The Dana Carvey Show (1996) s01e05 Episode Script
The Pepsi Stuff Dana Carvey Show
1
All right, we are back here with Quentin
Tarantino.
So Quentin, your new movie is terrific.
Dusk Until Dawn is a good picture.
Thanks, thanks.
It's really kind of weird.
Acting in a movie instead of directing it.
It's weird.
Yeah, it's got to be weird.
Suddenly you are on camera.
What is this now?
You are crazy.
You are on camera.
It's crazy.
You know what I'm saying?
It's crazy.
It's like you are vulnerable.
You know?
That's right.
It's like you.
You don't even know what's going on.
You're out at noon.
I direct movies, you know, I direct
movies, and I compare to other up.
But it's great.
It's like I'm one of the two Darren.
It's weird, but it's a wonderful thing.
It's weird, but it's great.
Now you're dating an actress, Mia Salvi.
No, that's a wonderful thing.
It's a wonderful, wonderful thing.
You know.
She just won an Oscar.
Colonel, we're getting some sort of
disturbance.
I can't identify it.
Sounds bad.
We better take decisive action.
This is Colonel Howard.
Fire missiles at Sector 6, Fiverr,
Niner, 3-0-Alpha-Burbank-Niner.
From
the ABC Broadcast Center in New York,
it's the Pepsi Stuff Dana Carvey Show.
Pepsi is chock full
of vitamins, chock full
of minerals, high in
fiber and electrolytes.
Pepsi repels mosquitoes, will lower the
crime rate, brings old people back to life.
When you drink a Pepsi, you can understand
what elephants say to other elephants.
If you're taking a cab and
you need some change,
you can ask Pepsi,
it'll loan you a dollar.
Cause Pepsi likes everyone, except for its
father.
They've had a bad relationship,
but nobody's perfect.
Before you judge Pepsi, look in the
mirror.
When was the last time you called your
dad?
Now here's our host with the most
Dana Carvey!
Thank you!
I hope they don't edit that part down.
Cause it feels so good.
Buttocks tingling feel good, yes?
Well, thanks for coming to our meager
little show.
I want to thank Pepsi.
Pretty good stuff.
That's some weird, wild stuff,
huh?
You know the drill.
Now this is where I ask you guys if you
want to ask me any questions.
Okay?
So, yes, sir.
Hi, how are you Emmett Kelley's junior?
Well, Dana, I just wanted to
ask you if now that you're in
New York, if you'd had a
chance to meet your stalker yet.
Um
No, I actually, I,
I I haven't, I
Security, security.
Freaks in the front row.
Security.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Is that a woman?
What the hell is on your head?
You have a father who wants you to marry a
nice young man.
You have cow dung on your cranium.
Yes, bearded man.
Testosterone man, yes.
Nicolas Cage just won an Academy Award.
You appeared in a movie with Nicolas Cage.
Yeah.
How does that make you feel?
Oh, it makes me feel great.
He's a wonderful guy.
Remember, we did this movie called Trapped
and
And, um
Nicolas Cage, I remember
one day we had to get to the set,
and he was having some
water, and I said, Nicolas, let's go.
Don't, don't, don't, don't
Put the water down, let's go.
And he looked at me and said, Don't ever
ask me to stop drinking.
Uh,
next to the freak woman, yes.
I'm a freak woman, stand up.
This is the diversity you get in New York.
Nothing.
I'm not.
Someone stole my hand.
Are you a crazy man between the ages of 18
and 65 who talks to himself?
Do people shun you because you talk to
yourself?
One nickel.
Reagan!
Nixon!
Screw him!
Don't mind him, darling.
He's just a crazy man.
He, no.
No.
Screw Nixon!
Well, Crazy Buddies has just the thing for
you.
Keep it up.
I'll get a potato in my pants.
It's simple and scientific.
Just visit our plush offices at 649 East
17th Street.
Once there, you'll be asked to make a
personal videotape.
You're Fight me!
Then, your tape will be studied by trained
technicians.
You'll be matched with another crazy
person who talks to himself.
So when you wander
the streets, passers-by will
think you're having
an actual conversation.
And they did it.
And they did it.
Why'd they do it?
Why'd they do it?
Screw it!
Screw it!
The government's got a chip in my head.
Why'd they
The government's got a chip in my head.
Why'd they do it?
Crazy Buddies accepts
Visa, rocks, potatoes,
coiled, string, rolled,
yellow newspapers.
Enjoy the show.
Can I help you?
Uh, two tickets for Advanced Highway?
Yeah, two!
Two tickets!
Sixty dollars.
Okay.
Yes?
All done, ma'am.
Yeah, all done.
All right.
How much did we agree to?
Ten dollars each?
Yeah, ten dollars.
All right.
Now, uh, wait right here, and I'll get
your money.
Okay, we'll wait right here.
Uh-huh.
All this month on HBO.
Hello, I'm Rich Little.
Please join me this Easter for my new
special, Rich Little's Story of Jesus,
where it'll be all
completely me, Rich Little,
portraying famous people
as characters from the Bible.
See Tricky Dick Nixon as the Archangel
Gabriel.
My fellow Israelites, I am not a ghost.
Here's Johnny the Baptist.
Wait, uh, it sure is wet here in the lake.
How wet is it?
It's so wet that the best parts of Dolly
Parton are the only things staying afloat.
That bumbling duo.
Laurel and Hardy as the three Wisemen.
Stanley, did you forget the myrrh?
I'm sorry, Olly.
Oh!
Carol Channing as the Virgin Mary.
Well, hello, Jesus.
Yes, hello, Jesus.
Also, everyone's favorite skin flip,
Jack Benny, will be there as King Herod.
Well, you say you can bring this Jesus to
me for 30 pieces of silver.
I'm fanking, I'm fanking.
By the way, you can stop kneeling.
Well, I'm not kneeling, I'm standing.
Newman Capote as Judas.
And who else but the King of Common as
you-know-who.
Consider the lilies of the field.
In fact, once I shot
a lily in the field,
how a lily got in my
field, I'll never know.
And you never know who else is going to
pop up.
Stone that woman, she's a prostitute.
Television's Paul Lynde with Edith Bunker
as Mary Magdalene.
Oh, Archie, I'm a prostitute.
Oh.
And of course, great musical numbers.
Hello, I must be going.
It's strange to say, I came to say,
I must be going.
The All Rich Little, Rich Little's One Man
Easter on HBO.
Happy Easter, Rich.
And it's all completely me.
And now, waiters who are nauseated by
food.
Good evening.
My name is Roger.
This is my back waiter, Stuart.
And we'll be serving you this evening.
Do you need a few minutes before ordering?
Actually, could you tell us the specials?
Okay.
All right.
Our soup today is a creamy fish chowder.
With chunks of potatoes, corn.
And scallops.
$7.95.
We have a
We have a milk-fed veal with a mint jelly.
And that
That comes with asparagus tips and an
olive caper sauce.
$17.95.
Today's seafood is
Today's seafood is flounder.
It's sautéed in a
Spicy butter sauce and served on a bed of
steamed leeks.
We also have a cob salad with a warm bacon
cream dressing.
Our final special is
Our final special is chicken.
I can't.
Chicken.
Uh You know what?
I think we're just gonna skip the
specials.
Okay?
I'm We're just fine.
Okay?
Can we just have some water?
Water.
Water.
Certainly.
And maybe some bread.
Meanwhile, at Bobby O's house
Many have tried to capture the essence of
our most complex president.
Now, Oliver Stone brings them all
together.
Nixons.
With Anthony Hopkins.
The press isn't gonna take this away from
me.
I'm not giving up Mitchell.
Rip Torn.
If we let them take Mitchell, we can save
Bob Haldeman.
Bo Bridges.
Why are we worried about Haldeman?
There's nothing on those tapes that can
screw me.
And Rich Litter.
I am not a crook.
A film that captures all interpretations.
Allowing the audience to see every nuance
of a tortured man.
Darting knee.
Why didn't they shave?
Cupid's weave.
Kid.
International.
Tolerate.
Why do people hate me, Pat?
I am not a crook.
JFK.
I am.
He's the bloody golden boy.
Come to bed, Dix.
From darkness to glory.
Some scenes also featuring a guy in a
Nixon mask.
From the high points to the low points.
Dix, why are you cutting yourself off from
the rest of us?
You're hiding, Dix.
Dix.
Mr. Nixon is finished.
We'll take our plate.
Yummy, yummy, yummy, Nixon, really,
yummy!
One man.
Five actors.
And the wizardry of OliverOstag.
Nixon's.
He was not a crook.
The Key Wives.
Do it.
Do it.
So, um, how much
for, uh 50 bucks.
Okay.
How much for, uh, both of us?
Yeah, both of us at the same time.
Both of you?
150 bucks.
Okay.
Both of us at the same time.
Twice.
Yeah, both of us at the same time.
Twice.
Three hundred dollars.
I'll need the money up front.
Okay.
Okay, I'll be right back.
I'm just gonna go get ready.
Okay.
We'll be right here.
Yeah.
Let's go!
Let's go!
Let's go!
Let's go!
Let's go!
BBC One now interrupts
its regular programming
for this announcement
by the Prince of Wales.
Good evening.
As you are fully aware, I have entered
into divorce proceedings with my wife,
the Princess of Wales.
Throughout these proceedings, the people
of Great Britain have had to suffer
through humiliating accounts of our
frequent separations, our extramarital
affairs, and that whole tampon phone call
thing.
Were these proceedings to drag on,
it would cause unmanageable strain on the
royal family, as well as the morale of our
great nation.
That is why tonight, I am
appealing to the public to
restore the monocular right to
have one's spouse beheaded.
As shocking as it may seem, the tradition
of cranial departure from torsio-medial
area is a vital part of
the royal family and its
proud heritage, dating
back to King Henry VIII.
My great, great, great, great,
great, great, great, great, great,
great, great, great, gran
pah-pah-pah-pah
Imagine the relief I and
all of us will feel when
her head, Diana, is
separated from her torso.
No more tabloid reports, no more divorce
proceedings, the country moving forward
again, third quarter growth, less crime,
less poverty, all without that raving,
alimony-grubbing,
32-million-pound-wanting, castle-coveting,
health club-going, gallivanting, Major
Hewitt-mounting, common little wretch.
But I'm not bitter.
I realize the concept
of spousal cephalohedal
extraction is a lot
to absorb all at once.
Perhaps I could put it best in a song.
When I think of her smile
and her soft white skin,
I can't help but remember
the way it had been.
Oh, my heart's full
of sadness, and I have
just one wish, that I
could chop a head off.
Henry VIII did it a lot.
As for some of his wife's heads off,
that's exactly what he got.
Royalty today just sucks.
I used to chop ladies' heads off for a
couple of yonks.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
I swear I never would've
wetter, if I'd known
that I never would
be able to behead her.
I know what's right, I know what's fair,
a body here, a head over there.
Mystical, magical, bloody, kind of a
pedicle.
Take me on a trip throughout the moniless
land.
Both
will be waiting for me there.
Mystical cuts off head.
Take me by the hand.
The Pain and Carvey Show will continue in
a moment, here on ABC.
We screwed up, my man!
We screwed up!
We screwed up!
We screwed up!
We screwed up!
We screwed up!
Look what's real!
Wait, what's a gun?
Hold on, give me hope.
He wakes up.
All right, we are back here with Quentin
Tarantino.
So Quentin, your new movie is terrific.
Dusk Until Dawn is a good picture.
Thanks, thanks.
It's really kind of weird.
Acting in a movie instead of directing it.
It's weird.
Yeah, it's got to be weird.
Suddenly you are on camera.
What is this now?
You are crazy.
You are on camera.
It's crazy.
You know what I'm saying?
It's crazy.
It's like you are vulnerable.
You know?
That's right.
It's like you.
You don't even know what's going on.
You're out at noon.
I direct movies, you know, I direct
movies, and I compare to other up.
But it's great.
It's like I'm one of the two Darren.
It's weird, but it's a wonderful thing.
It's weird, but it's great.
Now you're dating an actress, Mia Salvi.
No, that's a wonderful thing.
It's a wonderful, wonderful thing.
You know.
She just won an Oscar.
Colonel, we're getting some sort of
disturbance.
I can't identify it.
Sounds bad.
We better take decisive action.
This is Colonel Howard.
Fire missiles at Sector 6, Fiverr,
Niner, 3-0-Alpha-Burbank-Niner.
From
the ABC Broadcast Center in New York,
it's the Pepsi Stuff Dana Carvey Show.
Pepsi is chock full
of vitamins, chock full
of minerals, high in
fiber and electrolytes.
Pepsi repels mosquitoes, will lower the
crime rate, brings old people back to life.
When you drink a Pepsi, you can understand
what elephants say to other elephants.
If you're taking a cab and
you need some change,
you can ask Pepsi,
it'll loan you a dollar.
Cause Pepsi likes everyone, except for its
father.
They've had a bad relationship,
but nobody's perfect.
Before you judge Pepsi, look in the
mirror.
When was the last time you called your
dad?
Now here's our host with the most
Dana Carvey!
Thank you!
I hope they don't edit that part down.
Cause it feels so good.
Buttocks tingling feel good, yes?
Well, thanks for coming to our meager
little show.
I want to thank Pepsi.
Pretty good stuff.
That's some weird, wild stuff,
huh?
You know the drill.
Now this is where I ask you guys if you
want to ask me any questions.
Okay?
So, yes, sir.
Hi, how are you Emmett Kelley's junior?
Well, Dana, I just wanted to
ask you if now that you're in
New York, if you'd had a
chance to meet your stalker yet.
Um
No, I actually, I,
I I haven't, I
Security, security.
Freaks in the front row.
Security.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Is that a woman?
What the hell is on your head?
You have a father who wants you to marry a
nice young man.
You have cow dung on your cranium.
Yes, bearded man.
Testosterone man, yes.
Nicolas Cage just won an Academy Award.
You appeared in a movie with Nicolas Cage.
Yeah.
How does that make you feel?
Oh, it makes me feel great.
He's a wonderful guy.
Remember, we did this movie called Trapped
and
And, um
Nicolas Cage, I remember
one day we had to get to the set,
and he was having some
water, and I said, Nicolas, let's go.
Don't, don't, don't, don't
Put the water down, let's go.
And he looked at me and said, Don't ever
ask me to stop drinking.
Uh,
next to the freak woman, yes.
I'm a freak woman, stand up.
This is the diversity you get in New York.
Nothing.
I'm not.
Someone stole my hand.
Are you a crazy man between the ages of 18
and 65 who talks to himself?
Do people shun you because you talk to
yourself?
One nickel.
Reagan!
Nixon!
Screw him!
Don't mind him, darling.
He's just a crazy man.
He, no.
No.
Screw Nixon!
Well, Crazy Buddies has just the thing for
you.
Keep it up.
I'll get a potato in my pants.
It's simple and scientific.
Just visit our plush offices at 649 East
17th Street.
Once there, you'll be asked to make a
personal videotape.
You're Fight me!
Then, your tape will be studied by trained
technicians.
You'll be matched with another crazy
person who talks to himself.
So when you wander
the streets, passers-by will
think you're having
an actual conversation.
And they did it.
And they did it.
Why'd they do it?
Why'd they do it?
Screw it!
Screw it!
The government's got a chip in my head.
Why'd they
The government's got a chip in my head.
Why'd they do it?
Crazy Buddies accepts
Visa, rocks, potatoes,
coiled, string, rolled,
yellow newspapers.
Enjoy the show.
Can I help you?
Uh, two tickets for Advanced Highway?
Yeah, two!
Two tickets!
Sixty dollars.
Okay.
Yes?
All done, ma'am.
Yeah, all done.
All right.
How much did we agree to?
Ten dollars each?
Yeah, ten dollars.
All right.
Now, uh, wait right here, and I'll get
your money.
Okay, we'll wait right here.
Uh-huh.
All this month on HBO.
Hello, I'm Rich Little.
Please join me this Easter for my new
special, Rich Little's Story of Jesus,
where it'll be all
completely me, Rich Little,
portraying famous people
as characters from the Bible.
See Tricky Dick Nixon as the Archangel
Gabriel.
My fellow Israelites, I am not a ghost.
Here's Johnny the Baptist.
Wait, uh, it sure is wet here in the lake.
How wet is it?
It's so wet that the best parts of Dolly
Parton are the only things staying afloat.
That bumbling duo.
Laurel and Hardy as the three Wisemen.
Stanley, did you forget the myrrh?
I'm sorry, Olly.
Oh!
Carol Channing as the Virgin Mary.
Well, hello, Jesus.
Yes, hello, Jesus.
Also, everyone's favorite skin flip,
Jack Benny, will be there as King Herod.
Well, you say you can bring this Jesus to
me for 30 pieces of silver.
I'm fanking, I'm fanking.
By the way, you can stop kneeling.
Well, I'm not kneeling, I'm standing.
Newman Capote as Judas.
And who else but the King of Common as
you-know-who.
Consider the lilies of the field.
In fact, once I shot
a lily in the field,
how a lily got in my
field, I'll never know.
And you never know who else is going to
pop up.
Stone that woman, she's a prostitute.
Television's Paul Lynde with Edith Bunker
as Mary Magdalene.
Oh, Archie, I'm a prostitute.
Oh.
And of course, great musical numbers.
Hello, I must be going.
It's strange to say, I came to say,
I must be going.
The All Rich Little, Rich Little's One Man
Easter on HBO.
Happy Easter, Rich.
And it's all completely me.
And now, waiters who are nauseated by
food.
Good evening.
My name is Roger.
This is my back waiter, Stuart.
And we'll be serving you this evening.
Do you need a few minutes before ordering?
Actually, could you tell us the specials?
Okay.
All right.
Our soup today is a creamy fish chowder.
With chunks of potatoes, corn.
And scallops.
$7.95.
We have a
We have a milk-fed veal with a mint jelly.
And that
That comes with asparagus tips and an
olive caper sauce.
$17.95.
Today's seafood is
Today's seafood is flounder.
It's sautéed in a
Spicy butter sauce and served on a bed of
steamed leeks.
We also have a cob salad with a warm bacon
cream dressing.
Our final special is
Our final special is chicken.
I can't.
Chicken.
Uh You know what?
I think we're just gonna skip the
specials.
Okay?
I'm We're just fine.
Okay?
Can we just have some water?
Water.
Water.
Certainly.
And maybe some bread.
Meanwhile, at Bobby O's house
Many have tried to capture the essence of
our most complex president.
Now, Oliver Stone brings them all
together.
Nixons.
With Anthony Hopkins.
The press isn't gonna take this away from
me.
I'm not giving up Mitchell.
Rip Torn.
If we let them take Mitchell, we can save
Bob Haldeman.
Bo Bridges.
Why are we worried about Haldeman?
There's nothing on those tapes that can
screw me.
And Rich Litter.
I am not a crook.
A film that captures all interpretations.
Allowing the audience to see every nuance
of a tortured man.
Darting knee.
Why didn't they shave?
Cupid's weave.
Kid.
International.
Tolerate.
Why do people hate me, Pat?
I am not a crook.
JFK.
I am.
He's the bloody golden boy.
Come to bed, Dix.
From darkness to glory.
Some scenes also featuring a guy in a
Nixon mask.
From the high points to the low points.
Dix, why are you cutting yourself off from
the rest of us?
You're hiding, Dix.
Dix.
Mr. Nixon is finished.
We'll take our plate.
Yummy, yummy, yummy, Nixon, really,
yummy!
One man.
Five actors.
And the wizardry of OliverOstag.
Nixon's.
He was not a crook.
The Key Wives.
Do it.
Do it.
So, um, how much
for, uh 50 bucks.
Okay.
How much for, uh, both of us?
Yeah, both of us at the same time.
Both of you?
150 bucks.
Okay.
Both of us at the same time.
Twice.
Yeah, both of us at the same time.
Twice.
Three hundred dollars.
I'll need the money up front.
Okay.
Okay, I'll be right back.
I'm just gonna go get ready.
Okay.
We'll be right here.
Yeah.
Let's go!
Let's go!
Let's go!
Let's go!
Let's go!
BBC One now interrupts
its regular programming
for this announcement
by the Prince of Wales.
Good evening.
As you are fully aware, I have entered
into divorce proceedings with my wife,
the Princess of Wales.
Throughout these proceedings, the people
of Great Britain have had to suffer
through humiliating accounts of our
frequent separations, our extramarital
affairs, and that whole tampon phone call
thing.
Were these proceedings to drag on,
it would cause unmanageable strain on the
royal family, as well as the morale of our
great nation.
That is why tonight, I am
appealing to the public to
restore the monocular right to
have one's spouse beheaded.
As shocking as it may seem, the tradition
of cranial departure from torsio-medial
area is a vital part of
the royal family and its
proud heritage, dating
back to King Henry VIII.
My great, great, great, great,
great, great, great, great, great,
great, great, great, gran
pah-pah-pah-pah
Imagine the relief I and
all of us will feel when
her head, Diana, is
separated from her torso.
No more tabloid reports, no more divorce
proceedings, the country moving forward
again, third quarter growth, less crime,
less poverty, all without that raving,
alimony-grubbing,
32-million-pound-wanting, castle-coveting,
health club-going, gallivanting, Major
Hewitt-mounting, common little wretch.
But I'm not bitter.
I realize the concept
of spousal cephalohedal
extraction is a lot
to absorb all at once.
Perhaps I could put it best in a song.
When I think of her smile
and her soft white skin,
I can't help but remember
the way it had been.
Oh, my heart's full
of sadness, and I have
just one wish, that I
could chop a head off.
Henry VIII did it a lot.
As for some of his wife's heads off,
that's exactly what he got.
Royalty today just sucks.
I used to chop ladies' heads off for a
couple of yonks.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
I swear I never would've
wetter, if I'd known
that I never would
be able to behead her.
I know what's right, I know what's fair,
a body here, a head over there.
Mystical, magical, bloody, kind of a
pedicle.
Take me on a trip throughout the moniless
land.
Both
will be waiting for me there.
Mystical cuts off head.
Take me by the hand.
The Pain and Carvey Show will continue in
a moment, here on ABC.
We screwed up, my man!
We screwed up!
We screwed up!
We screwed up!
We screwed up!
We screwed up!
Look what's real!
Wait, what's a gun?
Hold on, give me hope.
He wakes up.