Jesy Nelson: Life After Little Mix (2026) s01e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
[fans cheering]
[atmospheric music playing]
[fans cheering]
[chanting] Jesy! Jesy! Jesy!
-[fans cheering]
-[chuckles]
Oh, God! I don't even…
[chuckles] …know what to say.
[cheering]
-Oh, I'm a mess. [laughs]
-You're okay, hon.
-We're just blubbery messes tonight.
-Yeah.
London, I think we feel emotional because
it's the last day of the tour, innit?
[Jade Thirlwall] It is, it is.
We just can't believe
it's been eight years
and you guys have still
stood by us for this long.
[fans cheering]
So, from all of us, we just wanna say
from the bottom of our hearts,
that we love you so, so much. [sighs]
[cheering]
And without you guys, none of this
would be possible, so thank you.
[cheering]
Hello, London! Are we ready to do this?
[epic music playing]
[Jesy] I really struggled
keeping all of this in.
London!
Always at the back of my mind, I just
always thought we'd be together forever.
Are you ready?
[fans cheering]
I've never said anything.
I just have always, like, stayed quiet
because I was the one that left,
so I was the one that caused all of this.
I always say what I'm feeling ♪
Whoever leaves first is always, like,
the person that gets the most shit.
I bet they gonna break up
But what the hell do you know? ♪
But yeah…
I'm yours ♪
…I've never been able to say…
[music ends]
it was never actually
my decision to leave first.
Like, I actually didn't want
any of this to happen.
This is my story of how it went.
[photographer sighs] All right, girlies.
Let's mix it up.
[baby cooing]
[Jesy shushes]
Me and Zion really wanna get one of
these pictures tattooed on each of us.
[photographer] Amazing.
-So no pressure. [laughs]
-[photographer] No pressure.
Well, we'll keep going
till midnight, all right?
[laughs]
[Jesy] Yay! Good girlies.
Oh. She's smiling.
[chuckles]
[gasps]
Oh, my God.
-Let me see.
-Oh, my God.
[photographer] Do you want to pick them up
and if you'd just bring me
one at a time, please.
[baby cooing]
Blessing.
-[crying]
-[Jesy] Okay, Bubby. Okay.
[shushes]
I know, poppy. It's okay.
[sighs] This gives me anxiety.
[photographer] She's fine.
They have little wriggles and moans.
I suppose also because you had
such a traumatic beginning…
-Yeah. [chuckles]
-…everything must be like, "Oh, my God!
-What's that?" [chuckles]
-Yeah, literally.
[baby fussing]
-Baby, I don't wanna do it. Yeah.
-[Zion] Hmm? Leave it?
-Jes wants to leave it.
-If you want to.
-That's absolutely fine. No, it's fine.
-Sorry.
[Jesy] I know, sweetie. You've had enough.
This life ain't for you, is it?
Just like mummy. [chuckles]
[Story, Ocean cry]
[interviewer] How regular
were photo shoots for you?
[Jesy] Oh, all the time.
I despised them with a passion.
And do you know what was
so funny about all of us?
We all liked our left side.
-[chuckling] Go on your tiptoes.
-Okay.
So when it came to photos,
we would all be like this.
[paparazzi] Ladies, right here in front
please. Right here in front please.
And the photographer would be like,
"Uh, can one of you…"
and we'd all be like, "No!" [chuckles]
I don't think anything will ever, ever
be able to prepare you for the industry,
and especially when you're in a girl band.
When I was on X Factor,
I was being scrutinised for my weight,
and I, like,
was really struggling with it,
so I was like,
"Right, how can I lose weight?
I know. I remember when I was younger,
my mum used to drink SlimFast."
And I was like, "Right, Perrie,
I need to go get SlimFast."
So we all start sneaking down the aisles
trying to find this SlimFast
and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere,
this guy was like, "Perrie! Jesy!"
He just starts taking pictures.
I was like, "Oh, fuck!"
So I just remember getting SlimFast
and lobbing it to Perrie
and was like, "You hold it."
And this is that picture.
[chuckles]
What a great friend though, honestly.
She really took the heat for me.
["Black Magic" playing]
We're in LA.
This is the start
of a massive trip for us.
I'm rather excited. Are you?
[Jesy] All four of us,
we were just really silly.
We didn't really take
anything too seriously.
And we were so… so similar, but so not.
Had the same sense of humour,
and that's what really got us
through, like, shit times.
We made each other laugh so much.
[in Southern accent] We are here
for the case of Betsy and Wilma.
[chuckles]
Now, I will admit,
I was seeing her husband, Girth.
[band members laughing]
[normal] They did all really get on.
They did, and they were so funny.
I remember one day
they'd found a courtroom
and they all pretended it was a trial
but it was all, like, just off the cuff.
[in Southern accent] I object!
[band members laughing]
[normal] I think that one of the reasons
that we lasted so long,
genuinely, because
we were actually friends.
Like, we were real…
yeah, like, best mates.
-[growls, laughs]
-[screams]
[screams]
-What's wrong?
-I thought it was a fly!
…that promote the band.
[band members chuckling]
Casually hang out with the girls.
Some of them like to get drunk,
some of them don't.
[laughing]
And when they do, it's a party.
[laughing]
[laughing]
[Jade] I remember sometimes
feeling a little bit jealous
'cause she'd call them her sisters
and I'd be like, "Excuse me?"
Um, but they were.
They were like a little pack.
-I love you girls!
-I love you girls!
[Perrie] I love you all so much.
-We got through it.
-All we need is each other!
[all] Yeah! [cheering]
2017, 2019 were really, like, happy times.
I feel like it was like
we were just at the peak of our career.
To me, everyone was just in a good place.
[clicks tongue] But actually, I was wrong.
I remember we got called in for a meeting.
When we're called in for a meeting,
it's either gonna be something amazing
or something really bad.
And I just had this gut feeling
that it wasn't gonna be good.
One of the girls had decided that
they didn't wanna be in the band anymore.
And I just remember feeling like
my whole world had just fell apart.
It's just a really sad day.
And me and Jade really cried.
[interviewer] Can you say
which of the girls it was?
I don't think that's for me to say
because they still haven't said,
so I… that's not for me to say.
[interviewer] And did you tell the person
who was leaving how you felt?
Yeah. And I probably
didn't even handle it very well.
'Cause I was just, like…
I was just… I was devastated
and I couldn't really, in that moment,
maybe give her the understanding
and the support, maybe,
that she needed in that moment.
And that sounds really selfish because…
obviously, that person was really feeling
and going through something,
but at that time,
I just remember thinking,
"I need to mentally prepare myself now
for Little Mix ending."
After that, we were like,
"Right, we now need to put in a plan
of what's now gonna happen."
So we planned our last tour.
All the dates were set in for that.
And that was it really.
That was the last thing
we were gonna do together as a band.
[fans cheering]
[emotional music playing]
So, that was what
we were all gearing up for.
And then Covid happened.
[sombre music playing]
[reporter 1]
The prime minister has announced
the most drastic limits to our lives
that the UK has ever seen
in living memory.
[reporter 2] The shops are closed,
the theatres are dark, the bars are shut.
[Jesy] Lockdown prolonged everything.
So we wasn't allowed to do the tour
when we were supposed to.
Unfortunately, that is then
when everything just got messy.
Daisy, Daisy ♪
[both] Give me your answer do ♪
[Jesy] I was quarantined with
one of my best friends, Charlotte.
I'm half crazy ♪
-Over the love of you ♪
-[laughs]
-[Charlotte] Yay!
-[Jesy] You love that one.
First time when I ever met Charlotte,
she was drunk when she did my eyelashes.
Jesy, no! [laughs]
You were like, "I'm really sorry
but I'm a little bit tipsy right now,
but I actually do eyelashes better
when I'm tipsy,"
-and I was like…
-And I did, didn't I?
-And you did, to be fair.
-Yeah.
You said to me, you was like,
"Oh, my God, it's amazing."
And then that was
the start of our friendship.
-Our messy friendship.
-Yeah.
[Charlotte] Just before lockdown,
Jesy's schedule was crazy.
I remember going to her house at,
like, three, four o'clock in the morning
to do her eyelashes after
she'd finished either rehearsing
or filming the music videos.
[Jesy] There was one time
we went to Australia for a day.
And it was just like… that's not normal.
I was so exhausted. It was non-stop.
Going into lockdown,
it was nice to see her just let go.
What's going on, everyone? Gary here.
Just thought I'd do a quick post
because me and my mate Steve
are still working currently in lockdown.
That's right, girl.
I, uh… I come around, I'm the plumber.
I come deal with all your pipe work.
[Jesy laughs]
Bye.
[both laughing]
You could just see, like, this bright,
beaming light coming from Jesy
that she didn't have before.
[happy music playing]
And I think it's something that
she'd probably craved for so long.
Lockdown happened and I just, like, lived.
-You was yourself.
-[Jesy] Yeah.
I just felt like a kid again
when I was with Charlotte.
Like, I just felt free.
I can't breathe.
[Charlotte, Jesy laughing]
I think she kind of got
some of her old happy ways back
before, like, X Factor.
Like, just hanging out with your friends
and doing stupid things
and silly little videos and things.
[Jesy] I didn't have any cares or worries.
I could eat whatever the fuck I wanted
and it didn't matter
because I didn't have to worry
about doing a music video.
This is so exciting.
Yeah, the diet's out of the window today.
We obviously still had to do
little bits and bobs,
which I was happy to do 'cause
I was in the comfort of my own home.
Just a touch of your love ♪
Just a touch of your love ♪
Photograph with no T-shirt on ♪
[vocalises]
[Jesy] Obviously, I knew the band
was coming to an end
'cause one of the girls
made the decision to leave.
Hi, we're Little Mix and we're about
to play BuzzFeed's "Truth or Wine."
[Perrie, Jade Thirlwall] Ooh.
I don't know. Even when we'd be asked
questions in lockdown in interviews
like, "Oh, do you think Little Mix
will be together forever?"
Or like… I don't know,
and we'd be like, "Yeah."
"Was there ever a time
you were close to disbanding?"
Disbanding mean, like, breaking up?
[both] Yeah.
-Oh.
-[chuckling]
-Breaking up then.
-Um…
-No.
-There wasn't, was there?
Well, not… Um…
No, yeah. I don't feel we've ever…
ever had a conversation about… No.
-No, and actually happening.
-[laughing]
No, you know what I mean.
Like, it's never actually, like, happened.
Oh, I don't bloody know. Drink.
[laughing]
Obviously, in my head, I'm like… [mumbles]
"We're not gonna be here
in a years' time."
I love how much…
[Jesy] I almost felt like I was just
being fake the whole time,
'cause I knew what was about to happen.
That was, like, for me,
when everything changed.
And then I just got a very quick
realisation that I wasn't happy anymore.
So it's just weird to think
that if lockdown didn't happen,
and maybe even
if Charlotte didn't live with me,
maybe my decisions
would have been different.
[interviewer] What was your kind of
relationship with the girls in Covid too
in terms of did you chat
to each other much?
Yeah, every day.
But the funny thing was
they couldn't wait to get back to work,
and I was the total opposite.
I was dreading that phone call.
[ringing]
[interviewer] What was the call?
[Jesy] Well, it was to do a music video.
My stylists at the time were like, "Right,
so obviously the song is called Holiday,
so it's gonna be, like, beachwear."
[chuckles] And I'm thinking, "Fuck off!
No, no. This is my worst nightmare.
I've just stuffed my face in lockdown,
now you want me to wear a bloody bikini?"
And I just remember thinking… [exclaims]
…"I need to go on a diet."
I remember Googling, "Quickest way
to lose a stone in five days."
[ambient music playing]
[Jan] I always worried
when music videos would come up
'cause I know she'd go at extremes
to try and lose weight.
She'd always be starving herself.
And then one time,
I found some injections.
They was obviously weight loss injections.
And I remember finding them
and getting really upset
and like, "Why would you do that?"
[director] Great!
Let's roll video. Roll camera!
I just remember being
on the set of that music video
and I just was struggling the whole day.
[director] Here we go, Jes.
Same performance again.
You're doing amazing, darling.
["Holiday" playing]
Boy ♪
Start again. I can't get that "Boy."
I don't know when to come in.
That was the straw that broke
the camel's back, doing that video.
It brought everything back
from before we went into lockdown.
-Can we start again? I didn't get it.
-Start again, guys.
At this point, she was broken.
[Jesy] The girls, they were still
very much giving a hundred
to everything they were doing,
whereas I just wasn't.
Being a pop star,
she's probably had to hide herself
behind this persona for so long…
[instructor] And again!
…because she has
millions of people to keep happy.
And she probably
felt the pressure of that,
and I think that's probably
what took her back to work.
But in hindsight, you could clearly see
the effects that it was having on her.
Her mental health was suffering.
[music box playing]
[music ends]
[Jesy] Here we are.
[gentle music playing]
[Zion] They look quite realistic there.
Do you… [stammers] … Do you think…
That's a very good one.
Bloody hell, it's Liz.
[Zion] Wow.
And the winner is Jesy Nelson.
-Hey! [chuckles]
-[Zion laughing]
Who are these girls over here?
[Zion exclaims]
[Jesy] So wait, you and Mum,
haven't even seen mine in person.
[Jade] No, I've been here before though
but not seen yours. No.
[music continues]
We wanted to see them
before they get taken down.
It's like a massive achievement,
innit, to be in Madame Tussauds.
Yeah.
As a mum, it kind of shocks you
how much she actually did achieve
and God, you feel so proud.
I don't think she gives herself
enough credit at all
and it's quite sad, really.
[Jesy] Gone are the days
of my nice, plump boobs.
Now they're just saggy sacks.
-[child] Jesy.
-Yeah?
-Can I have a photo of you and…
-Of course you can.
Some of his friends at school
don't believe that you're his auntie.
-[Jesy] Oh, really?
-Yeah.
You see young boys and girls now saying,
"When I grow up, I wanna be famous,"
and if you could tell them
what's involved in it…
-Lovely.
-I feel really guilty as a mum
for encouraging her to even do
The X Factor now.
If I could have that time again,
I wish she had never done it,
never won it, never joined the girl group,
only because of what'll come after
and what came with it.
[interviewer] When you see yourself
all together as a collective,
where does it take you to?
Uh…
I don't know.
I don't know. That's really hard actually.
I would say, like, sad and hurt,
but you know, it's just life, isn't it?
No one stays in their job forever,
especially if it doesn't make them happy.
[interviewer] Do you remember
the last time you were with them all?
Uh…
Yes.
-It was, um… when we were--
-[baby fusses]
Oh, all right, baby. All right, baby.
It was when we were doing
our own TV show called The Search.
Yeah, that was the last time I saw them.
[interviewer] And did you know on that day
that it would be the last time?
No. Mm-mmm.
[melancholy music playing]
[music ends]
[interviewer]
So, why did you leave Little Mix?
So I've never spoken about this.
[inhales, exhales heavily]
Just give me a minute.
[theme music playing]
We got given the TV show, The Search.
["Move" playing]
We are here to find
the next big thing in music.
Let's do this!
And…
-Right.
-So it begins, girls.
So it begins.
Whoever the winner was,
then would go be the support act
for us on the last tour,
which, obviously, no one knew
that it was the last tour either.
Now because of lockdown,
the tour was not gonna be
for another two years.
I just remember being like,
"I can't do it.
I physically cannot do it."
Let's get started!
I know I can't last another two years,
like, with the way I'm feeling.
[interviewer] What was the atmosphere like
between the four of you in that time?
Did it carry on the same
or had it shifted?
I felt like it shifted.
There would be days when I would cry.
There'd be days were I was like
a really miserable bitch.
[downcast music plays]
She just wasn't herself.
She was there but wasn't really there.
You know, like, sometimes
when you just do something
but your mind and heart just wasn't in it.
I don't think her heart was in it anymore.
She was just struggling.
The vocals were great,
rapping was really good
but I have to be honest,
there was something about that performance
that was missing for me.
I think you could have cut
the atmosphere with a knife.
It was… It was just horrible.
Jesy, I don't know
what you were listening to.
-I don't know what you were watching.
-Listen, I said you can't fault it
-but there was something missing for me.
-Right, okay.
Well, that was
an emotional roller coaster.
I'm gonna be honest with you,
I don't know how we're all feeling, lads.
All them little things eventually build up
and build up and build up and build up
and yeah, they do get to
a boiling point at some point.
I can see why they did get angry at times.
Hard to work with someone who's
always down and you're always happy.
It's hard to be around that.
But when you have
all that horrible pressure,
you just become a negative person
and you only see the bad stuff.
I'd been in lockdown, felt that happiness,
and now I'd been swarmed with this,
like, rush of anxiety and insecurities,
which I didn't have when I was at home
and in lockdown and I felt safe.
Like, I started then
having panic attacks again.
I feel like over all of the years
of her being in Little Mix,
all this trauma had been
building up inside of her.
If you're a good performer,
you can cover things up
and keep carrying on,
but there's gonna be
a time when you'll crack
and you just can't take no more.
Little Mix star, the lovely Jesy Nelson,
had to leave
a Radio 1 Live Lounge performance
after suffering from a panic attack.
When I went back to work and then
I just had this fear of performing,
for me to be terrified of performing
was so abnormal
because when I was on stage,
that was, like… [scoffs]
…the place I felt the most confident.
I didn't like recording anymore,
which, actually, if you now
go listen back to songs,
I'm hardly on any of the songs
because I would just…
I'd go in the studio
and I was just so down.
I was just like, I don't…
What's the point?
I was like, "I don't care.
I'll go on the chorus."
'Cause I just mentally checked out.
It's like my body was telling me, "Stop."
Like, stop it now.
That was the moment, for me, when
I was like, "I can't do this anymore."
And then…
Um…
[melancholy music playing]
Listen, everyone's gonna have
their version of this story.
I can only speak my truth
of how I felt in this situation.
And I basically just sat everyone down
and I just explained how I was feeling.
I just felt like no one cared.
I felt like everyone was like…
And I remember
one of their responses being like…
[clicks tongue]
"Are you done now? Is that it?"
And I was like…
Okay.
She was like, "Can I go now?"
And I just remember feeling like, "Whoa".
And that just made me feel really, like…
just alone and like
there's just no point to this.
No one… like no one cares.
For a few days before,
she'd just been down and really down
and not talking much,
and I think she was seeing
horrible things written about her again.
And she just wanted to be
on her own quite a lot.
And I just got a gut feeling
that something wasn't right,
so I kept ringing and ringing.
And then I was getting no answer.
And then she eventually answered the phone
but she was talking really slurry
and I could just hear the phone drop
and then I didn't hear anything else.
I knew she had done something.
[audience cheering]
Hello and welcome to
the final of Little Mix: The Search.
Let's hear it for Little Mix!
[audience applauding]
Unfortunately, Jesy is unwell tonight
so won't be joining us,
but she will be rooting
for all of the bands from home.
[audience cheers]
[Charlotte] Yeah, that was when
she was really at rock bottom.
It was so hard to see
your friend like that.
An ambulance was called. Um…
We went to hospital with her.
Um…
This whole wave of sadness come over me.
And I just sat there and I thought,
"This isn't the first time
that you've done this."
[interviewer 2] Do you recall
the first thing you said to her
when she came around?
I just kept cuddling her.
I just can remember saying,
"That's it now. That's it. No more.
You've gotta stop doing
what's making you unhappy."
[music continues]
I just was so sad. Like, I was so down.
I knew from that moment anyway
of coming out of hospital
that I just… I… I just… I couldn't.
I mentally couldn't do it.
[sniffles] And then, um…
And before I could even
have a discussion with the girls,
I needed to figure out where I was legally
in terms of, like,
could I even come out of it now.
Unfortunately, the lawyer ended up letting
them know that I was wanting to leave
before I could even let them know.
So I think they felt really hurt by that,
and it should never have
played out like that.
And I feel mad that
that was taken away from me,
and I didn't get my opportunity
to explain why I couldn't do this anymore.
I was like… mentally got myself ready
and was like,
"Right, I wanna sit down with the girls
now and I wanna chat to them
and tell them why I did what I did
and how I've been feeling,"
and just really explain to them and try
to make them understand how I was feeling.
And then, um… my manager called.
And she was like…
Um…
"So I've spoken to the girls and…
they are happy to chat with you,
but they don't feel comfortable
being in a room with you
unless there's a therapist there."
[melancholy music continues]
And I just remember being like, "What?"
I've lit… just come out of hospital.
This is the time when I need you the most.
I personally believe
that at Jes's lowest, lowest of low times,
that the girls
weren't really there for her,
and I think that's why she's so sad now.
I don't know, I just didn't feel
like they were my sisters.
Like, it's been five years now
and every time I think about it, I'm like,
"Was it them or was it the management?"
I-I will never know that because
we never got to have that conversation.
And then eventually
there was a phone call,
and it was just really awkward.
And it was just so weird
because it was like talking to strangers.
It was so… It was the most
uncomfortable phone call I've ever had.
No one knew what to say.
And that was the last time
I ever spoke to them as a group.
[nostalgic music playing]
Yeah, show me then. Where is it?
-On TV. I'll show you.
-[Zion] Come.
Little Mix.
"Little Mix Holiday".
Go across the… No, no, no. Up.
There.
Boy, have I told ya ♪
-Bloody hell. Is that you?
-Right, see the fit… Yes.
My sky ♪
When it's cold ♪
Yeah, so this was
our last ever performance.
Yeah, it looked really nice. I like it.
-So hot, it's like the middle of July ♪
-Of July ♪
I loved being part of a group.
Feeling feelings I've never felt ♪
Just a touch ♪
[Jesy] When you get on and it works,
there's something so magical.
Don't you keep it all to yourself ♪
I actually really like it.
[music continues]
[interviewer]
Do you miss what you had with them?
Yeah, of course.
It's been so difficult for me
because for so long
there's obviously been this narrative of
"Jesy left and never spoke to them again.
Like she just upped and left."
Like I literally just went, "See ya,"
and like never spoke to them again.
I just really fucking hate that, like,
there was such nine and bit
beautiful years that I had with the girls.
And I actually really, really didn't want
for us to be known
for that, like, one shitty part.
Like, it overrode every amazing thing
that we ever did
and, like, what we stood for.
Just a touch of your love is enough ♪
-To knock me off of my feet all week ♪
-Knock me off my feet, hey! ♪
Just a touch of your love
Just a touch of your love ♪
[Jesy] We had such beautiful times
and we really, really were
like genuine sisters.
And I think that's what's so sad
about this whole thing.
Can you see me glowing?
That's how I feel ♪
[interviewer] Do you ever see yourself
making up with them?
I honestly don't know.
As the years have gone on,
I see both sides.
I see why they would be sad and hurt.
Just a touch of your love is enough
To knock me off of my feet all week ♪
[Jesy] They reached out to me
when I was pregnant.
It was lovely because I never thought that
that would happen.
And yeah, it made me really emotional.
Just a touch of your love ♪
[Jesy] We're grown women now.
We've got kids,
and I just think there's so much
more important things in life.
Is enough to take control
Of my whole body ♪
It's just one of them things
that needs to be put to bed now.
Just a touch of your love ♪
-And now my whole week ♪
-[laughs]
That's enough. The babies are crying.
Please can we stop this now
'cause I'm dying inside.
That's how I feel ♪
Just a touch of your love ♪
[audience applauding]
[host] Give it up for Little Mix!
[tense music playing]
[Jesy] It's like everything
I'd ever dreamed of
to be able to express
who I was as a solo artist.
[exclaiming]
I've never seen her work so hard.
Did it look good? Yay!
She couldn't wait
for this song to be released.
Yay!
My manager pulled me to the side
and he was like, "It's not good."
-[paparazzi 1] Jesy!
-[paparazzi 2] Jesy!
Jesy Nelson is being accused
of so-called "blackfishing."
The whole world was talking about it.
I just feel… yeah, a lot of pressure.
-Ready?
-Yeah.
I'm ready to start my seaside life.
-This is the happiest I've ever seen her.
-[chuckles]
[Zion] How nice is this?
Oh, my God. [laughs]
[cheering]
Thank you for being, like,
the best partner I could ever ask for.
I feel exactly the same.
So on that note…
[chuckles]
No!
[laughing]
[atmospheric music playing]
[fans cheering]
[chanting] Jesy! Jesy! Jesy!
-[fans cheering]
-[chuckles]
Oh, God! I don't even…
[chuckles] …know what to say.
[cheering]
-Oh, I'm a mess. [laughs]
-You're okay, hon.
-We're just blubbery messes tonight.
-Yeah.
London, I think we feel emotional because
it's the last day of the tour, innit?
[Jade Thirlwall] It is, it is.
We just can't believe
it's been eight years
and you guys have still
stood by us for this long.
[fans cheering]
So, from all of us, we just wanna say
from the bottom of our hearts,
that we love you so, so much. [sighs]
[cheering]
And without you guys, none of this
would be possible, so thank you.
[cheering]
Hello, London! Are we ready to do this?
[epic music playing]
[Jesy] I really struggled
keeping all of this in.
London!
Always at the back of my mind, I just
always thought we'd be together forever.
Are you ready?
[fans cheering]
I've never said anything.
I just have always, like, stayed quiet
because I was the one that left,
so I was the one that caused all of this.
I always say what I'm feeling ♪
Whoever leaves first is always, like,
the person that gets the most shit.
I bet they gonna break up
But what the hell do you know? ♪
But yeah…
I'm yours ♪
…I've never been able to say…
[music ends]
it was never actually
my decision to leave first.
Like, I actually didn't want
any of this to happen.
This is my story of how it went.
[photographer sighs] All right, girlies.
Let's mix it up.
[baby cooing]
[Jesy shushes]
Me and Zion really wanna get one of
these pictures tattooed on each of us.
[photographer] Amazing.
-So no pressure. [laughs]
-[photographer] No pressure.
Well, we'll keep going
till midnight, all right?
[laughs]
[Jesy] Yay! Good girlies.
Oh. She's smiling.
[chuckles]
[gasps]
Oh, my God.
-Let me see.
-Oh, my God.
[photographer] Do you want to pick them up
and if you'd just bring me
one at a time, please.
[baby cooing]
Blessing.
-[crying]
-[Jesy] Okay, Bubby. Okay.
[shushes]
I know, poppy. It's okay.
[sighs] This gives me anxiety.
[photographer] She's fine.
They have little wriggles and moans.
I suppose also because you had
such a traumatic beginning…
-Yeah. [chuckles]
-…everything must be like, "Oh, my God!
-What's that?" [chuckles]
-Yeah, literally.
[baby fussing]
-Baby, I don't wanna do it. Yeah.
-[Zion] Hmm? Leave it?
-Jes wants to leave it.
-If you want to.
-That's absolutely fine. No, it's fine.
-Sorry.
[Jesy] I know, sweetie. You've had enough.
This life ain't for you, is it?
Just like mummy. [chuckles]
[Story, Ocean cry]
[interviewer] How regular
were photo shoots for you?
[Jesy] Oh, all the time.
I despised them with a passion.
And do you know what was
so funny about all of us?
We all liked our left side.
-[chuckling] Go on your tiptoes.
-Okay.
So when it came to photos,
we would all be like this.
[paparazzi] Ladies, right here in front
please. Right here in front please.
And the photographer would be like,
"Uh, can one of you…"
and we'd all be like, "No!" [chuckles]
I don't think anything will ever, ever
be able to prepare you for the industry,
and especially when you're in a girl band.
When I was on X Factor,
I was being scrutinised for my weight,
and I, like,
was really struggling with it,
so I was like,
"Right, how can I lose weight?
I know. I remember when I was younger,
my mum used to drink SlimFast."
And I was like, "Right, Perrie,
I need to go get SlimFast."
So we all start sneaking down the aisles
trying to find this SlimFast
and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere,
this guy was like, "Perrie! Jesy!"
He just starts taking pictures.
I was like, "Oh, fuck!"
So I just remember getting SlimFast
and lobbing it to Perrie
and was like, "You hold it."
And this is that picture.
[chuckles]
What a great friend though, honestly.
She really took the heat for me.
["Black Magic" playing]
We're in LA.
This is the start
of a massive trip for us.
I'm rather excited. Are you?
[Jesy] All four of us,
we were just really silly.
We didn't really take
anything too seriously.
And we were so… so similar, but so not.
Had the same sense of humour,
and that's what really got us
through, like, shit times.
We made each other laugh so much.
[in Southern accent] We are here
for the case of Betsy and Wilma.
[chuckles]
Now, I will admit,
I was seeing her husband, Girth.
[band members laughing]
[normal] They did all really get on.
They did, and they were so funny.
I remember one day
they'd found a courtroom
and they all pretended it was a trial
but it was all, like, just off the cuff.
[in Southern accent] I object!
[band members laughing]
[normal] I think that one of the reasons
that we lasted so long,
genuinely, because
we were actually friends.
Like, we were real…
yeah, like, best mates.
-[growls, laughs]
-[screams]
[screams]
-What's wrong?
-I thought it was a fly!
…that promote the band.
[band members chuckling]
Casually hang out with the girls.
Some of them like to get drunk,
some of them don't.
[laughing]
And when they do, it's a party.
[laughing]
[laughing]
[Jade] I remember sometimes
feeling a little bit jealous
'cause she'd call them her sisters
and I'd be like, "Excuse me?"
Um, but they were.
They were like a little pack.
-I love you girls!
-I love you girls!
[Perrie] I love you all so much.
-We got through it.
-All we need is each other!
[all] Yeah! [cheering]
2017, 2019 were really, like, happy times.
I feel like it was like
we were just at the peak of our career.
To me, everyone was just in a good place.
[clicks tongue] But actually, I was wrong.
I remember we got called in for a meeting.
When we're called in for a meeting,
it's either gonna be something amazing
or something really bad.
And I just had this gut feeling
that it wasn't gonna be good.
One of the girls had decided that
they didn't wanna be in the band anymore.
And I just remember feeling like
my whole world had just fell apart.
It's just a really sad day.
And me and Jade really cried.
[interviewer] Can you say
which of the girls it was?
I don't think that's for me to say
because they still haven't said,
so I… that's not for me to say.
[interviewer] And did you tell the person
who was leaving how you felt?
Yeah. And I probably
didn't even handle it very well.
'Cause I was just, like…
I was just… I was devastated
and I couldn't really, in that moment,
maybe give her the understanding
and the support, maybe,
that she needed in that moment.
And that sounds really selfish because…
obviously, that person was really feeling
and going through something,
but at that time,
I just remember thinking,
"I need to mentally prepare myself now
for Little Mix ending."
After that, we were like,
"Right, we now need to put in a plan
of what's now gonna happen."
So we planned our last tour.
All the dates were set in for that.
And that was it really.
That was the last thing
we were gonna do together as a band.
[fans cheering]
[emotional music playing]
So, that was what
we were all gearing up for.
And then Covid happened.
[sombre music playing]
[reporter 1]
The prime minister has announced
the most drastic limits to our lives
that the UK has ever seen
in living memory.
[reporter 2] The shops are closed,
the theatres are dark, the bars are shut.
[Jesy] Lockdown prolonged everything.
So we wasn't allowed to do the tour
when we were supposed to.
Unfortunately, that is then
when everything just got messy.
Daisy, Daisy ♪
[both] Give me your answer do ♪
[Jesy] I was quarantined with
one of my best friends, Charlotte.
I'm half crazy ♪
-Over the love of you ♪
-[laughs]
-[Charlotte] Yay!
-[Jesy] You love that one.
First time when I ever met Charlotte,
she was drunk when she did my eyelashes.
Jesy, no! [laughs]
You were like, "I'm really sorry
but I'm a little bit tipsy right now,
but I actually do eyelashes better
when I'm tipsy,"
-and I was like…
-And I did, didn't I?
-And you did, to be fair.
-Yeah.
You said to me, you was like,
"Oh, my God, it's amazing."
And then that was
the start of our friendship.
-Our messy friendship.
-Yeah.
[Charlotte] Just before lockdown,
Jesy's schedule was crazy.
I remember going to her house at,
like, three, four o'clock in the morning
to do her eyelashes after
she'd finished either rehearsing
or filming the music videos.
[Jesy] There was one time
we went to Australia for a day.
And it was just like… that's not normal.
I was so exhausted. It was non-stop.
Going into lockdown,
it was nice to see her just let go.
What's going on, everyone? Gary here.
Just thought I'd do a quick post
because me and my mate Steve
are still working currently in lockdown.
That's right, girl.
I, uh… I come around, I'm the plumber.
I come deal with all your pipe work.
[Jesy laughs]
Bye.
[both laughing]
You could just see, like, this bright,
beaming light coming from Jesy
that she didn't have before.
[happy music playing]
And I think it's something that
she'd probably craved for so long.
Lockdown happened and I just, like, lived.
-You was yourself.
-[Jesy] Yeah.
I just felt like a kid again
when I was with Charlotte.
Like, I just felt free.
I can't breathe.
[Charlotte, Jesy laughing]
I think she kind of got
some of her old happy ways back
before, like, X Factor.
Like, just hanging out with your friends
and doing stupid things
and silly little videos and things.
[Jesy] I didn't have any cares or worries.
I could eat whatever the fuck I wanted
and it didn't matter
because I didn't have to worry
about doing a music video.
This is so exciting.
Yeah, the diet's out of the window today.
We obviously still had to do
little bits and bobs,
which I was happy to do 'cause
I was in the comfort of my own home.
Just a touch of your love ♪
Just a touch of your love ♪
Photograph with no T-shirt on ♪
[vocalises]
[Jesy] Obviously, I knew the band
was coming to an end
'cause one of the girls
made the decision to leave.
Hi, we're Little Mix and we're about
to play BuzzFeed's "Truth or Wine."
[Perrie, Jade Thirlwall] Ooh.
I don't know. Even when we'd be asked
questions in lockdown in interviews
like, "Oh, do you think Little Mix
will be together forever?"
Or like… I don't know,
and we'd be like, "Yeah."
"Was there ever a time
you were close to disbanding?"
Disbanding mean, like, breaking up?
[both] Yeah.
-Oh.
-[chuckling]
-Breaking up then.
-Um…
-No.
-There wasn't, was there?
Well, not… Um…
No, yeah. I don't feel we've ever…
ever had a conversation about… No.
-No, and actually happening.
-[laughing]
No, you know what I mean.
Like, it's never actually, like, happened.
Oh, I don't bloody know. Drink.
[laughing]
Obviously, in my head, I'm like… [mumbles]
"We're not gonna be here
in a years' time."
I love how much…
[Jesy] I almost felt like I was just
being fake the whole time,
'cause I knew what was about to happen.
That was, like, for me,
when everything changed.
And then I just got a very quick
realisation that I wasn't happy anymore.
So it's just weird to think
that if lockdown didn't happen,
and maybe even
if Charlotte didn't live with me,
maybe my decisions
would have been different.
[interviewer] What was your kind of
relationship with the girls in Covid too
in terms of did you chat
to each other much?
Yeah, every day.
But the funny thing was
they couldn't wait to get back to work,
and I was the total opposite.
I was dreading that phone call.
[ringing]
[interviewer] What was the call?
[Jesy] Well, it was to do a music video.
My stylists at the time were like, "Right,
so obviously the song is called Holiday,
so it's gonna be, like, beachwear."
[chuckles] And I'm thinking, "Fuck off!
No, no. This is my worst nightmare.
I've just stuffed my face in lockdown,
now you want me to wear a bloody bikini?"
And I just remember thinking… [exclaims]
…"I need to go on a diet."
I remember Googling, "Quickest way
to lose a stone in five days."
[ambient music playing]
[Jan] I always worried
when music videos would come up
'cause I know she'd go at extremes
to try and lose weight.
She'd always be starving herself.
And then one time,
I found some injections.
They was obviously weight loss injections.
And I remember finding them
and getting really upset
and like, "Why would you do that?"
[director] Great!
Let's roll video. Roll camera!
I just remember being
on the set of that music video
and I just was struggling the whole day.
[director] Here we go, Jes.
Same performance again.
You're doing amazing, darling.
["Holiday" playing]
Boy ♪
Start again. I can't get that "Boy."
I don't know when to come in.
That was the straw that broke
the camel's back, doing that video.
It brought everything back
from before we went into lockdown.
-Can we start again? I didn't get it.
-Start again, guys.
At this point, she was broken.
[Jesy] The girls, they were still
very much giving a hundred
to everything they were doing,
whereas I just wasn't.
Being a pop star,
she's probably had to hide herself
behind this persona for so long…
[instructor] And again!
…because she has
millions of people to keep happy.
And she probably
felt the pressure of that,
and I think that's probably
what took her back to work.
But in hindsight, you could clearly see
the effects that it was having on her.
Her mental health was suffering.
[music box playing]
[music ends]
[Jesy] Here we are.
[gentle music playing]
[Zion] They look quite realistic there.
Do you… [stammers] … Do you think…
That's a very good one.
Bloody hell, it's Liz.
[Zion] Wow.
And the winner is Jesy Nelson.
-Hey! [chuckles]
-[Zion laughing]
Who are these girls over here?
[Zion exclaims]
[Jesy] So wait, you and Mum,
haven't even seen mine in person.
[Jade] No, I've been here before though
but not seen yours. No.
[music continues]
We wanted to see them
before they get taken down.
It's like a massive achievement,
innit, to be in Madame Tussauds.
Yeah.
As a mum, it kind of shocks you
how much she actually did achieve
and God, you feel so proud.
I don't think she gives herself
enough credit at all
and it's quite sad, really.
[Jesy] Gone are the days
of my nice, plump boobs.
Now they're just saggy sacks.
-[child] Jesy.
-Yeah?
-Can I have a photo of you and…
-Of course you can.
Some of his friends at school
don't believe that you're his auntie.
-[Jesy] Oh, really?
-Yeah.
You see young boys and girls now saying,
"When I grow up, I wanna be famous,"
and if you could tell them
what's involved in it…
-Lovely.
-I feel really guilty as a mum
for encouraging her to even do
The X Factor now.
If I could have that time again,
I wish she had never done it,
never won it, never joined the girl group,
only because of what'll come after
and what came with it.
[interviewer] When you see yourself
all together as a collective,
where does it take you to?
Uh…
I don't know.
I don't know. That's really hard actually.
I would say, like, sad and hurt,
but you know, it's just life, isn't it?
No one stays in their job forever,
especially if it doesn't make them happy.
[interviewer] Do you remember
the last time you were with them all?
Uh…
Yes.
-It was, um… when we were--
-[baby fusses]
Oh, all right, baby. All right, baby.
It was when we were doing
our own TV show called The Search.
Yeah, that was the last time I saw them.
[interviewer] And did you know on that day
that it would be the last time?
No. Mm-mmm.
[melancholy music playing]
[music ends]
[interviewer]
So, why did you leave Little Mix?
So I've never spoken about this.
[inhales, exhales heavily]
Just give me a minute.
[theme music playing]
We got given the TV show, The Search.
["Move" playing]
We are here to find
the next big thing in music.
Let's do this!
And…
-Right.
-So it begins, girls.
So it begins.
Whoever the winner was,
then would go be the support act
for us on the last tour,
which, obviously, no one knew
that it was the last tour either.
Now because of lockdown,
the tour was not gonna be
for another two years.
I just remember being like,
"I can't do it.
I physically cannot do it."
Let's get started!
I know I can't last another two years,
like, with the way I'm feeling.
[interviewer] What was the atmosphere like
between the four of you in that time?
Did it carry on the same
or had it shifted?
I felt like it shifted.
There would be days when I would cry.
There'd be days were I was like
a really miserable bitch.
[downcast music plays]
She just wasn't herself.
She was there but wasn't really there.
You know, like, sometimes
when you just do something
but your mind and heart just wasn't in it.
I don't think her heart was in it anymore.
She was just struggling.
The vocals were great,
rapping was really good
but I have to be honest,
there was something about that performance
that was missing for me.
I think you could have cut
the atmosphere with a knife.
It was… It was just horrible.
Jesy, I don't know
what you were listening to.
-I don't know what you were watching.
-Listen, I said you can't fault it
-but there was something missing for me.
-Right, okay.
Well, that was
an emotional roller coaster.
I'm gonna be honest with you,
I don't know how we're all feeling, lads.
All them little things eventually build up
and build up and build up and build up
and yeah, they do get to
a boiling point at some point.
I can see why they did get angry at times.
Hard to work with someone who's
always down and you're always happy.
It's hard to be around that.
But when you have
all that horrible pressure,
you just become a negative person
and you only see the bad stuff.
I'd been in lockdown, felt that happiness,
and now I'd been swarmed with this,
like, rush of anxiety and insecurities,
which I didn't have when I was at home
and in lockdown and I felt safe.
Like, I started then
having panic attacks again.
I feel like over all of the years
of her being in Little Mix,
all this trauma had been
building up inside of her.
If you're a good performer,
you can cover things up
and keep carrying on,
but there's gonna be
a time when you'll crack
and you just can't take no more.
Little Mix star, the lovely Jesy Nelson,
had to leave
a Radio 1 Live Lounge performance
after suffering from a panic attack.
When I went back to work and then
I just had this fear of performing,
for me to be terrified of performing
was so abnormal
because when I was on stage,
that was, like… [scoffs]
…the place I felt the most confident.
I didn't like recording anymore,
which, actually, if you now
go listen back to songs,
I'm hardly on any of the songs
because I would just…
I'd go in the studio
and I was just so down.
I was just like, I don't…
What's the point?
I was like, "I don't care.
I'll go on the chorus."
'Cause I just mentally checked out.
It's like my body was telling me, "Stop."
Like, stop it now.
That was the moment, for me, when
I was like, "I can't do this anymore."
And then…
Um…
[melancholy music playing]
Listen, everyone's gonna have
their version of this story.
I can only speak my truth
of how I felt in this situation.
And I basically just sat everyone down
and I just explained how I was feeling.
I just felt like no one cared.
I felt like everyone was like…
And I remember
one of their responses being like…
[clicks tongue]
"Are you done now? Is that it?"
And I was like…
Okay.
She was like, "Can I go now?"
And I just remember feeling like, "Whoa".
And that just made me feel really, like…
just alone and like
there's just no point to this.
No one… like no one cares.
For a few days before,
she'd just been down and really down
and not talking much,
and I think she was seeing
horrible things written about her again.
And she just wanted to be
on her own quite a lot.
And I just got a gut feeling
that something wasn't right,
so I kept ringing and ringing.
And then I was getting no answer.
And then she eventually answered the phone
but she was talking really slurry
and I could just hear the phone drop
and then I didn't hear anything else.
I knew she had done something.
[audience cheering]
Hello and welcome to
the final of Little Mix: The Search.
Let's hear it for Little Mix!
[audience applauding]
Unfortunately, Jesy is unwell tonight
so won't be joining us,
but she will be rooting
for all of the bands from home.
[audience cheers]
[Charlotte] Yeah, that was when
she was really at rock bottom.
It was so hard to see
your friend like that.
An ambulance was called. Um…
We went to hospital with her.
Um…
This whole wave of sadness come over me.
And I just sat there and I thought,
"This isn't the first time
that you've done this."
[interviewer 2] Do you recall
the first thing you said to her
when she came around?
I just kept cuddling her.
I just can remember saying,
"That's it now. That's it. No more.
You've gotta stop doing
what's making you unhappy."
[music continues]
I just was so sad. Like, I was so down.
I knew from that moment anyway
of coming out of hospital
that I just… I… I just… I couldn't.
I mentally couldn't do it.
[sniffles] And then, um…
And before I could even
have a discussion with the girls,
I needed to figure out where I was legally
in terms of, like,
could I even come out of it now.
Unfortunately, the lawyer ended up letting
them know that I was wanting to leave
before I could even let them know.
So I think they felt really hurt by that,
and it should never have
played out like that.
And I feel mad that
that was taken away from me,
and I didn't get my opportunity
to explain why I couldn't do this anymore.
I was like… mentally got myself ready
and was like,
"Right, I wanna sit down with the girls
now and I wanna chat to them
and tell them why I did what I did
and how I've been feeling,"
and just really explain to them and try
to make them understand how I was feeling.
And then, um… my manager called.
And she was like…
Um…
"So I've spoken to the girls and…
they are happy to chat with you,
but they don't feel comfortable
being in a room with you
unless there's a therapist there."
[melancholy music continues]
And I just remember being like, "What?"
I've lit… just come out of hospital.
This is the time when I need you the most.
I personally believe
that at Jes's lowest, lowest of low times,
that the girls
weren't really there for her,
and I think that's why she's so sad now.
I don't know, I just didn't feel
like they were my sisters.
Like, it's been five years now
and every time I think about it, I'm like,
"Was it them or was it the management?"
I-I will never know that because
we never got to have that conversation.
And then eventually
there was a phone call,
and it was just really awkward.
And it was just so weird
because it was like talking to strangers.
It was so… It was the most
uncomfortable phone call I've ever had.
No one knew what to say.
And that was the last time
I ever spoke to them as a group.
[nostalgic music playing]
Yeah, show me then. Where is it?
-On TV. I'll show you.
-[Zion] Come.
Little Mix.
"Little Mix Holiday".
Go across the… No, no, no. Up.
There.
Boy, have I told ya ♪
-Bloody hell. Is that you?
-Right, see the fit… Yes.
My sky ♪
When it's cold ♪
Yeah, so this was
our last ever performance.
Yeah, it looked really nice. I like it.
-So hot, it's like the middle of July ♪
-Of July ♪
I loved being part of a group.
Feeling feelings I've never felt ♪
Just a touch ♪
[Jesy] When you get on and it works,
there's something so magical.
Don't you keep it all to yourself ♪
I actually really like it.
[music continues]
[interviewer]
Do you miss what you had with them?
Yeah, of course.
It's been so difficult for me
because for so long
there's obviously been this narrative of
"Jesy left and never spoke to them again.
Like she just upped and left."
Like I literally just went, "See ya,"
and like never spoke to them again.
I just really fucking hate that, like,
there was such nine and bit
beautiful years that I had with the girls.
And I actually really, really didn't want
for us to be known
for that, like, one shitty part.
Like, it overrode every amazing thing
that we ever did
and, like, what we stood for.
Just a touch of your love is enough ♪
-To knock me off of my feet all week ♪
-Knock me off my feet, hey! ♪
Just a touch of your love
Just a touch of your love ♪
[Jesy] We had such beautiful times
and we really, really were
like genuine sisters.
And I think that's what's so sad
about this whole thing.
Can you see me glowing?
That's how I feel ♪
[interviewer] Do you ever see yourself
making up with them?
I honestly don't know.
As the years have gone on,
I see both sides.
I see why they would be sad and hurt.
Just a touch of your love is enough
To knock me off of my feet all week ♪
[Jesy] They reached out to me
when I was pregnant.
It was lovely because I never thought that
that would happen.
And yeah, it made me really emotional.
Just a touch of your love ♪
[Jesy] We're grown women now.
We've got kids,
and I just think there's so much
more important things in life.
Is enough to take control
Of my whole body ♪
It's just one of them things
that needs to be put to bed now.
Just a touch of your love ♪
-And now my whole week ♪
-[laughs]
That's enough. The babies are crying.
Please can we stop this now
'cause I'm dying inside.
That's how I feel ♪
Just a touch of your love ♪
[audience applauding]
[host] Give it up for Little Mix!
[tense music playing]
[Jesy] It's like everything
I'd ever dreamed of
to be able to express
who I was as a solo artist.
[exclaiming]
I've never seen her work so hard.
Did it look good? Yay!
She couldn't wait
for this song to be released.
Yay!
My manager pulled me to the side
and he was like, "It's not good."
-[paparazzi 1] Jesy!
-[paparazzi 2] Jesy!
Jesy Nelson is being accused
of so-called "blackfishing."
The whole world was talking about it.
I just feel… yeah, a lot of pressure.
-Ready?
-Yeah.
I'm ready to start my seaside life.
-This is the happiest I've ever seen her.
-[chuckles]
[Zion] How nice is this?
Oh, my God. [laughs]
[cheering]
Thank you for being, like,
the best partner I could ever ask for.
I feel exactly the same.
So on that note…
[chuckles]
No!
[laughing]