Haha, You Clowns (2025) s01e05 Episode Script

1
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(COUGHS)
So who do you think
Valerie is gonna give
the award for best smile
to this time?
Well, I've been flossing
twice a day, so it should be me.
Yeah, but I've been using
the toothbrush she recommended.
Okay, what are we
getting into today?
Just a clean?
You're not our dental hygienist.
Um, where's Valerie?
Actually,
Valerie's gone into labor.
- We're all very happy for her.
- (CLEARS THROAT) Excuse us.
You've been very sweet,
but please move.
DUNCAN CAMPBELL:
Valerie had a baby.
Come on, Dad.
We're moving out.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- (MACHINES BEEPING)
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Oh, um, it's the Campbell boys.
Uh, come on in.
- You know the Campbell boys.
- We come bearing gifts.
Oh, my God!
You all are too much.
(BOYS LAUGH)
Funny, usually I'm the one
in the chair.
Yeah, think I could squeeze in
a quick teeth clean
while I'm here?
- (ALL LAUGH)
- (VALERIE CHUCKLING)
This is the only patient I plan
on seeing today, boys.
Oh, my God.
What a little sweetheart.
Mm, he's got a good latch.
Y'all plan on introducing
Formula at any point?
Handsome little guy.
Yeah, you sure he's yours, Jeff?
(ALL LAUGH)
Goddamn. Nothing like
that new baby smell, right?
- (SNIFFS)
- (SNIFFS)
PRESTON CAMPBELL:
Oh, yeah. That's the stuff.
He's gonna have
a good set of teeth,
I can tell you that. (CHUCKLES)
But for real, God broke
the mold when he made you.
- You all look like naturals.
- Aw! You know what?
I had a small breakfast
this morning.
Anybody else need anything
from the vending machine?
Your Gardettos can wait, Duncan.
- Jeff?
- Here, Duncan.
- Just watch the head.
- DUNCAN: The head?
TRISTAN CAMPBELL:
Just prop up the head.
- (WHIMPERS)
- Right, the head.
- Um
- Slippery little fella, huh?
- (WAILS)
- Uh, yeah,
nothing like
that new baby smell.
- Oh, yeah. It's kind of sour.
- (WAILS)
- (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- Uh-oh.
He just don't wanna be away
from mommy too long, huh?
He's got more hair
than you, Jeff.
(BOYS LAUGHING)
(GIRLS LAUGH)
Can you believe that, though?
So we said,
if you're not gonna throw
a baby welcoming party
BOTH: then we are. (LAUGH)
(CHUCKLES) Aw! I wanna meet
your dental hygienist's baby.
Yeah, well, I mean,
you don't know her
like we do, so
He's gonna have
a good set of teeth,
- I can tell you that. (LAUGHS)
- (CHUCKLES) That's so adorable.
What's your favorite thing
about him, Duncan?
Oh, um, I like his, uh
bloody chopped-off
umbilical cord. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, I got it.
Shark in the water.
- KATIE: (LAUGHS) Shark! Shark!
- (LAUGHTER)
- Oh, and so it's like that, huh?
- (CHUCKLES) What can I say?
- I'm a busy guy.
- Uh-huh.
- (DUNCAN COUGHING)
- (SIGHS) Can I help you, Duncan?
Hey, Jeanette. Hey, Sean Astin.
(PLEASANT GUITAR CHORDS) ♪
Um, yeah,
so I've got this friend
and, uh, he gets
really nervous around babies.
Like, he'll start
shaking and everything.
I think he's just really scared
he might drop it or something.
Sounds like you've got a case
of the yips.
- (SIGHS) That obvious, huh?
- Can't out-act an actor, kid.
You know,
I'm reminded of the time
I played my first
Calgary Invitational.
Oh God, when was that,
- '02?
- (WHISPERS) '02.
I mean, I've got the eight ball
perfectly lined up.
What could go wrong, right?
Well, as I'm about
to take my shot, I look up,
and I see Sean standing
right behind the corner pocket.
I guess you were
in town shooting a film?
Yeah, Canada offers
some great tax incentives
- to shoot up there.
- Oh, nice.
I could barely focus. I was lost
in those deep green eyes.
I knew then and there
I had met my soulmate.
Our spirits
eternally interwoven.
Well, anyway,
when you're a top athlete,
you train
for moments like those.
(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
You learn
to visualize the outcome.
Hmm. You didn't drop it.
That's just because
it's a beach ball, Jeanette.
Precisely.
It's all about how you see it.
- That's visualization.
- (DRAMATIC CADENCE
ON HARPSICHORD) ♪
Just a beach ball.
That's good, that's good.
'Cause then that frees up space
for the baby gifts.
Cool, I'm down with that.
I can run to Party Planet
if you wanna grab
that box of decorations
from the attic, Duncan.
Oh, yeah, sure thing, fellas.
Yeah, this is good.
This is gonna work.
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Yeah, you're not so tough.
There you go.
Uncle Duncan's got you.
Yeah, you like that?
Yeah, you are hungry.
- Straight from the tap.
- (DOLL CRYING)
- (RECORD PLAYER SCRATCHES)
- (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪
TRISTAN: Hey, Duncan,
you need help up there?
No, I got it. Thanks.
- (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- (CAR ALARM BEEPS)
What about you?
How we looking
on those sliders, Tristan?
Just waiting on the garnish.
I think that's good, Duncan.
Thank you.
All right,
these puppies are ready.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Hello, everyone.
There he is,
the man of the hour.
AVA'S MOTHER: Look, Ava, a baby.
(CHUCKLES) Thought
you'd appreciate the theme.
(CHUCKLES)
(CHUCKLING) Oh, my God.
Pin the tooth on the baby.
- That is too cute.
- (TRISTAN AND PRESTON LAUGH)
- (GROANS)
- (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (TRISTAN LAUGHING)
- (PRESTON LAUGHING)
(GASPS) Oh, how wonderful.
We had the same monitor for Ava,
and we absolutely loved it.
Oh, and look, Jeff,
we can stream to our phones.
Might need that monitor
for Jeff.
Make sure he's not blowing
all your money
playing online poker again.
(BOTH LAUGH)
There are 52 cards in a deck,
but with jokers, it's 54.
- (GUESTS GASPING)
- Wow, she's so advanced.
(GASPS) Oh, gosh,
who's this one from?
Oh, wow.
I think that's gonna take
two people to open. (CHUCKLES)
Duncan, could you be a doll
and hold Jonah for me?
Had one too many mimosas
there, Jeff?
- (LAUGHS)
- Jesus Christ!
Just two seconds, Duncan.
- Thanks.
- (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
It's all about how you see it.
That's visualization.
(CHUCKLES) Upsy-daisy.
- Upsy-daisy.
- (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Just a beach ball.
- Upsy-daisy.
- (JONAH WAILS)
(AGGRESSIVELY) Canada offers
great tax incentives.
(WAILS)
(GUESTS LAUGHING)
(JONAH WAILING)
(GUESTS GASPING)
TRISTAN: Duncan, the head!
- I'm so sorry.
- PRESTON: Duncan!
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Baby Jonah was just
checking in on you.
What happened?
You just fainted.
And don't worry, Jonah is fine.
Jeff actually stepped in
and saved the day.
I'll let you boys talk.
I should get back to the party.
- Love you, babe.
- Love you.
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
You know, Duncan, holding babies
for the first time
- can be a scary thing.
- It was that obvious, huh?
Hey, it happens
to the best of us. Look at me.
I've done two tours
in Afghanistan.
I've seen my buddies lose limbs,
but nothing could have
prepared me for dad life.
- (CHUCKLES)
- (LAUGHS)
- Hey, we got laughs in here?
- A hat inside?
What, were you raised
in a barn, Jeff?
- (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHS)
(SIGHS) How you feeling, Duncan?
- You feeling okay?
- I'm fine.
But I feel
like a complete failure.
I mean, I look at you guys,
and you're so great with kids.
What's wrong with me?
Duncan,
if we're great with kids,
- then it's all thanks to you.
- Me?
I remember the first time
we laid eyes on you.
- (GENTLE MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪
- You were so tiny.
(CHUCKLES) You looked
like a little cherry tomato.
You were in the ICU.
We had to wait
a whole two days to hold you.
- Really?
- Longest two days of my life.
But the moment
Mom placed you in our arms,
and you flashed us
with those big baby blues,
it was love at first sight.
Yeah, we told the doc,
"Okay, we'll keep this one."
- (BOYS LAUGHING)
- (CHUCKLES) Oh, God.
- (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHS)
Ava, Ava, come here.
Ava's been working super hard
on a little drawing
to make you feel better.
You wanna show Duncan
your drawing, Ava?
Oh, wow. This is incredible.
Good job, Ava.
- (AVA MUNCHES)
- (DUNCAN CHUCKLES)
Kids are incredible,
aren't they?
They never cease to amaze me.
(BOYS LAUGHS)
(GUESTS LAUGHING)
Sounds like
the welcoming party's a success.
Yeah, we should all
probably head down there.
Who's ready to play
pin the tooth on the baby?
(BOYS LAUGHING)
- (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (GUESTS LAUGHING)
- (LAUGHS)
- What?
That doesn't go there.
That doesn't go there, does it?
PRESTON: All right.
- Scooch in just a tad bit more.
- Okay.
PRESTON: That's perfect.
- This is gonna be great.
- PRESTON: Now, Duncan,
- make your head go super limp.
- How's this?
PRESTON: Oh, my God.
That's great.
- The timer's starting now.
- (CAMERA BEEPING)
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪