On the Buses (1969) s01e05 Episode Script

Well, that's it.
Shift over for another couple of hours, Jack, eh?
What's he doing here?
What's this up here, then?
Staff vacancy.
Applications invited for the post of assistant inspector.
Oh, yeah?
Good advertise for him now.
I thought they'd got him from the Chamber of Horrors.
Nah, they just stick a wanting notice up outside the police stations.
You can laugh.
That's a responsible position.
Two pound a week extra in status.
That's no good to me, mate.
I'm shop steward.
I don't want a job where I have to report my mates to the management.
No, of course not, no.
You shouldn't report them to the trade union.
This is a chance to better yourself.
I don't know what you're doing, this job, mate.
You're wasting your time.
You could have learnt a film tune on the films.
Oh, yeah?
Playing Dracula.
Oh, very droll.
No, he's dead right.
I mean, before you become an inspector, you have to have all your teeth taken
out and a couple of fangs put in instead.
Well, you're front choppers, mate.
You wouldn't have to bother.
You two blokes don't know a good opportunity when you see one.
I had to wait years and years for the chief inspector before me to retire.
What, him?
God, blimey, he didn't retire.
He went to Russia to carry out Stalin's purge.
Wrong again.
He went to Bognor to grow roses.
Here, Flaky, what are you going to do when you retire?
Oh, he's got a job ready made for him, he has.
What?
Undertaker.
It wouldn't be any good.
He'd report the earth for being two minutes late.
It would be if you were driving it.
I don't suppose either of yous twos want your name put down for this, do you?
What, mate?
God, you must be joking.
The only good thing about it is a couple of quid extra that goes with it.
Ah, forget it.
Yeah, you might as well.
Neither of yous twos smart enough for the job.
Look at the style of you, look.
Scruffy-looking pair of
I'd like to see either of you have to come to work like me, wearing a shirt
with a starch collar.
The way he walks, they've starched his shirt and all.
See you in a couple of hours' time, mate.
Looking for a job, then?
Hi, Lovie.
Hello, love.
Oh, thank you very much.
Caught you, didn't it, eh?
Get your own papers, mate.
That's funny.
I could have sworn I left a fag up here on the mantelpiece this morning.
Yeah, you did.
I'm smoking it.
I thought it was one of mine.
One of yours on the mantelpiece?
You keep yours in the bedroom in a little black box underneath the floorboards.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'll leave.
Put the kettle on and give your brother some tea, love.
Oh, wait a minute.
Let me clear my chest first.
Blimey, get me tea first, will you?
I've got to be back at the depot in a couple of hours.
Mum, why can't you get it?
Because I've got to mend my coat first.
I can't go out like this, you know.
All the lining's torn, the hem's gone all to pieces and there's an awful hole
in the pocket.
Why don't you put your best one on?
This is my best one.
Well, why don't you get a new one?
Well, it's so expensive.
I saw a lovely one in Jones the other day.
It was 14 guineas hanging up in the window.
Well, of course, that was out of the question.
Well, you got your clothes money in this little box, didn't you?
Yeah, I did, but I used to use my coat money for the gas bill.
Why?
Because I had to use the gas money to pay the electric.
Blimey, I never worked that system out.
Here, Arthur.
Yeah?
Why don't you ship in a few quid and get Mum a coat?
Yeah, well, of course I'd like to.
I mean, I know my duty as a son-in-law, but I have had one or two expenses
lately.
I mean, it's not as if Olive's working.
She's always ill.
No, no, Mum, no.
Now I come to think of it, you must have a new coat.
I mean, it's not fair you walking about with that thing.
No, leave it to me.
I'll think of something.
Well, I don't know.
If I'm going to have a new coat, I'll have to do the same as Rusty.
Grow it myself.
Won't I, love?
You still fancy yourself as an inspector, do you?
Yeah.
Do you think I'll get the job then?
Oh, undoubtedly, yes, yes.
In fact, I'd go so far as to say you're bound to get it.
Oh, yeah?
What makes you think I'll get the job then?
Well, you're the only one who's applied for it.
I'll take the notice down, shall I?
Yeah.
Mind you, if it wasn't for the diabolical shortage, you would never have stood
a chance.
Why not?
Well, there are certain physical requirements, you know.
Blimey, I'm only asking to be an inspector, not to be put out in a stud.
Yes, but there's a certain minimum height.
What do you go?
Five foot nine.
With me hat on, of course.
Yes, well, I'll have a word with the staff.
Hiya, mate.
Oh, they've taken the notice down.
Somebody must have applied for the job.
I wonder who that was.
Well, as a matter of fact
I wouldn't like to be in his shoes, would you?
No, no.
Ah, inspectors.
Of course, you're a driver.
You don't know what us conductors can do to them perishes.
Make their lives a hell on earth.
Yes, well, I've had a word with the staff.
I'll talk to them later.
No, no, no, it's perfectly all right.
It's all fixed.
I'll talk to them later.
It's all fixed, mate.
You start work tomorrow morning as assistant inspector.
You put him for that job?
You?
Well, let's face it, somebody had to take the job.
I mean, there's a limit to what a human being can stoop to.
Well, the truth is I needed the extra money.
So did the train robbers.
I don't know what the fuss is about, mate.
I mean, I'm still the same bloke.
I mean, we work together.
I mean, it could be easy.
I mean, I'm still
I'm one of you.
How can you be one of us if you're one of them?
Oh, blimey, Mum, you still bending that old coat?
Well, you know, I don't know whether this coat wants a new lining or the lining
wants a new coat.
Still, the buttons are very nice.
Well, I tell you what, me old darling.
Yeah, love?
You can chuck that thing away.
I've got a surprise for you.
Really?
Yeah.
What is it?
Now, don't get excited.
Wait a minute.
Oh, I'm excited.
Come on, tell me.
Wait a minute, Mum.
Well, I'm waiting.
Come on, don't keep me waiting.
What is it?
Well, shut your eyes.
Shut your eyes.
All right, all right.
Promise, shut your eyes.
I've got to touch it.
Well, don't open them till I tell you to.
I know.
They're shut tight.
Come on.
All right, open them, open them.
Oh, what a beautiful coat.
I thought you had to wear it in lost property.
Shut up.
No, no, no, that was the one in Jones's, the one I saw in the window I had my
eye on.
That's the one.
I knew you wanted a new coat, and, well, I managed it, and where's yours?
Oh, mine?
Mm-hm.
All mine?
Yeah, yeah, I saw it in the window, and, well, I got it for you.
What do you do, break the glass?
No, I paid for it in cash.
Oh.
All paid for?
Well, in 36 weeks' time it will be.
Oh, Stan, you won't be able to afford all the payments.
Yeah, no way, it's only ten bob a week.
Besides, here, I've got something to tell you.
Arthur, Arthur, I've been promoted.
You what?
No!
Yeah, they've selected me to be an inspector.
You?
Yeah.
An inspector?
I mean, you must have been the only one who applied.
What are you talking about?
There was dozens of them applied for the job.
Oh, Stan, I'm proud of you, darling.
I'm really proud of you.
I knew you'd
I knew you'd be able to do something like that.
All your mates must be excited you've been promoted.
Delighted.
Didn't anyone hear the front doorbell?
Why?
Has Jack come to see you?
Oh, he's come to congratulate you.
I don't know about that.
Oh, good evening, Mr Bailey.
Oh, hello, Jack.
Arthur?
Oh, I left my dartboard here the other evening.
Yes, behind the sideboard.
Oh, of course I forgot.
It's our practise night for dance tonight, isn't it?
No, I've come to take my dartboard back.
Oh, I see.
We're practising round your house.
All right, I'll come round there, then.
I shouldn't bother.
You've been dropped from the team.
Well, I mean, we can't have an inspector play for the team, can we?
I mean, put the lads off their game, wouldn't it?
Oh, Tom.
Well, I won't keep you inspector.
You've got to swallow up your rule book, I expect.
I'll see you tomorrow.
And take care.
Oh, Stan.
Jack, it was very strange.
There won't be no arm or no arm presses between you and your mates, will there?
No, no, I'll take your notice, Mum.
It's a bit of jealousy.
It's always like that when somebody gets on in the world.
Now, don't you worry about it, love.
Oh, well, all right.
I think I'll go to the supermarket and do some shopping.
I thought you did that this afternoon.
We did.
We got everything.
Yeah, well, I'm going to buy some budgie seeds.
Blimey, we ain't got a budgie.
Well, I know.
It's only ninepence and it's worth it to show off a new coat.
Thank you, Ma.
Mind you, I've only got time to eat it.
Everyone's gone potty in this house today.
Stan was in the bathroom over an hour.
Well, it's his first day as an inspector.
Yeah, well, I thought he was going to be a bus inspector, not a sanitary
inspector.
I don't know.
Good morning, all.
Don't
Oh, don't you look distinctive.
No.
Oh, I don't agree.
I think he looks fine in that uniform.
Just like Lord Louis Mountbatten.
Yeah.
Just dropped him for breakfast of bangers and beans, no doubt.
What were you in the bathroom so long for?
Well, I had to have a nice close shave, didn't I?
I mean, I've got to set an example to my conductors and drivers and busmen.
You shave your legs as well, set an example to the clippies.
Put your hat on, love.
Oh.
Oh, it does suit you.
Yeah, hides half his face.
Yeah, well, I'll admit it's a bit on the big side.
Olive, stick a bit of paper under the brim, will you, for us?
Here, Mum.
Oh, smashing, love.
I always think that a stiff collar does something for a man.
Yeah, it strangles him.
Blimey, it's half tight, this one.
It'll be ever so cold out.
You must put on your scarf, love.
Good idea, Mum, very good idea.
That's right.
Very good idea.
Oh, dear, dear.
There we are.
Oh, well, put it over your ears, love.
What are you doing?
I don't want to
That's absolutely ridiculous.
Blimey, you look stupid.
Well, love, you've got weak ears.
Yeah, match his head.
Don't be so ridiculous.
I haven't got weak ears.
No, no, don't tell that to your mum.
I used to have cotton wool soaked in oil and put it in your ears each day.
Don't you remember?
I remember that all right.
I used to go to school smelling like a fish shop.
All the boys used to call me Stinky Stan.
No, I don't want the scarf anyway.
I've got to look distinguished, there's no doubt about that.
I've got to start with my bus, then.
I've got to see that those buses go out on time.
Blimey, take a better man than you.
I've been trying to catch the six o'clock every evening.
It always moves on for five to.
That's done for years.
I shall be on that bus tonight, and I'll see you catch it.
It will not go out till six o'clock.
Oh, well, we'll see.
Right, now I'm going to try my new coat on.
Yes, I'll try mine on, too.
Oh, I'm so excited.
Blimey, you're not coming with me, are you?
No, I'm going to bring the milk in.
If you've got something nice you want to show it off.
Right, rule book.
Rule book.
Clipboard.
Clipboard.
Inspector's pencils.
Inspector's pencils.
Right.
You'll find the first day is the worst.
Of course, it's all right if you're a born leader.
Of course, yes.
So I'm afraid you're in for a hell of a time.
Well, don't worry.
If anything goes wrong, I'll report it.
That's right.
If there's something wrong, you report it.
And if there's nothing wrong, you report it just the same.
Oh.
Right?
You're on your own.
Right.
Ah, morning, Bill.
Morning, Sid.
Oh, look what we've got here.
Hitler's deputy.
Good morning, sir.
Morning, Jack.
Do you mind, mate, putting that bag out?
Huh?
Why?
Oh, now, come off it.
You can see up there.
It says, no smoking on that sign.
Oh, yeah.
But I'm not smoking on that sign.
Now, don't be funny.
Put the bag out.
Don't be funny.
Right.
Another thing.
You have incorrect demeanour.
You should be wearing a collar and tie.
I am wearing a collar and tie.
LAUGHTER See you when you come off duty, lovely.
Sure.
Thanks, darling.
You've got a nerve coming on duty looking like that.
I should worry.
It's all right for some people.
You can do as you like when you're just good friends with one of the bosses.
Oh, shut up.
Brazen bit.
One of the old depot doesn't know.
Rules.
Nothing wrong with her uniform, is there?
Don't worry, Jack, I know the rules.
Excuse me, miss.
Are you at this number nine?
I am.
Well, you know the regulations.
I can't allow you to get on this bus with a skirt like that.
And what's wrong with my skirt?
Well, if I could see it, I'd tell you.
Have you read the rule book?
No.
Why not?
Well, it's hardly painted place, is it?
Right, don't be funny.
I'll read them out to you, shall I?
Here we are.
Appendix three.
Conductress says, Mini skirts should not be more than two inches above the
knee.
Well, that's about right, innit?
I said two inches above the knee, not two inches below the waist.
Now, look.
My pencil, my pencil here, is about nine inches long.
Now, that must be ten inches short, that skirt.
Hello, hello, hello.
What's he inspecting now?
Look, love, I'm the shop steward.
You don't have to suffer liberties from the management like that.
Oh, cut.
Jack, cut off it.
Look at that skirt.
What's wrong with it?
Blimey, you can see everything via Adam's apple.
Very nice, too.
Makes travelling a pleasure.
Blimey, even a pouch comes below a skirt.
As shop steward, I see nothing wrong with that skirt.
I wouldn't mind, but, blimey, she's on a double-decker.
You get some very funny people standing on the platforms in these buses.
Yeah, I know.
They call them inspectors.
I'm going to report you, miss.
What shall we do now, then?
I think her skirt should come down.
Look, mate.
Stop thinking about getting her skirt down and get that bus out.
Go on.
I'm only going to the rules.
Get it out, go on.
I'm just saying, rules, that's all.
You've done everything wrong.
I don't know how you got the job.
I can tell you, Sonny, but you're not old enough.
Right.
I'll report you for insolence.
Get lost.
Oh, it's you.
Busy bee.
Blimey, 24 bus routes on this company, and I hear you've had a ride on every
one.
Well, fasten your safety belt.
Don't touch that bell.
What's that?
This is the fare stage.
And you know what time we're supposed to leave here?
Yeah, 6 o'clock.
That's right.
1800 hours.
Oh, sorry, mate.
My watch only goes up to 12.
1756 it is.
Go on.
Yeah.
I've had other complaints about this bus, too.
Oh, yeah?
Let's have your way, Will.
I'll check the tickets.
Have your tickets ready, please.
Thank you.
Thank you, pal.
Thank you, miss.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
Ticket, sir.
Your ticket.
Ticket.
Right.
Look at this ticket.
Absolutely disgusting.
Well, it's all right.
It's got a number on it, innit?
I can't tell.
It's covered in bubblegum.
Here, mate, for me.
Blimey, just wait here.
I told you, didn't I?
I'll see these buses right at the time, mate.
It doesn't go out till 6, and it's not gonna go out till 6.
Yeah, very good.
Congratulations.
I'll have this seat here.
Excuse me.
No smoking downstairs.
We want to smoke up.
Yep, you're quite right.
Must stick to the rules.
Stan, Stan!
Oh, dear.
What do you want, Mum?
I thought you were going without me.
Well, I had to do some shopping, and I knew this was your bus, and so I
Look, Stan.
I want to talk to you about something.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, blimey, we'll be here all night.
Mum, look, sit.
I'll see you after, eh?
Sit down, will you, darling?
Yeah, I'll just sit there.
Well, there's no room upstairs.
I won't bother to smoke, right?
Hello, Ma.
Hello.
You pinched my seat.
Oh, well, you can have it.
No, it's all right.
You can stand.
Right, come on.
Let's all get over here.
Yeah, we're full up.
Might as well go.
Don't touch that bell.
What's that now?
It's not 6 o'clock yet.
Oh, sorry, mate.
I'm being regulated.
Hope it makes you feel better.
Right, away you go.
Hold this hand out, please.
Hey, what do you think you're doing?
It's gone 6 o'clock.
There's no standing after 6.
Get off.
You've gone potty or something.
You just now said it was all right for me to stand.
Let me stand.
Now's now.
It's gone 6.
No standing.
Get off.
Look, mate, I know the rulebook, too.
And you're allowed standing passengers after 6 o'clock to avoid hardship.
What hardship?
The black eye you're going to get unless you ring that bell.
Don't get hasty, Jack.
Let's have a look at the rulebook.
There might be a way out of this.
Can't he sit on my knee?
He's not three years or under.
Let's have a look.
Ah, here we have
Ah, what a shame, Arthur.
Now then, if you'd have been a dog or a cat or some other small domestic
animal
Look, Arthur, mate, there's a number 7 behind us.
Hop on that.
You'll get a seat.
Thank you, Jack.
You wait like a Jew, old mate.
And he buses.
It's all right.
He'll be home a couple of minutes after us.
He won't.
That bus turns round at the next stop.
anything like this happening again?
No, sir.
Have I made myself clear?
No, sir.
Get rid of that moron and do something with these.
I don't want my staff upset.
Come along, my dear.
I want to work with you in the office.
I'll see you later.
Butler.
Thank you, madam.
Good night, Jack.
Oh, good night, sir.
Thank you.
Good night, sir.
Butler.
Butler.
What?
I'd like a word with you.
What?
You are a useless, incompetent twit.
What?
What have I done?
You've been enforcing the rules, haven't you?
Well, that's my job, isn't it?
You don't force men to work to rule when they're working.
They only work to rule when they're on strike.
Oh, God.
You useless twit.
And as if that wasn't enough, you made a complaint about a certain Clippy Skirt
here, didn't you?
Well, I thought she was indecent.
It happens to be the way the manager likes her.
It says in the rule book.
Butler.
Butler.
What?
There are things going on at this depot that have never been in any rule books.
All right, I'm sorry.
But how was I to know she was the manager's
All right.
I will not make any more complaints tomorrow.
No.
No, you won't do that, no.
You'll be too busy driving a bus.
Oh, back to driving, am I?
Rule book.
Clipboard.
Inspector's pencils.
Inspector's pencils.
Oh, hello, Mum.
Stan, I'm waiting to speak to you.
Yeah, sorry about that, Mum.
I was having a word with the inspector, see, and I
What are you doing in your old coat?
Where's your new one?
Well, Stan, that's what I wanted to tell you.
What?
I've, er
I've took it back to the shop.
What for?
Well, I've been thinking a lot, Stan, and, you know, you only took this new job
just to pay for it, didn't you, love?
Oh, not exactly, no.
Oh, Stan.
I don't think you'll be happy if your
if your pals didn't talk to you no more.
Well, you know
Stan, look, I want you to promise me you'll give up being the inspector.
Give it up?
He's just given me the
Well, you can, can't you?
Oh, yes, yes.
Well, if it makes you happy, Mum, I can
Stan.
I can resign.
Will they be very upset?
Well, they will be, the fellas, but I can handle them, you know.
Hello, Mr B.
Hello, Stan, mate.
Hello, Jack, hello.
Look, Jack, Stan's going to give up being an inspector.
Give it up?
Well, I've just
Yes, I was telling Mum I've resigned.
Oh, yes, yes, sure, yeah.
Oh, Mrs B, be all right if me and a few of the lads come round for darts
practise tonight?
Oh, that'd be lovely.
Well, we'll expect you then at 2100 hours.
Oh, very good, sir.
Hey, put that cigarette out.
You know you're not allowed to smoke here.
Why not?
Cos I ain't got one.
Oh!
Edgy!
Oh, shut up!
Shut up!