The Change (2023) s01e05 Episode Script

1
CLAPPING AND MUSIC PLAY
CRACKLING
GUITAR PLAYS
ENGINE REVS
ENGINE STOPS
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
PHONE CONTINUES RINGING
Hi
No. I haven't told anyone
about Stephen the kids yet.
Stop ringing and asking.
Could you get off my case?
We've been through all this, Siobhain,
because too much time has elapsed.
I look mental now.
Yeah, yeah, well, Pig Man
isn't going to tell anyone.
Stop shouting, Siobhain.
Can you stop shouting?
Can you stop shouting?
If you don't stop shouting,
I'm hanging up.
Lin's got no idea what's in store
for her.
Fiver she says her feet hurt.
And she keeps asking to use the
toilet And the water's too cold.
Won't like the attention either.
The locals are doing
a really good job
on Faither's memorial,
thanks to Lin.
They've finally
got their confidence back
after the Straw Man
Harvest Festival incident.
Can't blame us for that, Joy.
It were an abomination.
You said it looked like Michael
Fabricant fell out of an airplane
into a hay bale
and YOU set fire to it.
Faither's memorial.
Just what the world needs - another
monument to a problematic man.
Should be making a Fred West
water fountain next.
You should tell Linda the truth
about Verderer.
Let her know that a
memorial to him is difficult.
Nowt to explain - he were a bastard.
Oh, we're allowed to swear tonight,
are we? Thank fuck for that!
Festival eve, Town Mouse.
Say what we want.
Nice dress!
What, this old thing? Yeah!
Fiver, in a charity shop.
Not my sort of thing at all.
I'm just going to try it on,
see what it looked like then
Tony said I was too old for it,
which really annoyed me
and so I bought it.
I thought, "Well, Tony, you are too
old for women's jeggings."
LAUGHTER
Yeah!
My God,
men telling women what to wear.
It is SO annoying.
My ex would only have sex
with me if I was in waders.
My ex wouldn't have his picture
taken next to me
if I was in heels, ever.
Not even on our wedding day?
Yes, so we were sat down in all of them.
My dad said that we look disabled.
You look like a high-end
Russian prostitute.
Oh, thanks, Carm.
So you got it for Tony, then?
No, of course not. No, no, I'm just
saying that what he said annoyed me.
Who'd you get it for, then?
Must be a man involved. Mm-hm.
No!
Pig Man?
Jealous, Carm? Oh, my God.
Why does everyone
think I'm bonking Pig Man?
It's so childish!
First my sister, and now you lot.
Oh, yeah. Everyone loved meeting
your charming, polite sister,
especially the Verderer,
who she called
"some fucking tree cheese gnome".
Whole town knows you've been hanging
around down Pig Man's cave.
Yes! For his
friendship and his frothy milk.
Well, as long as you're
happy being the third, Linda,
after his porkers and Carm.
GASPING
Pig Man and Carmel?
Nice.
Well, not consummated unless
you count him giving her
his first prize veggies every year.
That's enough, Agnes.
Pig Man's sweet potatoes and what
he does with them is up to him.
So, it was for Tony, then?
JOY LAUGHS
Oh, my God!
I didn't buy it for a man, OK?
I got it for myself.
All right.
Also, if I was a lesbian,
which I'm not -
you wouldn't keep asking me what
woman I bought it for, would you?
Yeah, I would. No, you wouldn't.
Would do.
No, you absolutely wouldn't.
Yeah. No, you wouldn't.
Would. You wouldn't.
Would. No. We would.
I don't know how you can stand it.
I really, really don't.
Everyone knowing your business
all the time.
"Hold the front page!
"Woman who normally wears jeans
and a T-shirt, wears a dress!
"Crisp packet blows out of a bin
and lands on a dog's back."
Which dog? Which flavour crisps?
Did it stay on the dog's back
or immediately blow off again?
Forget about the dog.
It didn't happen.
I made it up.
THEY EXCLAIM DISAPPOINTEDLY
We didn't mean to make you feel
self-conscious, Town Mouse.
You look great. Own it.
Thanks.
I'll take that.
I think you're all really beautiful,
by the way.
Not just tonight,
because you've dressed up.
We know we're beautiful,
Town Mouse, inside and out.
Don't need no-one telling us that.
Ooh! What?!
Nothing.
Weird. Hey,
thanks for inviting me, by the way.
To your special night.
Don't normally enjoy parties.
DISTANT CHEERING AND LAUGHTER
HIGH–PITCHED RINGING THROUGHOU
Help me with this, Linda.
Oh, God.
I'm rubbish at fiddly things
like this and I hate pins.
It doesn't have to be perfect, Linda.
It's the love what goes into
something what makes it special.
Oh. That's where the magic comes from.
Everything that at the Eel Festival
has been made
with love by someone.
Mutton dressed as lamb.
What, me? No, what people call
older women what dress young.
Hmm. I haven't had that in years.
Just pick something, first
thing that catches your eye.
Right. Well, I used to pick
this with my mum.
Perfect. Yeah?
OK.
I heard it shouted at my mum once.
On her birthday. No.
My mum only ever wore make-up
on special occasions.
A little bit of lippy,
a bit of blusher.
I used to love
watching her putting it on.
I will never forget the look
on her face for as long as I live.
Just four words.
She was utterly crushed.
Of course, she had to
front it out because I was there.
"Just a bit of banter, eh?
Just a bit of banter."
They will never know the trail
of devastation that they left,
just a few seconds
out of their lives.
She never got dressed up on
her birthday again.
"Mutton dressed as lamb."
Another derogatory term just
for women like, "gold digger",
"prick tease", "slut",
"ball breaker", "battle axe",
"harpy".
Is there an equivalent term
for an older man who dresses young?
A cunt? Oh!
LAUGHTER
That's the one!
Now get a pin
and just pin it on whatever you like.
NOT THERE! Oh, my God!
It's not funny!
You're a natural, Town Mouse.
Just go with your instinct.
You don't want too much of the same
thing in the one place, though.
Or the same colour. Or size.
Oh, right.
So it's not easy, then.
I do have to think about it.
Oh! I saw really good film at the
Palace earlier.
Which one? OK, don't rush me.
FBI thing.
SHE CLEARS HER THROA
Bloke with the smirky faces in it.
You know, big eyebrow.
He was in that shit baby
film as well.
And the musical
with the Australian woman.
Big quiff!
Him, not her.
Mark Kermode.
Who's that?
Uncle Isaiah had a commode.
Was he in the OJ Simpson film?
I haven't seen it. Made of oak.
He died on it.
He was also in that film
with that woman who was in the other
film by the same director.
And in the other film,
she wore a yellow jumpsuit.
Annika Rice! His bum slipped
right down and they couldn't
get him out. Imagine that.
Trying to hoick a dead man
out of a toilet.
Apparently, he still managed
to look dignified. What was it?
John Travolta.
John Travolta!
Film's called Face/Off.
Well done, Carm!
Oh!
I couldn't remember what
a toe was called the other day.
I called it a foot finger.
The word for "plunger" escaped me.
I told my plumber that
I used a shit sucker.
JOY LAUGHS
MEN CHEER IN THE DISTANCE
Oh. Oh, that was a nice idea
of yours, Linda.
Getting the men to bake the Eel pie
at the tree for the Verderer.
Just didn't seem fair
him missing out.
You'd have been a good mum.
Never thought about it?
I just
I haven't
Why do women always have to explain
why they haven't had kids?
We're just chatting, Lin, is all.
It's fine if you'd rather
not talk about it.
One in three pregnancies
ends in miscarriage.
Nothing to be ashamed of, Linda.
I got two buried out in the woods.
Planted trees on top of them.
So they live on.
I never got that far.
Endometriosis.
Joy's the only one who got
one in the back of the net.
Oh.
I'm I'm really sorry.
That's, that's really tough.
It's just that, you know,
being a mother or not being a mother
is not how I define myself.
Never said it was.
Well, then
Well, then, you know, I just didn't
meet the right person, then.
Well, there you are, then.
MEN CHEER IN THE DISTANCE
The men got over the role reversal
this year, then, Carm?
Thinking they're loving
jumping over the fire?
LINDA GASPS
Is that what they're doing?
Tradition goes
the Lady of the Flowers,
is which this year is the Man
of the Flowers, throws midsummer
flowers and herbs on the fire,
then jumps over it.
Oh! Scares the dragons away,
stops them from
poisoning our springs and wells.
Well, good job, then.
MOBILE TEXT ALERT PINGS
Another dick pic, Lin?
Yeah.
Won't be a sec. Careful what you
reply, Linda.
Once your vulva is up in the Cloud,
God knows where it'll end up.
I'm a Catholic.
Even I haven't seen my vulva yet!
I'm not about to put it on a Cloud.
LAUGHTER IN THE DISTANCE
VOICE NOTE PING
Look, Siobhan, it is a boring lie.
It would be much more exciting
if I'd killed someone
or if I was a paedophile.
But I haven't and I'm not.
Just got a husband and kids at home.
You know, a bit of support
wouldn't go amiss.
Actually, a bit of compassion.
Like I showed you when Father
William told Dad that you confessed
to him to liking it when
dogs sniffed your private parts.
And I'm sorry, I don't want to have
to bring that up again
but you've made me.
I'll tell them tonight.
OK, bye.
VOICE NOTE PING
Would have been much easier
if Faither had left
a plan for the festival. He didn't
believe in writing nothing down.
A convenient belief system
for Faither
being illiterate, and all.
Tradition went,
he'd tell his son everything.
But he never had one,
not a legitimate one in any case.
Tried passing you
off as one didn't he, Carm?
Till you leaked on a pew.
Thanks for waiting for me.
About Faither's memorial.
It don't sit right with us.
He was a bad 'un, Linda.
Oh, no.
So sorry.
He wasn't? A Jimmy Savile?
No. But you were a bastard.
Then left everything to Ryan,
his illegitimate
and only son, when he turned 18.
But Ryan doesn't identify as male,
and Faither was never a faither
to them, so they don't want
anything to do with it.
Oh, my God. Ryan will be
master of ceremonies tomorrow.
Eels don't have a gender neither,
so outfit's nice.
We meet Ryan for the first time
tomorrow as our sibling.
Nervous, ain't we, Carm?
We are.
Hmm.
Well, then we'll have a minute's
silence and I'll deal with the rest.
OK?
Do people know that
Faither was a bad 'un? No!
The community loved him.
It would absolutely
break them to find out.
Anyways, he's dead now,
so it's time to move on.
It's time for change. Hmm.
Who wears these?
The ten best behaved children.
Oh.
What about all the kids
that aren't chosen?
Never did the Verderer
no harm not being chosen.
Ten years on the trot.
Done right by them birds
living up that tree.
He's a proper local hero.
Can't have been easy, him being
scared of heights.
And the dark. And shitting in bags.
He's waited a long time to be an Eel
child, but he's earned his place
alongside them kids.
Pig Man can keep watch over the tree
while the Verderer's at
the festival.
They might have rumbled us on them bones,
but they've still got a way to
go before they can start felling.
That won't stop them
if that tree's left unmanned.
OWL HOOTS
Listen! The other one will reply
in a minute.
Yeah, we know, Linda.
We live in a wood.
OWL HOOTS
SHE GASPS
Oh, I love it so much!
I never knew it was two owls talking.
More action than I've seen
in a while.
Now we're talking!
When was the last time
you had sex then, Linda?
Oh, I don't remember.
What about you lot?
Oh, lunchtime. This morning.
Menage a trois,
with me, myself and I.
14th February.
Blimey, that's precise.
Must have been good. Yes, it was.
Well, must have travelled
for that then, Joy.
No, I didn't even
need to leave work.
No! What?!
It can't be?
No.
No!
I won't believe it.
Tell me!
No!
The Verderer?!
So wrong, it's right, Joy.
Hmm.
His fans better not find out.
Joy's fans better not find out.
What's that?
DISTANT SINGING
Men's night singing.
It's normally the womenfolk.
God, it's lovely.
Come and try this on for me, Linda.
What, me?
Are you sure that's OK?
Need to pin it for height.
Is that Faither's? Yeah.
It's so beautiful.
Gonna have to try his horrible
codpiece on as well, do I?
We've got other plans
for Faither's codpiece.
Look, moon's out.
Amazing, innit?
Hold still, Linda.
There's one more pin.
Do you ever think, "I wonder
how many more full moons I'll see?"
Nope.
All done.
MUSIC PLAYS
- Oh!
- Yes!
Come on, Joy.
MUSIC CONTINUES
Come on, girls.
TEXT MESSAGE ALERTS PING
WHOOPING
Come on, Joy.
If this was a film, we'd be naked.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
Joy, what are you doing?
LAUGHTER
SNORES GENTLY
SHE SCREAMS
What are you doing?!
You're lucky I wasn't naked!
Get out!
Best you come quiet, Linda.
I'm not coming anywhere.
You can't just come in here
and rip the covers off me.
I've got tenant's rights!
Don't make me bash your head
in and put you in a bucket.
Come on, Linda.
I need a wee.
We should do this again sometime.
Let go, Linda!
Just drag the bitch.
Quick! What are you doing?
Oh, this is ridiculous.
Pants are up my bum!
Stop! I've got a hernia.
There's no need for this.
Let go, Linda.
THUD
I'm too old for this shit.
Tell me why we're going.
I might just
Oh, Sally, my dearest
you, I'd be kissing
Oh, Sally, my dear,
it's you I'd be kissing
She smiled and replied,
"You don't know
what you're missing."