Can You Keep a Secret? (2026) s01e05 Episode Script

1
-He's dead?
-He looks it, doesn't he?
Found that in my pocket
at the bowls club last night.
-Who could know about William?
-Well, no-one.
We've been unbelievably careful.
I am your great Uncle Otto
from Bavaria.
-Look!
-It's Pamela Anderson!
-We're screwed.
-Coming clean will mean that we can fully pursue Pam
for the blackmail.
Just one small problem.
You're in this photo.
SCREAMING
Right, then. Change of plan.
-I thought you said we weren't going to pay Pamela.
-We're not.
We're doing a little thing
called the hamburger trick.
But we can't set a trap
without bait.
SIREN WAILS
-Shitting hell, who are you?
-What's this about?
You'll never believe this,
but Pamela Anderson,
she's in cahoots.
-With who?
-Marcus, the funeral director.
Oh!
DOG BARKS
I even did this.
-"We'll be watching."
-That's class!
Sounds like you really
freaked him out.
Aye, he was probably shaking.
He was like a little dog.
He goes, "Please don't arrest me.
I've got eczema."
"I'm scared. I'm scared!"
THEY LAUGH
-Oh, God. I'm an awful person.
-No. No, no, you're not, you're not.
He had it coming. But now it's just
the adrenaline's worn off,
so you're starting to feel anxious.
Eurgh, I don't want to feel that.
That's your thing.
How do I make this stop?
I just play hours and hours
and hours of Football Manager.
I don't want to play
Football Manager.
I hate that game.
It's bloody boring!
It's not boring
if you understand it.
But that's not important right now.
Just take a deep breath for me.
SHE INHALES
Now, what are you feeling?
Guilty.
OK, well, we take that bad
feeling OK?
We're just going to push it down.
Down here, to a little cave.
We're going to close the door.
And then that feeling
can't get to you.
-Is this what you do, is it?
-Yeah.
Harry, you're on antidepressants,
and you can't eat a yoghurt
without retching.
Yeah, I'm not saying I'm
the pinnacle of mental well being.
I'm just I'm just trying to help.
-Well, it hasn't.
-OK.
Where are you going?
I need to play some
Football Manager.
Right, well, that's the last
of my parky pills.
May as well just die now, then.
Take me to Beachy Head
and I'll wobble myself off.
William!
You need to be more resilient.
Resilience doesn't come into it
when your nervous system runs like
a car engine lubricated with turds.
Yes, yes. Poor you.
We will get you some more pills,
so just relax.
-Are you winding me up? -What?
-When I wanted to buy that drone,
you said we weren't spending
the money on fripperies.
This is not a frippery.
This is a state-of-the-art
collagen boosting LED mask.
Oh, it's collagen boosting, is it?
Well, you should have said.
I take it all back, then.
It's science, is it?
Yes. Don't be such a Luddite.
Yeah, well, you look
You look like a sexbot.
Oh, thank you very much.
The face of C3PO
in the body of R2D2.
Ow!
-I'm your sexbot.
-You are, you sexy sexbot.
You are. Nighty-tight. Oh, God.
Oh.
You did remember
to turn the oven off, didn't you?
Yes. I'm not senile yet.
Hmm.
SNIFFING
-What's that smell, then?
-As you well know,
that nice Mr Parkinson has taken
that sense from me.
It's like
SNIFFING
a sort of roast pork.
SNIFFING
Oh, effing Nora!
It's my own face!
Oh! Oh! Ow, ow, ow!
-God, has that left marks?
-Erm
it appears the Debratron 3000
has somewhat malfunctioned.
Oh, God!
So you think someone tried to obtain
your medication fraudulently?
-That's right. Yes.
-Did you recognise them?
-Are you all right?
-Yeah. Sorry. It's just your uniform.
What about it?
Um, I got accidentally arrested
on a trip to York Minster once.
I'd gone because it has
a very nice Gothic nave,
but I was carrying some soup
for my lunch
and they thought I was part of
Just Stop Oil.
Anyway, I got body-slammed
into a communion table,
and now I'm having flashbacks.
I'm sorry to hear that.
-Could it have been a mix-up?
-I don't think so.
There is one other chap round here
with Parkinson's,
but he died.
Did he now?
OK, so this is who tried to steal
Ken's medication.
-Do you recognise him?
-Well, he looks annoying.
Stop going out.
This is really serious.
-I know. I've got Parkinson's.
-No.
I mean, you can't steal
other people's medication.
-That is not OK.
-Yeah. What were you thinking?
Well, it didn't work, did it?
I'm completely out of pills
and I'm desperate. You know,
we tried everything else.
That is a deeply concerning
sentence. What else have you tried?
SHE EXHALES
Your hand has stopped shaking.
Oh.
SHE EXHALES
-It was the other one before.
-Oh.
SHE MUTTERS
They come and go, the tremors.
Could you move your seat back,
please?
Oh.
Just another test?
No. You have a very sibilant way
of speaking, and I'm worried
you're going to expel flecks
of your saliva into my mouth.
Also, you don't have Parkinson's.
I think I do.
-You don't.
-No, I'm sure I do.
You don't.
-Not even a little bit?
-No.
Parkinson's is like pregnancy,
Mrs Fendon.
Either you have it or you don't.
Could I get the pills anyway?
Like a sort of vaccine?
Cos I feel very much
like someone
who's going to get
Parkinson's soon.
And badly. Yeah?
No.
Right.
-I'll smash you.
-What did you say?
Nothing.
We rehearsed that for a week.
I'm popping into town.
Does anybody want anything?
-Yeah. Dad's out of Parky meds.
-Well, I'm getting some ibuprofen.
It's not going to touch the sides.
I'm seizing up like the Tin Man
here.
-Debbie, what happened to your?
-Oh, don't.
It's this bloody thing!
I'm returning it.
Basically, I put my head into
a Breville to as tie-maker last night.
Poor Debbie and her cooked face.
I've got Parkinson's.
Actually, while you're here,
have you got an update on the, um,
the thingy? You know, last night.
Do you mean the massively unethical
fake drugs bust
I orchestrated in order
to protect you
from being blackmailed
by a corrupt funeral director
and Pamela Anderson, cos you took
a quarter of a million pounds
instead of telling anyone,
including your own family,
that your husband wasn't actually
dead, but was alive and well
-and living in the loft?
-Yeah, that.
Well, no, but as long as you two
stop doing stupid things,
I'd be very surprised
if we ever see Marcus again.
-Oh, OK. Well. that's good.
-Just to say - I'm not well.
I've got Parkinson's.
-Yeah, we know.
-Yeah, we know that.
Oh, endlessly on and on about it
HE SIGHS
Oh, my God, it's you!
-H-How did you find me?
-I followed you,
which was easier said than done.
Because you're a brisk thing,
aren't you?
Oh, sorry. Do you mind?
Just budge up a little bit.
That's it. I've not been blessed
with a broad stride pattern.
My son says I bustle about
like a Shetland pony,
but then he's got a very cruel
sense of humour.
So come on, then. What's the story?
-What do you mean?
-Well, why me? I'm just a widow.
Well, I might not be the most
widow-y widow that ever widowed,
but still
How did you find out?
William Fendon.
You kissed that corpse.
Well, we've both done things
we're not proud of.
VEHICLE APPROACHES
I've got to go.
-Where?
-Bristol. I'm doing flu camp.
-What's flu camp?
-You get paid to get flu.
Are you really that desperate
for money?
Look, I got the message last night,
OK?
If I'd have known
how connected you were,
I never would have done this.
How old are you?
Are you sure about flu camp?
Hmm? Come on.
Come on.
-Any luck?
-No.
Dead end.
All right.
I need to get back to work,
-but we'll sort something.
-OK.
Bye, William.
Hello!
Bye-bye. Yes.
Oh
-Oh, dear.
-Don't worry, it's just drool.
Small mercies.
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
William!
Oh, I didn't think you two
would still be here.
Why? Is there a problem?
Not as such, no.
There's nothing
It's just I've invited someone
for lunch.
Oh, for frig's sake.
Why have you done that?
I'll be off to the cupboard, then.
No, it's OK, William.
The guest is aware of our situation.
Hiya.
- WHISPERS:
- Hi.
SHE SCREAMS
Good point. Well made.
Well, you've really gone and done it
this time.
-Could you please offer our guest a drink?
-Are you listening to me?
That man in there
has been blackmailing us.
You want me just to go there
and offer him a sherry?
No, we're out of sherry. Actually,
can you add that to the list?
We've got Shloer and Baileys.
Oh, that's probably gone off.
Just offer him a coffee.
If you think I'm being part
of this Mad Hatter's tea party,
then that sexbot face mask
must have cooked your brain
as well as your cheeks.
So you don't want lunch?
-No, I do not.
-OK. It's Charlie Bigham's.
I will have the lunch,
but I am not making conversation.
I know you're probably not in
the mood to discuss this right now,
but do you think, and I appreciate
this might be a bit annoying
because of what my mum's just done,
but I was thinking,
given that you're the police, and
my dad does need his medication
-Get to the point.
-Can you recommend a good local drug dealer?
Are you joking?
I need to help my dad.
Right. And and do you
want to help me?
Yeah. Of course.
Then stop asking me to break
the law.
You're right. I'm sorry.
I'm not thinking clearly.
I mean,
why would YOU know someone anyway?
Excuse me.
I'm not a total clean shirt.
I do know someone.
But then, after that, I am done,
OK?
And it's only
cos I love your dad.
Even though sometimes I do wonder
whether I married into the Fendons
or the Gambinos.
I promise, this time next year
we'll be legit.
And then it turned out that not only
had Daniel been cheating on me,
but the money I'd been giving him,
which I thought was for
the mortgage,
-he'd been giving to this Renato.
-Oh. That's awful, Marcus.
Isn't it, William?
PEANUT FALLS
Anyway, I'm over it now.
It doesn't sound like it.
But it did make me behave
very badly.
-I can't excuse it.
-No, but But listen.
If a man steals a fish
to feed his family,
teach that man to fish,
and he WILL fish for fish.
Don't worry about it.
She always talks
bloody codswallop.
Here.
Just to help you
get back on your feet.
Y-Y-You're joking?!
Hang on. If he gets that,
then I get my drone.
Oh, have a heart! This lad has been
through the wringer.
Debbie, I can't accept this.
-No, quite right. Give it back.
-Of course you can.
-It is enough, isn't it?
-Unbelievable.
I mean, I don't know what to say.
This isn't a trap, is it?
No. We took that money
to help people, Marcus.
People like you.
And EVEN people like
Pamela Anderson.
Oh.
How do you know her?
Oh, we're old friends.
Or we used to be. Yeah.
You never did tell me
how you two teamed up.
Did you know each other
before the funeral?
Sorry. What on earth
are you talking about?
Pamela.
She delivered your blackmail note
to me at the bowls club.
Oh
No, we caught her on CCTV.
Debbie,
I'm not teasing your tits here.
I've never seen this before
in my life.
Ah
That might explain why
why this came this morning.
This came today?
And you didn't tell me?
I thought we were done,
and, you know, that got stuck
in the post.
I mean, the post round here's more
unreliable than your ex-boyfriend.
But this isn't post.
This is hand-delivered.
What's the difference?
A stamp!
No, post is what comes through
the letterbox!
No, post has a stamp on it.
No, by being posted it becomes post.
No, post has a stamp on it.
Tell him, Marcus.
-I'm afraid I do agree with Deborah.
-Yes.
See? Thank you, Marcus.
-Harold.
-Jesus!
-You're like the Candyman.
-Who's the Candyman?
Was it another one of your cruel
jokes about my sweet tooth?
I don't appreciate your bullying.
-It's not bullying. It's a film.
-I don't care.
Now, listen, we have a problem.
-What? -We have a problem.
-Yes, I know we have a problem.
You invited our blackmailer
for lunch.
It's lucky that I did,
because I found out
that he isn't our blackmailer.
-He's ONE of our blackmailers.
-Wait. What?
There's two blackmailers.
-Oh, my God.
-I know, it's like buses.
You wait for ages
and then two come along at once.
Mum, what are we going to do?
I do have a plan.
Do you?
Well, then, we're fine.
-Oh, thank you.
-Yeah, because so far,
your plans have been meticulously
thought through.
That's more of your sarcasm,
isn't it?
-Yeah, it is.
-Well, you could learn a thing or two from Marcus,
who is a polite young man.
And, BTF
-BTF?
-..you shouldn't be drinking those.
I saw a Panorama about it.
Those will make you anxious.
Yeah, the drinks are the issue.
Right, so levodopa and ropinirole?
-Yeah. Correct.
-OK. I shall see you later, then.
Oh, no. Just hang on a minute.
Not so fast.
-It's just good to
-What are you doing?
-I'm coming with you.
-No. No, you can't be seen.
-Oh, please.
-No, no, no. I'm serious.
These people, they take advantage
of the vulnerable.
I'm a I'm a pensioner.
Never purchased more than
a paracetamol.
Come on, let me live.
Just a little.
Come on, I've got a disguise.
Please? Come on.
Let's go, let's go.
Come on. Please?
There we are.
That's 200 of your finest
English pounds.
HE GROANS
Is it a family business, is it?
-Right. Here you are, then.
-Thank you.
-Hmm.
-Is that the right stuff?
Um, well, Sinemet's my preferred
brand, but these will do.
-Right, then. Thanks.
-Yeah, well, hang on.
-What?
-I need to try before I buy, don't I?
Yeah. No offence, but, you know,
for 200 quid, I want to make sure
I'm getting what you might call
- DEEP VOICE:
- ..the good shit.
Won't take long.
So we have to wait till you come up?
HE COUGHS
I don't so much come up
as come on.
-What?
-Having Parkinson's
is a bit like being one of those
little monkey toys,
you know, with the cymbals,
except one that runs out of battery
a lot throughout the day.
So what I'm going to do is,
I'm just going
to have a little snooze,
and if I power back up again
in about 20 minutes,
then we'll know that they're kosher.
Apologies in advance
for the drooling and the snoring
and, I dare say, the farting.
See you in a bit.
Her granny
was meant to have her today
but she forgot she had tickets
to Blood Brothers
and left me in the lurch.
-Nightmare.
-Honestly,
you think your parents are going to
help when you have a kid, but,
actually, they're a bigger pain
in the arse than the toddlers.
HE GRUNTS
There we are.
Would you care to come in?
No, thanks.
-Oh.
-What?
I just thought your response
was a bit blunt, that's all.
Why? What did you want me to say?
-No, nothing.
-No. No, go on.
No, it's just, um, you know
when I said I'd forgotten my wallet
and I went back to
your friend's car?
Not my friend.
Literally a drug dealer.
Yeah. Anyway, I went back to procure
a bag of these little fizzers.
Edible ganja.
Wouldn't mind a bit of company
when I dabble.
It is meant to be good
for my symptoms.
Hmm?
All right.
Damn! I forgot about Bargain Hunt.
Let's call it off.
No, no, no.
You need to distract them.
Well, Pamela, anyway. It doesn't
matter about Jean. She's blind.
This is quite mental.
There's a fine line between mental
and genius, Harold.
Yeah, that's what mental people say.
Look, I need to gather evidence
so that Neha can arrest Pamela.
Yeah, and then she'll tell everyone
about Dad.
No! That's where my plan
comes into action.
Oh, yeah. The plan.
Not only have we got
your dad's death certificate,
but we also have the funeral
director
who cremated him on the payroll
and ready to swear in a court of law
that that dead body
was indeed your dad.
We are home and clean.
You paid off Marcus?
-Of course. Yeah.
-Neha was right.
What?
We're a crime family.
Oh, don't be silly.
Crime families kill people.
We're just a bit complicated.
Like the Beckhams. Come on.
I feel like my hands are encased
in sort of Polystyrene blocks
and little mice
running across my tummy,
and they're wearing
tiny little football boots.
Right.
It's not a wholly unpleasant
sensation.
So do you think it'd be all right
if I chip off, then?
-I need to get the kids.
-Yeah
-OK.
-Night-night.
-Now, you say that, I do wonder
-What?
Yeah. I thought as much.
HE VOMITS
-What are you waiting for?
-I don't know if I can do it.
-I don't know what to say.
-Of course you can do it.
No, no.
-No, Mum, no. What do I say?
-She's coming.
I think I'm going to have
a panic attack.
Get on with it, you sissy!
-Hello?
-Hello.
If you're looking for your mum,
she's not here, you know.
We do invite her, but she says that
Bargain Hunt is for halfwits.
She's more of a Flog It! gal.
That's by the by, anyway.
I'm actually not here for her. No.
I'm-I'm here because I'm, uh
I'm fundraising.
-Really? For what?
-For, um
Cat.
S.
Cats.
-OK.
-Pamela! They're about to do the auction.
Sorry, I've got to go.
There's a carpeted commode,
and we're worried it won't make
its reserve.
No, you can't go.
-These cats are in trouble, Pam.
-Are they? How?
They're, uh
They're dead.
-You're fundraising for dead cats?
-Sorry. No, they're not dead.
They're, um
They're deaf, so they can't
They will die
if we don't raise money for them.
Why would deaf cats die?
Because they're not just deaf cats,
Pamela.
These are deaf cats with
Parkinson's disease.
And, you know, I don't want them
to suffer like Dad did.
Oh
Oh
Am I going to die?
No, you're just having a whitey.
What's a whitey?
It's when you have a bad trip
and, um, you vomit.
HE VOMITS
HE GROANS AND GURGLES
They can't even clean themselves
because they wobble too much.
Aw
CAT MIAOWS AND HISSES
MIAOWS
It's OK
MIAOWS
So they can't even catch
a little mouse. And they
PHONE RINGS
Sorry.
Would you excuse me a second, but
also not move from where you are?
Thank you.
-Hello.
-You need to pick the kids up.
- WILLIAM GURGLES
- I'm in the middle of something.
-And it's your turn.
-Something's come up with your dad.
We went to get his, you know,
Parkinson's stuff.
I took my eye off him
for literally a minute
and, well, he ate some cannabis
and now he's projectile vomiting
everywhere
and I think I'm going to be sick.
Mum's gonna go potty if
he's done that all over the rug.
I'll leave you to it.
-Yeah. Give me a second here, Pam.
-You get on.
It's been lovely chatting, OK?
I said give me a fucking second,
Pam!
WILLIAM VOMITS
I need to go.
-You need to get the kids.
-OK. Bye-bye. Mwah.
CAT WHINES
Sh-sh-shh-shh!
So there's a bit of an emergency!
SHOUTS: - I'm going
to have to go now. OK?
-OK.
-And just to be clear,
that's me, Harry Gerald Fendon,
leaving your house,
-Pamela Anderson.
-OK!
- SHOUTS:
- Bye, then.
Bye-bye.
Bye!
Bye-bye!
Bye!
Bye!
Bye!
Bye!
Bye!
CAT MIAOWS
Trixie?
DEBBIE SIGHS
CAT MIAOWS
Trixie?
CAT MIAOWS
Trixiebelle, where are you?
CAT MIAOWS
Here, puss-puss!
PAMELA GASPS
THUD
Ah Right.