Everybody Still Hates Chris (2024) s01e05 Episode Script

1
[hip-hop music]
- The two most important rules
in my family
were, never make eye contact
with a junkie
and never wake my father
when he took his nap
between jobs.
♪
We had to eat quietly.
♪
We had to sneeze quietly.
We had to watch TV quietly.
- At Insane Wayne's,
we're knocking out high prices
with championship deals
on all TV, stereos,
and video games!
And this weekend only, we're
giving away free Nintendos
to whomever can beat
the brand-new video game
"Mike Tyson's Punch-Out"!
That's right--beat the champ,
win a Nintendo!
With promotions like this,
I must be insane!
[grunts]
- Nintendo for free?
Whoo-hoo!
- Shh!
- Back then, a free Nintendo
was a really big deal.
- Shh.
- Shh.
- Now they send me a Nintendo
every time I say Nintendo!
[hip-hop music]
I loved playing
"Mike Tyson's Punch-Out,"
even though the point of the
game was for a small white boy
to beat up
grown-ass minorities.
Dang it, I lost.
- You almost got
to the end, though.
Man, Mike Tyson is the best--
the only dude from Bed-Stuy
to ever punch his way
into being rich.
- And bite his way
back into being broke.
- Move aside, Cassius Colored.
- Great, Caruso's here.
- Hey, how'd you get
extra health?
- I got a cheat code.
[all gasp]
- Isn't being white
already a cheat code?
- Whoa, he's already
beaten the drunk Russian,
the dancing Dominican, and the
sushi-loving Japanese boxer.
- Caruso enjoy beating up
on those ethnic stereotypes
so much,
you'd think he was the LAPD!
[bell dings]
[all cheer]
- That's not fair.
You can't use a cheat code.
- Well, you got two choices--
me using a cheat code
or me using a beat code.
- I started to wonder,
what was the point
of even trying if someone
could so easily cheat to win?
But I realized people were
using all sorts of cheat codes
to make their lives easier.
- Risky, I-I need help.
My parole officer wants me
to take a drug test.
- Drug-free cup of pee,
10 bucks.
- Risky, I've been dating
a guy for, like, a month,
and I think he's the one.
How do I get him to commit?
- Positive pregnancy test,
20 bucks.
- Hey, Risky, do you know
where I could get
a cheat code for,
uh, "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out"?
- For you, young blood,
I got the ultimate cheat code.
This lets you skip to the
final round to fight "Tyson."
[angelic choir sings]
- Ahh!
[birds cooing]
- Go straight
to the end of the game?
I don't know--that sounds
like a lot of cheating,
and I'm not a cheater.
- At that point
in my life, I wasn't.
- Yeah, so? Here's your chance
to finally take a shortcut.
- The only shortcuts are hard
work and determination, Chris.
- That's as insane as me!
Do you want
a free Nintendo or not?
- I'll take it.
- 10 bucks.
- See?
You don't even have money
to buy a cheat code.
Get a job.
- Um, can I put that
on layaway?
- You get the code
when I get $20.
- 20?
You said 10.
- Well, now I know
you really need it.
- [sighs]
- I'm going to tell Daddy
you're trying to steal money
from the couch.
- [scoffs] You trying
to buy a cheat code?
You'll never catch
me using one.
They're for cheaters.
It says so right in the name.
- Hey, dum-dum, your face
is a cheat code.
- She's right!
- You fine, Drew!
- You can butter
my biscuits anytime!
- Shoo!
Take your hormones elsewhere!
- Well, your cheat code is
always blaming stuff on Chris.
- Is not.
- Is too.
- Daddy, Chris is making
me and Drew argue.
- Chris, don't make
your brother and sister fight.
[sighs] Anybody seen
my work shirt?
- Big Man!
Thank you for letting me
borrow your work shirt.
- My Uncle Mike came to stay
with us while his bedroom
was being fumigated.
While he had a pest problem,
we had an Uncle Mike problem.
But my mother always
defended her brother.
- Uncle Mike used
my yellow belt as a napkin
and got Cheeto dust
all over it.
- Now you got an orange belt--
problem solved.
- Uncle Mike used
my "Miami Vice" doll
as a bottle opener
and popped off Tubbs' head.
- Then start liking
Sonny Crockett better--
problem solved.
- Uncle Mike stole my kidney
while I was asleep!
- You still got another one--
problem solved.
- I figured you was throwing
out your work shirt
due to the mustard
I accidentally spilt on it.
By the way,
you're out of mustard.
- You took my work shirt
and spilled 3-cent worth
of mustard on it?
- Julius, just wear
your old work shirt for today--
problem solved.
- [growling]
Chris, take Drew and Tonya
to get haircuts, now.
- Whenever my mother
and father
were going to do
some real yelling,
she'd send us out
to get haircuts.
In the spring of '85,
I was one argument away
from being bald.
- Cheat code.
- I'll take the kids.
- Damn it, Julius.
My brother is trying his best.
Can you just be nice?
- Mike doesn't deserve nice.
He deserves a foot in his ass.
- Oh-ho-ho,
I ain't taking sibling advice
from a man who makes any excuse
to not talk to his own brother!
- Me and Louis not talking
is exactly what makes
our relationship work.
- Julius, your brother's
on the phone.
[garbage disposal whirring]
[sighs]
My brother means a lot to me.
Can you please be cool
about this, for me?
- [sighs] Okay, I'll try.
You know, we're alone.
I got a little time
before my first job.
I'm already not wearing pants.
- Mm, sorry, I got to go clean
the bathroom.
There's mustard everywhere.
- [groans]
- Hey, Manny, if I sweep up
all this hair,
can you give me $20?
- You're already doing
it for free, dummy.
Besides, what you need money
for so badly anyway?
- I'm trying to buy
a cheat code for a video game.
- I wish I had a cheat code
to get out of Nam.
The only cheat code for that
was to be white
- Oh.
- Or die.
- Whew.
- Cheat codes for Black folks
are few and far between.
- I totally agree.
So can I borrow $20?
- I don't have $20, little man.
I'll give you something better,
a free story about choices.
- I'd rather have the money.
- Too late!
Chris, like you,
I once had a choice
between taking the hard road
or using a cheat code
to make my life easier.
- [groans]
- That makes Thurgood Marshall
our first Negro
Supreme Court Justice,
a job that entitles him
to a lifetime salary,
free meals, and
an endless supply of robes,
all on the backs of white
middle-class taxpayers.
Lots to celebrate, for him.
- Isn't it so inspiring?
- Yeah.
Salary, food, robes!
Mm!
That man is set for life.
I got to be a judge.
[upbeat music]
But as I pursued
my judge dream,
I realized I misjudged
how hard it was
to become an actual judge.
Wait, I got to go
to law school, too?
Shi-i-i-t.
I started to doubt
if I'd reach my dream
of living that easy life.
But the day your parents
got engaged
was the day
I got my cheat code.
- And he took a second job
just to pay for the ring.
He delivered my newspaper,
and then he delivered my heart.
We're getting married!
- Taking two jobs was worth it
for Rochelle.
I'm sure it's just temporary.
- [sobbing]
Both of my babies are leaving.
One's becoming a judge,
one's getting married.
Who's gonna eat
my free cooking?
[sobs] Whose laundry
am I gonna do?
Who's gonna unstick me
from this couch on a hot day?
Oh, Lord, now I'm stuck!
[wailing]
- Julius,
this might be too much
for Mama to take right now.
You know what, Mike?
After we get married,
Julius and I will move in
so you can go to law school.
- Oh.
[smooth music]
- You hungry, baby?
You got to eat up
for your studies.
♪
- As much as I love my dream,
I love you even more, 'Chelle.
I'll stay home.
- No, Mike, you can't do that.
- Yes, he can!
Thanks, Mike. We owe you.
- I'm going to hold you
to that.
Staying home gave me
financial security, free meals,
and I still get
all the robes I need.
- Wait a second.
He used his story
to get out of paying me!
That grifting man-child.
- That man is a genius.
- He's not a genius.
He's a delusional fool.
Right, baby?
[smooching]
- Yeah, but the point is,
he used a cheat code
and got what he wanted.
- Look, Chris, do you think
Mike Tyson used cheat codes
to get where he's at?
You trying to be like
Iron Mike or Uncle Mike?
- Aah!
- [snoring]
- Back at home, my dad was
doing his best to play nice,
but Uncle Mike was breaking
my family's biggest rule.
- Big Man!
- Huh?
- Just got back
from the barber.
You want some lunch?
- No, I want some sleep!
- I heard you got
some leftover pot pie.
Can I have it?
- You can make love to that
pot pie, for all I care.
Just get out!
- Big Man!
What do you cook a pie at?
- 425, uncovered
for 10 minutes.
What am I doing?
Listen!
Do not bother me again
unless it's an emergency!
Got it?
Please!
- Big Man, emergency!
There's no pie left.
- You did what?
You can't just throw him out.
He's my brother!
- If I don't get my nap, then
I get tired driving my truck.
If I get tired driving
my truck, I could fall asleep.
If I fall asleep,
I could crash.
If I crash, I could die.
If I die
[grunts]
You have to get two jobs!
[grunts]
Is that what you want?
- Take your stupid nap.
I'm going to look
for my brother.
[door slams]
- [grumbling] Stupid Mike.
Stupid pot pie.
Stupid.
[door bells jingle]
[hip-hop music]
[door closes, bells jingle]
- So, Chris,
I heard you're trying
to get yourself a cheat code.
- Who's cheating?
- She's cheating
with some man named Code?
- Is that Marci's boy?
- Do he got a job?
- Yeah, it's
for a video game contest.
[all groan]
- [sighs] But I'm not sure
if I should anymore.
- He means he'd cheat if he
could, but he's too broke.
- Using cheat codes
is a bad idea if you ask me.
Want to hear my life story?
- No, thank you.
- I come from a long line
of hairdressers.
My grandmother became
the first person
to give a white woman
cornrows.
The community got so mad, she
was banned from doing hair,
and our whole family looked
awful for generations.
It was a symbol of our shame.
- If you're so ashamed,
then why do you have all these
sad-ass family photos up?
Ow! Hey!
- Oops.
I display them
as a constant reminder
that you can overcome anything.
I put myself
through beauty school,
opened my own salon,
and finally brought respect
back to my family, while also
scaring away white women
from seeking cornrows.
- Wait, I thought
you opened this salon
with the money you got
from jumping
in front of that Cadillac.
That's how you won
the Bed-Stuy lottery!
A broken neck
got you a token check!
- I didn't purposely get hit!
all: Mm
- Chris, I once had
a choice, too,
between using a cheat code
or putting in hard work.
Let me tell you a real story
about hard work.
- Damn, do I have
a sign on my back that says
"tell me your life story"?
- I was a single mom,
looking for the best way
to provide for Tasha.
One day, I thought
I found a cheat code
to earn me some quick cash.
But I learned real quick
just how hard the job was.
I was allergic
to the latex uniform.
The fried-fish buffet
made me nauseous.
And worst of all--
the spotlight was so bright,
I couldn't see a damn thing.
Whoa!
[crowd gasps]
Ahh.
Now, who wants a lap dance?
- You okay, Peaches?
- This ain't going to cut it.
- You want to make
some real money?
We're about to stiff
some tricks.
I slip them three of these, and
I'm getting me in some wills.
- Now, I had a choice.
I could get better at
stripping to make more money,
or I could steal
from some customers.
Nope, no shortcuts today, Tina.
And so I put in the hard work.
I adjusted to the spotlights.
I found an itch cream
for the latex rashes.
And eventually enjoyed
the fish buffet.
And, most importantly,
I made enough money
to get Tasha into day care
and then some!
- Look, Mommy, it's you
without the C-section scar.
- If I had used a cheat code
like those other girls,
I would have ended up
just like them, in prison.
- You did end up in prison.
- I went to jail!
Get it right!
My point is,
I didn't use a cheat code,
and I turned out great.
[device beeping]
Uh-oh.
Um, I-I got to go.
Bye, Chris.
You know what to do.
- No. No, I have no idea.
Y'all just confused me
even more.
- Ooh, I'm telling Daddy
you're thinking about cheating.
- Tonya snitching on my
Black ass for thought crimes
was the real Minority Report.
Just 'cause I'm thinking
about it
doesn't mean
I'm going to do it.
[sighs] If only
God gave me a sign.
[tires squeal, people gasp]
- [sniffs]
[engine revving]
- Looks like my prayers
have been answered.
A broken neck gets you
a token check
and a cheat code
for a brand-new Nintendo.
All right.
[tires screech, horn honks]
Oh, hell, no!
- Ooh, I'm telling Daddy
you tried to get hit by a car
but chickened out.
- Damn.
Now what?
Huh.
[hip-hop music playing]
[thud, screech]
Aah!
- What the hell?
- Oh!
You ran over my foot!
Oh, the pain!
- [gasps]
- The pain!
- Boy, you messing with me?
I ran over that brick!
- Who are the cops are going
to believe, me or that brick?
Oh, the pain!
Lord, don't take me now!
I have so much to live for!
Best acting I ever did,
till I made "Grown Ups 2."
- Damn.
We're both businessmen.
What do you want?
- Give me that
cheat code for free.
- Use the cheat code
to get a cheat code.
Respect, young blood.
- I still didn't know if using
cheat codes was good or bad,
but I figured I could worry
about that
after I won the Nintendo!
I got the cheat code,
and you don't got one ♪
Nintendo, here I come ♪
Hey.
- Oh, that's great, Chris.
Now you won't be a total loser.
- It's mine.
- The Nintendo will keep me
and my family warm
this cold, cold winter.
- If we take one back to Haiti,
we can power the whole country.
- Maybe a Nintendo will make
my dad come back.
- Damn, I thought I wanted
to use this cheat code,
but now I don't know.
- At least you have a choice.
These kids are way
worse off than us.
[beeping]
- [gasps] "Kid, if you need
a cheat code to beat me,
"it's okay.
"Just be willing to live
with the consequences
of your actions."
Uh, thanks, champ?
"Thank yourself.
"I'm just your conscience.
The real me would never give
advice without getting paid."
- Watch it, Leon Stinks.
- Hey, everybody,
you guys want a cheat code?
Maybe we can all win Nintendos.
- Yes!
This is the first time
I felt hope
since my mom left me
at the firehouse!
- Hey, honey,
you have a good nap?
- I don't know.
Why are you being
so nice to me?
Am I still napping?
- Here, baby,
I fixed you a plate.
- Thanks, 'Chelle.
What's up, Big Man?
Oop, time
for "The People's Court."
If not for the sacrifices
I made for this family,
me and Judge Wapner
could've been judge friends.
- I see you found Mike.
Well, I found my size-12 boot
so I can kick his ass
out again.
[bell dings]
- Chris, take Drew and Tonya
to get haircuts, now.
- Uh, Chris and Drew
aren't here.
And we already got
haircuts today.
- Then go watch TV
with Uncle Mike!
- Damn it, woman! Why are you
always taking his side?
All he ever takes is seconds.
- Because we owe him.
Without Mike, we wouldn't be
so goddamn happy right now!
- [whispering] Don't you see
he's a guilt-tripper
just like your mom?
He's guilt-tripped
you your whole life,
and he's doing it again now!
- No, he's not.
[gavel bangs on TV loudly]
Mike, can you turn it down
so me and Julius
can argue in peace, please?
- I can't hear you!
My eardrums are blown out
from years of listening
to Mama's CPAP machine.
You sure are lucky you left.
- Okay, keep it
as loud as you want.
Oh, okay, you're right!
He is a guilt-tripper,
but he's my brother, Julius.
I don't know
how to say no to him.
- All you have to do is talk
to him and be honest.
I'll be in your corner
the whole time.
- Fine.
I'll ask him to leave.
- While my mom was about
to battle Uncle Mike,
it was almost my turn
to battle Iron Mike.
[all cheer]
[lo-fi electronic music]
♪
[beeping]
[all cheering]
♪
- Chris, you're up.
[hip-hop music]
♪
Keep your head in the game.
You can do this.
- Okay, Rochelle,
you can do this.
- Mike, I love you,
but I think it's time you left.
- Get him, Mama!
- That's it, baby!
- [grunts]
- Yeah, that's it, baby!
- Why are you
calling me "baby"?
- Why are you talking to me?
Focus!
- Okay, what you got, Mike?
[bell dings]
- Okay, what you got, Mike?
- You promised me
I could stay longer.
And I kept my promise
to live with our parents
so you can go off
and get married.
So now you have to keep yours.
[plate clatters]
- I--Ooh.
- Oh, that's okay.
We knew he'd throw that one.
Stay strong, Rochelle!
[bell dings]
- Stay strong, Chris.
You got this!
- [slurps]
- Ugh!
- Ooh, he nailed you
good with that hook!
- Ugh!
- And that jab.
- Ugh!
- And that uppercut.
Oh, don't give up, Chris!
- You can't give up, Rochelle.
You got this.
- Mike, I'll always be grateful
for what you did,
but I can't let you
guilt-push me around anymore!
- Well, if that's how you feel,
I guess I'll go.
But the news you threw your
beloved brother to the curb
is going to be hard on Mama
and her already-fragile
pacemaker.
[both gasp]
- Oh, no, he didn't.
- [breathing heavily]
- Whoa!
- Ha ha!
You're going to lose,
Blacky Balboa!
- Not today, I'm not.
I didn't cheat my way
this far not to win!
all: Whoa.
[gasp]
- Go for the knockout, Chris!
- Go for the knockout,
Rochelle!
- Fine, tell Mama
I'm kicking you out.
While you're at it,
also tell her
you messed up
Drew's karate belt,
broke Tonya's doll,
ruined Julius' work shirt,
and made those calls
to 1-900-HOOCHIE!
Or maybe I should call her.
- [gasps]
On second thought,
I just remembered--
my special lady friend
lives a few blocks away
and can put me up.
So see y'all at Thanksgiving
for ten days!
And, also, please have
some turkey pot pie.
[door slams]
- [huffs]
- Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Way to go, Mama!
- You did it, baby!
He's someone else's
problem now.
- Yes! I am the champ
of the living room.
I am the champ of the family!
- And my parents' cheat code
to a happier life
was having each other.
- Yo, you're about
to win, Chris!
Go for the super uppercut!
- [breathes deeply]
[game beeping]
- Yes!
You knocked him down!
all:
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight, nine--
[electricity zaps,
all groan]
- Huh?
Are you kidding me?
- Oh, no!
Looks like a totally random
and unexpected power outage!
Sorry, kids,
the promotion is canceled.
- That day, I learned
a valuable lesson.
Even if you got a cheat code
to make life easier,
there's always somebody
with a better one
to screw you over.
- Way to go, Muhammad A-Loser!
- [grunts] Why?
- Everybody
still hates Chris ♪
Oh, oh
[lo-fi electronic music]
♪
- MTV ♪