He Had It Coming (2025) s01e05 Episode Script

1
This is the beginning
of a gender war.
BARBARA: It's a sign.
I'm the Doe.
Sign there and you're one of us.
ELISE: Prue knows something.
BARBARA: OK, we'll go
to the party,
we'll find out what they know.
ELISE: If I win, you'll tell us
who the
(CLEARS THROAT) ..is.
Kaye Blanchett.
PRUE: Scott and Lyle
both broke up with her.
ELISE: Wait. Where's Barbara?
Barbara! Barbara!
-I'm the Doe.
-Not without your Buck.
Stretch, do you have your Doe?
-STUDENTS: ACAB! ACAB! ACAB!
-I'm doing this for you!
BARBARA: Come on.
('ROSES' BY ELISHIA)
My feelings rising
Try not compromise this
We're in too deep now
to leave it
We're already playing
with demons
I ask the questions
You keep me second-guessing
You have your hands up ♪
Come on.
Get up.
In the night, night ♪
(DOOR SHUTS)
Officer Shepherd!
(QUIRKILY UNSETTLING MUSIC)
(SINGER VOCALISES)
(UPWARDS GLISSANDO INTO SCREAM)
(QUIRKY OPERATIC SINGING)
And how often do you
sleep at home, Bibi?
-Am I OK to call you Bibi?
-No!
Hey, does my nose
look infected to you?
Ooh, Elise, gross!
Oh.
You're processing a break-up,
a social rejection.
I get it.
Anyway, back to
the investigation.
Kaye Blanchett,
the improv'er,
not the Oscar winner.
So, Prue said Kaye
was dumped spectacularly
by both Lyle and Scott.
So what I think we do
is join the Dramatic Society,
befriend her, get a confession.
Also, a little birdie told me
you used to dabble
in youth theatre.
Oh, my God, why are you
so fixated on my family?
It's just what friends do.
I want to know everything
about you.
(SCOFFS)
Your mum was right.
You are a stalker.
(POIGNANT MUSIC)
I should go.
ROACH: The killer
left the tip of a penis
in our tip off box late last
night, and they also left this.
Now, the med adviser said
that unless it's reattached
in the next 36 hours,
then there's no point.
So they were alive
when it was removed?
ROACH: According to forensics,
yes, so time is of the essence.
I want some more information
on this Donna Kebab person.
SHEPHERD:
There's no info to give, sir.
Donna Jernejcic
is a second-year law student,
and the men on this campus
are pulling a prank.
-I don't get it.
-Donna Kebab.
Essentially, they're implying
she's a quick fix
at the end of the night
and you might regret it
in the morning.
SHEPHERD:
Yeah, it's bullshit slut shaming
and it doesn't make her
a suspect.
She did sleep with
the first two victims.
Well, and at least 30 other men
if we're to believe
the wrappers, right?
But it's probably hearsay
and I don't know
whether we should be wasting
our time on it.
-I can't do this.
-She could be a scorned lover.
That gives us motive.
Excuse me, there's a man
bleeding to death.
I know.
(DOOR SLAMS LOUDLY)
(FOOTSTEPS)
Hey.
-Hi.
-Yeah, we can't stay for long.
As the new Doe,
I have to support the team
while they find
Rory's replacement.
Hopefully not another incel.
Ohh! Rory and I are so over.
I just wanted to say
that I am really sorry
about last night.
Barbara, you don't have to
pay us off with gifts.
I
Is that the Micro Skin
Mineral Blush?
What? The one you can only get
in South Korea?
-Yes!
-Their team liked my content.
I guess we're fine.
But just, like,
no more weird shit, OK?
No more weird shit.
OK. We should go.
Alright.
Well, that's really cute.
DEBBIE: No, they're not,
they're nasty.
JESS: They (STAMMERS)
'Bye.
-JESS: OK, you don't say that.
-(DOOR OPENS)
-(QUIRKILY UNSETTLING MUSIC)
-(DOOR CLOSES)
Hi. I'd like to join your club.
Oh, sorry, British, we're full.
But you know what isn't?
Our studio audience for
tonight's Sketch Zoom-tacular!
Elise!
Bad news. She's at it again.
I'm across it.
BARBARA: What, you found one
in your cubicle too?
Yeah, you've got a penis tip
in your cubicle.
What?!
Oh, this is bad!
This is worse. Jenny knows.
She's not that smart. Is she?
(ANDY CLEARS THROAT) Ladies.
After internal chats,
we've managed
to make room for one more.
-The BNOC.
-ELISE: The what?
Big name on campus.
I'm only in if Elise is too.
No, he could have been
talking about me.
I wasn't,
and your nose is bleeding.
Thanks for getting me in.
I can take it from here.
The killer's at it again and
we have less than three hours
to find her and take her to the
cops before Jenny turns us in.
I think
we should stick together.
Fine!
(DETERMINED MUSIC)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER AND
PERFORMERS VOCALLY WARMING UP)
Hello, ladies.
Everybody, this is Barbara
and her friend.
Kaye, you're all good if we give
your scene to Barbarino?
(HALF-LAUGHS) Of course.
If she can play it
with the gravitas it deserves.
ADAM: This will be you,
Barbarino.
(MAKES GLUGGING SOUND)
(LAUGHS) Don't worry,
I'll be your scene partner.
We can take it wherever we want.
Respect and consent are key.
-I'm not performing.
-Hey, don't stress.
I'll be naked too.
And I've done intimacy training.
Yeah, 'cause that's the only way
he'll ever get any.
(PERFORMERS LAUGH)
(LAUGHS)
ANDY: So, Babylonia,
the rules of the group
are simple.
You've always got to say
"Yes, and"
How about "Fuck, no"?
You're Kaye Blanchett.
You're familiar with my oeuvre.
Yes, I'm a big, big fan.
(SCOFFS)
You know, I'm always trying
to get more girls involved.
-The boys won't let you?
-Oh, not at all.
It's just that a lot of them
don't have what it takes.
And pretty girls, no talent.
You're giving quirk
and main character.
Do you get that a lot?
No, n not ever.
Um, well, um, I-I do feel
the same way about you.
Now, should we go rehearse
some improv?
Well, you don't rehearse
improvs, but sure.
Let's go kick around some ideas
for the Zoom-tacular.
Come on.
-(ELISE CHUCKLES)
-This way.
(PERFORMERS CONTINUE
WITH VOCAL WARM-UP)
(PHONE BUZZES)
I've done two one-woman shows.
'A-O-KAYE', an in-depth look
at my mental health,
and last week,
'ONE HUNDRED KAYE',
an in-depth look
at my gambling addiction.
Both shows lasted eight hours.
Wow! I think you're gonna be
the next Cate Blanchett.
Or is Cate Blanchett going to be
the first Kaye Blanchett?
Talents?
Oh, uh, argh!
Uh, I play the bagpipes.
You are so cool, Elise.
-Am I?
-Mm.
Most people think it's weird.
The CJUDS boys
have always made a safe space
for talented weirdos.
So, this club must take up
a lot of your time.
Do you ever get a chance
to play sports or sleep?
Date?
I had a breakup recently.
Lyle. He died
in the campus murders.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
And and Scott?
Did you know Scott?
Just speaking of the murders.
Would you believe we also dated?
Huh!
No!
You've probably heard
about our breakup.
It's, um Well,
it's kind of an urban legend.
No.
One day, he calls me
onto the quad.
He's made this this honour
guard with the football team.
So I walk through it
assuming there's a proposal,
or at the very least,
a dinner invite.
He dumps me
in front of everybody.
I was furious.
(LAUGHS CRAZILY)
Oh, now, Elise
I have the most brilliant idea
for a dating sketch.
ELISE: No, I don't think I can.
Oh, no, Kaye, yes, Kaye,
you have to stop peer-pressuring
this poor girl.
Do you talk to yourself?
I prefer "dramatic aside".
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Rory!
Why are you carrying around
a mattress?
-It's a protest.
-Did he tell you to do this?
This is an effective
form of protest.
Sexual assault and murder
affect both genders.
All genders.
Rory, this is a famous form
of protest
by female victims
of sexual assault.
It's meant to signify
carrying the weight.
There is a man out there
without a dick.
How about I do everybody
a favour
and cut yours off right now?
Did you hear that?
She's threatening me!
-Detective.
-Officer.
So, what if this whole thing
was a false flag,
a man attempting to unite
other men against women?
Do you have any other evidence
besides that footprint?
No.
Just a theory.
OK.
Well, I still have a theory
of my own. Look.
This proves that she's
affiliated with the rad fems.
No, not this again, Shep.
If we went off
this kind of evidence,
then we'd be arresting
Donna Kebab
based on 20 kebab wrappers,
right?
So what is going on with you?
I'm sorry.
I've I've just
I've been here two years.
I know these students.
I will get it under control.
Alright.
KAYE: The Kill All Men Killer!
The Kill All Men Killer!
What the fuck?
What are you doing?
We've got a date with Jenny
in the art room in 10 minutes.
Hurry back, Elise. I need to
run you through some blocking.
OK, Kaye.
(QUIRKILY UNSETTLING MUSIC)
(DOOR SHUTS)
I've decided I'm not gonna
confront Kaye
till after the show.
I'm sorry?
There's a man bleeding to death.
Kaye is lovely.
I want to do the show with her.
Yeah, first off,
she's a major pick-me.
She's not a pick-me.
She's just a low-maintenance
theatre kid
who prefers the company of men.
I saw he scream "kill all men"
in the mirror.
I'm pretty sure
she's the penis cutter.
Barbara, she can't be both.
A pick-me doesn't kill men,
she loves them,
so maybe you're wrong.
(JENNY LAUGHS)
Oh, wow, lesbian socials
will go crazy for this.
Art girl lesbians
who argue all day
and murder all night.
I finally worked out
what the red dots mean.
You killed them, then made love
at the crime scene,
then painted your pants
with the blood.
Not quite.
BARBARA: Jenny,
I gave you your money.
Why are you still
coming after us?
I used it to pivot and expand.
I now produce wearables.
You didn't pay
your student fees?
"Give a woman a fish
and she eats for a day."
"Teach a woman to fish
and she eat forever."
Joe Biden.
Our only problem
is now we have 2,500 units
to move. (CLAPS)
And why is that our problem?
Because if you want to stop me
taking these pants
to the police,
I'm going to need Barbara
to tell her followers
she's collab-ed with me on this.
BARBARA: No. I'm not doing this.
ELISE: Yes, Barbara,
you have to. You owe me.
-What?
-Leaving me alone last night.
Letting them pierce my nose.
Calling me a stalker.
Am I wrong?
Look at the way
you're already fawning
over Kaye.
I'm sorry, Elise, but I am not
putting that on my body.
JENNY: That was hot.
But, Elsie, do you have
the authority
to negotiate a daily posting
plan on behalf of Barbara?
It's 'Elise'.
And no.
Drop the drip by midnight
or I go to the police.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
I need to interrogate her
properly.
You need to announce the collab.
When we hand Kaye over,
the collab won't matter.
Fine. But I hope you're right.
Otherwise, at midnight,
you're going to jail.
(BARBARA SCOFFS)
-Kaye
-KAYE: Oh, there you are.
I think this colour's
gonna look fab on you.
What happened
between you and Lyle?
Oh, he broke up with me.
And to be honest, I deserved it.
I cheated on him
a bunch of times.
The CJUDS parties
can get frisky.
And Scott, the dishonour guard?
It was so public.
I wouldn't blame you if
Darling, have you heard of
a PR relationship?
What?
It's very common
in the entertainment industry.
I paid him to date me
and break up with me.
It did wonders
for our subscribers.
I saw you say "Kill All Men
Killer" into the mirror.
-What was that?
-I'm sorry.
Were you stalking me
in my dressing-room?
(INTENSE MUSIC)
OK, we're about to go live.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
-please take your seats
-Come on!
and set your phones
to silent
KAYE: Thank you.
as the performance
is about to commence.
And your hot friends
are at the door.
So don't embarrass me.
Come here. Come.
What what are you doing here?
Oh, those little shits!
Um, that's why I'm here.
People are always using
my content to catfish.
I'm just gonna get them
to take it down
and then we should
go get drinks
Yeah, but, like, if you did
want to do the show, Babz
-Like, that's OK.
-No!
-No, no, no, no, no, no.
-You can do
Yeah, like, we fully support
your social suicide, babe.
(APPLAUSE)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
(ANDY MIMICS CRYING BABY)
(GASPS)
Why won't she latch? Goddamn it!
Nurse! Nurse!
-Can you show me how?
-Yeah, no worries.
My God, B, just go, just go.
ANDY: I can feel
the milk flowing!
-DEBBIE: Hurry up, B!
-ANDY: Flow! Help!
Oh, oh, yeah. Fine, fine. Go.
Oh!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-A drink?
-Yeah.
(BOTH EXHALE THEATRICALLY)
She sells seashells
by the seashore.
Seashells, seashells
by the seashore.
Amazing!
Oh! Give me a hug.
Oh, you're gonna be so good!
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Break a leg.
(SINGSONGS) I love you!
Prrrr!
Prrrr!
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Elise! Come here.
I really need to talk to you.
Just let me have my moment.
(QUIRKILY SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Whee! (GIGGLES)
(NOTIFICATIONS CHIME)
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER AND CHATTER)
Tinder? More like Chunder.
(RETCHES)
(LAUGHTER)
Ugh!
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
OK, I think we're in the middle
of a live cancellation.
(LAUGHTER)
-MAN 1: You suck!
-MAN 2: You suck!
(LAUGHTER)
MAN: Boo!
(LAUGHTER)
BARBARA: Shit!
PERFORMERS: Arggh!
(LAUGHTER)
MAN: Bingo!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)
(UNNERVING MUSIC)
(BAD FRENCH ACCENT) Hello!
I am zee kitchen gardener!
I am so sorry, all the food
has been poisoned.
(ANDY GASPS)
No, it wasn't the food.
We died because
she was ugly as fuck.
(LAUGHTER)
I also happen to be single.
This is for you, pretty lady.
Stop trying to ruin our sketch.
I thought you didn't want
to be on stage.
-Ooh!
-AUDIENCE: Oh!
Oh, God, you're just meant
to mime!
I thought the rule
was "Yes, fucking, and"
ANDY: OK, I get it, I'm dead.
I'm dead. I'm dead.
(BARBARA CHUCKLES)
Shall we go and get a drink
somewhere else?
Oh! Oh!
You are wondering where
I got my wearables.
Well, if you want flowers
and you want to wear them too,
then
BOTH: ..Jenny's
Crochet Garden
-is for you.
-..Is for cool. Cool.
-MAN: Fuck, terrible.
-(BOOING)
ANNOUNCER: OK, that was
Thank you. Thank you, Barbara.
You were right.
Kaye can't be the killer
and a pick-me.
She's just a pick-me.
Also, she was performing
every night of the murders.
For eight hours.
(SLOW CLAP)
Sorry, Elise. There's only
space for one girl in CJUDS.
It's not a space, Kaye.
It's a cage.
You might think
it's benefiting you now,
but it's putting you
in sexist sketches
and pitting you against
other women.
(LAUGHS)
You're a scream!
And now,
our fifth sketch of the night,
'Drinks on the Beach'.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
I don't think Kaye
minds the cage.
-I think she might've built it.
-Mm.
I shouldn't have left you
at the party.
Or called you a stalker.
It's OK.
I think your bad improv
was enough of a gesture.
(CHUCKLES)
For you.
Detective Roach.
Oh, good evening, Commissioner.
(TENSE MUSIC)
The investigation's going
Melbourne University
have threatened to pull out
of the Federation Games
and we are haemorrhaging
international students.
Financially and optically,
this is fucking me.
So, yes, why don't you tell me
how the investigation's going?
Here you go.
Alright, get up.
We're making an arrest.
About fucking time.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(NOTIFICATION BUZZES)
Oh! I've been removed
from the group chat.
I'm so sorry.
Now I understand why being
the Doe meant so much to you.
Yeah.
When I was little,
my mum left my dad,
and she worked two jobs,
but we never had much.
And then one day,
one of my videos went viral.
(LAUGHS) I I felt so powerful.
I just wanted to feel like that
in real life.
I don't even have a room here.
No-one knows that but you.
Babe, money or no money,
you are still so powerful.
-(SCOFFS)
-No, it's true!
When I first met you,
I was terrified.
I had to drink
three panic fizzes.
Come on, this way.
You lot, come on.
(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)
So, um, I made this friend
back in secondary school.
Zoe was her name.
My first friend ever.
Until one day she decided to
ditch me for the cool girls.
And I wanted to know why, but
she wouldn't return my texts,
so I followed her home.
Doesn't seem that bad.
Yeah, like, five or six times.
Well, her parents then said
I was harassing her.
That turned into
a stalking charge.
My own mum didn't back me up.
(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)
(SCOFFS)
I know that I can be, like,
a bit full on.
You are.
But I am very comfortable
telling you to fuck off
when it's too much.
ROACH: Over here!
This way!
(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)
-Oh, boy.
-Shit.
(PERCUSSIVE VOCALISATIONS)