MobLand (2025) s01e05 Episode Script

1
MTV ♪
Morning, sunshine.
- Dramatic music
- [grunts]
It's Archie.
They found him in a box
with a little old Scottish lady.
- Someone's a rat.
- [elevator dings]
[Conrad] You and me both have
something in common, Jan.
Ask me what it is. Go on.
Ask me.
We both love Harry.
Now, do me a favor,
never discuss anything about Harry
outside the family.
Am I clear with this now?
Good work.
Think you can get closer to him?
Was it a mistake? What we did?
[Maeve] We've got everyone exactly
where we want them.
When you cut Tommy up,
that sent a message,
and we're about to send another.
[Richie] I'd like you
to take care of this.
I'm gonna watch you,
I'm gonna listen
to only one thing: my gut.
And then whatever my gut tells me,
well, that's the truth.
[grunting]
[Kevin] It's crazy, mate. It's a trap.
It's a nailed on,
copper-bottomed, fucking ambush.
The minute
we set foot in that church
- Crematorium.
- Whatever.
Us and them.
Us and the fucking Stevensons.
It gets better, mate.
Don't forget, he wants us
to go to the wake as well.
[scoffs] Fucking hell.
- Which is at his house.
- What?
And it's not just you and me, right?
It's us, the whole family.
- Right? Jan, Bella.
- Amazing.
I know. Clever cunt.
Fucking hell.
It's great, innit?
Well, you want another cuppa?
Yeah, go on, mate.
Thanks.
Hey, what was the name
of that screw you mentioned?
- Rusby.
- That's it.
- Yeah.
- Fucking
Why, you remember him?
Yeah, I do remember him.
- Tense music
- [wailing]
Why'd you bring him up?
I saw him, mate.
- Where?
- Um, the other day.
You know, when I went to, um,
the old people's home.
I had to get Maria's mum
a bed there, right?
As I was leaving, he was sat
in the common room.
He was just talking to someone.
If it's his wife or his sister,
I don't know.
- It was definitely him?
- Oh, yeah, hundred percent.
I haven't thought about
that cunt in years.
I know, mate. Brought you
right back, fucking hell.
- [phone vibrating]
- Here we go.
- Dad.
- [Conrad] Kevin,
I want you and Harry here this morning.
Quick as you can.
Council of war.
All right, we'll be there.
It's Dad. He wants us
up at the house, soon as.
All right. Well, that's
Jan's Sunday fucked, innit?
Lively, dramatic music ♪
[phone vibrates]
[Jan] Hello, Harry.
Um, hey, babe. I'm, uh,
I'm really sorry. I'm, uh
I have to head up to the Cotswolds now.
So no brunch then?
Ask him if he knows
I have an exam tomorrow.
Listen. Uh something's come up.
Tell him you found my crack pipe.
This Friday, we need to be
at this, uh, there's something
we need to be at.
What?
Tommy Stevenson's funeral.
Are you fucking joking?
- I wish I was.
- What is it?
Mum?
Harry, why are you
why are w I've never even met Tommy.
I couldn't pick Tommy Stevenson
out of a fucking lineup.
I know. I know, but, uh,
Richie has invited the whole family.
It's a trap.
I know it sounds bad,
but I think it's safe. Just trust me.
Is Bella going?
Yes.
Well, as it happens,
among my list of options,
I've been considering suicide, so
fuck it.
- Okay.
- All right.
See you later.
What was that about?
Mum?
So, what do I wear
to a Stevenson funeral?
"Starburster" by Fontaines D.C. ♪
A flak jacket?
It may feel bad ♪
It may feel bad ♪
I wanna see you alone,
I wanna sharp the stone ♪
I wanna bounce the bone,
I wanna mess with it ♪
I wanna lay the Deville,
the whole crew on the sill ♪
I want the preacher and pill,
I wanna bless with it ♪
I wanna head to a mass
and get cast in it ♪
That shit's funnier
than any A-class, innit? ♪
I wanna talk with the clown
who has apologies down ♪
Pay him 300 pounds
to take a class in it ♪
I wanna bite the phone,
I wanna bleed the tone ♪
I wanna see you alone,
alone, alone, lone ♪
I wanna strait the shark
and find me somewhere to park ♪
Like the light when it's dark,
it's dark, it's dark, dark ♪
A few stars about
make it feel like peace ♪
In a way ♪
A complimentary round ♪
Constellation got a twist in it ♪
For a GPO and all the hits in it ♪
I'm gonna hit your business
if it's momentary blissness ♪
I'm gonna hit your business
if it's momentary blissness ♪
I'm gonna hit your business
if it's momentary blissness ♪
[sizzling]
- Mum.
- Darling.
Wotcha, Harry.
Oh, hey.
[kisses]
- Harry.
- Morning.
- Hope you're hungry.
- That looks spectacular.
Go on, sit the fuck down.
- Thank you.
- Come on, bruv, sit down.
What did Jan say?
She's fucking livid, mate.
Yeah. Bella's not exactly gagging to go
to the funeral of a bloke
she never met where she might get shot.
Hmm.
Good morning, Brendan.
You're up early. What can I do for you?
[Brendan] Yeah, Dad. I called,
uh, Kevin and, uh, Bella said
that everyone's up in the Cotswolds.
A conflab, she said.
- That's correct.
- So, uh,
- what's-what's happening?
- We're having a conflab,
- Brendan.
- Why aren't I at the conflab?
Well, that's because
you're not invited
to the conflab, Brendan.
Eddie, come to the table
please, sweetheart.
I bet Seraphina's there, yeah?
No, Brendan, Seraphina's not here.
- Who's that?
- Three guesses.
Oh, give it here.
There you go.
Brendan,
the Stevensons have invited
the Harrigans to Tommy's funeral.
- Fucking hell.
- Yeah,
so we're here, working out
a way forward, as it were.
Whoa, whoa, wait.
He's invited the family?
- Yes, Brendan.
- What about me?
See you later. Have a lovely day.
Mum? Mum? Hello?
[sighs] I do love him. I mean, I do.
But, seriously,
what a big donkey's cock.
Fucking cunts, man.
[Conrad] You have to give them credit.
A very canny move. So,
it would appear
that old Richie has thrown us
something of a curveball. [sniffles]
Who wants to start?
It's obvious Richie wants us all
in the same place so he can mop us up.
[Maeve] Oh, come on, Kev.
Don't you want
to look Richie in the eye
and tell him how sorry
you are for his loss?
I say we go.
I've always liked a good funeral.
Free food and drink.
And I'd quite like
to see Vron's curtains.
Hmm. Harry?
What does your gut say?
I think it's genius.
It's not a word one would
normally associate with Richie,
but the fact is,
we're damned if we go
and we're damned if we don't.
I don't believe Richie wants a war.
It's bad for business.
And if he did, I mean,
he could've started
by killing me at Moody's, right?
I know that would that would count
- as an eye for an eye.
- But you're not a Harrigan,
so it's not an eye for an eye.
That's an eye for a toe.
[sighs] Eddie, please
shut the fuck up. You're the reason
- that we're in this mess.
- It is true.
Eddie.
Go on, Harry.
Nothing is likely
to happen at the crematorium
or the wake, all right?
As the police and press
will be monitoring
who comes and goes.
Richie will know that.
It's too public.
The fact that it's all
such a public display
suggest to me that this
is set for theatrics rather than
a massacre.
It's more of a show of power.
He wants you to know
he knows something.
And he wants to humiliate you.
But this is Richie, you know?
And this is an angry,
vengeful, bereaved Richie,
so, frankly, anything is possible.
And if we go,
we'd be walking unarmed
into enemy territory,
and this will make us feel
very fucking uncomfortable
and vulnerable.
So, if we go, we need
to make an agreement.
Like, I don't know, let's not drink
14 glasses of champagne
and forget where we are.
Mum.
Killjoy, Kev.
It's Eddie, actually.
Right?
And then,
it'll be crucial
that we have some hardware
in Richie's house, should it
go south, for insurance.
How do we get the guns inside?
I'm not worried about that.
I've got a way in.
So, if we agree
and that's what you want,
then I say we gratefully
accept the invitation.
Or we don't play
any of this and pull the pin.
[dog panting]
[dog growling]
tense, dramatic music ♪
[Seraphina] It's actually
Parisian.
It's mid-19th century.
If you look at the prong work,
it's sloppy.
And the table cut is off-center.
Make a note, price it
ten percent below market.
- [knock on door]
- Sure. Will do.
[clears throat]
Excuse me.
Of course.
[Brendan] Seraphina.
Brendan.
Yeah, oh, I, yeah,
I wondered if you had
an hour for a spot of lunch?
Your sandwich bar?
Tempting as that is, Brendan,
I've packed my own sandwich today.
I-I need an hour of your time.
And I guarantee you,
it will be worth it.
One hour.
[Conrad] There you go, now.
Fucking hell, Conrad, we won't
get half of this in there.
Yes. Thank you.
Right, now, let me know
what happens, when it happens.
♪♪♪
[dog barking]
Do you think this is a good idea?
- If you ask me, he's just
- Yeah?
You see, the thing is, Eddie,
nobody asked you. Eh?
- Oh?
- Say what you like,
but I agree with Eddie.
Trying to smuggle guns inside is
a very perilous strategy.
However if it works?
We'll see.
[clicks tongue] Come on, dogs.
- [cork pops]
- [cheering]
- [Brendan] Oh, Connor.
- The wine list, sir.
[Brendan] Thank you.
Let's have a look. Um
Oh, yeah, we'll have the, um,
we'll have the Chateau Lafitte '89.
- Excellent choice, sir.
- Well, thanks, Connor.
Why am I here, Brendan?
Well
Is this your proposal?
Take a look.
Takes your breath away, doesn't it?
[Seraphina] From Mozambique.
- Full marks.
- Where did you get it?
Let's just say I have a contact,
and my contact
has a contact in Antwerp.
And my contact's contact
happens to have
20 more uncut stones
between two and eight carats.
Well, it's exciting.
If this was anybody but you,
I'd be excited.
Oh, jokes. Connor.
The Chateau Lafitte '89.
Oh, that looks lovely, yeah.
Pour it well.
Love that sound. [imitates pour]
[sniffing]
[slurps]
[swishes]
Mmm.
It's, um It's-it's unimprovable.
- Thank you, sir.
- Love the label.
[wine pouring]
atmospheric music ♪
[stone splashes]
[grunts]
[splashing]
♪♪♪
[splashes]
[heavy door closes]
[splashes]
How's your arse, little bitch?
- [grunting]
- [splashing]
[panting]
quiet, emotional music ♪
[sniffling]
[Brendan] We've been insulted.
Left out in the cold.
Enough's enough.
It's time we show those
smug fuckers and yes, I'm
including our father in this
that we can deliver.
So, for fun,
I'm gonna have to ask how your contact
has Mozambican rubies to sell,
because Gemfields has the monopoly.
Whoever your contact is
shouldn't have these stones.
- Technicalities.
- Which you know nothing about.
I have a buyer.
Is it some bloke you met in a tent?
In Dubai, yeah, a Russian.
Very sorry, Brendan.
I'm not getting wet.
No, I regret that remark.
Can we just draw a line
under that whole sorry affair?
Look, I'll be frank.
You know, I'm not in a position
to finance this deal.
That's-that's why I've come to you.
We have a product,
we have a seller, we have a buyer.
It's a wallet in the street,
we just have to pick it up.
A whole new revenue stream.
Millions.
Signed, sealed and delivered to Dad.
By you and me, together.
Not outcasts, the fucking NFI.
The Golden Children. Champions.
I want 75% of the commission.
- Fuck off.
- You said it yourself.
It's my field, it's my alley.
- Fifty.
- Seventy-five.
You're my half sister. You get half.
You're my quarter brother. [scoffs]
tense music ♪
♪♪♪
[beeps]
♪♪♪
[beeps]
Can I get a sparkling water, please?
- Sure.
- Thank you.
- What's in the bag, H?
- We'll get to that.
I'm here, Freddie,
for two reasons, okay?
Number one is I heard on the grapevine
that you're not very happy
- with the Stevensons.
- [scoffs]
Is that right?
It's what I heard.
Do you really think
I'd roll over on Richie?
Are you that high, you cunt?
No, that's not what I'm saying.
- Take it easy, H.
- Do you honestly think
that I would bring you here,
to a pub, broad daylight,
- and shoot you?
- What's in your fucking pocket?
Well, that's reason number two.
Um that
is your phone.
You lost that, Christmas.
- Do you remember losing that?
- Where'd you get it?
Never you mind where I got it,
but I have got it,
and I cracked your code,
really complex one.
One, two, three, four, five, six.
[phone clicks]
That there,
that's the Dumont Hotel, innit?
That's a view from one of the suites.
That is a photograph of a minibar,
although I don't know why anyone would
take a photograph of a minibar.
There you go,
three lines of bugle.
And that is you.
And she
she is Vron Stevenson.
[chuckles]
Naughty.
Before you, like, try some Hail Mary
grab for your phone,
you can just have it
'cause I don't need it.
[phone clicks]
What do you want, H?
I need insurance. Now,
we get back to your original
question, "what's in my bag?"
In my bag, yeah, I got two Glocks,
a couple hand grenades,
and 50,000 in cash for you.
Where's a good hiding place
in Richie's house?
No idea, mate.
Well, you're gonna have
to think about it, aren't you?
Because I need you to put these guns
somewhere inside
Richie and Vron's house.
Somewhere accessible,
but where they won't
get stumbled upon, you know?
You are thoroughly without
options here, mate.
Like I said, you are the weakest link.
I've got you by the balls,
son, like Vron,
you know, so say it. Say it with me.
Say, "I am the weakest link."
I need to trust you here, Freddie.
Say it.
I'm the weakest link.
Good. When you know
where you're going
to put them, you let me know.
Yeah?
I'd hate to be you.
Quiet, dramatic music ♪
[phone vibrating]
Alice, hey.
Can I meet you for a drink tomorrow?
Aw,
tomorrow's not good. I'm at a funeral.
Funeral? I'm sorry to hear that.
Were you close?
Uh, no, not exactly.
Between us, it's
it's some poor bastard called Tommy
nobody except his mum will ever miss.
I don't even want to be there.
It's Harry's idea.
Well, maybe early next week?
Yeah. Yeah, that'd be nice.
All right, babe.
- All right.
- See you.
Bye.
The Harrigans are going
to Tommy Stevenson's funeral tomorrow.
What?
Soaring, dramatic music ♪
It's been ages
since I went to a funeral.
I like my funerals.
Yes, you said.
You seem to, too.
You know, it's the pomp.
- The security.
- Right.
Makes me feel like a first lady.
- Hmm.
- Aren't I giving you
Jackie Kennedy just after
the first assassination?
That was the look I was going for.
Mmm.
I don't know, there's
something about funerals,
I don't know what it is.
It's something, you know, regal.
They get the juices flowing.
Don't you find?
Firstly, no, I fucking don't.
Number two,
just be nice, now. All right?
And lay off the Lady Petrol.
♪♪♪
[Kevin] Look,
you say "take me home,"
and I'll take you home.
Take me home.
I was talking to your mother.
Nah, I'm looking forward to this.
If it looks like
it's about to kick off,
I'll give you the signal.
You get Jan, go to our security
and tell them it's about to go down.
Listen, if Harry says it's safe,
I I trust him.
[scoffs]
But not me.
What?
You trust Harry,
but you don't trust me.
I didn't say I didn't trust you.
I just said I trust Harry.
Is everything all right
between you and Harry?
What does that mean?
[Eddie] No, it's just
are you cool?
We're always cool.
[Bella] I trust
Harry, Kevin. Do you trust him?
[Eddie] Do you, Dad?
Fuck off, Eddie.
♪♪♪
[Vron crying]
♪♪♪
[camera shutter clicks]
Jan, I'm going up front, okay?
[murmuring]
[Harry] Conrad.
- Make some space.
- Thank you.
[exhales sharply]
Sorry for your troubles, Richie.
Conrad, thank you.
Thanks.
My condolences, Vron.
Sincere condolences, Vron.
Harry, you know.
- Richie. Sorry for your loss.
- Thanks, Harry.
Vron, I-I'm Harry.
- I'm sorry for your loss.
- [Conrad] Kevin.
Sorry for you loss, Richie.
Kev.
Sorry for your loss.
[Conrad] Their better halves,
- Isabella
- Hi.
and Jan.
- [Jan] Sorry for your loss.
- Thanks.
[Conrad] And this is Edward.
Tense music ♪
[crow cawing]
Hello, Edward.
Hello, Richard.
It's Richie.
Is it? Well, in that case,
call me Eddie.
I'm so sorry for your loss of Tommy.
He was a right laugh.
I don't think we've met.
Fuck off.
What was that?
- What was what?
- Going in to kiss Vron.
I was being friendly.
Don't.
Go on, Eddie.
You do anything like that again,
and I will strangle you myself.
[camera shutter clicking]
[Henry Purcell's "Music for the
Funeral of Queen Mary" playing]
[heavy door closes]
♪♪♪
[people crying]
[both crying]
♪♪♪
[priest] Please be seated.
♪♪♪
[music ends]
[exhales shakily]
[Richie] "Do not
let your hearts be troubled.
If you believe in God
also believe in me.
For God so loved this world
that he gave us his one and only Son.
And those that believe in him
shall not perish
but have eternal life."
He's staring you out.
- Shut it.
- He is.
"My Father's house has many rooms."
[whispering] He's mugging you off.
He's making you look like a
right cunt in front of everyone.
[quietly] Maeve, shut the fuck up,
so help me God.
Tense music ♪
[Richie] "If that were not so,
would I say that I'm going there
to prepare a place for you?
And if I prepare a place for you
I will come back
and I will take you there with me
so you may also be
where I am."
♪♪♪
[camera shutter clicking]
[guard] Arms out, please.
All right, thank you.
Your arms, please.
All right.
♪♪♪
[Vron] Oh, I just
can't believe he's not here.
[Conrad] So, uh, your wife's okay?
Yeah, she's fine.
Well, I heard about that, though.
That was a bit of a bit of an upset.
Look after yourself anyway.
[indistinct chatter]
Just smile.
If anyone talks to you, just be polite.
Do you know anyone here?
One or two.
- Keep an eye on them. All right?
- Sure.
- Hi, Jan. You all right? Yeah.
- Yeah.
[kisses] You look lovely.
[Jan] Thanks, Kev.
Hi, Jan. [kisses]
Mm. Long time.
It has been.
How are you keeping?
Good.
Where's Eddie?
Tense music ♪
Hmm. [sputters]
[chuckles]
[Eddie sniffs loudly]
Fuck off.
Hmm.
♪♪♪
Are you fucking serious?
Nail scissors?
Do your nails.
[scissors clatter]
Come downstairs and at least pretend
to be a man.
Cunt.
Tense string music ♪
[door closes]
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
Harry.
Go and ask Richie
why he's staring at me.
He's not staring at you.
Don't tell me when someone is
or isn't staring at me.
All right, he's staring at you.
[Conrad] Hmm.
I hope you're right
about this function, Harry.
Otherwise, you put the
entire family in the crosshairs.
It's all under control.
Fair play.
What's she fucking doing?
Vron, I can't tell you
how deeply, deeply sorry
I am for your loss.
I bet you can't.
What does that mean?
[Vron] You know what it means.
I never wanted none of you
cunts here. It was Richie's idea.
Fuck knows why.
I just hope you know where you are.
[scoffs]
How in God's name
does Conrad fuck that?
[woman] God knows.
[Vron scoffs]
♪♪♪
[people gasp]
- Here, mate.
- There you go.
Yeah, thanks.
[murmuring]
♪♪♪
Ah, bev, Kev.
Here, Mum.
The fuck are you doing?
Ah, fuck.
[Eddie] You were in my way.
[Charlie] Watch where
you're going, you little cunt.
Get out my fucking face, cunt.
It's all right, mate.
It's all right. Eddie,
go home.
[Richie] No, no, stay.
You've been invited, so stay.
It's all right, Richie.
You can go home.
- But Richie said I can stay.
- I don't give a fuck
what Richie said, mate.
Well, we can get Eddie a lift.
I mean, Freddie'll do it,
if that's all right with you, H.
No, y-you're all right.
I think we got this. Thank you.
I ain't going with Freddie.
I'll get an Uber.
You'll do as you're fucking told.
[Conrad] What's this now, hmm?
[Harry] We were just working out
how to get Eddie home.
All right, Eddie. Off you trot.
I'm taking my son home.
Conrad, can we have a word?
Harry.
Kevin.
- Olie.
- Yeah.
Charlie.
[Richie] I've been watching the news.
Those Arabs and the Jews, awful.
Don't you think it's awful?
[Conrad] I'm Irish.
I've had a gut full of
that bollocks since I was a kid.
And, to be honest,
I couldn't give a fuck
about another man's war.
Was you nervous?
When?
When I asked you to come here.
If I was, I wouldn't be here now.
What, not even a little bit?
Thinking like, "What's he up to?"
Not a jot, Richie.
We were extremely honored
and very touched.
See, that's odd.
Because, by nature,
you're quite a wily old fox, Conrad.
You don't tend to blunder around,
risking life and limb.
What's your fucking point, Stevenson?
I know who done Tommy.
Quiet, ominous music ♪
You must think I'm a right mug.
That patsy
that you set up and then murdered.
I know it weren't him.
Now, I don't want a war.
I'm not saying I won't
wake up tomorrow
feeling completely different,
but right here now,
I don't want vengeance,
'cause I know what I have,
or what I have left.
Now, Conrad
I hate the bones of you,
every ounce of my soul.
I genuinely
wish you and yours nothing but ill.
But I asked you here today
to see if you'd come,
and you came.
And I respect that.
So there'll be no war.
But if I see that little cunt
Eddie Harrigan
out anywhere,
in a pub, on a park bench,
he's fair game.
But he gets to live.
Unlike my boy
who's dead.
Now, do we have a deal?
- [fishing reel spins]
- [Conrad] Come on.
[groans]
Oh, no.
Come on, you fucker.
[fire crackling]
Ooh.
Oh, God.
[groans]
Are you all right there, now?
What happened?
You had a bit too much to drink.
Perhaps it was the nerves.
Hmm.
Bollocks. Someone roofied me.
Was it you?
Hmm?
Tell me the truth.
Don't go pointing your finger
at me like that now, Maeve.
Had nothing to do with me.
Nothing at all.
- [phone clicks]
- Ah, look at this beauty.
Now [groans] Jesus, Maeve.
That's no way
to treat my trout. Really?
That fucking cunt
insulted me to my face.
To my face.
Calm down now.
Just calm down now, Maeve.
We'll have a nice cup of tea.
Just
Fuck you, too.
Quiet, tense music ♪
[line ringing]
Paul?
[Paul] Yes, Maeve?
"People Ain't No Good"
by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds ♪
People just ain't no good ♪
I think that's well understood ♪
You can see it everywhere you look ♪
People just ain't no good ♪
We were married under cherry trees ♪
Under blossom we made our vows ♪
All the blossoms come sailing down ♪
Through the streets
and through the playground ♪
The sun would stream
on the sheets ♪
[Vron] Babe,
I'm going down the shops.
Do you want anything?
Babe?
We'd buy the Sunday newspapers ♪
And never read a single word ♪
People -[doors unlock]
They ain't no good ♪
People ♪
They ain't no good ♪
People ♪
They ain't no good ♪
[engine starts]
Seasons came, seasons went ♪
The winter
stripped the blossoms bare ♪
A different tree
now lines the streets ♪
Shaking its fists in the air ♪
The winter slammed us like a fist ♪
The windows rattling in the gales ♪
To which she drew the curtains ♪