MacGruber (2021) s01e05 Episode Script
Through the Looking Glass
1
Vicki. Vicki, come in!
Vicki.
This is fun. Where are we going?
Vicki! Vicki!
Vicki, come in!
Vicki, do you copy?
Shit, her signal's dead.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Okay, Checkers,
looks like Vicki is forcing us
to go with plan B.
And I'm not talking about
the morning-after pill,
which I have used several
times after one night stands
and a few times with
long-term relationships
in which I just wasn't ready
to make that kind of commitment yet.
But no, the other plan B,
an alternate plan to plan A,
which Vicki just fucking torpedoed
like a Russian U-boat.
Right.
Ooh, driving fast.
Got her.
They're in a black SUV
heading east on Bayshore.
Shit, Checkers, meet at the Miata, stat!
Vicky, Vicky, do you copy?
Do you copy?
Vicky, do you copy?
Oh, thank God.
I copy.
Sorry, I just
have to clear my throat.
Oh, gotcha, Vicki!
Okay, look, we lost your 20.
So any information you could
sneak us would be a big help.
Keep it down back there.
Sorry.
I get carsick if I don't sing to myself
in an American accent.
Doing a great job, Vick.
But can you give us
anything more specific?
Gravel road?
She must've left downtown.
All right, that's great, Vick.
You're in silver medal territory,
but we're going for the gold.
Got it.
I know where she is.
Nice, Checkers.
Vicki, we're on our way.
There's only one active rail line
near the old wrecking yard.
This has to be the place.
Bingo.
They must've already taken her inside.
Shit!
All right, Checkers.
Time to pump the bump.
MacGruber, we have no idea
what we're up against in there.
I think it's time to call the cavalry.
Checkers
we are the fucking cavalry.
I overextended it. Hang on.
Let me get the key in here.
Dr. Poliskaya.
It is a pleasure to finally meet you.
And a very pleasure
to meet you, Mr.
I've been such a fan
of yours since Oslo.
Oslo.
Well, we should probably get to work.
Great. Let me show you to the lab.
Vicki, we made it inside.
Look, this may be your last chance.
We can provide cover fire, okay?
So just make a break
for it and head for us.
We're roughly, like,
10 feet above you, right?
At your, like,
7:00 a.m. Pacific Standard Time.
No, no, no, no, no, like, 6:00 a.m.?
So 7:00 a.m. Mountain Standard Time.
No, Checkers, would
you say this is 7:00?
We're upstairs.
Checkers, don't confuse her!
Vicki, I am so sorry about him.
So, like, 7:00-ish and maybe 12 feet.
Wait, wait, wait, Vicki!
Vicki, Vicki, Vicki, Vicki!
Vicki, Vicki, Vicki, Vicki!
Vicki, Vicki, Vicki!
Vicki, Vicki, Vicki!
Vicki, Vicki, Vicki!
Vicki, Vicki shit!
She turned off her ear thingy.
Oh, no, damn it!
Nice going, Checkers!
Sorry.
I think you'll find that everything
is exactly to your specifications.
Yes.
I very hope it's acceptable.
Mm-hmm.
Ah, little refrigerator.
Nope. Hmm. Something else.
These are good for
looking at small things.
Mm-hmm.
Use a lot of cabinets for my
tubes.
Ah, this is
missing, um, s
Oh!
There it is.
Then I guess we are, as you say,
very set to jet.
Shit. What's the play here?
What's the fucking play?
Maybe we just stand down.
It looks like it's working.
What happens when she
destroys Brimstone?
They'll kill her!
I know this is difficult,
but like you said, Vicki's a soldier.
This is her call.
No!
MacGruber!
Where are you going?
Shit.
So where is the item?
I thought you'd never ask.
Freeze!
Make one more move
and I'll blow your fucking hands off
and then use the remaining bullets
to explode your fucking head!
Put your fucking hands up, woman!
And not a move from anyone else.
Hello, Lon, Baker, Bex,
other assorted pieces of fucking shit.
That woman is not who you think she is.
She's not a Russian scientist,
but rather an American soldier.
That man is insane.
He does not know what
he's talking about.
Her sole intention is to
get ahold of Brimstone
and destroy it.
And unless you want that to happen,
you will do exactly as I say.
Now, Lon, slowly raise your gun
and point it at Vicki's head.
Point your gun at her head
or I will shoot her in the head!
Slowly. Good boy.
Nice job.
Now, if she so much as breathes
in the direction of that canister,
you empty those clips
into her, all right?
Hang on. BRB.
- All right.
- Jesus.
Yeah, yeah.
What's this here, you wonder.
This is the real Irina Poliskaya!
Yeah, we were able to
switch her out at the hotel.
And you dumb pieces of shit had no idea.
Yeah, we fucking pwned you so hard.
Now I propose a little trade.
So what do you say,
you wanna let Vicki go?
Continue Queeth's evil plan?
Or you wanna kill Vicki
and make me kill Irina
and probably most of you,
and then everyone's gotta
go to a bunch of funerals?
How do we know she's the real scientist?
Say some fucking science shit.
Weaponizing the compounds
depends on the practical aerosolization,
which is synthesis of exactly 0.74
microns per million.
Checks out.
Now you go.
Cooking an egg is a science.
Folding towels is a science.
Okay, you can have her.
Send over the real scientist first.
No fucking way!
You send Vicki first,
then I send the scientist.
- No deal.
- Fuck!
Okay, same timesies?
Fine, but if anything funny happens
She's dead.
You took the words
right out of my mouth.
I mean, I was literally about to say,
"If anything funny happens,
the scientist dies."
I mean, it's not exactly the same,
but same gist.
Let's get on with this!
Okay, so, ladies, let's start walking
in three, two, one.
Walk.
He said, "Walk."
You don't have to do this.
Go to hell.
Eat a toilet sandwich!
- What?
- I don't know.
Run, Vicki!
Vicki, stay down!
You're safe now!
Oh, oh, oh!
Checkers, Checkers, we're out of ammo!
Where the hell are you?
God damn it, Checkers,
we're sitting ducks here!
What's the fucking play here?
Hey, Lon!
You better check yourself!
We got, uh, plenty of bullets over here!
No, we don't! He's lying!
Vicki!
You're gonna believe her?
A known liar who just lied to your face?
Or are you gonna believe this?
Kill them.
Oh, fuck!
We're gonna die!
Checkers!
Lon, no!
Lon! Lon, no!
Get in!
Oh, my God, Checkers!
Did you break my Club?
Just get in the fucking car!
It's my car, I'm driving!
Jesus Christ!
Ow!
What the hell are you doing?
Oh, my God, MacGruber!
Why are we going backwards?
MacGruber, what are you doing?
We should be going after Brimstone!
Yeah, we can't let them escape!
Relax.
They're not going anywhere.
They got a whirlybird.
A helicopter.
Shit.
Thought we were gonna lose
you there for a second.
Glad you're okay.
I'm out.
Out?
What what do you mean "out"?
I'm finished. I'm off the mission.
But Vicki, we had them
right where we want them.
Running scared.
I almost had Brimstone!
I almost stopped this entire thing!
And you would've died!
Yeah, and now millions
of people are gonna die
because you didn't let me do my job!
I couldn't let you do that.
That wasn't your decision to make!
No, I'm not gonna do this anymore.
It's time to bring in the government.
Oh, I see.
So when the going gets tough,
the tough run back
to their floppy-dicked husbands.
Okay, I am not gonna have you talk
about my husband like that anymore.
Come on, he's a friggin' dirty diaper
with arms, legs, and half a brain.
Barrett is a good man
who is kind and decent
and good at what he does.
And you know what, unlike you,
he actually listens to me.
You could learn something from him.
Well, look at that.
I'm having déjà vu.
What is that supposed to mean?
It means you've left me before.
And I remember how it feels.
Sitting in prison, scared, lonely,
and a man in a suit comes to
deliver me divorce papers?
Yeah, that was fun.
You ended our marriage
when you pointed at me
during your murder trial and said,
"She did it!"
But you did do it, Vicki!
You stole my heart and
you aided and abetted
in making me the happiest man on Earth.
But they mistook my
words as an accusation
'cause it came so close to the question
the judge had just asked
about how I pleaded.
Goodbye, MacGruber.
You know what, Vicki?
Maybe I was wrong about you.
Maybe you are just a housewife.
You know, for years,
whenever anyone ever said
anything bad about you
And they did
I defended you.
So maybe I was wrong about you.
Maybe you have lost it.
Heck, maybe you never had
it in the first place.
And then there were two.
- I'm out.
- Checkers, no!
MacGruber,
this whole operation has gone worse
than I ever imagined.
And I had imagined it going horribly.
This is over.
Checkers sorry, Piper, Piper!
Look, Piper.
Please.
Queeth destroyed my father.
He killed my mother.
You gotta help me stop him.
Look, I can't do anything
about your family.
But if you love this country
as much as you say you do,
you'll go to Fasoose
and tell him everything.
But Vicki's already doing that.
Then I guess I'll see her there.
She was beautiful, wasn't she?
She was.
Hello, Father.
Hello, son.
Didn't think I'd ever see you again.
So you got my letter.
I did.
It was hard to read.
Yeah, there was a lot of
emotional stuff in there.
No, I mean your handwriting
was barely legible.
Sounds like me.
I miss her.
I miss her too.
Daddy
do you think I'm good at what I do?
Why?
What's going on?
Oh.
What's wrong?
I screwed up. I screwed up big-time!
I basically gave the friggin' bad guys
everything they need to
destroy the fucking world!
And now Piper and Vicki
have left the mission.
They even told me they
think I've lost it.
And I don't know.
Maybe they're right.
And the worst part about it
it's Queeth, Daddy.
It's fucking Queeth!
There, there.
Let it all out.
We'll get through this together.
I just you know, I always
wanted to make you proud.
But I failed.
And I'm so sorry for letting you down.
Look at me.
Look at me.
You never let me down.
In fact
I always felt like I let you down.
No. No.
You lift me up higher than
the highest mountaintop.
Daddy, you're my hero.
MacGruber, can I get real with you?
Like, really, really real?
You're my hero.
And you always have been.
What?
You're my good boy.
And I'm so proud to be your daddy.
Well, I'm about to
make you even prouder.
What are you doing?
I'm going after Queeth.
No. No, please. It's too dangerous.
I have to do something!
Yes, you do!
And I think you already know what it is.
Turn yourself in.
You know I can't do that!
You have no other choice!
What, you want me to just give up?
You want Queeth to win?
I want Queeth to burn
in hell for eternity!
Then why won't you let me do this?
Because I already had
to bury your mother,
and I don't wanna bury you too.
Turn yourself in, son.
Only way I'll know Queeth
can't get to my baby boy.
Please do this.
For me.
For her.
Okay.
Okay.
She would be so proud of you.
Now go be Daddy's little hero.
Hm.
They say that the footsteps
of the "Apollo"
astronauts will stay there on the moon
for 100 million years.
And it makes you think,
wonder where we'll be then.
Guess you know why I'm here.
Thought I'd save you the trouble.
Shall we?
Soldier!
You know, Victoria and Dixon Piper
paid me a visit earlier.
They told me about how you led
Queeth's team to the weapon.
How you gave it up without a fight.
How you personally put
the enemy in a position
to synthesize it.
That's exactly what happened.
They also told me
that you put yourself in harm's way,
risked your own life to save Victoria's.
Is that accurate?
Yes.
Mac, as a career military man,
I'm forced to look at your actions
as complete and utter insubordination.
An offense which requires
your immediate court-martial.
But as a husband
I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Let's just call it even.
Sir, I'm so sorry.
I'd never forgive myself
if I didn't ask, though.
Is there any way I can be of service?
- MacGruber
- Look, I know I've been
a bit of a loose cannon.
But what if I was a tight cannon?
Operating under your command
in whatever capacity you see fit.
Hell, I'd take you to the fucking prom
if it helped bring down Queeth.
I'm sorry, Mac.
Fuck!
You have any idea what it's like
to see your mother's brains splatter
all over your face and cake?
Or what it's like to
come back from deployment
to find your dad giving
hand jobs to crack dealers
for his next crack rock?
Queeth fucking broke us!
He broke us.
Please!
I'm begging you!
I am fucking begging you.
Please.
I'll jack you off.
Just right here.
You can come on my face.
All right? Is that what you want?
Then I want it too.
All right, come on, please.
Come on, please.
Come on me.
Come on my face.
Come on my face.
- Hi, General!
- Hey, yeah! Hey, Jerry.
Why won't you just come on me?
Good to see you. Good night.
I'm begging you!
Get up, Mac.
You didn't get those from me.
Queeth's location?
It's a dead zone, and yet,
there's a persistent heat
signature that suggests
the presence of anywhere
from 50 to 100 hostiles.
Tomorrow, we've scheduled a
drone strike at 2100 hours.
- That's 9:00 p.m.
- 9:00 p.m., yep!
Yes, yes. 9:00 p.m.
- Prime time.
- Sure, whatever.
Listen, Mac, if you
get yourself in there,
Queeth's almost as good as yours.
But that strike is gonna
happen no matter what.
We are not going to risk
Queeth escaping a second time.
You hear me?
I don't know what to say, General.
But if I did
probably sound a lot like thank you.
After everything that
you've done for our country,
the least we can do
is offer you a chance
to get some closure.
I won't let you down.
Hello, Vicki.
- MacGruber, you shouldn't be
- Vicki, wait.
There are a few things I
need to get off my chest,
and I don't have much time.
I'm listening.
I need you to know
that I'm sorry.
I mean, the only reason
that I lied about you in court
was 'cause I wanted you
there in prison with me.
Because I didn't know
how to live without you.
There are so many things
I wish I could change
about the past, but I can't.
You're not my property.
Not anymore.
Thank you for saying that.
We had an electric love.
But that was years ago.
And I'm so happy that you've moved on
and found new love with Barrett.
I have moved on.
And I'm happy that you've realized that.
- I do.
- I mean, it's not like
I think about you every night
and pine for your touch.
No.
Staring into my husband's eyes
wishing they were yours.
Kissing him and imagining
your perfect lips
and tongue dancing with mine
flicking, groping, asking
- answering.
- Of course not.
Tongues intertwined, twisted,
coiled liked two serpents.
Like the two snakes on
that medical doctor symbol.
I don't know that one.
When I'm intimate with my husband,
I do not yearn for your sharp scent.
No.
I don't close my eyes
and trace Barrett's
testicles with my tongue,
remembering every wrinkle
and pimple on yours.
- No.
- And I don't round the horn
with my mouth and nose,
hoping to helplessly fall down
your rabbit hole like
Alice in the looking glass,
forgetting myself,
forgetting everything,
becoming at once tiny and giant,
losing myself in your musky,
damp, verdant
life-giving earth.
You don't do any of those things.
I feel free.
I'm so happy that you
feel that same freedom.
- Praise be.
- Amen.
Now before I go,
there's something I want you to have.
Your locket?
It's saved my life countless times.
Look inside.
- Are these
- Your pubic hairs?
Yes.
MacGruber.
After the first night we made love,
I found a bunch of those
bad boys in your underpants.
So one by one, I plucked
out the freshest,
and I bought that beautiful
locket to house them.
I've worn that around
my neck ever since.
Every time the world feels
like it's caving in around me,
I just touch that locket,
think about what's inside
and the woman they were attached to.
Me.
And I'm whole again.
That's the power you have.
You did that.
You!
But that locket, that's
not mine anymore.
That's Barrett's locket now.
And I want you to give that to him
and tell him the story
that I just told you
word-for-word when you do.
I will.
Well
Smell you later, Vick.
And I mean that with
every fiber of my being.
I will smell you later.
Hope you motherfuckers are ready.
'Cause MacGruber's coming for you.
Later today.
Or, uh, tonight.
Night's probably better.
Probably tonight.
Probably tonight.
Vicki. Vicki, come in!
Vicki.
This is fun. Where are we going?
Vicki! Vicki!
Vicki, come in!
Vicki, do you copy?
Shit, her signal's dead.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Okay, Checkers,
looks like Vicki is forcing us
to go with plan B.
And I'm not talking about
the morning-after pill,
which I have used several
times after one night stands
and a few times with
long-term relationships
in which I just wasn't ready
to make that kind of commitment yet.
But no, the other plan B,
an alternate plan to plan A,
which Vicki just fucking torpedoed
like a Russian U-boat.
Right.
Ooh, driving fast.
Got her.
They're in a black SUV
heading east on Bayshore.
Shit, Checkers, meet at the Miata, stat!
Vicky, Vicky, do you copy?
Do you copy?
Vicky, do you copy?
Oh, thank God.
I copy.
Sorry, I just
have to clear my throat.
Oh, gotcha, Vicki!
Okay, look, we lost your 20.
So any information you could
sneak us would be a big help.
Keep it down back there.
Sorry.
I get carsick if I don't sing to myself
in an American accent.
Doing a great job, Vick.
But can you give us
anything more specific?
Gravel road?
She must've left downtown.
All right, that's great, Vick.
You're in silver medal territory,
but we're going for the gold.
Got it.
I know where she is.
Nice, Checkers.
Vicki, we're on our way.
There's only one active rail line
near the old wrecking yard.
This has to be the place.
Bingo.
They must've already taken her inside.
Shit!
All right, Checkers.
Time to pump the bump.
MacGruber, we have no idea
what we're up against in there.
I think it's time to call the cavalry.
Checkers
we are the fucking cavalry.
I overextended it. Hang on.
Let me get the key in here.
Dr. Poliskaya.
It is a pleasure to finally meet you.
And a very pleasure
to meet you, Mr.
I've been such a fan
of yours since Oslo.
Oslo.
Well, we should probably get to work.
Great. Let me show you to the lab.
Vicki, we made it inside.
Look, this may be your last chance.
We can provide cover fire, okay?
So just make a break
for it and head for us.
We're roughly, like,
10 feet above you, right?
At your, like,
7:00 a.m. Pacific Standard Time.
No, no, no, no, no, like, 6:00 a.m.?
So 7:00 a.m. Mountain Standard Time.
No, Checkers, would
you say this is 7:00?
We're upstairs.
Checkers, don't confuse her!
Vicki, I am so sorry about him.
So, like, 7:00-ish and maybe 12 feet.
Wait, wait, wait, Vicki!
Vicki, Vicki, Vicki, Vicki!
Vicki, Vicki, Vicki, Vicki!
Vicki, Vicki, Vicki!
Vicki, Vicki, Vicki!
Vicki, Vicki, Vicki!
Vicki, Vicki shit!
She turned off her ear thingy.
Oh, no, damn it!
Nice going, Checkers!
Sorry.
I think you'll find that everything
is exactly to your specifications.
Yes.
I very hope it's acceptable.
Mm-hmm.
Ah, little refrigerator.
Nope. Hmm. Something else.
These are good for
looking at small things.
Mm-hmm.
Use a lot of cabinets for my
tubes.
Ah, this is
missing, um, s
Oh!
There it is.
Then I guess we are, as you say,
very set to jet.
Shit. What's the play here?
What's the fucking play?
Maybe we just stand down.
It looks like it's working.
What happens when she
destroys Brimstone?
They'll kill her!
I know this is difficult,
but like you said, Vicki's a soldier.
This is her call.
No!
MacGruber!
Where are you going?
Shit.
So where is the item?
I thought you'd never ask.
Freeze!
Make one more move
and I'll blow your fucking hands off
and then use the remaining bullets
to explode your fucking head!
Put your fucking hands up, woman!
And not a move from anyone else.
Hello, Lon, Baker, Bex,
other assorted pieces of fucking shit.
That woman is not who you think she is.
She's not a Russian scientist,
but rather an American soldier.
That man is insane.
He does not know what
he's talking about.
Her sole intention is to
get ahold of Brimstone
and destroy it.
And unless you want that to happen,
you will do exactly as I say.
Now, Lon, slowly raise your gun
and point it at Vicki's head.
Point your gun at her head
or I will shoot her in the head!
Slowly. Good boy.
Nice job.
Now, if she so much as breathes
in the direction of that canister,
you empty those clips
into her, all right?
Hang on. BRB.
- All right.
- Jesus.
Yeah, yeah.
What's this here, you wonder.
This is the real Irina Poliskaya!
Yeah, we were able to
switch her out at the hotel.
And you dumb pieces of shit had no idea.
Yeah, we fucking pwned you so hard.
Now I propose a little trade.
So what do you say,
you wanna let Vicki go?
Continue Queeth's evil plan?
Or you wanna kill Vicki
and make me kill Irina
and probably most of you,
and then everyone's gotta
go to a bunch of funerals?
How do we know she's the real scientist?
Say some fucking science shit.
Weaponizing the compounds
depends on the practical aerosolization,
which is synthesis of exactly 0.74
microns per million.
Checks out.
Now you go.
Cooking an egg is a science.
Folding towels is a science.
Okay, you can have her.
Send over the real scientist first.
No fucking way!
You send Vicki first,
then I send the scientist.
- No deal.
- Fuck!
Okay, same timesies?
Fine, but if anything funny happens
She's dead.
You took the words
right out of my mouth.
I mean, I was literally about to say,
"If anything funny happens,
the scientist dies."
I mean, it's not exactly the same,
but same gist.
Let's get on with this!
Okay, so, ladies, let's start walking
in three, two, one.
Walk.
He said, "Walk."
You don't have to do this.
Go to hell.
Eat a toilet sandwich!
- What?
- I don't know.
Run, Vicki!
Vicki, stay down!
You're safe now!
Oh, oh, oh!
Checkers, Checkers, we're out of ammo!
Where the hell are you?
God damn it, Checkers,
we're sitting ducks here!
What's the fucking play here?
Hey, Lon!
You better check yourself!
We got, uh, plenty of bullets over here!
No, we don't! He's lying!
Vicki!
You're gonna believe her?
A known liar who just lied to your face?
Or are you gonna believe this?
Kill them.
Oh, fuck!
We're gonna die!
Checkers!
Lon, no!
Lon! Lon, no!
Get in!
Oh, my God, Checkers!
Did you break my Club?
Just get in the fucking car!
It's my car, I'm driving!
Jesus Christ!
Ow!
What the hell are you doing?
Oh, my God, MacGruber!
Why are we going backwards?
MacGruber, what are you doing?
We should be going after Brimstone!
Yeah, we can't let them escape!
Relax.
They're not going anywhere.
They got a whirlybird.
A helicopter.
Shit.
Thought we were gonna lose
you there for a second.
Glad you're okay.
I'm out.
Out?
What what do you mean "out"?
I'm finished. I'm off the mission.
But Vicki, we had them
right where we want them.
Running scared.
I almost had Brimstone!
I almost stopped this entire thing!
And you would've died!
Yeah, and now millions
of people are gonna die
because you didn't let me do my job!
I couldn't let you do that.
That wasn't your decision to make!
No, I'm not gonna do this anymore.
It's time to bring in the government.
Oh, I see.
So when the going gets tough,
the tough run back
to their floppy-dicked husbands.
Okay, I am not gonna have you talk
about my husband like that anymore.
Come on, he's a friggin' dirty diaper
with arms, legs, and half a brain.
Barrett is a good man
who is kind and decent
and good at what he does.
And you know what, unlike you,
he actually listens to me.
You could learn something from him.
Well, look at that.
I'm having déjà vu.
What is that supposed to mean?
It means you've left me before.
And I remember how it feels.
Sitting in prison, scared, lonely,
and a man in a suit comes to
deliver me divorce papers?
Yeah, that was fun.
You ended our marriage
when you pointed at me
during your murder trial and said,
"She did it!"
But you did do it, Vicki!
You stole my heart and
you aided and abetted
in making me the happiest man on Earth.
But they mistook my
words as an accusation
'cause it came so close to the question
the judge had just asked
about how I pleaded.
Goodbye, MacGruber.
You know what, Vicki?
Maybe I was wrong about you.
Maybe you are just a housewife.
You know, for years,
whenever anyone ever said
anything bad about you
And they did
I defended you.
So maybe I was wrong about you.
Maybe you have lost it.
Heck, maybe you never had
it in the first place.
And then there were two.
- I'm out.
- Checkers, no!
MacGruber,
this whole operation has gone worse
than I ever imagined.
And I had imagined it going horribly.
This is over.
Checkers sorry, Piper, Piper!
Look, Piper.
Please.
Queeth destroyed my father.
He killed my mother.
You gotta help me stop him.
Look, I can't do anything
about your family.
But if you love this country
as much as you say you do,
you'll go to Fasoose
and tell him everything.
But Vicki's already doing that.
Then I guess I'll see her there.
She was beautiful, wasn't she?
She was.
Hello, Father.
Hello, son.
Didn't think I'd ever see you again.
So you got my letter.
I did.
It was hard to read.
Yeah, there was a lot of
emotional stuff in there.
No, I mean your handwriting
was barely legible.
Sounds like me.
I miss her.
I miss her too.
Daddy
do you think I'm good at what I do?
Why?
What's going on?
Oh.
What's wrong?
I screwed up. I screwed up big-time!
I basically gave the friggin' bad guys
everything they need to
destroy the fucking world!
And now Piper and Vicki
have left the mission.
They even told me they
think I've lost it.
And I don't know.
Maybe they're right.
And the worst part about it
it's Queeth, Daddy.
It's fucking Queeth!
There, there.
Let it all out.
We'll get through this together.
I just you know, I always
wanted to make you proud.
But I failed.
And I'm so sorry for letting you down.
Look at me.
Look at me.
You never let me down.
In fact
I always felt like I let you down.
No. No.
You lift me up higher than
the highest mountaintop.
Daddy, you're my hero.
MacGruber, can I get real with you?
Like, really, really real?
You're my hero.
And you always have been.
What?
You're my good boy.
And I'm so proud to be your daddy.
Well, I'm about to
make you even prouder.
What are you doing?
I'm going after Queeth.
No. No, please. It's too dangerous.
I have to do something!
Yes, you do!
And I think you already know what it is.
Turn yourself in.
You know I can't do that!
You have no other choice!
What, you want me to just give up?
You want Queeth to win?
I want Queeth to burn
in hell for eternity!
Then why won't you let me do this?
Because I already had
to bury your mother,
and I don't wanna bury you too.
Turn yourself in, son.
Only way I'll know Queeth
can't get to my baby boy.
Please do this.
For me.
For her.
Okay.
Okay.
She would be so proud of you.
Now go be Daddy's little hero.
Hm.
They say that the footsteps
of the "Apollo"
astronauts will stay there on the moon
for 100 million years.
And it makes you think,
wonder where we'll be then.
Guess you know why I'm here.
Thought I'd save you the trouble.
Shall we?
Soldier!
You know, Victoria and Dixon Piper
paid me a visit earlier.
They told me about how you led
Queeth's team to the weapon.
How you gave it up without a fight.
How you personally put
the enemy in a position
to synthesize it.
That's exactly what happened.
They also told me
that you put yourself in harm's way,
risked your own life to save Victoria's.
Is that accurate?
Yes.
Mac, as a career military man,
I'm forced to look at your actions
as complete and utter insubordination.
An offense which requires
your immediate court-martial.
But as a husband
I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Let's just call it even.
Sir, I'm so sorry.
I'd never forgive myself
if I didn't ask, though.
Is there any way I can be of service?
- MacGruber
- Look, I know I've been
a bit of a loose cannon.
But what if I was a tight cannon?
Operating under your command
in whatever capacity you see fit.
Hell, I'd take you to the fucking prom
if it helped bring down Queeth.
I'm sorry, Mac.
Fuck!
You have any idea what it's like
to see your mother's brains splatter
all over your face and cake?
Or what it's like to
come back from deployment
to find your dad giving
hand jobs to crack dealers
for his next crack rock?
Queeth fucking broke us!
He broke us.
Please!
I'm begging you!
I am fucking begging you.
Please.
I'll jack you off.
Just right here.
You can come on my face.
All right? Is that what you want?
Then I want it too.
All right, come on, please.
Come on, please.
Come on me.
Come on my face.
Come on my face.
- Hi, General!
- Hey, yeah! Hey, Jerry.
Why won't you just come on me?
Good to see you. Good night.
I'm begging you!
Get up, Mac.
You didn't get those from me.
Queeth's location?
It's a dead zone, and yet,
there's a persistent heat
signature that suggests
the presence of anywhere
from 50 to 100 hostiles.
Tomorrow, we've scheduled a
drone strike at 2100 hours.
- That's 9:00 p.m.
- 9:00 p.m., yep!
Yes, yes. 9:00 p.m.
- Prime time.
- Sure, whatever.
Listen, Mac, if you
get yourself in there,
Queeth's almost as good as yours.
But that strike is gonna
happen no matter what.
We are not going to risk
Queeth escaping a second time.
You hear me?
I don't know what to say, General.
But if I did
probably sound a lot like thank you.
After everything that
you've done for our country,
the least we can do
is offer you a chance
to get some closure.
I won't let you down.
Hello, Vicki.
- MacGruber, you shouldn't be
- Vicki, wait.
There are a few things I
need to get off my chest,
and I don't have much time.
I'm listening.
I need you to know
that I'm sorry.
I mean, the only reason
that I lied about you in court
was 'cause I wanted you
there in prison with me.
Because I didn't know
how to live without you.
There are so many things
I wish I could change
about the past, but I can't.
You're not my property.
Not anymore.
Thank you for saying that.
We had an electric love.
But that was years ago.
And I'm so happy that you've moved on
and found new love with Barrett.
I have moved on.
And I'm happy that you've realized that.
- I do.
- I mean, it's not like
I think about you every night
and pine for your touch.
No.
Staring into my husband's eyes
wishing they were yours.
Kissing him and imagining
your perfect lips
and tongue dancing with mine
flicking, groping, asking
- answering.
- Of course not.
Tongues intertwined, twisted,
coiled liked two serpents.
Like the two snakes on
that medical doctor symbol.
I don't know that one.
When I'm intimate with my husband,
I do not yearn for your sharp scent.
No.
I don't close my eyes
and trace Barrett's
testicles with my tongue,
remembering every wrinkle
and pimple on yours.
- No.
- And I don't round the horn
with my mouth and nose,
hoping to helplessly fall down
your rabbit hole like
Alice in the looking glass,
forgetting myself,
forgetting everything,
becoming at once tiny and giant,
losing myself in your musky,
damp, verdant
life-giving earth.
You don't do any of those things.
I feel free.
I'm so happy that you
feel that same freedom.
- Praise be.
- Amen.
Now before I go,
there's something I want you to have.
Your locket?
It's saved my life countless times.
Look inside.
- Are these
- Your pubic hairs?
Yes.
MacGruber.
After the first night we made love,
I found a bunch of those
bad boys in your underpants.
So one by one, I plucked
out the freshest,
and I bought that beautiful
locket to house them.
I've worn that around
my neck ever since.
Every time the world feels
like it's caving in around me,
I just touch that locket,
think about what's inside
and the woman they were attached to.
Me.
And I'm whole again.
That's the power you have.
You did that.
You!
But that locket, that's
not mine anymore.
That's Barrett's locket now.
And I want you to give that to him
and tell him the story
that I just told you
word-for-word when you do.
I will.
Well
Smell you later, Vick.
And I mean that with
every fiber of my being.
I will smell you later.
Hope you motherfuckers are ready.
'Cause MacGruber's coming for you.
Later today.
Or, uh, tonight.
Night's probably better.
Probably tonight.
Probably tonight.