My Three Sons (1960) s01e05 Episode Script

1
(theme song plays)
Yep, never fails.
Every morning, my brilliant brother
grabs my books and leaves me his.
See Robbie anywhere in that mass of juveniles?
Hey, Mike, who's looking for your brother?
Concentrate your gaze on yon luscious creature.
Hey, how about that, man?
She's looking at you and sending messages.
Uh, a little young, but very cute.
Oh, hi, Robbie.
Oh, hi.
There is a gorgeous man.
That is a dream, a real dream.
I'd give anything to know who he is.
That's Robbie Douglas.
You know him?
Sure, we're buddies.
I've known old Robbie a long time.
What's so great about him?
He's beautiful.
Robbie Douglas.
Even his name is beautiful.
You've sure got a weird idea of beauty.
Okay, why don't you keep your books away from my stuff?
You left the house before I did, bean brain!
Why don't you look what books you're taking?
Hey, come on, Mike, let's go, huh?
We're gonna be late getting back to school.
What'd you do with my homework papers?
Well, I put them between two pieces of bread,
and I ate them for lunch.
Well, who folded them?
Hey, we'll see you, okay, Robbie?
Come on. Yeah, Russ.
(school bell ringing)
Why don't you be real sweet
and introduce me to Robbie?
Okay.
We'll see you at the library tonight.
Hey, that little blonde
is still flashing you the green light. (Engine sputtering)
Awful young, though Junior high.
You kidding?
She's gonna be going in the tenth grade next year.
Hey, I know how you can meet her.
Look, she's at the library every night.
Oh, don't let me forget
to return those books tonight.
(engine sputtering)
Hey, uh, you might try the key.
(engine starts)
Me? Me?
She's the prettiest girl in the whole school.
Yeah, she still wants to meet you.
Maybe she's stupid or something.
Well, I got to go.
See you at the library tonight.
Yeah, Gordy, I'll be there.
Oh, boy, will I be there!
Maybe you better start over.
Three of those hairs are going the wrong way.
Ha ha, I'm laughing.
Ha ha.
How about laughing your way right down to the kitchen
and start wiping the dinner dishes?
Okay, okay.
Those trash cans don't haul themselves out
to the curb, either, you know?
How come I always got to do everything?
I got to get to the library.
Where's old Mike, and how about Chip?
I'll take care of "old Mike and how about Chip,"
you just get down there.
(sniffs)
What have you got on?
It's lotion, after shaving.
After shaving what?
You smell like an explosion in a barbershop.
Now, come on, let's get to the dishes.
Come on!
I'm coming!
Tramp, would you mind transferring yourself
to some other part of the house, hmm?
Why don't you ever mind me?
Chip, could you get this pile of hay out of the kitchen?
CHIP: Here, Tramp! (Barks)
Here, Tramp! (Barks)
Here, Tramp! (Barks)
Well, now, don't start a conversation with him.
Just, uh, come and get him, will you?
Sorry, boy.
Either there's a window in that comic book,
or that boy has radar.
I'll swear, rounding those kids up to work
is like cornering a couple of eels.
Yeah, come on, Mike, Robbie!
Come on, Robbie, give us a hand in the kitchen.
Grab a towel, Mike, and start drying.
Well, Dad's using the towel.
Oh, we're rich We have two dish towels.
I'll use the other one.
Why can't Robbie dry the dishes?
I'll take the trash cans out.
I'm taking the cans out.
Who said so?
I said so.
I can't stand around all night drying dishes.
I got to get to the library.
Oh, that's a fat reason.
I got to go to the library, too!
Now, here, start drying.
I'm not gonna! You got the towel.
Robbie, I'm gonna belt you one.
Go on, just try it. Now, listen
I dare you go on.
Will you fellas knock it off?
You're just about old enough now
to start settling your arguments
without whacking each other.
All right, we'll settle it like gentlemen.
Well, now you're making sense.
I'll take the cans out!
MIKE: No, you don't! Now, wait a minute!
(boys arguing) What's the matter with those kids?
Oh, let them alone,
they're not gonna hurt each other.
Well, you keep saying that but they're loud.
It's all noise and no damage.
It's natural for kids to fight a little.
(arguing continues) Helps them let off steam.
But can't they let off steam
without braining each other?
What are we trying to raise around here,
a couple of intelligent human beings
or a pair of wildcats? (Arguing stops)
There, you see? It's all over. (Dog barking)
Yeah.
(loud clanging)
Oh, sure, it's all over.
Somebody just clobbered somebody
with a trash can lid.
Oh, I hate that Mike! Boy, I hate him!
Now, Robbie, how many times have I told you
you can't win by fighting?
Who's fighting?
We flipped the lid and I still lost!
You sure Robbie's coming?
I talked to him.
He said he'd be here.
Maybe he went to the wrong library.
There's no such thing as "the wrong library."
The library's the library.
There he is.
Where?
Right there, in the windbreaker.
That's not Robbie.
It most certainly is.
That's the boy I saw in front of school.
Well, you were looking at the wrong guy. He's
That's-that's Robbie's big brother.
He's the one I want to meet.
Oh, boy.
You promised.
But I but I can't.
Oh, yes, you can, come on.
What are you doing?
Come on.
Uh, hi, Mike.
Oh, hi, Gordy.
Ow!
Mike Judy, uh, this is Mike.
I'm very happy to know you, Mike.
Well, it was nice meeting you, too.
Well, I got to go.
I'll see you all later.
I saw you in front of school today.
I love your car.
Well, thank you.
I remember, you were with Gordy.
He's just a friend of my family.
Awfully nice, but terribly young.
Here, let me carry some of these for you.
Thank you.
I don't mind walking home, really.
It's only about eight blocks.
Eight blocks?
Come on, I'll give you a lift.
You'll never make it.
You're very kind.
(bike horn honking)
(tires screeching)
Hey!
Oh, hi, Robbie.
Well, what do you think you're doing?
Well, what does it look like I'm doing?
You know my brother, don't you, Judy?
Hi, I have a little brother, too.
His name's Robbie.
I've seen you around school.
See you at the house, sport.
(bottle squeaking)
(growling)
All right, Tramp,
you've given your imitation of a watchdog.
Go on back to sleep.
(barking)
Pipe down, pipe down, stupid!
There's nobody out there.
(barking)
What's the matter, boy, you hear something?
Nobody out there, see?
Where's Robbie, Dad?
He went to the library.
On his bike?
Yeah, I guess, so why?
His bike's on the front lawn.
Well, maybe he's roughing it tonight
and walked down to the library.
(chuckling)
Dad, how come you're always
making Mike and Robbie stop slugging each other?
Well, I try to keep them from slugging each other,
because no argument is ever settled,
no problem is ever solved by fighting.
(dog growling)
(panting, growling)
"Little brother."
(growling)
Animals fight because they haven't the intelligence
to settle their differences any other way,
but human beings can sit down and talk things over
and weigh the facts on each side
and come to a fair and reasonable agreement.
They don't have to tear each other apart
like, uh, predatory beasts of the jungle.
Who's a predatory beast?
I never started a fight in my life,
but I finished many a one, I can tell you that,
but I don't call that being a predatory beast.
Okay, skip the beast.
Come on, Chipper, time for bed.
Say, Steve, uh, speaking about fighting,
did I ever tell you
about that bus driver over at Plainview?
Yes, yes, you did, Bub. But you didn't tell me.
Well, it was on Saturday night way after midnight Bub
and the bunch were coming out of Moriarty's Bub
Bub, it's not a bedtime story.
Go on. Huh?
(car approaching)
Oh, boy, you're gonna get it, Mike.
(car radio playing instrumental)
(whistling)
You dirty, no good, two-faced timer!
What? You crock I'm gonna get you!
You're gonna get it.
(both grunting)
What is the matter with you?
Why, taking my girl away tonight!
(dog barking) (boys arguing)
Well, there they are,
your intelligent little human beings,
weighing the facts on each side.
Wait, wait, now stop it!
Robbie, now, come on, just a second!
(barking) STEVE: Tramp (arguing)
What's going on?
Nothing's going on, Chip, just go to bed.
I'll be up in a few minutes.
Jeepers, I miss all the fun.
Now stop it!
Robbie, stop it, I mean it.
Wait till you hear what he did, the dirty crook!
I didn't do anything.
Not much, you big fat double-crosser!
Now, Robbie, that's enough.
I'll get the boxing gloves. Never mind, Bub.
Well, spare the boxing gloves, spoil the child.
Now, you two stop acting like a couple of animals.
Now, what brought this on?
Human nature.
He jumped me.
I was just walking up to the door,
and he jumped on me for no reason.
No reason?!
Oh, that sounds like dirty fighting, Robbie.
(barking) STEVE: Tramp, stop it!
Just stop it, stop it, Tramp.
Now, tell me, why did you jump on Mike?
Because he's a big fat double-crosser. Shh, shh.
Now, wait just a minute.
The neighbors.
Now, why did you jump on Mike?
Stick to the facts, will you?
I'll tell you the facts.
Judy was gonna be at the library
and Gordy was gonna introduce her to me. Mm-hmm.
She was waiting there to meet me and
She wasn't waiting to meet you.
And this big fat double-crosser
snuck down there and cut me out! Shh.
Well, for crying out loud, Mike.
Are you kidding? I don't blame you, Robbie.
Gordy was Just
Gordy and me had it all planned out,
and you had to stick your big fat face in it!
Just fighting fire with fire.
Now, just a minute.
Now will you answer one question for me?
Who is this Judy? And what
Driving her all over town in your big fancy car.
An eye for an eye.
Will you tell me who is Judy?
He's got no right taking out my girl!
Your girl?!
I introduced him to her.
Why, Robbie, you little so-and-so.
Look, how can you both be interested in the same girl?
Yeah.
Well I'm not interested in her,
but if he's gonna get nasty about it, maybe I will be!
I don't blame you.
She's in junior high,
and that's my territory. Right, Dad?
Right!
Well, if you're gonna start
cutting up the school district into hunting areas,
I suppose you got a point, yeah.
Well, for Pete's sake, Steve, whose side are you on?
I'm not on any side.
I'm the arbitrator.
We're discussing.
You think it's okay for Shh, shh, shh.
(whispering): You think it's okay for him to cut me out
when I had a date with her? I didn't say that.
You think it's all right for him to Shh.
You think it's all right for him to say I'm cutting him out
just because I accidentally
meet a girl in a library?
I didn't say that either!
Well, for a guy that isn't saying anything,
you're doing an awful lot of talking.
Well, I'm getting sick
of everybody kicking me around!
I can't even get help from my own father.
Now, Robbie Well, I don't need any help.
I can take care of myself!
BUB: Attaboy, Robbie, stick to your guns!
And I'll fix you, wiseguy. You wait!
(sobbing)
(door slams) Robbie.
Talk about justice.
You let Robbie get away with murder.
How come I'm always wrong?
Oh, now, look, Mike I'd like to see you
on my side once, just once.
Oh, now, Mike Old Chinese proverb:
Man who walk in middle of road
get hit by trucks going both ways.
(gong sounds)
Mike
I'm sorry about what I said downstairs, Dad.
You're not always wrong, Mike.
You know, I don't think that.
And as far as choosing sides is concerned,
the only side I'm on is the side of our family.
That darn Robbie I know, Mike.
Look, Robbie's going
through a rough period, right now, he
Well, we just have to be patient with him for a while.
Well, I I guess I'm just tired.
Yeah, I guess maybe we all are.
So, uh, why don't we sleep on it?
We'll, uh, talk it over in the morning, hmm?
Good night.
Good night, Mike.
Robbie.
Robbie?
You asleep?
♪♪
Well, a good night's sleep will
straighten the whole thing out.
I hope.
I'll show him.
I'll show him good.
Darn Mike.
Big fat double-crosser.
Poor little mixed up Robbie.
Patient.
(mimicking engine revving)
Good morning, Chipper. Morning, Dad.
How'd you sleep? Fine.
Good. Who won the fight last night?
Mike or Robbie? Oh, uh, nobody won, Chip.
They were just a little excited that's all.
As they say in the diplomatic corps,
war was averted. Huh?
I said war was averted.
Oh. Averted?
Yeah, I got in between 'em.
Maybe they'll start another fight this morning.
No, I don't think so, Chipper.
As a matter of fact I imagine, after a good night's sleep,
they've forgotten the whole thing. Are you kidding?
The two of 'em are down there in the kitchen,
there's a cold war going on down there,
that'd freeze the warts off a polar bear! Oh, boy!
I still say they should put on the boxing gloves.
What we need around here
is less talk and more action.
Oh, boy.
Get up happy; Should have stayed in bed.
Well, good morning, Robbie.
Mike.
Well, sit down, Chip.
Better drink that quick before it freezes.
What is a cold war?
BUB: This is.
And the worst kind.
Oh, I wouldn't say that, Bub.
At least we're sitting at the same table.
Bub, will you ask Dad to pass the cream, please?
Pass the cream to Robbie, please.
One good thing about a cold war is
that you can bring the foreign
ministers of the two countries
to a conference table like this and discuss the issues.
Chip, tell Robbie to quit hogging the sweet rolls.
Quit hogging the sweet rolls, Robbie.
Actually, this is very much
like an international situation.
You fellas are two countries
who are having a border dispute over,
well, some land that you both feel belongs to you.
Of course, uh, the disputed land
in this case happens to be a girl named Judy.
You're fighting over a girl?
Jeepers, I thought it was something important!
Bub, will you tell Dad to tell Chip to pipe down.
Tell Chip to pipe down.
Uh, pipe down, Chip. Now,
in a case like this, a larger,
more powerful country, me,
steps in to call a peace conference, and here we are.
Now, who wants to speak first?
(clears throat)
Bub, will you ask Dad to pass the butter.
Will you pass the butter?
Please?
Please.
Please.
Please.
All right, then I'll start.
Now, each of you two countries state your claim
to the disputed territory, namely Judyland.
Now, Foreign Minister, Robbie.
Tell him I got a raw deal and the first chance I get,
I'm gonna clout Mike right in the chops!
(gun firing sound effects)
Attaboy, stick up for your rights.
You keep asking for it, small fry,
and you're gonna get it.
BUB: That's telling him.
Bub, this is a peace conference.
There won't be any peace around here
till these two guys fight it out.
(explosion sound effect) Oh,
now, Bub, you're not making sense.
Well, that's not a bad for a predatory beast.
Well, don't get yourself all wrought up about it.
Who's all wrought up?
I just want to see some action.
Me, too!
Now, look, Bub,
a peace conference is no good
if everybody doesn't pull together.
One rotten apple in the barrel
and the whole barrel's spoiled.
(missile screams, explosion) Rotten apple, huh?
Uh, sweet roll, Robbie?
Thanks.
I've already got one.
Oh.
Mike?
Oh, no, thanks.
I guess they're all yours, Chip.
Jeepers!
I get all the sweet rolls,
and I'm not even a country!
Somebody pass the butter!
Please.
I'll take it to him, Mike.
Summit Conference.
No thanks.
Bub, I'm sorry.
I, uh,
I wish you wouldn't take things so personally.
All I meant was that, well, our family is strong
because we work together as a unit.
And if we start squabbling among ourselves
we can ruin that.
We all know, as well as I do
that a chain is only as strong as its weakest link.
Now I'm a weak link, huh?
No, I-I didn't mean that, Bub.
Oh for Pete's sake, will you start acting your age!
Yeah?
I'm old enough to know that a good, clean fight is better
than a lot of dirty names!
(gunfire sound effects) Nobody's calling anybody any names.
BUB: Our kids are gonna grow up to be a bunch of sissified,
mealymouthed, pink-tea pantywaists!
Bub, will you listen to me.
A lot of whimpering, sniveling,
pampered pussyfooters.
Will you please listen to me.
Oh, I know, I know.
I'm just a beastly, rotten, weak link, predatory, old
Bub, shut up!
Uh-oh.
The H-bomb!
Just listen to me
for ten consecutive seconds, will you?
There's nothing wrong with fighting in the ring for sport,
but these kids have to learn
that they cannot settle their
petty personal misunderstandings
with their fists.
Now, it's late, I've got to go.
Oh, yeah?
Well, let me tell you something.
This "peace conference" idea of yours
hasn't settled anything either, and it's not gonna.
Well, at least nobody's hitting anybody.
You can't keep these kids from fighting.
You can't change human nature. Well, I can try.
They're probably out in the backyard right now
tearing each other to pieces. Yeah, you hope.
MIKE: Dad sorry to butt in
on your Summit Conference but
What happened to the fight?
Well, uh, the small powers decided
to submit their differences
to a fact-finding committee.
You mean you're making up?
Well, gosh, who's got time for our little war
when you big guys are getting ready
to blow everything up?
Blow everything up?
What are you talking about?
We're just standing here having a little talk.
You-you can't settle anything without talking things over.
Right, Steve?
Right, Bub.
This is the way all peace conferences should work out.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well How about a cup of coffee?
Oh, Bub, I, uh
Yeah.
You see, Bub,
that's what I meant about a peace conference.
What'd you do with my rock collection, Mike?
What was it doing on my bed?
CHIP: Come on, Mike I guess you're right.
Sometimes there just has to be a little action.
MIKE: How many times do I have
to tell you to stay out of my room?
I'll put a stop to that.
MIKE: Where is my puppet?
How should I know?
Now for a nice, quiet cup of coffee, huh?
(chuckles)