Lopez vs. Lopez (2022) s01e05 Episode Script

1
The pain medication
might make Mr. Furley
a little woozy, so don't let
him text any ex-girlfriends.
When are you going to
retire that corny-ass joke?
When it stops making
everyone's frickin' day.
I saw on the security camera,
we got another compliment.
I love feeling like I'm part of the team
without actually having
to interact with anyone.
Dr. Pocha, it's creepy that
you watch us on the cameras.
I usually charge people for that.
Another one for Mayan.
They love that cat texting
joke. Never retire it.
That means so much
coming from such a
great friend and mentor.
It's like I'm Oprah, and you're Gayle.
I mean, you're Oprah, and I'm Gayle.
- What do you want?
- A 5% raise, my photo on the website,
and Brookie's parking spot?
- I'll give you the raise.
- Yes.
But that's actually my parking spot.
I gave it to Brookie
because I want customers
to think my license
plate says "Bad Bitch."
Congratulations on the raise,
and nice try stealing my parking spot,
but a bad bitch doesn't
walk three blocks.
- Mayan.
- Hey, how'd the T-ball game go?
Amazing.
Two parents thought I was Chance's mom,
and they were reading
books during the game,
so you know they're smart.
I meant how did the game go for Chance?
Oh, it was a bloodbath.
I need a beer and a tequila chaser,
and maybe if I black out,
I can forget that game.
Same. I'll take a milk in my room.
Actually, let's do chocolate milk,
and make it a double.
Where does he get this stuff?
Was the game that bad?
It's not about the scoreboard.
Okay, as their coach,
I am teaching these kids
about courage in the face of defeat.
All you're teaching them is how to lose,
and after losing 14 games in a row,
I think they got it.
You know, it doesn't
matter what you say, George,
'cause as long as I got this hat on,
- I'm the boss.
- Milk!
Yep.
Ay, it's a shame you keep
missing Chance's games.
You need to ask your boss
to let you off work early.
I just asked for a raise. I
can't ask to leave early, too.
- Just do what I do.
- Use one of the three Ds
death, discrimination, or diarrhea.
As a mom, your kid looks up to you.
You don't want to let them down.
So you have to do whatever
it takes to be there for them.
I know, Mom. You were perfect.
Oh, your words, not mine.
I always had a full-time job,
and I still managed to
be at your T-ball games,
your dance recitals, and
your OB-GYN appointments.
That was last week, and
I told you to stop coming.
I'm telling you, Mayan,
you don't want to regret
not being there for Chance
the way someone wasn't
there for your T-ball games.
I was at those T-ball games.
You were passed out in your car.
If a tree falls in the woods
and nobody's there to hear it
it's still in the woods.
It's just laying
there sleeping it off.
You ready for your game, gordo?
Dad, we need to talk.
An open dialogue? That's so mature.
My little man's growing up!
The team voted,
and we don't want you
to be our coach anymore.
You're a baby, and you don't
know what you're talking about.
I'm sorry.
Nobody gets into T-ball
to fire their dad.
I I have the coach's hat.
Yeah, and I'm gonna need
that back for the new guy.
Aw, man! Did we miss it?
- Shoot!
- Wait, wait, wait.
Your your grandpa is taking my place?
And me. I'm the third-base coach.
My first rule is no more
overly positive cheers like,
"Losing isn't hard to do when
we lose to friends like you."
It's catchy, and it
makes everyone feel good.
We've been faking it!
Grandpa and tío Oscar
promised to make us champs!
I want a trophy, dog!
Are you sure, Chance?
As in maybe give your
old man a second one.
Sorry, just like me, you only get one.
Hi, Mom. Why are you mopping?
I just cleaned the floors this morning.
I see you think that's true.
At least it's the
kitchen, not the bedroom.
I feel really weird about
you organizing my sex toys.
- Oh, no, don't worry.
- I disinfected them first.
They're cooling off on the stove.
What are you doing here anyway?
Shouldn't you be at Chance's game?
Did you ask your boss for the time off?
No, because like I told you,
she just gave me a raise.
I'm not gonna leave
her to close by herself.
That's sweet, how you're
bending over backwards
for a total stranger.
If only you had the
same level of dedication
- to your own child.
- Mommy, we won! I hit a home run!
Yeah, it was a great night for everyone.
They won their game,
and I was nominated
to run the snack booth.
You don't miss being the coach?
No, I am loving the
opportunity to show Chance
how to bounce back from rejection
with grace and a mandatory hairnet.
Get ready to bounce again, bro
'cause the kids hated
your figs in a blanket,
Okay, let's get you upstairs, papa.
Damn, I'm exhausted, man.
Those kids don't listen.
They complain, and when you
need 'em, they disappear.
It makes sense they
made you their leader.
You know, Mayan knows the
game, and she's great with kids.
If she was there, she could help you,
and Chance could have
a parent at the games.
I'm there.
Stick to the figs there, Snack Efron.
I'd love Mayan to help,
but she can't get off work.
She only thinks she can't
get off work. Come here.
Just like she thinks that
these floors are clean.
It takes a village to
raise a perfect mom,
and I am that village.
She just took the dog.
You think that's something
we need to worry about?
I think we should be worrying
about what's for dinner.
Now, who can tell me what's
wrong with this sentence?
"Always play fair unless you're losing,"
which is why I want to introduce you
to your newest teammate, Robbie,
AKA the Mexicutioner!
Yo.
We work out at the same gym.
Robbie mostly plays football.
How does that help us?
Okay, imagine Coach Oscar
is the first baseman on the other team.
Robbie comes up at bat. He gets a hit,
and I yell, "Send 'em home, Robbie!"
And boom!
Out for the rest of the season!
- Look who it is.
- I know, I know.
I'm Betty Cracker.
You can say that, not me.
I just wanted to show the team
that when life gives you
lemons, you make lemon bars.
You know what? I know you're upset.
You can drop the act, okay?
There aren't any kids
around to hear you.
One of these days, when
you least expect it,
I will find something you
love and ruin it for you.
Who do we have here?
Hey, Churro. What brings you in today?
That's your cue.
Oh, I thought you read
their minds or something.
- I'm worried about her bad breath.
- Oh.
Well, given that they lick
their butts throughout the day,
you got to cut 'em a little slack.
Hmm, looks good.
I'll give you some dental treats.
Anything else I can do for you?
Yes, you can start treating my daughter
- with a little respect.
- I'm sorry.
- I respect you, Churro.
- No. My daughter is Mayan.
- Your Mayan's mom?
- Oh, I know.
We look like we could be sisters.
And I need you to let her off work early
so she can attend her son's
T-ball games on Thursdays.
Hey, Dr. Pocha, I
Mom? Oh, my God, what's
wrong with Churro?
Nothing. Your mom just came down
to ask if you can leave early
for your son's T-ball games.
She what?
I'm so sorry, Dr. Pocha.
Her brain's been pickled by
huffing Jean Nate and Fabuloso.
- I'll take care of this.
- Okay.
I'll let you two talk.
This mother-daughter dynamic
is why I came in one weekend
and spayed myself.
I didn't.
Or did I?
I can't believe you showed up at my work
and confronted my boss
I'm so embarrassed.
What? You weren't going
to do it, so I did.
- I'm a doer.
- This isn't double-mopping my floors
or asking my gyno to
look a little deeper.
This is my place of work.
How is my boss supposed to respect me
- when my own mother doesn't?
- Okay.
It's not even my fault.
If you want to blame
someone, blame your father.
Ho-ho, I will.
- Wait, for what?
- Yeah.
He was complaining like always, saying,
"Oh, coaching these
kids it's too hard.
I'm overwhelmed.
I don't know how to be a husband,
a father, a lover, a coach. Orale."
And then he asked me to come
speak to your boss, so I did.
It could've been so much worse, Mayan.
Okay, so you were trying to respect me,
but Dad put you in a bad situation.
I'm sorry, Mom.
All is forgiven not
forgotten but forgiven.
Coach Grandpa, I'm so uncomfortable.
Why do I have to sleep on my glove?
Quickest way to break
it in is to sleep on it
- with a baseball inside.
- You should do it.
You weigh, like, five
times more than me.
All right, first, no body-shaming,
and, second, you're higher up,
so gravity makes you heavier.
Dad, I need to talk to you.
If this is about his
weight, don't go there.
Someone's delicate tonight.
Chance, put on your headphones.
Ooh, you're in trouble.
Mom, said you sent her to tell
my boss to let me leave early.
What? I didn't tell her to do anything.
And even if I had,
name one time that that
woman's ever listened to me
even when we used our
safe word, "chorizo."
Gross, and don't gaslight me.
- I would never gaslight you.
- Gas is way too expensive.
You know what? I can
prove that she's lying.
Quinten, get in here.
Presenting my star
witness Gringo Starr.
What's going on?
Uh, hey, you were there
when I was talking to Rosie.
Did I tell her to go to Mayan's
work and talk to her boss?
No, Rosie made some ominous
comments and kidnapped the dog.
I was gonna stop her, but
I did not want to offend
the only person who can
get our floors clean.
Yeah, you see? Innocent.
I don't know what's more shocking
that you told the truth
or that Mom lied to me.
Well, she probably gaslit you, too.
I mean, she's got a good job.
She can afford many gallons.
The good thing is that I'm here now,
you know, to defend
myself against those lies.
Wow, you think she's done this before
- blamed you for things that she's done?
- Uh, yeah.
She wanted me to seem worse than I am.
I'm bad enough. I don't need her help.
Ooh, Grandma's in trouble.
You're not supposed
to hear with those on.
Ooh, now I'm in trouble.
I'm here. Where did Churro vomit?
I brought my special blend
of Fabuloso and lighter fluid.
The only thing we'll be cleaning
up today are your lies
Menti-Rosie.
What's the viejo talking about?
Mom, there's no Churro vomit.
I lied to get you over here
because I know Dad didn't
ask you to show up at my work,
and we need to talk about it.
- Did he tell you this?
- And you believed him?
He's a liar. He fakes his diarrhea.
There, we talked about it.
Quinten confirmed it.
You're never gonna clean
our floors again, are you?
I got out my diaries
because now I need to know
what childhood traumas you blamed on Dad
- and which ones were you.
- So buckle up, bruja!
Because all your gas
is coming to the light!
When we're done here,
we really need to explain
gaslighting to you.
Just keep score, Vanna Whiteboy.
Here's my top-ten traumas
from the early aughts.
Trauma number one
the time nobody showed
up to drive me home,
and I was left at Ross for five hours.
- Mom or Dad?
- Surprise, your dad.
I thought Ross was the babysitter.
- Okay, that's one for George.
- Number two
the Easter egg hunt with no eggs.
Mom said you used all of
them to make an Easter eggnog.
- Not possible
- I spent every Easter in Vegas with Bunny Perez.
And she assured me that
she didn't have any eggs.
- I forgot to put them out.
- Okay, that's a Rosie one.
Dead hamster?
Let legally blind grandma cut my hair?
Deported uncle?
Decapitated Barbie?
Dead hamster number two?
Girl Scout scam?
I think we could use
a little snack break.
Two dead hamsters?
We got to keep your
parents away from Churro.
I'm gonna post this on my Instagram.
Rosie la reinais to blame-a.
Yeah, you're really
having fun with this, huh?
I always knew you were
poisoning Mayan against me.
Congratulations.
You finally have proof that
I am not the perfect mom.
But guess what. I've
known that for years.
- Why are you agreeing with me?
- Is this what gaslighting is?
Ay.
You remember that summer that
Mayan stayed at my sister's,
and I told you that it was
because I needed bunion surgery?
Yeah, yeah, you went to Mexico.
I never went to Mexico.
I dropped Mayan off, went back home,
pulled down the shades, got in bed,
and cried for three weeks straight.
Later, I found out I
had a nervous breakdown.
Wow, I'm I mean, is
that what the doctor said?
- Ay, doctor?
- I couldn't afford a doctor.
I saw that on "Grey's Anatomy."
I mean, uh, how come you never told me?
Because you being gone was part of it.
I was working three jobs,
trying to start a new business,
raising a kid who was
heartbroken after we split up.
I was just trying to hold it
together until I couldn't.
Wow, I mean, you never said anything.
- Every time I saw you, you looked hot.
- Thank you.
I know.
- Mayan never said anything.
- Oh, Mayan didn't know.
I wanted to be perfect for her
because everything in her life wasn't.
But I just couldn't
keep it up. So, yeah
sometimes I threw you under the bus
when I screwed up.
- That's how I survived.
- Wow.
Let's move to the middle-school years.
Yeah, we don't have to go through this.
I recognize this.
These were all the mescal years.
Yeah, you know what? Those are all me.
Winner, winner! Pollo Loco dinner!
This is not a game you want to win.
I'm okay with that.
What do you know about winning anyways?
- You want a drink?
- Sure, what do you got?
Oh, remembering all the mescal years
made me thirsty for
mescal.
You know, a lot of that stuff
on that last list was my fault.
Why'd you take the blame?
You did a great job raising Mayan,
despite everything that I threw at you.
And maybe you weren't the perfect mom,
but you were the
perfect mom for Mayan.
- You really think so?
- Yeah.
And the proof is in that
firecracker out there
in the living room.
And I understand why
you did what you did.
I mean, let's face it.
If we played that game
listing all the wrongdoings
I did to you, we'd run out of ink.
Is that an apology?
I'm starting to learn
that a little "lo
siento" goes a long way.
Okay, so we don't have to
break out my old diaries
- and read through them?
- No.
Only the dirty parts.
Those were some good parts.
Chorizo.
Chorizo.
Ay, Dios mío.
Okay, gordo, ready to
go kick some T-balls?
Grandpa, we need to talk.
Oh, my God, he's firing us.
Not my call.
All the cheating was filmed
and made into a TikTok
by a mystery parent.
Send him home, Robbie! Whoo!
And he didn't even tag
me what a monster.
It was someone named "@VannaWhiteboy."
Well, guess I'll take my hat back.
Actually, I hired the perfect coach.
Coach Mom in the house.
How can you be coach?
I thought you weren't
going to ask to leave early.
I didn't have to.
I told the league it was discrimination
against working moms to
have games before 5:00 p.m.
You used one of the three Ds?
That's the one people are afraid of.
Well, look who's coming
through for Chance me.
Oh, because I inspired you.
You crossed a line and
really embarrassed me.
Oh, I know. It was a bit much.
- Lo siento.
- I forgive you.
Aw, I forgive you, too.
- For what?
- Lots of things.
Oh, but I don't keep a
list like a little bitch.