D-Frag! (2014) s01e05 Episode Script

[JOE] Curse those
Pervy Melonians!
Why do they keep hounding me?
Who chases someone
across the galaxy for a paltry
five thousand porn mags?
Do the bastards have
nothing better to do?
[ROBOT 5A] We're in
deep trouble, boss!
[JOE] So, this is where
my luck runs out, huh?
[JOE]
Huh? Wait a second.
That cargo vessel belongs
to my nemesis, Mr. Kids.
Why is he rescuing me?
If I lose my only rival,
what's the point of
my existence? Ya dig?
Thanks, Mr. Kids.
I owe ya one.
I swear by all the
stars in the Universe,
I'll pay you back someday.
Well, that someday's
today, buddy,
so fork over the porn mags.
What? Right now?
[ROKA whimpers]
[MR. KIDS] Survival of
the fittest, bitch.
[CHITOSE]
Hmph.
In short, this game
allows you to steal
other players' cards, as you
just witnessed first-hand.
You can't send your
opponent all the way back
to the start, but it's a great
way to weaken the competition
and position yourself
for certain victory.
That's so true. It's the best
way to cut down the opposition,
close the gap between
you and first place,
and claim intergalactic
dominance.
Did you get that, Kazama?
Any questions?
[CHITOSE] Yeah, you
following us, champ?
Uh Yeah, I guess.
[STUDENTS] Fight on!
--[TEACHER] Fight on!
--[STUDENTS] Fight on!
Look, are you gonna play
the game with us or not?
Unless I'm mistaken here,
you're the one who wanted
to thank us for saving
you from the Devils!
So in return, we
said you could play
"The Scramble for Porn
Mags in Space Game!"
How dare you snub it?
Sorry to be rude, but this
game is really stupid!
Ow!
[CHITOSE] We worked our butts
off on this concept, you know?
And then you come along
and have the nerve
to say, "I don't
wanna play it!"
Oh! I get it, His Highness
the Foot Fetish King
has better things to do!
Does this get your
rocket runnin', pervert?
Please, there's some really
gross stuff on your shoe!
Why is this club
always so noisy?
Would you guys mind
keeping it down a little bit?
Whoa, wait a sec, what
are you even doing here?
Well, my club doesn't have a
meeting today. So I dropped by
to make sure you're behaving
like a real club does.
Who died and made
you Queen Bee?
Aw, I get it. You must not
have very many friends.
I mean, all of your club-mates
are underclassman losers!
Shut your filthy mouth!
[ROKA]
Now, now.
You can be honest
with us--the real reason
you've come here today
is to join in our game!
I'd rather have a root canal.
Here's the rundown.
No matter what it takes,
you have to convince Takao
that she wants to play with us.
Aw, man, come on!
[KAZAMA]
Wait a second.
If I remember right,
this is a four-person game.
If I drag Takao into this,
we'll be up to five players.
In other words, we'll be
one player over the limit.
Meaning they won't
need me anymore!
Now I'm thinking
on the same level
as that guy from the
Band of Fourteen Devils.
Hey!
Whaddaya want?
I thought ya loved
to play games.
Huh? I like games,
just not stupid ones.
Why not give it a chance?
Who knows?
You might be surprised.
[TAKAO]
I'm not playing that crap.
No need to be so harsh.
Come on, do it for me.
[TAKAO groans]
I saved you from the
Band of Fourteen Devils!
It's me who's owed the favor!
Yeah, I know. And I
really appreciate the help.
But in this case, it's kinda
apples and oranges, you know?
And I pushed myself
so hard back there.
[TAKAO cries]
Fine! Then let's call it two
favors I owe you now, okay?
Help me out and I'll do
anything you say! Please!
He's really getting
desperate, you guys.
[TAKAO] He'll do
anything I say, huh?
Guess there's no
convincing her.
[TAKAO]
Very well. I'm in.
Huh? You mean
Wait, seriously?
[TAKAO]
Mm hmm.
Like for real?
But my favors don't
exactly come cheap.
Fine by me!
Good work, Kazama,
you did it!
Yeah!
This is great! Now all five
of us can play together!
Yeah!
What the hell?
But I thought the stupid
game was four-player?
Yes. Well, uh
Games evolve!
[KAZAMA] The only evolution
is how badly I got screwed.
[KAZAMA]
Psych?
It's too late to go
back on your word,
if that's what you're thinking!
[KAZAMA shudders]
Fine! I'll be a man
and make good on this,
but it's only in an effort
to make you happy!
Wait, you dragged
a girl into it,
and you still
call yourself a man?
[KAZAMA]
Low blow!
Well, it's time to pick which
characters you wanna play.
Look, I don't care,
just give me whatever.
Same goes for me.
Lucky for you, there're
only two cards to pick from.
[GAINDHI] Worldly
things are transient.
[PERVENDER] I'm not a
pervert, I'm just horny.
I call dibs on Gaindhi!
No way, obviously you
should be the pervert guy!
[CHITOSE] The new character
isn't very popular.
[SAKURA] But he's the
only alien in the game.
Seems like people
would be into that.
Hey! How 'bout we throw
my "Joe" card in the mix?
We can play
"Rock, Paper, Scissors"
to decide who gets who.
Yeah, but Roka, you were so
attached to your Joe character.
It's fine, really. More than
anything, I'm just glad to be
sharing the game I made with
the people I care about most.
--[CHITOSE] Roka!
--[SAKURA] So sweet!
[KAZAMA] If she's so sweet,
why not just give me the card?
[KAZAMA, ROKA & TAKAO]
One, two, three!
I forgot to mention
the rule for this game
is "best two out of three."
[KAZAMA] She's pulling
a bait and switch!
[ROKA] I made a compromise
just by offering this deal,
so I expect you to
play by my rules.
Man. If I end up
with the pervert,
I'm gonna be pissed.
You and me both.
[KAZAMA, ROKA & TAKAO]
One, two, three!
Yay! I won!
Man!
Victory is mine,
and so is Gaindhi!
[KAZAMA] No!
Not my Gaindhi!
Wait a sec, if she snags
the Gaindhi card,
wouldn't that leave me with Joe?
What make you think
you're going to beat me
so easily in the next round?
[KAZAMA] 'Cause all you
ever throw out is "rock."
Joe! You're all mine, buddy!
[KAZAMA, ROKA & TAKAO]
One, two, three!
[KAZAMA] What the
hell does that mean?
According to the rules
I created, it means "time out."
The "thumbs up" allows me to
freeze the game for two minutes.
How is a "time out"
gonna help you?
[CHITOSE] Heh. You really
don't get it, do you?
Calling a "time out"
at this point
is the worst possible
thing that could happen.
She has two whole minutes
to wear down your spirits
and willpower until you have
nothing left to hold on to.
Is it me, or is this
sounding less and less
like "Rock, Paper, Scissors"?
As of this moment, the fateful
two minutes have already begun.
Intimidation level one.
Browbeating swan!
Oh, please!
Like you can intimidate me
with something that derpy!
[ROKA]
Suck on this!
Hey, you can't just
swan jab me in the face!
[ROKA grunts]
[ROKA]
Take this, Takao!
[TAKAO]
Stop poking my breasts.
[ROKA] Eventually,
you two will grow insecure
and you'll lose all
hope of beating me!
But don't worry, your boobs
won't get smaller!
[KAZAMA]
Cut it out!
[KAZAMA, ROKA & TAKAO]
One, two, three!
[ROKA]
Oh, no!
You've already mastered my
technique for calling time out?
[KAZAMA] I can't
believe she didn't see
the potential for backfire.
I know what comes next.
You're going to torture me
and affect all manner
of terrible things
to chip away at my resolve,
aren't you, Kazama?
[KAZAMA] Okay. Not quite
the reaction I was hoping for.
Time out!
[KAZAMA] What the hell?
You're using it on me?
Tell me your favorite
food now. Go!
[KAZAMA]
A psychological attack, eh?
Do you have a hobby?
When you have free time,
what do you like to do?
What's the point in
askin' me all this stuff?
So, tell me about
your childhood.
What are some of your
fondest memories?
Ugh, who cares?
Stop dodging all my questions
and just come out
with it already!
You wanna know?
Then take back that favor!
[TAKAO] These are questions
you can answer on the house!
[KAZAMA] My personal info
doesn't run cheap!
All right, that is quite enough
back and forth, you two!
We'll never get
anywhere at this rate!
[KAZAMA] Nah, I'd say
it'll get somewhere
in a minute,
when you lose.
[ROKA] Well. I always thought
I would command more respect
as President of the
Game Creation Club.
[TAKAO] Game Creation Club
Provisional, technically.
[ROKA]
Very well.
Guess I have no choice but to
trump you in the next round.
[KAZAMA] Not very likely,
with the way you play.
Here we go! One, two
[KAZAMA, ROKA & TAKAO]
Three!
Come on, Now what is
that supposed to be?
New club rule. It gets
carried over to next time.
[ROKA] Having said that,
it's getting late,
so I propose we wrap
this up and call it a day.
Oh, Chitose, I think it would be
prudent to add another character
before the next meeting.
A non-pervert human.
[CHITOSE]
Okay!
[KAZAMA] Madam
President plays dirty!
[NARRATOR] But by using these
rules in subsequent meetings.
Kazama and the others still
haven't played this game.
[KAZAMA yawns]
[KAZAMA]
Man, I'm starving.
[GUY 5A] Hey, did you hear
the news? Word on the street
is Kazama and his gang beat
the Band of Fourteen Devils.
[OHORI] What?
Are you freakin' serious?
The Band of Fourteen Devils?
Whoa. That's awesome.
[KAZAMA] Well, sounds like our
cool factor went up thanks to
the fight we had with
those rhythm game d-bags.
[GUY 5A] Kazama and
the others are basically
Roka's glorified lackeys;
at least that's what I heard.
You best check yourself before
you wreck yourself, ya punks!
Kazama, I'm really sorry, bro!
Now you listen and
you listen good--
Kazama's his own man.
Kazama, we came all the way here
so you could eat lunch with us!
[KAZAMA] Crap, they're
coming for me!
[GUY 5A] Check it out,
you guys, look who's here!
[OHORI] Our inimitable student
body President, Chitose!
[KAZAMA]
She's "inimitable" now?
[OHORI] And that's the school's
underground boss lady.
Roka Shibasaki!
[GUY 5A]
Look how tiny she is!
[KAZAMA] If she's
so underground,
how come they know about her?
[KAZAMA]
No, not that!
[KAZAMA]
It's working?
She's so powerful.
Wow. She's the real deal!
[KAZAMA] Come on,
it's just her hand!
[ROKA] So.
You ready to eat?
Someone wanna tell me
what you two are doing here?
Roka saw your left
hand and insisted
we come by and check on you.
[KAZAMA]
My left hand?
Yeah. You injured
it in the fight
and I thought that you
might need assistance.
After all, it's hard to use
chopsticks with a broken hand.
Honestly, that's it.
I wanted to offer my help
in case you found it
difficult eating on your own.
Come on!
[TAKAO] Aw, man!
Why didn't I think of that?
[ROKA] It would be my
pleasure to serve you!
[FUKUNISHI]
Wait, what?
Thanks, but I'm fine.
It's healing pretty good.
Besides, it doesn't really
matter, I'm right-handed.
It still seems like a
perfect time to eat.
[KAZAMA] You mean
you're not gonna leave?
Sit down, you're only
fighting the inevitable.
Yeah, she does
make a valid point.
Shut up! Why do I
have to eat my lunch
at my desk next to
you two psychos?
I'm getting outta here.
[ROKA] That's weird.
It doesn't bother you
to bring your own lunch even
though you're a delinquent?
Tch! Why do you care?
[CHITOSE laughs]
[CHITOSE] I know everything
there is to know about that.
[KAZAMA]
Hm?
Truth is, he doesn't make it.
Kazama's little sister packs
all of his lunches for him!
[ROKA]
You gotta be kidding me!
No way. Your sister
makes your lunches?
Sorry, bro, you just lost
all your cool points!
This isn't my fault.
My sister has a thing
about not wasting money on
school lunches, all right?
[ROKA]
Give that here, Kazama!
I have to confirm the
contents for myself!
Hey, at least wash
your hands first!
Good news, there doesn't appear
to be anything weird inside.
It would be kinda
lame if there were
little heart-shaped dishes
or pink chopsticks.
Ya know, all things
considered,
this is actually
somewhat acceptable.
[KAZAMA] You morons love giving
me a hard time, don't you?
Damn. I was hoping that
no one would find out!
Sorry, but the cat's
out of the bag now.
I even found out which first
year class your sister's in!
But I wouldn't worry if I
were you. There's dirt on
nearly everybody in my trusty
little secret notebook here!
How does that help me?!
And besides,
that's not even yours.
That has Ataru's name on it!
Everything
I own is mine,
and everything of his
I feel like taking
and manipulating for
my purposes is mine too!
[KAZAMA] Where have
I heard that before?!
You know, this is
rather delicious.
[KAZAMA]
Damn you!
It's so good.
You think your sister
wants to be my girlfriend?
No way, I want her!
No, me!
You jerks have really
crossed the line this time!
[ROKA] Don't be upset.
I'll share my food with you;
that way everybody wins!
All right, hand it over
already, or I'm not gonna
have time to eat
before my next class.
Wait. Are you saying
that you attend class
even though you're a low-life,
"scum of the earth" delinquent?
Only cause the next one's
Mr. Konekone's course
in Japanese classics.
He's a real cool guy.
A real cool guy?
Well, he's, uh I don't
know how to say it.
I guess you could say
I owe him my life.
[CHITOSE] Weird, that doesn't
show up anywhere in my book.
That's 'cause only the
Kazama Gang knows
what happened firsthand.
But, if you really wanna know,
I might be willing to
give you the full scoop.
Yes, please!
[STUDENTS] Are we
transitioning into a flashback?
So this is when I was
still in Elementary School.
[TAKAO] What the heck?
And that hoodlum had the nerve
to tell me his info
doesn't come cheap!
Ataru and his guys
came to get me.
They took me to a roof top.
The plan was to
watch a hero show.
[KIDS]
Fire!
[YOUNG KAZAMA] Ataru!
We're gonna die up here
'cause you wanted
to watch RaGaiGar!
[YOUNG YOKOSHIMA] Yeah,
this is all your fault!
[YOUNG ATARU] All we have to
do is make it to that terrace!
[YOUNG KAZAMA]
But we're up so high!
Dude. That young
announcer lady
jumped down a second
ago and she was okay!
[LADY] I hope I live
to see my husband
and three daughters one
more time! Help is on the way!
[KIDS]
Whoa! She's awesome!
[YOUNG KAZAMA]
That lady wasn't normal.
She was like a
super-human freak!
[YOUNG ATARU] You got
any other bright ideas?
Judging by how
fluffy my body is,
if I do a belly flop
onto the concrete,
I think I might
be okay. Gulp.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure
that's a terrible idea.
I'm in decent shape,
all things considered.
Maybe I can climb my way down
and go get some help? Gulp.
Dude, you're not
in good shape,
you're a scrawny little
elementary school kid,
I'm gonna go out on a limb
here and say "no way"!
[Fellas, I think I
can survive the fall.
The truth is I've been
developing an immunity
to the pain caused by jumping
off of buildings! Gulp.
Clearly you
just made that up!
[RAGAIGAR] I'm RaGaiGar,
the superhero.
I have the power to crush
boulders with my bare hands
and leap twenty yards
straight into the air.
This height should
be nothing for me.
Don't worry kids,
I'll be fine! Heroic Gulp!
[YOUNG KAZAMA] Shut up!
You're a dude in a costume!
You kids all right?
I've come to rescue you!
[RAGAIGAR & KIDS]
Awesome!
[KONEKONE] Okay, everybody,
here's the plan,
we'll use this rope to
climb down to the terrace!
[RAGAIGAR] Yay! He saved us!
Thank you so much, sir!
That's very kind. But if
you want to thank someone,
thank the wonderful lady
who informed me there were
kids trapped on the roof
of a burning building
who desperately
needed my assistance.
[KIDS] Let's get
out of here!
[KONEKONE]
There! Come on!
Hurry up now,
before it's too late!
Hm? You too! We're running
out of time! Hm?
I don't wanna be in debt to some
old fart that I barely know.
There's no telling what he'll
want from me down the road!
This isn't the
time for that!
Hm. I have to agree.
[KIDS]
Ah?
So in exchange
for me helping you,
I only ask that if you see
someone else in need,
you'll do everything you can to
help them. If you agree to that,
I'm willing to write off
all of today's debt.
So whaddaya say?
Do we have a deal?
Uh Hm. Yeah, that
sounds good to me.
[KONEKONE laughs]
Kid, I think you'll make
a decent man one day.
[RAGAIGAR] Uh. Can I
climb down that rope too?
[KONEKONE] Hm? Of course.
Though you might consider
taking off that
silly outfit first.
[KAZAMA] That's the story
of how Shaun Konekone
saved our lives one fateful day.
It just so happens that I ran
into him again here at school.
[ATARU]
Such a lovely flashback
You were here
the whole time?
The idea that somehow
the touching events
of that great story
helped to shape and mold
the person you've become
today pisses me off.
[KAZAMA] Okay, who
is it that hurt you?
I had no idea the great
superhero RaGaiGar
was such a sensitive person.
That's really all you got
from my awesome story?
Aw, you gotta be kidding me!
You idiots ate the whole thing!
I'm very sorry.
To make up for
the terrible thing I've done,
you can eat my lunch instead.
[KAZAMA] Right,
like that's gonna get me
through the rest
of the day.
[ROKA] Oh, stop
being such a grump.
My little sister made
me a delicious eh
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
I ate earlier
on account of being famished.
[KAZAMA]
What are you, hollow?
Stop being such a baby.
Say ahh!
[CHITOSE]
Uh? Aw
[CHITOSE]
Ahh?
You're outta your mind.
I can't eat that filthy thing!
So it's not clean
enough for ya,
guess we'll have to see
about that, won't we?
If I remember right,
she's in this class.
Hey! Funabori,
you got a second?
Hi. You need me?
[CHITOSE] Yep, you're
exactly who I need.
[KAZAMA] The Funabori? She was
in my class this whole time?
According to this, she likes
all things domestic,
has a pleasant disposition
and is a genuinely
considerate person.
Oh my goodness, she even
gets to school early,
before everybody else,
and helps clean up.
[STUDENTS]
Whoa!
Not to mention she waters
the flowers every day,
and sometimes even brings in
fresh plants. She's great! Wow!
And you say the floor
made this food "filthy"!
[KAZAMA grunts]
She's Amazing. I had no idea
Funabori was so handy.
Yeah, neither did I!
I'm so ashamed. I thought
the flowers were fake.
That girl is some
kind of angel.
[OHORI] Thank you
so much, Funabori!
--[GUY 5A] You rock!
--[GUY 5B] Yeah!
[GIRL 5B]
You're awesome!
[STUDENTS] Funabori! Funabori!
Funabori! Funabori!
[KAZAMA] All right,
that's enough!
There, I hope
everyone's happy.
[FUNABORI]
Ah
It's good, real good.
[CHITOSE] Uh, ya know it's
lunchtime, don't you, Kazama?
Do you have any
idea how much filth
everybody's tracked in
since this morning?
[KAZAMA heaves]
I've a confession.
I stepped in my puke.
[KAZAMA]
That's just gross!
And I peed on my shoe.
[KAZAMA]
Ugh. God!
Actually, so did I.
--[GIRL 5C] Me too!
--[GIRL 5D] Same here!
[GIRL 5E]
Guilty!
Is this a support group
for people that can't aim?
Wonderful, lunch is over!
[ROKA] Well, this's
been a pleasure,
but we've gotta
get back to class.
Have a great day!
Catch you on
the flip side, bro!
[KAZAMA] Damn it,
I'm starving here!
[FUNABORI]
'Scuse me
[KAZAMA]
Huh?
[FUNABORI] I know it
isn't much, but take mine.
Hey! I'll share with you too!
Ditto! I'm so sorry
I ate your lunch, dude!
Yeah! Oops!
Now, then. Let's get
started, everyone. Huh?
[KONEKONE] Oh, dear.
I seem to have forgotten
some important worksheets
in the teacher's lounge.
I'm sorry. Study on
your own till I get back.
Wait a sec. Did he just
do that for Kazama?
Is he intentionally stalling?
So you can eat lunch?
[STUDENTS]
That guy is the bomb.
[TAKAO]
Kazama.
[KAZAMA]
Uh--?
You didn't get to eat
lunch today, did you?
[KAZAMA]
Eh?
[TAKAO]
Here.
Oh. What's that?
What on earth do
you mean, "what's that?"
it's a sandwich, genius.
But why?
Because When I miss lunch
my stomach growls all day,
I figure you're the same.
There was one left in the
cafeteria, so I bought it.
[KAZAMA]
Thanks. I already ate.
I'll put it on your tab,
just take it. Please.
[KAZAMA] Mm Well
In that case, sure.
[KONEKONE]
Huh?
It would appear I've intruded.
Guess I'll be going, then.
To be young is an extraordinary
gift. So make the most of it.
[TAKAO & KAZAMA]
He's awesome!
[JOE] Hey!
Hang in there! Come on!
With these wounds, he's a goner.
[alien sounds]
But isn't that?
[alien sounds]
No, don't you
say another word!
[alien sounds]
Damn you! Popilson!
[JOE] My name is Joe and I'm
an erotic magazine hunter.
It's my job to travel
across space and time,
delivering porn mags to
pervs across the Universe.
Unfortunately nobody's gonna
wanna buy this piece of crap.