Funny AF with Kevin Hart (2026) s01e05 Episode Script

1
[jazzy music plays]
[Kevin] I've been all across the country
looking for comedians
who have just got it.
This person is eventually going
to become one of us.
The next household name.
I wanna help
spark the next person of funny.
And after inviting the funniest
to Los Angeles…
say your goodbyes and your congrats
and everything,
to the ten that go,
congrats on getting
to the next step, okay?
[cheering]
-I don't wanna do it without you.
-[Kevin] We good, boo.
This is showbiz shit.
-We're down to just ten.
-[jazzy music continues]
[Kevin] Or so we thought.
What's going on, Andrea? Talk to me.
I'm quitting the show.
Like, are you sure?
And now for the top ten,
it's getting serious.
There's a life-changing
Netflix comedy special on the line.
So I brought the comics back to L.A.
to take on a comedy classic,
The Celebrity Roast.
[dramatic piano music plays]
-Dude, we're here, and it's so cool.
-I know.
-My goodness.
-Wow.
Ah, this is gorgeous.
-Wait, Winston got married.
-I did.
-Yeah!
-Yes.
She was like,
if you don't make the top ten,
-the wedding's off.
-[all laughing]
[Eva] Oh, Steve,
how your wedding prep going?
[laughs]
-It's still up in the air right now.
-What happened?
-Y'all pushed it back?
-Yeah, way back.
-How far back?
-Infinitely back.
-Okay.
-[Winston] Oh. Wow.
-That's great for Winston.
-Yeah.
[laughing]
Sorry, can I get your attention
real quick?
-Sure.
-Yes.
Unfortunately, Andrea Jin, uh, has decided
to drop out of the competition.
-Is she okay?
-[Bill] She's fine.
-She took herself out of it.
-Whoa.
[Bill] And just one more thing.
Somebody else will be
entering the competition.
-[Ron] Oh. Shit.
-[Ray] Yo.
I was annoyed.
I'm just like, what y'all doing?
Like, this is like the 12th hour.
Stop adding extra stress to my plate.
[Reg cheers]
[all cheering]
Brother's in the house!
[Ron] Damn!
I was the only Black guy, and now I'm not.
I tell you what, I love them,
but I felt like a KKK member.
Who's letting these niggas in?
Bro, I was in Cancun still trying to get
over the fact that I got kicked off.
Then they was like,
"Hey, you want to come back?"
I was like, "I'll leave right now."
I got to step it up, man.
I definitely feel
like I have a lot to prove to everyone.
[Kevin] And I'm not doing this alone.
Joining me, the queen
of the roast, Nikki Glaser.
Guys, how are you?
[Kevin] But she's not just here to judge.
She's also here to sharpen the skills
of the next generation.
I'm really here to talk
about the roast that you all have.
Nikki's the roast queen.
She's, in my opinion,
the best roaster of all time.
First, just wanna say,
open your mind to roasts
because they are such a great way
to showcase yourself
as a standup comedian.
The Tom Brady roast changed my life.
I am excited to have her
talk me through some stuff
because like all I want is her knowledge.
Embrace that for five minutes,
you get to truly be like a psychopath…
-[laughs]
-…and say like the darkest, worst stuff
that you would never even
maybe say in your act
because it would make you
so deeply unlikable.
I'm tired of hearing, "I don't do roasts."
"I just love standup comedy."
Well, roasts are standup comedy.
They're just jokes.
It's just a different format.
If you do a good showing on this,
it really is going to show the world
what you're capable of.
-[rock music plays]
-Yeah ♪
The greatest
It feels good, baby ♪
[rock music ends]
[jazzy music plays]
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage Kevin Hart.
[cheering]
Thank you.
Thank you.
[Kevin laughs]
Thank you.
Sit down, sit down.
Much appreciated.
So before we do anything,
I want to welcome you guys.
Yes, this is Funny AF.
-[cheering]
-[Kevin chuckles]
Guys, do me a favor, man.
Keep that same energy going
for my damn top ten right now.
-Show some love…
-[crowd cheering]
…to our top ten.
Woo!
Well, it's time
to take on a celebrity roast.
And at the end of the show,
eight of the top ten will move on
to the next round,
and two, well, two of these comics
will be going home. Yes.
-Yes, that's right.
-[crowd gasps]
It's unfortunate, but fuck it.
It has to happen.
-[crowd laughs]
-It has to happen.
It's a competition, okay?
But here's where it gets good.
Tonight is the roast of Marshawn Lynch.
-And joining me…
-[crowd cheering]
…one of the greatest roasters
in the business at the moment, man.
She is who I would like to refer to
as the new queen of roasts.
Do me a favor, guys.
-Give it up for Nikki Glaser!
-[crowd cheering]
[bass music plays]
[Kevin] So good.
[Nikki] Thank you.
-Wow.
-[Kevin] I love it.
Kevin, you literally changed my life
at the Tom Brady roast.
Because now I can't go within 200 feet
of Tom Brady, and that is…
-[chuckles]
-[Nikki] That's difficult for me.
And I know I'm supposed
to stay three feet away from you,
but with our height difference,
I feel like I am adhering to that tonight.
-[laughs]
-[crowd laughing]
I get to sit on this couch
with Marshawn Lynch and Kevin Hart.
What an honor.
Seriously,
my all-time dream two-and-a-half-some.
-I mean, this is…
-[chuckles]
-Thank you for letting me do this.
-Y'all show Nikki some love.
-Show her some more love right now.
-Thank you.
-[cheering]
-[Kevin] All right.
All right, let's keep it moving, guys.
Thirteen seasons in the NFL.
A Super Bowl ring
with the Seattle Seahawks.
The man ran through
and passed everybody that got in his way.
Ladies and gentlemen,
here is Beast Mode himself,
-Marshawn Lynch!
-[crowd cheering]
[dramatic music plays]
[Kevin] Marshawn Lynch, five Pro Bowls,
over 10,000 rushing yards,
a Super Bowl ring.
Beast Mode wasn't a nickname,
it was a warning.
But off the field,
a larger-than-life personality
with the big kid energy to match.
[laughs]
[Kevin] Winding up reporters
at press conferences,
lighting up the big screen.
Yeah. Hell yeah.
[Kevin] Now he's here.
And this time, the hits are different.
This is the roast of Marshawn Lynch.
[dramatic music ends]
Marshawn, these are just jokes.
You understand that?
-Beat the motherfuckers to a minimum.
-[Kevin] No, no, no, no, no.
I'm not a comedian.
-No, listen, no.
-I still beat ass.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, we made an agreement.
You told me you were gonna participate.
I wanna make sure
you don't plan on meeting
none of these people outside.
-This the 50-yard line right here, son.
-Yeah, okay, all right.
Anything you wanna say, man,
before we get active?
Let's get active.
-Let's get active.
-Let's get active.
Yes.
[Kevin] Now, look, you all know
that the prize for the winner
of this competition is your own
one-hour Netflix special.
That's right.
A Netflix special is the dream, guys.
It can change everything.
All right.
Are y'all ready for the great show?
-[cheering]
-[electronic music plays]
All right, then let's get it going.
First up, guys,
from New York, it's Usama Siddiquee!
[crowd cheering]
Keep it going,
keep it going, keep it going!
Wow!
This is amazing. Three stars.
And now for the man of the hour,
Marshawn Lynch.
Clap it up, Marshawn! Woo!
Marshawn Lynch, dude,
your last name is crazy.
Because it's the worst crime
involving your people.
-Jesus.
-That's like if my name was Usama Usama.
-[chuckles]
-[laughs]
Tread lightly, my boy.
Please don't kill me.
Listen… Oh, God.
Dude, you are huge.
You are fucking huge as fuck.
People say you look like Allen Iverson.
Bro, you look like if Allen Iverson
ate Allen Iverson. [chuckles]
Listen, it is okay to put on a few pounds
after leaving the NFL, but Jesus,
I didn't know you were gonna go
from Beast Mode to Breast Mode.
Jesus.
-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
-Yeah! Yeah!
-Marshawn! [laughs]
-Get him! Get him!
Yeah!
Marshawn, you have one Super Bowl
and two super jugs.
Dude, you went from Seahawk to C cup.
I am scared to hug you
at the end of this
because I don't want to go
to second base, I'll be honest.
Ray Lau, I'll tell you
what second base is later, I promise.
What is that?
People say
he's the Shohei Ohtani of comedy.
I'm like, "That's not true."
Ohtani has been to second base.
Felicia Folkes is here.
Clap it up. Oh, my God! Woo!
Felicia, if you're here,
then who's talking too loudly
on every Greyhound bus?
-[Kevin laughs]
-[Usama] Oh, my God.
The women here are amazing.
Caitlin Peluffo. Oh, my God.
-I'm Caitlin!
-Hilarious!
Caitlin was actually engaged
for many years.
It broke off, and now she's dating again.
Caitlin, you're like the Buffalo Bills.
No matter how many Black guys play
with you, you're never getting a ring.
[Usama wheezes]
Guys, the hilarious
Steve Furey, everyone. Clap it up.
You creepy-looking fuck.
You look like you joined ICE
because you already had
some kids in cages.
[laughs]
Doesn't Steve give that vibe?
Enough nobodies. Enough nobodies.
-Kevin Hart is here, clap it up.
-Good writing. Good fucking writing.
Woo! Kevin Hart. Listen, listen.
I don't want to do a bunch of short jokes,
so I think I'll do some long ones
about how tiny you are.
-Kevin, you are so small, like…
-Yeah.
…did someone leave you
in the dryer too long?
Like what the fuck is it?
But you are the man. Dude, I know
when you have sex, you get hard as a rock.
Sorry, I misspoke. I meant to say
hard inside The Rock. Sorry.
[laughs]
[Usama laughs] Guys, Marshawn
is an amazing football player. Amazing.
He retired from the NFL three times.
Marshawn, you are so unique.
The average Black man
only leaves his family once.
Marshawn, you're one
of the most amazing athletes.
I look up to you, dude.
You are the literal GOAT.
And a goat your size could feed
my entire family in Bangladesh.
Thanks for having me. You guys are great.
Thank you all so much.
-Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
-[crowd cheers]
Yeah.
-Woo! Oh, my God.
-Good job. Good job!
Okay, from New York,
it is Caitlin Peluffo!
Yes!
-Hi. Hi! Hi.
-[crowd cheering]
[Caitlin] Hello!
Marshawn, really, why are you here?
Did you think Kevin was a football?
[groans] Now,
I want to make sure you know,
I know you're not dumb.
I know you're very smart.
You went to UC Berkeley,
but you know, helmet hit hard, okay?
[Caitlin groans]
I swear, Marshawn has taken more shots
to the face than Nikki.
Yes, girl.
Now, I want to be clear.
That is not a cum joke.
-That is a Botox joke, okay?
-I knew it. I knew it.
Olivia Carter is a new friend.
Wave, Olivia. Hi.
Yes. Or as I like to call her,
anorexic Gandalf. [groans]
Between your super religious upbringing
and all that goth glam makeup,
girl, we get it,
you were molested, okay?
Another pasty weirdo,
Winston Hodges! Winston!
I gotta ask, Winston, if you're here,
who's scooping ice cream in the 1950s?
-[laughs]
-[Kevin laughs]
Oh, shit, you sure the fuck do look like…
Winston looks like
the youth pastor that fingered Olivia.
-[crowd gasps]
-[laughs]
Ron Taylor is here! Ron Taylor!
Ron is so funny.
He has so many jokes about hooking up
with women, all right?
I never understood how he got laid
so often, but then I realized,
oh, [chuckles] pity.
I mean, who wants to fuck
Ozempic Bernie Mac?
[Kevin] Oh, shit. Shit.
-Yeah.
-Anyway, Kevin Hart. Kevin.
Now, I also don't want
to make fun of your height
because I love a short king.
-I do. Yes. They are the best. Yes!
-[crowd cheering]
They are the best at eating pussy
because they need the nutrients. Uh…
That's why he's got so many muscles.
He's so strong.
[laughs]
Do it again. Do it again.
Why do you think Nikki's sitting
so close? Oh!
I like being this close to you, Marshawn.
I see that you're a little cross-eyed.
I like that. Yeah.
I think it's cute. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. I'm taking a look. Ooh!
Marshawn, let's make a little
mocha Travis Kelce, okay? [groans]
What the fuck?
Marshawn, I bet being cross-eyed
makes you great with the ladies
because you can talk
to two bitches at once. Oh!
Hey! [chuckles]
But really,
you are incredible, Marshawn, truly.
As a 49er fan,
I don't know what was more painful.
-[Caitlin groans]
-[crowd cheering]
I don't know what was more painful,
watching you beat us
or watching your "acting career." Oh!
But you are… you are so accomplished.
Your career is almost perfect.
It's spectacular,
but it's so close to being perfect.
-I just think about that last Super Bowl.
-Shut the fuck up.
Shut the fuck-- Leave the fuck--
-Think about it, Marshawn.
-Boo this woman!
Think about it, Marshawn.
You were so close, two-yard line,
seconds to go, and they threw the ball
for an interception instead
of handing it to you.
Imagine, imagine if you had scored
that touchdown, won that game,
you wouldn't have to be here.
Thank you, guys. That's it for me.
-Thank you.
-Good job.
-[crowd cheering]
-Good job.
Hell yeah. Killed it. Killed it.
That's real good. That's real good.
You crushed it.
-Yes, baby. Proud of you.
-Thanks, honey.
[bass music plays]
[Nikki] What's your biggest fear?
Generally, my comedy
is not very mean-spirited.
-So you're out of your comfort zone.
-I'm out of my comfort zone a little bit.
I'm just, like, really nervous
because I want to do a good job.
If you feel bad, say that.
I think it's almost more interesting
-when it's a nice guy…
-Yeah.
…delivering the stuff against his will.
Yeah. Yeah, definitely against my will.
-How are you feeling? How is all this?
-Yeah, yeah. Um…
My big thing is, again,
because my comedy is mostly about me,
I have a hard time, like, being mean.
Do you know what I mean?
-Yeah.
-Like, being mean to, like, a stranger.
Because I don't know Marshawn.
Well, I know him, of him,
but I don't know him personally.
-He asked for it.
-He asked for it. Okay.
-He signed up for this.
-Okay.
He can take these hits.
-He's a strong man.
-Okay.
-And this is your job.
-And this is my job.
The thing I love about roasts is, like,
I can say all these horrible things,
but at the end of it, people are like,
"I want to be friends with her."
Why? I should be locked up.
[crowd cheering]
[Kevin] We're going to keep it going.
From Arlington, Virginia,
here's Winston Hodges!
[crowd cheering]
Oh, man.
Oh. Thank you so--
What an amazing opportunity, man.
Kevin, thank you so much,
but what the fuck is this show?
You know what I mean?
Kevin, you make so much money,
you could help real fucking people, man.
Bro, fuck this show.
Build a children's hospital.
Oh, my God.
I mean, I'll be real with you, man.
I think you'd find a way to turn that shit
into a TV show too, dude.
Oh, my God. Wouldn't it be amazing?
Next season on Netflix,
Tommy wins a new leg
on Kevin Hart: Healthy AF.
-That was a nice piece of material.
-That was.
But now to the real reason for the season.
Make some noise
for Mr. Marshawn Lynch here, bro.
I'm so excited. I'm fucking excited, dude.
Do you know how fucking depressing it is
to roast a professional athlete
that has more television credits
than me? [laughs]
Every day, dude. I had no idea.
Imagine getting hit in the head
so many times you get to go into acting.
-Do you understand that?
-[Nikki laughs]
It turns out CTE just stands
for Casting Talentless Idiots.
And I know idiot starts with an I,
but Marshawn can't fucking read,
so be cool about it.
I love you three.
I love you three so much, man.
We got fucking Beast Mode, Least Mode…
Yeast Mode. [laughs]
Oh, man.
People have been making fun of my glasses.
It's true. I can't see shit,
because when I got up here,
I looked over here and saw these three,
and I thought
Nikki was finally famous enough
to have two Black African kids,
you know? [laughs]
So close.
Ray, your mustache
-is fucking ridiculous, man. It is.
-No, it's good.
Literally on anyone else in this room,
that mustache would make you look
like a pedophile.
On Ray, it just looks like
you're a little too old to touch.
[crowd laughing]
-You can't touch that. Yeah. Good.
-Yeah, that's good. Good.
Ron Taylor's only here
because he heard if he wins,
he gets to be
in the Jackson Five, you know?
[Winston laughs]
We got Felicia Folkes and Eva Evans here.
I'll tell you one thing, brother.
You're not gonna catch a man
dressed as a racist Southern lawyer
making fun of two Black women, okay?
It's not gonna happen, all right?
These women are Black, they are strong,
and they both have fat asses,
so they're okay by me. [chuckles]
-That's right, Felicia?
-Yup.
-That's right, girl.
-Yup. That's true.
-[Felicia] That's true.
-[Eva] That's right.
In 2010, Marshawn Lynch
actually got his backup quarterback
confused with a reporter.
Marshawn can't tell
fucking White people apart, man.
[laughing]
-[laughs]
-Tell it! [laughs]
[Winston] You can't tell us apart.
And that's why, Marshawn,
if you got a problem with these jokes
and you want to see me outside,
I need you to fucking remember…
my name is Steve Furey.
-[jazzy music plays]
-[crowd cheering]
[Kevin] Jesus. Man.
-I love this. I love this energy.
-We're killing.
-We're killing.
-The train doesn't stop now.
We got to keep it going.
From Los Angeles,
guys, here is Felicia Folkes!
Thank you, all. Thank you. Oh, my God.
I can't believe I'm here.
I know. I know. Thank you. Woo!
No, I can't believe I'm here.
I mean, it's like a complete honor.
I can't believe I get
to roast Marshawn Lynch, you know?
This would have been
really exciting in 2015.
[chuckles] Nikki Glaser is here.
I'm so happy she's here.
Nikki is truly my favorite living roaster.
I'm not joking. I love her so much.
A lot of people say we pretend
Nikki's funny because she's hot.
Not true. We know she's funny.
That's why we pretend she's hot.
You know what I mean?
[laughs] Thank you.
No, honestly, Nikki, it's fine.
I don't mind that you get a lot
of plastic surgery.
I think you look beautiful,
you know what I mean?
This is my thing. You do know
they do asses too, right? Like…
[laughs] I'll look into it.
Okay, wow. Seeing Marshawn and Nikki
on a couch like this,
it feels like the beginning
of a shitty porno, you know?
It's the beginning
of a shitty porno, really.
Like, look at them, you know?
It looks like Beauty and the Beast Mode,
you know?
-I'd watch it.
-I'd watch it… [laughs]
It does.
Don't worry, Nikki's such a slut,
she's used to fucking guys
that look like monsters.
Don't worry. Don't worry.
She likes beasts.
But I don't wanna roast you, Marshawn.
You know what I mean?
You my brother, I don't like--
I don't think Black people
should roast each other.
Black people gotta
stick together, you know?
I have your back, you know?
These guys, they don't
have your back, you know?
If Ray Lau's behind your back,
it's because he's following you
around the liquor store. You understand?
And Marshawn's not even
the most dangerous guy on the stage.
The most dangerous guy
on the stage is Steve Furey.
This guy right here.
Yeah, he's a real piece
of shit from Sacramento.
[crowd laughs]
Absolutely.
Steve, if you're here, who's outside
stealing my catalytic converter?
I don't know.
Honestly, I'm scared of Usama, too.
Usama Siddiquee up there.
He's the first
Indian fuckboy I've ever met.
[laughs]
Honestly. He looks like he'd charm a snake
and then ghost it.
[laughs]
-Damn.
-Good. Good.
-That's a good joke. That's a good one.
-He's a pretty boy.
But we're here
to talk about Marshawn Lynch, huh?
-Give it up for Marshawn. Absolutely.
-[crowd cheering]
Marshawn looks like someone
gave Whoopi Goldberg
the Super Soldier Serum.
No, I like your hair. I really do.
I like your hair. I like your locs. I do.
I feel like you look like T-Pain,
you know? You-- [chuckles]
-[groans]
-[Felicia] You do.
You look like T-Pain after your career
gave you CTE pain, you know?
[laughs]
But I do have a lot of respect for you.
I don't want to pretend
like I can't do what you can do.
You can't do what I can do.
Well, that's not true.
I can do what you can do.
[laughs]
I could definitely lose the Super Bowl
to the Patriots. That is…
Okay, thank you guys so much.
Have a good night.
-[jazzy music plays]
-[laughs]
Good shit, Felicia. Good shit.
Steady, bitch, I'll kill you.
[hip hop plays]
[Nikki] Is this something
you've done a lot of?
Um, I'm feeling good about the roast,
like, my jokes.
-Like, I believe in all my jokes.
-Yeah.
I know that I'm sort of
not a traditional roaster
'cause I'm kind of monotone.
So I don't know
if that'll be a strength or not.
It works in your stand-up.
You're made for this.
-Aw. Thanks.
-Yeah, your delivery--
Don't worry about your delivery.
Don't change anything about who you are.
-[Olivia] Yeah.
-How you feeling?
I feel like I wrote good jokes,
but not, like, ooh, jokes.
Okay, just go hard.
-I probably should.
-Do it.
Don't leave anything on the table.
Coming back into this competition,
I feel like I need to constantly
put the stamp that, like, I belong here.
Like, balls to the wall, man.
Like, make sure everyone remembers me.
I just want to know, like,
how you're feeling with this whole roast.
I think I'm kind of weak
on roasts of other people.
But I think I'm okay on Kevin,
and I think that's okay.
-Yeah, there's a lot there.
-Yeah, there is.
-I mean, there's not a lot there.
-Yeah.
-And that's what's there.
-[laughs]
I've been flexing a new muscle,
working on something new.
I just hope that it goes well.
-[rock music plays]
-Yeah, the greatest ♪
[rock music ends]
[Kevin] This next comic
is from Brooklyn, New York.
-Here is Olivia Carter!
-[cheering]
What do I say
about Marshawn Lynch, you know?
He's actually a good guy, you know?
He gives out turkeys on Thanksgiving.
This would be so much easier
if you just raped somebody.
-What the--
-[Nikki laughs]
Even if he did, I'd be like,
"Eh. He gave me a turkey," you know?
[laughs]
You haven't even publicly dated someone.
And I'm not saying
that you date White women in secret.
-I'm not saying that.
-[laughs]
[crowd cheering]
But if you do,
I'm willing to gain 100 pounds.
[laughs]
-[crowd cheering]
-Yeah.
Yeah. Shoot your shot.
I'm just kidding,
I'm more into basketball players.
I'd rather get cheated on than killed.
-Yes.
-You got a decision to make, baby.
[Kevin chuckles]
Steve Furey, this is the most positive
I've been that someone has paid for sex.
One, maybe two times. Maybe two.
And yes, Usama is from Bangladesh,
so he actually eats pussy with his hands.
[laughing]
-Oh, yeah. Yeah!
-That's right.
-Yeah!
-Holy shit.
Thinker, thinker.
That is a good joke.
Yeah, he's a whore. Um…
He even tells his right eye,
"I think we should see other people."
[Nikki laughs]
-Oh, my God.
-That's good.
That's a perfect lazy eye joke.
And it's too bad
you can't see Felicia Folkes' smile.
I love her smile.
Sort of reminds me of Nikki's diet,
you know, mostly gum.
-[Kevin laughs] Oh!
-[Nikki laughs]
And now for the man who's pitted us all
against each other, Kevin Hart.
-Yes!
-[crowd cheering]
Obviously, we all know
he had homophobic tweets
about smashing a dollhouse
over a gay kid's head,
but then where would you live, Kevin?
-[Nikki laughs]
-[laughs]
No, I think it's shitty Kevin
couldn't host the Oscars
because of a mistake from his past.
Kevin loves gay people,
even though they all got cut
and there are none on the stage tonight.
-Oh.
-[Kevin laughs]
[Kevin] That's good. That's fucking good.
Oh, fuck, man.
But Kevin, I hope you can still
have your moment
because, everyone,
I have here what would have been
his 2019 Oscar opening monologue.
-Great.
-[Olivia] Do we want to hear it?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yes.
Oh, my God.
-Good evening, faggots.
-[Usama] Oh, shit!
[Olivia] Sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I didn't read it before.
Oops. [laughs]
-Thank you so much.
-[Kevin] Yeah.
-[crowd cheering]
-[Nikki] She goes hard.
[groans] Oscar monologue killed me.
-That was insane.
-That was funny. That was very…
[laughs]
"Good evening."
Yeah. Yeah.
-[laughs]
-It was so good.
I thought she was really
gonna read a bunch of shit.
I was like… [laughs]
This next comic
was out of the competition,
but when another comedian dropped out,
he answered the call.
From New York, here's Reg Thomas!
[crowd cheers]
I want to thank Kevin Hart
for having me be a part
of this roast of Marshawn Lynch.
Kevin Hart is one of a kind.
He's the only Black man
in Hollywood who could crash a car
and walk away with a tequila brand.
[laughs]
Most niggas crash a car
and get a court date.
[Nikki laughs]
He promotes that tequila so much,
I thought the name of his last special
-was "Drink Responsibly."
-[Nikki laughs]
Which is hilarious,
because drinking responsibly
is the worst way
to enjoy a Kevin Hart film.
After three shots, you're like,
"This little nigga is funny."
But with that being said,
tonight is about Marshawn Lynch,
one of the greatest running backs
of all time.
[crowd cheering]
Marshawn, just based off your face alone,
I want to give you some crayon and glue,
just to see what you eat first.
[Nikki laughs]
Have y'all seen Marshawn
eating fucking Skittles? He's like…
[aggressive eating noises]
And here come White people,
"Oh, Marshawn."
And I'm like, "This nigga's slow."
That's 'tism.
-[laughs]
-Just a touch. Just a touch of the 'tism.
I'm going to now give my attention
to the whitest comedian on the stage.
-Usama Hussein Siddiquee.
-Oh, God. No-- Why? Oh, man, I'm so…
When it comes to Usama,
I feel so bad for his good eye.
That good eye works harder
than a single mother.
That good eye's like, "God damn!
Can I get some help around here?"
-"It's just me!"
-You're throwing down.
You're throwing down to my face.
-I'll… I'll get it fixed.
-[crowd laughing]
Next, we have Winston.
Winston's a really good guy.
I met Winston's wife this week,
and I'm gonna be honest,
I was shocked to find out
that Winston was married to a woman.
And then he asked me to fuck her in front
of him and I was like, "That tracks."
Next we have the horniest comedian
on the stage, Caitlin Peluffo.
You better believe it. [laughs]
Caitlin likes to get fucked in her ass
because her pussy smells worse.
[Olivia] Oh! Damn, bro!
-Holy fuck.
-My God.
-Good night.
-[cheering]
Dude, you crushed, that was killer.
From Los Angeles, California,
please make some noise for Ray Lau!
[crowd cheering]
What's up, people? How are ya?
Marshawn Lynch.
Marshawn Lynch, everybody. Man.
Marshawn chose the number 24
because that's
the biggest number he knows.
Kevin, I gotta be honest,
I just wanna say,
your comedy has been an inspiration
for my comedy for a very long time,
which is why I'm not successful yet, so I…
Oh, shit.
You're an inspiration.
It's my dream to become
a world-famous Verizon rep, too, you know?
-I want… I want that.
-[chuckles]
Kevin, honestly, I mean,
this whole show's been so amazing.
You know, they always tell me,
"Don't meet your heroes,"
so this show's been perfect, you know?
-[laughs]
-All right.
You know, I wanna give you credit--
props, Kevin. I mean,
people always forget
Kevin is a stand-up comedian first.
Okay? He's not just a shitty actor.
-[crowd gasps]
-[laughs]
[Ray] It's true.
I mean, people love to hate
on Kevin's comedy,
but Kevin has
nine stand-up comedy specials.
If you watch them all in order,
that's a good night's sleep, okay?
[laughs]
One of Kevin's comedy heroes
is Bill Cosby.
That's where he learned
how to put people to sleep, so…
-[crowd gasps]
-Okay. All right. All right.
-[Nikki laughs]
-[Kevin] Okay.
I mean, a lot of people here
have been making Asian jokes about me.
I mean, to be honest,
I'm not even really Asian.
I just need to squint
to see Kevin that far away.
[Nikki laughs]
[Ray] Oh, there you are. Okay, great.
I mean, Kevin, you look like
you get picked up by the armpits
to get your dick sucked. I don't know.
I don't know.
Doesn't it? I mean, just look at this.
Look at that.
I mean, Kevin, why do you always have
the same stupid face
for every movie poster?
He always looks like
The Rock just put it in. He's like…
[crowd laughing]
[chuckles] Every poster.
-Am I wrong?
-[Nikki laughs]
This is The Rock right behind him.
This is The Rock. This is The Rock.
-[Nikki laughs]
-Thanks, guys. I'm Ray Lau.
-Appreciate it so much.
-[Kevin] Good shit, Ray.
-Oh, man. Oh.
-[Nikki] You didn't do Marshawn at all.
[funky music plays]
Some of this stuff
is like borderline offensive.
-So I'm a little concerned about that.
-But that's what the job is.
Uh-huh.
Roasts are stand-up comedy.
They're just jokes.
It's just a different format.
-My fiancée and I split up.
-Are you ready to joke about it?
Yeah, she did leave when I got on Netflix.
It was a little bit odd.
She stuck through the mics.
-I know, you're supposed to leave her.
-Yeah, I was supposed to leave her.
I don't like roasting at all.
-Like, for real though.
-You know Steven broke up
-with his fiancée, right?
-True that.
So, you gotta hit on that.
You're really trying
to figure out weaknesses
in people's self-esteem
that you can exploit.
It is your job on a roast to go as hard
as possible and to offend people.
-That's the job.
-Tell you what,
who knew so much goes into roasting?
I didn't know it was
that much of an art form.
I thought it was just
making people feel bad.
-[laughs]
-I got a lot of work to do.
-[funky music ends]
-[crowd cheering]
Okay, guys, let's keep the train going.
From Brooklyn, New York,
-it's Eva Evans!
-[crowd cheering]
Hi, guys! [chuckles]
Thank you for having me.
Hello, everyone.
My name is Eva Evans,
and I'm the baddest bitch on this show.
-[crowd cheering]
-[laughs]
Well, I'm sorry, I'm the second
baddest bitch after Usama.
[Eva laughs]
I'm so happy to see my brother Reg here.
Love you, Reg.
Reg is so short and dark.
When he walked in, I thought he was
the ghost of the baby I miscarried.
-Jesus!
-[Nikki laughs]
[Eva] Marshawn!
Baby, I don't know shit about football,
but let me tell you this.
I was very excited to meet you
because my homegirl told me you were fine.
But now that I see you in person,
I think she meant to say you were fined.
-[crowd laughs]
-Yeah. [chuckles]
The NFL took
like over a milli from you, right?
Do you still have bread?
Do you have any money left?
Me and the gold diggers want to know.
Um… [chuckles]
Kevin, I am so grateful
for this opportunity.
-Thank you so much. I love you.
-You're welcome. You're welcome, Eva.
I'm also very jealous of you
'cause you got to kiss The Rock before me.
[Eva chuckles]
Y'all may not know this,
but Kevin was definitely
on Epstein's island,
but he was not mentioned in the files
because they thought
he was one of the kids.
-[Eva] Yeah.
-[laughs]
-[Eva] Yeah.
-[Nikki] Eva, that's nice.
-[Eva] Yeah.
-[Nikki] That's good.
My good sis, Felicia.
I'm so… [chuckles]
I'm so glad to see
that comedy's going well for you,
especially after you lost
your syrup bottle job.
-Y'all give it up for Aunt Jemima.
-Okay.
[Eva] Show her some love.
Show her some love.
Felicia gentrified her pussy.
-What-- I didn't.
-Yeah.
But luckily for your white boyfriend,
gout, diabetes, and high blood pressure
are not sexually transmitted.
-[laughs]
-Oh, my God.
Winston wears contacts and glasses
and still can't find the clit.
[Usama laughs]
I don't understand how he got married.
I really don't get it. I don't get it.
Winston is from a small Southern town.
When he introduced his wife to his folks,
they already knew her
from being her parents, too.
-Yeah, you married your sister.
-[laughs]
Usama, you look so damn good
in that suit, babe.
Usama is the only brown I want
in my panties.
-[laughing]
-[Felicia] Oh, my God.
Because I know that dick is bomb.
[laughing]
I'm talking out of this world…
Trade Center.
I don't know what's more lazy,
Felicia's personal trainer
or Usama's left eye.
[laughs]
My name is Eva Evans,
thank y'all for fucking with me.
Yes, yes, Eva, yes.
This next comic, from Detroit to Austin,
-y'all give it up for Ron Taylor!
-[crowd cheering]
Well, listen, there's a lot
of stars and stars-to-be here.
-Eva is here. Miss Eva.
-Eva!
I don't want to say nothing
that's going to get me Me Too,
-but if comedy don't work…
-[laughs]
-…and it won't…
-[laughing]
…just know I would not be your only fan.
Okay? [laughs]
Brother Winston Hodges.
Just remember
that I was nice to you, right?
Winston is going to get
a Netflix special one way or another.
It might be a murder documentary.
-But that shit coming.
-[laughing]
-That was so good. Wow.
-[laughs]
And of course, the man of the hour,
Marshawn Lynch. Yeah!
-Hell yeah.
-[crowd cheering]
Marshawn, a Seahawks legend,
right, right, right.
Brother Kevin, a big fan of the Eagles.
And Usama is a big fan
of the New York Jets.
Not the team. [laughs]
But the planes, okay. [laughs]
That's a 9/11 joke.
[Ron] Look.
Marshawn just got the aura
of a loose pit bull, dog.
Just make people scared.
I think that's why White women
love you, actually.
Because White women love
to rescue battered animals.
-[Marshawn laughs]
-So they… [laughs]
You're my boy.
[Ron] The lore of Marshawn Lynch
is very interesting.
It's like you was created
as a supervillain
by a racist nine-year-old.
He's a big, strong Black beast that
runs off of Hennessy and Skittles.
-Like, okay. [laughs]
-[laughs]
Marshawn was also
on The Great American Baking Show.
He got kicked off because he kept
putting weed in all the cookies.
-[Nikki laughs]
-[laughs]
It got weed in there.
It's fitting that he wears dreads,
because that's what
he fills White women with
when he walks next to them
down the street. [chuckles]
-I'm sorry. [laughs]
-[Nikki laughs]
Look, I'll be real.
Marshawn is the most Oakland person
in the world, dog.
Like, there's no doubt about that.
Like, Marshawn Lynch is what Ryan Coogler
turns into on a full moon.
[crowd laughs]
[Ron] In closing, look,
I want to thank Kevin Hart
for putting this together.
Kevin!
Kevin Hart looked like the slave you get
for free when you buy Marshawn Lynch.
-[laughs]
-[crowd laughing]
Oh, my God.
[laughs] It's one of the best jokes
I've ever heard.
Holy shit.
Just throw him in
to sweeten the deal, you know. [laughs]
That's good.
That's good.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm a strong believer
that whoever goes last on the roast
deserves the most goddamn energy
because you gotta go out with a bang.
We're at the last comic,
ladies and gentlemen.
-Can I get your energy in this building?
-[crowd cheering]
I'm gonna ask you again.
Can I get some energy
in the goddamn building one time?
[crowd cheering]
From Los Angeles, California,
make some noise for Steve Furey!
What is up? Yes!
Ladies and gentlemen,
Marshawn Lynch is a legend in the hood.
To the suburbs,
he's maybe one of the Ying Yang Twins?
[laughs]
Guys, Marshawn Lynch is so hood
that he got his entire NFL salary
through Cash App.
-[laughs]
-[Nikki laughs]
Winston, Cash App
is Venmo for Black people.
Black people are the people
you don't let your daughter date.
Yes! Give it up, guys.
Ladies and gentlemen,
your dumbest friend's
favorite comedian, Kevin Hart.
Kevin, if you're here,
who's currently filming
the worst movie I've ever seen?
Kevin's dad was an avid crack smoker.
What are the odds that he and his dad's
best friend would be The Rock?
-Good shit. I like it.
-Yeah, that's funny.
Guys, Kevin is the only person
to score a triple-double
in the Celebrity All-Star Game.
Ten points, ten assists, and 25 uppies.
[chuckles]
Ray Lau, great to see you.
Not a lot of people know this,
but Ray and Usama actually tied
in a "whose food can stink up
the break room worst" contest.
-[laughs]
-He won. He won it.
Guys, let's give it up for Usama,
or as the women he fucks call him,
-"Scumdog Millionaire."
-[laughs]
-Damn.
-By the way, Usama,
I love the TikToks,
especially the ones where you're cooking
with your feet on the street.
Oh, shit!
That yellow goop
you guys make looks exquisite.
[laughs]
Coincidentally, Ray's parents
are also Asian.
They're dishonored to be here tonight.
Oh! [chuckles]
Ray was supposed to follow
in his family's footsteps
of doing deep stretches in the park.
-[Nikki laughs]
-[Kevin laughs]
-That's fun.
-[laughs] That's so good!
Brooklyn's own Eva Evans, everyone.
How special.
Eva has been on BET,
Sirius XM, BuzzFeed, VH1,
and The Wendy Williams Show.
Folks, if there's something
you don't give a fuck about,
-Eva's been a part of it.
-[laughs]
Felicia Folkes, everybody,
one of the sweetest
and best people I have ever met.
Oh, my God. Wait-- Oh.
Oh, my God.
One of my best friends.
Felicia talks a lot about how
her hometown of Inglewood
is getting gentrified.
She's dating a White Jew.
Felicia, the call is coming
from inside the house.
Felicia looks
like an elementary school bus driver
that yells, "Y'all better not
be playing on this motherfucking bus!"
-[laughing]
-[crowd cheering]
-[Steve] You better not be.
-[laughs] Shit's crazy!
Guys, Ron lives in his van,
so he might be the first person
to have a Netflix special,
but not be able to afford the account.
[chuckles]
I'm actually surprised Ron
is here tonight.
He's usually at the library
charging up all his electronics.
Marshawn, a library
is where you read free books.
-Gotcha.
-A book is like a playbook,
but instead of pictures, they use words.
Words are the things you can't spell.
That's my time, everybody.
Thank you very much.
-[inspiring music plays]
-[crowd cheering]
[Kevin] Well deserved.
You guys all brought your form
of comedy to the style of roasting,
and that's what the challenge was about.
I want to give a big thanks
to Marshawn Lynch.
Now, Nikki and I,
we got to go make the hard decision
to see who's moving on,
and we got to also see who's going home.
Thank you guys so, so much. Good night!
-[inspiring music continues]
-[crowd cheering]
I'm so glad this shit is over.
Jesus, fuck.
They got the hardest job right now.
You thought roasting was hard,
but now trying to judge these guys.
Yeah, that's insane.
-All right.
-All right, this is it.
-This is just tough.
-Hey, it's tough. It's tough.
I liked all of them.
If you had to watch someone
do comedy right now,
-whose set do you want to watch?
-Usama was amazing.
-Hell yeah.
-[Kevin] He was very strong.
-[Nikki] Yeah, he's got it.
-I like his confidence.
He really does. Yeah, Felicia killed.
Caitlin fucking destroyed.
-[Kevin] Caitlin killed. Olivia killed.
-[Nikki] Olivia took some crazy chances
-and they paid off. She was great.
-She was great.
You know who was meaner
than I thought? Olivia.
Olivia was meaner than I thought she'd be.
I was like, ooh, shit.
-You're there for it.
-I said, damn.
Reg. I like the fact
that Reg got a call to come in.
But he was ready for the moment.
-He really was.
-What do we think about Eva?
Maybe her jokes weren't the best jokes
-of the night, but I'm left…
-Yeah, I don't think it was genius.
…after watching her set,
feeling like, I had such a good time.
To me, I liked her. Who was trash?
For me, it would probably be Ron.
[Nikki] Yeah, I think he did it
in his way, but his way was, it felt…
-Felt rushed. It didn't feel as prepared.
-The effort wasn't there.
He felt like he was phoning it in
a little bit.
I think he had the best joke of the night.
Bro, I think the slave joke
was the best joke of the night.
The slave joke was the best joke
of the night.
I think it was the best joke of the night.
It was literally amazing.
-I mean, Steve is an amazing comic, Steve.
-The thing with Steve is like,
he just had too much
and he didn't edit enough.
-[Nikki] It was like too much.
-[Kevin] Too wordy.
And he was delivering it all
down the barrel.
Yes.
I just wish Ray would have
had more hits about Marshawn.
I feel like he didn't hit you.
I don't think he embraced
the full capacity
-of the assignment of doing the roast.
-He didn't understand.
All right, Nikki, I appreciate you.
-Oh, my God.
-Yesterday you put in so much work.
It was so much fun.
I'm so proud of these guys.
When we talk about cutting players
and shit, this is exactly what we do.
Let me go and deliver the bad news.
Y'all go and get…
We absolutely put it out there today.
-And no matter what happens…
-We put it out there.
We made it to top ten.
That's it, we're winners.
Ready?
Uh, top ten on three.
-One, two, three.
-Top ten!
I feel good.
Overall, I feel good, you know?
It's a little nerve-wracking, obviously,
a little anxiety-inducing,
but that's par
for the course at this point.
[dramatic music plays]
I'm not a roaster. It's not my thing.
It's not my specialty. I don't do this.
Anything besides stand-up
is not my comfort zone,
so I'm feeling nervous, not gonna lie.
[Ray] I feel proud of my work today.
I know that I definitely put
my best out there.
This is a nightmare. I'm spiraling.
I'm joking. I'm fine. I feel great.
But I think the beauty
of what you guys did was embrace it.
You embraced the idea of it while
still staying true to your unique voice.
That's what the challenge was about.
This was a tough one,
but it's supposed to be.
If you didn't make it tough,
then that means
that you didn't really do your job.
All right, so eight spots get
to go into the next round.
Two of you will be going home.
I'll start off by naming the spots
that are being fulfilled
for the next round.
First name.
[dramatic beat]
Winston Hodges.
-Yeah.
-[Eva] Yeah, Winston.
Great set, man.
Very well written, strong performance.
Caitlin.
Your personality seemed to get stronger,
and the audience was in your hand.
Olivia.
You're a great example, I think,
of what I mean when I say,
stay true to yourself,
and I was very impressed
at how you approached the podium.
Felicia.
-[Usama] Good job!
-[Eva] Great job, mama.
I like how you kept it very personable.
-Usama.
-Yeah.
The first comic out the gate,
you set the tone.
You really came out with a bang.
I'm also gonna put through Reg, man.
-Ooh, my boy.
-[Eva] Wow. Yeah.
Hey, man, you came in prepared.
You didn't look
like a guy that was an alternate.
So congrats to you
for seizing the fucking moment.
[Kevin] All right, with two spots left.
I think between the last four,
I can say that the conversation
was very much aligned with you all.
Nobody had a flat line. Nobody bombed.
Steve, I'll tell you, I'll be honest,
your set didn't start off strong.
-No.
-But you had a nice build,
and I liked that you stayed in the pocket.
Ron, I think that you could have
went a little deeper
into the comedy bag that Ron possesses.
Eva, here's what I'm going
to say about you, man.
You have a very raw,
"I don't give a fuck, I'm confident
in what I am and who I am."
I did want to see more of you staying
on the jokes
and not moving through it so fast.
Ray. You didn't hit the dais.
You didn't hit Marshawn,
but were you funny?
Fuck yeah, you were funny.
All right, two people move
on to the next round.
This is not an easy decision.
My next choice to go through is…
[“Backwarz” by Jessie Chambers playing]
Say they ready for the show
I don't know, I don't know ♪
Hit another stage
Gotta go, gotta go ♪
Turned another page
Other chapter long ago ♪
Handling this business
Like a pro, like a pro ♪
Stay authentic, we gone get it
We drop in it, represented ♪
We jumped in it, gotta keep it hot
With the true sauce in it ♪
Never gone stop, that's proof we wit it
Never gone stop, we will never quit it ♪
Never gone stop
This just the beginning ♪
Never gone stop
You thought that it ended, admit it ♪
[“Backwarz” stops playing]