Pretty Smart (2021) s01e05 Episode Script

You can sit if you want.
Okay.
So what did you wanna tell me?
Oh, no, you go first.
Okay, well
your near-death experience
got me thinking.
It reminded me how important it is
to live life to the fullest.
I agree.
Which is why I've decided that
I need to know
if Claire has feelings for me.
- Claire.
- Yes.
Claire.
Right.
Right. Right.
That's what you wanted to tell me.
Of course.
Are you okay?
You look like me watching Field of Dreams.
All the emotions at once.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm a good
I'm a goody-goody-good-good.
- Great. Then I'll continue.
- Perfect.
I need to find out if Claire is into me.
If she is, I'm gonna tell her how I feel.
Yeah. That sounds like a good plan.
Speaking of good plans,
I'm gonna eat a Pop-Tart in the bathtub.
Uh, wait. Wait. There's actually more.
I was kind of hoping you could
- Find out if she likes you.
- Yeah.
Because if I tell her I like her
and she doesn't like me back,
that'll mess up our whole friendship.
So I have to know first.
Does that make sense?
Yeah. It does. It's just, um
I was asked to do relationship recon
on Claire my entire childhood.
I even had a routine response.
Thank you for inquiring
if my sister currently likes you.
Due to the high volume of interest,
response times may be longer.
Thank you. Your crush is important to us.
Sorry, Grant,
I'd really rather not get involved.
Okay. That's okay, Chels.
I'd never want you
to do anything you don't wanna do.
Okay, fine, I'll do it.
You moping muscle man.
Really? Wait, seriously?
- You'd do that for me?
- Apparently.
Okay, but you can't use my name.
I don't want her to know that I'm asking
because then things will get weird
Yes, yes, I'm very aware of recess rules.
I think the verbiage I used to use was,
"If a boy liked you and he told you,
would you go out with him?"
Yeah, that's perfect.
And not to put any pressure on it,
but if you could tell me
as soon as possible,
that would be so great.
Trust me,
I have no interest in dragging this out.
[theme music playing]
[groans]
This lighter isn't
lightering!
Jayden, do you have a lighter?
No. I had a terrible incident at Bonnaroo,
and the incident
was that I went to Bonnaroo.
Also, I lost my lighter that day.
[groans]
Okay, what is happening?
You look like a white guy who's been asked
to think about his privilege.
- You know how I dated Ezra?
- From your yoga class.
- Then I dated Marley.
- From the herbal remedy shop.
- And then I dated River.
- From the river.
Yeah. So?
So all of the guys that I date
are serene, centered,
spiritually enlightened, but
They're not good
at banging your brains out.
- Exactly.
- Yeah.
I haven't had a non-self-induced orgasm
since that Mayan spirit
visited me in a dream.
Ugh.
I keep waiting for Bhabajeet to visit me.
The passion just isn't there.
It's like they've zen'd all of the fight
out of their being.
I told Marley he was a little bitch,
you know, flirting to get things going.
Interesting tactic.
But instead of jabbing back
and jumping my bones,
he embraced me for ten minutes,
made us meditate together,
and then fell asleep mid-Om.
Let's just say
I had to DJ at my own party.
Okay, so you need a little confrontation
to light your sage on fire.
You're a lawyer.
I'm sure you know where
to snag a meaty guy who likes a fight.
A meaty guy who likes a fight. Yes.
Yes, I do. Yes! Yes!
Easy, tiger.
I don't wanna have to hose down the sofa.
- [whispering] Chelsea.
- Jesus.
Talked to Claire yet?
No! I just woke up.
My eyes are barely open. Get out.
Okay, okay.
But you are gonna talk to her, right?
- Grant.
- Okay.
[yelling]
I have to go for a run outside now.
- [whispering] I'm not actually going
- Oh, my God.
- Morning.
- Morning!
One of my four favorite times of the day.
Are you okay?
Yes, yeah,
I'm just checking my wrist reflexes.
They're solid.
So [clearing throat] how are things?
How's work? How's life?
Do you like any boys?
What?
Did you just ask me about boys?
Oh, this is everything I've ever dreamed!
Well, no, actually,
in my dream, you and I are extras
in an Olsen twins' music video,
and we're sharing
one huge pair of overalls!
But this is close!
Okay, just calm down,
you know, deep breaths.
Okay. Okay.
Boy talk, with my sister. Great!
But where?
The spa!
Oh, a magical place where women
can share and bond and laugh and cry,
while keeping up on pubic hair trends.
You told me were getting coffee.
You tricked me.
I know, I'm sorry,
but I knew what you would say.
- I hate spas.
- That's what you would say.
I love them.
You know, sometimes as a treat,
Mom would take me to the spa.
Oh, sometimes as a treat,
Dad would let me
grade his students' papers.
Giving a college student a C-minus
as a 12-year-old
can't get that kind of euphoria at a spa.
Well, I already bought all-day passes
and they're non-refundable,
and you don't have a car.
Fine. But no one is touching my feet.
And promise you're not gonna
recap your dating history.
I can't promise that.
Two sisters checking in.
What's up, Grant?
Oh, nothing much,
just cleaned the gutters,
descaled the coffee maker,
and now I'm organizing the key bowl.
And I'm done.
All the car keys are now on the same ring.
Okay, that took Only eight minutes?
Oh, God.
How long does
an all-day spa treatment take?
Is it, like, an all-day thing?
Yeah.
This Tupperware situation is a mess.
I can never find a matching set.
It's like socks,
or good-looking fraternal twins.
Yeah, you're right. The Tupperware.
This is no way to live.
The bottoms need tops,
the tops need bottoms.
They should try switching. Works for me.
We gotta reorganize the Tupperware.
I can't.
I have plans to do absolutely nothing,
then feel bad about it at 3 a.m.
Plus, like, reorganizing the Tupperware
would take all day.
Exactly.
Hello, old friend.
Then Tim and I broke up after five weeks,
and I started dating Gino Adamos,
the hang gliding instructor,
for four weeks and three days,
then there's David Chu,
the hang gliding instructor-instructor.
We dated for five weeks and one day.
- And then there was
- Okay. I get it. I get it.
There was someone else
who you had a frivolous relationship with.
I'm asking if you like anyone now.
Those relationships weren't frivolous.
They were frivolfull!
Claire, have you ever had
a long-term relationship?
One that lasted past the honeymoon phase?
There's clearly a pattern here.
A pattern?
Oh, you mean, extreme sports instructors?
What can I say?
I like guys that grip it and rip it.
Come on.
You listed dozens of relationships,
all of which you ended before six weeks.
That's not true. Is it?
- Oh, that's super random.
- No, I don't think it's random.
You end relationships
before they get serious
because you're afraid they'll leave you,
just like Dad.
Excuse me? Just like Dad?
You're telling me
you never once made that connection?
I find that pretty iconic coming from you.
What did Dad call you
when you graded his students' papers?
His little assistant.
And what was your title
when you worked for Dwayne?
Assistant.
You're telling me
you never once made that connection?
Okay. You know what?
I don't feel like talking to you anymore.
Good. Me neither.
Ugh. God. I feel like
a piece of imprisoned sushi.
Okay. This is a mess.
So much disorganized plastic.
It's like an episode
of Disaster Butt Lifts.
Grant, this is insane.
There's just absolutely no reason
to spend all day Oh, my God.
Feels good, doesn't it?
That was so satisfying.
I haven't felt this good since Andy Cohen
confused me for Kyle Richards
at an Outback Steakhouse.
Give me more, I need to feel that again.
[groans]
Whoo!
[jazz music playing over speakers]
That steak you're eating
comes from an animal.
Uh, yeah. Yeah, I guess it does.
An innocent animal who you murdered.
I mean, I didn't personally do that.
You murdered its body and its spirit,
just so you can have
a few moments of carnivorous pleasure.
You must like that sort of thing.
Don't you?
No. No, I don't.
The truth is, I love cows.
Always have since I was a little boy.
I used to say, "Moo-moo goes the cow!"
Now look at me, I'm disgusting.
Okay, from here on, this is
the last bite of meat I will ever eat.
You've changed me, miss. Can we embrace?
No, get away from me. Go! Go!
[clearing throat]
I heard what you said to that guy.
I, for one, do love that sort of thing.
Juicy, raw, meaty, dripping steak.
And I don't give two Bitcoins
where it comes from
or what you think of it.
Waitress! The veal.
[gasps]
- Bloody.
- Oh!
Thanks a lot for ruining the spa for me.
I'll never put cucumber in my water again.
Sorry, it's not you. It's her!
- I didn't drag us here.
- I didn't bring up Dad!
Oh, excuse me,
I don't like my feet being touched.
No, thank you, please.
You need this. Trust me.
You really don't have to
bother with my feet, so no
[groaning]
Oh, my God!
What on earth is happening?
She's touching my toes,
but I feel it in my heart.
Why am I laughing?
Foot massages
lead to emotional breakthroughs.
[sobbing] It's science, just go with it.
[sobbing]
It's incredible!
[whispering] Thank you, miss.
You were right.
Get in here, you insensitive prick!
Look at these dreamcatchers
and rock crystals.
You're just some fake-ass,
pseudo-spiritual hippie!
[grunts]
And you're nothing but a heartless,
money-hungry, capitalist pig!
[grunting]
Oink, oink, baby.
I feel like Jell-O.
I can't believe
I resisted foot rubs for this long.
Yeah. Why would you ever be anti-foot rub?
Oh, my God. Dad's girlfriend Elaine.
Elaine in the membrane?
Yes. She was always rubbing Dad's feet
when I got home from school.
And she would talk about each toe.
"There's Mr. Hammer, ready to nail."
Ew.
No wonder you didn't like foot rubs.
You know, I've been pretty critical
of your relationship history.
And the truth is,
I'm kind of jealous of your love life.
You are?
Yeah. Your relationships are exciting
and filled with new experiences.
You never have to deal
with the pain from rejection
or the shame from saying the words:
[clearing throat] "Yes, I would like to
hear you play the banjo."
Are you kidding?
I'm jealous of you.
None of my flings ever get
to an emotionally connected place
like you had with Dwayne.
Yeah. But the breakups are brutal.
At least you had a love
deep enough to miss.
Maybe we can both do better.
Yeah. Maybe.
So given that,
if a boy liked you,
and told you he liked you,
would you go out with him?
That depends on who the boy is.
Let's say he's one of those guys
you ended things early with.
And let's say he's sweet,
and charming, and unexpectedly wise.
I think I would.
I'd like to think the next chance I get,
I'll be able to let someone in.
Like, for real.
- There is someone I still think about.
- Really? Who?
Just
someone.
That's great. And you never know, Claire,
maybe he's still thinking about you too.
That's it, Jayden, we're done.
We're not done.
We still haven't found a bottom
for this sad, green, triangle lid.
What's it made for?
Food doesn't even come in triangles.
Is it a guitar pick for a giant?
Are we living in the dollhouse of a giant?
Okay, we've got to stop
because I'm going crazy.
No, Jay. We can't quit.
Clearly, the lid
wants to be with the container.
Question is,
does the container wanna be with the lid?
We have to find that out
before lid and container
can live out their destinies.
Thank you. I really needed to hear that.
Okay, I'm gonna go
check the neighbor's sandbox.
I never trusted Ricky.
Not just because he's a better dancer
than me.
[door opens]
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So how was it?
Another great day at the spa.
Um, I'm gonna go
wash off the last of the seaweed.
It really does creep into your butt.
So does Claire like me?
Um
I can't say for sure
because of recess rules,
but what I do know is that
Claire's a wonderful, sweet person
who deserves love,
and I think she's finally ready for it.
Don't be nervous, Grant.
Just go to her and speak from the heart.
You think I should?
I do.
Okay. Thank you, Chelsea.
Thank you.
I can't believe I did this,
you're repulsive.
You are. I'm gonna smell like patchouli
for the rest of the day.
How was that rendezvous?
I got what I needed.
So how was the spa?
It was
surprisingly cathartic.
That's good.
And how's your crush on Grant?
What? Who? Wh? Wh? Where?
You like Grant.
You have since the day you got here.
Who told you?
You. Just now.
Damn it.
Also, I notice that your breath shortens
every time you see him
eat a rotisserie chicken.
Please don't tell anyone.
Don't worry.
I don't mess with affairs of the heart.
You seem kind of sad about it, though.
He doesn't seem to feel the same way.
Chelsea, you just got here.
You just got dumped,
and now you're crushing on
the first guy you met.
Maybe it's time
you go be a single person in L.A.
Branch out a bit, you know?
Yeah. I guess you're right.
Thanks, Solana.
Yeah. And hey,
if you're looking for a rich doctor,
- there are plenty in the neighborhood
- Mm.
that play one on TV.
Hey.
Hey, Grant.
There's something
I've been wanting to tell you.
Okay.
A little over three years ago,
when I was new in town,
walking down Abbot Kinney,
I bumped into
a super-nice girl named Claire.
You were carrying four coffees.
That's when I was
a personal assistant to Hans Zimmer.
That man does not sleep.
He just composes and makes frittatas.
Right, and when you spilled
Hans' coffees all over my shirt,
you tried to help clean up.
Of course,
you were covered in coffee, poor thing.
Exactly.
That's what you do.
You do everything you can
to make other people's lives better.
I just
I love that about you.
Aw. Thanks, Grant.
That day, I made the smartest move ever
when I asked you out.
And dating you
for those five weeks and six days
was the greatest time in my life.
I wanted to give you this.
I've kept it all this time.
Your shirt.
Oh, it smells like three-year-old coffee.
That is so sweet.
I'm so glad we met that day too.
You are? That's great because
And that we agreed to stay friends
after our breakup.
Uh, thank God that worked out. Right?
Without any weird tension or anything.
You are the best friend and roommate
I could ever ask for.
I wouldn't change a thing.
- Friend and roommate?
- Yeah.
Thanks for the shirt, Grant.
You're the best.
- Okay. I'll I'll see you later then.
- Yeah.
Wait, Grant?
Thanks again for the shirt.
Yeah.
I don't know what to do.
I looked everywhere.
Even checked the closet
where Solana keeps her kombucha mother,
and we do not go in there.
Not every lid has a perfect match, Jay.
I have to accept that.
I know, sweetie.
This Tupperware mission
took a lot out of me too.
[theme music playing]