Piglets (2024) s01e05 Episode Script

This place, man, this this
place, it's screwing me up.
I need to be out
there, on the streets.
I'm like a caged tiger in here.
Yeah? And there's something
you people don't know about me.
I killed a man. Hm?
And I'll kill again.
DEV EXHALES
Thanks. That's great.
I think we've seen
all we need to see.
I can do it louder, you
know. Sexier. Irish?
No, no. I think we're good.
Thing is, I've just started
this 18-week course, you know.
It's pretty full-on, so I
don't think it'll be a problem.
Really? It will be
hard to get time off.
I really don't think it'll
be a problem. OK, sweet.
Thank you so much. See you soon.
Morning. SING-SONGY: Morning!
There we go.
Let's get you out of
these wet clothes.
I don't think they are
wet, are they, Melanie?
As you wish. Just a thought.
So, how are we this
wonderful Wednesday morning?
It's Thursday. Is it?
Yeah. What happened
to Wednesday?
Took place yesterday. Oh.
What does Timothy
Timetable say for Thursday?
Questions, questions, questions.
Pardon me for inhaling and
exhaling. No, questions, Bob.
Interview and interrogation
technique, how to listen properly.
Glisten? Listen.
Ah, listen.
I intend to use this module as
a means to skewer the prune.
And is there, erm, any
investigation that I can help with?
I don't really think that's
your area, is it, Melanie?
Well, two brains and all that.
You haven't got two brains.
No, I just meant
I know what you meant,
and the answer is no-o-o.
You'll just feed it
back to Bilbo Bobbins.
I have a question.
Er, Thursday.
Yes, yes, but don't you think
she needs to be stopped?
Do I? Ah, yes, yes, I do.
But you haven't done
anything about it.
I absolutely have!
I've, er, I made a note to
address that very issue,
and I wrote I wrote it down.
I was I was I was
going to write it down.
No, no, no!
She's going to snatch the glory
right from under your nose!
I can fend off her snatch,
don't you worry about that.
Do you honestly think she'd be
able to outmanoeuvre Bob Weekes?
I'll take care
of it. I'm on it.
I'll take care of it. On it.
Care of it!
Come on, Bob, you're on it.
On it. On
On what? On-On-On the prowl.
Yes? No, on the on the job.
On the job? Or on the
blob? Not the blob.
Bloody Steph A.
I mean, what does
he even see in her?
Beats me. She must have
a banging personality.
It's pathetic. He's
being so What, basic?
Yes. Yes, basic.
Would you go for
someone like that?
Nice guns, and he's got charisma
as well, I'll give him that. No.
Not him. Her.
Oh. Erm, I think she's a
little bit out of my league.
Yeah. Like me. Erm
Like me. No, I just
Like me. All right, all right.
Just give me a minute.
You are very rude.
Look, I'm just saying,
I'm sure there's plenty
of other Mikes in the sea.
I want that one.
Why? If that isn't
a rude question.
Because I don't fail
and I don't lose. Right.
Well, you know, you
could just hang around
and wait to see if
she farts during sex.
Or I could kill her.
All right, settle.
Settle! BOB MUTTERS
Interrogation technique,
part two! JULIE CLEARS THROA
There are various ways
to make the extraction
of important information
just a little more exciting.
Electrodes.
Er just little ones,
not wired or anything,
just cold on the flesh.
No, not electrodes.
That is part three.
GASPING LAUGH
Let's start with the traditional
good cop, bad cop scenario.
Which one do you want me to be?
JULIE LAUGHS
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
Oh, I'm sorry. I
can I can do bad.
JULIE LAUGHS
Oh, dear.
Oh, OK.
All right, first up,
Student Officer Hanzel.
Come up, please. OK.
Take a seat. AFIA: Go on, Dev.
Thank you. Thank you.
Let's find some truth.
Have you got any notes
for my character?
Shut it, scum-brain!
Oh, we've started? OK.
H-Have we? Have we started?
I ask the sodding questions.
Would you like a cup of tea,
Dev? I said, I ask the questions.
I Thank you.
Why are you here, Hanzel?
To be a policeman. No,
why are you REALLY here?
To be a policeman. What
are you really, Hanzel?
A policeman. Would
you like a cup of tea?
Tell me the truth, or I will tear
your fucking nuts off with my teeth!
A policeman. SHOUTS:
You're lying to me!
Barakat, get the
electrodes! No, no, no!
What are you?
An actor. TEARFULLY:
I'm an actor.
Deep down, that's what I
am. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Fuck! I knew that bit. Not
what I was looking for.
OK, go on, piss off.
Chabra, you're in.
Tea, sandwiches, fresh
fruit or a biscuit?
Right, stand there.
What did I do?
I've been doing some random
checks for Superintendent Weekes,
and your personnel
report has gone AWOL.
Now, I could hack into the mainframe
and do a deep dive on you
N-No, don't. It's
Listen, why don't we
just go for a drink?
What?
You know, you're Oh,
you're just so beautiful.
I know. But you're
not. Oh. W-What?
Anyway, like I said,
I could hack in,
but why would I bother when
I've got my twat-catcher?
HE STAMMERS What does it do?
As you walk towards it, if
the little feathers flutter
or the little bells tinkle, I'll
know that you're a wrong 'un,
a devious, untrustworthy twat.
Is it broken? What?
What? No. It's not It's
not broken. Obviously.
Well, the twat-catcher
never lies. Oh.
You may go about your business.
Oh, OK, well
thank you.
I mean, God, it's just so
correct. Technology, eh?
It's mental.
Go.
LEGGO CLEARS THROA
Interview commencing, 11:56.
Those present, Student
Officer Ryan Legland,
Sergeant Michael Gunn and,
er, some other people as well.
This interview is
being recorded.
Now, suspect name, Stephanie
"The Slug" Jackson.
You are playing with
fire, just saying.
So, Miss Jackson, how do you
know Sergeant Michael Gunn?
He is a fellow
officer Mm-hm.
and a friend, which
of course, you know. Hm.
A friend? OK. How
does he treat you?
Oh, he's not a doctor.
I think the question's
quite clear, actually.
Does he treat you the way that
you deserve to be treated?
Well, he's not
always fully focused.
Someone who's highly
attractive and smart, witty
He's not that witty
or smart, to be honest.
Not him.
You.
I thought you said I
wasn't your type? Mm.
Role playing, obviously.
Oh, obviously.
This is the Yeah.
Don't let things go quiet!
And remember, anyone
who says "no comment"
definitely has
something to hide.
Continue.
Do you actually
know what you want?
I wanna talk to my lawyer.
Your lawyer is being brutally
assaulted in a holding cell.
You're a bent copper, you
are. I know my rights.
Right, shut it, you slug.
Call me a slug again.
THEY GIGGLE Ow! That
hit me in the face!
Click. Interview
terminated, 11:57.
What's happening here?
BOTH: No comment.
LEGGO CHUCKLES Right.
Up you get.
OK, so, er, it is
time to split up.
Split up? You mean, we've
been together this whole time?
No. You and Legland. What?
I'm putting you in
another pairing. But why?
Because you two don't
work together as a team.
You're being
childish and giggly.
I think Leggo and I
are making headway.
You and Leggo can
stop making headway.
That doesn't make
sense. Yes, it does.
In what way?
In the way that makes
proper sense to people
if you know what sense it is
that you're talking about.
Right.
You Don't make
any headway! OK?
Oh, Bob!
Can I have two hours for lunch?
Goodness me, you
are a Hungry Hilda.
No, I'm going on a date
WHISPERS: with
Julie's ex-girlfriend.
Pardon? We've hooked
up on PinkCupid.
Goodness me. Do you? Do
you find her attractive?
No. No!
No, I'm gonna worm my
way into her confidence
to dig up Julie's dirty laundry,
literally, if necessary.
And how are you
going to do that?
Well, I'll walk in Yeah.
Erm, you you be
her. You be her. Mm.
Mm. Oh, there you are.
Hello. Hello.
Martin. Me-Me-Melanie.
Melanie.
Erm, i-it's nice to
be on a date with you.
Oh, that sounds really nice.
Pardon? Nothing. Nothing.
Erm, hello, Catherine. Hello.
I understand you've recently been
in a six-year relationship. Yes.
Er, my ex, Julie, is a
p-police superintendent,
and she's probably very
jealous of her colleague, Bob,
who is also a, er,
superintendent.
Oh, jealousy is a terrible
thing, Catherine. Yes.
I wonder, is there any reason
why she might not be promoted
to a position of authority?
Well, let me have
a think. Erm
And then we probably kiss.
Yeah. Er, they'd, er They
probably would, I imagine.
Erm HE CHUCKLES
Good luck. Erm, hope
it goes well. Aw.
Good luck.
And when the suspect is
being especially difficult,
we pull out this little baby.
I'm not a baby, I just
don't wanna do it.
She meant the polygraph,
Paul. No, I didn't.
Why can't we see you sit
in the hot-seat, ma'am?
Could warm your cheeks a little.
Because I'd rather slice my own
head off with a cheese wire.
OK, Huggins.
Er, green is for truth,
red is for a lie.
Are you ready? Mm-hm.
Have you ever fantasised about me
in a less-than-appropriate way?
Erm
Y-Yeah.
Of course. Everybody has.
That was the control
question, wasn't it, Huggins?
Sorry, I don't understand.
To make sure that the
machine is working.
OK, next question,
nice and easy.
And remember, this
is just an exercise.
Are you a mole?
Erm no.
Course not, look at you.
OK. Go on, join the others.
Jackson, you're up next.
Do you think I look like a mole?
Do you want to? No.
Maybe it's the haircut.
You've never seen a mole
before, have you? No.
OK, Stephanie Jackson, a nice, easy
control question to start with.
Do you have a little twinge down
below for somebody at this college?
Possibly.
Is it one of the
trainers? Yes.
Is it one of the students? No.
STEPH LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
What? Oh, no, the thing is
th-that polygraphs are affected
by nervousness, fear, confusion.
Th-They don't They don't
actually know how to differentiate
between different
types of anxiety.
Mm-hm, OK. Moving on
Sorry, can you just ask me the
twinge question again, please?
I think we've all had enough
twinging of your minge, don't you?
This is PAVA spray, OK?
I thought we were supposed
to be doing interviewing?
There comes a time when
the talking has to stop.
And that time is pretty much right
at the start. Force the confession.
DAZ LAUGHS
PAVA spray is synthetic, but
it is basically pepper spray.
Oh, it must be
already ground, is it?
What?
Well, there can't be, like,
a grinder in the can, surely?
It's a jet of liquid, it's not
pepper like salt and pepper.
Yeah. Yeah, I Yeah,
I know. No, you didn't.
BREATHLESSLY: You You
You thought it was pepper like
you sprinkle on your avocado.
Sorry, I actually didn't.
Yeah, you thought
you'd have to get it
about six inches
from someone's nose.
No, I didn't. Make
'em sneeze a bit.
I'm not stupid, oh,
my God. DAZ LAUGHS
It was a joke. What?
Is there a grinder in
the can? I mean, come on.
WHOOSHES, LAUGHTER Yeah, duh.
Hey, don't "duh" me.
LAUGHTER STOPS Don't.
Did you "duh" me? No.
I was just saying
Der mot O'Leary.
Why? Because you really
remind me of him.
I actually think he's
very good looking.
DAZ CHUCKLES Fair enough.
This is painful. Nice.
I will just example you
how it will be used.
An officer will adopt a good
strong, stable firing stance.
And I'm gonna fire it,
short, sharp bursts.
Spray!
Ugh, instant boner.
Urgh!
PAVA spray is a tactical option,
for instance if the subject
has got a bat in his hand.
Why would he have
a bat in his hand?
Well, to hit ya. Oh, right,
like a big baseball bat.
Well, yeah. What did you
think, a ping-pong bat?
No, I thought you meant, like,
them bats you get in caves.
For fuck's sake, mate.
Right, who wants a go?
How about you, sugar tits? Have
to tell Mike he's lost his bird.
Clearly fancies me,
don't she, eh? DAZ LAUGHS
Come on, big boy. All
right, come on, then.
Smart arse.
Let's see how smart you are
when the action kicks off, yeah?
Spray the dummy.
GASPING ALL: Ooh
What you doing?
Following orders. Duh.
DAZ SCREAMS
Ooh
Oh, shit.
Oh, how did it go?
Not that I am supposed
to know, erm, or am I?
I can't remember.
OK, Bobster. Bobster.
I got her hammered, and
she was very loose-lipped,
and horrible, and I made a list.
Superintendent Spry
has a sluggish bowel
and can go seven days
without a movement. Mm.
She uses the windscreen
wipers too often,
claps when the aeroplane lands.
Refused to pick up
their dog's poos,
and lies to homeless people
about having no change.
That's a lot.
She came up with 93 93!
of these. At that point,
yeah, she got a bit maudlin.
I had to walk her home, there
were some tears, some anger.
Yeah. Some fumbling
with dungarees.
"Dungareeseses." What
is the point of them?
Now, regarding the plan to
release all of this to the public,
well, there's good news
and there's bad news.
Right, what's the good
news? Tend to prefer that.
Superintendent Spry clearly
has a vindictive streak
a mile wider than
we already thought,
and will stop at
nothing to get her way.
If I put even half of
this on social media,
well, she'll be cancelled.
And the bad news?
Superintendent Spry clearly
has a vindictive streak
a mile wider than
we already thought,
and will stop at
nothing to get her way.
Mm, well.
We'd end up as a
pile of gnawed bones.
I don't want to be a
pile of gnawed bones. No.
So So, plan B,
then? That was plan B.
Plan
COUGHS C?
Well, I suppose we just rely
on institutionalised sexism
and hope she doesn't
get a promotion
because women are too emotional
and just generally a bit weedy.
Right, oh, well,
fingers crossed. Yeah.
GASPS
HEAVY BREATHING
GASPING, GROANING
If you're trying to impress
me, Daz, it's not working.
Right, well, it is a bit,
but it's not appropriate.
Ah, little bitch.
You can't talk to me like that,
I'm the only reason this
place doesn't fall apart.
Not you. Legland. PHONE CHIMES
Oh, God, it's Catherine.
Who's Catherine?
Superintendent Spry's ex.
She's in love with me,
and she thinks we should start
a new life together in Anglesey.
Oh, Anglesey's all right.
It may well be, it's the other
bits I have a slight problem with.
Well, pie her off, then.
Well, I've tried hinting.
Say her minge stinks.
That's what I do.
Not with Catherine, just in
these situations generally.
"Catherine, this
may sound strange"
"as I've never been near
your nether regions, but"
You wanted to see me,
and presumably it's about
arranging a threesome.
Ah, come in, Legland.
We have breaking news.
Ooh, have they released
new dates for Taylor Swift?
Here's the thing Yes!
We were OK with the cheeky
chap pie. Oh, cheeky.
Class clown. Even
the open abuse.
We could overlook all of
that, given your family ties.
Well, my dad does have a fantastic
paisley patterned cravat.
You found a way around us.
Don't tell me I've outwitted the
UK's top law enforcement duo?
Being a little shit is one
thing, Legland, but this -
this, I'm afraid,
is quite another.
OK. To be fair, I was a bit inept.
I'm not the only guilty of that.
Huggins isn't doing it
deliberately, though, is he?
Meant Bob, but whatever.
I have got ears.
It was assault. There you go.
I don't want that.
If you do your job recklessly,
you put your own life in danger,
which personally, I'd
be quite happy about,
but more importantly,
you put the public and your
fellow officers at risk,
and that I cannot have.
What are you saying?
I'm saying you're out of here.
Finished. Expelled. Seriously?
Oh, hang on, I can
say, "You're fired."
I've spoken to your
parents, they understand,
and they've left it
all to my discretion.
OK. Well, brilliant.
Look, you have made a young
boy's dream come true.
My pleasure. Oh, so
do we hug? Is that?
No, just leave your
uniform, warrant card, kit.
And say your goodbyes.
Sure. Goodbye.
Bye. Love you.
Love you too. No, I don't.
Oh, fucking hell, Bob.
What's going on? What happened?
I'm going. Going home?
Nope. Er, yes, but I'm
not coming in tomorrow.
Oh, what, you got a day off?
No, I'm taking every day off.
Nah, you can't take every day
off, you wanker, you'll fail.
No, I won't fail, cos I'm no
longer taking part. You wanker.
But what does that mean? It
means someone who masturbates.
No, how come you
won't be taking part?
I'm off the training
course. It's game over.
Is it really?
Yep, Geeta, it is.
You can't just go,
man, seriously.
Can't stand the heat
on the street, I guess.
Listen, you may have noticed,
I've been trying to bunk
off since day one, so
Goodbye, then, man.
I'm gonna miss you.
Yeah, I'm gonna
miss you too, man.
I won't see you.
Hey, look, you know,
maybe you can arrest me
sometime when you're qualified.
That sounds really nice.
Does, doesn't
it? Thanks, mate.
Well, have a good life, I
suppose. No hard feelings.
God, no. Mm.
Mm. We're not so
different, you and me.
This is something that you
really wanna do, and I don't.
So, we are quite
different. Yeah.
Geeta, bye. We'll see.
What do you mean, we'll see?
Right, stop it, just stop.
STAMMERS You do the
thing that you do
I'm not doing anything. OK.
Well, thank you for always being
the smartest one in the room.
Er, 'scuse me.
Yeah, er, sorry, no offence.
OK. Goodbye, then.
Not sure who's gonna insult me
now. I'm sure you'll find someone.
Girl like you.
Yeah, but no-one's quite as
obnoxious as you are, though.
No, I know.
What?
CHOKING
SIGHS
Your flies are undone.
Correctly operated
trouser openings
are a sign of correctly functioning
brain, my father used to say.
Oh, was he in the force?
No, he was a wrestler.
Oh, cool. What does
your father do?
Mm-hm?
Your father, what does
he do? I haven't got one.
Mother? No, I haven't got one.
Adopted? No, nothing.
Well, who brought you up
then, the fairies? A she-wolf?
Just Just me, mainly.
Ah, self-raising.
Like the flour.
PAUL CHUCKLES Yeah. Flour man.
Mm. Anyway, enough of
this drivel, places to be.
Of course, you're meeting
Wendy Wax at 6.30. Enjoy.
How the hell do you know that?
Well, you You told
me that, obviously.
I told one of my young male student
officers about my pubic grooming?
STAMMERS: Yeah, and that
young little officer was me.
Has somebody been
reading my diary?
No. What What's
Whose diary?
My diary that I keep in my
private drawer in the office.
Ah, maybe it was
was it that
oh, maybe it was lying
about or something?
Yeah, only it wasn't.
Well, we're gonna have
to disagree to disagree.
Question is, why would somebody
be rooting around in my drawers?
Do you need an
answer right away?
No. You're all right,
Huggins. OK, good.
I've heard all I need to hear.
Oh, glad we sorted that out,
my man. CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY
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