Bait (2026) s01e05 Episode Script

I'm not afraid to die today ♪
I could've chose somebody else to love ♪
Give me the gun ♪
I'll take the blame ♪
And cover up
Your darker shade of blood ♪
I'll feel the rain ♪
And turn the pain into coal ♪
Hello?
Mummy? Baba?
Q?
Fuck!
Why not? I'm his partner.
You can tell me if he's here or not.
You can't keep him.
You can't keep him unless you charge him.
Have you charged him?
Listen,
like I said to you before--
I need to know if he's here.
I've been sat there for over an hour now.
Listen,
someone is going to come
and talk to you in a minute.
So you need to go take a seat--
Okay. I'll give you ten minutes
and then I'm taking your name and number.
Hi. I'd like to--
Yeah, I'd like to report a missing family.
Whole family's gone missing, have they?
Yes. I think they've been kidnapped
by terrorists.
But domestic ones.
The white ones.
- Q-U-R-R
- Q-U-R
Erm, A-T.
Hyphen. U-L. Hyphen. A-I-N.
- Two hyphens, okay.
- Yeah. That's what she goes by, Q.
Okay,
I wanna go back to the, erm,
- the "bust-up"
- Mmm-hmm.
that you said you had with your family.
Well, that's not really that relevant.
What, erm, 'cause what I'm saying is,
if you just hack into this,
this was set up in the living room,
so whatever has taken place
will definitely have been
recorded on this.
- Yeah, so
- So if we can just get into that--
So that's a very different
kind of investigation.
- It's a much longer process.
- Yeah, cybercrime, really.
And this falls under missing persons.
So, all we're trying to do
is just help you find--
Why didn't you report the pig's head
when you first got it?
Sorry, Rog,
just that detail stuck with me,
- d'you know what I mean?
- Yeah, yeah, of course.
That was That's different.
I'm reporting this crime now--
Alleged crime.
I'm sorry, maybe I'm being
a bit paranoid here.
Am I like a suspect
or something like that in this case?
Easy now. You know, no one said
anything about a suspect.
We just need to ask questions, sir,
in order to conduct
a proper investigation.
So that's why I'm asking,
why didn't you report the pig's head?
I thought I could handle it myself
with my private security consultant.
You got a security consultant?
'Cause I'm an actor and I'm in the news.
Sorry, you're in the-- You're in the news?
Yeah. I might be the next James Bond.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
So you're saying that you're actually,
like, a famous actor?
I didn't say famous, no. I just said--
Well, actually, yes.
My Bond callback
is later on this afternoon.
But I can't be there if I'm here
and I'm here because my--
Right, so I'm just making sure.
We've got private security detail,
auditioning to be the next
- James Bond.
- James Bond.
- James Bond.
- 007.
And got sent the severed pig's head
by racist trolls.
I did. Because they don't want me to be
the next James Bond.
Right, which is why these people
have also abducted your family?
That's my current working theory, yeah.
You sound
completely fucking mental.
Okay, mate.
Erm, give us a few minutes,
and we'll be right back.
All right.
You've got to be kidding me!
What in the shitting hell
are you doing, man?
If you keep your mouth shut,
then maybe I can focus.
Focus on this,
you sentient ballbag.
You should be at home
preparing for the audition.
- Shut up!
- Ouch!
And you most certainly should not be here.
You're not the hero of this story.
To them, you're the villain.
- Trust me.
- They're gonna google me.
And when they do,
they're gonna see all the Bond chat
and they're gonna see
that I'm telling the truth.
And then
they can tell the papers
how you showed up here
with a severed pig's head.
Think, you turgid gimp.
Think!
Fuck!
- Sorry!
- Watch where you're going!
Be cool, man.
Police are gonna be watching.
No, they're not.
I'm just looking for my family.
- That's not a crime, is it?
- Hey! Calm the fuck down.
- I saved you back there.
- All right. Okay, I'm sorry.
- And thank you.
- That's more like it.
All you've got to do is walk normally.
Very weird walk, man.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Be normal.
- None of this is normal!
Ouch!
Oh, whoopsie-daisy.
Gently, cock fingers.
Okay, lock the doors.
Close the curtains.
Let's run lines.
Audition's in eight hours.
Wait! Wait, where are you going?
I need to find the right USB.
The only camera
that matters is at the screen test.
Shah, time's running out!
Say the words with me!
Do you want to know
what it's like doing the dirty work?
Fighting everyone and being no one.
I don't live with myself.
- I live--
- Come on, come on!
Hello?
I'm giving you gold here.
Fucking yes! That's right, motherfucker.
Urgh!
This is all a distraction.
Classic self-sabotage.
Oh, shit. Come on.
Fuck.
You're not afraid
for your family.
You're afraid of success.
Even if they have been kidnapped,
you're no superhero spy.
Becoming one should be our focus.
Why don't you try helping for a change?
I am helping!
The only version of you that has any value
to your family or anyone else is Bond.
Shut the fuck up!
Oh, God,
Zulfi's as basic as they come.
- Try his birthday, obviously.
- Oh!
Oh, fuck!
You don't even know his birthday?
Some brother you are.
Okay, are we done now?
Can we get back to work?
The security consultant?
Oh, yeah
If you were this obsessive
about your craft, you'd have a career.
This is a security message.
If you see something
that doesn't look right,
speak to staff
or text British Transport Police on 61016.
This is a waste of time.
- Oh, shit!
- What?
Er, we've got a problem.
We've got dogs.
Oh, dear.
I'm dry-aged, you realise.
Turn around now.
I can't turn around.
They've spotted us. It'll be suspicious.
You're a sweaty brown man
with a blood-stained duffel bag.
You're already fucking suspicious.
Let's just chill out, okay?
Just have some faith.
- I'm an actor, aren't I?
- Oh, God.
Excuse me, sir.
I'm not doing anything.
I'm not even here to catch a train.
Oh, God
No! No! Get back!
- Do you mind if we take a look in the bag?
- Sorry?
Down, boy!
- What's in the bag, sir?
- Stop, you fucker!
- Sir?
- That won't be necessary.
Yep.
- If you say so.
- Good man.
Have a good day.
How'd you do that?
Well, I've still got a few tricks
up my sleeve
when it comes to law enforcement.
Must be nice to be tall and white, huh?
The membership has its privileges.
Shall we?
- It's a complete fucking mess.
- Mm.
- I tried to go to the police.
- Well, there's your first mistake there.
Come on, man.
We're gonna find your family, all right?
- Okay. Okay.
- Yeah?
Yeah, it feels good to hear you say that.
'Cause nobody believes me.
I like him.
He makes me feel safe.
Gonna put a call out on something
called the Kilner System, all right?
Now, luckily,
Wembley is CCTV'd to the hilt.
So if your family have been
on any street actually in London
in the last eight hours,
I will be able to track
their exact location down to the inch.
And as soon as I get a ping,
you'll be the first to know, all right?
- Really?
- Yeah, man. All good.
That's fucking amazing. Thank you.
I didn't realise your, erm,
your company had that kind of reach.
My company has the biggest reach there is.
All right? Don't worry-- Look, listen.
Here's the thing, right?
Your family, that's today's problem, yeah?
What about tomorrow's problem?
Now, do you want to be reactive,
or do you want to be proactive?
- I wanna be proactive.
- Of course you fucking do.
You are on the precipice
of something massive,
and all that backlash
that you've been experiencing recently,
it will only get worse.
Trust me, I know.
I've fucked the audition,
and my prospects have
gone down the toilet, so
Listen, I wouldn't be here
talking to you now if that was the case.
Would I?
So you've got your recall later, correct?
- Yeah.
- Yeah
So you're gonna go in there,
you're gonna do your audition,
and when you do,
those "decision makers"
will be primed in your favour.
- What, I'm--
- Do you understand?
Well, how, how
How are you gonna do that?
Are you MI5?
It's okay.
Holy fuck. Okay.
It's not a big deal.
It's not a big deal. Okay, listen to me.
I'm the only call
you'll ever need to make.
We've got your back.
What?
- There's a catch, isn't there?
- No
I mean, look, every relationship's
a two-way street, isn't it? So
Basically, what we're trying to do is,
we just wanna build bridges
er, to your community.
And in order to do that,
we rely on individuals, such as yourself,
just to help us with, erm, messaging.
You know, as a prominent Muslim,
and soon to be more so,
your voice,
it carries a lot of weight, Shah.
So let's use it. Yeah?
Right.
Shah, let's sidebar. Now!
Just remember we're the good guys. Yeah?
Don't forget that.
Shah!
Obviously. I just need the toilet.
I'm gonna be right back.
- All right, mate, yeah.
- Don't go anywhere. Thank you.
I'll be here.
So? I mean, that sounds shady as shit. No?
Shah, I was wrong.
Going to Nigel was a masterstroke,
albeit an accidental one.
What are you talking about?
He wants me to be a snitch!
Snitch? He's not asking you
to honey trap an ayatollah, is he?
He's offering you the role of a lifetime
in exchange for some light PR work.
- I'm not a sell-out fed, sorry.
- Sell-out?
Well, pardon me, Nelson pissing Mandela.
You want to star in a franchise
that brazenly sells watches,
cars and the British Secret Service.
This is the only way
you will land this role.
I guess I just always thought
I was someone who represents
us to them.
You know, not fucking them to us.
You're not representing
them or us.
This is about you, Shah,
and who you want to be.
And put simply, do you want to be
talking to a pig's head in a toilet,
panicking about your career
and your family,
or do you want to be the hero
of this story? The ultimate shitting hero.
Because that, my friend,
is what is on the table.
Shah?
Shah, what the hell are you doing, man?
Hello?
I'm improvising.
Oh, God. Actors!
Fuck off.
Fuck.
Move!
Watch out!
Okay, okay.
What in Satan's gusset did you just do?
We were this close.
Answer me!
- Hello?
- Oh, God, more improv.
No one's watching,
you malodorous piss-flap.
What's your problem, man?
My problem is that I care about you, Shah.
I want to make you better.
No, 'cause you say
that you're trying to help me,
but all you do is shit on me!
It's tough love,
and it's the only voice you understand.
If I humiliate you, it's to save you
from the bigger humiliation
of remaining as you are!
You wanna chill out.
I'm in control now.
And I know where we're going.
No, no, no!
Please don't fake hang up on me.
You need me.
Fine,
I'm willing to try things your way.
But if we want to be Bond,
why are we at Taliban HQ?
These savage little Ewoks
only hold us back.
Don't leave me out here!
Excuse me. Sorry.
Excuse me? Assalamu-Alaikum.
Uncle? Can I have a word, please?
Why are you calling me uncle?
We're the same age.
Are we? I mean, I'm sorry.
I'm actually here to look for someone.
Someone who's gone missing. My brother.
Zulfi? I think you know him.
He's the big guy who does the cabs.
Have you, have you seen him?
Salaams, we're just about
to start prayer.
Come and join us,
and then afterwards, we can talk.
Okay.
It's just a bit of an emergency.
Excuse me. Assalamu-Alaikum, everyone.
My family has gone missing.
Erm, my parents,
Parvez Latif and my mother, Tahira Latif.
My siblings Zulfi and Q-urrat-ul-ain?
I think some of you know them.
I was just wondering if, er
if you might have heard anything.
I was just hoping someone
might be able to help.
Pig!
Pig's head! Pig! Pig's head!
Someone's left a pig's head
at the front gate.
You're probably
best to leave that alone. It's
Well, it's
He's with me.
It's It's mine!
It's mine.
Get out of here! Move!
Go the other way!
Quick, down here!
Oi!
Get him!
Get the Paki!
Shit!
Look what you've done, Shah.
You owe me an apology, mate!
Under 90 seconds for the algorithm, yeah?
I told you,
your failures would catch up to you.
- IDF bastard!
- Who recruited you? Mossad?
- IDF!
- 100% Mossad.
I told you.
He's not Dev Patel.
He's much too short.
You can't handle them alone.
I told you that you need to be
Him.
Yes.
Yes, the strong must replace the weak.
Your turn now, Shah.
This is the only way.
Can't you see? Surrender!
Surrender!
Oh, my God, are you okay?
No No
No No
How bad is it?
No, no, no. It's not bad. It's not bad.
- It's not too bad.
- I feel like it's pretty bad.
It feels like I'm missing an eye.
Am I missing an eye?
You're gonna be okay, all right?
You're gonna be okay.
Oh, it's cold.
It's so cold.
I don't want to die.
Stay! I can't do this without you.
I know. You really can't.
That other guy, though,
the one chasing you, he had potential.
Why? Why did you resist?
You tell me.
You're the only one who gets it.
You're the only one who gets me.
That's why I need you.
But I don't even know
who you were.
I was who you needed me to be,
hidden inside the voice
of Patrick Stewart.
Which is weird.
You might want to unpack that.
No, no, no. Don't go.
No-- We're a team, okay?
Good luck without me.
Dickhead.
Hey
Hey.
Hey!
And that's just the price of it all ♪
That's just the price of it all ♪
It's written on these walls ♪
Through the rise and fall ♪
I know I can't pretend
That this will never end ♪
If in the end we die
Then our loss ♪
Well, that's just the price of it all ♪