The Brady Bunch (1969) s01e05 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone
Till the one day when
The lady met this fellow
And they knew that it was
Much more than a hunch
That this group
Must somehow form a family
That's the way they all
Became the Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way they became
The Brady Bunch.
Bye, honey.
Bye, Mom.
Bye, Mom.
Bye, Marcia. Bye, Mom.
Good-bye, sweetheart. Bye, Mommy.
Oh, excuse me, Mr. Brady,
I thought you were one of the kids.
Well, it's probably better
than the blue plate special
I get downtown.
Bye, dear.
Bye, honey. Bye, Alice. Bye, Mr. Brady.
Hey, one of the kids forgot his lunch.
No, I saw each one with his lunch bag.
Well, then whose is this?
Well, let's see, Bobby left
and Cindy Marcia
Greg Peter
BOTH: Jan!
CAROL: Hurry up.
You'll be late for school.
( With stuffy nose ): I'm coming.
( Sneezes )
ALICE: What have you been doing?
Getting some tissues.
I'm all stuffed up.
Oh, boy, the flu season's here again.
( Sneezes )
Gesundheit.
Let me feel your forehead.
Stick out your tongue and say "aah."
When did this start? ( Mumbles )
Well, never mind, dear.
You're staying home from school today.
Come on, up to bed.
I wonder, Mrs. Brady.
You wonder what she's
got? I wonder how soon
the rest of them are
gonna come down with it.
( Jan sneezes )
( Sneezes )
Oh, no, you don't, young lady.
I wouldn't fall for that.
This?
Nope.
This?
( laughs ): Oh, never.
Never?
You little rascal, you're too good for me.
Let's play one more. Not right now.
Your daddy's coming home
for lunch to see how you feel.
Maybe Daddy'll play with me.
I'm sure he will. How are you feeling?
Fine, I haven't sneezed
since I got in bed.
Well, let me see your throat.
Mother, you've looked
at my throat 6,000 times.
Well, this will be 6,001.
Now, stick out your tongue.
I don't understand it;
your throat looks fine.
Does it hurt? No.
Do you hurt anyplace?
My tongue hurts I stuck it out so much
I think I sprained it.
Well, I've never seen
the flu act like this before.
You seem perfectly well.
Can I get up now?
Oh, no, you don't.
You stay right where you are.
And keep the covers on.
Here, you can read a while.
Okay.
( Phone rings )
Hello.
Oh, hi, honey.
Listen, honey, I just called to tell you
not to worry about Jan
she's feeling much better.
You mean she stopped all that sneezing?
Yeah. She seems to feel fine now.
Ah, wonderful!
Well, I was going to come home
for lunch, but
Oh, come anyway your favorite
dish is waiting for you.
What's that?
Me.
( laughs )
No, I really do have
your favorite dish, though:
it's tuna salad with
chopped eggs and pickle relish.
Well, that settles it.
With my little girl, my wife
and my tuna salad all waiting
for me, I'm coming home.
Good I'll see you in a little while. Bye.
Bye-bye.
Alice, the tuna salad will be
in the refrigerator.
Mr. Brady can have a piece
of this cake for dessert.
Mmm
that looks delicious.
Yeah, I sure am glad Jan's feeling better.
Yeah, you know, that's
the strangest cold.
Not a sign of it now.
What about all that sneezing?
She hasn't sneezed a single sneeze.
This morning I was up
to here in gesundheits.
All her symptoms have disappeared.
What could have made her
Wait a minute. An allergy.
Maybe she's allergic to something.
That's right, an allergy will
make you sneeze and wheeze.
Pollen, dust, maybe some kind of food.
When did she start sneezing so hard?
This morning at breakfast.
Hey, I used flour to make the pancakes
and yesterday when I made that cake
she was sneezing then.
As a matter of fact, a couple of days ago
when we were making
cookies, remember?
That's right, but Flour!
I'm glad we found it out now
before she grew up and married a baker.
Maybe it's the roses or geraniums
or something in the backyard.
It is pollen season.
It's the flour, Mrs. Brady.
Let's take some up and test her.
Alice, you don't mind
if I check with the doctor, do you?
Oh, no, ma'am, he's entitled
to his opinion, too.
Nothing?
Nope, none of those
things make me sneeze.
It's the flour, Mrs. Brady I'm positive.
Okay, Alice, we'll try the flour.
Get ready with your gesundheit.
Now, just a little sniff, Jan.
No use punishing yourself.
Nothing?
No.
Take a bigger sniff.
Just smells like flour.
It doesn't bother you?
No, not at all.
I don't understand that.
( Starts to sneeze )
( laughs )
( laughs )
Don't laugh.
This stuff is dynamite.
It doesn't bother me.
Can I get up now, Mother?
No, honey, you better stay put.
The doctor's pretty sure
you've got some kind of allergy,
and he wants me to keep checking
different things around the house.
Do I have to stay in bed?
No, you can go to the doctor's
and get a shot, if you'd rather.
I'll stay in bed.
Maybe Jan's allergic to dust.
Well, it can't be dust.
There's as much dust upstairs
as there is downstairs.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, Alice.
I just meant that it's all very well dusted.
Oh. Hey, I just had a funny thought.
Maybe she's allergic to a person.
Oh, Alice. It happens.
I remember reading once about a woman
that was allergic to her husband.
Oh, I read about that, too
they had to get a divorce.
Now, we know she's not
allergic to either one of us,
because we were both up there
with her, and she never sneezed once.
Maybe it's her new pillow.
Oh, no. It doesn't have any feathers in it.
She couldn't be allergic to her sisters
because you would've found
out about that a long time ago.
Maybe it's one of the boys or Mr. Brady.
Oh, Alice, really.
Think about it, Mrs. Brady.
She hasn't sneezed once
since they left this morning.
Well, that doesn't prove
MIKE: Honey!
I'm home.
Listen, if it's Mr. Brady
we can check it out fast enough.
Shh, Alice, it's just too farfetched.
Hi, darling.
Hi, Alice. Honey.
( Sneezes )
God bless you.
What's everybody staring at?
Haven't you ever seen
anyone sneeze before?
Have you been sneezing all day?
No. First sneeze in a week.
How's Jan feeling?
Oh, much better.
She hasn't sneezed at all since you
( clears throat )
Darling, why don't you
run up and see her?
She's just dying
to play checkers with you.
Oh, really?
I better warn her as a boy, I was known
as the checker champ
of Chestnut Avenue.
Well, watch out for yourself,
she's pretty good.
All right, let me know
when lunch is ready. We will.
Doesn't that just tear your heart out?
He's so cheerful.
He has no idea what he's walking into.
Alice, we don't know that it's Mr. Brady.
We don't know what it is.
You're right.
Let's just wait until we find out.
You mean, just stand here and wait?
You're not suggesting
that we go upstairs and eavesdrop.
Hi, princess.
Hi, Daddy.
( Sneezes )
Gesundheit.
How are you feeling?
I'm all stuffed up.
Aw, that's too bad.
Let's see, you got a fever?
No, Mommy took my temperature.
( Sneezes )
MIKE: Alice says you haven't
been sneezing as much.
JAN: Now it started up again.
( Sneezes )
I hear you want
to play me a game of checkers.
Not right now.
I'm feeling worse.
You mean, since I came in?
Yeah
especially since you sat down.
( Sneezes )
( Catches breath )
You poor kid.
You want me to read to you?
You settle back and relax
a little bit, close your eyes.
We can try it.
( Sneezes )
( Jan sneezes )
Mrs. Brady, we got
to get him out of there.
Well
Mike,
would you come out here, please?
Sure, honey. Soup's on?
Not exactly.
The fat's in the fire, you might say.
( Whispers ): Alice, shh.
I'll read to you later.
Here.
Hi, honey, what's up?
Mike
I don't quite know
how to tell you this.
Jan's allergic to you.
Thank you, Alice.
What's this all about?
You heard Jan sneezing just now?
Well, she didn't sneeze once
while you were at the office.
It's one of those rare things.
Now, that's silly.
Well, that's what I thought, too.
But have you heard her sneeze
since you left the room?
No.
How are you feeling now, Jan?
Much better, Daddy.
It was funny
right after you left the room,
I started feeling better.
Good. I'm glad to hear it.
I'll, uh, see you after lunch.
Well?
Yep.
Oh, Mike.
Now, honey.
Why don't you two look
at the bright side?
Would you mind telling
us just what that is?
Well
maybe you can get her a gas mask.
( Sneezing resumes )
What was that?
I said, maybe you
could get her a gas mask.
No, shh.
( Jan sneezes )
Oh, that's music.
She's singing our song.
( Gasping )
Did you sneeze, Jan?
Yes.
Tiger, please, get down, go away.
Does it bother you with Tiger near you?
Oh, yes, it's terrible.
Oh, I just realized.
Let me get him out of here.
Come on, katchoo king.
There, now, how's that?
Oh, better.
Does it bother you when I sit here?
Not at all.
Oh, what a relief.
We thought you were allergic to
Never mind. It's Tiger.
Tiger? What's he doing?
He isn't doing anything, Jan.
It's something about his hair
invisible little particles.
That's what makes you sneeze.
I was afraid we'd have
to get rid of Daddy, but
Oh, Mike, what are we
gonna do about Tiger?
Well, I don't know.
The boys have raised
him since he was a pup.
They'll be heartbroken.
I'm sorry, Daddy.
It isn't your fault, sweetheart.
Maybe it's not Tiger after all.
Alice!
Alice, would you bring Tiger back?
Oh, darling, we're sure it's Tiger.
Maybe it isn't.
You sure you want him?
Yes.
Come on, Tiger.
Come here, Tiger.
Come on, Tiger.
Come on, come on, baby.
Oh, no!
( Sneezes loudly, then whimpers )
Those poor boys.
It'll break their hearts.
Tiger's such a sweet dog.
He's a good watchdog, too.
The way he took to me and the girls.
Treated you just like
the rest of the family.
A dog like Tiger, you know,
isn't easy to come by.
I sure don't envy you, Mr. Brady,
having to tell the boys.
Well, bad news is part of life.
Something unpleasant happens
you have to face it, you know
be realistic.
When there's no alternative
there's no alternative.
Might as well not put it off.
Might as well go and tell them now.
CAROL: Mike
I wish there was something I could do.
Me, too, Mr. Brady.
Thanks.
I ever tell you we had Tiger
before we had Bobby?
Yes. Now. Alice, why did
you have to tell me now?
I just happened to think about it now.
Well, try to think about something else.
Be brave like Mr. Brady.
Hi, gang.
Hi, Dad. Hi, Dad.
Time out, fellas.
Let's have a little talk.
Come on, Tiger
this concerns you, too.
You look pretty serious, Dad.
Well, I'm afraid it is pretty serious, son.
Your mother kept Jan
home from school today
because she thought she had a cold.
Yeah, we wondered
what happened to her.
How is she?
MIKE: Fine.
It turned out Jan didn't
have a cold after all.
She was just pretending?!
What a phony-baloney.
She wasn't pretending
and it wasn't phony.
Jan has an allergy.
An aller-what?
Allergy that's something
that makes you feel miserable
when you get anywhere near it.
I have an allergy, too arithmetic.
Peter, I'm talking
about coughing and sneezing
and eyes tearing.
Now, there's something
around the house
that's doing all of these
terrible things to Jan.
GREG: What's the problem?
Whatever it is, let's just get rid of it.
Even if it's Tiger?
Tiger?!
Jan's allergic to Tiger,
and I'm afraid, boys,
that they cannot live
together in the same house.
Aw, Dad.
That's terrible.
Where's Jan going to live?
Jan will live with us, Bobby.
Maybe Tiger can live
with Gram and Grandpa.
I don't want Tiger to go away.
Tiger's a dog, son.
Jan's your sister.
Well, just keep Tiger away from Jan.
Yeah, yeah!
Boys, it's impossible
in the same house.
Isn't there anything we can do?
Sorry, fellas, Jan's allergy
gets worse and worse
with Tiger around.
I'm afraid he'll have to go.
Did you get it?
Right here.
There you go, Tiger.
Boy, this is the first time
he's eaten a bone in our room.
Yeah, it's kind of like a special occasion.
He's going to know something's wrong.
Dog's can't figure out things like that
not even Tiger.
PETER: He sure likes that bone.
I hope he doesn't try to bury it
right in the floor.
He'll get splinters.
Don't be dumb.
He'll bury it in the backyard
with the rest of his bones.
Hey, maybe we ought
to dig 'em all up now
so he can take them with him.
No, he'll get new ones
at Grandma's house.
I guess we all got
to say good-bye to him now.
Yeah. Who's going to say good-bye first?
Go ahead.
Me?! You're the oldest.
For the first time,
I'm glad I'm the youngest.
He sure is enjoying that bone.
Yeah, I don't even want to break
the bad news to him now.
It'll spoil his appetite.
Well, I guess we got to do it.
Hey, Tiger
Tiger?
Tiger, I'm talking to you.
He ain't listening.
I betcha he's got a feeling in his bones
I mean his own,
not the one he's chewing.
Listen, fella, I got some terrible news.
Would you leave that bone alone
for a minute?
We should have given it to him
after we said good-bye.
I bet he wouldn't have wanted it then.
Tiger, leave that bone alone
for a minute, will you, Tiger?
Tiger?
That crummy bone
is messing up everything.
Tell him good-bye anyway.
Yeah, let him eat it.
What I wanted to tell you, pal
as much as we love you,
we got to give you away.
It's killing us, but there's
nothing we can do about it.
You tell him, Peter.
Tiger
you know we don't want
to give you away.
Tell him we'll miss him.
And we're going to miss you
something awful.
Tiger?
Tiger?!
Aw, he doesn't even care about us.
All he wants is that bone.
Maybe he doesn't want us to know
how he really feels.
Tiger
all I want to say is
Oh, Tiger!
( Bobby sniffling )
And whenever Tiger comes around me
I sneeze and I sneeze
and I can hardly breathe.
I don't want to get rid of him.
Neither do I, but Dad says
his hair makes me sneeze.
Hey, I know what we can do.
Let's give him a good bath.
Then his hair won't
make you sneeze anymore.
Hey, that's a good idea.
Come on, Cindy.
Jan, you stay here or you'll sneeze.
Okay.
Don't forget behind his ears.
Okay.
( Tiger whining )
Tiger!
Boy, I'm going to miss Tiger.
Darn that Jan anyway.
Aw, she can't help it.
It's her dumb nose.
Hey, I've got an idea.
People get heart transplants
maybe Jan can get a nose transplant.
That's crazy.
Sure, where are we going to get
an extra nose?
You guys are both such dumb heads
I don't even know
how we can be brothers.
There's only one thing to do.
What's that?
Well, if Tiger's hair is causing Jan trouble
we'll give him a bath
get his hair real clean.
Hey, yeah! Scrub
that allergy right off him.
Good idea!
Shh! We'll keep it a secret.
That way it'll be a real test
when Jan smells him.
Come on.
Come on.
Lift his rear end up, Peter.
There
What's wrong with him?
I've never seen him so afraid of water.
Afraid or not, he's got
to have a good bath.
It's our only hope for keeping him.
Now, come on, Tiger.
There.
Good night, fellas.
Good night, Peter.
Good night.
Good night, Bobby.
Good night.
Good night.
Good night, Dad.
Good night, Greg.
Good night, Greg.
No talking, right to sleep.
BOBBY: Dad?
If Tiger doesn't make
Jan sneeze tomorrow,
will we still have to give him away?
No, of course not, Bobby.
But I wouldn't depend on that.
I'm afraid that would take a miracle.
Maybe there'll be a miracle.
Oh, I hope so.
Good night.
Alice?
Alice?
Alice?
The kids are asleep. Ready for action?
Soap, scrub brush, tub of
water ready and waiting.
I didn't say anything to the boys
I didn't want to get their hopes up.
It's high time Tiger had a bath anyway.
I'd better get back before
Mr. Brady misses me, okay?
Come here, Tiger.
What's the matter with you, Tiger?
You usually enjoy a bath.
And, believe me, this
is going to be a good one.
Come on, Tiger.
( Quietly ): You've been a
member of this family for a long time.
You're a good dog and I
don't want to lose you.
So, it may be hopeless
but you're going to have a bath
like you never had before.
That a boy.
You're going to like it a whole lot.
That a boy.
( Tiger whining )
Come on, Alice.
Sit down, Tiger. Here he comes.
Morning, Alice. Morning, Mr. Brady.
Sweetheart. Girls up? Hi.
They'll be down in a minute.
Want your coffee?
In a minute. Hello, Tiger, how are you?
BOYS: Good morning.
Hi, guys. Hi, boys.
GREG: There's good ol' Tiger.
PETER: How are you, Tiger?
BOBBY: Where are the girls?
They'll be down in a minute.
Want your juice, fellas? In a minute.
Hi, girls.
MARCIA: Good morning.
Hi, Tiger.
CINDY: Good morning.
Hello, Tiger.
GREG: Boy, he sure
smells clean, doesn't he?
You bet he does.
I'll say so.
Squeaky clean.
He's pure.
Cleanest dog in the neighborhood.
Absolutely.
We seem to be in full agreement on that.
What we've got here is a clean dog
Morning, Jan.
( All talking at once )
You look much better.
GREG: How you feeling?
Oh, I feel fine.
Come on, Tiger, come here.
Come on, Tiger, hi.
( About to sneeze )
Oh, no!
It just started?
Just when I got near Tiger.
( Sneezes )
Oh, dear.
Well, there's no use putting it off.
Come on, Tiger, I'll have to take you
over to Grandma's. Come on.
CAROL: Oh, poor Tiger.
GREG: Be a good dog.
PETER: We'll come
and see you every day.
GREG: Practically.
Bye-bye, Tiger.
I'm sorry, Tiger. Me, too.
Okay, come on.
Wait a sec.
You stupid dog!
Get out of here.
I'll be back in half an hour.
Come on, kids, let's get breakfast.
I'm sorry, I can't help it.
The boys know that, Jan.
Sure, honey.
Nobody's blaming you. Right, fellas?
( A little louder ): Right, fellas?
Yeah, right.
Yeah, I guess so.
There, you see?
So cheer up. I'll get breakfast.
Oh, speaking of getting, I've
got something for your grandma
Tiger's new flea powder.
Will one of you kids stop
your dad before he drives off?
Oh, I'll do it.
Okay.
( Sneezing )
Oh, Jan, wait.
Alice, it's the flea powder
it's Tiger's new flea powder
that Jan's allergic to!
It isn't Tiger at all!
We got to stop Dad!
( Whistling )
Hey, Mr. Brady!
( Quietly ): I guess it's okay, huh?
Well, just for tonight.
Good night, Tiger.
Good night, boy.
( Whines contentedly )