Camping (2016) s01e05 Episode Script

This programme contains very strong
language and adult humour from the
outset.
Birthday boy coming
through your flaps. ♪
Happy birthday to me, and breakfast
in bed for my princess.
Oh, no,
I think Happy birthday, dada.
Gosh, careful.
-Never mind, no harm done.
-Oh dear.
Birthday kiss?
Robin, I hope you're not
pressing for intercourse.
Sorry, you're crushing my hip, do
--you mind?
-Sorry.
-I want to get a bit
more sleep.
Come on, let's give mummy a lie-in.
Uh, uh. Momorning.
-Morning.
-Lovely
-..day for it.
-Yes, yes.
-Isn't it, yes. Ha ha ha.
-Ha.
Thethethese. They're not mine.
No, of course not.
They're Mummy's. Poor Mummy.
-It's not good actually.
-Oh dear.
Oh dear. Well, we hope to meet her
before too long. Come along Archie.
Bye.
CAR RADIO PLAYS
TOILET FLUSHES
-Oh.
-Hi Um
Sorry to bother you.
-It's about the hog roast.
-Hmmm.
It'sall ready to go then.
Mother got terrible
diarrdiredar
-Ddiarrhoea.
-Oh.
So, I didn't think you'd want
mehandling the meat.
Maybe youwouldn't mind
-..popo Po?
-Po-popping over.
Can I just quickly getdressed?
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
Whoa, what the fuck! What the
fuck are you doing?
Playing. What the
fuck are you doing?
Oh just, erm, you knowshaking it
up.
-It's good, is it?
-Mmm.
Fucking tease.
You fucking beer tease.
Go on, give me one. Go on.
IGo on, give me one. What, are
--you scared?
-No.
-Oh yeah your are.
-Of course I'm not.
-You're fucking
scared, you're fucking bricking it.
-I just can't be the person.
-What
person?The bad
..what, person that sets somebody
free? I don't have a problem.
I just want a beer.
Come on, give me one.
Why don't you help yourself then?
HE SIGHS
I think it'll taste better
coming from you.
Oh, fuck me. Oh, fuck me,
that is You hate it?
That is good.
Oops.
Oh, ermthe erm
-..he should be very nice.
-Hmm.
They're very
-..juicy, these pigs.
-Hmm.
R-r-r-r-r
-right.
-Super.
Right, ah. Yes. Good.
I must press on actually.
Oh yes, oh yes.
-The, the, the, the party.
-Yes.
What, what, what,
what time's kick-off?
Er, well, it's six o'clock.
Six o'clyes, I, well, I, hmm I
think I might be
a little late. Mummy Oh no, no,
no, no.
No, no, it's a
family It's a family party.
Mummy has her boiled eggs at six
-o'clock.
-Right, yes.
Erm, I need,
I need to press on really,
because I've got a lot to do, so.
-Have you skewered a pig before?
-No.
-You did very well.
-Thank you.
Better get this Hmmthis.
Thisthis
-..this blood off.
-Hmm, hmm.
I think I'll run a bath.
-Good.
-With, erm With, erm
Withsmellies.
--Hmm.Smellies?
-Mm-mm.
-Smellies. I
think I'll run a bath with smellies.
Good.
Isorry, I'm going to have to
press on. Can I just bob past you?
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Right.
ACCORDION MUSIC
Right, OK, everyone,
it's celebration time.
CHEERING
Yes, alright.
It's Robin's 50th birthday, erm.
There's proper champagne
Oohfor myself and for Robin.
And then for everyone else there's
Cava. So, do tuck in.
We'rewe're happy with our Shloer,
-aren't we?
-Yes.
What, what are you wearing?
The Bo-Peep outfit.
You were going to be the shepherd.
I told you I didn't want to do it.
Oh, that's a shame.
-Let's have a speech.
-Oh, erm.
I suppose, reaching
I think actually
we should take a moment for Anne.
Yeah, absolutely.
She's not dead, is she?
Not quite.
SOMEONE CRIES QUIETLY
And of course we're, you know,
we're very sad that Tom had to leave
us.
But, you know he's, he's where he
should be. You know, with his wife.
So
Right, so, as you know I was going
to do the egg and tomato duet with
Tom.
But he's with his wife,
where he should be, so Robin is
insistent that, as it's his
birthday, he replace Tom as tomato.
OK?
I'm an egg.
And I'm a tomato.
When we're
together my uvula vibratos.
Fried or scrambled,
# Tossed we ramble
About each other's
mouths like lambs taking a gambol. ♪
Shall we be naughty
and have some cake?
Mummy doesn't let me have cake.
Oh, come on, I'm sure she'll let you
have a bit of daddy's cake on his
birthday. There you go.
Hmm? Fun to be naughty, isn't it?
Can I be naughty?
Sure.
You. You little
Let's get
together for the tum-dance.
Let's get
together for the tum-dance. ♪
APPLAUSE
--Kerry, cake.
-Oh, yes.
-Now.
Quickly.
Where did Archie go?
-Oh. Oh.
-Oh my god.
LAUGHING
Is that Robin's birthday cake for
the party?
Yeah,
it's great having fun, mate.
For he's a jolly good fellow. ♪
-Alright?
-Something smells good.
Whaton earth has happened?
Fi, I am so sorry. Sorry.
What have you done? What have you
done to the cake? I don't
understand, why would you do that to
a cake?
It wasn't me.
Well, it's never you, is it?
It's never your fault, nothing's
ever your fault. I can't believe
you've sabotaged Robin's, poor
Robin's Oh..birthday like
this.
SHE TUTS
Oh Kerry, please don't be upset.
I'm not bothered Fi.
--Hey man.
-Tom.
-Hey.
What, you came back?
How you doing?
I couldn't miss your birthday.
SHE POURS A DRINK
SHE SIGHS
Never Gonna Give You Up
by Rick Astley
We're no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do I
A full commitment's what I'm
thinking of
You wouldn't get
this from any other guy
I just wanna tell you how
I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand
Never gonna give
you up, never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around
and desert you
Never gonna make you cry,
never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie
and hurt you. ♪
And did she respond to you at all?
Aaaahno.
But, you know, the doctors are
really, they're really jazzed
about her progress.
Excellent.
So, you know, I couldn't be happier.
Great. And do you think
she knew you were there?
I knew she was there,
and somehow that was enough.
-Plus, you know, she's tall.
-Mm-hmm?
And they, I mean they just
said that the coma might just
kind of work its way down to her
midriff and her legs.
-Right.
-She's a big girl,
she'll sweat it out.
-You seen Fay anywhere?
-I haven't,
you know. No, not for a while.
-OK, she's probably in the tent.
-OK.
I'll check the tent.
-See you later.
-The night is young.
Oh wow, I can't believe you saw her
eyelashes move. That's great, guys.
-I'm really pumped about that.
-Yeah,
but, it might have just been the
wind.
It could have been the wind.
How's your holiday?
It's kind of terrible.
Erm I'm here all on my own
and I actually tried to get
back to London
but the train broke down and then,
I don't know if it was on the news,
but the trains have broken down,
all the trains are broken down.
Oh. Mum Mum said you were
seeing someone else.
I think that's why she did it.
No. No, no, not at all.
Who's that?
Where?
Behind you.
What, the tent flaps?
You talking about the tent flaps?
They're tent flaps.
No, dad, that woman behind you.
I don't know.
I do not know.
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
-Whoa-ho, here he is.
-Hey.
-Alright, mate?
-How you doing?
It's Bobby, with Adam,
and Fay. What they doing?
Let's have a beer.
Hey baby, how you doing? ♪
-Mate, have a beer.
-Not now, thanks,
man.
No, they're really
-good.
-Hey baby, how you doing?
Hello, chaps. Hello, chap-esses.
Hey, Robin.
--Hey.
-Hello.
-Are you alright?
Yeah, how are you?
I'm very well, thank you, very well.
I think I've got a few too
many of these.
Feeling like I've got a bit
-of a corker of a head on.
-Oh, man.
Mixed the grain and the grape,
I think, which you shouldn't do.
-Well, here's a little present.
-Oh.
Get your tanks off my lawn, OK.
Tom Fuhrer.
And, I've got you that.
Oh, why thank you. What is it?
-It's a headache tablet.
-Oh, Fay.
-Isn't she amazing?
-She is, she's
like Boots.
Is everything good in the 'hood,
babe?
I'll let you two lovebirds get
reacquainted, and I'll go and find
Fiona.
-Bye.
-See you later, man.
Wind yer body.
You OK, babe?
Are you kidding?
Sorry, I'm, erm
I'm looking for Fay. Erm, she
Oh really, because I thought you
didn't know her, so
What you talking about?
SHE SIGHS
In the tent.
You were Skypeing your children.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on. No, no,
no, you weren't there, alright.
-Oh my god.
-What?
I was Skypeing my kids and that
That was you.
No, honestly,
I don't I sensed a presence,
like a shadow of a cloud or
Like a bird or a crow. I thought
it was I thought it was a crow.
You thought I was a crow?
I thyeah.
I, honestly If I'd known it was
you, baby, why on earth Oh,
that's
..why wouldn't have I introduced you
to my beautiful children?
Because you don't want to.I
No one wants to more than me, OK?
So you had the chance
but you chose not to?
I didn't know you were there.
Children You say you wanted to
get engaged and then you don't
fucking follow it through.
I want to get engaged to you
so hard, baby.
--Baby.
-So we're getting married?
-Tch.
Are we getting married?
I just want us to have this
honeymoon period together, you know.
I just want to like, I just want to,
I just want to like fuck
and think about it.
Cooee. There you are.
You look so wonderful.
SHE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
You do, like a big ginger princess.
Are you happy, Robin?
Are you having a happy birthday?
I'm having a birthday.
HE CHUCKLES
You, you're so wonderful.
-You, you should be happy.
-Aww,
bless you, Kerry. And so are you.
-No.
-Yeah, yes, yes you are.
I'm here to tell you that you are.
And that's official.
Sorry, Robin, I was a bit drunk.
Good.
Hog.
--Hi, Fi.
-Oh.
-May I join you?
So you just couldn't bear to
miss the party.
Oh well, no, no,
I spoke to the kids and we all felt
that Anne would want me
to finish up here, really.
Right, so you didn't go and see her?
I
Look, Fi,
--I'm a nice guy.
-Yeah.
-You know,
I'm a I'm a good guy.
And Fay loves me,
and I'm having such a good time,
I'm having such a laugh.
And, Anne used to say I didn't
have a sense of humour. Well, hello?
Fay laughs at virtually every
single thing I say.
Well of course she does, she's
-retarded.
-She is not retarded, she
is a hip young gunslinger.
And, I'm sorry, Fi,
no one's ever said
this to you before I don't think,
and it's about time someone did.
You You are so uptight.
You know?
No wonder you can't have sex, you're
probably all closed up down there.
I'm not closed up down there!
I mean, poor Robin. It's not you I'm
thinking of, poor Robin.
II'm menopausal.
Well that's I know
plenty of menopausal gals who have
perfectly healthy sex lives.
Bully for those menopausal gals,
Tom. I mean, I have inflammation, I
have dryness,
and it's extremely
difficult for me to get anything in
there at all.
You're just not trying, Fi.
And meanwhile your, your husband's
running around like a castrated elf.
Well, I don't want to have sex with
Robin. I, you know, he
I don't want to have sex with him.
Well, I don't think you want to have
-sex with anyone, actually.
-Yes I do.
Who? Who?
Who do you want to have sex with?
Well, there was a time
when I found you attractive, Tom.
You are
not an unattractive woman, Fi.
Well you're, so you're saying I'm
not unattractive. Are you saying
that I'm attractive, is that what
you're saying? You know, my mother
said that Fred West was not an
unattractive man. I mean, is he
attractive?
You are more attractive
than Fred West.
What are we doing in here?
What do you think we're doing in
-here?
-Having a shower.
This will sort you out.
No, this is good actually, because
I don't have a problem with drugs.
Oh my god. You're a box of tricks,
aren't you? I fucking love you,
you're brilliant.
Hello?
Adam.
Adam.
Is that your girlfriend?
-Maybe.
-Do you love her?
Shut up.
So mental, isn't it?
Got a whole field to do this in,
just do it in the fucking toilets.
OK.
It's good, it's really good that
you're doing this actually, Kerry.
Because I think, you know, old
people just think that they
can't have fun anymore.
Right.
You know. Yeah, you're old. But,
you know, try and have a good time.
Yeah.
SHE SNIFFS
Well, this is sexy isn't it?
It happens.
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
How are you feeling?
Mm, I feel very good.
That's just moving out of the
euphoria to something more glow.
-Oi, what's up chucks?
-Hey.
Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy
How you doing? Are you OK?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Mate, what is it?
I'm trying to work out, what is it
with your fucking girlfriend?
What can I tell you?
Lucky guy, I guess.
Anne was lovely,
-wasn't she?
-She's great.
I mean, IS lovely.
-Yeah, I mean, she's not dead.
-No.
She had a nice body.
She had a greattorso.
No, she had a cracking trunk.
She was 6'4" of fun.
You know, now there's this one
this hot little bitch who's been
-plying me with drugs.
-Alright, mate.
THEY LAUGH
She has, she's been fucking
plying me with drugs,
she's a fucking little stir.
Stir it up. Stir it up. ♪
You know, she's
coming in here like a fucking
fucking dirty little tornado.
OK, Adam.
Adam, listen,
this is my girlfriend, mate.
And I know Fay is a lot of fun,
but that doesn't mean we can all
hop on the pussy ship here.
I haven't hopped on any pussy ship,
I promise you, Tom.
I don't think you have, Adam,
have you hopped on a pussy ship?
Woo-woo, all aboard.
The HMS Hot Dirty Pussy
OK, that's enough.
Let's draw a line under this.
Come on, mate, I'm with Kerry, I've
got to fantasise about someone.
Oh, here he is, the crown prince.
Alright, Dave.
Your fancy lady arrived yet?
No.
Are you going to get yourself
some eh, some muff?
Why are you drinking?
Why am I drinking?
Why are you drunk?
Because it's time for your fucking
dad to have some fucking
fun for once in his life.
Fucking drinking.
I'm off my fucking tits.
That's why I'm fucking drinking,
because I need some fucking
fun in my life.
You probably should stop.
You should fucking know that more
than anybody, you little cunt.
I fucking hate you.
You fucking We really should get
-you a cup of coffee.
-Fuck off.
Adam, you're looking a bit
-cross-eyed.
-Yeah, so are you, mate.
You always have done.
Come on, let's not get nasty.
You're such a fucking
You're such a fucking sad prick.
-Oh, please.
-I'm not a sad prick.
-I'm not a sad prick, mate.
-What
happened to your, how the fucking
hell did you get your hair back,
baldy? You with your fringe.
I've had excellent
comments about my fringe, mate.
-Baldy.
-Bald men are some of the most
sexually active members of society.
I've got Sean Connery! ..tons
-of spunk, mate.
-Did you take it?
I've got tons of fucking spunk,
-right.
-Let's not get nasty.
Did you take it off you arse
-and put it on your head?
-No.
-I didn't, a surgeon did.
-Fuck you.
So, piss off.
And do you know who's sad? You know
-who's sad, your son.
-Yeah, yeah.
Your son is wanking himself to death
because his cock's the only friend
he's got.
In fact his cock's a better father
-to him that you are.
-No more.
You sound like his fucking mother,
fucking off and leaving me with him.
She drowned to death.
Yeah, it's like, watch where you're
fucking going you stupid cow.
Fucking, leaving me with a fucking
kid, fucked up my life.
And now I end up with Kerry.
No one's fucking sorry for me,
are they?
You're the fucking cunt, mate.
-She's gone.
-What?
Mum's passed away, Fiona.
Oh, my god, I
She's passed away.
-I'm so sorry.
-She's just
Have you?
I'm so sorry, I can't really stop.