I Love LA (2025) s01e05 Episode Script

Baby, I think we should buy a gun.
A gun?
Yeah, just like to have around the house,
- so you can protect me.
- Oh, interesting. Alright.
Do you think you'd, like,
keep bullets in the gun
- at the ready, always?
- Obviously, we would have
- bullets in the gun.
- Okay.
You just shoot at the floor,
and then it scares them.
- Alright.
- And then they run away.
- Okay.
- And then, you don't have to shoot anyone.
I'm not really a gun person.
Okay, fine, we can just get a Byrna.
What's a Byrna?
Okay, so it's like a nonlethal pistol
and it fires pepper rounds.
But the cool thing about it is, like,
you need a security guard license
to own one.
So, you get to do this, like,
free Zoom security guard training
- when you get it.
- Oh, that is cool.
Here, hold on, it's really cool.
Let me show you.
- Alright.
- Where's my fucking phone?
- Oh.
- Oh, fuck.
Alright, that's actually
a perfect example
of why we should not
have a gun in the house.
- Why?
- If that was a gun,
it would have just, like,
shot my dick off or something.
I'm not holding it like a gun.
Like, if this was a gun,
- Alright, okay, I really hope not.
- Okay.
- Well, now it's a gun.
- Now, it's a gun?
- Now, it's a gun.
- Oh, shit.
- Yeah.
Try to take it out of my hands now.
Come on, try to take the gun.
Try to take the gun.
Oh, my God!
- What the fuck?!
- Oh, fuck. Sorry.
- Sorry.
- My bad.
- It's my boyfriend's fault.
- Yep.
Can I come down
and grab that from you?
- Wait, what's he holding?
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Go, go, go, run.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Fuck!
- Fuck.
- Oh, fuck.
or probably not?
Don't worry about the phone right now!
It's a bummer for me, too.
Yeah.
Kia is a really nostalgic car
for Tallulah.
It was the first car she ever drove.
I'm lying. She can't drive.
Yeah, well,
maybe we knock off the grid post, 35k?
No, I know it's a bad deal. For Tallulah.
Yeah, Scott, you're fucking us on this.
You are. It's fine.
But don't say you're not
fucking us when you clearly are.
30k. 30k.
I would say you can do it for 20k.
Like, 20 is good. Grayson did it for 20.
No. 30k and a story post
is my final offer.
Amazing.
- Amazing. Okay.
- Oh, my God.
Alright.
Oh, have fun at the baby shower.
Oh, my God!
- Oh! Oh!
- Yeah, girl! Yes, girl!
I am fucking addicted to deals!
- Shoot them deals, bitch, yeah!
- Yes! Yes!
And then, the second time that I saw
the Hannah Montana movie,
the part where she,
like, takes off her wig
and she's like, "I can't do this anymore."
Why are you laughing?
I'm sorry.
No, go ahead, finish.
She's like, "I can't do this anymore.
I have, like, full body chills
talking about it.
- It's actually like a lot for me.
I can tell.
- It was big for me, okay?
- Yeah!
Mm, she's obsessed with you.
You're obsessed with me.
Hi, queen. I tried calling you,
but you didn't pick up.
So, just voice-noting you
to say Kia wants to pay you
30k for a story post. So sick.
- Also, I think I ate too much fiber,
and now the poop is,
like, solid inside of me.
I'm so bloated.
- Hi.
- But 30k!
- Hey.
- Call me back.
Making coffee.
- 30k?
- Oh.
For one day of work? Is that normal?
Well, it kinda used to be,
but that's like COVID money.
It's a car company.
- Yeah.
- You know how to drive?
I mean, like, I've driven before,
but I don't, like, know how to drive.
What the fuck does that mean?
- What?
- You've driven,
but you don't know how to drive?
- Yeah, so I'll learn.
- I got you.
- What?
- Hey. Morning.
- Hi!
- Good morning.
- Hey, good morning.
- Hey. Mm.
- Good morning, Garrett.
- Morning.
- Hi.
- What's up?
- Hey.
- Hey, do you wanna teach me
how to drive today?
My God, yes, are you kidding me?
I've been driving, like,
in LA my entire life.
That's my shit. That's like the one thing
I've, like, mastered, I feel like.
Garrett, you wanna stay for coffee?
Oh no, I'm okay, thank you.
I'm actually probably
just gonna head out, yeah.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, we'll see you.
- Yeah.
What? It's nothing.
We're, like, super casual,
just having fun,
and he's whatever,
so, like, don't mind him.
- Hey, sorry.
- Oh, my God, hello!
Sorry, no,
I forgot my bike lock key here.
Silly.
Take care.
- Bye!
- Bye.
Yeah, he's so responsible.
Mm!
- This is so good.
- I know.
- Thank you so much.
- Oh, my God, of course.
You have been locked in.
- Like, I am impressed.
- Thank you so much.
It means a lot coming from you.
You know, your work ethic reminds me
of me when I was your age.
Which wasn't even that long ago.
Okay, exciting news.
Just between us,
Alyssa180 is being featured in Forbes.
They're sending a photographer up
at the end of the month.
- That is amazing.
- Mm.
That's so sick.
And so, it's gonna be,
like, photos of you,
Knock-a-doodle-doo!
Oh, hey, Maia. Sugarfish!
Fun!
Hey, Alyssa, did you get
my vacation request?
- I'm just about to book it.
- Remind me what it is again.
Oh, it's a biking trip up the coast
where I get to try every type of apple.
- Fun!
- Yeah.
We won't even notice you're gone.
- 'Kay.
- Okay, bye, love you.
- Love you more.
- Mm.
Oh, my God, poor Court.
Jesus, I just, like,
really hope she finds someone.
We're so lucky we have
such amazing partners.
- Yeah.
- You know what's crazy?
I've never met Jeremy.
- What? That is crazy.
- Yeah.
Because, like, he knows all about you.
- He does?
- I mean, he's my partner
and he is my closest collaborator.
- I tell him everything.
- Ugh, that must be so nice
to just never have
to stop talking about work.
He's a music producer, and, like,
I always ask for his advice,
as long as it isn't song time.
Dylan's the same way.
He'll do some music stuff,
and when he's thinking of a song,
he's just, like, off in his own world.
I'm like, "Hello? I have a tiny problem."
Wait, Dylan is a songwriter?
Wow, look at us! I didn't know that.
- We are both in power couples.
- Yeah.
For Dylan, it's more
a part of his teaching.
I just had the best idea.
We need to have a double date.
- Yes.
- Like, I don't know why Jeremy
and I don't have couple friends.
That's so weird.
- So weird.
- Yeah.
Okay, well, how's tomorrow night?
- We're in.
- 'Kay, we'll host.
You guys come starving.
Jeremy loves to cook.
Ooh! What should we bring?
Anything. We're easy.
Mm, no flowers. We're not a flowers house.
- No, no, not flowers.
- Okay.
Oh, and people here get into an accident,
like, every six months,
so when it happens to you,
don't freak out.
I don't want to get
into an accident, Alani.
No, no, it's good. It means you're safe
for another six months.
That's, like, I don't know,
when you see your babysitter get,
or like adult twins.
- It doesn't make any sense.
- Okay, we're gonna make this left,
'cause when it's red, it's your turn.
Right now?
Ooh, shit.
I'm sorry, I'm new!
Sorry!
Fucking asshole.
- Is that Garrett?
- No.
I don't even, like, care about that guy.
Okay, well, that's not true.
You like him, Alani, we know that.
Okay, well, he's just, like,
definitely a fuck boy.
Okay, I mean, like, he's a fuck boy now,
but you just have to make him,
like, obsessed with you.
You're right. You're right, you're right.
You're right, I need to stand
in my motherfucking power
and text him right now and tell him
- how much I care about him.
- No, Alani!
Are you crazy? No.
Then, what do you want me to do?
I don't understand.
You need to be mean and trick him.
Okay, well, Lula,
we both know that I can't be mean.
Okay, you know what,
Actually, just let me see, let me do it.
- Swear to God, bitch, go!
- Just let me do it.
Okay!
I don't wanna make a left.
I wanna make a right.
- I wanna make a right.
- Okay. Okay. It's fine. It's fine.
- It's fine. It's fine, it's fine.
- I don't wanna make a left anymore!
It's easier if I just do it.
Let's just switch.
- Okay.
- Let's switch, let's switch.
Fuck. I mean, archive Westwood, bitch.
Like, are you kidding? I'm gagging!
Like, these bitches could never!
I mean, it's gonna be epic!
Right, it was a language thing.
Yeah, you like it though, right?
- Yeah, it's good.
- Yeah! Yo, Lukas.
- Hey, that thing's lit.
- Man, I freaking love it.
Thanks, thanks.
So, what do you say?
You, me, the boys?
Vegas.
Yeah, I know you're probably
seeing other people for this,
but, Lukas, I could kill it for you.
Yeah, it's just, you know,
we have a lot of options to weigh.
- Psych!
- What?
You should see your face, my dog.
What did my face do? What?
It's you! It's been you
for, like, 20 minutes!
- Shut up!
- You're coming to Vegas!
You're bad, you're bad.
He's bad. Thank you.
- You guys got me.
- Dude, you're gonna be so stoked.
We have two whole floors at the Luxor.
Dude, there's an esports lounge.
And all our rooms interconnect,
so when any of us
need to check in with
an accountability partner,
we can just knock on a door.
Yeah. Yeah.
- Accountability partner.
- Yeah, what is that term?
- Yeah.
- We help each other stay on track.
- Mm-hmm.
- Spiritually and morally.
- Morally.
- Really, any sins at all.
But mostly pornography addiction.
- Yeah.
- Pornography addiction.
Like right now, we got this thread going
where if we even think about going
to one of those bad websites,
we just check in with each other.
And you just send other
you just say, "I've been thinking"?
- Aw.
- All good, brother. Give it.
- He was thinking.
- Love you.
We love you, man. We love you.
- The fuck?
- Stay prayered up.
Do you have any nudes on your phone?
Yeah, they're in an album called
"Nudes of my body, private."
Oh, my God. Alani!
- This photo is insane.
- I know, right?
How did you even
get the lighting like that?
- Like, this is crazy.
- I wish I could take credit.
- That was my dad's old DP.
- Oh, my God.
Yeah, Carl was actually so sweet.
It's, like, really not cool
what happened to him.
- Everyone overreacted.
- Okay.
I am sending this picture to Garrett.
- 'Kay.
"Oops, sorry, wrong person."
Okay.
"Can I come over later?"
- Are you serious?
- So easy. Yeah.
- Say, "Yes, I'm so down, baby."
- No!
- Oh, my God!
Alani, you are not getting the point.
No. "Sorry. Busy."
Okay, but Lula, I'm not busy.
I'm free.
I'm sorry, what does that say?
"Wine in my backyard tomorrow?"
- Boom, bitch, phase two!
- Okay. Okay.
- Okay, okay, you're right.
- Okay?
Hey, babe, you're making me nervous.
Well, sorry, I have to hit my steps, so.
It's just a lot of walking
around the apartment.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
- What's this?
- Mm!
- It's my big bag of wigs.
- Oh.
- You've never seen my big bag of wigs?
- I have not.
- Ooh.
- I'm going to a wig party tonight.
- You guys can actually come.
- Dylan, no.
A wig party would literally kill you.
Okay, we have to be fresh
and ready for tomorrow night.
Right, we have to stay in tonight
because of a dinner we have tomorrow.
Okay, baby? Do not joke.
- I'm not joking.
- Okay? Alyssa finally takes me
seriously as a peer, okay?
And if Jeremy likes you,
then we're gonna be couple friends.
Next thing you know,
we're going on dinner dates.
Me and Alyssa,
we're texting each other TikToks at work.
She's laughing.
We're going on couples' trips.
Then, bam, me and her next to each other
in Forbes fucking magazine.
- Okay, guys?
- Great.
- That's the one.
- Baby, really,
you don't have to worry about me.
The dads at school, they love me.
You know, you say, like,
"Hey, you see the new season of Reacher?"
And then, they just go
on and on, and it's great.
Okay, but Dyl?
Jeremy is not like the dads
at your school, with love.
- He is a big music producer.
- Okay.
So, you have to talk to him about that.
I told Alyssa that
you're a songwriter, too.
- Mai, no, no, no.
- What?
- You are!
I wrote one song one time
for Miss Atwell's second graders.
Trash, trash, pick up your trash
- Trash, trash, pick up your trash
- Trash, trash, trash, trash
Yeah, it's amazing, it's a banger.
And it worked.
- They pick up their trash, okay?
- Yeah.
So, lean into that.
Okay, go slow again, go slow again.
Fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast.
Oh, fuck. Fuck, sorry.
it might take me a second.
Babe, it's like 6 a.m.
Sorry. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Sorry.
I can't get lockjaw. I have court later.
- You have court? Sorry, wait.
- I told you, I work for the D.A.
Fuck! This is my new boss.
He wants me to go work out
with him and his friends.
Obviously, just say no.
No, no, no. Okay, no, babe, babe.
You can't say no to a pop star.
Like, they turn on you fast.
- Mm.
- Ooh!
I'm high. Okay.
I got this. You give great head.
- Remember that.
- Call me.
What's up?
- Charlie!
- I'm so pumped you made it, man.
I've been up for hours, actually, yeah,
just doing errands, cleaning.
Classic morning things, you know?
What's the plan today?
Well, we're helping to train Dom
for his first half-marathon
- since his knee surgery.
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Pro tip, don't ride an ATV
in sunglasses if it's cloudy out.
- A half-marathon, you said?
- Okay. You ready, boys?
- Warm-up sprints?
- Warm-up sprints.
Oh. Whoops!
It's all good.
Say it. Say it. Say it.
I was bullied my whole life,
I can take it, just say it.
Like, "Oh, he's fucking gross, right?
A disgusting fucking gay guy
can't run up a hill."
Just say it.
Like, "Fuck this guy, right?
Fuck Charlie.
- Fuck this fag." Come on, say it. Say it.
- Hey, no, dude, dude, hey, hey.
Dude, we all have off days, okay? Right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
There's no shame in it, man.
Why don't y'all do a quick little lap?
I'll just hang out with Charlie
till he's feeling better, okay?
- Sounds good.
- Okay.
- How you feeling?
- I hated that experience.
- Yeah.
Like a lot, it was really
embarrassing for me.
Bet you guys are gonna fucking
roast the fuck out of me
in the group chat tonight.
Why would we do that?
We're your friends, man.
I mean, yeah,
that's what friends do, right?
I mean, like, I love my crew,
but like, we do talk a lot of shit.
- Huh.
- You know, and that keeps us
from all ever making any mistakes, ever.
That sounds kinda rough.
it's more in like the tone.
It's the way we say it.
It's like we're funny about it, of course.
- Oh, okay.
- Like for example, like,
- I got a nose ring.
- Mm-hmm?
And they, like, bullied me
until I no longer had the nose ring.
That's kind of a bummer, man.
Like, you tried something new,
and they brought you down.
they give me a sense
of belonging and purpose.
Anyway, you rest up, brother.
I'd invite you to come
ride ATVs with us later,
but you're precious cargo.
Random thought, you rule.
Thank you.
Baby, one more time,
what does he do
for a living again, Jeremy?
- Kidding.
- I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
- Lock in.
I'm locked in.
The only jokes
you should be making tonight
- are music ones.
- Music ones?
Yeah, like,
"Oh, I wish pianos were lighter."
- Okay.
- Something like that.
Oof, you smell so good.
- New perfume.
- Mm.
- Okay, focus.
- Mm-hmm, focus.
- What do you want?
- Oh!
- Just kidding. Hi!
- Hey!
I hope you came hungry. Dylan?
- Yes.
- Get in here.
- Okay, I'm coming.
- Red!
- We are starving.
- Yes.
- Like you said.
- Mm.
It's a beautiful home.
So, I'm working on my laptop
across from this beautiful woman.
And I'm trying
to figure out what to say,
and I've got nothing.
I'm doing the same.
"Can we ask them to turn this music down?
Whatever it is is so, so bad."
And I said, "It's Beck and, yeah,
I asked him to go easy on the cello,
but, hey, I was just the producer."
- Oh!
- Oh, my God!
that was your song that was playing.
- That is crazy.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- My song.
I bought him lunch,
and then the rest is history.
- Aw.
- The rest is history.
- That's good.
- Well, great story.
- Yeah, that's great.
- Cheers to you guys.
- Yeah, cheers.
- Mm.
Mm, Jeremy, I know you get to, like, work
with a bunch of very cool
people and everything.
But I gotta ask you,
have you ever met Rick Rubin?
Oh! Yeah.
- Yeah? Wow, that's great.
- Who is that?
- He is a character.
Have you read his book?
No, no, not yet. It's next in line.
I'm reading
The Rise of the Third Reich right now.
It's going through kinda
the political climate
- post-World War I.
- Right.
And just kinda leading up to everything
- Dylan, we don't need to talk
about the Nazi book.
It's not the one that Hitler wrote,
by the way, JSYK.
- Yeah.
- It's like about Hitler
and how he is bad,
and how to not, you know,
do all of that again.
Alyssa told me what
you're working on with Tallulah.
Yeah! It's been so nice
to just, like, dive right in
and just, like,
book, book, book, book, book.
It's like, get one job, bam!
Another job, bam! You know?
Yeah, I can hear her all the way
from my office making deals.
Killing it!
- Are you okay, my love?
- Sweetie, tell me.
- I'm just, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Okay. I thought I felt a migraine
- Mm.
- Oh, no.
I'm good, no, I'm good.
I'm good. I'm good.
I'm sorry, I'm Italian,
so talk loud, talk with my hands.
- Italian?
- Yeah.
So, Jeremy, what are you
working on producing now?
I no longer can produce in studio
because I get headaches
- Oh, shit.
- It's complicated.
- That's tough.
- Yeah.
- Mm.
Like, I have to catch
the microwave before it beeps.
Is someone wearing perfume?
Yes! Thank you.
It's me. It's Byredo.
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry, babe. I have COVID.
That's okay. It's fine.
Maia, perfume is a trigger
for Jeremy's headaches.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
No, it's okay. You couldn't have known.
That said, I think I'm gonna
have to remove myself.
- No.
- No, I'm just gonna go lay down.
- Oh, no. Honey.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
- I'm sorry, everyone.
- I love you.
Where's Maia?
Are you guys, like, going out later?
No, she and Dylan
have a dinner at Alyssa's house.
It's actually a big deal for her, so.
She's, like, always fucking grinding.
- It's the weekend.
- Alani!
- Just saying.
- This is her career.
I mean, it means a lot to her.
I think it's inspiring.
Okay, I mean, I guess you're right.
Okay. For Garrett?
- Love.
- Really?
Serious, it's so cute. You look sexy.
I love you. Also, I was thinking,
'cause it's gonna be,
like, a little chilly.
Oh. Sorry.
What do you think?
Hey, random thought.
You rule.
I love you.
You're being so cute today.
- You're cute every day!
- Stop!
Wait, oh my God.
I'm excited 'cause
Garrett's, like, amazing.
And, you're gonna eat this up.
He sent me this pic.
- Oh.
- He's so fucking cute.
Alani, I don't think he would
appreciate me seeing that.
So, I think for your eyes only.
But it's so sweet of you to show me.
- I'm really happy for you.
- Thank you.
You're being so mature. I love you.
- Love you.
Aw.
A few years ago,
Jer took a tumble skiing at Big Bear.
He'd had an amazing day.
And then, on his last run,
he took his helmet off to look cool.
He hit a tree.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, wow.
- That's terrible.
- Sometimes these migraines
put him in bed for days.
Yeah.
Oh, I just thought of something.
I could actually go get the grill going.
- Yeah, if you want.
- At least get something going, you know?
Yeah.
- That would be amazing, baby.
- Yeah? Okay.
- That is so sweet.
- Yeah, alright.
- I'm on it.
- You don't have to.
- I'll find it.
- It's a grill.
- He's got it.
He's the best, and he loves to.
More wine?
Yeah. That must be so hard for you.
Ugh. When I met Jeremy,
he was like a rocket.
Do you know how many times
I could have fucked Jon Hamm at Speranza?
- A lot, probably.
- But I didn't,
because I was all in on Jeremy.
I leave the house, he's in pajamas.
I come home, he's in the same pajamas.
Like, that wasn't on my vision board.
Yeah. It's not on my vision board.
It's like, you know,
pajamas are for night.
But honestly, you're killing it.
You are, Alyssa!
Like, not a lot of people can say
that they're a badass CEO
and an amazing wife.
- I, like, really admire that.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Partner, not wife.
- Totally.
- My choice.
Okay, I'm gonna pee, and then I'm gonna go
get started on the salad.
The bathroom is down the stairs.
- And there's no toilet spray.
- Okay.
- Because of Jeremy.
- Got it.
What the fuck?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Ew!
I mean, I don't know.
- What do we do?
- I don't know.
I mean, I can go down there
and help him finish,
- Dylan. Dylan. Dylan.
- Alright. Okay.
- It's okay.
- Mai?
This salad is giving me life.
- Yay!
- Yay.
So glad. I can't wait for you
to try Dylan's steak.
Such a bummer that Jeremy is sleeping.
I really wanted him to tell you the story
of when Sia threw up on him at the studio.
Oh, my God, well, next time.
- Rest is so important.
- Yeah. Yeah.
The doctors say that he cannot
be disturbed during his naps.
Like, his inner ear is so sensitive,
that, like, even if the WiFi
goes out during one of his naps,
he senses it, he freaks out.
He, like, wakes up, texts me,
like, "What's going on?"
- Yeah.
- The nap.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
So rare.
It's like you just showed
the cow a photo of a flame.
I'm kidding.
Yeah, it's a leaner cut,
- But you know, it is pretty rare.
- It's a little bloody, I think, yeah.
- I'll throw it back on for just a minute.
- No, not just for me.
No, no, no, I like it that way, too.
- Yeah, she likes it like that.
- Done, done, done, done, done.
- You do?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Oh, my God, twinsies.
- Twinsies.
Ugh.
I wish that Jeremy was here
cooking the steak.
Dylan is really sweet for trying, though.
they can't all be Jeremys.
There are other Jeremys out there.
It's not like you guys
own a house together.
And you're both so young.
We can always do better. Right?
- I'm just saying.
- Yeah.
I call it like I see it.
that you see the best in me,
and you want the best for me.
I do.
- You're welcome.
- Thank you.
Okay. Alright.
- That was quick, but.
- Thank you, Dyl.
- They are cooked.
- Mm!
Dyl, don't you think
that your hot girlfriend
should be in the Forbes photo with me?
- I would love to.
- Yeah.
- Great! Done deal!
- Done deal.
Yes, and we need to all
get dinner again together,
when Jeremy's feeling better.
- Yes. Yes.
- Whenever he's up for it, yeah.
I wanna hang with him.
Yeah. Wish he was here.
I just can't fucking get over it.
Like, who jerks off standing up? Do you?
I mean, I, like, have.
- Yeah.
- But not at a dinner party
Yeah, a dinner party with no food.
- No food.
- She was like, "Come starving."
- You cooked dinner.
- I know.
And the steak? Delicious, by the way.
- Thank you so much.
You're welcome,
at least it wasn't in the fucking fridge
- where Jeremy left it.
- I honestly feel so bad for Alyssa.
She talks up Jeremy like
he's this cool guy and he's so successful.
She acts like they're this power couple,
but he's a fucking loser.
I can't even stand the term
"power couple."
You know, it just annoys
the shit out of me.
Well, I mean, they're not, you know?
Yeah, but I mean, regardless,
like, we work to live.
They live to work.
You know what I mean? It's like pathetic.
they have this, like, endless ambition.
Like, it's never
gonna be enough, you know.
They want success,
and money, and like, a nice house,
and all these things,
and it's just like, no.
Yeah, I mean, it's good to want
some things, you know?
To have, like, goals and stuff.
- They're unhappy people.
- Yeah.
And that's because their level of ambition
is just unattainable.
I bet all they do
is talk about work, you know?
Totally.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Alright, I'm gonna call it.
- Okay.
- Alright.
- I'm right behind you.
Okay.
Breaking news, Lukas Landry found
- Oh, my God.
- No!