Asterix & Obelix: The Big Fight (2025) s01e05 Episode Script

Fastanfurius. Sit aprum lupus.
Er, "lupus"? Erm, what is that?
Because I studied Greek at school.
Get on with it.
Oh, yeah!
Legion, now march!
And the winner of this year's Big Fight
is Cassius Ceramix!
Cassius! Cassius! Cassius! Cassius!
Cassius! Cassius! Cassius!
Cassius! Cassius! Cassius!
Caesar!
I won this victory for you!
Caesar, I love you!
Is that the Big Fight then?
It's more like the Battle of the Losers!
Yeah, it certainly is a let-down.
No blows, no spilt blood,
no fractures, no gouged eyeballs.
What example are we setting children?
Mmm. And what world are we leaving them?
What world, exactly!
I agree wholeheartedly.
Don't get me started.
Again!
More fighting! More brawling!
We want The Big Fight!
-It's my shield, Grandad!
-No, it isn't!
Getafix!
Oh! It's all kicking off
on the podium down there.
Yeah, you're right. Look at that slap.
Wow, not for the faint-hearted.
Avert your eyes.
-Four-leaf clover…
-Capture him!
-Shh, he's awake.
-Do you know me?
Getafix…
We feel glad in the home of Panono
Getafix, you okay?
Yes, I am, Asterix, I thank you.
A bit stunned, but I'm all right.
Good. That's good.
Hold on. You called me Asterix!
-Getafix, you're cured!
-In formation!
Here.
Now it's time
for the ceremony of the shields!
We have to act fast now.
There's nothing we can do, Asterix.
Our tribe must submit, it's the law.
Obelix lost.
I am the chief of you all!
No. Not us all.
Your attention please.
The great Julius Caesar is now
going to say a few words.
Thank you.
-Hmm?
-My beloved people…
Today is an historic day.
Today, the last village in Gaul
has fallen.
I'm the worst chief
in the whole history of Gaul.
Today, Rome has won.
Today, all of Gaul is occupied.
Caesar! Caesar! Caesar!
All? No!
There's still one Gaul. Me!
All of Gaul is not occupied.
What are you on about? You're a Roman now.
Accept your defeat. Your chief has lost.
No, Julius. Because he's not my chief.
Obelix banished me
from the village before the fight.
And it's the best decision
you took as a chief, my dearest Obelix.
It's all gone to pot. It's so sentimental.
All right! Let's give each other flowers
and shower each other in roses, huh?
I am the last indomitable!
I am Asterix the Gaul!
It's interminable.
What now? What are they booing for?
Well, there has been
no combat, no spectacle.
First there was no bread,
and now, no circuses.
Boo!
We're going to destroy this arena!
All right. So they want a show?
They shall have one.
Do you want a show?
I can't hear you, do you want a show?
Louder!
A show, then, is what you'll all see.
The incendiary squadron
to proceed to the catapults.
The incendiary squadron. Thank you.
Fire.
My village!
Oh, no, Julius.
If you don't obey the rules,
it changes everything.
Yeah, but why?
You won, so why burn down the village?
This is stupid.
Hey, whoa. I remind you
that the Big Fight was your idea.
It wasn't my idea
to set a village on fire!
Ah, but of course.
That's what we should have done.
Rap on the doors of their huts
and say, "Hello, Gauls."
"We're invading you, we hope that's okay".
Get your head out from your papyrus, girl!
This is war!
So choose which side you're on.
Ours or the barbarians.
Now, that's what I'm talking about.
The show's taking a new turn now.
It's getting good.
It's spectacular,
though not really conforming to the rules.
Oh, come off it!
What's wrong with a little massacre
every now and again, eh?
Caesar, what you're doing
is against Gaulish law.
This is what I think of your Gaulish laws.
My fishmongery!
Take care of that idiot.
With pleasure.
Potus, come with me.
The smell of victory.
Stinks like grilled fish.
And it's rotten too.
I've a riddle
I want to put to you, little Gaul.
What do you call an indomitable
with no potion?
Well, maybe you would say
he's a… domitable?
It's all right, no cause for alarm.
Mmm.
You ready?
Hmm.
Halt, Gaul! This way.
No funny stuff.
Leave him to me!
He's my prisoner, I'll handle it.
You, er, go stop the catapult
shooting at the village.
Really? But that's not
what Fastanfurius told us…
By order of Caesar!
Okay, let's go!
Mileycirus, stay here and assist.
-Let's take that one.
-Oh, no, those rides make me feel ill.
I prefer hook-a-duck or splat the rat…
No, no, no, no!
Oh, look over there.
-Huh, what's that?
-Over there, look!
Eh?
Hey. What are you doing, Roman?
I'm choosing my side. Come on!
Children, another fight starts for us.
But without magic potion,
we must all fight together in unity!
Because the Big Fight is you.
And you.
It's you, you, you,
and you!
So let's show these Romans
that the real chiefs are us!
Come on!
Legionary reinforcements
are requested at the centre of the arena
following the Gauls' rebellion. Thank you.
Out the way, let me through!
Where you going?
What are you doing, Tenmillionviews?
My name is Tenmillionclix!
Long live Gaul!
Traitor.
Even the Gaulish women get stuck in.
Now, that's equality.
Apparently, we're all equal now, huh?
Oh!
It's a Roman world
No, Gallic it is not
Clap your hands, you must
Respect all of our laws…
To think I fell for all this.
Not an Egyptian world
Nor Greek or African
It’s just a world that’s pure Roman
In this Roman world
Oh wow, it is so nice
A wonderful world
No, nothing can compare
If you don't like this…
No, no, Dogmatix.
Every time I wanna make things better,
I just make them worse.
Huh?
Here we are, a retro ruckus!
Like the old days, ah!
Whoa!
Oh, it's really hot.
Phew.
Hmm?
Ooh!
Is that magic potion?
Metadata, the secrets of druids' recipes
are passed down…
From one druid's mouth to another's ears.
I know. I'll go.
Eh?
-What on earth was that?
-The magic potion!
Their druid is making magic potion!
Getafix.
Ah.
To the village!
Asterix!
Stick with Obelix! To the catapult!
Quack-quack?
Hurry, hurry, hurry! Quick, quick, quick!
Watch out, coming through!
Oh!
-You okay?
-Mmm.
Wo bin ich?
But what's happening here?
It's a Roman world…
Hup!
Obelix!
Clap your hands, you must
Respect all of our laws
Mind out now, if you please.
How did they get here before us?
Ah, 'cause we went
via the Roman World amusement park
and went by river.
That's why we got wet feet.
But it also means
we got here quicker than you.
The rides there are really very good.
I've been twice now.
If you haven't been before,
I strongly recommend it.
-If you have time to go later.
-Potus!
Er, yeah, I'm coming! It's superb.
Mmm. The time has come
to taste the famous magic potion.
Er… Hmm.
Potus.
It's always me.
Drink.
Wow! I think I can feel it working.
Go and try it out.
Er…
Er, try it out over there?
Mars, I'm so fed up with all this.
It's always the same.
It's always me who has to taste things.
I go polka dots, I go green.
Gauls and their potions.
Well, I'm really sorry. Orders.
Oh, yeah!
-Obelix!
-Success.
You just wait!
Not bad.
Legion, potion!
Hmm?
I'm sorry. Sorry, but, er,
how is all this supposed to work?
We gotta share the same spoon?
Obelix! They are coming for you!
Oh!
Mmm.
Legion! In position!
We have nothing to lose.
Let's show them how indomitable we are,
and let's settle it, once and for all!
Gauls!
Assemble.
Attack!
Huh?
But, what… the…?
Wow.
Whoa!
Holy cow!
This is nuts!
What's going on?
What's happening, by Jupiter?
It's not the magic potion!
This one makes you fly and change colour!
Let's just say
it's a mixture of all three.
But I'm so bright!
There's a first time for everything.
Traitor!
You have my word
that I'll tell everyone in Rome
that you betrayed us!
Be my guest!
-Rome's that way. See ya!
-No, no, no!
No!
Oh, look! They sure know
how to put on a show, don't they?
Only in Armorica.
Oh!
It's beautiful, son.
Happy Birthday, Mummy.
Thank you, my boy.
Stick that in your pipe, Pompey.
Bravo, Getafix!
My friends, I couldn't have done it
without her help.
Well, er, thank you, Roman.
Er, Metadata.
Asterix.
Put out the fire!
'Cause I have one last little thing to do.
Go, the Gauls! Go, the Gauls!
Go, the Gauls! Go, the Gauls!
Go, the Gauls! Go, the Gauls!
Go, the Gauls! Go, the Gauls!
Go, the Gauls! Go, the Gauls!
Go, the Gauls! Go, the Gauls…
Gauls!
But… what are you doing
with those barbarians, Wikipedia?
These barbarians, O Caesar,
may be loud, grumpy, undisciplined,
and their personal hygiene
might be questionable…
Hmm?
But they don't need to conquer the world
to impose their tastes,
their gods, and their way of life.
And, for the last time, I am Metadata!
She has a temper on her.
So, which one of you is your chief?
It's me.
But in fact, it's him.
Gauls, I could destroy you.
Really? With what army?
Hmm.
But you certainly entertained my people.
And so you all deserve to live.
Now, to demonstrate
the generosity of Caesar…
I pardon you!
I hope one day they find another way
of saying "like" or "dislike", hmm?
Shall we, Mummy?
But why are they stopping?
There were fires and battles,
crying children, blood and guts…
All the ingredients you need
for a good night!
What is going on?!
Whew! Goodness, me.
Oh, what a day!
So, well, er…
Yeah, because he pardoned everyone,
er, let's just call it quits.
After all… us Gauls stick together.
No?
Let's put it behind us?
Let's not.
Long live our chief Vitalstatistix!
Here we go, Blackangus.
A traditional Gallic banquet
to mark the end
of this wonderful adventure.
Yes indeed, Hannabarbera!
They dance, they feast.
You can't deny it,
those Gauls know how to enjoy life.
Excuse me, but can I just ask,
are you going to commentate on everything?
Mmm, indeed.
What is this need to commentate?
Is one running from reality?
Try not to perform
one's way through life, perhaps.
Er, good evening, madam.
You see? For as long as I can remember,
I have always had
a passion for Gallic culture.
Metadata, as a thank you,
I'll share a secret
that can only be passed
from one druid's mouth
to another druid's ear.
Ah! Really?
Yes.
The trick is to heat it up again tomorrow.
A stew is always better that way.
Ah.
Could someone bring me
more of that strong Gallic ale?
Thank you.
Offerings! Offerings!
-Offerings! Offerings! Offerings!
-All right. Settle down, settle down.
Well, then, I think I know
who gave this one.
-Speech!
-Yes, go on, Obelix.
-Give us a few words, come on!
-Give us a speech! Speech!
Go on! A speech!
Er…
Get on with it!
This… menhir…
This menhir is for you, Chief.
And for you, Impedimenta.
-And it's for you, Cacofonix.
-Mmm.
And for you, Fulliautomatix.
Ah!
It's for you, Bacteria and Unhygienix.
And it is for you, my dear friend Asterix.
I'm so happy
that you're back in our village.
Hmm?
And yes, it's for you too, Dogmatix.
This menhir, my friends,
it is for one and for all.
Because it's like our unity.
It's like our village.
Solid as a rock!
Forever!
Hurray to us!
That's nice.
Asterix, you wanna add anything?
Then that's it from me.
And so ends this beautiful adventure.
As usual,
the whole tribe celebrates 'til dawn.
The whole tribe?
Well, no.
Hmm, our garden veg fricassee
was delicious, Piggywiggy.
Mmm. Thank you, Pidiped.
You sure you don't wanna go to Lutetia?
We can decide in the morning.
-Mmm.
-Let's have a night in, shall we?
Well, okay.
So then, Netflix, where did we get to?
Previously…
No, skip the recap.
Tudum!
ASTERIX & OBELIX:
THE BIG FIGH
MISSION VEGGIE PATCH
Mmm!
It'd be a shop
where I can sell and trade wild boar.
So you'd sell menhirs and wild boar?
Maybe. I don't know yet.
Ow! Ouch!
Oh! Ugh.
The Big Fight will begin soon.