we send this sack of sweat packing.
Who's with me? He's racist! Hey.
Why is everybody? What's the problem? Stop.
Please be quiet, crowd.
Hello.
I am the real Guillermo.
Not the character of Guillermo.
The content of this play does not ring true to me.
It's all lies.
I am seven years old.
I do not work in the school system.
It's racist to think that just because I am a Mexican means I work in the cafeteria.
In addition to this what I have said, it's wrong to treat service workers like they're less than you, no matter what their race is.
And racism-- it's bad.
You okay? Play was kind of racist, huh? Yeah.
'Cause I guess it turns out Guillermo is a student in the school? Yes, I told you that he was a student.
I know someone told me that.
I forget who it was.
So what do I do? I think you should go out there and apologize to Guillermo, and to everyone else.
I hate to say this, like it actually makes me physically sick to my stomach-- but I think you might be right.
Here we go.
What's going on? Everyone thinks Guillermo's speech was part of the play.
They loved it.
Okay, Allen Gregory, this doesn't change anything.
You tell them the truth.
Right.
Okay.
Uh so Gina Winthrop has made me realize that that the play was-was wrong.
What? Why would you say something like that? What was wrong about it? What are you teaching these kids? Well, it was extremely racist, and Maybe you didn't grasp the concept, Gina.
It was a commentary on being racist.
That's why you broke the fourth wall with the big man in the end, right, Allen Gregory? No, he didn't know why he was doing it.
Well, that's what I was going for.
I wasn't sure it landed Landed here.
And over here.
I got it.
No, that's not what he meant.
Gina, it seemed to have resonated with them.
Okay.
If you did it on purpose, then I'd like to know why.
What was the thinking behind breaking the fourth wall, Allen Gregory? Huh? Well, the story was all about breaking down walls, so I figured why not break down the last one? Right, Guillermo? What is it? Makes sense to me.
Me, too.
I buy it.
Geen? Did that answer your question, or? Ugh.
I better go slip something I mean, give her something that'll calm her down.
I have to admit, I liked being up on the stage in front of the people.
I ate that spotlight up with a big old spoon.
Yeah, you did, big boy.
How'd she taste? Delicious.
Lord O'Malley! That play really struck a chord in me.
I think I owe you an apology, sir.
It was wrong of me to treat you the way I did.
Oh, thanks, Rich.
I appreciate that.
So I'm sorry that I fired you.
Well, you didn't really fire me.
I kind of quit.
Ah, you say "tomato," I say bee-boop.
Guillermo! You were so great! Oh, thanks, Mr.
De Longpre.
That's Val, Dad.
Julie, coming out of nowhere! Did you catch the play? - I was in it, too.
- Oh.