The Cleaner (2021) s01e05 Episode Script

1
Hi. You from the police?
Yeah, no. Sort of.
Mm, your mates left
about two hours ago.
Oh, yeah, I always come
after them. I've
Oh, my God. What?
Where did you get that T-shirt?
It's so cool.
I don't know,
I've had it years.
Mm. I thought it might be
from the vintage place in town.
It looks proper '80s.
Probably is proper '80s.
I probably bought it
in the proper '80s.
Shut up! You shut up.
Come on, I'll show you
what happened.
Hey.
Your parents have got good taste.
That's MY car.
I know you'll never be mine,
but no-one could love you
the way I would've loved you.
What are you doing?
Oh, no, I was just, uh
No, she's good, mate.
Yeah, good as gold, that is.
Yep.
In here.
Well, you've stolen my childhood.
Oh, I'm totally obsessed
with '80s stuff,
literally anything
made in the '80s.
Have you seen Stranger Things?
That wasn't made in the '80s.
But you like '80s, too.
Yeah, I'm FROM the '80s.
Amazing.
Like Back To The Future?
Yes.
"Roads? Where we're going,
we don't need roads."
You haven't seen it, have you?
No. No.
Mm. I've got to update me socials.
You're cool to do your thing,
put tape up or whatever.
Yeah, cool, whatever.
Vibe. What?
I don't know.
It just felt right to say "vibe".
Why?
What happened with, uh?
Oh, man, this dude came round
to wire in the arcade machine
andbam!
Bam? Bam.
What's bam? It just went up.
What's a fuse?
They stop people going bam.
Thank God I was out.
Blood, it makes me barf.
Hmm.
Poor guy, though, eh?
Ugh, I know. It was, like, so sad.
Yeah. I can see you're devastated.
Hi, guys!
So, today, I'm going to do
a vintage haul.
I've been saving up
loads of amazing stuff.
Some of it's just old,
but this is actual
I'm going to get my stuff.
Oh, oh, wait.
Before you go,
are you cool if I check
something with you?
Is that a tray of onions?
Mm.
I'm in shock.
Something terrible
has happened and
..I don't know what to say.
Sorry, I need a moment.
I know this is going to worry
a few of you, and
..I'm fine.
Yeah.
No, I'm not.
I can't do this now,
but I'll be back in 30 minutes
to tell you
how my life has changed
..forever.
Well?
Jesus Christ.
Did it make you want
to like and subscribe?
Liken subscribe?
Like and subscribe.
I don't know. Please say yeah.
I can't.
I don't know what it means.
Well, say you'll like and subscribe.
I can't say like and subscribe
to something
that I don't understand.
I don't know what like
and subscribe is. Just say it!
One button, that's all it is.
Just say it. Just say it, please.
Hosea, me, you But what is it?
..like, subscribe.
How can I if I don't understand it?
I need you on my side.
How can I agree to it? I just want
you to like and subscribe!
One button. One button.
Please like and subscribe.
Like and subscribe!
Thanks so much.
I can't do this now,
but I'll be back in 30 minutes
to tell you how
my life has changed
..forever.
Did you buy all this stuff, then?
Oh, most of it got sent to me.
Can I play with some of it?
Sure.
I used to be able to do these.
What do you mean?
You know, do them, complete them.
I didn't know you could do them.
I thought you just switched the
stickers. I can complete them.
Are you like Professor Brian Cox?
I'm exactly like
Professor Brian Cox.
Ta-da!
Fuck off! You fuck off.
This is going to break
the internet.
I'll DM it you.
I think there's probably
already videos
of people doing
a Rubik's cube online, mate.
You should upload it.
I mean, I can't, because
of the big announcement.
What socials are you on?
Oh. I'm only on Facebook.
I don't use that.
I keep getting death threats
from this woman.
You should look her up, actually.
It's funny -
the Tattooed Milf.
You should get on Insta and TikTok.
My niece is always
banging on about that.
What is TikTok?
What's TikTok?
That's TikTok.
Well, I do not like it.
I'm not uploading that.
I don't like any
of this social media stuff.
Who wants to know
how people are doing?
Chris Marner's
got an Audi R8 now.
At school, he got suspended
for eating the hood
off a girl's coat.
You wouldn't have to do any of
this police business any more
if you got enough followers.
I'm sorry, what is your job?
I'm Home Alone Hosea!
Jesus Christ, Grandad.
Do you own a computer?
Yeah. My mate Weasel
got it for me, though,
and the keyboard's confusing.
Well, look me up sometime. I will.
Do you know your name
in Chinese symbols?
Catch you later.
Loving the sexy police onesie,
by the way.
Rip It Up by Orange Juice
When I first saw you,
something stirred within me
You were standing sultry
in the rain
If I could've held you,
I would've held you
Rip it up and start again
Rip it up and start again
Rip it up and start again
I hope to God
you're not as dumb as you make out
I hope to God
And I hope to God
I'm not as numb as you make out
I hope to God
And when I next saw you,
my heart reached out for you
My arms stuck like glue
to my sides ♪
Oh, my God, what the fuck?!
Oh, dude, this is bad.
What have you done?
I'm sorry, I was thirsty.
You drank that?
Those cans are 35 years old.
I got them on eBay!
Never mind that.
You've cleaned up all the blood.
Yeah, it's my job.
You said you were the police.
No, YOU said I was the police.
Well, what are you?
A crime scene cleaner.
You're a cleaner?! Crime scene.
He's just a cleaner! Who are you?
Why didn't you say
you were just some cleaner?
Cos I'm not. Says he's not.
Well, he is. I'm not. What?!
What are you, dude?
I'm a crime scene cleaner!
If you clean, you're a cleaner.
And you've basically ruined
my life! Well done, cleaner.
Not cool, bro.
Cool T-shirt, though.
What did I do wrong?
You cleaned his content, man.
What? He needed that content.
Why do you keep saying content?
He was going to livestream
about the dead guy.
Content's money, bro.
OK, I'm not going to talk
to you any more.
There's clearly something wrong.
Yo! Stay where you are.
Yeah, we can't light it.
Some massive fat dude
cleared it up.
OK, I'll come there now.
Fat?
Yeah, you're, like, really fat.
Mate?
Oi, mate!
Can you come down?
Are you going to make me
climb up there?
You think I haven't got
those skills?
You think I haven't got
tree-climbing skills?
All right, strap in.
Yes, please!
Not a problem.
There he is.
Up we go.
Yeah.
All good. All good.
Still got it. You never lose it.
Whoo!
This used to be like
Disney World for us.
Cos you were poor? Boo-hoo.
Look, I don't know
what I've done wrong.
I was going to do a big stream
about the guy getting fried,
and now it's like
it never happened.
People aren't interested in an
electrical accident, are they?
I would've filmed Fat Baz down
the pub when he blew his thumb off.
Why?
Oh, he was trying to hook
a crumpet out of a toaster.
It was No!
Why are you still talking to me?
I needed that dead guy,
and you've cleaned him up.
Can't you put it back?
Put what back?
The blood.
Oh, the blood. Yeah, God, of course.
I've got some buckets in the car.
We'll go and splash it back on now.
You're shitting me?
Yes, I'm shitting you.
Well, congratulations
for finding my ruined life
so hilarious, you sad, old fuck.
Go and mop up somewhere else.
Well
I don't even use a mop.
Your move.
Look, what's the matter, son?
It's over.
I know that, really.
Home Alone Hosea is just
another Tom from MySpace
or the guy that sang
Chocolate Rain.
Or that monkey
that banged that frog.
So you've heard of the monkey
that banged a frog?
The monkey's a legend, mate.
That's me now.
The monkey that banged a frog.
A joke.
Blackberry jam.
What?
You can make blood
with blackberry jam.
Come on.
Let's get it done.
That's the Way
by Dead or Alive
Keep that, keep that body strong
That's the way
Uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it
Uh-huh, uh-huh
That's the way
Uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it
Uh-huh, uh-huh
That's the way
Uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it
Uh-huh, uh-huh
That's the way
Uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it
Uh-huh, uh-huh
When you take me
By the hand
And tell me I'm
Your loving man ♪
Ah!
Did you have one in the '80s?
A soda thingy? No.
Mum said they were
a waste of money.
I'd just been to the shops for her
to buy 40 fags
and a bottle of Cinzano.
The irony wasn't wasted.
Honey.
So, how do you know how to use it?
They're not that complicated.
Hey, when we were kids,
if we wanted free stuff,
we had to go down the rec
and do a dance for Dirty Bertie.
I can't believe people
send it you for nothing.
I can't believe
you don't know who I am.
Well, tell me what happened.
When I was 16,
my parents moved to Italy.
I told them I didn't want to go and
they said, "Fine, that's up to you.
"You're old enough to make your own
mind up," and left me in the house.
My Insta went mental.
Loads of jealous little kids
imagining the perfect life
with no rules.
Now I'm rich. The end.
They left you on your own?
I wanted to stay.
Yeah, kids want to eat ice cream
that's been dropped in shit -
they shouldn't be allowed.
You got kids? No.
Then what do you know about it?
I used to be one.
Oh, yeah. In the '80s, where your
parents smoked fags around you
and got drunk on Cinzino.
Cinzano. Whatever.
Yeah. They didn't leave us
behind, though.
I don't need them.
I'm my own parents.
Hmm. All right.
Shall we?
Well, splurge it down.
Splurge it down? No?
Do you know much
about blood spatter?
About as much
as you know about Instagram.
Then listen carefully.
From the scene,
I can tell you straight away
it wasn't the shock
that killed him.
It wasn't? No.
It caused him to spasm, sure,
which meant that
he thrashed around here,
eventually hitting his head
on this cabinet.
Ew. The blood on that wall
was from the head injury -
violent involuntary convulsions
from the shock.
Resulting in light to moderate
blood spatter,
simple enough to remove
from non-porous surfaces.
You'd be amazed how much blood
comes from a head injury.
So, that was what killed him?
A third-degree abrasion?
Oh, my sweet child,
I very much doubt it.
No, he's not done yet.
So he's thrashing around
at the end of a live wire,
receiving electrical burns
at the point of contact,
leading to a bit more
of the old
Light to moderate blood spatter.
Very good. Yes.
Now, eventually,
he's thrown this way,
where he lands here,
on your glass coffee table.
So, it wasn't the arcade machine
that killed him?
Glass severs arteries.
What does glass do?
Severs arteries.
And arteries are connected to
The heart. Nature's pump.
Pump Up The Jam.
It's a song.
It doesn't matter.
Can I do it?
I don't know.
Can you?
I was just saying you can have a go.
You should have a go at it.
Ah.
What was that?
No good?
Have you any idea how much blood
the heart pumps around the body?
Put some welly into it!
Now we're talking.
I think you're ready
Sorry.
I think you're ready.
Enough? Is this what it looked like?
Yeah, it's pretty good.
We just missed one bit.
What the fuck?!
Oh. Sorry, I was just
What the actual fuck?!
I thought I'd lost you.
Blimey.
Is that a Home Alone Hosea look?
One of them.
I had to change, because somebody
squirted jam in my face.
Yeah, sorry about that.
Got a bit carried away.
Why would you do that?
For fun? Oh, yeah,
cos squirting jam
all over someone is so fun.
You want to have a laugh
more often, you do, mate.
Bet you've never been in there
either, have you?
What?
Four or five cans, couple of
tequilas, I'd be straight in there.
It's for fish.
You and your mates
have never jumped in there
when you're pissed? I don't drink.
What?!
Why?!
I guess cos I'm not
a total loser, that's why.
You've got some space hoppers
back there.
I bet you've never even been on
your space hoppers, have you?
I've got what?
99 Luftballons by Nena
How many followers have you got?
Was five mil,
but this dead guy stream should
get the followers back up.
Five million?
I find it hard enough
to manage five mates.
I only like four of them.
Weasel's on a final warning.
You've got a friend called Weasel?
Yeah. We keep trying
to get rid of him,
but he pulls us back in.
Maybe my life's not so bad.
Neunundneunzig Luftballons
Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont
Hielt man fur Ufos aus dem All
Darum schickte ein ♪
I just think there has to be
some times in your life
where no-one
can get in touch with you.
When you're not online at all.
Do you know what I mean?
Over.
It's not working!
The problem is, a 23-year-old
living in a house
isn't very Home Alone.
People have stopped finding it cute.
Yeah, I get it.
Classic Michael Jackson syndrome.
I am not like Michael Jackson!
Whoa!
I don't mean full-blown
weird Michael Jackson.
I mean, you know, when people
first started going,
"Oh. His best friend's a monkey,
is it?
"A monkey?"
People are saying I'm weird.
Like Tom Cruise.
So what does it matter
what a load of strangers think?
Turn your computer off -
job done.
What am I going to do?
Become a cleaner?
I'm a crime scene cleaner.
Ah!
Neunundneunzig Kriegsminister
Streichholz und Benzinkanister
Hielten sich fur schlaue Leute
Witterten schon fette Beute
Riefen "Krieg!" Und wollten Macht
Mann, wer hatte das gedacht
Dass es einmal so weit kommt
Wegen neunundneunzig #
Whoa!
Have you seen? Looks good, right?
Yeah, bro, sweet.
We've got the livestream
ready to go. Come on.
Who IS that?
My manager.
Oh, he's your manager?
Right. I just thought
he was the village idiot.
He manages all the big influencers.
Come on.
What? What do you mean?
Well, you've got to be in it.
What? Why?
Well, to make it look proper.
You can clean up in the background.
Clean up the mess
we've just made? Get lost.
Please.
This is a big deal for me.
Yeah, great. So this is Baxter.
He's our senior consultant
demographer,
so he'll be across, like,
live traffic analysis,
updating user profiles
and multi-platform brand reach
..and that.
Fuck me, there's two of him.
Dude, can you startthingy?
Cleaning? Is that the word
you're struggling for?
We are going live any second,
broski.
Well, I mean,
I could rub it with this,
but I'll tell you now, without
the correct chemical formula,
it's just a man moving jam
around a floor.
Please, I'm trying to get
into the right headspace.
I've got standards.
I don't want other crime scene
cleaners seeing this.
Two out of the three of them
are real gossips.
I don't want them chatting shit
about me on the WhatsApp group.
You know what that's like. Please!
Hey, guys and girls
and my nonbinary friends.
So, yesterday,
something mad happened.
Y'all know how much I love the '80s,
so I figured what's more '80s
than an original '80s cabinet?
Bummer alert!
It wasn't wired properly, like,
a fuse had gone or something.
This is when things get freaky.
So this guy came round to fix it
and was, like, super sweet,
but there was, like,
a massive problem with the machine
and it's, like, totally killed him.
So the police sent some
clean-up guy to, like,
clean up and that,
but I just wanted my Hoseas to know
what's been going on with me.
Oh, my God,
look at what is going on.
My poor little cleaner guy.
Isn't he cute?
So, apparently, it wasn't
the shock that killed him.
That's why there was so much blood.
That's what you were saying, right?
Uh Yes?
Well, tell Tell the guys
what you were saying about,
you know,
the coffee table and something about
the artery.
Oh.
Oh.
You can see from the blood
on the wall
that this was actually
the first injury.
The victim would have fallen
and hit his head here,
against this cabinet,
causing this blood spatter pattern.
But it wasn't the head injury
that killed him, was it?
That's what you were telling me.
Oh, no, no.
This is actually nowhere near
as bad as it looks.
You can see that from
The blood pattern
is actually quite localised
from the abrasion.
Ooh.
What is this?
Mm. Sticky!
Ooh, now, that is interesting.
That's actually
the victim's wedding ring.
You see, during electrocution,
even the small muscles
in the hand,
they would tighten,
causing it to fall off.
It's intriguing what you find out
about victims in this job.
From that,
we know he was married.
From a picture I found
in his wallet earlier,
I can tell you
he had three small children.
Shut up!
This is not about the dead guy!
Not cool, bro!
OK, the stuff about the kids
was too much.
Let's go again!
Please! You're cancelled.
You're cancelled. You're done.
Me? You are cancelled.
We'll rebrand. We can't rebrand.
New vibes, new things.
You can't uncancel a cancel.
I'm done. This is done. You're done.
You're cancelled. And we're done.
And I'm out. OK?
I'm out.
I bought you a cola-flavoured soda.
They're not allowed to call it Coke
for legal reasons.
And because it tastes like piss.
They'll forget.
They'll never forget.
It's there forever.
Where? In the cloud.
Is it?
You been sending dick pics, Grandad?
No.
Wish I was born in the '80s.
Yeah, it was good.
No internet.
No phones.
Endless summers.
Yeah, all right, I get it.
The Exxon Valdez oil spill.
The Challenger disaster.
Chernobyl.
What? Yeah.
The '80s are just like now -
really great and really shitty.
Don't believe the hype.
Ugh. Jam everywhere.
Yeah. Funny, innit?
In many ways, it's harder
to get out than blood.
I'm like Lady Macbeth.
Out, damned jam?
You've not seen it, have you?
No. No.
Course you haven't.
I'll show you a good way
to get jam out.
You're not going to I am.
But you haven't even got jam
on you. No.
I've got no jam on me.
I'm going to jump in the pond
just for the sake of it.
Oi.
Put your phone away.
Just do a thing.
Fuck it!
Oh, God, it's freezing!
That is actually awful.
What's that smell?
That's fish shit.
And duck shit.
Ugh! We should've
just jumped in the hot tub.
In the what?
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right, this is better.
Mm. We're like
the Real Housewives of Atlanta.
I know! Right?
You've not seen it, have you?
No.
So, what happened next,
after you jumped in a pond
in the '80s?
Oh, my mum'd bollock us
for getting wet
and then feed us watery minced beef.
My life's not so bad, is it?
No!
But maybe leave Hosea at home
for a bit.
Go and see some
real-world stuff, eh?
What is your real name?
Bernard.
Yeah, stick with Hosea.
Bernard.
You do know Home Alone
was filmed in the '90s, right?
It's not '80s.
It's been pointed out to me.
Ah.
Now the '90s
..they were amazing.