G'wed (2024) s01e05 Episode Script
The Juliet OG
1
GROANING,
STRAINING
AIMEE: Dad?
Dad?
Ben Tyldesley.
Ben Tyldesley!
Get in!
HE LAUGHS
How could I forget the name
of the first boy
lucky enough to kiss my little girl?
Good old Ben Tyldesley.
Bloody hell!
Aimee, that's strong stuff,
that, innit?
Oh!
It's making my eyes go all blurry.
Are yours?
A bit, yeah.
But it says online it helps.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's been really helping me out,
that, love. Nice one.
Yeah. Here y'are, look
When I wanna roll a spliff,
I don't have to get up now.
HE LAUGHS
Think you're funny, do you?
I do, yeah.
Look, seriously, though, you need
to get back to school today.
You've been off for two weeks.
OK? I don't need you here
looking after me. I'm fine.
Right, I'm going for a number two.
Argh!
Oh, eh, ooh!
HE LAUGHS
Fuck off!
I'm sorry, love.
Look at his hair.
Look at the way his chin
kinda points upwards.
Look at the way he desperately wants
to hire a gardener.
BOYS LAUGH
Look at the way his face
is telling me he owns a painting
of his great-great-grandad.
THEY LAUGH
Lad, I'm only messing, lad.
You seem all right for a posh boy.
You seem all right
for Reece's cousin.
I thought you were gonna turn up
with six Primark bags
and three kids.
My missus
doesn't let me see me the kids
since I got caught robbing
from Primark.
Ooh.
Shouldn't have said that.
I'm having you on, you div!
THEY LAUGH
Had you going there, lad.
Yeah, don't worry, sis.
He's gonna be fine here with me
for the week, yeah.
I'll make sure
he stays out of trouble. Exactly.
Best to get him away
from those bad-influence,
scumbag, thieving, feral, awful,
dirty mates of his, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. No.
We all know he wouldn't have stolen
it if it wasn't for them.
Get on this, lads. When I was
on my own before, I took these.
I was coming back from the shop,
and there was a delivery van,
and when the fella took a parcel
into the house,
I jumped into the back
and nabbed 'em.
You can always tell which ones
are the new iPhones
because they come in a box
that's rectangle like an iPhone.
Your lucky day, lads!
Santa, me!
I haven't got one for you, mate,
but you've probably got one,
haven't you?
I actually don't, cos I employ
"ye ma" to text for me.
THEY LAUGH
I didn't bring a jacket.
What, you want me
to freeze my tits off?
No, don't worry.
I won't say a word to my mum.
She knows exactly how important
your reputation is to your career.
And our Reece, yeah.
No, he won't say a word, even though
he can be a right blabbermouth.
OK, honey, all right.
Love you, bye!
Mum, are you sitting down?
Cos you're not gonna believe this.
Our Tyreece,
he's been caught shoplifting again!
Yes, I know, Mum, it's shocking!
He's on his final warning, mm-hm.
It's Steph's fault. She's completely
lost control of him.
She's lost the dressing room, Mum!
Hey! One and you're through!
For any newcomers,
here's the rules
There are no rules.
Argh! Argh!
Bit hard that, Pat.
Brexit means Brexit, Connor.
'It's making
my eyes go all blurry. Are yours?'
There she is now!
She's bonkers
She got no shame?
Yo!
She's been off for, like, two weeks.
Rat, her, like.
Wrong 'un.
I'd have just switched country, me.
You heard what she said about my ma?
I'd be mortified if I was her.
Rat! Bang out of order.
Thus bescreened in night,
so stumblest upon my counsel?
By a name I know not
how to tell thee who I am.
SLOW CLAPPING
POSH ACCENT:
Splendid, Grace, darling.
You used so many techniques
all in one line.
IN OWN ACCENT:
Although you forgot the technique
where you bend over and stick
your head up your own arse.
LAUGHTER
Christopher, I love the choice
you've made to play Romeo
like a gormless prick.
That's right, I'm back, bitches.
The Juliet OG.
The big dog's back.
I'm really glad you're back, Aimee.
It takes a lot of courage to return
after what you did.
Off you pop, pouty.
Let me show you how Juliet's done.
Go 'ead, girl!
Art thou not, Romeo, a Montague
and the coward who believeth
that I would be'est so horrible
as to posteth a TikTok video
slagging off everyone
in this school?
That's not
Can we just do the scene?
Aimee!
Aimee! Whilst you've been away,
everyone's been working really hard.
I need to know your head's
in the right place.
Er, that's discrimination,
that, sir.
She's clearly got
some kind of mental health issues.
Do you not believe
in mental health, sir?
Love creating mental health stigma,
do you, sir?
Can't see it so doesn't exist, sir?
Your dad told you to man up
so you've suppressed your emotions
all your life, sir?
You wanna lock her in an asylum
like it's the 1950s
instead of helping her, sir?
No!
STIFLED LAUGHTER
Done a course.
Because of your 1950s attitude, sir?
No! Just Just try
to get better quickly, please.
But also in your own time.
Your recovery is the most important
thing, so
But also, it is opening night
on Wednesday, so
Hey!
Are you actually all right,
though, girl?
Where is it?
My mum's wedding ring!
I still find it mad
that she was from Liverpool
but managed to produce
such a floppy-haired, posh meff.
Nobody else has been in my room!
but you might get a bird in there
one day.
You were the only person
that knew where I kept it!
Maybe Pat knew?
Don't rule her out,
she's desperate for cash.
She offered herself sexually to me.
We couldn't agree on a price,
though,
cos, you see,
I wanted a kiss on the lips,
but she was worried
such a degree of intimacy
might turn us into a relationship.
It's not funny! You know how much
that ring means to me.
Oh, my God!
Is that what you think of me?
What do you want me to think
when you do this?
I stuck my neck on the line for you.
Do you think anyone
would have been mates
Oh, thank you so much, Reece!
Oh, here, take my watch, too,
as long as we can still be mates!
I could never be mates
with someone like you.
It was never gonna work, lad.
Like Vardys and Rooneys.
Scousers and Mancs.
Normal lads
and posh helmets like you!
Get on the other side of the road,
you muppet!
I'm a bellend.
Don't you mean
"I'm a complete bellend"?
Aimee.
Morris.
What will she do?
Worry about
what the dickheads think of her?
Or show them the amazing actress
she really is?
Will there be dirty looks
from those watching?
Probably.
Or will she give
a stunning performance?
Definitely.
Oh, Aims, I always know
when you're not all right.
We know the truth, so who cares
what everyone else thinks?
Don't hide. Just do this for you.
Or option two,
I'll just make a TikTok video
slagging everyone off,
and I will destroy lives.
Takes the heat off you, innit?
OK, but option two's always there
if you do change your mind, girl.
THEY CHUCKLE
I'm passing the phone to the boy
who's the face
of the Stop The Boats campaign.
I'm passing the phone
to the lad who's so posh,
he thinks he has to apologise
for British colonisation.
I am so sorry
for my ancestors' behaviour.
I'm passing the phone
to the lad who, unlike me,
can't tell the difference between
a dessert spoon or a teaspoon.
I'm passing the phone
to the lad who, when he was 12,
got caught by his auntie
wanking to Jasmine off Aladdin.
THEY LAUGH
What's funny?
# A whole new world!
# A new fantastic point of view! #
THEY LAUGH
Nah, Tyreece got us doing
the pass-the-phone challenge.
Oh, sound. Let's go again.
We're finished with that now, lad.
Yeah.
I've gotta go for my tea anyway.
Lad, you are sick!
THEY LAUGH
Ah!
Come on, Ted.
Can I come yours, Ted?
See you in a bit, lad.
Oh, nice one, man.
I'll see you in a bit, lad, yeah?
They new webs, lad?
Yeah, I treated myself. I've endured
a very stressful time recently.
Haven't you just been
on a skiing trip?
Two-hour delay on the way back, lad.
Is that a new jacket?
What, you like it? It's like yours
but a better version.
You took his ring, didn't you?
What did you do, pawn it?
It was worth 500 quid! Buzzing.
Lad, it was his mum's ring.
She died.
Well, that's bang on,
that is, innit,
but a ring's
not gonna bring her back.
Yeah, used to.
I sold it for 50 quid.
Acceptance, mate.
One of the stages of grief.
Well, lad, he thinks it was me.
So we're taking your stuff back.
Nah, are we fuck! I'm well within
my rights to have all this stuff.
He probably gets new clobber
every week.
He's not as rich as you think he is.
Why do you think he's here?
Yeah, well, he defo thinks
he's better than us.
Are you two bezzies or something?
Oh! I thought I seen you two
giving each other the eyes,
the pre-bum eyes.
Are you mad? You're on a caution.
Aw. Reckon he's gonna make you
wear a condom tonight now, lad?
Lad, I'm being serious!
Look, are we just gonna sit back
and let the rich get richer?
Isn't your ma
some marketing manager?
Deputy marketing manager!
And what are you
bringing that up for?
You know she was in bits
when she didn't get it.
About 250.
But I was planning
a little a la carte dining session
at Bella Italia, on me,
if you want, lad?
Nah. You're giving it to me.
Cos then I've gotta find another
250 quid to buy it back for him.
Yeah. You probably need
a bit more on top of that, like.
It's how the pawn shop
makes their money.
Yeah, I know, lad.
Jesus wept.
Oh, yeah!
Hang on a minute, here y'are.
Here!
What the fuck
do you want 300 quid for?
Sixth formers only, dickhead.
But I'm offering you
a first-look deal
on coming round
for my ma's teas for two months,
no Mo or Ted.
It's an enticing offer
Erm, I accidentally broke
Ted's laptop,
and he said I need to buy him
a new one.
Ted, babe! Come here.
# Money talks, mm-hm #
# Money talks #
300 quid, I'm gonna need a nude.
Yeah?
Come here.
Listen, you. Accidents happen.
Like I could accidently bury
your head in this bolognese sauce.
Mum?
Do you feel me?
Yeah!
# Money talks #
Vile.
Fuck off, lad.
Say hi to your ma.
Fixed it.
How am I gonna get a nude
off my own ma?
That's your problem, mate.
# Money talks, mm-hm
Money talks #
Gutted!
'Ah, you're gonna be
amazing tonight, girl.'
Are you sure it's gonna be OK?
'Trust me,
you're gonna absolutely smash it
'cos you're
my little Janet Jackson.'
'Oh.
'Anyways, I'd better finish
my make-up.
'I'll see you soon,
and don't worry, girl.'
Thanks, girl. I'll see you later.
Dad! I'm going now.
SHE SIGHS
Dickhead!
Where is she?
Sir, she's coming! Chill your boots.
'I'm sorry, but the
person you called is not available.'
Sitting off in a pub?
Is she having a laugh?
Aw. It's not surprising.
Poor girl's got issues.
Let's just hope
she doesn't turn into a drunkard.
Hey did you just hear that?
The gimp who hacked Aimee's TikTok
called Lucy Gill
a drunkard in the video. So?
Well, not many people in this school
would use that word, love.
They'd just say,
"Pisshead, her, like."
Hey Grace.
Do you know,
it looks like you're right, girl.
Aims has got issues,
and she's let us down.
Mr Dunn's asked, would you stand in
and be our Juliet?
Oh! Oh, my God!
I will, for all of us.
Nice one. Hey, do you want me
to take a pic of you?
Aw, our new Juliet.
Hey! Excuse me, what are you doing?
LOCK CLICKS
Give me my phone back!
MUFFLED: Excuse me!
This is illegal, you know!
'..dad is in prison
'and her mum
is a drunkard crackhead' Eeh!
..but the most tragic thing about
her is' Oh, watch what happens!
Hey! It was you!
The video's on your phone,
you little scruff!
She's completely just made that up!
Another one lost the plot.
You coming to get her, posh bellend?
I mean, I don't get it,
but for some reason, she likes you.
I think I'm the last person
she wants to see.
I mean, you are right, love,
but she's only upset with you
because she likes you.
But, like, I really, really
do not get what she sees in you.
Thanks.
HE LAUGHS,
APPLAUSE
He's back!
Bloody hell!
We don't see you for ages,
and you come back
looking like death's door Elvis!
LAUGHTER
Aw, listen, I'm sorry, everyone.
I'm sorry I haven't been doing
my regular slot for a while.
It's just Well, I had a bit
of bad news, to be honest with you.
Aww.
Yeah.
I was diagnosed
with primary progressive MS.
It's all right.
We had a Johnny Cash tribute
in here. Amazing.
It's like being in the room
with him.
LAUGHTER
WOMAN: And your act was getting
quite a bit boring, mate.
Quite a bit boring, Barbara?
Well, no-one forces you
to come, love!
LAUGHTER
Oh, do you know what?
One of you said to me there
in the toilet,
"I thought you were dead, lad."
I'll be honest with you.
Sometimes, it's felt like that.
So sorry, lad.
But see that beauty there?
That's our Aimee.
She's been the strong one
through all this, not me.
She sorted me some weed,
which, you know,
really helps with the pain,
and she, er she even made me
this walking cane.
But I refuse to use it because then
it's like all this is real.
I wanna be the man of house
and take care of her,
but now I've got these fears
that my body's gonna let me down.
And I don't wanna let you down,
love.
Oh, God, listen to him.
Right. Give me that.
I also got him the weed
to make him sleepy,
because when he's awake,
he does my head in.
LAUGHTER
Is there any need for you?
I've just been pouring
my bloody heart out here!
Have you got any idea
what it's like living with you?
Every time I try and help, he moans.
Tell 'em all about that.
That's cos
I don't want your help, love.
And I don't want to be helping you
off the bathroom floor at 4am
cos you fell.
I wanna be helping Mia-Louise
into bed at 4am
cos she's pissed out of her face
after a boss night with me.
Oh!
I don't want to be missing school
because I'm walking around shops
looking for fennel seeds
cos you can't shit.
All right.
I wanna be in school,
enjoying myself.
But I help you because I love you.
Aw.
So we need to deal with it together,
the best that we can.
I get it, love, I do. I get it.
Look can I have my hug now?
Oh!
Cos you can start with listening
to me about using this cane.
Cane! Cane! Cane!
Cane! Cane!
Cane! Cane! Cane! Cane!
Cane! Cane! Cane! Cane!
Cane! Cane! Cane! Cane!
All right! All right, OK, OK.
Oh!
I'll give it a go.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hey, it's not bad, that.
Getting Willy Wonka vibes, though.
Willy Wanker vibes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I love you.
Your dad's got M&S?
MS. M&S is Marks & Spencer.
All right, smart arse.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear about that,
Wayno, love.
Hey, come on. Tell me all about it.
Mine's a vodka and Coke. A double.
You may have ruined your chance
to be Juliet,
but if they're looking to cast
a Scouse Florence Nightingale,
you're their girl.
Who's Florence Nightingale?
She was this nurse who, during
Look, I'm sorry we doubted you
about the TikTok video.
We found out it was Grace
that hacked you.
I suppose it makes sense.
It's just,
you were acting so strange.
Why didn't you say something?
It's not exactly the best
conversation-starter, is it?
"Hey, my dad's got MS, and I have
no idea how to handle it."
I don't know if there is
a right way to handle it,
but you could try talking to me.
It's good to share.
Look, you know the only reason
why I get away with being Romeo
is because you're so good,
you make me feel
like I'm in the moment.
It's too late. The play has started.
There'll be other plays.
Just promise me you'll do them.
I promise.
This one's for you, Barbie.
# Lord Almighty
I feel my temperature rising #
Come on, everybody!
Uh-huh-huh.
LAUGHTER
PHONE CHIMES
I knew it was you.
What's wrong with you?
Reece, get out here! I've been
looking for you, you slippery shite!
What were you doing on Monday,
you thieving toerag?
Really?
Because someone saw you
scuttling back to our house
like the rat you are!
What else have you stole?
Nothing!
Mum, it wasn't me! I swear to God!
Then how come you're wearing
the same jacket
as the lad on the CCTV footage?
The CCTV footage I've just had
the fucking joy of watching
down the police station!
It's probably a coincidence!
I don't believe
in coincidences, lad,
but I do believe
in thieving gobshites!
That's what?
That's what, Reece?
That's me, yeah.
Yeah, you look like that, lad,
because you've just humiliated me
and our little family.
You're unbelievable.
Nice one.
Proper grateful for that, lad.
I don't know why I do it, you know.
I don't wanna hurt anyone.
I know,
but you need to stop it, lad.
You're right, you know, lad.
Hey, look, as a thanks, let me
get you a Domino's.
I've got my ma's credit card
saved to my Google account.
Lad, you can't keep
Just put some Chicken Kickers
on there, lad.
'Oh, for fuck's sake, Mum!'
Yeah, well, good news
travels fast, don't it?
Who told you?
Steph? Yeah, well, she's not one
to be gossiping, is she?
I have not lost the dressing room,
Mum!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
BOOING
This is going straight on TikTok.
From now on,
don't come past this line, OK?
And keep YOUR ball on YOUR side!
VAR decision.
Er, still kicks the ball
like a two-year-old.
VAR decision.
Erm, backstabbing thief!
Knobhead!
GROANING,
STRAINING
AIMEE: Dad?
Dad?
Ben Tyldesley.
Ben Tyldesley!
Get in!
HE LAUGHS
How could I forget the name
of the first boy
lucky enough to kiss my little girl?
Good old Ben Tyldesley.
Bloody hell!
Aimee, that's strong stuff,
that, innit?
Oh!
It's making my eyes go all blurry.
Are yours?
A bit, yeah.
But it says online it helps.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's been really helping me out,
that, love. Nice one.
Yeah. Here y'are, look
When I wanna roll a spliff,
I don't have to get up now.
HE LAUGHS
Think you're funny, do you?
I do, yeah.
Look, seriously, though, you need
to get back to school today.
You've been off for two weeks.
OK? I don't need you here
looking after me. I'm fine.
Right, I'm going for a number two.
Argh!
Oh, eh, ooh!
HE LAUGHS
Fuck off!
I'm sorry, love.
Look at his hair.
Look at the way his chin
kinda points upwards.
Look at the way he desperately wants
to hire a gardener.
BOYS LAUGH
Look at the way his face
is telling me he owns a painting
of his great-great-grandad.
THEY LAUGH
Lad, I'm only messing, lad.
You seem all right for a posh boy.
You seem all right
for Reece's cousin.
I thought you were gonna turn up
with six Primark bags
and three kids.
My missus
doesn't let me see me the kids
since I got caught robbing
from Primark.
Ooh.
Shouldn't have said that.
I'm having you on, you div!
THEY LAUGH
Had you going there, lad.
Yeah, don't worry, sis.
He's gonna be fine here with me
for the week, yeah.
I'll make sure
he stays out of trouble. Exactly.
Best to get him away
from those bad-influence,
scumbag, thieving, feral, awful,
dirty mates of his, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. No.
We all know he wouldn't have stolen
it if it wasn't for them.
Get on this, lads. When I was
on my own before, I took these.
I was coming back from the shop,
and there was a delivery van,
and when the fella took a parcel
into the house,
I jumped into the back
and nabbed 'em.
You can always tell which ones
are the new iPhones
because they come in a box
that's rectangle like an iPhone.
Your lucky day, lads!
Santa, me!
I haven't got one for you, mate,
but you've probably got one,
haven't you?
I actually don't, cos I employ
"ye ma" to text for me.
THEY LAUGH
I didn't bring a jacket.
What, you want me
to freeze my tits off?
No, don't worry.
I won't say a word to my mum.
She knows exactly how important
your reputation is to your career.
And our Reece, yeah.
No, he won't say a word, even though
he can be a right blabbermouth.
OK, honey, all right.
Love you, bye!
Mum, are you sitting down?
Cos you're not gonna believe this.
Our Tyreece,
he's been caught shoplifting again!
Yes, I know, Mum, it's shocking!
He's on his final warning, mm-hm.
It's Steph's fault. She's completely
lost control of him.
She's lost the dressing room, Mum!
Hey! One and you're through!
For any newcomers,
here's the rules
There are no rules.
Argh! Argh!
Bit hard that, Pat.
Brexit means Brexit, Connor.
'It's making
my eyes go all blurry. Are yours?'
There she is now!
She's bonkers
She got no shame?
Yo!
She's been off for, like, two weeks.
Rat, her, like.
Wrong 'un.
I'd have just switched country, me.
You heard what she said about my ma?
I'd be mortified if I was her.
Rat! Bang out of order.
Thus bescreened in night,
so stumblest upon my counsel?
By a name I know not
how to tell thee who I am.
SLOW CLAPPING
POSH ACCENT:
Splendid, Grace, darling.
You used so many techniques
all in one line.
IN OWN ACCENT:
Although you forgot the technique
where you bend over and stick
your head up your own arse.
LAUGHTER
Christopher, I love the choice
you've made to play Romeo
like a gormless prick.
That's right, I'm back, bitches.
The Juliet OG.
The big dog's back.
I'm really glad you're back, Aimee.
It takes a lot of courage to return
after what you did.
Off you pop, pouty.
Let me show you how Juliet's done.
Go 'ead, girl!
Art thou not, Romeo, a Montague
and the coward who believeth
that I would be'est so horrible
as to posteth a TikTok video
slagging off everyone
in this school?
That's not
Can we just do the scene?
Aimee!
Aimee! Whilst you've been away,
everyone's been working really hard.
I need to know your head's
in the right place.
Er, that's discrimination,
that, sir.
She's clearly got
some kind of mental health issues.
Do you not believe
in mental health, sir?
Love creating mental health stigma,
do you, sir?
Can't see it so doesn't exist, sir?
Your dad told you to man up
so you've suppressed your emotions
all your life, sir?
You wanna lock her in an asylum
like it's the 1950s
instead of helping her, sir?
No!
STIFLED LAUGHTER
Done a course.
Because of your 1950s attitude, sir?
No! Just Just try
to get better quickly, please.
But also in your own time.
Your recovery is the most important
thing, so
But also, it is opening night
on Wednesday, so
Hey!
Are you actually all right,
though, girl?
Where is it?
My mum's wedding ring!
I still find it mad
that she was from Liverpool
but managed to produce
such a floppy-haired, posh meff.
Nobody else has been in my room!
but you might get a bird in there
one day.
You were the only person
that knew where I kept it!
Maybe Pat knew?
Don't rule her out,
she's desperate for cash.
She offered herself sexually to me.
We couldn't agree on a price,
though,
cos, you see,
I wanted a kiss on the lips,
but she was worried
such a degree of intimacy
might turn us into a relationship.
It's not funny! You know how much
that ring means to me.
Oh, my God!
Is that what you think of me?
What do you want me to think
when you do this?
I stuck my neck on the line for you.
Do you think anyone
would have been mates
Oh, thank you so much, Reece!
Oh, here, take my watch, too,
as long as we can still be mates!
I could never be mates
with someone like you.
It was never gonna work, lad.
Like Vardys and Rooneys.
Scousers and Mancs.
Normal lads
and posh helmets like you!
Get on the other side of the road,
you muppet!
I'm a bellend.
Don't you mean
"I'm a complete bellend"?
Aimee.
Morris.
What will she do?
Worry about
what the dickheads think of her?
Or show them the amazing actress
she really is?
Will there be dirty looks
from those watching?
Probably.
Or will she give
a stunning performance?
Definitely.
Oh, Aims, I always know
when you're not all right.
We know the truth, so who cares
what everyone else thinks?
Don't hide. Just do this for you.
Or option two,
I'll just make a TikTok video
slagging everyone off,
and I will destroy lives.
Takes the heat off you, innit?
OK, but option two's always there
if you do change your mind, girl.
THEY CHUCKLE
I'm passing the phone to the boy
who's the face
of the Stop The Boats campaign.
I'm passing the phone
to the lad who's so posh,
he thinks he has to apologise
for British colonisation.
I am so sorry
for my ancestors' behaviour.
I'm passing the phone
to the lad who, unlike me,
can't tell the difference between
a dessert spoon or a teaspoon.
I'm passing the phone
to the lad who, when he was 12,
got caught by his auntie
wanking to Jasmine off Aladdin.
THEY LAUGH
What's funny?
# A whole new world!
# A new fantastic point of view! #
THEY LAUGH
Nah, Tyreece got us doing
the pass-the-phone challenge.
Oh, sound. Let's go again.
We're finished with that now, lad.
Yeah.
I've gotta go for my tea anyway.
Lad, you are sick!
THEY LAUGH
Ah!
Come on, Ted.
Can I come yours, Ted?
See you in a bit, lad.
Oh, nice one, man.
I'll see you in a bit, lad, yeah?
They new webs, lad?
Yeah, I treated myself. I've endured
a very stressful time recently.
Haven't you just been
on a skiing trip?
Two-hour delay on the way back, lad.
Is that a new jacket?
What, you like it? It's like yours
but a better version.
You took his ring, didn't you?
What did you do, pawn it?
It was worth 500 quid! Buzzing.
Lad, it was his mum's ring.
She died.
Well, that's bang on,
that is, innit,
but a ring's
not gonna bring her back.
Yeah, used to.
I sold it for 50 quid.
Acceptance, mate.
One of the stages of grief.
Well, lad, he thinks it was me.
So we're taking your stuff back.
Nah, are we fuck! I'm well within
my rights to have all this stuff.
He probably gets new clobber
every week.
He's not as rich as you think he is.
Why do you think he's here?
Yeah, well, he defo thinks
he's better than us.
Are you two bezzies or something?
Oh! I thought I seen you two
giving each other the eyes,
the pre-bum eyes.
Are you mad? You're on a caution.
Aw. Reckon he's gonna make you
wear a condom tonight now, lad?
Lad, I'm being serious!
Look, are we just gonna sit back
and let the rich get richer?
Isn't your ma
some marketing manager?
Deputy marketing manager!
And what are you
bringing that up for?
You know she was in bits
when she didn't get it.
About 250.
But I was planning
a little a la carte dining session
at Bella Italia, on me,
if you want, lad?
Nah. You're giving it to me.
Cos then I've gotta find another
250 quid to buy it back for him.
Yeah. You probably need
a bit more on top of that, like.
It's how the pawn shop
makes their money.
Yeah, I know, lad.
Jesus wept.
Oh, yeah!
Hang on a minute, here y'are.
Here!
What the fuck
do you want 300 quid for?
Sixth formers only, dickhead.
But I'm offering you
a first-look deal
on coming round
for my ma's teas for two months,
no Mo or Ted.
It's an enticing offer
Erm, I accidentally broke
Ted's laptop,
and he said I need to buy him
a new one.
Ted, babe! Come here.
# Money talks, mm-hm #
# Money talks #
300 quid, I'm gonna need a nude.
Yeah?
Come here.
Listen, you. Accidents happen.
Like I could accidently bury
your head in this bolognese sauce.
Mum?
Do you feel me?
Yeah!
# Money talks #
Vile.
Fuck off, lad.
Say hi to your ma.
Fixed it.
How am I gonna get a nude
off my own ma?
That's your problem, mate.
# Money talks, mm-hm
Money talks #
Gutted!
'Ah, you're gonna be
amazing tonight, girl.'
Are you sure it's gonna be OK?
'Trust me,
you're gonna absolutely smash it
'cos you're
my little Janet Jackson.'
'Oh.
'Anyways, I'd better finish
my make-up.
'I'll see you soon,
and don't worry, girl.'
Thanks, girl. I'll see you later.
Dad! I'm going now.
SHE SIGHS
Dickhead!
Where is she?
Sir, she's coming! Chill your boots.
'I'm sorry, but the
person you called is not available.'
Sitting off in a pub?
Is she having a laugh?
Aw. It's not surprising.
Poor girl's got issues.
Let's just hope
she doesn't turn into a drunkard.
Hey did you just hear that?
The gimp who hacked Aimee's TikTok
called Lucy Gill
a drunkard in the video. So?
Well, not many people in this school
would use that word, love.
They'd just say,
"Pisshead, her, like."
Hey Grace.
Do you know,
it looks like you're right, girl.
Aims has got issues,
and she's let us down.
Mr Dunn's asked, would you stand in
and be our Juliet?
Oh! Oh, my God!
I will, for all of us.
Nice one. Hey, do you want me
to take a pic of you?
Aw, our new Juliet.
Hey! Excuse me, what are you doing?
LOCK CLICKS
Give me my phone back!
MUFFLED: Excuse me!
This is illegal, you know!
'..dad is in prison
'and her mum
is a drunkard crackhead' Eeh!
..but the most tragic thing about
her is' Oh, watch what happens!
Hey! It was you!
The video's on your phone,
you little scruff!
She's completely just made that up!
Another one lost the plot.
You coming to get her, posh bellend?
I mean, I don't get it,
but for some reason, she likes you.
I think I'm the last person
she wants to see.
I mean, you are right, love,
but she's only upset with you
because she likes you.
But, like, I really, really
do not get what she sees in you.
Thanks.
HE LAUGHS,
APPLAUSE
He's back!
Bloody hell!
We don't see you for ages,
and you come back
looking like death's door Elvis!
LAUGHTER
Aw, listen, I'm sorry, everyone.
I'm sorry I haven't been doing
my regular slot for a while.
It's just Well, I had a bit
of bad news, to be honest with you.
Aww.
Yeah.
I was diagnosed
with primary progressive MS.
It's all right.
We had a Johnny Cash tribute
in here. Amazing.
It's like being in the room
with him.
LAUGHTER
WOMAN: And your act was getting
quite a bit boring, mate.
Quite a bit boring, Barbara?
Well, no-one forces you
to come, love!
LAUGHTER
Oh, do you know what?
One of you said to me there
in the toilet,
"I thought you were dead, lad."
I'll be honest with you.
Sometimes, it's felt like that.
So sorry, lad.
But see that beauty there?
That's our Aimee.
She's been the strong one
through all this, not me.
She sorted me some weed,
which, you know,
really helps with the pain,
and she, er she even made me
this walking cane.
But I refuse to use it because then
it's like all this is real.
I wanna be the man of house
and take care of her,
but now I've got these fears
that my body's gonna let me down.
And I don't wanna let you down,
love.
Oh, God, listen to him.
Right. Give me that.
I also got him the weed
to make him sleepy,
because when he's awake,
he does my head in.
LAUGHTER
Is there any need for you?
I've just been pouring
my bloody heart out here!
Have you got any idea
what it's like living with you?
Every time I try and help, he moans.
Tell 'em all about that.
That's cos
I don't want your help, love.
And I don't want to be helping you
off the bathroom floor at 4am
cos you fell.
I wanna be helping Mia-Louise
into bed at 4am
cos she's pissed out of her face
after a boss night with me.
Oh!
I don't want to be missing school
because I'm walking around shops
looking for fennel seeds
cos you can't shit.
All right.
I wanna be in school,
enjoying myself.
But I help you because I love you.
Aw.
So we need to deal with it together,
the best that we can.
I get it, love, I do. I get it.
Look can I have my hug now?
Oh!
Cos you can start with listening
to me about using this cane.
Cane! Cane! Cane!
Cane! Cane!
Cane! Cane! Cane! Cane!
Cane! Cane! Cane! Cane!
Cane! Cane! Cane! Cane!
All right! All right, OK, OK.
Oh!
I'll give it a go.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hey, it's not bad, that.
Getting Willy Wonka vibes, though.
Willy Wanker vibes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I love you.
Your dad's got M&S?
MS. M&S is Marks & Spencer.
All right, smart arse.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear about that,
Wayno, love.
Hey, come on. Tell me all about it.
Mine's a vodka and Coke. A double.
You may have ruined your chance
to be Juliet,
but if they're looking to cast
a Scouse Florence Nightingale,
you're their girl.
Who's Florence Nightingale?
She was this nurse who, during
Look, I'm sorry we doubted you
about the TikTok video.
We found out it was Grace
that hacked you.
I suppose it makes sense.
It's just,
you were acting so strange.
Why didn't you say something?
It's not exactly the best
conversation-starter, is it?
"Hey, my dad's got MS, and I have
no idea how to handle it."
I don't know if there is
a right way to handle it,
but you could try talking to me.
It's good to share.
Look, you know the only reason
why I get away with being Romeo
is because you're so good,
you make me feel
like I'm in the moment.
It's too late. The play has started.
There'll be other plays.
Just promise me you'll do them.
I promise.
This one's for you, Barbie.
# Lord Almighty
I feel my temperature rising #
Come on, everybody!
Uh-huh-huh.
LAUGHTER
PHONE CHIMES
I knew it was you.
What's wrong with you?
Reece, get out here! I've been
looking for you, you slippery shite!
What were you doing on Monday,
you thieving toerag?
Really?
Because someone saw you
scuttling back to our house
like the rat you are!
What else have you stole?
Nothing!
Mum, it wasn't me! I swear to God!
Then how come you're wearing
the same jacket
as the lad on the CCTV footage?
The CCTV footage I've just had
the fucking joy of watching
down the police station!
It's probably a coincidence!
I don't believe
in coincidences, lad,
but I do believe
in thieving gobshites!
That's what?
That's what, Reece?
That's me, yeah.
Yeah, you look like that, lad,
because you've just humiliated me
and our little family.
You're unbelievable.
Nice one.
Proper grateful for that, lad.
I don't know why I do it, you know.
I don't wanna hurt anyone.
I know,
but you need to stop it, lad.
You're right, you know, lad.
Hey, look, as a thanks, let me
get you a Domino's.
I've got my ma's credit card
saved to my Google account.
Lad, you can't keep
Just put some Chicken Kickers
on there, lad.
'Oh, for fuck's sake, Mum!'
Yeah, well, good news
travels fast, don't it?
Who told you?
Steph? Yeah, well, she's not one
to be gossiping, is she?
I have not lost the dressing room,
Mum!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
BOOING
This is going straight on TikTok.
From now on,
don't come past this line, OK?
And keep YOUR ball on YOUR side!
VAR decision.
Er, still kicks the ball
like a two-year-old.
VAR decision.
Erm, backstabbing thief!
Knobhead!