Strip Law (2026) s01e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
1
They call it Magicians vs. Animals.
It's a beloved stage show
at the Sweet Babylon Casino,
now in its 30th year.
It started when magician
Joe Milton was bitten by a rabbit
during a routine hat-pulling-out-of.
The crowd loved seeing
an animal injure a magician,
and the footage sparked a media circus.
You hear about this rabbit?
Mauled a magician.
Yeah, probably thought
it was his mother-in-law.
We got a great show tonight!
Lyle Menendez is here.
The casino saw the profit to be had,
and over the decades,
the show slowly evolved
into the all-out grudge match
between illusionists and apex predators
we know and love today.
Whoo!
Ha-ha! I
Ants!
They're going down my throat!
It's been an honor to run a show
that gives exposure
to up-and-coming performers
and pissed-off animals.
Magicians vs. Animals!
That's my friend Sheila.
I know her. She works here.
Okay, but what do you think?
Pretty obviously animal abuse, right?
I mean…
Come on, it's obvious,
and it's corrupting children.
On my way here, I saw kids
stomping on frogs, shouting, "Ta-da!"
As an advocate for animals,
I cannot allow this show to exist
for even one more decade.
Well, killing animals on stage
has been legal in Vegas
ever since that famous prop comic
glued all those birds together
to create a "fly ball."
But there might be a way.
Anything! No one else will take this case.
You're my last choice.
I wish people would stop saying that.
Oh, here. Section 32A, paragraph nine.
"The Nevada Meat Council decrees
all commercially slaughtered
animal meat must be sold and consumed."
"No meat may be wasted."
"That is an abomination
unto Carnito the Meat God."
What does that mean?
It means, Carnito willing,
we're gonna win.
-Esteemed coworkers and Glem.
-Mm-hmm.
We're gonna be the firm
that takes down Magicians vs. Animals.
Lincoln, you don't know
what you're doing.
MVA can't be killed.
Just walk away now
and save yourself a world of pain.
Sheila, I would take all this
a lot more seriously
if I could only see you
from the shoulders up.
I just came from a funeral.
Also, if I pull off a case this big,
I'll be more famous than Harrison Chalk,
the lawyer who successfully sued the moon
for making people wistful.
Mm-hmm. There was a folk song
about him in the '70s.
They used it to torture terrorists.
Do you support terrorists, Sheila?
No! I… uh…
Fine, but forget the meat law thing.
-It's our best lead.
-It's a dead end.
Look, they could literally kill me
for telling you this,
but they've been runnin'
an insurance scam for years.
Every time a magician gets maimed,
they charge insurance
for expensive hospital stays,
but use cheap in-house medical care.
And I would know. One of my fingers
is actually a spray-painted gummy worm.
Sheila, that's perfect.
Meanwhile, Glem, you and Irene go dig up
Nah, no can do, boss.
Got my license suspended.
I gunned my car in reverse
at a drive-through.
They said it was
a, quote, "senior moment,"
even after I explained it was only
because I was scared and confused.
On-brand. And you, Irene,
you don't have your license?
No. Driving is for old guys in jeans
who wanna go buy Cialis
and red Fender Stratocasters.
I swear to God! Go to driving school
and get your licenses.
Not only do I need you
to be able to drive,
but I feel like if you aren't with me,
you at least need to be doing
something visually interesting.
Get outta here!
This is really gruesome.
I know!
Ah! My old stomping grounds.
I say stomping grounds because…
'Cause you stomped flamingos' necks
or something. I've learned how you talk.
Look! It's The Great Bargatze!
Great! It's me, Sheila!
Mmm, no autographs.
That was very rude.
Nah, it's fine.
We magicians gotta get pumped up
for the killing hour.
Oh, that means the show's about to start.
Let's grab our seats.
-Uh, this doesn't look like the DMV.
-Yeah, that's because it isn't!
The DMV's boring. I found us
a way better place to get our licenses.
The Autoverse?
Yeah, I found it right after
my, uh… grown-up asphyxiation
message board changed its name.
Ah. Hello.
And welcome, new citizens,
to the world's first and only
fully immersive driving school experience.
My name is F. Mileage Richards.
Ever since I was a boy, I was drawn
to the stage with dreams of Broadway,
but fate and casting directors
had other plans.
So, when my untalented father passed away
and left me his driving school,
I did the only logical thing.
Turned it into a fully immersive town
full of actors
to teach automotive skills
to teenagers and alcoholics,
where I'm the mayor.
At a normal driving school,
when you make a mistake,
you drive over a cone and learn nothing,
but at the Autoverse…
Oh!
…when you make a mistake, you live
the beautifully-performed consequences.
-Oh!
-Oh no!
He was a doctor
and one day away from curing cancer!
Reckless driving didn't just kill him.
It killed millions.
Holy shit, this is so stupid.
Right? I knew you'd like it.
Now, let's hear it for your mayor, me!
Thank you, me!
-And now I welcome thee…
-…into the Autoverse!
-That's it, baby! Ha ha!
-Whoo! Let's go!
Since time immemorial,
man has sought
to harness the dark secrets of magic
to best his greatest enemy.
Animals!
-Oh, yeah! This is what we came for!
-Whoo! That's right!
Ladies and gentlemen,
happy 30th anniversary
to Magicians vs. Animals.
Ha ha!
Back, beast!
Magic!
To celebrate,
we've got a few
of cinema's famous magicians here
to help out.
Here comes Harry Potter, Gandalf,
and Bernie Madoff, the Wizard of Lies!
-Expelliarmus!
-You shall not pass!
Ponzi scheme!
Perfection!
Here are your characters.
Glem, from now on,
you're John David Pressman.
You're 47, have a wife, two children.
You recently moved to our small town
from the big city,
and you're learning to drive
for the first time.
Yeah. Got it. I
You've taken to drinking
in the tavern most nights,
and you're just so full
of this useless anger.
You pick fights with stevedores
that you have no intention of winning.
Good for nothin' longshoremen.
Can only talk with their fists.
Cool! Who am I?
You're Milkman Joe.
You recently got
kicked in the head by a horse,
and now you have to relearn
how to drive, cook, everything.
Even going to the bathroom?
Especially going to the bathroom.
And now, without further ado…
Places, everyone!
Places, you hacks!
Welcome
to the Autoverse!
Ah! Now this is an office
to steal documents from.
So atmospheric!
I think they keep the forms
in that filing cabinet.
All right, but I wanna savor this.
Uh, like, look at this messy desk.
Pistol, a pint of whiskey.
Sheila, I think I found your finger.
And ooh, what's this?
Invoices for the sale of meat
to somewhere called Delicious Restaurant?
Weird name, but also, maybe delicious.
Sounds legit.
Told you the meat thing's a dead end.
Meanwhile, Sheil-pen do us!
Insurance fraud city.
Medical invoices all approved
by a Gilbert Boarshead?
That must be their guy on the inside.
Dope work, queen. Nope, sorry.
Hold it!
There are alleys in Vegas?
You go right, I'll go left.
We'll meet back at the office.
How much does he know?
Excuse me, sir.
The post office is about to close,
and I need to mail my mother
this box of medicine.
Can you please
parallel park my car for me?
Oh, I see. Uh, no problem, good citizen.
And you, young lady,
someone has kidnapped my infant son
and said they'll kill him
if you don't take
this multiple-choice driving test.
Ah. Incredible writing.
The trick of parallel parking
is to first close one eye and then…
Oh shit! One second.
I… I just gotta… Oh!
Ugh! I don't know any of this!
Runaway truck zone?
What are you running away from, trucks?
Gah!
Uh… Hey, my mother doesn't need
the medicine that badly.
Maybe we could all discuss
the fundamentals
of a textbook three-point
Shut up! I don't need you people!
Irene, let's blow this no-horse town.
-But fog lights! Ten and two!
-Shut up, NPC!
Glem, I got the medicine.
Let's go trade it for weapons, eh?
-Woo-hoo!
-Whoo! Let's go!
Hey!
-Hell, yeah, baby! Whoo!
-Whoa!
Here we are
at the address of Gilbert Boarshead.
Pizza party ♪
If you're here to kill me, guess what?
I've already swallowed poison, moron.
What? No! We… we just wanna
ask you a couple questions.
Oh! Oh. Come on in.
Let me guess, you're going after
Magicians vs. Animals.
You're making a powerful enemy.
Yeah? Well, I only have powerful enemies.
That was supposed to sound badass,
but I… I just made myself scared.
I knew this day would come.
Scam was too perfect.
Force magicians to fight exotic animals,
stitch them up on the cheap,
and pocket the insurance payouts.
So you were their inside man!
Which I get.
I've been inside a lot of men.
Look, Gilbert, you can help
bring this show down by testifying.
And I can personally
100% guarantee you full immunity.
-Sheila, we can't offer
-Deal, but I need protection.
If anything happens to me,
your case is dead. Dead!
No! Our case!
And this man's life, of course.
Looks like your case is as dead as me,
a guy who is dying.
Uh, Lincoln, we've got a problem.
Oh yeah, I was heatin' up
a Lean Cuisine on a hot plate.
Oh no! My last words!
We gotta go!
One slice, two slice, pizza can't be… ♪
Okay, we've robbed the fake bank,
broken up five fake families,
and won the fake Super Bowl.
Man, this is an intricate driving school.
Yeah! I wanna see if I can get someone
to enter a murder-suicide pact.
Hello, new citizens.
I've heard you've really been making
a name for yourselves in our little town.
Um, might I ask, what do you do
when you see this sign?
And, I remind you, your time in this town
legally counts as your DMV requirement
-This is governmental harassment!
-Yeah.
Hey, everyone!
Your mayor is a freakin' Gestapo-man
trying to make us talk
about driving all the time.
Yeah!
I'm gonna say what we're all thinkin'.
I should run this town.
All hail John David Pressman!
-What do we do here?
-Do not break character.
Make a motivated choice.
As a failed dancer with authority issues,
I say we overthrow the mayor?
Take him away, Sheriff Milkman Joe!
No!
You'll all regret this!
You're all committing so excellently.
I am so proud of you.
Let the wild rumpus begin!
Okay, don't panic.
I mean, sure, our only witness
was just murdered in front of us,
but maybe the insurance documents alone
are enough to take these bastards down.
Shit, the documents!
I knew I forgot somethin'.
You left our evidence
in the burning trailer?
It wasn't burning yet!
I know the rules of fire, Lincoln.
I use it every day.
I guess this is it.
Not necessarily.
I still have the receipts
for the leftover animal meat.
What? You kept those?
I'm telling you, Lincoln,
this meat thing is a dead end.
And I know about meaty ends.
I've been inside a lot of men.
But look, every week, they sell
the exact same quantity of gorilla meat.
Are you telling me they kill
the exact same weight
in animal meat every week?
To the ounce?
Maybe! Carnito works in mysterious ways.
It's the only lead we have left, Sheila.
Are you with me on this case or not?
Of course I am.
Then drive!
To 739 Baba Booey-vard
in the Cornholio District.
-God, is everything in this town dumb?
-Bite your tongue!
Staff Sergeant Byron Cornholio died
defending your freedom!
Look how empty it is
around here.
I mean, this place is obviously a front.
Stop just sayin' things
you heard on The Wire.
Sheeee…
…eeeit.
What the hell? It's completely empty.
Is that… music?
Lincoln, seriously.
I have a really bad feeling
about what will happen if we go in…
Woof. Oink. Tweet, tweet.
The sound of a skunk.
Samson, you're alive?
Sheila, I… uh…
Why did you hit me?
And why do I feel like my brain is doing…
Uh, problem?
'Cause you're concussed.
And your brain is bleeding.
'Cause you couldn't leave it alone.
Hey, wait! The gorilla, Sam… ilton.
He was doing spaghetti
instead of graveyard. Why?
Because no one's killin' the animals.
They live better than you and me!
Delicious Restaurant was just a cover
for meat law.
So Magicians vs. Ambinals is…
Fake! It's all fake.
The greatest trick in Vegas.
And if people find out
the show wasn't really killin' animals,
it'll all come crashin' down.
So when they found out
you were pokin' around,
they tapped me to lead you
down the wrong path.
I invented a whole fake insurance scam
because I knew a conspiracy like that
was pure Lincoln bait.
Like a picture of Emily Blunt
playing Settlers of Catan.
That game's fun,
and she has a stern beauty.
I hired Lunchmeat to play the heavy
that chased us out of the office.
And to play the Gilbert Boarshead,
I hired…
Also Lunchmeat.
He's very affordable.
Then I faked his death
and destroyed the fake evidence.
And you named him Gilbert Boarshead
'cause that's a Lunchmeat word!
No, it's because Gilbert Boarshead
is an anagram of bighearted labors,
and I did this bighearted labor
to protect the show I love.
But we're, uh… business friends.
You mean partners.
Partners listen when one of them says,
"Hey, man, leave this alone.
Just trust me."
No one would've got hurt,
and a bunch of endangered animals
could keep eatin'
their $50 a plate spaghetti lunches.
Now I gotta kidnap your dumb,
precocious Harriet-the-Spy ass
until this trial's over.
-Fifty dollars? For pasta?
-That's what you're shocked by?
Well, Skee-Lo,
a partner could've just told me
about the gorillas and restaurants
and I would've dropped the whole thing.
But instead, you did it secret.
Seems like you're still more
of a magic guy than my fellow law-sketeer.
I may be concussion, but I know that much,
and I know one other thing.
-Oh!
-Ha!
-Even with blood brain, I'm the smart one!
-Pizza party… ♪
I'm gonna tell everyone the truth
and kill your dumb animal show,
and also, up yours!
Pizza party, good times… ♪
I don't know which way to go,
but still, up yours!
Pizza! That's the name… ♪
Your mayor will hear your complaints… now.
Lord John David Pressman,
we are so hungry.
Might we please venture
out of the town for food?
If we should arrive
at a four-way intersection
Next person who tries
to teach me about driving
spends an hour in the car of bees.
Please, no!
There's bees in there, and they sting you.
Yeah, well, then anger not
the mighty John David Pressman
lest you end up like your former mayor.
A hey, nonny nonny
And a nonny nonny hey ♪
Oh, what a fool I am this day ♪
Enough! Begone, all of you.
I must confer with my sheriff,
Milkman Joe.
Your Excellency, so here's the deal.
My secret milkman police
are rounding up dissidents
and reeducating them
to take left turns without signaling.
Get 'em, Milkman Joe!
But I wanna go bigger.
I think we can conscript the whole town
into an army
and expand our kingdom into
the Meow Wolf art experience next door.
I'm gonna take me
an Oberlin grad for a war husband.
Let's see how keen
their sense of whimsy is
after building me a pyramid to die in.
He-he! Man, I'm so glad I came here
with you and not a normal adult.
Come on! Let me show you
the catapult I'm building.
Ah, come on! Oh…
Damn it. How do I…
How do I freaking do this?
Irene, we gotta stop.
-What?
-Look, this ain't healthy.
You're growin' up,
and that means doin' stuff
that doesn't come easy right away.
I… I'm gettin' old, which means stuff
that was easy isn't anymore.
I mean, we've been doin'
Autoverse shenanigans to avoid facing it.
We gotta knuckle down,
get our driver's licenses, okay?
Can we still deploy an army of milkmen
to destroy an art collective?
Of course! I'm not Hitler!
Magicians vs. Animals!
Hey, there's Sheila
rehearsing with Rodney, Screamy,
and some ants we call "Da Boyz."
Say hi, Sheila.
All right, guys.
Tonight we try Sheila's new car-drop kill.
It's risky, but I believe in you all.
Sheila's car drop was a hit.
She'll be gunning for your job soon.
Yeah, sure.
Sheila has her place,
and it ain't runnin' the show.
We'll use her up, and she'll move on,
just like all the other Sheilas.
You gotta believe me.
It's all fake.
The animals love it.
The gorilla gets spaghetti,
and Boarshead is Lunchmeat.
Your Honor, my lawyer is…
I don't know, dying?
I'm gonna allow this,
but watch yourself, Mr. Gumb.
My daughter's stupid recital
only lasts another 30 minutes,
and then I might not be so patient.
The big shadow man's head was fake,
and he chase me. He chase me bad.
Sheila Flambé, Mr. Gumb's partner,
and I have some evidence to introduce.
Sheila, don't do this. You're a magician.
I'm a law-sketeer!
Your Honor, I don't know
what this evidence is
or why the light bulbs are screaming,
but I trust her.
Whatever this is, it's important.
Plus, it's got animals wearing clothes.
Like people? Overruled!
This is the truth about what goes on
at Magicians vs. Animals.
They're nice to the animals?
I wanna die!
We're ruined!
Well, Mr. Gumb, you accused the defendants
of violating meat law,
one of our most sacred institutions.
Then, instead of making your case,
you prove that no animals
are being harmed,
no meat is being wasted,
and possibly,
gorillas are being fed spaghetti.
I dismiss this case
and find Mr. Gumb in contempt
for wasting the court's time.
One weekend in the bee car!
Where am I going? Somewhere good?
Sheila Flambé,
you've made a very dangerous enemy.
Nuh-uh.
-You only know how to fake-kill things.
-Come on!
The Great Bargatze has his place,
and it ain't runnin' a show.
What? Are you referencing something
I said in the past?
I don't remember
everything I've ever said.
Up yours!
Yeah, up yours!
Hi, Sheila. Sorry about the face sand.
I'm glad we're still business friends.
I'll come pick you up on Monday!
So, you, you get what you want?
Well, you destroyed a show
that was pampering its animals,
and now I heard they're just gonna
dump them on the street.
Uh-huh, but you wanted the show killed,
and you got it,
so that'll be $20,000.
Make the check out to Gumb and Flambé.
Mr. Mayor, I believe this belongs to you.
If you'll allow us,
Milkman Joe and I would like
to stay in your town
and learn to drive safely and responsibly.
You're both banned for life,
and I called the cops 90 minutes ago.
You fool! My loyal Milkman cops
would never betray me.
His fist smells
like punched drywall!
-He's a real cop! Run!
-Gah!
Okay. Ease off the clutch
and start to press the accelerator.
Great, now start driving directly towards
the barricade of actors
trying to block us in.
Yeah, they'll move.
Good. Now, straight through the fence
into the desert.
The cops will be looking on the road.
Oh, don't forget your seat belt!
Having fun ♪
Pizza party ♪
Good times… ♪
Starts with a sauce the color of blood ♪
They laid down their lives
To protect and serve us ♪
That dough, kneaded and proved
Like they proved their love ♪
For the red, white and blue
Patriots never forget ♪
The cost of our freedom
Was paid with death ♪
Now I'm free to party
Havin' fun with my friends ♪
Gimme ooey-gooey cheesy
Pizza party till the end ♪
Having fun ♪
Pizza party ♪
-Good times ♪
-Party, good times ♪
Good times ♪
Having fun ♪
Pizza party ♪
Party, party ♪
-Good times ♪
-Good times ♪
Don't want a hamburger ♪
Or a bunch of fries ♪
When I'm hanging with my buddies
All I want is that pizza pie ♪
Don't want nachos ♪
Or a nacho cheese ♪
If I'm hanging… ♪
Chirp.
They call it Magicians vs. Animals.
It's a beloved stage show
at the Sweet Babylon Casino,
now in its 30th year.
It started when magician
Joe Milton was bitten by a rabbit
during a routine hat-pulling-out-of.
The crowd loved seeing
an animal injure a magician,
and the footage sparked a media circus.
You hear about this rabbit?
Mauled a magician.
Yeah, probably thought
it was his mother-in-law.
We got a great show tonight!
Lyle Menendez is here.
The casino saw the profit to be had,
and over the decades,
the show slowly evolved
into the all-out grudge match
between illusionists and apex predators
we know and love today.
Whoo!
Ha-ha! I
Ants!
They're going down my throat!
It's been an honor to run a show
that gives exposure
to up-and-coming performers
and pissed-off animals.
Magicians vs. Animals!
That's my friend Sheila.
I know her. She works here.
Okay, but what do you think?
Pretty obviously animal abuse, right?
I mean…
Come on, it's obvious,
and it's corrupting children.
On my way here, I saw kids
stomping on frogs, shouting, "Ta-da!"
As an advocate for animals,
I cannot allow this show to exist
for even one more decade.
Well, killing animals on stage
has been legal in Vegas
ever since that famous prop comic
glued all those birds together
to create a "fly ball."
But there might be a way.
Anything! No one else will take this case.
You're my last choice.
I wish people would stop saying that.
Oh, here. Section 32A, paragraph nine.
"The Nevada Meat Council decrees
all commercially slaughtered
animal meat must be sold and consumed."
"No meat may be wasted."
"That is an abomination
unto Carnito the Meat God."
What does that mean?
It means, Carnito willing,
we're gonna win.
-Esteemed coworkers and Glem.
-Mm-hmm.
We're gonna be the firm
that takes down Magicians vs. Animals.
Lincoln, you don't know
what you're doing.
MVA can't be killed.
Just walk away now
and save yourself a world of pain.
Sheila, I would take all this
a lot more seriously
if I could only see you
from the shoulders up.
I just came from a funeral.
Also, if I pull off a case this big,
I'll be more famous than Harrison Chalk,
the lawyer who successfully sued the moon
for making people wistful.
Mm-hmm. There was a folk song
about him in the '70s.
They used it to torture terrorists.
Do you support terrorists, Sheila?
No! I… uh…
Fine, but forget the meat law thing.
-It's our best lead.
-It's a dead end.
Look, they could literally kill me
for telling you this,
but they've been runnin'
an insurance scam for years.
Every time a magician gets maimed,
they charge insurance
for expensive hospital stays,
but use cheap in-house medical care.
And I would know. One of my fingers
is actually a spray-painted gummy worm.
Sheila, that's perfect.
Meanwhile, Glem, you and Irene go dig up
Nah, no can do, boss.
Got my license suspended.
I gunned my car in reverse
at a drive-through.
They said it was
a, quote, "senior moment,"
even after I explained it was only
because I was scared and confused.
On-brand. And you, Irene,
you don't have your license?
No. Driving is for old guys in jeans
who wanna go buy Cialis
and red Fender Stratocasters.
I swear to God! Go to driving school
and get your licenses.
Not only do I need you
to be able to drive,
but I feel like if you aren't with me,
you at least need to be doing
something visually interesting.
Get outta here!
This is really gruesome.
I know!
Ah! My old stomping grounds.
I say stomping grounds because…
'Cause you stomped flamingos' necks
or something. I've learned how you talk.
Look! It's The Great Bargatze!
Great! It's me, Sheila!
Mmm, no autographs.
That was very rude.
Nah, it's fine.
We magicians gotta get pumped up
for the killing hour.
Oh, that means the show's about to start.
Let's grab our seats.
-Uh, this doesn't look like the DMV.
-Yeah, that's because it isn't!
The DMV's boring. I found us
a way better place to get our licenses.
The Autoverse?
Yeah, I found it right after
my, uh… grown-up asphyxiation
message board changed its name.
Ah. Hello.
And welcome, new citizens,
to the world's first and only
fully immersive driving school experience.
My name is F. Mileage Richards.
Ever since I was a boy, I was drawn
to the stage with dreams of Broadway,
but fate and casting directors
had other plans.
So, when my untalented father passed away
and left me his driving school,
I did the only logical thing.
Turned it into a fully immersive town
full of actors
to teach automotive skills
to teenagers and alcoholics,
where I'm the mayor.
At a normal driving school,
when you make a mistake,
you drive over a cone and learn nothing,
but at the Autoverse…
Oh!
…when you make a mistake, you live
the beautifully-performed consequences.
-Oh!
-Oh no!
He was a doctor
and one day away from curing cancer!
Reckless driving didn't just kill him.
It killed millions.
Holy shit, this is so stupid.
Right? I knew you'd like it.
Now, let's hear it for your mayor, me!
Thank you, me!
-And now I welcome thee…
-…into the Autoverse!
-That's it, baby! Ha ha!
-Whoo! Let's go!
Since time immemorial,
man has sought
to harness the dark secrets of magic
to best his greatest enemy.
Animals!
-Oh, yeah! This is what we came for!
-Whoo! That's right!
Ladies and gentlemen,
happy 30th anniversary
to Magicians vs. Animals.
Ha ha!
Back, beast!
Magic!
To celebrate,
we've got a few
of cinema's famous magicians here
to help out.
Here comes Harry Potter, Gandalf,
and Bernie Madoff, the Wizard of Lies!
-Expelliarmus!
-You shall not pass!
Ponzi scheme!
Perfection!
Here are your characters.
Glem, from now on,
you're John David Pressman.
You're 47, have a wife, two children.
You recently moved to our small town
from the big city,
and you're learning to drive
for the first time.
Yeah. Got it. I
You've taken to drinking
in the tavern most nights,
and you're just so full
of this useless anger.
You pick fights with stevedores
that you have no intention of winning.
Good for nothin' longshoremen.
Can only talk with their fists.
Cool! Who am I?
You're Milkman Joe.
You recently got
kicked in the head by a horse,
and now you have to relearn
how to drive, cook, everything.
Even going to the bathroom?
Especially going to the bathroom.
And now, without further ado…
Places, everyone!
Places, you hacks!
Welcome
to the Autoverse!
Ah! Now this is an office
to steal documents from.
So atmospheric!
I think they keep the forms
in that filing cabinet.
All right, but I wanna savor this.
Uh, like, look at this messy desk.
Pistol, a pint of whiskey.
Sheila, I think I found your finger.
And ooh, what's this?
Invoices for the sale of meat
to somewhere called Delicious Restaurant?
Weird name, but also, maybe delicious.
Sounds legit.
Told you the meat thing's a dead end.
Meanwhile, Sheil-pen do us!
Insurance fraud city.
Medical invoices all approved
by a Gilbert Boarshead?
That must be their guy on the inside.
Dope work, queen. Nope, sorry.
Hold it!
There are alleys in Vegas?
You go right, I'll go left.
We'll meet back at the office.
How much does he know?
Excuse me, sir.
The post office is about to close,
and I need to mail my mother
this box of medicine.
Can you please
parallel park my car for me?
Oh, I see. Uh, no problem, good citizen.
And you, young lady,
someone has kidnapped my infant son
and said they'll kill him
if you don't take
this multiple-choice driving test.
Ah. Incredible writing.
The trick of parallel parking
is to first close one eye and then…
Oh shit! One second.
I… I just gotta… Oh!
Ugh! I don't know any of this!
Runaway truck zone?
What are you running away from, trucks?
Gah!
Uh… Hey, my mother doesn't need
the medicine that badly.
Maybe we could all discuss
the fundamentals
of a textbook three-point
Shut up! I don't need you people!
Irene, let's blow this no-horse town.
-But fog lights! Ten and two!
-Shut up, NPC!
Glem, I got the medicine.
Let's go trade it for weapons, eh?
-Woo-hoo!
-Whoo! Let's go!
Hey!
-Hell, yeah, baby! Whoo!
-Whoa!
Here we are
at the address of Gilbert Boarshead.
Pizza party ♪
If you're here to kill me, guess what?
I've already swallowed poison, moron.
What? No! We… we just wanna
ask you a couple questions.
Oh! Oh. Come on in.
Let me guess, you're going after
Magicians vs. Animals.
You're making a powerful enemy.
Yeah? Well, I only have powerful enemies.
That was supposed to sound badass,
but I… I just made myself scared.
I knew this day would come.
Scam was too perfect.
Force magicians to fight exotic animals,
stitch them up on the cheap,
and pocket the insurance payouts.
So you were their inside man!
Which I get.
I've been inside a lot of men.
Look, Gilbert, you can help
bring this show down by testifying.
And I can personally
100% guarantee you full immunity.
-Sheila, we can't offer
-Deal, but I need protection.
If anything happens to me,
your case is dead. Dead!
No! Our case!
And this man's life, of course.
Looks like your case is as dead as me,
a guy who is dying.
Uh, Lincoln, we've got a problem.
Oh yeah, I was heatin' up
a Lean Cuisine on a hot plate.
Oh no! My last words!
We gotta go!
One slice, two slice, pizza can't be… ♪
Okay, we've robbed the fake bank,
broken up five fake families,
and won the fake Super Bowl.
Man, this is an intricate driving school.
Yeah! I wanna see if I can get someone
to enter a murder-suicide pact.
Hello, new citizens.
I've heard you've really been making
a name for yourselves in our little town.
Um, might I ask, what do you do
when you see this sign?
And, I remind you, your time in this town
legally counts as your DMV requirement
-This is governmental harassment!
-Yeah.
Hey, everyone!
Your mayor is a freakin' Gestapo-man
trying to make us talk
about driving all the time.
Yeah!
I'm gonna say what we're all thinkin'.
I should run this town.
All hail John David Pressman!
-What do we do here?
-Do not break character.
Make a motivated choice.
As a failed dancer with authority issues,
I say we overthrow the mayor?
Take him away, Sheriff Milkman Joe!
No!
You'll all regret this!
You're all committing so excellently.
I am so proud of you.
Let the wild rumpus begin!
Okay, don't panic.
I mean, sure, our only witness
was just murdered in front of us,
but maybe the insurance documents alone
are enough to take these bastards down.
Shit, the documents!
I knew I forgot somethin'.
You left our evidence
in the burning trailer?
It wasn't burning yet!
I know the rules of fire, Lincoln.
I use it every day.
I guess this is it.
Not necessarily.
I still have the receipts
for the leftover animal meat.
What? You kept those?
I'm telling you, Lincoln,
this meat thing is a dead end.
And I know about meaty ends.
I've been inside a lot of men.
But look, every week, they sell
the exact same quantity of gorilla meat.
Are you telling me they kill
the exact same weight
in animal meat every week?
To the ounce?
Maybe! Carnito works in mysterious ways.
It's the only lead we have left, Sheila.
Are you with me on this case or not?
Of course I am.
Then drive!
To 739 Baba Booey-vard
in the Cornholio District.
-God, is everything in this town dumb?
-Bite your tongue!
Staff Sergeant Byron Cornholio died
defending your freedom!
Look how empty it is
around here.
I mean, this place is obviously a front.
Stop just sayin' things
you heard on The Wire.
Sheeee…
…eeeit.
What the hell? It's completely empty.
Is that… music?
Lincoln, seriously.
I have a really bad feeling
about what will happen if we go in…
Woof. Oink. Tweet, tweet.
The sound of a skunk.
Samson, you're alive?
Sheila, I… uh…
Why did you hit me?
And why do I feel like my brain is doing…
Uh, problem?
'Cause you're concussed.
And your brain is bleeding.
'Cause you couldn't leave it alone.
Hey, wait! The gorilla, Sam… ilton.
He was doing spaghetti
instead of graveyard. Why?
Because no one's killin' the animals.
They live better than you and me!
Delicious Restaurant was just a cover
for meat law.
So Magicians vs. Ambinals is…
Fake! It's all fake.
The greatest trick in Vegas.
And if people find out
the show wasn't really killin' animals,
it'll all come crashin' down.
So when they found out
you were pokin' around,
they tapped me to lead you
down the wrong path.
I invented a whole fake insurance scam
because I knew a conspiracy like that
was pure Lincoln bait.
Like a picture of Emily Blunt
playing Settlers of Catan.
That game's fun,
and she has a stern beauty.
I hired Lunchmeat to play the heavy
that chased us out of the office.
And to play the Gilbert Boarshead,
I hired…
Also Lunchmeat.
He's very affordable.
Then I faked his death
and destroyed the fake evidence.
And you named him Gilbert Boarshead
'cause that's a Lunchmeat word!
No, it's because Gilbert Boarshead
is an anagram of bighearted labors,
and I did this bighearted labor
to protect the show I love.
But we're, uh… business friends.
You mean partners.
Partners listen when one of them says,
"Hey, man, leave this alone.
Just trust me."
No one would've got hurt,
and a bunch of endangered animals
could keep eatin'
their $50 a plate spaghetti lunches.
Now I gotta kidnap your dumb,
precocious Harriet-the-Spy ass
until this trial's over.
-Fifty dollars? For pasta?
-That's what you're shocked by?
Well, Skee-Lo,
a partner could've just told me
about the gorillas and restaurants
and I would've dropped the whole thing.
But instead, you did it secret.
Seems like you're still more
of a magic guy than my fellow law-sketeer.
I may be concussion, but I know that much,
and I know one other thing.
-Oh!
-Ha!
-Even with blood brain, I'm the smart one!
-Pizza party… ♪
I'm gonna tell everyone the truth
and kill your dumb animal show,
and also, up yours!
Pizza party, good times… ♪
I don't know which way to go,
but still, up yours!
Pizza! That's the name… ♪
Your mayor will hear your complaints… now.
Lord John David Pressman,
we are so hungry.
Might we please venture
out of the town for food?
If we should arrive
at a four-way intersection
Next person who tries
to teach me about driving
spends an hour in the car of bees.
Please, no!
There's bees in there, and they sting you.
Yeah, well, then anger not
the mighty John David Pressman
lest you end up like your former mayor.
A hey, nonny nonny
And a nonny nonny hey ♪
Oh, what a fool I am this day ♪
Enough! Begone, all of you.
I must confer with my sheriff,
Milkman Joe.
Your Excellency, so here's the deal.
My secret milkman police
are rounding up dissidents
and reeducating them
to take left turns without signaling.
Get 'em, Milkman Joe!
But I wanna go bigger.
I think we can conscript the whole town
into an army
and expand our kingdom into
the Meow Wolf art experience next door.
I'm gonna take me
an Oberlin grad for a war husband.
Let's see how keen
their sense of whimsy is
after building me a pyramid to die in.
He-he! Man, I'm so glad I came here
with you and not a normal adult.
Come on! Let me show you
the catapult I'm building.
Ah, come on! Oh…
Damn it. How do I…
How do I freaking do this?
Irene, we gotta stop.
-What?
-Look, this ain't healthy.
You're growin' up,
and that means doin' stuff
that doesn't come easy right away.
I… I'm gettin' old, which means stuff
that was easy isn't anymore.
I mean, we've been doin'
Autoverse shenanigans to avoid facing it.
We gotta knuckle down,
get our driver's licenses, okay?
Can we still deploy an army of milkmen
to destroy an art collective?
Of course! I'm not Hitler!
Magicians vs. Animals!
Hey, there's Sheila
rehearsing with Rodney, Screamy,
and some ants we call "Da Boyz."
Say hi, Sheila.
All right, guys.
Tonight we try Sheila's new car-drop kill.
It's risky, but I believe in you all.
Sheila's car drop was a hit.
She'll be gunning for your job soon.
Yeah, sure.
Sheila has her place,
and it ain't runnin' the show.
We'll use her up, and she'll move on,
just like all the other Sheilas.
You gotta believe me.
It's all fake.
The animals love it.
The gorilla gets spaghetti,
and Boarshead is Lunchmeat.
Your Honor, my lawyer is…
I don't know, dying?
I'm gonna allow this,
but watch yourself, Mr. Gumb.
My daughter's stupid recital
only lasts another 30 minutes,
and then I might not be so patient.
The big shadow man's head was fake,
and he chase me. He chase me bad.
Sheila Flambé, Mr. Gumb's partner,
and I have some evidence to introduce.
Sheila, don't do this. You're a magician.
I'm a law-sketeer!
Your Honor, I don't know
what this evidence is
or why the light bulbs are screaming,
but I trust her.
Whatever this is, it's important.
Plus, it's got animals wearing clothes.
Like people? Overruled!
This is the truth about what goes on
at Magicians vs. Animals.
They're nice to the animals?
I wanna die!
We're ruined!
Well, Mr. Gumb, you accused the defendants
of violating meat law,
one of our most sacred institutions.
Then, instead of making your case,
you prove that no animals
are being harmed,
no meat is being wasted,
and possibly,
gorillas are being fed spaghetti.
I dismiss this case
and find Mr. Gumb in contempt
for wasting the court's time.
One weekend in the bee car!
Where am I going? Somewhere good?
Sheila Flambé,
you've made a very dangerous enemy.
Nuh-uh.
-You only know how to fake-kill things.
-Come on!
The Great Bargatze has his place,
and it ain't runnin' a show.
What? Are you referencing something
I said in the past?
I don't remember
everything I've ever said.
Up yours!
Yeah, up yours!
Hi, Sheila. Sorry about the face sand.
I'm glad we're still business friends.
I'll come pick you up on Monday!
So, you, you get what you want?
Well, you destroyed a show
that was pampering its animals,
and now I heard they're just gonna
dump them on the street.
Uh-huh, but you wanted the show killed,
and you got it,
so that'll be $20,000.
Make the check out to Gumb and Flambé.
Mr. Mayor, I believe this belongs to you.
If you'll allow us,
Milkman Joe and I would like
to stay in your town
and learn to drive safely and responsibly.
You're both banned for life,
and I called the cops 90 minutes ago.
You fool! My loyal Milkman cops
would never betray me.
His fist smells
like punched drywall!
-He's a real cop! Run!
-Gah!
Okay. Ease off the clutch
and start to press the accelerator.
Great, now start driving directly towards
the barricade of actors
trying to block us in.
Yeah, they'll move.
Good. Now, straight through the fence
into the desert.
The cops will be looking on the road.
Oh, don't forget your seat belt!
Having fun ♪
Pizza party ♪
Good times… ♪
Starts with a sauce the color of blood ♪
They laid down their lives
To protect and serve us ♪
That dough, kneaded and proved
Like they proved their love ♪
For the red, white and blue
Patriots never forget ♪
The cost of our freedom
Was paid with death ♪
Now I'm free to party
Havin' fun with my friends ♪
Gimme ooey-gooey cheesy
Pizza party till the end ♪
Having fun ♪
Pizza party ♪
-Good times ♪
-Party, good times ♪
Good times ♪
Having fun ♪
Pizza party ♪
Party, party ♪
-Good times ♪
-Good times ♪
Don't want a hamburger ♪
Or a bunch of fries ♪
When I'm hanging with my buddies
All I want is that pizza pie ♪
Don't want nachos ♪
Or a nacho cheese ♪
If I'm hanging… ♪
Chirp.