The Andy Griffith Show (1960) s01e05 Episode Script

( whistling sprightly tune)
Starring Andy Griffith
with Ronny Howard.
Also starring Eleanor
Donahue and Don Knotts.
Yeah, this ought
to do fine, Fred.
Much obliged.
Uncle Fred, where is the?
Oh, hello, Sheriff.
Now, my first name's Andy.
Andy.
How are you, Miss Ellie?
Someone not feeling
well at your house, Andy?
Oh, this ain't for the family.
It's for the church picnic
and dance Saturday.
A hot water bottle?
What's it going
to be filled with?
Oh, it ain't for nippin'.
It's one of the prizes.
Prize?
Yeah, you see, the
committee always tries
to fit the prize to the winner,
and seeing as how Jim Sommers
always wins the sack race
Jim Sommers?
Oh, Jim, he runs the
meat market down here,
and he's in and out
of that icebox all day.
Gets mighty cold in there.
Oh, I'm sure that ought to make
Mr. Sommers very happy.
Oh, now, it ain't for Jim.
It's for his wife.
It kind of thaws
him out at bedtime.
Oh.
Well, I wish I were going to
be there to congratulate her.
You mean you ain't
going to be at the dance?
That's right.
Uncle Fred, where's
the benzoate?
Bottom shelf, behind the ipecac.
Thanks. Nice
seeing you, Sheriff.
Uh, Andy.
( chuckles)
Now, why in the
world do you reckon
a fine-looking girl like that
ain't going to the dance?
Could be that
nobody ain't asked her.
They ain't?
Well, I'll be dogged, and
her as purty as a peach, too.
The boys ought to
be buzzing around her
like flies around a
spoonful of honey.
You ain't doing much
buzzing yourself, you know?
Huh? Oh, well, it's
different with me.
I mean, seeing as
how I'm sheriff and all.
You don't have to
give up being sheriff
to do a little buzzing
every once in a while.
Well, no. I I guess
it would be the friendly
thing to do, wouldn't it?
To buzz buzz a little?
I mean, she-she is new
in town and all, ain't she?
Yeah. I mean, it would
actually be more like
I was paying a neighborly call
than it would be
buzzing, wouldn't it?
Durn, if you didn't
talk me into it, Fred.
I'll just go back
there and ask her,
is what I'll do.
Ask her.
Uh, Miss Ellie?
Yes, Andy?
Oh, did, uh
did I hear you say something
about you wouldn't, uh, be
at the, uh, picnic Saturday?
That's right.
Oh.
Well, uh, uh, Miss-Miss Ellie
Yes?
Have, uh, have you got
something against picnics?
No.
Oh. Well, that's good.
( laughing)
Well, uh, uh, Miss Ellie
Yes, Andy?
Uh, supposing that
somebody was to ask you
to go to the picnic, you,
uh, you reckon you would?
I probably would.
W-w-well, uh
uh, seeing as how that
you ain't got nothing
against picnics,
and seeing as how you would go
was somebody to ask you,
and, uh, seeing as how
I'd be very happy
to go to the picnic
with you, Andy.
Well, how in the world
did you ever know
I was going to ask?
I began to, um
reckon as how you might.
How'd you ask her?
Oh, I just asked her is all.
Ain't no great shakes
to asking a girl
to go to the dance.
No?
Naw.
I just walked in
the drugstore there
and went in the back
room where she was
and figured out what
I was going to say
and walked right up to her.
I says, "Miss Ellie, how 'bout
me and you going to the dance?"
Just like that. Says,
"You goin' go or not?"
Well, what did she say?
Oh, you know how women are.
She blushed, turned,
twisted around a while.
And finally, she
says, uh she says,
"I'd be happy to go
to the dance with you."
Mmm, that's nice.
Yeah. Yeah, and we'll
have a pretty good time,
and it was the right thing
for me to do, too, I 'spect
Go over there and
take her to the dance,
and we'll dance around two
or three two-steps and a waltz
and then we'll set around
and drink punch a while.
She'll have a pretty good time.
She could do
she could do right smart
worse than me, you know.
Ooh, I know.
Yeah, boy.
I ain't too bad
to take, actually,
if I, if I get on a coat
and a nice sport shirt
and kind of put on a pair of
britches with a crease in 'em.
I'm sure.
( chuckling): Yes, sir.
I'll take a little water,
and I'll comb my
hair down real good,
and then I'll make a little
rabbit ridge right in there.
Put a little talcum around
my neck, yeah, and them girls,
they'll get up close, nudging
one another and giggling
Won't they, though?
Yeah, that's the reason she's
happy to go with me, yeah.
Way she said it was
the way she said it,
she said, she says, she says,
"I'd be happy to go to
the dance with you Andy.
Something about the
way that she said, "Andy"
that made it sound like she
was real happy to go with me.
Why, sure, she does.
Yeah, she she took me
right up on it when I asked her.
I I actually didn't
finish asking her.
She took me up on
it before I asked her.
You know, I just barely had
the words figured out
what I was going to say
'fore she said she'd go with me.
Now, I'm tryin' to figure
out somethin' here.
Did I ask her, or
did she ask me?
Andy, what are you doing?
Well, I'm doing some
studying is what I'm doing.
There's something
curious going on here.
Oh, come, now.
She accepted your invitation
because where else
is she going to find
such a fine, handsome,
upstanding young fella?
In the whole county?
That's right.
And how come she come
out of the back when she did
all clean and pretty and
sweet-smelling, huh?
How come? How come?
To talk to her uncle, you said.
No. 'Cause she heard my voice.
And how come she let me know
all smiling and friendly like
that she wasn't going
to be at the dance?
Well, you asked,
and she told you.
No. She knowed a fine, softhearted
fellow like myself would do
the decent thing and ask her.
You're the one who brought up
the subject of the dance.
She didn't.
No.
No, that's right,
she didn't, did she?
No, it was Fred.
Her kin.
Oh!
That's the way
they had it figured.
Yeah. I'd come in.
He'd bring up the subject.
She'd come out of the back.
I'd ask her was she
going to the dance.
She'd say no,
pitiful-like, and leave.
He'd whack away at
my natural soft heart.
I'd take the bait, and wham,
hooked like a starvin' catfish.
Oh, Aunt Bee, what
they got in mind for me
is as clear as the nose
on a warthog's face.
What?
Matrimony.
Oh, Andy.
That's right, Aunt Bee.
It just stands to reason.
Now, she gets me to
ask her to the dance
A simple, innocent
thing, you'd say.
But folks see us together.
"Howdy, Andy. Howdy, Ellie."
"Andy and Ellie,
Ellie and Andy."
Names kinda sound
alike, don't they?
Names kinda start
going together.
Well, pretty soon, somebody
wants to throw 'em a wing-ding.
They don't say,
"Let's ask Andy."
They say, "Let's
ask Andy and Ellie."
Pretty soon, it ain't only the
names that's going together,
it's the owners of the names.
And the first thing you know
W-W Y-Y-You see what kind
of a dance she trapped me into?
Not a legion dance,
not a chamber of commerce dance,
not a uplifters' dance.
A church dance.
Kind of gettin' me
used to the location.
Oh, Aunt Bee
this here is a pretty
conniving female.
Oh, Andy, she is not.
Hi, Aunt Bee.
Hi, Pa.
Ice cream right
before your dinner?
Now, why did you go and buy
an ice cream for now, Opie?
I didn't buy it, Aunt Bee.
It was gived to me.
Oh? Who gave it to you?
Miss Ellie at
Walker's Drugstore.
Opie, did you go in
and beg some ice
cream from that girl?
Gosh, no, Aunt Bee.
I was just standin'
there, sort of lookin' in
and she seed me, and she
said, "Oh, you're Sheriff Taylor's
little boy, ain't ya?"
And I says, "yup," and she says
how'd I like me some ice cream?
And I says, "I'd
like me some fine
only I ain't got me
no spending money."
And she says,
when's my birthday?
And I says, "I
wasn't rightly sure."
And she says, then
maybe to be on the safe side
she'd better give me my
present now, and she did.
And, boy, I like
her pretty fine.
That's it.
What is?
If I wasn't absolutely,
positively sure before,
I am now.
That ice cream ain't no present.
It's a down payment
on a husband.
Any female who'd bait a trap
with a man's own son
is a desperate,
determined hunter.
Ain't but one way
for the quarry to
outfox the hunter.
Just put her on the
scent of other game.
Let her go off somewhere
and gig some other frogs.
By dog, she was right, Pete.
You have got
the dangdest longest
eyelashes I ever did see.
She said that, Andy?
Right out her own mouth?
Well, now, she
didn't so much say it.
It was more the way
she was lookin' at you.
You know, that day you
come in the drugstore?
By golly, she was right.
Who? About what?
Franklin, did
anybody ever tell you
you got the cutest little nose?
Hello.
What can I do for you?
Howdy.
I am, uh I'm Pete Johnson.
I'm Ellie Walker.
I'm pleased to meet you.
I know.
Is there something
I can do for you?
Is there, uh
anything you'd like?
Would you mind reading
it for me, Miss Ellie?
My danged eyelashes
get in my way.
Hello.
Hello.
I'm, uh
I'm Franklin Pomeroy.
Well, I I'm Ellie Walker
and I'm pleased to meet you.
I'll bet.
I-Is there anything
you gentlemen
Howdy.
I'm Charlie Beasley.
I'm Ellie Walker.
It's nice knowing you.
Sure thing.
Is there, um anything at all?
What in tarnation?
Hi, Fred.
Hi, Fred.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
What was all that for?
I don't have the
faintest idea, Uncle Fred.
They just came in,
introduced themselves
and started twitching.
Twitching? If a body could
harness all that power, Ellie,
you could generate
enough 'lectricity
to supply the county.
I just can't understand it.
ELLIE: Hello, Opie.
How do, Miss Ellie?
Are you ready for
another ice cream cone?
I got a dime to pay for it.
You have?
My pa says I got to pay
for all my ice cream cones
and not let you
gimme no presents.
Why?
My pa says that ice
cream you gave me
was a down payment on a husband.
He he said what?
He said that ice
cream you gave me
was a down payment on a husband.
He said that to Aunt Bee.
I see.
What else did your
pa say to Aunt Bee?
He said a female
that would bait a trap
with a fella's own son
was a desperate hunter.
Oh.
Anything else?
That there ain't but one way
for the quarry to
outfox the hunter.
And what's that?
To put her on the
scent of other game.
Oh
Then, that's why
Oh!
You a desperate
hunter, Miss Ellie?
Not really.
'Cause I know where you
can get yourself a possum.
No thanks, honey.
Right now, I'm on
the trail of a baboon.
( bell ringing)
I'll get it.
No
I'll get it.
Oh, howdy, Ellie.
Hello, Sheriff, honey.
Ellie baby is so glad
to see her little
sheriff sweetie.
What? Uh. No, no, no.
Uh, no. Ellie
did you know that you've got
some of our young bucks
in town all shook up?
Well, I feel the same way
about a certain young
fella, too, sheriff honey.
No. Quit, Ellie
No, it's the truth.
I just run into a couple of
our young bucks out here,
and they couldn't talk
about anything but you.
Yes, they went on about
Oh, now, Andy-pie,
you know you have nothing
to be jealous about.
Baby
Well, I'm not jealous. I
Now, you come right over here.
Ellie's going to fix
a nice, cool soda
she fixes only for her special
favorite sheriff lamb.
No, Ellie
Ellie, I-I
I just come in here to tell you
about these boys
you got all shook up.
Boy, they really are shook up,
let me tell you.
I mean, you take, like
you take like good
old Franklin Pomeroy.
He's a good old buddy. Fine boy.
Got a big future at the bank
and got the cutest
little button of a nose
an and, and Pete Johnson?
You take good old Pete Johnson.
Fine upstanding boy,
just dying to settle down
with a sweet, young thing.
And Charlie Beasley.
That boy has got muscles
in the dangdest places.
Yes, sir, he'd make someone
Sheriff, honey,
does sweet, little ol' you
believe in long engagements?
Ellie, I'm afraid I've got
some bad news for you
about the church picnic
and dance Saturday.
I'm afraid I can't go.
Here it is, sheriff honey.
My special soda
for special people
I want to show how I feel about.
Ellie
I ooh!
What are you trying
to do, poison me?
I wish I could, you arrogant
conceited, big-headed
two-faced, underhanded!
What?
How dare you think
I'd want to marry you!
Who do you think you are?
Just because I accepted
what I thought was
a friendly,
neighborly invitation.
And for your information,
Mr. Sheriff, I've given
dozens of children
free ice cream cones,
even if they weren't the
children of such gorgeous,
charming, desirable
catches as yourself.
Well, let me tell you something,
you big, brave hero.
I wouldn't go to
the dance with you
if you were the
last man on Earth,
let alone marry you.
Nor do I need your generous help
in getting me an escort,
and to just prove it to you,
I'm going to go with the
first single, unattached man
who comes through that door!
Hi.
You!
Me?
Yes. Are you taking anyone
to the church dance Saturday?
No.
In that case, I
accept your invitation.
Thank you!
I just come in here
for some foot powder.
Andy, why don't you come in
and have something to
eat and forget all about this?
Oh, I can't eat, Aunt Bee.
Oh, Andy, Ellie's
an awfully nice girl,
and I'm sure if you
went over to see her
and told her you were real
sorry and asked her polite-like,
I'm sure she'd go to the
dance and picnic with you.
Aunt Bee, you
No. No
even if she was nice
enough to forgive me
why, she's a-going with Barney.
Oh?
Well, supposin' Barney
was to change his
mind about taking her?
Well, why would he do that?
A pretty girl like
Ellie asking him?
I expect he's falling
all over hisself
four ways to
Friday to get ready.
Oh, I think if you gave
him good enough reasons
he'd change his
mind about taking her.
How in the world
could I do that?
Well, you're his boss.
He has to take his
orders from you.
Oh, well, yeah.
Yeah, I know that.
Oh oh, Aunt Bee,
I'd be ashamed.
Oh, hello, Barney.
Hi, Aunt Bee.
Hi, Andy.
Well, Barney, look at you.
Ain't you the Adolph
Menjou of Mayberry, though?
Woo-woo!
You sure I look all right?
I ain't wore this suit
since Clary Dorsett's funeral.
Why, you look good enough
to go to the city and
walk around Chinatown.
Don't he look nice, Aunt Bee?
You look very nice, Barney.
Well, I think I'll leave
you two men alone.
You've got a lot to talk about.
I just wanted you
to check me over
before I go to get her, Andy.
Oh, you look fine.
Oh, you
you smell kind of nice, too.
Did you put a little something
on yourself, huh?
Oh, that's just a
little witch hazel
where I cut myself shaving.
Well, you look fine, Barney.
Go ahead and have a good time.
Thanks, I will.
Oh, Barney.
Yeah.
Oh, never mind.
You ain't going to be
in uniform anyways.
Forget it.
Right.
Uh.
What do you mean,
I ain't going to be
in uniform anyways,
so forget it?
Oh, nothing. I just
a lot of traffic and
parking and all
over there at the picnic and
I figured to need a deputy.
Well, I'll be there, Andy.
Oh, yeah, I know, but
how's it going to look
to your young lady there,
dancing a waltz
and directing traffic
at the same time?
You're all dressed up.
I guess I'll just swear
in a temporary deputy.
You reckon Jeff Pritchard
would be all right?
Well, yeah.
Yeah, I guess maybe Jeff
won't mess it up too bad.
Of course, he ain't had
my experience, but
he'll do in a pinch.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
'Course, I hate to see him
get that citation 'stead of you.
Yeah.
What citation?
Oh, for rounding up any
pickpockets he might spot.
Pickpockets?
Here in Mayberry?
Why Andy, we ain't
had a pocket picked
since old man Burnett
put in that complaint
against old lady Burnett.
Yeah, I know.
You know how it is
picnic day, folks coming in
from all over the county,
and pockets full of money.
Well, it probably
won't happen though.
You just don't worry
yourself about it
and have a good time.
Yeah.
Oh, Barney.
Yeah?
If you run into Jeff Pritchard,
tell him I'm a-looking
for him, will you?
Yeah, yeah. I will, I will.
It just ain't fair,
Andy, it just ain't fair.
Now, they're my pickpockets,
not Jeff Pritchard's.
Well, I
You can't do that to me, Andy.
It just ain't fair.
Here, I've been deputying
near a year and a half,
and haven't even catched
myself a little old sneak thief.
Now, the minute
my back's turned,
here comes some
johnny-come-lately in,
rounds himself up a whole ring
of pickpockets single-handed.
My pickpockets. My citation.
Now, you can't do
that to me, Andy.
I'm a deputy sheriff
not a picnicking playboy.
I ain't got time for
flimflam like that.
I'm on 24-hour call.
If you'd just
Deputy Barney Fife,
reporting for duty, sah!
( phone ringing)
Hello?
Oh, hello, Barney.
What?
Oh, that's a shame.
Oh, yes, I understand.
When duty calls
What?
The pickpockets,
they're yours, all yours?
Oh, no, Barney, it's all right.
What?
Well, over and out to you, too.
( knocking)
Oh.
Yes?
I heard about how Barney
couldn't be a-taking you
to the picnic and dance
and I got to studying
about how mighty
disappointed you'd be,
and that sheriffing business
I was telling you about
that kind of got took
care of, and I thought
somebody ought to do
the neighborly thing
Thank you, but I think I've had
enough neighborliness
for a while. Good-bye.
( knocking)
And seeing as how you're
dressed and ready to go anyhow,
I thought I might
as well take you.
No.
( knocking)
On account of you're new in town
and you really ought
to get out and meet the folks.
Miss Ellie, I wish
you wouldn't close
that door again.
I declare, I'm running
out of things to say.
Thank you, Andy,
I'd like to go with you,
except for one thing.
You see, I had
two dates for today:
One with Barney and one
with another young fella,
so you see I
Oh, here comes my
other young fella now.
Hi, pa. Hi, Miss Ellie.
Hi, Opie.
You ready?
I'll be ready in just a moment.
We got a date.
Oh, I see you have.
Well, so long, pa.
Why don't you get
yourself a date?
You know, Opie, I was thinking.
About what, Miss Ellie?
Well, I don't think
it's proper for a young man
to go out unchaperoned with
a desperate female hunter.
Who do you
suppose we can get?
Oh, well, ma'am,
as the escort's father,
I'd be mighty pleased
if he was chaperoned
by the local sheriff.
MISS ELLIE: Andy
Andy, can I see
you for a second?
Howdy, Miss Ellie. Hi.
Opie tells me you
think I got a nice smile.
Yes, but that's not
why I called you over.
I need your help, Andy.
Oh, about what?
Well, come with me.
Okay.
All right, fellas, just, uh
move over there.
( theme music playing)