Small Achievable Goals (2025) s01e05 Episode Script

1
The drought is over.
My libido's back.
Go with the flow.
I'll take care of you tonight.
Ah.
We say goodbye to
Julie Muldoon today.
First her career died.
Then her vagina
Let us pray.
Mom?
I can't fall asleep.
Okay. It's okay.
What time is it?
Dad told me that you wouldn't
be able to pick me up.
And what's going on?
- Uh
Yeah, I just have,
um, I've got work.
I've got some work
meetings and stuff.
What are your meetings about?
Uh
I'm here for my CT scan.
Have a seat.
I'm here to see
the gynecologist.
Have a seat.
The sleep specialist.
The vulvologist.
Bone density scan.
Audio stuff and, uh, branding.
Hmm.
And, yeah, exactly,
this'll put you to sleep.
Product placement.
- Mmmhmm.
Um
Spreadsheets.
I feel it all,
I feel it all ♪
I feel it all ♪
What is this doing here?
Oh yeah, it was the
only place with a plug.
I had to put it there.
Do you love it?
You do, you do?
Do you love it?
Okay, I'm sorry.
What are you wearing today?
You look like a business pirate.
Argh! Here.
- Oh.
Never too many pillows
for a shared office.
Ugh. Look at me.
I got something for you, okay.
It's gonna open you up.
Are you ready?
Ba-bing!
Best friends.
Do you like this?
Best friends
- Best friends!
Yeah.
I'm gonna put this right over here.
Look. Yep. Look.
We're looking at
each other.
Yeah, it's great.
- Mwah. I love you.
I love you.
Okay, come on.
You don't seem like yourself.
Lay it on me.
Okay, fine.
I, I'm having some
problems with sex,
and, uh, it's like
my garden has become a sandbox
and everything I
try doesn't work.
It's just, it's so unfair.
It's like, you know,
like, men,
they get erectile dysfunction.
What do they do?
They go to the doctor.
They say, I got E.D.
He's like, poof,
here's some Viagra.
For women,
what do we got?
We've got, uh, V.D.
Vaginal dryness.
See what I did there?
That is an unfortunate acronym.
It kind of is.
Oh.
Oh, Ronnie's here.
I, I don't know.
Who's Ronnie?
Ronnie Roy from
"News with Ronnie"?
I don't know who Ronnie is.
Oh my God. Oh.
I'm sorry.
I am so tired.
Um, our guest
cancelled yesterday.
My friend Ronnie's in town.
Um, she has a show on CNN.
She's won a bunch of Peabodys.
She's actually
really incredible.
Well, it's just that normally
we choose the guest together,
so I don't think
that's a good idea.
You are gonna love Ronnie.
She's amazing.
She's like ambitious and
driven and a go-getter.
Ah, that just all sounds
like the same thing.
Like she's kind
of boring.
Like, like a, like,
like no personality.
We were inseparable
back in the day.
People used to call
us "work wives".
That's what they said.
- What?
Anyway, I hate that term.
Yeah, I don't like
that term either.
You know, if we're gonna be a
work wife, there's gonna be
Julie?
Listen, if I have to
go to one more event
where they seat me next
to Elon, honestly.
Don't get me started.
Yeah, I get invited to
a lot of events too.
Is that right?
Pea-buddy!
Honey!
No, no.
HR says no hugging, no hugging.
HR said it.
Yeah, well, friends can hug.
Friends can hug.
Coworkers can't hug,
but friends can.
I come bearing gifts.
Signed.
- Aww.
I like to think of it as my
blueprint on surviving media.
Hit your deadlines,
never say no,
and don't let anyone
stand in your way.
Pee-wee Herman
retweeted me once.
Okay.
Congrats on the show.
Heard the first episode.
It's cute.
Oh, high praise indeed.
Uh, the last person she called
"cute" was Enrique Pena Nieto
after a couple of
double mojitos.
No!
- That sounds spicy.
I know Enrique,
that of that
I've heard of that.
Oh gosh.
She's a he's a man.
Okay, uh, why don't we
start with the makeup?
Sure. Okay.
I was thinking that we
could do a winged liner.
I think that would
be really great.
It would highlight-
- How about this
Mmmhmm?
Travel makeup tips.
Eh?
- Great! I love it.
- Great.
- Yeah.
- It's perfect.
Honestly.
It's cute and fast and efficient.
Yay travel.
So interesting.
Okay, great.
Well, then, uh,
I'll start the research.
Kris, you're on makeup prep.
And we'll do the pre-interview at,
uh, 1:00 PM.
Oh, I, it just, I, I
have can't do the,
I have, um,
I have that meeting?
You know, the ones where
I have to lay down a lot?
Oh yes, of course.
Uh, you can't miss that.
Okay, um, well-
That's okay.
Julie can do the
pre-interview.
She knows me inside out.
No need for Kris.
- Great.
Well, when you say that,
I would go the opposite.
There is a need for me,
so I made a decision:
I'll be here.
No, no, don't sweat this.
We got this.
Hey, 'member when you called
Brokaw a 'sad wet noodle'?
Oh my God,
the look on his face.
Oh.
'Cause he knew it was true.
Julie and I see a lot
of penises together too.
Quick question,
it will only take a sec.
I am just trying to
enjoy my Earl Grey.
So how long have Ronnie
and Julie been friends?
Are they casual friends?
Close friends?
Ride-or-die like Julie and I?
I highly doubt that.
They worked together
at Reuters for years.
Okay, just because they've
worked together for a long time,
and known each
other for a long time,
doesn't mean they're close, so.
Question asked,
question answered.
Hey.
- Hey.
About what happened
at the meeting
Yeah, Mo, I'm actively listening
and I do not think that this
is an appropriate conversation
and something about consent.
Who would you rather
be friends with?
Some award-winning host?
No.
Or this one?
Me. Voila.
I'd rather work alone.
Listen, hang on.
I haven't even told you
what I have to offer.
I have fun.
I have friendship.
I have a load of
unused gift cards.
I am best friends
with everybody.
Why wouldn't you wanna
be my best friend?
Hey Keith,
I'm gonna see you at lunch.
Girl, that ain't Keith.
Oh, my point still stands.
It doesn't matter.
Julie and I share an office,
so technically we
are work wives,
and why doesn't she see that?
Have you been to high school?
I did. Kind of.
Have you ever seen
a romantic comedy?
I love them.
Thing is,
gotta make her jealous.
Larry, stop asking.
Yes, I did decorate our office
with my best friend, okay.
Little comfy,
little professional.
Bit of both of us.
Two peas in a pod.
Cool. Fun fact:
Lennon hated peas.
How is that helpful?
It's like, come on John,
give peas a chance.
Shut up, Larry.
Please stop calling
me your work wife.
I would never say that.
Can you say it.
Say it now.
You said you'd say it.
Say it.
Oh my.
Hello Clarice.
That's pretty good.
We're just hanging
out being friends,
wearing masks,
chilling, bonding,
vibing, friending.
Oh, um, Kris, we're actually,
we're trying to
get some work done.
Sure thing.
Um, I just wanna say that
I'm a huge fan of your show.
Oh, thank you.
We're all fans of shows, okay?
All different shows
we can be fans of.
Okay.
Get outta here.
I thought we were bonding.
Not anymore.
- Okay.
Hey Kris, where are
we with the makeup?
Oh, it's all done.
We are gonna do a
cat-eye, nude lip.
Timeless elegance.
I don't do cat-eye.
Okay, I'll think
of something else.
No problem.
- Great. Thanks.
Hey Jules, remember that time
when you and I were going-
Oh, when border
security took your phone
and you had to use eyeliner
to file your report?
Yeah, I won the Emmy.
Wow.
But enough about me.
What's new?
How are you doing?
How's Pete?
Oh, Good. Great.
Look, I know
we've been going through a
bit of a rough patch lately,
but, but we can get
through this, vagina.
We can do hard things.
You love hard things.
Now I want you to cut out your
nonsense and get in that bed
and make sweet,
sweet love to your husband.
What you want to do
with creme brulee
is you don't want to
leave it in too long.
We're going through a
bit of a dry spell.
I'm the dry spell.
Oh.
- Yeah.
I've heard it returns
to normal after menopause.
Total lie.
I never got my
sex drive back.
So you
you don't have sex?
Frankly, I'm glad
to be done with it.
Sex is overrated.
Now I can focus on
what really matters.
Making a difference.
And that's what you
should focus on too.
Sounds rewarding.
Remember how good it felt?
Those all-nighters
to break a story?
How many podcasts are
you working on right now?
Just the one.
Glow.
That's your problem.
Find your passion.
This is our act two.
You know, I have to say,
when I read your book,
I thought it would
make a great podcast.
Really?
You good?
Oh my God.
Yes, I'm fine.
I'm just locked
out of my office,
which is totally normal.
And I am not listening, okay?
I'm leaning like this.
You want me to knock?
No, I don't want you to knock.
I'm gonna go get the key
from Jamila in a bit, okay?
Okay.
- Okay.
If you're looking
for a work wife,
I'd like to apply.
I think you misunderstood.
I'm good.
My skills:
Great listener.
Excellent snack prep.
And in a crisis,
I have pyrotechnics.
That's great.
I have to be the, there.
These are all fantastic.
Another idea:
how about starting each episode
with a quote from your book?
I am loving all of this.
Really? Let's celebrate.
I think there's some
champagne in the fridge.
Ooh, love it.
Not as much as you're
gonna love my next idea.
It wasn't even locked.
No, I swear to God it was.
I would not mess with
you because I love you.
Can I finish my Earl Grey tea?
Mmmhmm.
- Uh huh.
Mmm-huh.
Oh, whoa-wee!
Hee-hee-hee,
that's a lot for a Glow Up.
It's for a new podcast
Jules and I are working on.
Hey guys,
I got some "kombucha".
Robyn labels everything
in the fridge "kombucha"
so nobody steals it.
I didn't know that you were
doing a new podcast with Ronnie.
Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
We're just spitballing.
Julie can do more than one
podcast if she wants to.
Oh, can she?
I guess I know how life works.
Okay, Ronnie?
Listen, I get it.
You two bond over brains, okay?
You know what we bond over?
Personal stuff.
We go deep inside each other,
that's us, like real
friends do, okay?
Okay, okay, okay.
We are all real friends here,
so why don't we celebrate
with some kombucha.
It's the real stuff,
from France.
Like this morning, you know what
Julie was talking to me about?
How she has V.D.
I don't have V.D.
Yeah, you do.
Your-your dry vagina.
You talk about it to me.
Guess what I talk
about with her?
My hot sweet swamp.
You know why?
'cause we talk about our vaginas
all the time, all day long
'cause that's what
best friends do.
Sounds like
stimulating conversation.
Oh, and I'm sure what you
two talk about is way better.
Multiplication, plate tectonics.
You know what?
I'm fun and everybody
loves our show.
And if I am not intellectual
enough for you
Oh, hi, Sophacleats,
nice to meet you.
Then I know a ton of people
that would wanna work with me.
Okay?
Kris, come on. Aw, Kris.
Let her go.
Ugh!
I'm sorry, um, do you know
how long the wait will be?
No, sorry. Put on this gown.
Change rooms are down there.
You're a beautiful
woman who counts.
I think she's past it.
Genius.
Why did you tell Kris
we were doing a podcast?
I thought we were just
brainstorming ideas for you.
It would be for us.
We're doing it together.
Okay, but we haven't pitched
it to Evan or Michael.
What about your book tour?
What about your show?
Okay, breathe.
I'm giving you your life back.
Big Important Ideas was a
show that said something.
Don't you miss it?
I do.
I really do.
Hi there.
- Hi.
Hi.
How are you today?
I'm good. Great.
Great.
My name is Andrea.
Do you know what
procedure you're having today?
I certainly do, an ultrasound.
I've had many.
I've had a baby.
Great.
Feet in the stirrups, please.
Lie back.
And then could you
scooch down a bit more?
Oh. A little bit more.
Just one more time.
Great.
Oh, I definitely
knew it was that kind.
Yeah. 'Cause why use the
tummy kind when you,
that one's much more thorough.
It gets right up in there.
Hi.
- Hi.
I'm the attending physician.
How are you today?
I'm just great.
Uh-
Actually, this is a teaching hospital.
Do you mind if some
students watch and learn?
Oh, yeah, sur-
- Okay.
Relax.
- I'm relaxed.
Okay.
And here we go.
Oh, okay.
Get it right up in there.
I've had worse days than this.
I'm just, heh, I'm joking.
You're okay. This-
- Kris?
- Yeah.
Do you wanna say something?
Um I'm okay.
Uh, actually, yes.
Uh.
I'm just gonna tell my
doctor what is wrong.
Oh, go ahead.
I would like less people
watching, please.
I'm so sorry.
We'll leave.
Okay.
She's not comfortable!
Why don't we try that again?
Just the two of us, okay?
Okay.
- Ready?
- Yes.
- Last time.
Okay.
When you hear the
word ultrasound,
you just think it's
gonna be the "belly" kind.
You don't think it's gonna
be the "wait the two hours
"and fifteen people look
at your vagina" kind.
I know that something's wrong.
I keep having these appointments
and no one's
telling me anything.
And I'm just losing a lot of
blood and I'm losing sleep.
I think I'm losing my mind.
And I'm losing
and I'm losing my friend Julie.
Oh my, gerrr. Kris, oh, sorry.
What is wrong with me?
I gotta stop.
I, you know what I'm doing here?
I'm gonna tell you.
I'm letting fear rule today
and I'm not gonna do that
because I don't think I'm alone,
'cause I have Julie.
Oh God, I am gonna end up alone
if I keep talking
about her dry vagina.
Andrea, you are really
kind but are you done?
- Yep, fully done.
- Okay.
Can I ask a favour?
Yeah, sure.
Can I borrow some
of that lube?
The ultrasound gel?
Potato, potato.
Jamila, have you seen Kris?
Is she back?
Girl, I am just trying
to drink my tea.
Julie, hi.
Love Ronnie. Obvi.
But could you just tell her
I'm not an intern, okay?
She sent me for coffee twice
and she doesn't even work here.
Ronnie kicked us out of the
studio and I couldn't say no.
I can't tell if I'm a fan boy
or if I'm reliving
some sort of trauma.
It is an honour to work
with her, obviously,
but if she touches my
de-esser one more time, I-
Okay, guys.
I know that Ronnie
is impatient and blunt,
and tiny bit terrifying,
but if she was a man,
she would be celebrated.
Oh, her gender's
not the problem.
I love women.
We know this.
It's just that she's totally
ruining the vibe around here.
Yeah, this isn't gonna be
like a permanent thing, is it?
She mentioned a new show.
Um
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Wait, I'm going to pee! Stop!
Please.
Julie, Ronnie was just
pitching me the podcast
that you're working on.
I love it.
You know, we've been missing
a news podcast since we lost
Big Important Ideas.
Losing it?
Michael, cut it.
And you said it was for
"mall walkers and angry libs."
I didn't.
This is Ronnie Roy.
So it could be a huge
numbers bump for us.
I would love to hear
proof of concept.
Well, it's not entirely
fleshed out yet.
But it will be.
Almost done.
Great!
And you know what?
You use whatever you need
in this office, Ronnie.
I mean it.
I got you, girly.
And have it into me by, um
End of day obviously!
We're on it.
No, end of day we can't
because I still have to edit
Glow Up with Kris.
So multitask.
Now where is that Chelsey?
I need a coffee.
Is it possible that
Ronnie's a bad person?
Oh, yeah.
That's why I love her.
Okay, everyone,
we're on a tight timeline.
Larry, change out that mic.
Robyn, set up studio one.
Chelsea take orders
for a dinner run.
No one leaves till we're done.
No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
No food orders.
No all-nighters.
Everyone go back to
what you're doing.
Belay that order.
You wanted this.
Oh, you wanted this.
Well, if you want
another Peabody,
it's either all in or all out.
What's it gonna be?
Julie!
I am so sorry.
I love you.
Here's lube.
Look. You're welcome.
Actually, it's ultrasound gel
and it's for your dry sandbox.
I'm gonna water it.
Not me's gonna water it,
but this will water it.
Wow. Okay.
Well, thanks.
Uh, I don't think the two
products are interchangeable,
but it's the, uh,
thought that counts.
You're welcome.
Ronnie, I am out.
You never change, but I have.
With you it's always about you.
But Kris, I never
come in second place.
Whoop! Whoop!
- Yeah.
Number one!
- She completes me.
Yeah.
- We are work
Wives.
- No, I hate that term.
- Sorry.
- We are work friends.
- Best friends.
- Nope.
We're bestest of friends.
- Okay, we, okay.
We could have
whatever qualifiers.
Look, the point is,
I would like you to
stop bossing my team-
Okay, shhh!
Ronnie here.
Really? Amazing.
An explosion?
How many dead?
No survivors? On my way.
I'm on the air
in three hours.
Been a slice, everyone.
Tune in at 9:00 PM.
Oh my God, I can't believe
she was your work wife.
She's so rude.
She didn't say goodbye.
I would always say goodbye.
Or if I like you
and I do like you,
I high kick ya.
Goodbye!
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
You're gonna really
give away the-
I saw it all.
It was there.
Now we need a new guest.
That's for another day.
How did your doctor's
appointment go?
Uh, I don't think I really
want to talk about it.
But you know what?
Maybe I'll get some answers.
Sorry about Ronnie.
She's kind of a
human freight train.
That's okay.
You know, she just wasn't a good fit.
Oh. Hey. Hey.
Can we, uh, talk now?
Uh, Mo, remember what I
said about boundaries?
I'm gonna talk to you when I'm ready.
Okay?
Yep. Understood.
- Right. No.
Okay.
I just really wanna be able
to pick our podcast
guests together.
You're right. We're partners.
We should choose
the guests together.
See you tomorrow, work buddy?
Oh.
- Oh.
Why am I wet?
The glove full of
lube was in my purse.
Oh, okay.
Oh, skip to the elevator?
- Yeah.
Oh, just wanna push somebody
Your body won't let you
Just want to move somebody
Body won't let you
You want to steal somebody
Body won't let you
Who, who,
Who do you talk to? ♪
Who do you talk to? ♪