Stuart Fails to Save the Universe (2026) s01e05 Episode Script

1
- (ANIMALS HOOTING IN DISTANCE)
- CHANA: You speak our words?
Yes. We speak your words.
SIMPA: Where is your village?
(MYSTERIOUS INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Uh Pasadena?
- P-- Pasadena.
- Pasadena.
Just east of Glendale?
- Glendale. Glendale.
- Glendale.
Yeah, just north of the 134.
What the hell are we doing here?
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
- Would you like to come back
to our village?
We have food and places to rest.
Water to bathe in,
companions to sleep with.
Hang on. Question.
(WITH RHOTACISM)
When you say "sweep with,"
- do you mean sex?
- Of course.
- (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- Daddy's home.
- What's the catch?
- Catch?
Uh, what do you want in return?
Just the pleasure of knowing
we met your needs.
Follow-up question.
What if some of the needs
are a wittle unusual?
(WHISPERS) Shush!
We'd be honored
to accept your hospitality.
Our village isn't far.
Walk with us.
(ANIMALS HOOTING IN DISTANCE)
(GRUNTS) So far,
this is my favorite universe.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(THEME SONG PLAYING) ♪
Stuart tries
To reset our lives ♪
But he fails
To save the universe ♪
He's our only chance
And he tries and he tries ♪
But he fails
To save the universe ♪
- Stuart tries ♪
- He tries ♪
- But he fails, fails ♪
- Fails, fails ♪
Stuart fails ♪
(THEME SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- (LIGHT PERCUSSION MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Hey, is it weird
that a primitive tribe
with no contact
with the outside world,
no technology, speaks English?
Maybe we're speaking
their language.
Well, if that's the case,
how can I say
the word "helicopter"?
They obviously
don't have helicopters.
We say "unicorn,"
but we don't have unicorns.
I don't want
to talk about this anymore.
(INSECTS CHIRPING)
You are beautiful to look at.
Me?
Has no one
ever told you this before?
My mom.
But she said
it was an inner beauty.
Would you like
to share my bed tonight?
(CHOKES, COUGHS)
Yes, please. (INHALES DEEPLY)
- Thank you.
- (QUIRKY PERCUSSION MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Mm. Everything's so fresh.
It's like living
in the produce section
- of Whole Foods.
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)
- Should we be concerned?
- (TENSE MUSIC OVERLAPPING) ♪
Maybe.
Probably.
- (INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (GROANS) Sowwy.
- My dogs are barking.
- Mm.
What are you doing?
These are good.
I will wear them.
Like hell you will.
They're mine.
- "Mine"? What is "mine"?
- They belong to me.
I went to Foot Wocker
and waited an hour
for the idiot kid
to find my size. Mine.
- Mine.
- No, you say "yours."
- Yours.
- Thank you. Mine.
Mine.
- Yours.
- Thank you. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, look, Kripke made a friend.
BARRY KRIPKE: What are you
gonna do with one shoe?
- No, no. Both mine. Both--
- MANU: Both mine.
- BARRY: Both mine.
- MANU: Both mine?
(ETHEREAL FLUTE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(SIGHS)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
- Morning.
- It's so beautiful here.
- Peaceful.
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
Glad you like it,
'cause we ain't going anywhere.
- You couldn't fix the machine?
- Me? Fix it? No.
I come from a long line
of people who call a guy.
- So what are we supposed to do?
- I don't know.
Look for a hut in a neighborhood
with good schools?
Oh, God.
I forgot about our kids.
It's okay. Don't worry about it.
They-- They-- They weren't real.
They were projections
from a malevolent force
keeping us enslaved
in a false reality.
- Yeah, but they were ours.
- Yeah.
So, we're really stuck here?
- Well, hang on.
- (INTRIGUING PERCUSSION MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Someone's been sending me messages.
Maybe they'll tell us
how to fix the machine.
But there's no technology here.
How do you send a message?
Primitive cultures had
lots of ways to communicate.
Drums, smoke signals
- a third thing.
- (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Did you enjoy
our sex last night?
(CHUCKLES) It was great.
Also, I love you.
- Then I love you.
- (PLAYFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Chana, would you like
to share my bed tonight?
Sure.
What the fuck?
- Um, question.
- Yes?
I don't want to come off clingy
or anything,
but I thought you and I
had something special together.
We do.
Then why are you gonna be
with that guy tonight?
- He asked.
- Oh, I don't like that.
Why?
Well, we do things differently
where I come from.
- Pasadena?
- BERT KIBBLER: Yeah.
When a man
and a woman love each other,
they're monogamous.
What is "monogamous"?
They only have sex
with one another.
And everyone
in Pasadena does this?
Well, I can't speak
for everyone, but a lot of them.
Definitely more than
in Beverly Hills.
And monogamous makes them happy?
I know it would make me happy.
I do want that.
I will think
about your monogamous.
Thanks.
- I have a girlfriend.
- (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (GROANS, SIGHS HEAVILY)
- Thank you.
- Oh, you're very welcome. Mm.
(GIGGLES) So happy.
Oh. We aim to pwease.
Hey. (CHUCKLES)
- Nice work in there.
- You too.
And you (CHUCKLES)
You are getting a
a hand-written thank-you note.
Come on. (GRUNTS)
I could kill
for a protein shake. (SIGHS)
(MUSIC CONCLUSION) ♪
But if there
are infinite universes,
maybe there's one where
the English language evolved
entirely on its own.
Without an England?
- (FLIES BUZZING)
- Excuse me.
- Yes?
- Is that shit?
Yes. Bear.
DENISE: Mm-hmm.
You want to take
a crack at this?
Why?
Don't people in Pasadena
look for signs and omens
in animal droppings?
There's probably someone.
Wait, you find messages
in bear shit?
Oh, yes.
When will the rains come?
Will our women be fertile?
- Of course.
- (PLAYFUL PERCUSSION MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Primitive cultures,
signs in and animal droppings.
- Mind if I jump in?
- What are you doing?
If we're gonna receive a message
in this universe,
maybe this is how.
- In shit?
- I don't make the rules, Denise.
Now, you wanna help me,
or you wanna stand there
looking disgusted?
Oh, disgusted, no question.
- (SIGHS)
- (QUIRKY PERCUSSION MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(GAGS)
(GAGGING)
(MOANS)
(GAGS, GROANS)
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
- BARRY: So, for example,
I have cwaimed this bowl
because I don't want your germs,
which means this bowl is mine.
My bowl.
All the bowls are the same.
How do we know?
Ah, good question.
Wook here on the bottom.
I have put my mark.
Now, I know you're
all charmingwy iwiterate
but this is a wetter,
the wetter "K,"
as in "keep your hands off
Kwipke's bowl."
- Yeah?
- Isn't it better if we all share everything?
Maybe if you're
a pinko communist
(CHUCKLING) but I don't have
to tell you how that worked out.
How did that work out?
- (HESITATES)
- (VILLAGERS MURMURING)
This is my bowl,
don't touch my bowl.
- (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (GAGS)
Looks like nothing for me today.
- Good luck.
- (MUSIC FALLS) ♪
(QUIRKY MUSIC RESUMES) ♪
- That's probably not coming out.
- Are we done?
- (FLIES BUZZING)
- (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- Hang on.
- (SQUELCHING)
Come here, look at this.
- No.
- You need to see this.
- Oh, wow. "Use red quartz."
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC RISES) ♪
But where
are we gonna find that?
No idea.
Maybe in rabbit shit?
(QUIRKY PERCUSSION MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Hmm?
- (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- (BIRDS CHIRPING)
- What are you doing?
- Mine.
- What's that mean?
- It means it belongs to me.
But that's not our way.
We-- We share bowls.
We We share everything.
Maybe if you're a commie
or a sociawist.
- (PENSIVE PERCUSSION MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (ROCK SCRATCHING)
(DRAMATIC BIRD CALL)
- (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- (SIGHS)
Why are you crying?
I'm just not used
to being happy.
Chana?
- Oh, hi, Simpa.
- (PLAYFUL PERCUSSION MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Not a good time, dude.
You did not come to the hut
for lovemaking last night.
Oh, yes. I am monogamous now.
What is "monogamous"?
I only have lovemaking
with Bert.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, she does.
I do not like monogamous.
It's got its pros and cons,
but can we talk about it later?
I do not like it. At all.
Now that we've made love,
shall I prepare you
a wonderful meal?
Wow. You really get me.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Oh. Do you guys
have French toast?
Now, by giving me these melons,
you've established
what is called cwedit,
which you can weverage
for future purchases.
Why not share
the melons with everyone?
Think it through.
If you do that,
how does anyone get wich?
- I have a question.
- Yeah, what's up, chief?
- (DRAMATIC DRUMBEAT) ♪
- Tell me about monogamous.
(GROANS)
That's a wittle complicated.
Um
- Ah!
- (INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Let's say you're fishing
on a wake,
and after a very wong time,
you finally catch
a small blue fish.
You take it home,
you cook it, you eat it.
It's dewicious.
So you decide
you're only gonna eat
that same stupid fish
for the west of your wife,
even if another fish gives you
her phone number.
What if you want
to be with someone,
but they're doing monogamous
with someone else?
Been there. Three choices.
You can get over her,
twicky without porn.
You can convince her
to cheat on the other guy,
but for that, you weawy need
a car with tinted windows.
And finawy,
you figure out a way
to get wid of the other guy.
Like send him on a journey?
Yeah, or maybe he, uh,
- falls off a cwiff.
- (DRAMATIC DRUMS PLAY) ♪
Happens.
- (DRAMATIC DRUMBEAT) ♪
- (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(BIRDS CALLING)
Where are we gonna
find red quartz?
No idea.
Luckily, we know a geologist.
Oh, right, Bert.
You gonna tell him you pawed
through bear shit to find a message?
- Nope.
- Can I?
Nope.
(SERENE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(CHUCKLES)
Hey, there.
- Top of the morning to you.
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
STUART BLOOM: Oh, good.
Bert, I figured out
how to get us out of here.
What about,
"Nice to see you, Bert"?
- "What's going on, Bert?"
- All right, what's going on?
- I'm getting married.
- What?
Yeah, I asked Chana to marry me.
She said yes.
Does she even know
what marriage is?
- No, and don't you tell her.
- (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Bert (SIGHS) I need
to ask you a geology question.
Is it how many times
can a geologist have sex
in a 24-hour period?
'Cause the answer's two.
No, it's where do
we find red quartz?
Why?
To fix the machine.
I got a message.
- Oh, tell him how you got it.
- Stop it.
- That's red quartz.
- Great, thanks.
Two times. Good for you.
Hey, uh
can I have that necklace?
No. Mine.
What happened
to share everything?
Mine. We're not commies.
- (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- Kripke.
I suppose
it's technically possible
for a society to develop Engwish
as a wanguage
without an Engwand,
but it seems unwikewy.
- That's what I said.
- Guys!
Of course, we could be speaking
their wanguage and not know it.
- I said that too.
- Listen to me!
- Ooh, not so wough on the tushy.
- Sorry.
I've been
through the whole village.
There's one piece of red quartz,
and Gavel won't give it up.
Ah, I'm not surprised.
He's also a very selfish wover.
(QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Kripke, without that red quartz,
we're never getting out of here.
Oh, tell him
where you got the message.
- Would you please?
- Why don't you just steaw it?
You see the size of that guy?
So what? These people don't hit.
They don't fight.
It's like you had a TV show
called Land of the Pussies.
You're horrible.
You know what I say
to that, Denise?
I say
- (BUBBLING FART)
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
Was that cwear enough,
or should I wepeat myself?
(INSECTS CHIRPING)
I think he's asleep.
You think he's asleep
or he's asleep?
He's asleep.
I think.
What if we just stay
in this universe?
Do you like the outdoor toilets?
(GROANS)
(SUSPENSEFUL PERCUSSION MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Mm. (EXHALES)
(GRUNTS SOFTLY)
(GAVEL MOANS SOFTLY)
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(GASPS) What took you so long?
I don't want to talk about it.
Mine.
- Now what?
- I don't know.
Maybe your pile of shit
has a plan B.
- (QUIRKY DRUM STING) ♪
- Oh, good, Bert.
We need to find another piece
of red quartz.
- Hold that thought.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Stuart Bloom,
will you be my best man?
And Denise,
we would be so honored
if you would perform
the ceremony.
I would love to.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Honey, sidebar.
I'm so happy
for you guys. (CHUCKLES)
(QUIRKY PERCUSSION MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- What are you doing?
- Oh, it's okay.
I'm a certified minister
of the Universal Life Church.
Which doesn't exist
in this universe
and is bullshit
in the one it does.
Well, fine. You walk over there
and tell your best friend
that he's not entitled
to a little bit of happiness.
(QUIRKY MUSICAL STING) ♪
- Ah, damn it.
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
Bert, I'd be very happy
to be your best man.
You don't look happy.
What do you want from me?
I ran out of Lexapro.
- (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- My bowl! It's mine!
- (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- That's weird.
(SERENE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (WHISPERS) Now.
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
(SIGHS)
(SINGING FLATLY)
We've only just begun ♪
To live ♪
White lace and promises ♪
A kiss for luck
And we're on our way ♪
(MOUTHING) Thank you.
Before the rising sun ♪
We fly
So many roads to choose ♪
We start off walking
And learn to run ♪
- Sharing horizons ♪
- That's good, thank you.
Sure.
Oh. Oh, my God,
I'm trying not to cry.
Bert, Chana,
you are about to embark
on an amazing adventure.
You're gonna set sail
in a boat made of love.
(SIGHS)
And how do we make
that boat seaworthy?
We build a hull of trust,
a mast of compromise,
and to it we attach
a sail made of dreams.
We get it, a boat.
I don't know about you guys,
but weddings make me horny.
Now, before we unite this man
and woman in holy matrimony,
does anyone object?
SIMPA: I do!
- I-- I do!
- (VILLAGERS MURMURING)
(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- Monogamy is wrong!
- (VILLAGERS MURMURING)
(MUSIC TURNS INSPIRING) ♪
We are not meant to possess
each other, or-- or shoes,
- or clothes, or bowls.
- (MUSIC RISES) ♪
- My bowl?
- No, no.
- It is everyone's bowl.
- (VILLAGERS GASPING, MURMURING)
No, my bowl.
- (GROANS)
- (VILLAGERS GASPING)
- (SCREAMS)
- (VILLAGER GRUNTS)
("WE'VE ONLY JUST BEGUN"
BY THE CARPENTERS PLAYING) ♪
- We've only just begun ♪
- (VILLAGERS SHOUTING, GRUNTING)
To live ♪
- (SCREAMS)
- We start out walking ♪
(CHUCKLES) Oh!
What got into
these guys? (GROANS)
(VILLAGERS SHOUTING, GRUNTING)
We've just begun ♪
This is not the wedding
I dreamed of.
Sharing horizons
That are new to us ♪
Watching the signs
Along the way ♪
Talkin' it over
Just the two of us ♪
Workin' together day to day ♪
Together ♪
And yes, we've just begun ♪
- Mine.
- Huh?
- (YELPS)
- No, wait. Come back! No! No!
Forget it, Bert.
It's Chana-Town.
Get it?
Talkin' it over ♪
- Just the two of us ♪
- (DEVICE WHIRRING, BEEPING)
- Workin' together day to day ♪
- (VILLAGERS SHOUTING, GRUNTING)
(SONG STOPS ABRUPTLY) ♪
- (WHOOSHING WARBLE)
- (ECHOING SCREAMS)
- (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- (PORTAL WARBLES)
Oh, man.
- Sorry, Bert.
- Yeah, sorry.
I was happy there.
- It was paradise.
- Yeah.
So is Pasadena,
during the week
when Old Town isn't crowded.
I'm just gonna ask it
one more time.
How were those people
speaking Engwish?
Better question, are we finally
in a normal universe?
BARRY: Eh, sure looks like it.
(MYSTERIOUS INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING) ♪
Seems normal to me.
(MUNCHING)
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(THEME SONG PLAYING) ♪
(CHOIR VOCALIZING) ♪
(THEME SONG CONCLUDES) ♪