Frauds (2025) s01e05 Episode Script

Shit!
Carl Deegan, we want to talk to you
about a shooting
earlier this afternoon.
Guernica?
You got a back-up plan?
'We just told a lunatic
we have a plan.'
Yep. We need a plan, don't we?
With a restoration team in there,
that rules out going in at night.
IN SPANISH:
The security guard,
I sort of kept in touch with him.
But now we've got a requirement
for an inside man at the museum.
Hey, hey!
Roberta, are you mad with Mother?
Shouldn't Mother be mad with you?
Why, cos I went off to live my life?
What about what I was owed
for having you being dumped on me?
I know you want a relationship
with your mum,
but you can't get between them.
She doesn't need special treatment.
I'll judge how I treat Caitlin.
I can't end up in prison
like Bert did.
She took the rap
because it was her rap to take.
Your decision to contact us
has been key to our investigation.
GASPING
'You could have killed her,
you prick.'
GRUNTING
SICKENING THUD,
JACKIE GASPS
It was wild!
I am calling the police.
No.
'He deserved that, yeah?'
I did the right thing.
Sam?
Yeah, you did.
I need to speak to Jackie.
No, Bert, not now.
She's at the hospital.
Just need to get this back.
Yeah?
And what if she blabs to the police?
Just give her some space.
Look, take it home. Get some sleep.
Where are you going?
To check on Caitlin.
'You've reached Jackie.'
BERT GROANS
'Leave a message.'
RINGING TONE,
SHE SIGHS
Come on, Jackie.
'You've reached Jackie.
Leave a message.'
Fuck it.
Is he gonna be OK?
He has suffered a head trauma,
and we had to put him
in an induced coma
to avoid the risk of bleeding
on the brain.
He's recovering well,
but the next 12 hours
are very important, OK?
You're a bloody idiot, Craig!
Jackie?
No. Out!
You're rewriting what happened.
Look, I was defending you.
What are you playing at?
You cannot be here.
What do you want me to do?
Do you want me to say sorry?
I'm sorry.
Please, you can't be here.
Next of kin only.
Yeah, I'm
When you are ready, the police
would like to speak with you.
Just remember why you left him,
yeah?
SHE SIGHS
GLASS SHATTERS,
CAR ALARM WAILS
KNOCK AT DOOR
MUFFLED SHOUTING
Hey.
Hey.
He's really hurt, isn't he?
What the hell was that?
Is she going to be a problem?
It was a lot, I know,
but this is what it's like
with Bert.
It's exciting,
but it always gets out of hand.
Sam, we don't have much time.
We can
We can keep it on track, can't we?
PHONE VIBRATES
Hey
We can make this work.
Yeah, we can.
And if for some reason,
it doesn't work,
we make sure our fingerprints
are not on this job.
What if Jackie talks to the police?
She won't.
She just needs to cool off.
I think she's out.
There is a version of this where
we don't go through with the job.
No, there isn't.
Sam, think of the life
we could have.
It's three days away.
I can manage this.
I'll go see Jackie.
OK. What do you need from me?
Nothing for now. You relax.
Yeah?
Sam?
COCKEREL CROWS
All right?
Hello?
'It's Sam. Leave a message.'
Where are you?
SIGHS
Where is the controlling cow, eh?
SOFT CLUCKING
"I don't know, Bert,
they've all fucked off."
Oh. Oh, have they now?
SIGHS
RINGING TONE
'It's Sam. Leave a message.'
FRUSTRATED HISS
CAITLIN, IN SPANISH:
Someone answer their fucking phone!
PHONE VIBRATES
Yeah?
'Bert. It's Blas.'
Where the hell have you been?
'There's a problem.'
THEY SPEAK SPANISH
SHE SIGHS
Jackie. Jackie.
Hey, Jackie!
You know, Bert was here,
telling me she was defending me.
Didn't want to know.
And then the police turned up.
And you told 'em it was Bert?
No.
I said I didn't want to talk
right now.
Please don't talk to the police.
I haven't decided what I'm gonna do.
But one thing I do know - I'm out.
Without you,
this whole thing falls apart.
We need you!
I don't want to do it.
I can keep her on track.
No, you can't.
If you could,
you'd have done it years ago.
SIGHS
Argh! Ah, fuck!
PHONE VIBRATES
Hello?
'She's out.'
She can't be.
'What the hell are we gonna do?'
Maybe I'll contact Selene,
buy some more time.
And look weak? No. I'll
'I'll finish the rig,
I'll be the lookout,
'whatever it takes.'
I'm sorry, I just
We need you on the inside.
'If anything, we need more
of a distraction, not less.
'But don't worry, I'll work it out.'
Fine. Then let me handle Jackie.
'OK.'
OK.
OK.
SIGHS
PHONE RINGS
HE SIGHS
Hiya, Mum.
'How long until
you can come home, Bilal?'
Not long now. I'm nearly finished.
And I'll be on the first flight
out of here.
'Can I see it?'
Of course.
'Imagine being paid to copy
a painting.
'Oh, Bilal, it is beautiful.'
HE CHUCKLES
Yeah, it's all in the glazing
with Dali.
'Give over. Never mind Dali.
You did that!
'Bilal, you can do anything
you set your mind to.'
Thanks, Mum.
SIGHS
SHE CHUCKLES,
HE SIGHS
All right?
The watch you gave me, the police
chased me to question me about it.
Well, if you'd have given it
to Maria like I asked,
then no-one would chase you
anywhere.
If you hadn't given me
a stolen watch,
then I wouldn't have been trying
to sell
You think I got it
out of a Christmas cracker?
It's too risky for me
at the museum right now.
What's wrong?
You. You're what's wrong?
Hanging around here.
You're embarrassing yourself
like a dog with its dick out.
Now get back to the Reina Sofia.
Don't talk to me like that.
Or what?
Or I'll let Sam know
that you're lying.
Yeah?
Or the authorities.
Yeah?
Then I'll let the authorities know
that you help me lie about cancer.
So you knock yourself out.
Maybe it's me that should give
someone a call.
You do that,
you'll end up back in prison.
LAUGHS
You think I give a shit about that?
I tell you someone
who wouldn't fare well in prison.
You.
See, they love ex-screws inside.
You think about
all that lovely attention you'd get.
Stop crying and get back to work.
Hey. You need to rein it in.
What?
Well, Jackie's out,
we still don't have a distraction
and Blas just called.
What did he want?
The police are onto him.
Yeah. I spoke to him.
Well, we can't expect him
to manage it.
Yeah, OK, well, you manage Jackie,
and I'll manage Blas.
No, you need to let me deal
with everyone.
How am I (?)
Cheers for asking (!)
I got into a fight defending
our mate.
I wonder how I am (!)
You're right. How are you?
I'm OK.
But then I'm always OK, aren't I?
Right, let's go together
to sort Blas out, yeah?
Yeah.
Right.
You go in there
and you front it, yeah?
You don't mess this up
cos you can't tell a white lie
about a nicked watch.
Whatever they say -
deny, deny, deny.
OK.
We'll wait on the next street over.
MACHINE BEEPS
Hi.
Have you slept?
BREATHES DEEPLY
You have had an enormous shock.
And this could be a long road.
The best advice I have
is go home and do something -
even if it's just for 20 minutes -
that is just about you.
SOFTLY: OK?
PHONE BUZZES
SHE EXHALES SHAKILY
IN SPANISH:
SHE EXHALES SHARPLY
PHONE BUZZES
Hello?
That's great.
We'll go together. Meet at mine.
Jackie's agreed to meet Caitlin.
I'll take you back to the house.
Get out your hair?
They're looking for two women
in connection with the watches.
And the theft of a holy relic?
Did they get a description?
Apparently.
We need to lay low in Madrid
for a couple of days,
do this when there's less heat.
No, no, no. You need to go back
to Madrid and stick to the plan.
Police are looking for you.
Are you mad?
We're still doing this.
We're so close.
We need to make this happen.
Then we can all disappear.
I think we should split up.
That's convenient.
You just said that there's
a description of two women.
It makes sense to split up.
Also, you're sick. You need to rest
to be ready for the big day.
I don't think you want me to have
a rest, you want a rest from me.
SAM SIGHS
I'm taking you back.
I'll keep you informed
of everything that happens, OK?
PHONE RINGS
GASPS
Shit.
Hello?
'Ey, up, gorgeous.
I'm out on bail.
I need to get home,
and you, Obi Wan Ke-nobhead,
are my only hope.
CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY
Me?
That little shit Prak's been
making moves on my patch in Bradford
while I've been banged up.
He's gonna lose his marbles
when he finds out
what's happened to his cousin Kyan.
Wait, what has happened to Kyan?
Is he not OK?
Never mind all that. Listen.
Seeing as you're the reason I were
banged up in the first place
..you're gonna help me
get out of Spain.
'And I can't exactly jump
on the 3:45 out of Alicante, can I?'
Can't Rocky help you?
'Can't get in touch with him.'
And even if I could,
he hasn't robbed a massive bag
of money off me, has he?
Deegs, look, I can't,
I'll get in trouble.
Do you know how much trouble
you're gonna get in if you don't?
'I need that money today.'
And what about my mum?
'I just had a lovely little chat
with her.'
So, do this for me,
your mum'll be sweet,
your debts'll be cleared.
Me and you back to square one, yeah?
Old buddy, old pal.
Go on, then.
Let's have a look at that painting.
I know you're making a copy.
Come on, then. Chop, chop.
'It's proper good that, Bilal.'
Who did it originally?
Salvador Dali.
'Did he?!'
LAUGHS
Dirty bastard.
It's good, that.
LAUGHS
All right, then.
I'll see you in a bit, yeah?
Get us that money, you prick.
CHICKEN CLUCKS
EXHALES
MOUTHS: Fuck.
Where are you going?
I need to do something,
and I need to do it now,
and if you don't let me
I can't finish the picture.
What?
Deegs is out. He needs this money.
That massive lump? Bilal.
He said if I do it,
he'll clear my debts.
If I don't, how do I ever go back
to Bradford? How do I ever go home?
I don't know, but I do know
that you're going back in that house
and finishing that picture.
You got your money, so paint.
What are you doing? Get up.
It needs to be finished by tomorrow.
No.
If you don't let me go,
I won't finish it.
I don't care if you shoot me.
Get your phone out.
No.
Get your phone out.
Why?
Get back in the house.
We're gonna sort this out.
Come on.
Got no mates your own age to phone?
I wanted to see
if you needed anything.
You've been sent
on a charm offensive.
Firstly,
I wanted to see how you were doing.
Secondly, how your husband is.
You don't care how my husband is.
Do you?
Listen, when I met you, you were
not only doing something you loved
but something you were good at.
Why do you want this job so badly?
I'm just a huge fan of art.
And I'm sick of being broke.
My place is so small, I can touch
the toilet from the end of my bed.
Bloody hell.
Handy if you want a wee.
CAITLIN CHUCKLES
Look, I just want you in, man.
You seem straight up -
you know, for a crook.
Hmph! Well, you know
what to say to a girl (!)
Listen.
Those two are full of shit.
My husband is lying in there
because of them.
It does sound like
he went pretty nuts, though.
That's not the point.
I'm still fucking raging with Bert.
It's so much money, though.
And I know that money
isn't everything,
but money buys you the time
to decide how far away
from this life you want to be.
SIGHS
So, are you in?
Jackie?
Yes.
But my foot will be on the pedal,
and I am in charge of when we leave
and who gets left behind
if they're misbehavin'.
Entiendes?
Well done.
Thank you.
Well, you did
what Bert and I couldn't.
She still isn't happy.
Oh, well, the money
she's gonna make from this job
will put a spring in her step.
So, our next problem -
the distraction at the museum.
Yeah, we're working on that.
Look, I didn't wanna mention it
cos, you know, we've got
enough on our plate, but
..Bert's in a volatile place.
OK.
I mean, she can sense being managed
a mile off,
so she has to think
that she isn't being,
else we run the risk of the wheels
completely coming off.
Thank you for trusting me.
It's OK.
Well, come on.
3pm.
Yeah. That's right. Yeah.
Er, I'll be there. With the money.
That's it. Good boy.
Now all you have to do
is stay here and finish this.
I'm nearly there.
Bloody hell, Bilal.
I'm not just a pretty face.
BOTH CHUCKLE
No, you're a good 'un.
Just don't cock it up
at the final hurdle
or I'll batter you.
Right.
I'm off to see a man about a dog.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Fucking spare me.
Where's Bilal?
What do you want Bilal for?
I thought you just wanted the money.
I do.
Come and get it, then.
Drop the bag and piss off.
SIGHS
Just
GUN COCKS
While you're down there.
IN SPANISH:
PHONE BUZZES
MUFFLED GRUNTING
Take this bag off my head,
you psychotic cow.
SHE LAUGHS
Yeah, OK, cos you've got
such a lovely way with words (!)
Argh.
HE GRUNTS,
SHE LAUGHS
Hey. Bert?
Bert's gone to pay off Deegs.
What?!
Whoa, whoa. Just wait.
Erm, let me explain.
COCKS GUN
Ah!
What you doing? Where are we?
Up we go.
Ah! Ah!
Ah!
Move!
INDISTINC
MUFFLED SPEECH
SHE GRUNTS
Ah! Fucking ankle.
Ah!
Get down, all right?
Ah! Ah!
Yargh!
Ah! Jesus!
Your mum must've dropped you
on your head or summat,
I swear to God.
Shut up. Sit still.
You're fucking mental. Argh! Ah!
All right.
HE GROANS,
SHE YELLS
Bas! F-F-Fuck!
Aa-a-a-a-a-ah!
Fuck.
HE GROWLS
What do you want?!
I want you
to stay out of my business.
HE LAUGHS
Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen,
is it?
Yeah, I've heard you've got Bilal
forging a Dali painting for you.
I reckon I know
why you're doing that.
That sounds like fun.
Fucking knew it.
Fuck.
HE YELLS,
GRUNTS
You've burst my eardrum!
Yeah? I think I've caught your ear
there, as well, Mr President.
Argh! What do you want?
Just tell me what you want
and I'll do it.
You gonna leave Bilal alone?
Yeah, I'll leave him alone.
Just let me go.
Yeah, the thing is,
if I take you back with me,
I don't think you're gonna behave,
cos I don't think
you're capable of behaving, are you?
HE PANTS
Mm? So
Aa-a-argh!
HE SPITS
I'd lick that up if I were you.
It's all you'll get for two days,
cos I'm leaving you here.
You're fucking not!
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I am.
And if you keep using
all your energy to get free,
then you're going to get sweaty
and knackered
and really fucking thirsty.
And that'll bring your need
for water up to, what, in this heat?
Mm, day and a half?
So maybe you wriggle free.
Maybe you make it to the next town,
which is about three hours away
on foot.
But in which direction?
So, that's the decision
you're gonna have to make.
Or you sit there
like a good little boy,
and in two days' time,
someone's gonna come pick you up,
give you your money, and then
off you fuck on your merry way.
Argh! Fuck you!
HE GROWLS
Argh!
HE GROANS
HE PANTS
Argh, just leave me alone,
you nightmare!
And if you need a little wee-wee,
you'll have to do that
in your knickers.
Argh!
SHE LAUGHS
Deegs? Why didn't you tell me?
Oh, am I disobeying the boss (?)
Where did you go?
Out of the way.
Cos you said
I couldn't mind my own business.
SAM SCOFFS
She gets like this, your mum.
What happened to him? Where is he?
I'm finished. I've done my bit.
Have you done yours?
Yep.
You won't hear a peep out of Deegs,
and you're on the last plane
out of here tonight.
So, go on, show us the goods.
Right. Wait there.
Right, gently now.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Bilal, it's beautiful.
It's perfect.
BILAL CHUCKLES
Take him to the airport, Caitlin.
Argh, mwah!
Oh!
Well done.
Thanks.
SAM CHUCKLES
See you.
Good luck, guys.
You don't have to look at her
like that. Like what?
Like you're a team
and you're edging me out.
I'm not edging you out, Bert,
I'm trying to help.
Where is Deegs?
Probably in a puddle
of his own piss.
But we don't have to worry
about him any more.
SAM SIGHS
Where are you going now?
Out.
Out, OK?
I need time to think.
Hey.
Hello.
To what do I owe the pleasure?
We're doing a job.
Bert and I. Big money.
I think you'd make a great addition
to the team.
There's no "team" in "I".
CHUCKLES DRILY
What's the job, exactly?
Huh?
You need a baby-sitter for Bert?
That's not what's required.
That's always what's required.
So, what's the job?
A heist in two days.
Cutting it fine, aren't you?
Well, we need someone who can cause
a mistake-sized distraction
long enough
for us to get in and out.
All differences aside,
you're the perfect person.
What are you paying?
A million euros.
What are you stealing?
The Crown Jewels?
I only share that information
with my team.
Give me the address
and my job description
and I'll be there.
Well we're gonna need you
before that.
Mm. Of course you do.
This one-million-euro job
Why don't we wait?
She's dying.
Wait until she's gone.
Then we do it.
We'll get a larger cut.
No.
It's her dying wish.
Still sentimental.
Well, play your cards right,
you might get it anyway.
She always had a soft spot for you.
So, are you in?
Can I trust you?
Well, as much
as anyone can trust Bert.
That's not what I asked.
Can I trust YOU?
Oi-oi. Did he get on his plane?
Yeah.
And now that we've got Jackie back
on our side, we're winning. Hey.
Don't get mad, but I've invited
someone to help lighten the load.
Roberta.
No. Absolutely not.
I don't want her involved.
You wanted her here
in the first place.
Yeah, now I don't.
Well, Caitlin can't be the only
distraction. It won't be big enough.
And what is more distracting
than this? Oh, give it a rest.
You've been knocking out
the same schtick for years.
We don't want your help.
That's not what you said
when you came to see me.
We do need the help.
From anyone but her.
Bert, it's you and I with 30 seconds
to switch a painting.
We have to have
all eyes away from us.
We need someone who can make sure
everyone leaves
the Masturbator room,
someone skilled enough to turn
the crowd to our advantage.
Control the crowd
and we control the space.
Calm, Roberta.
Let's all work together.
You don't have to worry.
I put on a show to end all shows.
Nobody will be remotely interested
in you two.
Yeah.
BERT HUFFS
Oh, nice ambush.
I'd only have been an ambush
if you hadn't already been
backchannelling to her.
I want to see her because
of everything happening with me
and she was just shit.
Well, you were right.
We do need her.
Yeah, what's she gonna do?
Jump out of a cake or have everyone
trip over on her bingo balls?
Well, we haven't discussed
the details yet.
Who, you and Caitlin?
No!
Me and Miss Take,
or me and you, Bert!
You're worrying me.
You don't have to worry about me.
Well, you're acting out.
Yeah?
Fuck!
MUTTERS: Fuck.
How's your hand?
Fine! I scraped it.
Did you?
So, you're Sam's daughter?
Mm-hm.
I see it. It's the eyes.
So, how are you finding
being back with your mother?
Good.
I'm glad.
I don't think
she's natural mother material.
But then who among us is, really?
SIGHS
What's gonna happen
when all this is done?
Are you gonna come back, nurse me,
or are you going to sail off
into the sunset with Caitlin
and just leave me?
I told you I'd take care of you.
Gets messy towards the end, though.
What do you want me to do?
Are you even sad that I'm dying?
Of course.
How long do you hope it's gonna be
until I actually die, though?
What sort of question is that?
Because you want rid of me,
don't you, as soon as possible?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You do.
You've wanted rid of me all day.
You can't even let me in
on my own job.
Cos let's remember, this is my job.
I know!
BERT LAUGHS
Oh!
This is nothing compared
to what I'm capable of.
Getting in and out of a museum
and stealing a painting.
It's a piece of piss compared
to what I can get out of.
What, prison?
SAM CHUCKLES
You got yourself out of prison?
How?
You haven't got cancer, have you?
And it's took you this long to
even think about working that out.
Why would you lie about that?
Oh, my God, you're deranged.
No, I'm not. I'm smart.
I am so much smarter than you.
I worked out how to pay
for a cancer patient's records,
and then I lined up
all the people inside prison.
I took pills so that you thought
that I was sick, which made me sick,
and, actually, that was really
fucking inconvenient at times.
CHUCKLES
I played the long game,
and here I am!
That is so much better
than any con that you could come up.
I put you to bed.
We-We drank to life.
Oh, admit that you're
a little bit impressed.
And anyway, I'm not dead now,
so aren't you happy?
To life!
Why?
There are worse things
that I could have done.
What's worse than pretending
you're dying of cancer?
Wearing a wire for the police
like a nasty little grass.
I didn't.
Yeah, you did.
And then you watched
as they dragged me out of that club,
and you pretended
that we were in it together.
And I never once gave them
your name.
And then I wrote to you, and I said,
"You go and live your life."
But you'd betrayed me, hadn't you?
SAM BREATHES SHAKILY
I didn't have a choice.
They were coming for you,
and you were wild.
We were gonna end up dead.
You put me inside!
You put yourself inside!
The police came to my door
because you put us on their radar.
I didn't have a choice!
We always have a choice!
Not with you, Bert,
because you push and you push
until you're in a corner.
And that is what you're doing now.
You were nothing without me!
You were just
some knocked-up little teen
working in a shitty little club
in the middle of nowhere.
You think I don't hate myself?
No.
I'd have preferred to serve a
sentence than live with this guilt.
You said you were my friend.
And then you took away
ten years of my life.
SAM CHUCKLES
You're gonna fuck me over,
aren't you? Huh?
Do you know,
the only thing that we can both know
is that we need this money so that
we can never see each other again.
And aren't you fucking lucky
that trumps me putting you
in prison?
But how do I know
that I can trust you?
Cos I'm doing this for Caitlin,
and she needs this.
Fuck you.
You're doing it for you, cos you're
a con through and through.
And when this is done, I'm gone.
SIGHS
I haven't got cancer.
Well, that's good news.
I had to do something to get out.
I made friends
with the prison nurse.
And she needed the money,
so I saw an opening.
So, why keep up the lie?
Because it's the only way
I could get Sam to see me.
And cos I wanted her to feel it
when I hurt her.
Cos I wanted her to pay.
For what?
For putting me in prison.
She was a police informant.
I found out when I was inside.
So this is all revenge.
It didn't need to be. I
I turned that around in my head.
I
I was gonna split the money
with her.
She just used me,
like she always did.
I'm sorry.
I should have stayed with you.
You're the only person
that's ever really understood me.
How do you know she's not planning
to do the same thing again?
Because she's doing it for Caitlin.
Roberta
..we said some hurtful things
to one another.
Yeah.
I need you to know that
this isn't just about the money.
Bert, you were hard to love.
But Mateo and I,
we cared deeply for you.
Is the job real?
Yeah.
Is the money real?
Very.
Can I be sure that I can trust you?
Pinky promise.
I will watch your back.
But anything to do
with you and Sam
..not my problem.
You understand?
Yeah, I understand.
BERT SNIFFS
STIFLES SOBS
THEY CHUCKLE
CAITLIN: Are you going to be OK?
I only agreed to do this job
cos I thought
she'd be dead by the end of it,
and now I'm stuck with her.
When this is done, we need to leave.
We'll have enough money.
We can go anywhere.
Why would she lie like that?
Because she was born a liar.
I'm just sorry you got pulled
into all this.
Look, I know you believed in her,
but you cannot trust
a single word that she says.
Can we trust her to do the job?
Yeah, because without this,
she really does have nothing left.
MISS TAKE: 'Will you stop moving?'
BERT: 'Ow! That hurts.'
Well, hold still, Bert.
My mum never does my hair.
When's she coming back?
She's not.
But you're OK here with me,
aren't you?
Yeah.
LIVELY MUSIC,
CHATTER
Showtime.
Hola. Would you?
Hm?
Come on, the flowers.
But they look so good.
We don't want any, thank you.
Goodbye.
MISS TAKE LAUGHS,
SPEAKS SPANISH
MUSIC FADES
Trust nobody, kid.
MUSIC: 'Tainted Love'
by Gloria Jones
DOOR OPENS
I can't sleep at night
All a boy could give you
You want some?
You must be starving.
Oh, oh, oh
Any love from me
You need someone to hold you tight
I don't play that way.