Big Mood (2024) s01e05 Episode Script

1
Nothing says you're in your early 30s
like having to worry
about how many dads you've sucked off
at a child's birthday party.
Is everything all right over here?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, congratulations
on being the most boring people
at this boring people convention.
So, that, um
That new, um, reality show,
where the-- the hot girl
has to figure out
which hot old man
is her biological father,
starts tonight if you wanna come around.
I have to work.
Well, come after.
Maggie, I meant what I said.
I need some space.
You know Jonah was my last chance
to save the bar, right?
And you ruined it.
Oh, OK. Cool apology.
I need to answer this.
Where are you going? It's cake time.
I'm trying to hurry this up
so I can get these little freaks
out of my garden.
This is why we enrolled Mercury
in Buddhist meditation training
from day one.
He hasn't screamed once,
not since birth.
- Can I--
- Hurry up.
- Hello?
- Theodora Rushden?
- Uh, speaking.
- This is Amanda,
from the London Pregnancy Advice Centre.
Is now a good time to talk?
Oh, yeah, all good.
I can see here
you're in need of an abortion.
We can actually provide the pills
necessary for this via post,
we just need the date
of your last period?
Cool.
So, what was the date
of your last period?
Uh, right, um,
can I give you an estimate?
- No.
- OK, then I do not know.
Sorry, but, like,
nobody knows that stuff.
Most people use period tracking apps.
And give the government
my period data. No thanks.
Right, well, in that case,
we'll need you to come in
for a scan, first.
- Fine.
- The next available scan in London
- is in a month.
- What?
No, I can't wait a month.
I threw up on the tube this morning
and a bit went in a woman's bag,
I didn't tell her.
Yesterday, I cried when I saw a banana
lying alone on a table.
Prior to that,
I hadn't cried in eight years.
I'm sorry. I could get you into a clinic
in Carlisle next week,
- if you know anyone in Carlisle?
- Is that a country?
Otherwise, you could always go private,
if you can afford that.
They can do the scan and pills
on the same day.
Fine. Well, thanks for nothing, I guess.
- No offence.
- I've heard worse.
Oh, fuck it.
Hi, hi. Um, just wondering
if you have any appointments for today?
Hey, girlie.
You here to exercise your rights?
Uh I'm sorry?
I'm Kaz, I'm a GIRLBORSH consultant.
- You're a doctor?
- No, not at all.
No. My degree's in media.
Hey, girlie.
You here to exercise your rights?
- You said that bit.
- Sorry, it's my first week.
Um I'm here to take you
from preggo to fabbo.
Here at GIRLBORSH,
we celebrate your right to choose.
- Can I get you a virgin mojito?
- No, I'm in a bit of a rush,
- so if we could just--
- Totally, you gotta hustle.
You gotta slay.
You gotta-- gotta work.
So, you're here to have
a medical aborsh.
Medical abortion, yes.
But, um, apparently,
I need the scan thingy, too,
- cos I don't know when my last period was.
- Been there.
I haven't been there.
I'm not-- I don't have them.
Um
Yes, we'll get that scan
done for you, today,
then we'll just, you know,
take it from there.
Do you have a 'borsh buddy with you?
- Uh, sorry?
- Um, we encourage our patients
to bring a bestie and make a day of it.
You could, uh,
grab a cocktail afterwards.
Depending on whether you have
an averse reaction
- to the first pill.
- Can that happen?
Are you interested in our Rad-Pad bundle?
Um, it's ££50 extra,
but you get 20 of our famously comfy
GIRLBORSH pads.
They're especially designed
to soak up all the, um
- stuff.
- Uh, no, just the basic package
for me, I think.
- And no bestie?
- No bestie.
Well, before we go any further,
I will need to take payment,
which comes to £799.
Do you take Klarna?
No.
I don't have £800 in my bank account.
Nobody does, that would be mental.
But I can get the money.
I can get 800 measly pounds.
Maybe I can't save my bar,
but I can get 800,
and I will, yeah?
You just watch me.
Trisha
- Hey, do you have any Bepanthen?
- What?
Or coconut oil or something?
This thing is just super dry.
What the--
- Where's all the cash?
- Uh, we're cashless, Eddie.
Jay set it up the other week.
Seriously, some coconut oil, please.
- I had no idea you were religious, Klent.
- I'm not.
Why have you got prayer hands
tattooed on your neck, then?
- This is the clapping emoji, look!
- OK, I don't have time for this.
There's Vaseline in the lost and found.
Ugh, why does everything cost money?
Why don't we have cheat codes,
like in the Sims?
Ooh, d'you think
this is worth anything?
No, my mother would laugh you out
of her antique dealership.
You know,
prayer isn't just for the religious.
That tattoo artist lied to me.
Sure, mate.
You called. Well, you texted.
Hey, buddy. My little pal,
my sunshine man!
Wow, hi!
We haven't shared a hug
since our GCSE results day.
Not that I'm tracking hugs.
- Thank you for coming down.
- It's fine!
My boss is always like,
"Get a life, Will!"
So, he didn't mind.
So, I have a favour to ask.
Yeah, anything. As long as it doesn't
involve the word, "Jonah."
Uh
The beer fridge,
it's making that buzzing sound, again.
Not again! That rascal.
- What are these?
- Oh, your brother was in earlier.
He was wearing the most
beautifully cut suit.
- Fast forward to the info.
- He had some contract
he wanted you to sign,
he said to call him.
Maybe it was "crawl him?"
I couldn't hear over my cranial massage.
- And the flyers!
- Oh, my God, I'm getting to it.
It was something to do with your mum.
"Join us for the launch of Necks by Clara,
at an independent designer showcase."
- Oh, God. Her weird scarf thing.
- What weird scarf thing?
My mum started a range
of designer skinny scarves.
She makes them out of
wider scarves.
She sent me several
deranged texts about it.
Hm, I wonder who's paying for that.
Hm, probably the usual.
Some old prick with too much
money.
So, you're really gonna sell the bar?
Not necessarily.
Oh, it's the bag for me
Gotta get that money, honey ♪
Oh, it's the bag for me
Gotta hustle on ♪
Oh, it's the bag for me
Gotta get that money, honey ♪
Oh, it's the bag for me ♪
OK, just to thin the herd a bit,
if you're currently
under police investigation
for sexual assault of any kind,
just please, count yourself out.
Time to channel Mummy.
I hate materialism.
I don't even have a smartphone.
- Next.
- I love refugees.
- No.
- I just think women are so brave.
None of us will ever be truly happy
until we've defeated capitalism.
Get the fuck out of here.
Fuck.
You have a rescue dog?
Get outta here.
What has happened to these people?
Finally.
Clive?
No, Clyde.
It's short for Archibald.
And what is it you do, Clyde?
I'm an entrepreneur.
I happen to own a business nearby,
and thought it might be good
for company morale
to bring my employees out
for a couple of Magnums.
OK, and, uh, one more question.
Honestly, I can work with a yes
or a no on this. Are you married?
Not at present.
Eddie, I'm a romantic at heart.
I have gone on the adventure of matrimony
with five beautiful,
but, ultimately, disappointing women.
And now, I'm looking for a sixth.
Uno mas.
I just thought it was deeply unfair
that people blamed me
for being on those flight logs.
I mean, it was a business trip!
I barely even knew Jeffrey.
- Oh, haters gonna hate.
- Exactly!
- Uh, I'd better get back to my employees.
- Oh
Come with me.
Make them feel valued for five minutes,
- then we can go for dinner at my club.
- Yeah! Let's do that.
Yeah!
- Everyone, this is Ellie.
- No, it's Eddie.
Yeah, no, it's fine.
Hi, um, I'm Ellie, nice to m--
You've gotta be fucking kidding me!
I mean, God forbid, for once in my life,
I try the easy way out, right?
God forbid I try to rely on
my perfect face and arse for once.
But no, no, no.
I'll keep doing things the hard way.
As you were.
Good luck with the Epstein stuff.
And I'll see you next week.
See you next week.
You look weird.
Have you been at a new money wedding?
Do I look like I'm in the mood, Klent?
Ew! Eddie, that is so unhygienic!
Do you need a hand?
No, thank you. I can manage.
I'd beg to differ.
What do you want, Maggie?
- Oh, I-- I'm just, um--
- When I said I needed some time apart,
- I meant more than a couple of days.
- Ouch!
Can you go away?
You're always asking me to leave,
and then you're so pissed off
when I'm, like, 40 minutes late.
Pick a thing.
I, um
I thought-- I-- I left my copy
of The Da Vinci Code here,
like, um Ooh, like, six years ago,
and I just, um
I just-- I just really wanted to read it.
Haven't seen it.
Huh.
That's weird.
Well, um
- If it turns up--
- Yep.
I might actually hang myself
with a skinny scarf.
Weenie!
Gosh! I didn't know you were coming.
You didn't reply to any of my messages.
Aren't you tricky?
- Hi, Mum.
- So
what do you think of my creations?
Yeah, they're really
- scarves.
- Thank you, darling.
Look, I have, um, a favour to ask.
- I need to borrow some money.
- Weenie
So horribly forthright.
Jay told me you were selling
your little bar.
- Why on Earth would you need money?
- You know about that?
- Thanks for checking up on me.
- Darling, I've been exceptionally busy.
Listen, do you have much
high-end retail experience?
- Um
- It's just, I need to go with the flow,
talk to the press, that kind of thing,
so if you could just man the stall
we could talk about that favour, later.
Yeah, I'd love to.
But, why are they £100?
Well, they're skinnier than you'll find
with your usual high street
skinny scarves.
OK, forget it.
Nice of you to show up.
I've been at this pathetic craft fair
for an hour already.
I had to pick up my mate,
Leanne, from Streatham.
Mum asked me to bring a celebrity,
so Leanne's gonna pretend
she was on the last series
of Love Island.
- I've also brought the contract with me.
- Can you back off?
I-- I need a minute.
Oh, Christ! Weenie!
You could've declared yourself
or something.
You're always so spooky.
Sorry.
Well, in you go, then, darling.
I can listen to you wee,
I did give birth to you.
Yeah, and, erm,
as compensation
for that regrettable error,
can we talk about me borrowing some money?
How much do you need?
800 quid.
Actually, Mum
I don't wanna sell the bar.
And I know it's a lot,
and we haven't always been close,
we've had our differences,
but I thought maybe you could--
Oh, Weenie.
I hope you're not about to ask
what I think you're about to ask.
I'm a new business owner,
I'm practically destitute.
- You own a townhouse in Primrose Hill.
- Which I inherited
when my parents died, Weenie,
thank you so much for the reminder.
Do you want me to hurl myself
into the street so you can keep your bar?
- Dad's bar, yes.
- Weenie
That place was an albatross
around your father's neck,
and to be quite frank,
led directly to our divorce.
Oh, the bar caused the divorce, did it?
Not your affair with Jamie Theakston?
Alleged affair with Jamie Theakston.
Clara, you owe me!
I owe you what?
I lifetime's worth of giving a shit!
Why are you doing this on my big day?
I don't even know why I asked you.
Just shows how desperate I am.
You can forget about that 800 quid!
You ungrateful little
This is what I think of your scarves.
Oh, my--
I mean, any normal scarf
would be at least twice this thick.
So, I heard there was a major
skinny scarf launch here, today,
and I couldn't miss it.
Because Clara told me I couldn't.
You OK?
Where did she get champagne?
I always knew I was destined
for great things.
I mean, I've already achieved so much.
I don't like to mention it,
but I was signed to Storm,
before Kate Moss was even
a twinkle in their eye,
and some still say
I was the better model.
Oh, and of course,
I was once engaged to Mick Jagger
's manager.
I'll sign if you PayPal me £800,
right now.
But, my real achievement
Make it £900, I'll need a Deliveroo.
has been my gorgeous children,
who are here today.
You know, people are always assuming
Theodora's my sister.
I mean, isn't that funny?
Done. No more bar.
But, I've always been
a real entrepreneur at heart,
something I'm so pleased
to see reflected
in both Theodora and Janus.
You see,
they inherited this funny little bar
from their father,
and Weenie has sweetly
kept it going for a few years.
But, I am so proud to hear
they've sold it to a developer,
who's gonna knock it all down
and turn it into
some gorgeous luxury flats.
Isn't that fabulous?
- What?
- I was gonna tell you--
- Luxury shitting flats?
- Eddie, please.
Not at the Independent Designers Showcase.
It's a fucking craft fair, Clara!
- Jesus, Eddie, come on.
- Get the fuck off me, Jay.
Eddie
- Eddie, come, can we-- No.
- Tear up that contract!
- What do you mean, "No"?
- Come on, Eddie.
What have you done to keep that bar?
Applied for a business loan?
A mortgage?
Face it, you want it sold
as much as I do.
- Bullshit!
- It was never your dream, it was Dad's!
You were gonna be a fancy lawyer
who lived in a mansion in California.
That wasn't real,
I was just obsessed with The OC.
OK, but the point is,
your world was so big,
and then Dad died, and it shrunk.
Oh, but you've processed Dad's death
really well.
How's the apocalypse bunker going?
Got enough baked beans in there, yet?
Fine, I'll say it if you say it.
I'm a bit fucked up.
Now, you go.
No?
You know, you have the worst case
of martyr syndrome that I have ever seen.
When are you gonna start living for you?
- You're being really dramatic.
- Am I?
- And what about Maggie?
- What about Maggie?
Well, she needs you.
She'd fall apart without you,
and that makes you feel good.
It's called friendship, Jay.
I'm sorry if you don't recognise it
because we don't
wank onto biscuits together,
but Maggie has always,
always been there for me.
Unlike some prematurely balding
dickheads that I know.
All right, tell me, Eddie.
What happens when you no longer
have anyone or anything to look after?
What happens then?
Fuck you, and fuck your dirty money!
What are you ripping up?
I sent it on PayPal.
Eat shit, Janus!
Oh, sick, you're here.
Hey can I go home?
It's bad for my ADHD
to be under-stimulated like this.
- You don't have ADHD.
- Uh, I do.
A guy on TikTok said so.
Just go, yeah?
Hi, sorry. We're having to close early
and immediately,
because the mayor just died.
There's a crack in the sky ♪
But because heaven opened up ♪
Peer inside of your mind's eye ♪
Wondering who called the ambulance ♪
Drowning face up
and drifting in a shallow pool ♪
Closed.
She made me buy these.
£290.
Got a £10 family and friend
discount, so
Come in.
You really need to cut Clara out.
Cutting my dad out
was my best ever decision.
Yeah, I'd love to, but she'd probably
do something like sue me
for emotional neglect.
- I hate saying sorry.
- I know.
But I am. I directed all my anger
at Jay and Jonah
and the bog of poo I'm in
at you, and I
I shouldn't have.
It's OK.
- This week, I've been feeling really--
- I know.
Lonely, abandoned, you miss me.
I'm-- I'm a fucking dick, and I
I missed you.
Oh
I lost the bar.
I know. I'm sorry.
And I'm fucking pregnant.
- What? Why?
- Not on purpose.
I need £799 for a quick abortion.
- Can you lend it to me?
- Yeah, of course. Obviously.
I need you to come with me,
cos it's weird,
it's pink in there,
I can't face it on my own.
I need you to help me get rid
of the stuff in here,
pack up my flat,
find somewhere new to live.
I need help, Maggie.
I need you to help me.
Is that OK?
Can you do that for me?
You're fucked, mate.
Of course I can.
I'm in a really good place.