Teachers (2001) s01e05 Episode Script

- Bastard!
- It's supper.
I'll have 'em later.
Don't go leaving crumbs down
the sofa again - I sleep there.
Yes, mum.
I had a pizza slice
in my face this morning.
I was looking for that. Did you save it?
See what I put up with? They're animals.
It's worse for us.
We have to listen to you shaggin'.
Mm.
It's all you've got to look forward to.
That's true.
Why don't you move in with Maggie?
That's a bit drastic, isn't it?
Reading magazines and counting
sheep to pass the time
And we're hoping that tomorrow's
Gonna bring a smile back home again
Images of palm trees
swaying in the wind on South Beach
Takes me back to better days
Summer rays, the Everglades in June
In my brain ♪
(Brakes squeal)
Morning.
Do you have to be so cheerful
on a Monday morning?
- It's unhealthy.
- Sorry, I wasn't thinking.
The thing you mentioned last night
Shit! I've got to go
and see Clare at half past.
(Sighs) Sorry?
- I'm thinking of moving in with Maggie.
- Great! Do it.
I'm only thinking about it.
It's not something you just rush into.
Do you know what I mean?
- Morning!
- Morning, Jenny.
See, I can be mature.
I can be friends with Jenny,
I can think about moving in
with Maggie. It's no big deal.
Good.
Now maybe you'll stop following me
round and asking for advice.
Yeah.
Drinking myself to sleep
Insomnia ♪
- It just kicked!
- Did it?
- Have a go, sir, it's weird.
- Oh, go on, it won't bite.
- Can you feel it kicking?
- Yeah.
(Laughing)
- Where's Ian and Hayley?
- Dunno.
Back to your seats. Quietly.
Exams are in progress.
- Your turn tomorrow.
- We don't need reminding.
What exams?
The ones you'll do well in
to justify my existence.
Sir, can you give us a test? I'm worried
we haven't done enough revision.
(Chuckles) Nice one, nice one.
No, I really am worried. I hardly slept.
- Neither did I.
- Kept you up, did she? Aw
Does she take her truncheon
to bed when you're not there?
- Do you want to pass the exams?
- Yes, I do, sir.
Because you're all so keen
we'll go through exam technique.
(Jeremy) Brilliant!
(Simon) Don't do that,
it's disturbing.
Take your time.
Don't panic. Think first, don't rush into it.
You might make a mistake.
Then it'll be too late.
Don't burn your bridges -
look at your options,
it's all about making the right choice.
Is it multiple choice?
No, I'm talking about
how to make the right decision.
You don't have to be scared,
that test paper isn't the enemy.
Think of it as a friend.
- Are you pissed?
- (Laughter)
After that, should we make a list?
List?
To remind us of the main points.
A list.
- Brilliant!
- Don't encourage him.
No.
I've been making a list.
Weighing up the pros and cons
of moving in with Maggie.
Don't you think it's a good idea?
Ingenious.
This is what I've got so far.
Can you think of anything else?
- Isn't that your job?
- I'm stuck.
(Sighs) All right. OK
What are Maggie's best qualities?
She likes sex.
Got that.
Twice.
Yeah, but she really likes sex.
She's safe, reliable
You make her sound like a car.
I know where I am with her.
I can trust her. I don't feel
on edge when I'm with her.
- Right, move in with her.
- Right.
By the way,
don't tell Brian and Kurt - just in case.
- In case what?
- In case I don't move out.
I need a breakdown of
your absentees for this month.
Liz, name one good thing
about living with a partner.
Hm, I don't know. I'm married.
Carol, if you had to name one
No, that's OK,
I don't think you can help.
What's the best thing
about living with friends
as opposed to a partner?
I've never lived with my mates.
- But what if you did?
- We'd have a laugh, I suppose.
Do you think you'd get bored of them?
Probably. I get bored of everyone.
Mm.
(Bell)
(Grunting)
(All chattering)
- Man, that fucking
- Exams in progress, Toby!
(Giggling)
Should we start calling you Simone?
Sorry?
- Oh! I heard voices.
- From God?
(Laughs nervously) That's very good.
In there. Probably skivers.
I'll go. It's not a good idea,
a male teacher being seen
in the girls' loos.
(Sheep bleats)
They were in the cubicle,
enjoying themselves.
You should know you don't
come here to enjoy yourselves.
I'll leave them in your capable hands.
Really? Yeah, no problem, I'll sort it.
So you'd rather stay in a toilet
than come to my lesson?
- Yeah.
- At least try and lie!
- Sorry, Simon.
- Yeah, sorry.
Where d'you think you're going?
- Er, maths.
- Art.
Wrong! You're both coming
with me to see Mrs Gately.
Come on!
- You OK?
- Fantastic.
Good. I just caught Ian Potter
and Hayley Scott skiving.
Well, probably having sex, actually.
Lucky them.
Well, shouldn't you
do something about it?
Can't you deal with it?
Does the phrase, "Don't ever
give advice to a student again"
ring any bells?
Oh, right.
I'll see to it when I've finished
bathing in asses' milk, shall I?
It's going well then?
"Free period" is a euphemism
for working your tits off.
Oh, yeah, I'll, erm,
try and talk to them later.
Thanks.
I've been giving the Maggie thing some
thought and maybe now isn't the time.
Maybe later? Maybe not.
She'll see you later.
So work on your excuses.
Already have.
Hayley's grounded for two weeks.
School's the only place
we can see each other.
Must be tough. Well,
you'll just have to restrain yourselves.
- It's not gonna drop off.
- It's all right for you,
you can do it whenever you like.
Go on then, get on with it.
Go on then, back to your lessons.
It's almost equal on both sides.
Good.
"Doesn't pick her arse,
house-trained" Blah blah.
"Cons - no cigarettes,
bin Barb Wire video"
The pros outweigh the cons by one.
- "Regular" What's that?
- "Blow jobs."
When are you gonna give her
the bad news then?
Tonight, definitely.
(Maggie moaning)
I hope he changes the sheets, bastard.
It's like having a couple
of rabbits in your home.
(Tuts) Yeah.
(Moaning continues)
- (Slapping)
- (Maggie yells and giggles)
Hello, Maggie. I
I didn't know you were here.
I can hear the sea.
Was Kurt doing his glass trick?
Yeah, you could've warned me.
I was busy.
(Sighs) It's a pain in the ass
living here sometimes.
Maybe it's time I thought about
moving out? What d'you reckon?
It's up to you.
Hup!
- You doing anything Saturday?
- I might be. Why?
Work do, can't get out of it.
- Why would you want me there?
- A bit of moral support?
You're lovely, intelligent,
quite entertaining.
- Is that enough?
- It'll do for now.
But you will come, won't you?
Mmm. It'll be shit without you there.
I mean, it's gonna be shit anyway
but it'll be really shit without you.
You're really selling it to me, aren't you?
Why would I wanna meet
some fucking police people?
I knew you wouldn't let me down.
- I'm not doing it.
- Fine, don't.
Be there on Friday when I invite
Susan and Peter for dinner.
- You invited them round?
- No, but I will do.
- That's blackmail!
- I know.
All right, just this once, but never again.
Mmm
Promise. Till the next time.
(Laughing) It was a joke!
..such an unusual story
Of a man who did breathe in
But never did breathe out
This tale reminds me of you
Though a different shade of blue ♪
Kurt, stop spying, Maggie's left.
This is not how to live
You gotta breathe in and out
You gotta spread a little love all around
Though I don't know this for sure
Just another knock at my door
A sprinkling of an inkling
underneath an apple tree
I'll tell you when I find out
And show you what it is to breathe out
A natural progression lesson
messin' up your mind
You gotta breathe in and out ♪
Any last bets
on Angie's breakdown? Susan?
- I give her till the end of the week.
- No, not yet. Fiver on next Tuesday.
She'll crack sooner.
I'll have a few quid on tomorrow.
Five quid says she doesn't last the day.
I'm feeling lucky.
- You got a minute?
- I haven't seen Ian and Hayley.
- Right. It's all gone wrong.
- What has?
The moving in with Maggie thing.
I was about to ask her
and she messed it up.
How?
She's trying to make me
be nice to policemen.
It's upset my list
and now I don't know what to do.
I'll end up living
with Brian and Kurt forever.
- Would you?
- She's dead.
Yeah.
- All set for this afternoon?
- (All groan)
That's it, be confident.
Any questions you've still got,
now's the time to ask.
I take it you don't need
any advice on the exams?
I don't think advice is one
of your strong points, Simon.
I'll see you two later.
Bad news, Angie's had to go home.
She could have waited
until tomorrow. I might join her.
We all would, given the chance.
Valium and Richard and Judy
has to be better than this.
- Maybe not.
- You have to sit in on mocks.
- I've got a lesson!
- Get Jenny to cover for you.
- But!
- Thanks.
(dEUS: Little Arithmetics)
Shit. Talk amongst yourselves
for a bit. Quietly!
Seen Jenny?
Right.
Get me down ♪
- (Exhales)
- Where's Angie?
Bad news, I'm afraid -
we owe Brian some money.
Jammy bastard.
We better put the little sods
out of their misery.
Right! Stop talking!
Talking, talking
Been talking about
Empty temptation ♪
- (All chattering)
- Quiet!
- I said quiet!
- (Chattering stops)
- Where's Simon?
- He disappeared.
(Students sing Twilight Zone theme)
Quiet!
I want you all
to get on with your revision.
(Shed Seven: Bully Boy)
You knocked me off my feet
And I fell face first on the concrete
I took ♪
"We had to be at the airport by 6:30.
"We were late
and when we was at the check-in"
- Were at the check-in.
- (Girl) Danny, you wanker!
Just a minute, Kelly.
I won't tell you lot again!
Get back in your seats!
There's no point shying
from fists that are flying
The boy is on his own ♪
Any more noise
and you're all on detention.
(Giggling)
I bet you thought I was paralysed
I took a blow to the chest ♪
Come on, out, the pair of you.
(Students cheering)
Quiet!
(Cheering and applause)
There's no point in hiding
the hate that you confide in
The pain that you call your own
There's no point shying
from fists that are flying
The boy is on his own ♪
"Hitler only had one ball."
And that's why he invaded Poland?
Yeah, it was to make up
for his emasculation.
Classic male defence mechanism.
Right.
There's no point in hiding
the hate that you confide in
The pain that you call your own
There's no point in shying
from fists that are flying
The boy is on his own
I'll fight you to the death
I'll fight you to the death ♪
Were you expecting company?
- Where the hell have you been?
- I had to sit in on the mocks.
I caught Ian and Hayley in here.
They left a little memento.
- (Simon) You mean?
- I'll spare you the details.
Oi! Oi!
Fuck 'em.
(Simon) Don't piss about, open the door.
No prizes for guessing
who's behind this.
Come on, Ian, a joke's a joke!
- Calm down.
- It's lunchtime - we'll be stuck for ages!
I'll be spared the delights
of playground duty.
- Ian, let us out!
- Are you panicking?
- No, no, I'm fine.
- Sure?
Absolutely.
(Hyperventilating)
- Always been claustrophobic?
- I'm having a heart attack!
I haven't made a will.
- Just take long, deep breaths.
- OK.
Kurt and Brian can have my bike.
I'm sure they'll be touched.
Don't tell anyone.
The kids would use it against me.
- Yes, they would.
- You wouldn't?
- Depends.
- On what?
- How much you'll grovel to me.
- You're evil!
So you being nice to me was all an act?
No! I was being genuine.
I'm not a complete shit.
- Really?
- You think I am?
Be honest.
Yes. As well as being a hypocrite.
For fuck's sake, let me out of here!
They can't hear you.
We'll just have to wait.
OK, break it up! Come on!
Break it up now! Break it up!
Jamie and Dave, that's enough.
Outside my office, now.
And the rest of you
know where you should be!
- Have you seen Miss Page?
- No.
Anyone?
Great.
Do you know how to give
a heart massage?
No, but I'm quite good with feet.
- (Gasping)
- Take your tie off.
I can't do it.
Come on then, enlighten me -
why am I a hypocrite? And go easy.
You're insulting a dying man.
Because you're trying to be my friend
but you don't really want to be.
Probably because you can't.
- Why can't I?
- Because you fancy me.
You'd rather take verbal swipes at me
because that's easier.
Bollocks! Have you been
talking to Susan about me?
No. So you don't fancy me?
No. It's getting hotter in here.
- Sure about that?
- I need a doctor!
Psychiatrist, maybe -
and stop avoiding the question.
All right, maybe I do fancy you
but I fancy loads of women.
Doesn't mean I'm gonna
do anything about it.
Good. At least you've been honest.
(Footsteps)
Help! HELP!
Your turn. Truth.
Why have you started
to be nice to me lately?
- You started it.
- No, you did.
Covering for me
over coursework moderation,
coming down the pub
Smiling.
Truth?
OK.
Because I suppose I want to be liked.
- By me?
- Not just by you.
I thought it was time
I made the effort to fit in more.
I've finally woken up to the fact
that people have
the wrong impression of me.
Probably my fault.
So you're not the uptight
ice maiden you pretend to be?
And you're not the hypocritical shit
I thought you were.
Shit!
(Sighs)
I was supposed to supervise
the mocks in ten minutes.
Well
at least we know we can be honest
with each other now.
Yeah, at least you know
even though I fancy you
I'm never gonna do anything about it.
- Right.
- Yeah.
Is that because you don't want to
or you're scared to?
God, no I'm I'm not scared to.
You sure about that?
Absolutely.
Positively.
Definitely not.
Good.
Yeah, great.
No, l-l can't!
I don't know what I'm doing.
I'm sorry, I've got Maggie,
I I don't need to do this.
I'm very happy. No, I'm
really happy with her,
never been happier.
- I'm wildly happy.
- So you're happy then?
Help! Someone! Please!
In here!
- (Liz) Simon?
- Oh, thank Christ!
What are you doing in there?
I'm chronically shy (!) What the fuck
do you think I'm doing?! I'm locked in!
(Liz) All right, keep your knickers on!
I'll get the key.
Look
Jenny, maybe it's
- I'm sorry.
- I know.
Right. Erm
Maybe it's best we forget
this ever happened?
Already forgotten.
Fuck.
- Liz, you're a saviour!
- What's wrong with the bike sheds?
Oh, funny. Got to go. I'm late.
(Indistinct chatter on TV)
Is something missing?
No.
Our chicken's gone.
Oh, yeah.
Where's Simon?
His stuff's gone.
Bastard!
(Keys jingle)
- It's a present.
- It's lovely.
Much nicer than flowers.
I thought she'd
brighten the place up a bit.
I'm movin' in.
What?
Oh, Brian and Kurt have thrown you out.
No, it's just
I just thought it's about time
I grew up a bit.
I want us to be, you know
er, a proper couple.
Say something,
you're making me nervous.
OK, what about, what makes you think
you can turn up
out of the blue with a chicken
and announce you're moving in?
Lucky guess?
That goes tomorrow or I throw you out.
Spoilsport.
So this moving in thing
was all your own idea?
- Yep.
- No one talked you into it?
I have been known to think for myself.
When?
Stop asking difficult questions.
OK.
I found two kids
shagging in a cupboard today.
Who said romance was dead?
Although the lad said
he couldn't go all the way.
Bless him.
I mean, he, ahem, he didn't want to.
Well, he did but he decided not to.
Hm. Why not?
Well, he's seeing someone else.
Doesn't that show incredible maturity?
What? Shagging
in a cupboard's mature?
Yeah, but he did the decent thing.
Well, what does he want, a medal?
Thing is, he's worried that
the girl he was in the cupboard with
might feel rejected, hurt, you know?
Then he shouldn't have gone with her.
Do you have to be so moral?
- It's my job.
- You're off duty.
OK, he should have
shagged her senseless. Better?
Yeah.
(Laughs)
Now I'm here
you know what we should do?
We've just done it.
Apart from that.
We should have a flat-warming party.
- (Laughs) Genius!
- Yeah.
Have I missed anyone out
from your place?
Kurt, Brian, Susan, Jenny.
That's too many. They won't all fit in.
You haven't got that many friends.
I was just going to invite
Brian and Kurt - that's enough.
- How many do you want?
- Well, more than two.
Look, I'll tell you what
you invite your lot and I'll invite mine.
..and still be alive,
be as strong as ten tigers
Flying through the sky
Or be completely invisible
yet pleasing to the eye
Just nine wishes, or make it ten
So I can travel through time
and start all over again
I can travel through time
and start all over again ♪
- Give us our chicken back, you bastard.
- Was it something we said?
- I just felt like moving in with her.
- Isn't that nice?
Shut up or I won't invite you to our party.
- When?
- Tonight. But keep it quiet, yeah?
Simon's having
a house-warming tonight.
- He's moved in with Maggie.
- Any talent going?
- We are.
- Never mind.
Coming to Simon's flat-warming?
He's moved in with Maggie.
- I'll believe it when I see it.
- Can you bring any nice blokes?
- No.
- I thought you were married?
I am.
Any borderline Cs, let me know.
- And the other thing
- Sounds great.
- Are you OK?
- Fine, thanks.
- You're not annoyed?
- Should I be?
You two just can't keep away
from each other, can you?
- See you at the party.
- Yeah. What?
What I'm trying to say is
it was a heat of the moment thing,
- I didn't
- You don't need to explain.
I'm glad you're taking it so well,
I'm crap when it comes to being rejected.
You're confusing rejection
with embarrassment.
- That's what I meant.
- A momentary lapse in sanity
due to oxygen deprivation.
See you tonight,
I'll try and drag Peter along.
Great!
I haven't seen Ian and Hayley yet. Sorry.
We know you're busy.
We could do it, if you like?
Thanks.
And don't worry,
I won't come to your party.
Come if you want. I'd like you to.
I mean it's probably not
your kind of thing
but you're welcome
I'll think about it.
What you get up to
out of school isn't our concern
but here you have to act responsibly.
- We were gonna use a condom.
- That's not the point.
Exactly. The thing is you've got
to learn how to control yourselves.
Resist temptation.
But you know what men are like.
They can't control themselves.
Depends on the man, I suppose.
Some men can control themselves.
- Can they?
- Yes. It just takes
willpower.
See you later.
- You coming tonight?
- I don't think so.
You don't wanna be sat in on your own
like a complete sad case.
Have you ever thought about
working for the Samaritans?
No. Go on, it won't be
the same without you.
Maybe.
(The Longpigs: Jesus Christ)
Jesus Christ
I'm on fire when you smile
Jesus Christ
I retire
It's so easy ♪
I've got the horn.
(Both giggling)
We haven't got time -
they'll be here in a minute!
Go! Go.
- For God's sake, try and relax!
- Right.
(Stone Roses: Fools Gold)
- Jenny not coming then?
- Jenny? No idea.
- (Doorbell)
- Can you go?
Me?
Right.
- Susan, thank God.
- What?
I mean, come in. How's Peter?
- I've killed him.
- Right. I'll get you a drink.
They're tasty.
Mm, they're a couple.
I like a challenge.
- What can I get you?
- Vodka and tonic.
Good choice.
- What's the matter with you?
- Nothing.
Stop being weird.
You'll make my friends nervous.
I'm not being weird!
- Simon.
- Jenny, it's you.
Changed my mind.
Nothing on the telly anyway.
There's always cable.
If you'd rather I weren't here
Yeah, well No, no, come in.
Hi! It's Jenny, isn't it?
- Nice to meet you properly.
- Glad you made it.
Can I take your clothes c-coat?
Come and fill me in on
what a nightmare it must be
- working with my boyfriend.
- Thanks.
(The Chemical Brothers: Setting Sun)
(Music drowns voices)
- Everything all right?
- Fine!
I'm telling Maggie about Ian and Hayley.
You said you found them
in the cupboard but Jenny did.
Yeah, I was just embellishing.
Oh, right.
Well, can you get her a drink?
Er, sorry, can't.
So, you all right then?
- You've asked me that.
- Right. Excellent.
How's Peter?
He's fine. Apparently.
Anything else you want to ask me
and completely ignore?
It's a load of crap!
- What is?
- Whatever she told you about us. Me.
She's like that, isn't she?
Who?
- Jenny, always making stuff up.
- Is she?
- Yes!
- It's news to me.
It's probably just me
because she knows I don't like her.
Can't stand her. In fact I hate her.
That's not the impression she gave me.
- She's lying.
- She said you were nice to her.
Well, I was pretending.
So that means you're the liar, not her?
Yeah but I'm lovely with it.
Now you are lying.
Give us a go, Brian.
- Didn't know you did.
- There's a lot you don't know about me.
Go on, then. Tell us who you fancy.
I'm not pissed enough to fancy
anyone here. Get me another.
(Giggles)
So what do you actually do?
Is it like a bloke and a bird?
One lays there while
the other does all the work?
- Fuck off, Kurt.
- Right.
Just thought I'd ask.
(Yelling and cheering)
I'd have thought you'd have some bloke
tucked away somewhere.
Is that your best attempt at flattery?
- Yeah.
- I thought so.
Thanks, it was great.
- See you tomorrow.
- Yeah.
Tequila, it feels fine, con Tequila ♪
Is she about to do something
she'll regret?
What? Oh, probably.
(Laughs) Shouldn't we try and stop her?
Yeah. No, no, let 'em go.
I mean, it's none of our business
what they get up to.
Con tequila when the doors are opened
Con Tequila when they're calling time
And that's the curse of tequila
Oh-oh oh-oh
Oh oh
Give me tequila
Oh-oh-oh
Oh oh
Ooh
If there's a lot on your mind
It's there to help you forget
To relax and rewind
and leave behind the regret ♪
Skin up, mate.
Maybe later.
With the salt, lemon and lime
Salt, lemon and lime time
Tequila
Arriba, arriba, con tequila
It makes me happy
Ooh, con tequila
It feels fine
Con tequila when the doors are opened
Con tequila when they're calling time
Con tequila, it makes me happy
Oh, con tequila ♪
(Susan) Are you sure
you didn't imagine it?
- I'm telling you, it was her.
- Jenny and Brian.
I need another aspirin.
You saw what she was like last night.
A fiver says she doesn't turn up
and goes back to her usual anal self.
(Jenny) Morning!
Yes, we did spend the night together
and yes, it was very good
and no, we're not seeing each other.
You can continue gossiping
about us now.
- Coffee, Brian?
- Cheers.
Fiver.
- See? Brian can do it.
- Do what?
Be friendly to someone
when all he wants to do is jump them.
That's why he's being nice to her.
In case she changes her mind
about it being a one-off.
- Well, come on then.
- What?
Tell us what she was like
and don't spare any of the details -
starting with her arse.
Fantastic.
And?
Is that all we're getting?
- 'Fraid so.
- Bastard.
- (Bell)
- Everyone all right?
Thanks for a great night, Simon.
I mean it. Thanks.
Maggie's great.
- You're lucky to have her.
- And she's lucky to have me.
She was worried you were having
second thoughts about moving in.
I'm not. Best thing I've ever done.
- Do you mean that?
- Yeah.
I believe you because that's the first time
you haven't looked at my arse.
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
Oh, shit!
(Belle And Sebastian:
The Boy With The Arab Strap)