Don't Forget the Driver (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

1
Passing over soon into
the county of Devon.
Happy faces in anticipation
of Babbacombe Model Village!
Oops!
Somebody needs a little leak.
No number twos!
What's this bit, Pete?
Is this Devon?
Is this Devon?
- Pee-wee.
- Oi, oi, don't do that!
- Don't do that!
- Woohoo!
So, what the bloody hell
are you going to do?
Can't take us all day-tripping forever just
because of a bit of bother in bloody Bognor.
Please do not talk to the driver
when the coach is in motion.
I don't need it today, Barry.
Lighten up, Pete, will you?
Not all doom and gloom!
My, my head hurts.
My car won't start.
My house has been broken into.
My job is on the line.
My mother's lost the plot.
I'm being hounded by
two human traffickers,
- which is a first!
- OK, OK!
And today I have 20 modelling
enthusiasts looking to me for a fun
day out, so, will I lighten up, huh?
Whoa!
- Sorry!
- It's a 50 limit here, driver!
Sorry, rabbit. Rabbit in the road.
Sorry!
- It's all right, it's all right.
- Don't worry about him.
Everything's going to be great.
Everything OK.
- Just drop her off, mate.
- What?
Yeah, pull into the services,
tell her the party's over.
She's a liability. A Jonah.
Mum's pleased to see me,
aren't you, Mum?
- I'm on a secret mission.
- Are you, Nan?
I'm afraid I can't discuss it.
I've got both my boys back.
Just going to nip to the dunny, Pete.
That's toilet in Australian.
Toilet.
Righty-o, folks, time
to meet the little people.
Make sure you're back
in by ten to five.
And it looks like the sun
has got his hat back on!
- Is it safe to leave valuables on board, driver?
- Yep.
Erm, I've left a tripod.
It's a good one.
- I'm sure it'll be fine.
- So, you're staying on, then? - No.
- No, no, but I'm sure
- Oh, I'll leave it. I'll leave it.
Second thoughts
No, leave it, leave it.
Let's have a top day out!
- Shut up, Baz.
- Come on, dickhead.
- What are you doing here?
- Kay asked me to come. - Come along, dear.
- Well, you're supposed to be at work.
- It's Saturday, Pete.
- You have a big funeral on.
- Yeah, that's on Monday.
- Kayla, wait for us, dickhead!
- Can I go on the rides? Can I?
- Well, I'm not sure there are any rides, Mum.
- Oh, that's a shame.
I do love a log flume.
You'll be all right.
It's a model village.
Man, that's the whole
of the country here.
- Oh, look, a real-life giant!
- Oh, a real-life giant!
Where do you want to go, Nan?
1953. Come on. Real-life giant!
- Never seen one of those before!
- Thank you, kind sir.
Oh, look
OK.
Let's do this.
The druids gathered in a field
in England 3,000 years ago.
No-one knew why
- You've changed.
- Have I now?
Put on a bit of weight,
gone all serious.
I think Mum's looking great!
Barry, you've hardly been here, mate.
Ah!
Ah, dammit!
I'm looking for two Zooms, mate.
- Sorry.
- She can't manage on her own.
Oh, maybe we should put
her in a home, then.
That's your solution, is it?
10,000 miles and that's the best
you could come up with?
It's 2am in the morning, Pee-wee.
- Why have you come over?
- You told me to.
- To look after Mum, not to put her in a home!
- Right. - So, do it!
- That's what I'm doing! - No, you're not!
- Yes, I am! Look, I'm ready, mate! I'm prepared!
£4, please.
Ah, I've only got dollars.
Good to see you, mate.
- Ice cream, ice cream, ice cream!
- Look at the church!
- Your uncle appears to be a bit of a dick.
- He's a big dick.
A didgeri-dick.
He said I should come visit him,
said he'd get me a job.
- Oh, why don't you? - Because he's a dick.
- A boomer-dick! - Go on.
Well, it's a dick that
comes back when you
..when you throw it.
That's your kind of dick!
- Old lady there.
- You all right, Rita?
Looks like you can buy ice creams
at the box office if you're a bit
- peckish on the way in.
- Can I help you?
Oh, no, just ignore me.
Just pretend I'm not even here.
Twins.
Oh, very perceptive.
- Well, that's my specialism.
- Right.
300 subscribers on YouTube.
I go to places, I film
them and I upload them.
Right.
I've been trying to work you lot out.
Well, we're not
the attraction today, mate.
Oh, very funny!
No, no, no, your grouping.
Are you family?
Or a club or something?
Er family.
Oh, now you say it, yeah,
it makes sense, yeah.
- See you later.
- Bye!
Strange fella.
He's running away.
Very strange energy.
Anyway, back to the little people.
I am Gulliver!
Join me on my travels through Lilliput!
Fun and family activities
by the castle at 3pm.
- I am Gulliver!
- Oi, mate!
Ah, and what can I do
for you little people?
- Are you the real-life giant?
- What?
- It said on the board, "real-life giant".
- That's, that's me!
- I am Gulliver!
- Yeah, those are stilts.
Yeah, yeah, it's it's for the
kiddies.
I forgive you.
You know that's a nudist beach, yeah?
Shit!
There.
Sorry, sorry.
Aaaaawww!
Shit, shit, quick! Shit, quick!
Yeah, well, I didn't understand
a word of that anyway!
Right, a very important bit now,
subscribers - the toilet.
Not too shabby by my reckoning.
Room for enhancement,
but perfectly adequate.
Well, then I went on to play
the soothsayer in Julius Caesar.
Then it was Wind In The Willows
down here after that.
Lived at home for a bit.
Well, this this
is just for summer.
What about you, Bradley?
Undertaker. I bury the dead.
Cool.
Watch this.
- Have you found her?
- I'm looking, I'm looking.
Fucking find her!
And we lived here.
You see there, by the other house?
- Where were you?
- Erm long way.
- Oh! But you can come visit.
- I've got her. I can see her.
Good. Get it done!
Then he come down this road here,
down here past this road accident,
and down with his little, cosy feet
I suppose we all must
have been much smaller then.
And you were What's this?
Yes, we had his lunch in there.
And big Barry the bailiff, love it.
Oh, I love big Barry.
See his blue van there? Big Barry
the bailiff. Oh, he was lovely!
I don't know where that is.
Oh, the train,
the train's always on time.
So, then what?
Oh, what, move back to London?
- Yeah? I'm going back to Birmingham.
- Oh, yeah?
- She's been saying that ever since I knew you.
- Well, it's true.
Are you going to leave me?
- I'm going to go talk to my mum, aren't I?
- She there? - Yeah.
Yeah.
You look good in those.
Oh, thanks.
- Glad you think so.
- You're welcome.
Oh! Oh, you got me there!
You all right, Joy?
Oh, yeah, hello, David!
Are you working on the boats, too?
- You know me, Joy. Look at that!
- Me!
Yeah, you're great.
You're really good at this.
Look at that over there. Look at
that. Wahey, look, I beat you!
I beat you, I beat you, I beat you!
- Game over. - Finish.
- Yeah. Well, that was terrific.
Good.
I wonder if I could treat you two
ladies to something nice.
Oh, that's lovely, Dave!
Oh, a cup of tea wouldn't hurt.
- Do you want a cup of tea, love? - Tea?
- Yeah? - Tea? Come on, then, let's go.
- A nice cup of tea. - It's over here, come on. - Tea.
- Feeling parched after that. - Yeah, same here.
Excuse me!
- Yeah? - Tickets?
- Oh, yeah.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
- I tell you what, why don't you - Yeah?
- ..why don't you sit down here, Mum? - Yeah? - Just here, look.
There you go. Yeah, there you go.
And me and your young friend
can bring you something, yeah?
Oh! Yeah, go on. Go on, love, it's
only Dave, it'll be all right.
- I'll be fine.
- We find Kayla? - Soon.
- It's just, it's just round this way, yeah?
- Here? - Yeah.
Erm yeah, I know a short cut,
yeah, just over here.
It's fine, don't worry, I've got you.
Mum?
Mum?
- Oh!
- Mum!
- Hello, Peter!
- Barry.
Dave?
Pete.
What are you doing here?
Nothing much, we're just
having a cup of tea.
You don't drink tea, Dave.
- Leave it be.
- What?
Just leave it.
- You're involved in this, aren't you, mate?
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
- Not involved exactly.
But, actually, exactly involved.
- You let her on the coach, didn't you, Dave?
- No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
How much did they pay you?
This is big, Pete.
It's bigger than me, mate.
It's bigger than Bognor.
- Bugger Bognor, mate.
- It's Littlehampton now, mate.
Selsey Bill, Rustington -
it's wide, man.
- She's younger than my daughter, Dave!
- She'd have had it much worse back where she's from.
- That makes it all right, does it, Dave?
- I can't listen to you any more, Pete.
I've come to take her.
- You're joking!
- No, not unless you've got three grand.
She was going to work for 'em.
She was
- Oi! - Dave! - Come here!
- Dave! - Get here!
- Come here!
- A classic English village from the air.
- Come back! Wait! - Oh, what's she doing? - Kayla!
- Hey, come here! - Clear disregard for the signage!
- Hey, come here! - Tramping all over the private spaces!
- Hey, come here! - Him as well!
- I'm doing really well down under, Mum.
- Hey, oi, come here! - You'd be proud of me, you know.
- Imports - Hey!
- ..exports.
Hey, come here!
- Dave!
- Come here!
- Dave!
- It looks like one of our passengers from the charabanc
- Dave! - Come here! - ..That's being chased by
- Dave! - Just wait there!
- ..a big fellow who in turn is being chased by the driver!
- Oh, Dave, come on!
- A lot of tramping all over it! - Dave, leave her alone!
- I'm sure we'll get chucked out in a minute.
- Come here! - Dave, leave her alone!
- Oh! It's not exactly a fast chase!
- Come here!
- I don't know quite what he wants.
- And the little people
- Come back!
..tied me down with their little
ropes attached to every single
- part of me. - Come back! Oi!
- Help me! Help me! Help me!
- Australia's a really exciting place, Mum.
- Help me, I cry!
- It's a land of opportunity. - Hey!
- Beautiful landscapes, wildlife
- Help me! - Oi!
- ..the cricket.
- Come here! - They're just passing the golf course now.
- Come here! - Kayla! - Hey!
- Dave!
- Watch out for that train, big boy! Ooh! He landed.
He jumped cleanly,
I didn't expect that!
And the chaser is losing his
trousers - tighter belt required.
- Ooh, here's our driver, keeping pace! Go on, son!
- Dave!
- ..extensive mineral deposits.
- Help me! - Oi! Hey!
- It's just
- Help me, I cry!
- Oi! - Children, help me!
- I just
Help me!
- Help me!
- Hey! Oi!
- Help me!
- Oi!
Help me!
- Help me, I cry!
- Kayla!
- Children, help me! - Kayla!
- Children, please! - Dave?
- Nothing to see here!
- Kay, come along. - Hey, come here!
Mate, seriously, please.
Please, would you mind? Help me.
They're slowing further now
as they enter that London.
This is stupid, Pete. We're both,
we're both grown men.
- This is nothing to do with you!
- It was my coach, Dave!
This is what's going to happen,
right? I'm giving you a chance here,
mate, to step away.
I'm going to stand up,
I'm going to walk her out of here,
take her back to Bognor
and we'll call it quits.
What?! What are you talking about?!
- I'm taking her off your hands, mate.
- I don't want her off my hands, Dave!
- She's tricking you, mate!
- No!
Right, we'll go to the police.
Please, Pete, I'm an idiot -
you know that.
They'll send her back!
You want that, do you?
Please! Pete, please! I'm begging
you! We're old mates, mate!
You've got to understand,
I'm the fall guy, Pete!
I'm the fall guy! They're going to
come and get me, Pete!
They're going to come and get me,
Pete! They're going to get me!
She's worth money, Pete!
And they want her back!
- Well, we'll buy her, Dave. We'll pay for her.
- How are you going to find that sort of cash, Pete?!
Where are you going to find it, mate?!
- A cake sale! - What?!
- Yeah, a really big cake sale.
Yeah! Yeah, a cake sale
with really big cakes!
- What are you fucking talking about, Pete?!
- Yeah, massive cakes!
- And we'll sell them! And
- Sponsored walk! Raffle!
- ..and a car-boot! Car-boot sale!
- Fun run! - What?! - Tombola!
What is wrong with you people?!
There's thousands of them! You think
you're going to help everyone?!
- Please, think about what you're saying here!
- I'm quite good at guessing things. - What?!
- Guess the weight of the baby, that sort of thing.
- Yeah!
We've got a whole
payment plan now, Dave!
Please, Pete, open your hand, Pete,
and think about me!
Please, for one time! Please,
remember the drivers' code, Pete.
- Remember the drivers' code! - There is no drivers' code, Dave!
- We always fight for each other, Pete!
- No!
- Yes, we do! Remember Longleat, last year, mate?
- Argh! - Remember when we went to Durdle Door, remember that? We broke down.
- Shut up, Dave!
Remember when we broke
down outside Didcot and we were both
- under the van? You remember that, Pete?
- I don't remember it, Dave! - You've got to remember, Pete!
You've got to remember!
Wookey Hole!
Wookey Hole, Pete! Wookey Hole!
Just to remind everyone
that the park will be closing
in 15 minutes.
- OK - Children these days!
- Just give me a second.
Kids, man, you can't
You can't
You win some, you lose some.
- I can't get them off. - Absolute nonsense!
- Can you slip out of that?
- Up you get, babe. Come on.
- Oh, God!
Well, what a day! That was exciting!
And here we are on the charabanc.
Safe and sound, subscribers,
wherever you may be.
Hey, Canberra.
Hey.
- Yeah.
- All the way from Littlehampton.
- Wasn't everything so small?
- It was small!
- Dinky!
- Dinky, it's a good word. Is that an Australian word, dinky?
- I don't know.
- Fair dinkum dinky.
- What? - Dinkum dinky.
- Dinky!
Ladies and gents, ladies and
Erm
Um Up the front.
Um, ah, before we leave,
I wonder if you'd all indulge
me your patience.
I can see as I look out today
that you are a group of good,
kind-hearted English modellers.
- Aaw!
- Salt of the Earth. And I would like to bend all your ears today
about one of the most misunderstood
communities in our country.
This sounds interesting, subscribers.
- This community are
- Oh, dear! Battery depleted!
- Going to lose your licence.
- Barry!
She could get sent home anyway,
mate. Put back on a boat,
you never know.
What's this all been about?
- All this grief and hassle?
- She's got a brother here!
Look, they tell stories, mate.
Hmm? They see our lifestyle and,
of course, they want it,
but all that talk of war and stuff
I don't know.
She looks pretty healthy to me.
Mum's OK with it, aren't you, Mum?
- Some company. - Mmm!
- Well, I'm here for Mum.
Well, what about Leanne and Cameron?
Of course, but I'm here now.
Aren't I? So there you go.
Kay?
Yeah, well, she can
have my room if she wants.
Not staying, am I?
- Sorry?
- She can do what she likes.
Kay?
Don't worry about me, darling.
Nothing bad ever
happened to me, did it?
No wars or nothing.
You can have my stuff if you want.
I've got too much anyway.
Don't know how lucky I am, do I?
- I'm out of here anyway.
- What?! - Been here too long.
Like a gooseberry.
You all sit around going, "Oh, I wondering
when Kay's going to get her shit together."
That's all right, then,
because I'm going to go home,
- I'm going to get my stuff and then I'm gone!
- Kay?
Yes!
You had one job, squeaky!
One fucking job!
You failed, didn't you, you fuckwit!
You don't fuck up for free, mate!
There's consequences!
Here's a consequence!
Here, here's another
fucking huge consequence!
Here, look at this for a consequence!
Consequence! You fucker!
Tomorrow, probably.
Or Monday.