President Curtis (2026) s01e05 Episode Script

1
I don't know
how much clearer we can be.
The Party doesn't care
about you kicking Mothman
into high-voltage fencing.
Where's our
infrastructure bill?
Where's our
Supreme Court stacking?
Susan, come on,
it's my job to eliminate fear.
That piece of shit's
been flying around,
mothballing cheerleaders
for decades.
Andre, I know you don't think
you work for The Party,
but we sure as fuck
don't work for you.
Your job is to support
our interests.
Bye, Andre.
Yeah okay, bye.
Tony, set a meeting
with The Party…
I'm starting to think
we shouldn't support Curtis
for re-election.
Totally.
He's a fluke one-termer.
Did you hear that?
You think he's still
on the call?
Quietly listening
as insecurity sets in?
Ugh.
Well, that went well.
Oh, my god, this is why
I waved you out of the office.
Sir, why didn't you
tell me about that call?
It's my job to help
with Party drama.
You think I give a shit
about The Party?
When you need to know something,
you'll know.
Like now.
You should know I gotta piss.
Mm, he's part robot,
he's part cop ♪
Come see me.
Hello?
Detroit streets
are safe as hell ♪
Are you afraid?
You're weak.
You have a little dick
and balls.
Shit.
I'm just saying…
Seriously, Banks?
Outside the bathroom?
Well you walked away before.
Gather the staff.
We're going to Camp David.
Camp David?
You're taking a vacation now?
We leave in twenty.
Ugh.
Don't ever stand around
waiting for him, okay?
That's my thing.
How long were you behind me?
If you're asking if I heard
you fart, the answer is yes.
Are you trying to fart again,
what is wrong with you?
"She can't touch you."
Yeah no shit, Truman.
"Always jerk off
before you go,"
how is that advice, Clinton?
Useless.
Should I read that too?
Oh, are you a President?
Because it's a book passed
down between Presidents.
What are you, five?
Just tell me what's going on.
When summoned to Camp David,
a President must undergo
a test of mental will
at the hands of
an ancient witch named "David".
We're coming here
to mind duel with a witch?
Not us, him.
Alone, again.
Solitarily.
Oh, my god, guys,
it's nothing.
She can't even touch me.
I just have to
make it to sunrise
without surrendering
my kingdom.
Uhh…
She's ancient.
The terminology
hasn't aged well.
Sir?
We're here.
I thought it was a
test of mental will,
why am I staring
at his bare ass?
Part of the ritual.
Apparently the pact
was made by Roosevelt,
the wheelchair one
not the mustache one.
If you pass the test,
she remains tethered here.
Hey.
You think he's gonna fire me?
What?
Curtis. I dunno…
Feels like he's not
telling me things on purpose.
His job isn't to tell you shit.
I've asked a lot about the witch
and all he's told me
is she's basically
like a sexy roast comic.
Nothing to fear.
See you nerds after sunrise.
So that's it?
He just peaces out
until morning?
What do we do?
We go to Camp.
Wolf is howlin, my guy ♪
Kum bay ya ♪
Wow.
I've never felt such an urge
to give someone a swirly.
Good luck.
All the toilets here
are eco-friendly since Obama.
Ugh, here come The Lifers.
"The Lifers"?
Yeah, White House staffers
who have worked for
multiple administrations.
You don't wanna
hang with them,
they hate presidents.
What? That's insane,
we work with Janice every day.
Just trust me on this one.
They're loyal
to the White House,
we're loyal to Curtis.
It's oil and waddles.
You mean "water"?
Whatever, college.
I'm gonna go sign up
for the canoes
before Chomps bogarts
all the good shit.
Hey what's up, guys.
Janice, Chef Matteo,
Michael in accounting,
Chief Usher Cherri.
Love the jacket.
What are those stars?
And an ice cream cone?
Watch out guys,
the new Temp's trying
to make small talk.
Temp.
Dead Temp Walking.
Okay you clearly know my name,
I'm your boss.
Yeah, for now.
Look at those pictures.
Look at 'em.
Temps like you
leech onto a president,
then poof, who gives a shit.
That's why we put go hard
for the nonpartisan side
of government,
and let the manchilds
rise and fall like the McRib.
This is my
eighteenth Camp David.
Thirteenth.
Twenty-second.
Oh, you know me,
I don't Camp and tell.
Hey Cher, just signed us up
for axe throwing.
Let's go, pussies.
Whoo-hoo.
Oh, yeah.
Enjoy it while you can,
Temp.
In your job,
there's a good chance
this is your last Camp David.
Did I just get bullied?
And did I like it?
Oh, boy.
Let the games begin.
You've come
to challenge me again?
Well, I think
you'll like my new form.
Whoa…Oh…
Oh, god. O-Okay.
Did you skim an image
of a naked woman from my mind
and think, "This, but
water balloon carnival game"?
I mean you fully
skipped the nipples.
Are you ready to surrender
your kingdom to me, Andre?
Quit now, and release me
from this pact.
Eh, I think I'll just
let you talk shit
and make it to sunrise.
Then you stay trapped here,
and I'll go eat
an omelet or something.
Ugh, I know you're just gonna
do the jump scare thing.
Are you sure you
don't want to kiss me?
Surrender to it.
You're mist.
You can't even touch me.
The more you believe,
the more tangible I become.
Come on, I got all these boobs.
I'm sorry but,
you just look ridiculous.
As you wish.
Ah, here we go,
twenty bucks says
you're gonna be
someone from my family.
Andre?
Oh, my god,
you went straight for my mom?
Son, I…
I never got to tell you
before I died that you were
a huge disappointment.
My real mom
was scarier than that.
Keep talking, you're making
me all sentimental.
I worry about him out there.
All alone in those woods.
If you're worried,
go check on him.
You think I don't want to?
I'm rowing a canoe
in a full suit
just in case Curtis needs me.
I'm chaffing.
I dunno.
I was talking with the Lifers,
and what they said
kinda made sense.
Like, are we putting
too much faith
in this one guy?
Are you fuckin' nuts?
What?
I told you,
the Lifers wouldn't care
if Curtis ate glass
through his dick.
Dicks don't have mouths.
Then how do we pee?
Who we serve matters, Banks.
You think I'm gonna take
a bullet for the next guy?
Maybe the next guy
would actually tell us shit.
Oh, my god.
Why don't you
just admit that
this isn't about
The Lifers at all,
it's about Trent McGaffin.
What? Who's Trent McGaffin?
So you've never seen
the other hot guy
who isn't me strutting
around the office?
Yeah, right.
Unbelievable.
Okay, so he's on
a whole different story.
Whoo.
Mark it.
Two points for the cheek.
Whattup Lifers.
You throwing axes?
Uh, hit the bricks, Temp.
We reserved this spot.
Yeah, well,
I was thinking about
what you said and…
Wait, is that a Xerox'd ass?
Kennedy's.
He used to write letters
on the back.
The cheeks were
basically his wax seal.
Let me guess,
you see a President's ass
and you want to kiss it.
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
"Oh, Mr. Kennedy."
Mwah.
Uh-huh.
Wow, that's humbling.
Whoa.
That's ten points.
Right in the crack.
That's an ass cheek turkey.
Put me down for thirty.
Damn.
You really aren't like the other
Chiefs of Staff, are you?
Jan Jan, exactly how many
did Curtis have before her?
Richardson, TaunTaun,
Booger, Steve, Steve Jr.,
Steve Senior, Rollerwheels,
Pigpen, Zahara, Maddox,
Lady Cornpop, Gimble,
Barkman, Barkwoman…
Petey Ears,
Candice, GrassBear,
Michael, Backpack Kid,
Jerry, Capricorn,
Steve Senior's Force Ghost,
and Carl.
He fired GrassBear
after thirty minutes.
Jesus.
Wait, was he the one
with the laser eyes?
No that was Zahara.
Grassbear was the bear
who could turn into grass.
Well I guess his name
wasn't CreativeBear.
Hey, I'm pulling
a one-eighty on her.
Huge fan.
Hey, should we
get the journal?
What?
Matteo, you're drunk.
And high.
And overdosing aspartame.
What's your point?
She's still drinking
the Curtis kool-aid.
If piggy reads it,
she'll squeal.
Guys, I'm not gonna
tell Curtis shit.
It's not like
he talks to me anyway.
Get it.
"Commander in Brief"?
When you work at 1600
as long as we do,
you see all the fleeting
Presidential dirt.
"Reagan keeps a troll in his
closet to practice kissing on."
Is that true?
Yeah.
That's how AIDS got started.
Wow, you guys kinda buried
the lead on that one.
"Eisenhower's freeway system
was a coke idea."
Oh yeah,
he was a total snow bunny.
Damn. No wonder
you guys are so detached.
Keep reading.
One of them was a time traveler.
I'm not gonna tell you who.
Or when.
We need a plan
to oust him, Susan.
Curtis won't just step down.
He barely got the popular vote.
By election time,
people will be burned out
on his Batman shtick
and craving someone stable.
We could always
tap Dwayne the VP.
He's white, that's an automatic
ten percent of the vote.
Oh, don't stop talking
on my account.
Andre?
Have you lost your mind?
Yeah, Susan, I think I have,
especially since
I'm still naked in a swamp.
Hit me, David.
I got at least three more
whizzes in the tank.
D-Dad?
I ain't your daddy, kid.
And don't try any
of that Billy Jean shit,
I keep it wrapped and strapped.
I-I'm the kid you dreamed about
having with Beverly, remember?
I don't exist because deep down
you know that parenting
is another job
you would fuck up.
Language.
Shut up.
You're not my real dad.
Man, that shin kick
would've hurt more
if you could touch me.
Peace out, ghost baby.
I know you, Curtis.
Behind all that
arrogance is fear.
Yield to me.
David, we don't have to do
this whole song and dance.
You can quit too,
and we can just call
it a night.
Oh, Jesus.
Shit, shit, shit.
This is bad.
This is really bad…
…is what I'd be saying
if I wasn't destroying you
like a bitch!
Man, I've got all
the UNO Reverse Cards
in this game.
Keep it coming, David.
I got all night.
"Curtis cries while
watching RoboCop every morning."
Mm-hmm.
"He pees sitting down"?
This is what you got
on Curtis?
Guess it's hard
to find burns for a guy
who's basically
a man-shaped explosion.
I mean, his own Party
doesn't want him
for a second term
and he basically told them
to fuck off
and came here instead.
"Told them to fuck off
and came here instead".
Oh, also put in the
"man-shaped explosion" thing.
I was riffing
but it was a crowd pleaser.
Marking it.
Temp Banks,
you finally see the light.
I think you're ready
for the shirt.
Ooh.
Rit-u-al. Rit-u-al.
Consider this
an open invitation.
You don't need to quit
or do anything
narratively unbelievable,
but when Curtis does
eventually fire your ass…
…we'll be there
with the Lifer raft.
Aww, you guys.
You just gotta do
one thing first.
Wahoo.
Yes.
Hoist. Hoist. Hoist. Hoist.
Woo-hoo.
Let's go, pussies.
Oh, my god, this is crazy.
My first undie flagpole hoist.
Cathartic, right?
There's something
about doing tropes
that just…hits different.
Temp Lifer Banks,
welcome to the fam.
Banks.
Are you crazy?
His Batman underwear?
How could you
betray him like that?
You know he likes to wear those
when he's watching cartoons.
We gotta add that
to the journal.
Stop laughing
as a united team.
You plan the Easter Egg hunt
for a living.
You were wrong, Sergeant.
You gave the wrong orders!
Not gonna roll him over,
I know it's just
gonna be my own face.
What the hell?
Burritorama?
You went from Afghanistan
to when I worked
at the burrito shop?
How are there still beans
on the plate, Curtis?
No way.
Chet Simmons?
My old manager?
See, this is what happens
when you blow your wad
and use my mother first.
Answer the question.
How can you fail
at washing a dish?
Because your sponges suck ass.
It's not the sponges.
Marco's dishes come out great.
I'm fucking thrilled
when he clocks in.
When he clocks in at the swamp?
And for the record,
I wasn't a bad dishwasher.
Marco was 48 years old,
buying beer for
underage kids after work.
He had his own problems.
The fact that he was
a better dishwasher than me
is an admission of his own
weakness, not mine.
Jesus Christ, if only
you could do your job
as well as you ran
your fucking mouth!
My job?
You're using that college degree
to micromanage my ass
in a strip mall.
I could have run
your whole kitchen better.
You could have run my…
You're a fraud, Curtis!
A guy who tries
and fails at everything.
Now wash the goddamn dish
before I fire your ass!
In your dreams, Simmons.
You don't get
to fire me this time
because I fucking quit.
You can shove that dish
up your worthless ass.
Wait, wait, wait, S-Simmons?
Oh, no no no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Curtissss…
Oh god, David?
You quit, Curtis.
You surrendered.
Finally, my chains
have been lifted!
I'm free!
Free to finally eat something
other than fucking swamp water.
No!
I wasn't actually quitting!
Let's go back to my tiny balls!
Kyle.
We're supposed to be…
…watching the gates
to make sure no one goes in.
Mm, forget the gates, Lisa.
I'd rather watch you…
Oh, my god, stop it.
You know I can only kiss
with my eyes closed.
Babe?
No!
Not Kyle and Lisa!
They were just getting serious.
Ah! Ugh!
No!
Ah!
You should've stayed boobs.
Back off, O'Dong.
The chonies stay on the pole.
Let me guess,
Trent just batted his eyes
and you did his bidding.
I still don't know
who that is.
It's just underwear,
who cares?
You should.
You're supposed to be
on Curtis' team.
Well, tell that to Curtis.
Guys!
Wow, perfect timing.
Oh, thank god,
you're all alive.
Sir, are you alright?
It's David,
she used her mist powers
to mess with my mind
and trick me
into quitting my job.
She got Kyle and Lisa.
Aw, they were
just getting serious.
Goddammit.
Wait, mist powers?
You didn't tell me
the witch had mist powers.
Bro, she's dead.
Doesn't matter.
Wait.
Is that my underwear?
How embarrassing.
Skidmarks, too.
David?
But I killed you.
Goddammit, sir,
she's a water witch.
She can regenerate!
Ahhh!
She's not real.
It's just the asparta…
Matteo, no!
Your tiny projectiles
pass through me like water,
which is kinda my whole thing!
Ugh!
You should have told me, sir.
I brought hemlock bullets,
mirrored bullets,
nightshade bullets.
I brought all the wrong things.
Been a long time
since I've eaten a king.
You want him,
you gotta go through Janice.
And Cherri.
And Michael
in accounting!
Wow, you guys
are fighting a monster
instead of letting
your boss die.
How profound.
Pictured her face
as an ass crack.
The student becomes the master.
Get to the cabin!
Come on.
Move, move, move.
Oh, hey! It's everyone.
Hey, should I go get my guitar?
No!
Read the room.
Barricade the doors
and windows.
Use whatever you can find.
Here, use this.
What's a loose drawer
gonna do?
Oh, so now we're
barricade shaming?
Oh, my god, no no no!
Who is that?
"Who is that?"
It's Trent!
It's Trent!
You dipshit.
Obviously Trent.
So this is the other
hottest guy in the office?
Stop treating him
like a piece of meat!
Sorry. Sorry.
Is it, uh…
is it wrong to steal
a dead man's underwear?
I've been naked
for a very long time.
Trent would want you
to have them, sir.
Plus, he famously has those
incredible tearaway pants.
Perfect fit.
Bless you, Trent.
Okay, how do we chain her
murdering ass
back to that swamp?
Fuck that.
The van is out back.
Let's bail, pussies.
That's what she wants.
Water Witches feed
on fear and shame.
To trap her,
we'll need a massive
amount of vulnerability.
And copper.
Everyone,
grab what you can find.
Ooh, it's a copper caper.
Oh, this again?
Ay, ya ya ya…
Here, this should help
with the vulnerability.
Oh, is this like a burn book?
Doubt it will do much.
"Curtis cries while watching
RoboCop every morning",
no shame there.
"He pisses sitting down",
everyone should,
no splashback.
"He calls spaghetti,
'pasghetti'",
obviously, it's cuter.
"His own Party doesn't want
him for a second term…"
Banks! What the hell?
That happened this morning.
Wait, my underwear?
Yes, sir.
Jesus Christ, do you hate me?
No, I don't hate you.
The opposite.
I thought you
were gonna fire me
because you don't
tell me anything.
That call with
the Party shook me, okay?
I'm terrified of losing my job
and I thought if
I told you I'm scared,
you'd lose faith in me.
That's great guys,
but let's save the atoning
for trapping the witch.
Sign Cherri the fuck up.
Me too.
Wait, really?
Why are you surprised?
We already threw
the axes at her.
As long as you're in
the White House,
we got your back.
So let's go eat
this bitch for dinner.
You guys are crazy!
I'm gonna get in
that car and dri…
Sandra!
To the swamp! Now!
But it says kitchen.
There's an exit, Michael!
Ow, shit.
I'll give anyone
$5,000 if they carry me.
Here, sir,
this should ground her.
It has swamp-activated
filaments.
Your ab hole never ceases
to amaze me, O'Doyle.
Thank you, sir.
Everyone.
No matter what happens,
stay vulnerable.
And remember that Latin
I taught you two seconds ago.
So much weakness.
We're not afraid of you, David.
As long as you know I'm here,
you will always fear me!
Wait, is that why you made
a deal with Roosevelt?
Because you're afraid
of being forgotten?
I fear nothing!
You are no king, Curtis.
You're right about that.
Now!
What? No!
Nostra fragilitate,
te alligamus.
Nostra fragilitate,
te alligamus.
Everyone, be vulnerable.
Now!
I spiral out
because I'm insecure
about my self-worth!
I mask my insecurity
with arrogance.
Also, Marco was a better
dishwasher than me.
What?
I was jealous of Trent!
I tried to shield you
from The Lifers
to keep our world's apart.
No! Stop!
Stop owning your shit.
I leave mean reviews on my
mother-in-law's Etsy shop.
And I use the C word a lot.
I once robbed a bank
in a Nixon mask.
It was Nixon's idea,
but still, not cool.
You didn't include me on
either side of the story.
That hurt my feelings.
When I have to take
really bad shits,
I use the women's bathroom
because it's cleaner!
And I put out
the wet floor sign
so people don't come in!
I abuse the public trust
in janitorial equipment
so I can get out
my bad diarrhea!
Michael, we fired
so many janitors.
I know!
I'm the accountant,
I see all the paperwork.
Aghh!
Ah! Nooo!
With the strength
of my administration,
I bind you back to this land.
Th-that's fine.
It's actually
a bad look for you,
putting down a powerful female!
Uh huh,
so now you're davidsplaining
that it's your idea
to get trapped?
You'll be baaaack!
Michael, we need to talk
about your diarrhea.
Alright,
everyone say "David".
David!
Great, got it.
Whose phone is this?
Hey, Cherri.
Thanks for letting me
spin out with you guys
but, uh, not sure
I should be wearing this.
Oh, keep it. You probably
don't have as much
job security as you think.
Alright, well… see you at
the Happy Hours after work?
Ha, not if I see you first.
Okay, I think I made a friend.
Listen,
cat's out of the bag, Susan.
I know you guys might not
support me for re-election
and I don't care.
And how is this different?
Because I did care before,
I was just lying about it.
Look, the people elected
a guy who can't wash a dish
and that's what
they're gonna get.
And until they vote me out,
I have a job to do.
Yeah, hi Susan,
Banks?
chief dog here.
We work for the people,
not The Party.
So you can expect a lot more
monster fighting
from this end…
Oh. Okay.
So what is this,
we talk to you now?
You talk to both of us.
Right.
Thanks for the update, Andre.
Nice work, Banks.
Did you hear her
shaking in her boots?
"So we talk to you now?
I'm a stern old lady
in a dark room."
I'm still on the line.
I dropped the phone
while trying to hang up.
I'm guessing this is only gonna
make you guys hate me more?
You guessed right.
Makes sense.
Fair is fair.
Are we all just
staying on the line now
to catch if the other person
says something?
Nerdsayswhat.
What?
Oooh!
Ah! Got ya!
Nerd!
Mother nature
acting natural ♪
Then she attacks ♪
Supernatural swampy lady ♪
All up in my deepest fears ♪
But I only ♪
Fear that I'll die aloneee ♪
Uh… I, um…
I don't know any of you,
but uh…
I worked with your son.
Trent and I…
God, how do you describe us?
Uh, we didn't really
know each other,
but we were obviously
the two hottest guys
in the office.
We were the face alphas.
I squandered
my time with him
over a petty competition
that was mostly in my head.
But I came here to heal.
Because Trent showed me
how to be hot inside too.
Thank you.
Thank you for the kind words.
You know, I have no clue
what my son was talking about.
You can't possibly be the most
annoying guy in the office.
That son of a…
Good girl, Boo Boo.
Did you get any of that?