The Goes Wrong Show (2019) s01e05 Episode Script
Harper's Locket
1
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Welcome back
to play of the week
where each week
a new play
is performed live
in front of
a studio audience
here in Cornley
and broadcast
to the nation.
I am Chris Bean,
the director.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Last week you joined us
for our thrilling unlicensed
sequel to War Horse
entitled More Horse.
I'd like to thank
all those
who wrote in with
their complaints.
The criticisms offered
were as artistically sound
as they were
personally abusive.
Needless to say
I will never again
be performing
my Jamaican accent.
So, tonight's piece
is a period romance.
The actors are prepared.
The stage is set.
Please enjoy,
Harper's Locket.
[SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
Bravo, Celeste.
I always say
you can get the
measure of a girl
by seeing how well
she swings a mallet.
And I always say
you can get
the measure of a man
by seeing how often
he insists upon
measuring ladies.
Now, now, Celeste,
be nice to your fiance.
Your turn, Edwin.
I don't know how
you made that shot.
There's a storm coming,
I can feel it in the air.
Celeste,
the sun
is shining
and the sparrows
are in flight.
[SPARROW CAWING]
How tranquil
it is.
Sparrows
are so beautiful,
I only wish they'd
stay still long enough
for me to paint them.
Go. Go.
Emily, how is
your painting
coming along?
Very nearly
finished, Father.
Well, I can't wait
to see it.
Where is your butler
with that lemonade?
I asked him
for it ten minutes ago.
If he was my man
if he was my man,
I'd have him flogged.
Really Edwin,
I'd never dream
of harming
a member
of my staff.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
I grow weary
of this game.
You're just
worried I'll win.
She's a card,
eh, Edwin?
[GUNSHOT]
Excuse me.
She certainly
is a card,
but that shall all
have to change
when we're married.
Father, please
can we go inside?
Not until
we've had
our lemonade.
Ah! Here comes
Smythe now.
Thank you, Smythe
delicious.
Did Mrs. Hargreaves
make it?
Did you?
Bravo, wonderful.
Shake my hand.
Don't shake
my hand in fact.
Go and open
the wine cellar,
will you?
In fact, don't.
It's unlocked.
On your way.
What a good man.
-I made the lemonade!
-Thank you!
Shall we
go inside?
But we haven't
seen Emily's
painting yet.
Oh, yes, Emily,
do show us your
latest masterpiece.
Oh, Emily,
it's marvelous.
It is the very
likeness of us.
And you've
included a frog.
Yes, that's the only thing
I know how to paint.
What a talent.
Let's head inside.
Hmm.
Celeste?
Cele
Aw, now, come on.
Celeste
aren't you
coming in?
I'm sorry, Father.
Celeste, you seem
most distracted
most distracted
this afternoon.
Do I?
What do you
think of Edwin?
He is a fine
gentleman.
And a splendid
match.
Seems very keen on you.
I'm sure you'll be
most happy with him.
And he
with my dowry.
Please, Celeste,
you know I am not
long for this world.
[MOCK HACKING]
I am weak
and drawn.
[MOCK HACKING]
This wicked illness
grips tighter upon
my lungs each day.
[SOFTER MOCK HACKING]
Please, Papa,
you must rest.
If you drive
away the baron,
who shall
care for you
after I've passed?
I shall care
for myself.
Don't be
ridiculous.
[MOCK HACKING]
I wish to marry
for love.
You must marry
sensibly, Celeste,
love will
naturally follow.
Oh, please,
Father.
[SCREAMS]
Oh, please, Father.
[CLOCK CHIMING]
Time to take
one of your pills.
Thank you.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
My dear, noble Papa,
I'll see you inside.
Yes, see you.
Be it pleasures and palaces
Through we may roam
Be it ever so humble
There's no place like home
-Home
-Home
Sweet, sweet home
There's no place like home
There's no place like home ♪
Emily, I do wish
you'd play more often.
Thanks, Father
Mother always used to say,
practice makes perfect.
[PIANO PLAYS BY ITSELF]
Sweet home
There's no place like home
There's no place like home ♪
Emily, I do wish
you'd play more often.
-Mother always used to say
-[PIANO PLAYS BY ITSELF]
Sweet home
There's no
-[PIANO WINDING DOWN]
There's no
place like
Hoooooooooo-me! ♪
Beautiful. Emily, I do wish
you'd play more often
-Mother always used to say
-[PIANO PLAYS BY ITSELF]
Emily, please
stop practicing.
Yes, I'd like
to stop practicing!
We'd all like you
to stop practicing!
You must stop practicing!
I will.
[CAT YOWLING]
[CAT GROANING]
Emily,
I do wish
you'd play
more often.
Yes. Mother always used to say
practice makes perfect.
Well, not
in this case.
Where's Celeste?
She's sitting
a while longer
in the garden.
Oh, yes, it's almost four.
She'll be waiting for Harper
to come back from riding.
-Harper?
-Our stable boy.
Celeste really
is obsessed
with horses.
Mmm, horses.
Harper!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Hello, Harper.
Hello, Harper!
Oh! Good afternoon,
Miss Fennick.
And hello, Treacle.
How are you, girl?
Neigh!
Why don't you join us
for supper, Harper?
The thistles must not grow
amongst the fine roses, Miss.
Oh Harper, I do so admire
how you see the world.
So simple, so pure
so gentle.
I ain't nothing
special, Miss.
I brought some oats
from the pantry
for your friend here.
Eat up, Treacle.
[VACUUM SOUND]
Ahh! Ahh! Uh-uh.
She was hungry.
Neigh.
-Harper
-Miss Fennick.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Get back indoors,
Miss Fenwick,
you don't want
to get caught in the rain.
Goodbye, Harper.
Come on, girl.
Clop-clip, clop-clip.
Clip-clop.
Oh, are we
both horses?
Ah, Celeste.
Edwin.
I meant
every word.
-Please stop.
-I must have you, Emily.
Edwin, it's over,
you are marrying
my sister.
A marriage
of convenience.
My father
wants a dowry,
yours a title,
nothing more.
Oh, Edwin.
[CAT SNARLING]
[MASKING CAT SNARL]
Edwin,
you must listen
to what I'm saying,
but I don't want
to hurt you.
[GUNSHOT]
Excuse me.
But father is ill,
and if he were
to find out
about you and I
I
I fear he could not
stand the shock.
Then you ought not
to break it off
with me.
If you do, I'll see
your father
learns everything.
I don't understand
what you mean.
Kiss me!
No, Edwin!
Emily!
Emily,
come back!
Emily! Emily!
Emily!
Stable boy.
Stable boy!
Sir.
You didn't
see anything
just now, did you?
Nothing
at all, sir.
What a
charming animal.
That's a nice locket
you've got there.
It belonged
to my mother.
Of course.
I didn't imagine
you could afford
such fine things.
I could
help you
with that.
Take this.
No.
Take this.
No.
Take this.
No.
Take this.
Don't take it.
No, I couldn't
possibly, sir.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
No, no
I insist.
No. I insist!
Do I take it?
No, you're a horse!
You've got nothing
to spend it on.
Apples.
Horses don't
buy apples.
They would
if they had money.
Shut up!
Take it!
There's a good chap.
[VACUUM BLOWING]
Come on, girl.
Oh!
Whinny.
Canter. Canter.
Clop, clop, clop. Canter.
Clop, clop, clop, clop.
Smythe!
Sir?
Fetch Mr. Fennick,
would you?
Sir.
I'll be damned if
a stable boy is going to
cost me my dowry.
Edwin?
Ah, Mr. Fennick,
may I speak
with you privately?
Of course. Step out,
will you, Smythe?
Yes, sir.
It's rather
unfortunate.
I left my wallet
on the dining table
just now
and when I came back,
I found a pound note missing.
Good lord.
And, I hate to say it
but I saw your man
Harper leave
pretty sharpish
when I came in.
Harper, a thief?
Thank heavens
Smythe didn't
hear you say that.
He's like a father
to that boy.
As I say,
rather unfortunate.
I'll send
for him now.
Smythe!
Come in here,
will you?
-Sir?
-Smythe!
Go and fetch Harper
from the stables,
would you?
-Of course, sir.
-Yes, I need
to have a word with him.
Sorry about
all this, Edwin.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
I'm so sorry
about all this, Edwin.
Oh, not at all.
It's hardly your fault.
Well, that's jolly
decent of you.
Mr. Fennick.
You wanted
to see me, sir?
There you are, Harper.
Smythe, wait inside,
would you?
As you wish, sir.
I'd rather
you didn't
hear this. Now
Turn out
[HIGH PITCHED SCREAMING]
Turn out your pockets,
Harper.
What's this about, sir?
Don't play
the fool with me.
What do you mean?
We all know
you've taken
the Baron's money.
-I've done no such thing.
-Then how do you explain this
bubble gum.
How do you explain
this bubble gum? This hasn't
been invented yet.
But also
how do you
explain this?
A handful
of milk sachets.
You're not supposed
to take these
from the canteen!
But also
how do you
explain this?
Dr. Frog Script.
"Enter Dr. Frog.
Look at these medical reports
they're ribbiting."
Did you write this?
This is dross!
Thank you.
-Where's the money?
-Oh, yes.
Not your
contemporary money.
The money
in the play.
Oh, oh.
Then how do you explain
this one pound note?
Mr. Graves insisted
I take it from him, sir.
I did nothing of the sort,
you common thief.
What's going on?
It pains me greatly
to do this, Harper.
But you're relieved
of your post.
Harper!
This is awful.
Oh, yes.
Here, take my locket
as a token of my love.
When everyone
sleeps tonight
meet me here
and like the swallows
heading south
for warmer climes,
we too shall fly
and start a new life.
Oh, Harper,
but now, go.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Bray.
Until tonight
my love.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
Whinny, whinny.
Time to take
your pill, Father.
Ah, I suppose.
[CHUCKLES]
Feeling better, Father?
Much better.
[BELL RINGER HITTING FLOOR]
Diggle-lingle-ling.
Dinner is served.
Thank you,
Mrs. Hargreaves.
Thank you, Smythe.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
I was right.
A storm is coming.
Come, Papa,
you must
take your seat
at the head
of the table.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I do love this spot.
What a treat
it is to be dining
with family
and family to be,
but, Celeste,
why do you
look so sad?
I was just thinking
of poor Harper,
the rain is really
coming down now.
Yes, I'd hate
to be out in this.
It's no less
than he deserves.
Chef's finest
roast vegetables.
Oh.
Doesn't that
look good.
And the gravy.
Looks delicious.
I'll just
fetch the wine!
Forgive me,
for such
a happy occasion
there are
more tears
in my eyes
than I anticipated.
But now we must
toast to Celeste,
until now a Fennick
and soon to be
a brand new Graves.
Water, Mr. Fennick?
No, thank you.
I have plenty.
Thank you, Bernard,
for welcoming me
into your family.
Thank you, Emily
for the warmth
you have shown me.
And of course,
Celeste, my love,
I cannot
wait to share
the rest of my life
with you.
Now please,
raise your glasses.
To my daughter Celeste
But of course,
it would not be
right to toast
-my daughter, without toasting
my new son.
-[HAMMERING]
Let us drink as well
to Baron Edwin Graves
-[HAMMERING CONTINUES]
-Oh, if it's not one thing,
it's another.
To Baron Edwin Graves,
[SCREAMING]
the newest member
of the family!
[IN NORMAL VOICE ]Of the family.
-MAN: Fixed it.
-Thank you.
Cheers.
-[HAMMERING]
-[ALL EXCLAIMING]
MAN: Sorry.
What a wonderful
sentiment, father.
My darling, what
an unusual locket.
Wherever
did you get it?
I don't know.
I've had it
for years.
-Is that so?
-It was mother's.
Your mother's locket
was silver.
I'm sure you're
mistaken, Father.
How's your food?
A little dry.
Oh, father,
don't start yet.
We must say grace.
Of course.
-Dear lord
-[CRASHING]
Oh, dear lord!
Bless this food
unto us and us
to your service.
Protect us from harm
and keep us safe
in your kingdom. Amen.
Amen!
[SCREAMING]
Marvelous, let's tuck in.
Emily, could you pass
the horseradish?
Celeste, don't slouch.
You really must try
some of this
cranberry sauce.
Yes, father.
[ALL SCREAMING]
[YELLING]
I, for one am very glad
to be sat here with you all.
And everything
is simply delicious!
[YELLING] Mmmmm!
Where's Smythe
with that rump?
Smythe! Smythe!
Smythe!
[SCREAMING]
[PIANO PLAYING BY ITSELF]
There's no place like home ♪
[CRASHING]
[MAN YELPING]
Oh, good, the rain
has stopped.
Emily, my dear,
when will we be
seeing you marry,
I wonder?
I have no intention
of marrying any time
soon, Father.
So young
to have sworn off
men already! [CHUCKLES]
Indeed
I have, Father.
My little experience
of gentlemen
has taught me
to find them
quite beastly.
Father,
would you
carve the rump?
Please allow me
to season it first, sir.
And I'll
just check
that it is
cooked through.
-No!
-No, Mrs. Hargreaves!
Well
We'll take it as read
that that's fine to eat.
Although
we will not
eat that.
I quite agree
with you, Emily,
there are some gentlemen
who are barely men
and anything
but gentle.
I can't stand
another moment
of this.
Sitting inside
all cozy and warm
and all the while
you are lying to us.
I don't know
what you mean.
Don't play
the fool.
You're wearing
Harper's locket!
[THUNDER CLAPPING]
Your daughter
is planning
to run away
with a common
stable boy.
Is this true,
Celeste?
It is, father.
I love him.
And I love her!
This is too much
for my fragile lungs.
[COUGHING]
Have you no shame?
You're one
to talk. It's time
to come clean.
Emily, please.
Edwin and I
have been
having a liaison.
Oh, my heart!
Can you ever
forgive me, Celeste?
My love, it's time!
We must flee
this cruel house.
You'll not be
going anywhere
without your horse.
[HARPER GASPS]
MAN: Action!
MAN: You're right,
we probably
could've used less.
Treacle!
Treacle, no!
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]
Oh, Edwin!
How could you?
Now that
the horse
is dead,
it's time to put
the dog out
of its misery!
[CELESTE GASPS]
[GUNSHOT]
Celeste, no!
Edwin.
[SCREAMS]
Celeste?
Oh, dear Celeste,
don't die.
Celeste knew
there was a terrible
storm coming.
Look how happy
we were
just a few
hours ago.
Playing croquet
without a care
in the world.
A frog was there.
Oh!
Celeste,
you're alive!
How?
[GASPING]
Harper's locket.
-[THUNDER CLAP]
-Thank God.
But, what
about Treacle?
Treacle?
Treacle?
She's alive,
she's going
to be alright.
[VACUUM STARTING]
No, Treacle! Treacle!
No! Argh! Argh!
Treacle! Treacle
Argh! Argh!
Argh! Argh!
Bray. Bray.
Father,
I'm so sorry
to have caused you
such pain.
My darling girl,
all I ever wanted
was for you
to be happy.
If Harper
makes you happy,
then you have
my blessing,
be he pauper
or prince
he will be part
of our family.
Thank you, sir.
No.
Where's Smythe?
Smythe! You must
hear of this!
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Oh!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Indeed.
Emily, are you
alright?
Of course.
Edwin was
a frightful man
who preyed upon me
in my young naivete.
[GUNSHOT]
Excuse me.
I am so sorry
to have inflicted
that dreadful man
upon you.
Well, I say
good riddance
to him.
[RING CLATTERING]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Look everyone,
the clouds
are clearing.
The storm
has passed.
Harper,
perhaps you'd like
to join us inside.
Thank you, sir.
I feel as though
an awful weight
has been
lifted off
my lungs.
Emily, perhaps
you'd play that song
for us again.
Of course, Father.
[PIANO PLAYING]
Sweet, sweet home
-There's no place like home
-[CAT SCREECHING]
[CAT SNARLING]
There's no place like home ♪
[EMILY SCREAMING]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Welcome back
to play of the week
where each week
a new play
is performed live
in front of
a studio audience
here in Cornley
and broadcast
to the nation.
I am Chris Bean,
the director.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Last week you joined us
for our thrilling unlicensed
sequel to War Horse
entitled More Horse.
I'd like to thank
all those
who wrote in with
their complaints.
The criticisms offered
were as artistically sound
as they were
personally abusive.
Needless to say
I will never again
be performing
my Jamaican accent.
So, tonight's piece
is a period romance.
The actors are prepared.
The stage is set.
Please enjoy,
Harper's Locket.
[SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
Bravo, Celeste.
I always say
you can get the
measure of a girl
by seeing how well
she swings a mallet.
And I always say
you can get
the measure of a man
by seeing how often
he insists upon
measuring ladies.
Now, now, Celeste,
be nice to your fiance.
Your turn, Edwin.
I don't know how
you made that shot.
There's a storm coming,
I can feel it in the air.
Celeste,
the sun
is shining
and the sparrows
are in flight.
[SPARROW CAWING]
How tranquil
it is.
Sparrows
are so beautiful,
I only wish they'd
stay still long enough
for me to paint them.
Go. Go.
Emily, how is
your painting
coming along?
Very nearly
finished, Father.
Well, I can't wait
to see it.
Where is your butler
with that lemonade?
I asked him
for it ten minutes ago.
If he was my man
if he was my man,
I'd have him flogged.
Really Edwin,
I'd never dream
of harming
a member
of my staff.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
I grow weary
of this game.
You're just
worried I'll win.
She's a card,
eh, Edwin?
[GUNSHOT]
Excuse me.
She certainly
is a card,
but that shall all
have to change
when we're married.
Father, please
can we go inside?
Not until
we've had
our lemonade.
Ah! Here comes
Smythe now.
Thank you, Smythe
delicious.
Did Mrs. Hargreaves
make it?
Did you?
Bravo, wonderful.
Shake my hand.
Don't shake
my hand in fact.
Go and open
the wine cellar,
will you?
In fact, don't.
It's unlocked.
On your way.
What a good man.
-I made the lemonade!
-Thank you!
Shall we
go inside?
But we haven't
seen Emily's
painting yet.
Oh, yes, Emily,
do show us your
latest masterpiece.
Oh, Emily,
it's marvelous.
It is the very
likeness of us.
And you've
included a frog.
Yes, that's the only thing
I know how to paint.
What a talent.
Let's head inside.
Hmm.
Celeste?
Cele
Aw, now, come on.
Celeste
aren't you
coming in?
I'm sorry, Father.
Celeste, you seem
most distracted
most distracted
this afternoon.
Do I?
What do you
think of Edwin?
He is a fine
gentleman.
And a splendid
match.
Seems very keen on you.
I'm sure you'll be
most happy with him.
And he
with my dowry.
Please, Celeste,
you know I am not
long for this world.
[MOCK HACKING]
I am weak
and drawn.
[MOCK HACKING]
This wicked illness
grips tighter upon
my lungs each day.
[SOFTER MOCK HACKING]
Please, Papa,
you must rest.
If you drive
away the baron,
who shall
care for you
after I've passed?
I shall care
for myself.
Don't be
ridiculous.
[MOCK HACKING]
I wish to marry
for love.
You must marry
sensibly, Celeste,
love will
naturally follow.
Oh, please,
Father.
[SCREAMS]
Oh, please, Father.
[CLOCK CHIMING]
Time to take
one of your pills.
Thank you.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
My dear, noble Papa,
I'll see you inside.
Yes, see you.
Be it pleasures and palaces
Through we may roam
Be it ever so humble
There's no place like home
-Home
-Home
Sweet, sweet home
There's no place like home
There's no place like home ♪
Emily, I do wish
you'd play more often.
Thanks, Father
Mother always used to say,
practice makes perfect.
[PIANO PLAYS BY ITSELF]
Sweet home
There's no place like home
There's no place like home ♪
Emily, I do wish
you'd play more often.
-Mother always used to say
-[PIANO PLAYS BY ITSELF]
Sweet home
There's no
-[PIANO WINDING DOWN]
There's no
place like
Hoooooooooo-me! ♪
Beautiful. Emily, I do wish
you'd play more often
-Mother always used to say
-[PIANO PLAYS BY ITSELF]
Emily, please
stop practicing.
Yes, I'd like
to stop practicing!
We'd all like you
to stop practicing!
You must stop practicing!
I will.
[CAT YOWLING]
[CAT GROANING]
Emily,
I do wish
you'd play
more often.
Yes. Mother always used to say
practice makes perfect.
Well, not
in this case.
Where's Celeste?
She's sitting
a while longer
in the garden.
Oh, yes, it's almost four.
She'll be waiting for Harper
to come back from riding.
-Harper?
-Our stable boy.
Celeste really
is obsessed
with horses.
Mmm, horses.
Harper!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Hello, Harper.
Hello, Harper!
Oh! Good afternoon,
Miss Fennick.
And hello, Treacle.
How are you, girl?
Neigh!
Why don't you join us
for supper, Harper?
The thistles must not grow
amongst the fine roses, Miss.
Oh Harper, I do so admire
how you see the world.
So simple, so pure
so gentle.
I ain't nothing
special, Miss.
I brought some oats
from the pantry
for your friend here.
Eat up, Treacle.
[VACUUM SOUND]
Ahh! Ahh! Uh-uh.
She was hungry.
Neigh.
-Harper
-Miss Fennick.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Get back indoors,
Miss Fenwick,
you don't want
to get caught in the rain.
Goodbye, Harper.
Come on, girl.
Clop-clip, clop-clip.
Clip-clop.
Oh, are we
both horses?
Ah, Celeste.
Edwin.
I meant
every word.
-Please stop.
-I must have you, Emily.
Edwin, it's over,
you are marrying
my sister.
A marriage
of convenience.
My father
wants a dowry,
yours a title,
nothing more.
Oh, Edwin.
[CAT SNARLING]
[MASKING CAT SNARL]
Edwin,
you must listen
to what I'm saying,
but I don't want
to hurt you.
[GUNSHOT]
Excuse me.
But father is ill,
and if he were
to find out
about you and I
I
I fear he could not
stand the shock.
Then you ought not
to break it off
with me.
If you do, I'll see
your father
learns everything.
I don't understand
what you mean.
Kiss me!
No, Edwin!
Emily!
Emily,
come back!
Emily! Emily!
Emily!
Stable boy.
Stable boy!
Sir.
You didn't
see anything
just now, did you?
Nothing
at all, sir.
What a
charming animal.
That's a nice locket
you've got there.
It belonged
to my mother.
Of course.
I didn't imagine
you could afford
such fine things.
I could
help you
with that.
Take this.
No.
Take this.
No.
Take this.
No.
Take this.
Don't take it.
No, I couldn't
possibly, sir.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
No, no
I insist.
No. I insist!
Do I take it?
No, you're a horse!
You've got nothing
to spend it on.
Apples.
Horses don't
buy apples.
They would
if they had money.
Shut up!
Take it!
There's a good chap.
[VACUUM BLOWING]
Come on, girl.
Oh!
Whinny.
Canter. Canter.
Clop, clop, clop. Canter.
Clop, clop, clop, clop.
Smythe!
Sir?
Fetch Mr. Fennick,
would you?
Sir.
I'll be damned if
a stable boy is going to
cost me my dowry.
Edwin?
Ah, Mr. Fennick,
may I speak
with you privately?
Of course. Step out,
will you, Smythe?
Yes, sir.
It's rather
unfortunate.
I left my wallet
on the dining table
just now
and when I came back,
I found a pound note missing.
Good lord.
And, I hate to say it
but I saw your man
Harper leave
pretty sharpish
when I came in.
Harper, a thief?
Thank heavens
Smythe didn't
hear you say that.
He's like a father
to that boy.
As I say,
rather unfortunate.
I'll send
for him now.
Smythe!
Come in here,
will you?
-Sir?
-Smythe!
Go and fetch Harper
from the stables,
would you?
-Of course, sir.
-Yes, I need
to have a word with him.
Sorry about
all this, Edwin.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
I'm so sorry
about all this, Edwin.
Oh, not at all.
It's hardly your fault.
Well, that's jolly
decent of you.
Mr. Fennick.
You wanted
to see me, sir?
There you are, Harper.
Smythe, wait inside,
would you?
As you wish, sir.
I'd rather
you didn't
hear this. Now
Turn out
[HIGH PITCHED SCREAMING]
Turn out your pockets,
Harper.
What's this about, sir?
Don't play
the fool with me.
What do you mean?
We all know
you've taken
the Baron's money.
-I've done no such thing.
-Then how do you explain this
bubble gum.
How do you explain
this bubble gum? This hasn't
been invented yet.
But also
how do you
explain this?
A handful
of milk sachets.
You're not supposed
to take these
from the canteen!
But also
how do you
explain this?
Dr. Frog Script.
"Enter Dr. Frog.
Look at these medical reports
they're ribbiting."
Did you write this?
This is dross!
Thank you.
-Where's the money?
-Oh, yes.
Not your
contemporary money.
The money
in the play.
Oh, oh.
Then how do you explain
this one pound note?
Mr. Graves insisted
I take it from him, sir.
I did nothing of the sort,
you common thief.
What's going on?
It pains me greatly
to do this, Harper.
But you're relieved
of your post.
Harper!
This is awful.
Oh, yes.
Here, take my locket
as a token of my love.
When everyone
sleeps tonight
meet me here
and like the swallows
heading south
for warmer climes,
we too shall fly
and start a new life.
Oh, Harper,
but now, go.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Bray.
Until tonight
my love.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
Whinny, whinny.
Time to take
your pill, Father.
Ah, I suppose.
[CHUCKLES]
Feeling better, Father?
Much better.
[BELL RINGER HITTING FLOOR]
Diggle-lingle-ling.
Dinner is served.
Thank you,
Mrs. Hargreaves.
Thank you, Smythe.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
I was right.
A storm is coming.
Come, Papa,
you must
take your seat
at the head
of the table.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I do love this spot.
What a treat
it is to be dining
with family
and family to be,
but, Celeste,
why do you
look so sad?
I was just thinking
of poor Harper,
the rain is really
coming down now.
Yes, I'd hate
to be out in this.
It's no less
than he deserves.
Chef's finest
roast vegetables.
Oh.
Doesn't that
look good.
And the gravy.
Looks delicious.
I'll just
fetch the wine!
Forgive me,
for such
a happy occasion
there are
more tears
in my eyes
than I anticipated.
But now we must
toast to Celeste,
until now a Fennick
and soon to be
a brand new Graves.
Water, Mr. Fennick?
No, thank you.
I have plenty.
Thank you, Bernard,
for welcoming me
into your family.
Thank you, Emily
for the warmth
you have shown me.
And of course,
Celeste, my love,
I cannot
wait to share
the rest of my life
with you.
Now please,
raise your glasses.
To my daughter Celeste
But of course,
it would not be
right to toast
-my daughter, without toasting
my new son.
-[HAMMERING]
Let us drink as well
to Baron Edwin Graves
-[HAMMERING CONTINUES]
-Oh, if it's not one thing,
it's another.
To Baron Edwin Graves,
[SCREAMING]
the newest member
of the family!
[IN NORMAL VOICE ]Of the family.
-MAN: Fixed it.
-Thank you.
Cheers.
-[HAMMERING]
-[ALL EXCLAIMING]
MAN: Sorry.
What a wonderful
sentiment, father.
My darling, what
an unusual locket.
Wherever
did you get it?
I don't know.
I've had it
for years.
-Is that so?
-It was mother's.
Your mother's locket
was silver.
I'm sure you're
mistaken, Father.
How's your food?
A little dry.
Oh, father,
don't start yet.
We must say grace.
Of course.
-Dear lord
-[CRASHING]
Oh, dear lord!
Bless this food
unto us and us
to your service.
Protect us from harm
and keep us safe
in your kingdom. Amen.
Amen!
[SCREAMING]
Marvelous, let's tuck in.
Emily, could you pass
the horseradish?
Celeste, don't slouch.
You really must try
some of this
cranberry sauce.
Yes, father.
[ALL SCREAMING]
[YELLING]
I, for one am very glad
to be sat here with you all.
And everything
is simply delicious!
[YELLING] Mmmmm!
Where's Smythe
with that rump?
Smythe! Smythe!
Smythe!
[SCREAMING]
[PIANO PLAYING BY ITSELF]
There's no place like home ♪
[CRASHING]
[MAN YELPING]
Oh, good, the rain
has stopped.
Emily, my dear,
when will we be
seeing you marry,
I wonder?
I have no intention
of marrying any time
soon, Father.
So young
to have sworn off
men already! [CHUCKLES]
Indeed
I have, Father.
My little experience
of gentlemen
has taught me
to find them
quite beastly.
Father,
would you
carve the rump?
Please allow me
to season it first, sir.
And I'll
just check
that it is
cooked through.
-No!
-No, Mrs. Hargreaves!
Well
We'll take it as read
that that's fine to eat.
Although
we will not
eat that.
I quite agree
with you, Emily,
there are some gentlemen
who are barely men
and anything
but gentle.
I can't stand
another moment
of this.
Sitting inside
all cozy and warm
and all the while
you are lying to us.
I don't know
what you mean.
Don't play
the fool.
You're wearing
Harper's locket!
[THUNDER CLAPPING]
Your daughter
is planning
to run away
with a common
stable boy.
Is this true,
Celeste?
It is, father.
I love him.
And I love her!
This is too much
for my fragile lungs.
[COUGHING]
Have you no shame?
You're one
to talk. It's time
to come clean.
Emily, please.
Edwin and I
have been
having a liaison.
Oh, my heart!
Can you ever
forgive me, Celeste?
My love, it's time!
We must flee
this cruel house.
You'll not be
going anywhere
without your horse.
[HARPER GASPS]
MAN: Action!
MAN: You're right,
we probably
could've used less.
Treacle!
Treacle, no!
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]
Oh, Edwin!
How could you?
Now that
the horse
is dead,
it's time to put
the dog out
of its misery!
[CELESTE GASPS]
[GUNSHOT]
Celeste, no!
Edwin.
[SCREAMS]
Celeste?
Oh, dear Celeste,
don't die.
Celeste knew
there was a terrible
storm coming.
Look how happy
we were
just a few
hours ago.
Playing croquet
without a care
in the world.
A frog was there.
Oh!
Celeste,
you're alive!
How?
[GASPING]
Harper's locket.
-[THUNDER CLAP]
-Thank God.
But, what
about Treacle?
Treacle?
Treacle?
She's alive,
she's going
to be alright.
[VACUUM STARTING]
No, Treacle! Treacle!
No! Argh! Argh!
Treacle! Treacle
Argh! Argh!
Argh! Argh!
Bray. Bray.
Father,
I'm so sorry
to have caused you
such pain.
My darling girl,
all I ever wanted
was for you
to be happy.
If Harper
makes you happy,
then you have
my blessing,
be he pauper
or prince
he will be part
of our family.
Thank you, sir.
No.
Where's Smythe?
Smythe! You must
hear of this!
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Oh!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Indeed.
Emily, are you
alright?
Of course.
Edwin was
a frightful man
who preyed upon me
in my young naivete.
[GUNSHOT]
Excuse me.
I am so sorry
to have inflicted
that dreadful man
upon you.
Well, I say
good riddance
to him.
[RING CLATTERING]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Look everyone,
the clouds
are clearing.
The storm
has passed.
Harper,
perhaps you'd like
to join us inside.
Thank you, sir.
I feel as though
an awful weight
has been
lifted off
my lungs.
Emily, perhaps
you'd play that song
for us again.
Of course, Father.
[PIANO PLAYING]
Sweet, sweet home
-There's no place like home
-[CAT SCREECHING]
[CAT SNARLING]
There's no place like home ♪
[EMILY SCREAMING]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]