Petticoat Junction (1963) s01e05 Episode Script

1
Come ride the little train ♪
That is rollin' down the tracks to the Junction ♪
Forget about your cares ♪
It is time to relax at the Junction ♪
Lots of curves, you bet ♪
And even more when you get ♪
To the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
And that's Uncle Joe, he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
At the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction! ♪
♪
You burnin' them ties again?
I just burn the loose ones, Charley.
Besides, they burn hot
and I'm in a hurry to get to Hooterville.
You keep pickin' up them ties,
we won't make the next curve.
It's pretty straight from here.
Pour it on, Charley.
There's something waiting for me at Sam Drucker's store.
Another letter from that lonely
hearts woman Camille Tooksbury?
It's more than a letter this time.
I sent her my picture wearing my store-bought hair.
Now there's something you can burn,
and the quicker the better.
Come on, kids, cheer up. You can't win 'em all.
Well, do we have to lose 'em all?
Hi, Betty Jo.
Hi, Mr. Drucker.
I take it Hooterville dropped another one?
63 to nothing.
Well, look on the bright side.
It's not as bad as last week.
Thanks, anyway, Sam. I guess you heard the score, huh?
Yeah, looks like the team's improving.
How'd my boy Herbie Bates do?
Did he give a good account of himself?
Maybe you better ask him. Here he comes.
I'm sorry, Mr. Drucker. We lost again.
Oh, now, don't feel too bad, Herbie.
It's how you play the game that counts.
And from the looks of ya, you really gave 'em a scrap.
I didn't even get off the bench.
Herbie, if you were just warming the bench,
how'd all this happen?
The team ran over me on the way to the shower.
They were in a hurry to get off the field,
and who can blame them?
Oh, here comes that Hooterville coach.
Have I got a few words to say to him.
Now, Sam, take pity on the poor man.
His team just lost 63 to nothing.
Last week it was 72 to nothing.
And the week before that it was Shh!
Herbie, you were pathetic.
How can you blame Herbie?
You didn't even let him play!
Now, Sam.
That was my stragety.
He was supposed to run up and down the sidelines
and keep the Pixley boys worried,
wonderin' when I'd send him in.
Instead of that, he worried our boys.
They were afraid I would send him in.
Cheer up, Herbie.
That's right. You'll get to play next week.
You're the one that's pathetic.
Why don't you resign?
You know, Uncle Joe, this might be a good time.
You could retire with a perfect record.
A perfect record?
An unbroken string of defeats.
I got news for you Monday morning quarterbacks.
We ain't gonna lose next week.
Oh, what makes you think so?
We ain't gonna play.
Train's coming, Mom.
Just heard her whistle for the station.
We've got groceries in the back room.
Come on, Sam.
Come on, Coach.
Ought to resign.
Sam, Sam, did the mail come?!
Well, yeah, but I ain't had a chance to sort it yet.
It's in the sack back in the storeroom.
Hi, Floyd.
Hi, Mr. Smoot. Hi, Floyd.
Hi!
I didn't know old Floyd could move that fast.
I wonder if I could get by
using him in the Hooterville backfield.
Come on, Uncle Joe.
We better not stay here too long.
You know, there was an angry mob forming
when I left the football field.
What's got into Floyd?
Oh, shh-shh!
Shoulder pads come in real handy.
I might have you wear those all the time.
I'm afraid Floyd's got himself woman troubles.
Floyd Smoot?
That durn fool jumped down out of the cab
before I could stop the train.
He's gonna kill himself over that woman.
What woman? What woman?
Camille Tooksbury.
Camille Tooksbury She must be new in town.
She's not local, Kate.
She's one of them mail-order sweethearts.
Floyd met her through the lonely
hearts column of a magazine.
Oh, well, there's nothing wrong with that.
What does she look like?
Nobody knows, including Floyd.
But Floyd sent Camille his picture,
and today he figures he'll get sent her picture,
and that's why he's back there
rootin' through the mail sack.
Well, I hope for Floyd's sake she's nice-lookin'.
Come on! Let's get that train rollin'!
Bad as it is, it's better'n riding out of town on one rail.
Yeah, but, Uncle Joe, I want to
I'll see Floyd on the train.
Floyd, come on! Let's get rollin'!
Got your letter from Camille, huh?
Yeah.
Let's see her picture, Floyd.
You got yourself a dog, huh?
I warned ya.
Coming, Betty Jo!
Next time, you listen to me.
Floyd, don't pay any attention to him.
The worst mistake a man can make
is to marry a beautiful woman.
They're nothing but trouble.
You remember that.
Yeah.
No, I'm serious, Floyd.
The plain ones make the best wives.
In fact, the homelier the better.
Yeah.
Oh, come on, Floyd.
Now, she can't be that bad.
Ooh, holy smokes. She is.
That looks like a man wearing a wig.
It is.
What?
That's my picture. She sent it back.
Floyd, listen. Wait a minute, Floyd.
You know something, Betty Jo?
I'll bet you're the only kid in the country
that drives a train home from school.
Charley, what could have happened to Floyd?
Usually he's up here every five minutes checkin' on us.
His love life got derailed.
But he'll get over it.
Who was he in love with?
Well, he's been writing letters to some woman,
a Camille Tooksbury.
But they exchanged pictures, and that ended that.
Gee, I hope he isn't taking it too hard.
Oh, don't worry about it, honey.
Your ma and Sam Drucker's back there with him.
They'll switch him back on the track.
Floyd, come on now! Unlock this door!
Go away. Leave me alone.
Ah, it's no use, Kate.
He's just gonna sit out there and pine
over Camille Tooksbury.
Sam, let me try something.
Floyd Smoot, I got a bone to pick with you.
Now, you unlock that door,
or I'm climbing out this window.
All right.
No, no, Kate! Don't do that!
I'll open the door.
You traitor!
You double-crosser! You love pirate!
So we're not good enough for you, huh?
Who-who-who?
The women in this valley, that's who-who-who.
All these years, you've been leading us on,
keeping us dangling on a string,
playing fast and loose with our hearts.
Me? Yes, you!
And now that you've reached your prime
and we're all wondering who's gonna be
the lucky woman, you turn your back on us
and you take up with an out-of-towner.
You're nothing but a typical playboy bachelor, Floyd Smoot.
Me?
Oh, don't-don't-don't act innocent with me.
I've heard all about you and that Camille Tooksbury.
But let me tell you something.
At the next church social,
there isn't a woman in this valley
that'll sell you a cake or a box lunch.
We've given you the best years of our lives.
Now you're tossing us aside like a bunch of old shoes.
Me?!
No, I'm-I'm-I'm just not gonna cry
'cause you're not worthy of my tears.
Listen, Kate, I-I don't understand.
Listen, Kate, open the door!
I want to talk to ya.
No, sir.
You stay out there and cool your hot blood,
you fickle Casanova, you.
Me?
Me!
Well, who won the game, Coach?
Oh, Pixley managed to squeeze by us.
63 to nothing.
My boys weren't able to execute the plays I gave 'em.
They need more skull practice.
Pixley was sharp, well organized, well-trained.
Uncle Joe, Pixley hasn't even got a coach.
And neither does Hooterville.
Pixley hasn't got a coach?
Maybe we could protest the game on that basis, huh?
We're gonna have pig's knuckles
and sauerkraut tonight, Charley.
Mm, yeah!
And for dessert, I'm gonna bake fresh blueberry pie.
Blueberry pie? That's my favorite.
I don't remember inviting you to supper, Floyd Smoot.
So why don't you put on your mail-order courtin' hair
and go calling on your mail-order sweetheart.
Maybe she'll cook you up a mail-order supper.
But, Kate, I always eat supper here.
That was before I found out
what kind of man you are.
What kind of a man am I, Kate?
Tell me again.
You're nothing but a fickle,
"heart-breaki" Casanova, that's what.
Come on, Charles.
Yeah.
Kate wants to hold supper for a while,
see if Floyd shows up.
Wait a minute, Joe.
The big game with Elm City is coming up.
Now, the merchants of Hooterville
are prepared to pay you a cash bonus.
It's as good as mine.
I'm gonna win that game.
The bonus ain't for winnin',
it's for resignin'.
I'll chip in on that.
Now, look here just a minute, you boys.
I got a surprise ready for that Elm City team.
The Hooterville Hornets are gonna really sting.
Worse than today?
Oh, sting.
What's the surprise, Joe?
Speed in the backfield.
I got a brand-new scatback under wraps.
Little, but fast as a jackrabbit.
Them big, heavy Elm City boys
ain't gonna lay a hand on her.
Her? Her? Her?
I mean, him.
It. The scatback.
Uncle Joe, you're not by any chance
talking about Betty?
Betty?
Betty who?
Betty, my fast-running daughter, that's who.
Oh, Kate, I know you'd never stand still
for a thing like that.
Would you?
You better believe I wouldn't.
Neither would she.
Neither would Hooterville.
I'll bet the Elm City boys would go for it.
I was just joking.
Victory don't mean that much to me.
By the way, where is Betty Jo?
How would I know? Betty Jo!
You better let her do her homework.
You know her grades aren't
Did you talk her into it, coach?
Talk her into what?
No, he didn't.
But, Mom, we've just got to win one game.
And Uncle Joe says that with me as a scatback
You scat back upstairs and take off that uniform.
Sorry, coach. I was ready and willing.
Well, I wasn't.
Nice pass, Mom.
Forget it.
Mom, can't we start serving now?
Everything's ready.
Yeah, bring on the pig's knuckles and sauerkraut.
No, let's just wait a little longer for Floyd.
Kate, I sure thought
you had him cured when you told him
all the women in the valley were mad about him.
What?!
Floyd Smoot? Mother!
Well, I was just
trying to help him mend his broken heart
by convincing him he had sex appeal.
I guess he didn't believe me.
Well, there's only so big a lie a man can swallow.
That's a whopper.
Oh, you two are a great help.
All that Floyd needs is enough people to tell him
that he's a handsome, desirable bachelor and he'll be fine.
Well, go ahead, girls.
Get the blueberry pies out of the oven.
I don't think Floyd's coming. Okay, Mom.
"Handsome, desirable bachelor."
He's pathetic.
Joe, Floyd is warm,
he's affectionate, he's gentle
He's pathetic. He's pathetic.
Now, stop that.
Floyd! What are you doing?
Oh-oh, oh I just couldn't resist
the smell of the blueberry pie.
But please don't tell your ma I was here.
She's mad at me.
Mom? Mad at you?
Why, she's crazy about you. All the women are.
But especially Mom. And who can blame her?
You're strong, you're handsome.
And you're charming and you're intelligent
why, you're everything a woman could ask for.
Then how come no one has ever asked for it?
Well because it's a man's place
to do the asking, not a woman's.
Yes, a woman's place is in the kitchen.
Now, Mom's waiting for you out in the dining room.
Thanks, you girls.
You set me straight.
I still say you men could help give Floyd
some self-confidence if you would just
Kate Bradley, come to my arms!
What?
You're my woman and I'm your man.
Now, let's do something about it.
Floyd Smoot!
Have you been in to my cooking sherry?
No, Kate. I don't need no false courage.
I got love.
Now, Kate, don't you cry.
I know you waited a long time for this.
But it's come at last.
I want to marry you.
How 'bout it, Judge Drucker?
Well, uh don't you think
you better wait for Kate's answer?
Yes. You heard her.
She said "yes." No, I-I
Huh? Oh, no, Floyd, you're choking me.
Hey somebody hid my Indian again.
Don't they realize that was carved out of living oak
by my great, great great uncle Kit Carson?
Thing like that gives a hotel class.
Ooh-wee!
If that pig had known what Kate
was going to do to his knuckles,
he'd have died happy. Hey.
Hey, that's my chair.
Kate and Floyd out here?
I can't find them anyplace.
Why, you in a hurry to marry them?
Of course not.
Kate's in a spot.
She might need our help.
If you find her, ask her where she hid my Indian.
Oh, Betty Jo, you got any idea where Floyd
and your mother disappeared to?
No, Mr. Drucker.
The last I saw Floyd, he was going down
to the train to get his guitar.
Oh, no. Poor Kate.
There he is.
Yeah?
But where?
Where is he?
Can anybody tell what direction that's coming from?
No, but I hope the wind changes.
Them knuckles I ate is clenching into a fist.
He may be down at the railroad track.
Come on, Betty Jo.
Whoo, I'm glad that's over.
Hold it, Charlie.
What's the matter?
Now, let's start over again.
When I rock, you rock.
Now.
Nothing makes me edgier
than people rockin' against me.
Listen, girls, we've got to scare Floyd
out of the notion of wanting to marry me.
Now, I've got an idea.
You know how shy and bashful he is.
Not tonight. Well, not with me.
But when he comes back to help you with the dishes,
I'm going to leave.
And I want you to ask him to explain
about the birds and the bees. Mom!
Oh don't worry.
He'll run like a scared rabbit.
Oh, Floyd!
Come in, come in, Floyd!
The girls are so happy
you're going to help them with the dishes.
Aren't you, girls?
Uh, we sure are, Daddy Floyd.
Oh-ho, Billie.
Why, Daddy Floyd,
you're blushing from ear to ear.
I hope you don't mind us calling you daddy,
but we never had a father to tell us things.
And there's something we'd like you
to tell us right now. What's that?
All about the birds and the bees.
You don't know about the birds and the bees?
Well, I guess you're old enough
to learn about the birds and the bees.
The birds I'll tell you about the birds first.
And they go like this:
Now, you take the bees,
they do it altogether different.
I mean, the sound. It goes:
Now, you don't want to get 'em mixed up
'cause the bees will sting you.
Now, just remember, the birds is bigger
and goes like this:
And bees is littler, and goes like this:
You sure you don't know about this?
Where have you been?
We've been looking everywhere. Where's Floyd?
Oh, he's in the kitchen, but he's going to come
running in here any minute.
What are you playing, hide and seek?
He's going to want to hide,
because Bobbie Jo and Billie Jo are asking.
Daddy Floyd to explain about the birds and the bees.
Oh-ho, this I gotta hear!
You go get your books and do your homework.
This I gotta hear.
Me, too.
Well, you don't think that
Oh, with Floyd, it's possible.
Floyd!
Just a minute, Kate.
Girls, have you learned enough?
Yes, Daddy Floyd. Yes, Daddy Floyd.
Just remember:
We'll remember. We'll remember.
I'll be back later,
tell you about the pigs and the chickens.
Floyd.
Coming, Kate.
Should I bring my guitar?
N-No, no, no.
I just want to talk to you.
What an I going to do, Sam?
Mom? Yes, dear?
Were either one of you good in history?
I'm having an awful time.
Yes, Kate dear?
Here's the man who's going
to help you with your homework from now on:
your Daddy Floyd.
Yeah, Floyd, now that's something
you've got to get used to,
helping the girls with their homework.
My teacher always said I was exceptional bright.
What do you want to know, Betty?
Well, right now we're studying the Mexican War.
Are we having a war with Mexico?
Come on, Sam
Floyd, the Mexican War
started over a hundred years ago.
And we ain't whipped 'em yet?
Doggone it, Charlie, if you're going to rock, rock.
Don't sit there sidesaddle.
I'm sorry, Joe.
All right, now we'll get a fresh start.
A-one, a-two a-rock.
Listen, boys, if we don't help Kate,
she's liable to wind up being Mrs. Floyd Smoot.
Terrible name. It's pathetic.
Oh, I have no objection to the name.
I do.
Mrs. Smoot sounds like a truck dumping wet cement.
I tell you what, Kate.
I can fire up the Cannonball and sneak you in to Pixley.
That'll give Floyd overnight
to kind of sleep off this love binge he's on.
Old Floyd wouldn't sleep a wink
worrying about his train.
Boys, you've done it. Done what?
Solve the problem.
Listen.
I'm glad you changed your mind
about a moonlight stroll.
You sure you don't want me to go get my guitar?
No, Floyd We have things to talk about.
Now, then, uh you'll run the hotel.
Oh, sure, when I'm not running the train.
Oh, well, I don't think you'll have time for both.
But, Kate, I'm the only one
that knows how to
Why, there ain't nothing to firing a locomotive, boys.
Easiest job on Earth.
Come on!
I tell you what, Joe.
You fire it one day, and I'll fire it the next.
Sounds good to me, Sam.
Get down out of there and get your
grimy hands off of my wood.
Why, Floyd, you won't have time
for the Cannonball no more.
You're going to be a married man.
And you'll be busy firing Kate's stove.
Ain't nobody going to fire
the Hooterville Cannonball but me.
Now, get yourself down out of there.
Why, Floyd.
Did I hear right?
You mean you're choosing the train instead of me?
Now, Kate, please don't go to balling again.
Doggone it, if I got to make a choice
I-I understand.
And I'm going to be very brave about it.
I guess you were a bachelor
too long to get snared now.
Kate, I'll take you back to the hotel.
I'll come along. Me, too.
Me, too.
Oh, no, Floyd.
You stay here
with your first and only love.
It isn't my only love, Kate.
Please let me go along.
No, Floyd and that's final.
Well, then, Kate?
What is it, Floyd?
Will you bring me back down some blueberry pie?
Sure, I will.
How do you like that?
I finished third behind blueberry pie.
This has been a Filmways presentation.