iCarly (2021) s01e05 Episode Script

1
Hey, why are you here
with no adult supervision?
Wow. Way to roast yourself.
I need your help. It's Freddie.
Is he okay? I heard him sneeze.
Is he sick?
Oh, my God! Is he dying?
Am I your new father? I accept.
Don't you just love weddings?
Oh, no.
He's got wedding fever.
I just love celebrating love
that lasts a lifetime.
Or in your case, 14 months.
Last time you went
to a wedding, you met Mom,
so I'm going to be all over you.
We can't risk another
meet-cute-get-married-go-down-
in-flames-divorce-tragedy.
Don't worry. As best man,
I only have one job.
Yup. To comfort a lonely bridesmaid.
No. To support the groom.
Weddings are special and sacred
and should be treated with respect.
God, weddings suck.
So you're wearing that in protest?
No. I'm wearing this because
I'm tired of being punished
for looking good.
Do you know how many weddings
I've been uninvited to
because I outshine the bride
at the rehearsal dinner?
So you're wearing a white dress?
Um, this is off, off cream.
Besides prairie-core was all
over the Gucci runway,
so I'm on trend.
Yet off-putting.
Forget your obsession with me.
We need to focus on Carly.
She's been really down
about dating lately,
and now she has to spend
an entire weekend
at the wedding of her childhood nemesis.
- Nevel Papperman.
- Nevel Papperman.
You're right. She's going
to be extremely fragile.
Who's ready for a really fun wedding?
See? She's a wreck.
You despise Nevel.
I thought you'd be upset
about going to his wedding.
Of course I'm upset.
My sworn enemy wants
to make me miserable
by flaunting his happiness,
but I'm going to make him
miserable by flaunting mine.
You're still talking
about happiness, right?
Are you sure you wouldn't be
happier just staying at home?
Obviously, but if
I stay home he wins.
What did Nevel do to make you like this,
and how can I be more like him?
When they were kids,
Nevel wrote
a terrible review of "iCarly".
Then hacked her website
and tried to force Carly
- to kiss him.
- Many times.
Worst of all, he trapped me
in a robot costume
for our half-a-ween party.
That's not worse then Carly's thing.
- I heard it as I said it.
- Wait, is that why we all
have to wear robot formal
to the wedding tomorrow?
No. It's because he's
obsessed with some game
called "Robot Uprising".
God, I hate Nevel Papperman.
[THUNDER CRASHES]
I'm going to grab some umbrellas.
I'm going to turn off my
thunder and lightning machine.
I know you see
Somehow the world will change for me
[TOGETHER] And be so wonderful
So wake up the members of my nation
[TOGETHER] It's your time to be
There's no chance
unless you take one
And the time to see
the brighter side
Of every situation
Some things are meant to be
So give me your best
and leave the rest to me
I love a robot-themed rehearsal dinner.
Blending sci-fi and romance
it's like experiencing
"WALL-E" all over again.
Laugh like I said
something funny laugh!
[LAUGHTER]
- Why are we laughing?
- Because I want Nevel
to hear what a wonderful time
I'm having.
I'm having a wonderful time.
That's super convincing.
I need a mocktail.
Freddie, you're with me.
I've got to keep an eye on you
and your tender heart.
[BELL RINGING]
Robots, robotesses
and nonbinary machines,
please welcome
the most amorous androids,
Prunella Pitz and Nevel Papperman.
Carly Shay, so nice to see you.
I bet you rue the day
you let me get away.
Oh, Nevel. I rue nothing.
So happy to be here.
You are so brave to show
your face at a wedding
just weeks after a humiliating break-up.
Weeks? It's been three months.
Counting the days how sad.
But despair not, I found my soul mate.
Maybe one day you'll find yours too.
And where is Prunella?
I've been dying to meet her.
I'm sure anyone who would
marry you is a real treasure.
Carly Shay? Oh, my gosh.
Prunella Pitz, thrilled to meet you.
You know, you are so charming
on your channel.
I literally quote you all the time.
Do I not? Do I not?
Anyway, I am so honored
that you're here,
and might I add, somehow even
more radiant in person.
Damn it. She's a treasure.
Ugh. The straights.
Engagement, bridal shower, bachelor,
bachelorette, rehearsal dinner,
wedding, post-wedding brunch,
if you haven't had seven parties
celebrating your conformity
to social norms,
did you even get married?
I'm with you on the showers,
but rehearsal dinners
hold a solemn purpose
to pick out who you want
to hook up with at the wedding.
I regret I have but one Spencer
to share with so many lonely women.
Uh-huh. Not having it
because at this wedding,
you'll be sharing
the lonely women with me,
and I'm the undisputed queen
of wedding hook-ups.
Undisputed? I dispute it.
Is that a challenge?
Oh, Harper, if Mark McGwire
wanted a face-off
in a home run derby,
would that be a challenge?
Depends. Are you saying
you use performance-enhancing drugs?
All right. Let's see who gets
the most phone numbers
by the end of the weekend,
then we'll know who's
the true hook-up king.
Gender-neutral monarch.
Winner plans a date
that the loser has to go on.
Bet. Wait, this is unfair.
You have twice as many targets
because you go both ways.
Always, and ha ha
I know that you didn't
just try to insinuate
that you're at a disadvantage
because you're straight.
- No. I didn't.
- I thought so.
That would be crazy.
I was surprised you asked me
to be in your wedding,
but I guess you never know
the impact you have on people.
Meet my groomsmen a distant
cousin who speaks no English,
and this server here,
whom I met 30 minutes ago.
- Robert.
- Doesn't matter.
Well, I'm the best man.
So that's still special.
Oh, stupid shoes. Gosh.
Here, let me help with that.
Not on my watch.
You're proposing already?
He is so needy.
I'm helping her buckle a shoe.
That's how it all starts.
Back off, Cinderella.
Hi, Carly. Hi, Freddie. Looking amazing.
[GIGGLES]
Thanks, Prunella.
Why does she keep tilting her
head and blinking?
Because she's quirky and delightful.
The caterer is calling about
the meal count for tomorrow.
12 salmon, 5 chicken, 8 beef,
3 Halal, 2 gluten-free.
[GIGGLES]
Isn't she wonderful?
My Pruney has a computer for a brain.
[CHUCKLING]
You can't tell me that's not weird.
For a woman to be good with numbers?
Carly, get with the times.
You guys agree with me, right?
There's something off about Prunella.
Come on.
Although, I was talking
to one of the bridesmaids
- Did you get her number?
- Duh.
And she was saying she had
never met Prunella
before tonight.
They were only friends online.
That is strange because I was
talking to this other girl
- Did you get her number?
- No.
And she said none of
Prunella's family is here
because they all died
in a freak skiing accident.
That's some white people nonsense.
Wait. Has anyone here
met Prunella besides Nevel?
[TAPPING GLASS]
When dear Grandpapa Papperman told me
I couldn't inherit my trust fund
until I married a human woman,
I was angry.
- Human woman?
- Hetero and humo-normative.
But now I see Grandpapa
only wanted to me be rich
in money and in love. [DING]
So if everyone could
raise their glass
Oh, no. Annie's flight got canceled.
I'm down a bridesmaid.
I'm about to short-circuit.
- [ALL GASP]
- Oh, dear.
Where will we find someone
Annie's exact dress size
who's brunette with high cheekbones
and stands a hair under 5'6"?
- If only I were tall enough.
- Oh, but you are.
You're a classic 5'5 3/4.
Carly, I know it's so much to ask,
but would you do me the honor
of standing beside me
for the most important
moment of my life?
Sure. I'm already having
such a wonderful time,
and being your bridesmaid
will only make it better.
To my bride, Prunella,
and more importantly, to Carly.
To Carly.
Bet you wish you stayed home now.
No. Nevel invited me here
to mess with me,
but now I get to mess with him
by exposing this entire
wedding as a sham.
Something fishy is going on
and I think it's pretty
obvious what it is.
- Prunella's a gold digger.
- Prunella's a gold digger.
No. Prunella is a robot.
I know I'm going to regret asking this,
but what are you doing?
I'm taking all my fridge
magnets to throw at Prunella.
If they stick, it'll prove
she's made of metal.
Ipso facto, domo arigato,
Mistress Roboto.
And I regret it.
You really think that
Prunella is a robot?
I know it sounds crazy,
but look at the evidence.
No one at Prunella's own
wedding has ever met her.
Nevel literally said she has
a computer for a brain,
and he needs to marry a human
woman to get his inheritance,
but no human woman would marry Nevel.
So he threw a robot wedding
and built a robot bride.
Sounds like a pretty elaborate scheme.
Which is exactly what Nevel's known for.
It's peak Papperman.
And when the bridesmaids get
together for hair and makeup,
I'm going to prove it.
Oh, no, no, no, no. I am not going to
let you destroy this
woman's special day.
I'm coming to that bridal suite.
Greetings.
The name's Bot.
Spencer Bot.
I can tell you practiced
that a lot, and it works.
There's no way Harper wins this bet.
I already got five numbers last night,
so I hope she's ready to go
to a men's rights meeting.
Not so fast, Spencer Bot.
- Holy
- [ELECTRONIC BEEPING]
Sorry, my robot suit malfunctioned.
Wow. Those welding classes
really paid off.
I know, right?
You've got five numbers. I've got four.
Give me your phone.
What are their names?
Right there. Hot wedding guest one,
hot wedding guest two,
hot wedding guest three
That's my number. You reprogrammed me.
You're hot. You're a wedding guest,
and at one point,
you gave me your number.
Now wait a minute, that's
all totally true.
Carry on.
Hey, Prunella.
As your newest bridesmaid,
I just wanted to say
zero, one, one, zero,
one, one, zero, zero.
Aw, you agree too.
I've been learning
binary code to surprise
Nevel for our robot vows.
How are you girls doing? Need anything?
Great, Mrs. Papperman.
Oh, could you rustle me up
an ice cream sandwich?
I meant more Prunella
and her bridesmaids,
but I suppose I can poke around.
Prunella, since it's your special day,
I was just wondering
could you help me identify
all the traffic lights?
Maybe after I use the bathroom, sure.
Do you need help in that big dress
with your regular human legs
underneath it?
Carly, you are so thoughtful. Boop.
One more of these, and I'll make out
with the next guy I see.
Hey, Freddie, can you get me another?
Af-firmative.
So got a little crush on Freddie?
He seems great.
He is, if you look past
the gambling debts
and raging night terrors.
- Monsieur mimosa here.
- I'm actually not thirsty.
I got a good look, and I'll
say this, she's realistic.
Seven numbers.
Hope you're ready to spend
a romantic Saturday at clown college.
Joke's on you. I did immersion therapy,
so now clowns only
make me cry sometimes.
Besides, I've got seven
numbers too we're tied.
Not for long.
I see a cute girl and
she's definitely queer.
Oh, I think you're wrong.
She smiled at me.
You have such a reductive understanding
of the spectrum of damn it.
Check it out I accidentally
Googled myself.
Wow, super famous sculptor,
and look at that net worth.
- Whereas I
- Work at Skybucks.
Which means free lattes,
and if you're in the mood, a muffin.
I'm sorry. Do I know you or you?
No. But if you call me sometime
No. Call me, girl. I'm the muffin.
What is her problem?
I don't know, probably
gluten intolerant.
Wow. You look just like a real bride.
Oh, I wish I could cry.
Why can't you? [WHISPERS] No tear ducts.
I just don't want to ruin my makeup.
[GIGGLES]
Oh, Carly, you saw
the woman pee. Let it go.
Let this go? Okay.
[CLINK]
[FREDDIE GASPS]
Why did you throw this at me?
Uh wedding tradition.
Magnets symbolize lifelong attraction.
Quick question, though.
Why did it stick to your head?
Oh, I don't want to talk about it.
We're all friends. Give us the download.
Okay. I have a steel plate in my head,
because you know
how my entire family died
in that skiing accident?
I was the only one who made it
out alive, and oh, wow.
Now I am going to cry.
I'm so sorry, Prunella.
[CHIME]
The caterers lost the Halal meals.
What? Kareem is going to freak.
Don't worry. I'll take care of it.
I'll help.
I'm not lending you any money.
Is it safe to leave you with Prunella?
Yeah. I'm done. I promise.
Prunella, I owe you an apology.
What is this? Is this a battery pack?
My power supply. Don't tell anyone.
She's really a robot.
What am I going to do?
Almost got the battery pack in.
I've got to get out of here.
Nevel!
- Carly.
- Don't Carly me.
I figured out what's going on
here, and it's insane.
Is it really so insane
to think an epic love story
spanning decades could finally
land on happily ever after?
Oh, please.
I know your epic love story
with Prunella is a lie.
You're right, but my love
story with you is the truth.
Huh?
Come on, Carly. No more cat and mouse.
It's time to let me catch you.
Not now and not ever!
Yes, run to the altar, my beloved.
I'll see you there.
I can't believe the rabbi shot me down,
but they taught me
some beautiful lessons.
L'chaim.
How are we going to break this tie
before the wedding is over?
Unless
What's up, mama?
Can I have everyone's attention?
I have something to say,
and I know it's going
to shock most of you.
We're getting married!
Prunella is out, Carly is in.
[ALL GASP]
- Oh!
- ["WEDDING MARCH" PLAYS]
Wow. Didn't ask me
to walk her down the aisle.
Okay.
What? We're not getting married.
No. No. No.
Yes, yes, yes. It's really happening.
Rabbi Lowenstein, go.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here
- today to witness
- No. No gathering, disperse.
- I object.
- Oh, shoot.
Maybe I do like straight weddings.
You can't object.
First because I'm not marrying him,
and second, because you're a robot.
- What?
- And there it is.
Admit it, Nevel.
You made the perfect woman
out of steel and technology
and then staged this
entire robot wedding
- so that she could blend in.
- Oh, my God.
You think someone
would make a robot of me?
That is so nice, but why
would you think that?
Because you're way too good for Nevel,
and you always blink in that crazy way.
Oh, it's because I'm not used
to these stupid lash extensions,
and while they make me look
amazing, I see very poorly.
But what about your battery
pack? I saw it fall out.
Battery pack? What battery pack?
I have no idea.
Carly's crazy. She threw a magnet at me.
Carly, Prunella isn't a robot.
She's a friend I met playing
"Robot Uprising".
Our relationship isn't romantic.
Ooh, twist!
Continue.
But if you never loved Prunella,
then why did you say
she was your soul mate?
Was it just to make me jealous?
Was this entire robot wedding
just to make me jealous?
Please, do you really think
I'd stage a fake wedding,
as Freddie to be my best man
to make sure you'd be here,
even though I can't stand him
and never could
Hey.
Invite all your closest
friends and family,
pay actors to fill out the guest list,
all so you'd go mad
with jealously and realize
you and I were meant
to be together all along?
Oh, my God. Nevel, did you do that?
Would it be so wrong if I did?
Wait, you're an actor?
Does that mean you don't
actually like Freddie?
Oh, God. No.
That was just a choice
I made for my character.
Well, my work here is done.
I'll be at the bar
getting a Shirley Temple,
extra cherries for this little princess.
You paid all the guests?
But your mother was here.
Oh, Carly, you know
that's not my mother.
You've met my mother.
Hi, Carly. Suzie Cunninghart, SAG-AFTRA.
Huge fan. I'd love to be considered
for any future roles on your channel.
No. I'm not casting you,
and I'm not marrying you.
I'm not doing anything with anyone here.
Okay. Okay. The wedding is off.
Wait, wait, wait. The wedding
is on, at least I hope it is
because there is still one
secret I haven't told you yet.
- She's a robot.
- My secret is that somehow
during this whole crazy scheme,
I fell in love with you.
ALL: Ooh!
My thing was more believable.
Really? You fell in love
with me, Nevel Papperman?
That was real.
And as for the battery Carly saw,
it was supposed to be a surprise.
- Aw.
- I can't believe it.
Someone loves me. This has
never happened to me before.
Prunella, I love you too.
Carly, are you going to be okay?
Yeah. I'll manage.
["WEDDING MARCH" PLAYS]
I was also in a foot cream commercial.
Make your scaly feet
Start feeling sweet
No way! Oh, man.
- Oh, are you at our table too?
- I'm actually at
Then why don't you go there?
We were just talking.
Why don't you want me to fall in love?
It makes me sad to see you sad,
so I'm just trying to protect you.
Millicent, broken hearts
are part of life,
and you're the kid. Okay?
It's my job to protect you.
Okay, except when you see
a moth you're going to be all,
"Millicent, get it before
it flies into my mouth
while I'm sleeping".
Except for then.
So do you think it's okay if I dance?
She was a paid actor. Let it go.
Not her.
Just promise me you will not
do your dancing face.
What face? This face?
I've heard that as a groomsmen,
it's my job to comfort
a lonely bridesmaid.
You want to dance?
You think I'm lonely? Why?
Just because I'm in
a wedding dress by myself
at someone else's wedding?
Why did you get so fixated
on that robot theory anyway?
Because I'm guessing
it's not jealousy stemming
from a deep unfulfilled love
for Nevel Papperman.
Yeah, no, literally would rather die.
I don't know.
I guess weddings just make you feel like
you can't know real happiness
until you find a partner.
The idea that even Nevel found
that when I haven't
kind of struck a nerve,
even though I know it's not true.
Okay. Well, first of all,
it is totally possible
to be married and miserable.
- Like you were.
- Twice.
And it's just as possible
to by happy and single.
And you're happy, right?
You know what? I really am.
I mean, at this exact moment
I'm a little embarrassed,
kind of hungry because
I gave Kimmi my Halal meal,
but overall, yeah, I'm happy.
Aw, did you guys settle your
silly contest and make up?
No. People always just want
you more when you're taken.
Can I confess something?
Our bet is making me feel gross.
I agree. I should have
never stooped to your level.
Truce?
- Oh, beautiful ceremony.
- So meaningful.
Thank you. Call me, bubbelah.
I win. Enjoy the compost
festival, sucker.
I heard they have a worm symposium,
a methane workshop and a raffle
for a bucket, okay?
I know you can still hear me.
They also have a 4-hour lecture
on manure and a smell test,
so get them nostrils ready, baby.
Now, life isn't easy
When you're a droid
But you're about to shuffle
like a humanoid
Robot shuffle, robots
Don't call us half-breed
Your words can't cut us
'cause bots don't bleed
Hands up for the droid's
rights struggle
Then take it downtown
with the robot shuffle
How low can you go
How high is your bot
Take-take it downtown
With the robot shuffle
Ooh!