The Iris Affair (2025) s01e05 Episode Script

1
The following programme contains
strong language.
Er, you're free to come
and go as you please.
Green for go, red for no.
That kind of thing.
There is, er, rather,
an issue with the shareholders.
Money. Mr Pym, I'm on top of it.
I have leverage.
I'll be there in the morning.
(GRUNTS)(GROANS)
Naloxone. Disease and cure, eh?
(SPEAKS ITALIAN):
-This is real?
-Meet me in Rome and I will tell you everything.
"Am I speaking with Alfie Bird?"
If you're ever in London,
feel free to drop by
and I will show you my files.
(ALARM BLARES) It's kind of a
diary. I've hidden it here, in Rome.
You have out done yourself,
my friend.
Mr Bird? Do you have a place
to stay? Can you take me there?
Your diary is a puzzle.
You haven't finished decoding it yet?
'One more code to crack.
Five more pages to read.'
'I need you to find a man
called Jensen.
I need you to get some of his DNA
for me.'
(PEOPLE CHATTER)
(MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY VIA SPEAKERS)
Etta! Ah.
Thanks for coming!
Well, you're looking well, Alfie!
Oh, thank you.
(CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS) So,
how's the novel coming along?
Good! Finished it?
Almost.
I've been thinking if I shouldn't
maybe rework it a little bit.
Make it more of a young adult
sort of thing.
Makes sense.
There's a big market there.
It's where the money is.
Good on you.
I've also been thinking, maybe
I could move into ghost writing.
You know, celebrity biographies,
sportsmen, pop stars, whatnot.
I mean I wrote enough
profiles back in the day.
T-They were good profiles.
(CHUCKLES)
It was the good profiles
that got you in trouble.
Because, strictly speaking,
not all the good bits were yours.
I've gotta move past that, Etta.
I've got to.
So I've been thinking, yeah,
what about this?
I write a mea culpa.
Alfie-No. No. No. Honestly.
I own it. I was under pressure.
I took short cuts
You plagiarised, and you lied.
I amplified.
Cos I was turning in four stories
a day,
I didn't have time to check every
single molecule of fact.
Or write all your own words.
Four stories a day, Etta.
Do you think things have got better
since you left?
It's a dying industry.
Except all I've ever wanted to do
was be a journalist.
OK. Listen.
So I've actually got a story.
(SIGHS) An actual, actual story.
Oh, come on, Alfie.
Seriously. OK.
(INHALES SHARPLY)
So there's this thing. Nine Horses.
(BREATHES SHAKILY)
It's like solving an online mystery.
A puzzle.
Like the Crystal Maze.
But But real.
And massive. But, erm
semi-secret.
Like, counter cultural woo-woo.
And it is fucking awesome.
Best will in the world.
-So what?
-A lot of people think it's a recruitment tool.
For? KGB. CIA.
Maybe some kind erm
Masonic-type conspiracy thing.
What people?
What, "what people" what?
What people think this?
Internet people.
It's rancid bollocks like this
that killed newspapers in the first
place, you do know that?
There's something in this, Etta.
A woman is missing.
OK.
What woman? Iris something.
And she's missing
under what circumstances?
She solved it! Nine Horses.
And? Disappeared.
When? - - At some point.
-Where? - Is she?
Did she disappear from? Unclear.
So what's the story? What - happened to her and why?
-That's it!
Don't you see it?
Who basically even knows?
Seriously, Alfie. You're a good egg.
But if you just wanna farm clicks
and call it journalism,
go ahead, do it.
Live long and prosper.
And when you're rich,
because of your clicks,
and you prove that whatshername
was murdered by the Vatican
because she's carrying
Bill Gates' antichrist love child,
you can drive past my hovel
in your Aston Martin,
throw money from the windows
and laugh at where
my journalistic integrity got me.
But what you don't get is
a job on any newspaperlwork on.
Not ever again.
Not if I've got a say in the matter.
I'm Alfie Bird.
(SIGHS)
I'm Alfie. Alfie Bird.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
(BREATHES SHAKILY)
This is Five Minutes to Midnight.
Shit. (SNIFFLES)
This is Five Seconds to Midnight.
(GROANS)
Come on, Alfie.
(EXHALES SHARPLY) Blugh!
My name is Alfie Bird.
This is Two Seconds to Midnight.
SIOUXSIE: Here Comes That Day ♪
Oh, here comes that day
Here comes that day
Oh, here comes the rain
on your parade
There's a price to pay
For a life of insincerity
And you pretend
that it doesn't matter
And that you're not scared
Oh, here comes that day
Here comes that day
Oh, here comes that rain
on your parade ♪
Alfie Alfie, if you can
still hear me, tug your earlobe.
OK, listen. I know you're scared.
(VIA EARPIECE):
Just trust me, I need that book.
Look I don't care
what I have to do to get it back.
Alfie, if you understand me,
just give me a signal. Any signal.
Anything.
Do not take that book!
(SIGHS)
(TYRES SCREECH)
(SPEAKS ITALIAN):
Alfie, don't make me do this.
Fuck.
(ANGRILY SPEAKS ITALIAN)
(BYSTANDER EXCLAIMS IN ITALIAN)
Here, we're We're nearly there.
(HORN HONKING)
(HORNS HONKING)
(PHONE CLICKS)
GUE: Business ♪
(MOBILE BUZZES AND CHIMES)
(MUSIC CONTINUES ON SPEAKER)
(LINE RINGING)
(PILLS RATTLE)
(PEOPLE CHATTER)
(MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY ON SPEAKER)
("Addo Staje by J Lord
PLAYS VIA SPEAKERS NEARBY)
ALLEGRI: Miserere Mei, Deus ♪
(MUSIC CONTINUES ON SPEAKERS)
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
(METALLIC CLUNK)
(SIGHS)
(COMB CLATTERS) (SIGHS)
(WATER RUNNING)
(MUSIC CONTINUES FAINTLY NEARBY)
(SIGHS)
(ELECTRICITY HUMS)
(SYSTEM BEEPING AND CLICKS)
(LIFT DOORS CLOSE)
(LIFT DOORS OPEN)
(SYSTEM BEEPING AND CHIMES)
(SYSTEM BEEPING AND BUZZES)
(SYSTEM BEEPING AND BUZZES)
(SYSTEM BEEPING AND CHIMES)
(LOCK ENGAGES)
(SYSTEM BEEPING AND CHIMES)
(LOCK ENGAGES)
Sorry.
Just planning my escape.
It was a joke! I was joking!
OK. But they don't know that.
They're not great at detecting
sarcasm.
OK? Who the murder drones or
Meski. How's your nose for sarcasm?
-Very poor.
-Would you mind explaining that to Joy for me?
Not at all. Joy,
my nose for sarcasm is very poor.
God, that must be awful(!)
Not really. I'm fine with it.
OK. So,
I know you weren't trying to escape.
But just for the sake of argument,
say you were-
Yeah. But I wasn't.
Yes, I know! But say you where,
you really, really can't.
OK? Really, really. Please.
Duh.
Good! Excellent.
Just be careful with the antiphrasis.
You don't seem yourself today.
(SCOFFS) How would you know?
Well, because I think
I know you well enough to know.
Has she called yet?
About swapping me for the diary?
Not yet, no.
I think I might actually be a bit
scared that she won't call.
She'll call.
Except you said that she wouldn't.
Yeah, and then you said she would.
What if I was wrong?
Well I don't think you were.
I thought you made
a very convincing case.
Yeah, because he said he'd
cut my hand off.
What? Who said Who said what?
That prick that called yesterday.
Oh, my God, Joy! What are you? A bat?
Er, OK, look.
That was completely, erm
He He was just saying that
to scare me. OK?
Fair play. Seemed to work.
Fuck yes! But only for a minute, OK?
Joy, nobody is going to be cutting
anybody's hand off,
alright?
Cross my heart and hope to die.
Turn around, touch the ground.
What?
Turn around and touch the ground.
Why?
(CHUCKLES) Oh, you're being sarcastic - now? Is this an irony?
-No.
I'm really confused.
-What does that mean?
-It's in folklore or something, isn't it?
It's a playground thing when you
(SIGHS)
None of this means anything to you,
does it?
How could it?
Nobody tells me anything.
What?
OK.
Do you get vertigo?
No. Why?
(CLICKS TONGUE) Cos he gives people
vertigo sometimes.
Can you play Minecraft on it?
What is it with your generation
and sincerity?
Don't know. (SNIFFLES)
She was frightened too.
Who was? Miss Brook. Iris.
She said we called him Charlie
to diminish him.
Because he frightened us.
She was probably right,
right?
Well, I don't know about frightened.
I know he makes me feel odd.
In a Clarke's Third Law sort of way.
I don't know what that means.
"Any sufficiently advanced technology
is indistinguishable from magic."
We don't even know the extent of it.
Not yet.
We know he can simulate
molecular structures
and reactions with staggering speed
and accuracy.
He could cure cancer tomorrow.
Cure dementia.
Cure everything.
Could mitigate climate change.
Maybe even end it.
He could let us
peel back the surface of the world
and see what's underneath.
But he
It
It's asleep, right? Yes
And you can't wake it up.
Not without the password.
Which is what you needed - from Miss Brook.
-That's right.
Iris.
What is she so afraid of?
Nothing.
Phantasms. Hobgoblins.
A mad man's delusions.
What, that the bloke in the attic?
Beardy one and whatnot?
Yeah. That bloke, Jensen.
I saw him.
Oh, yeah.
Through the window this morning.
When I wasn't escaping. OK.
Can I meet him?
Why would you wanna do that?
He made Charlie Baked Potatoes.
Why wouldn't I?
Big Potatoes. Exactly.
Well, I wish you could meet him.
I really do.
Least, I wish you could meet the man
that he used to be.
But what he is now
What's left of him
Well what's left of him
is very, very dangerous.
So no, you can't meet him.
What happened to him?
(INHALES SHARPLY)
All he did was think.
And madness
is thinking past the point
where thinking starts to hurt.
(VEHICLE HORNS HONKING)
OK, here it is.
This won't take long.
(LOCK CLICKS)
(TYRES SCREECH) (HORN BLARES)
(DRIVER SHOUTS IN ITALIAN)
(PHONE CLICKS)
(MOPED ENGINE REVS)
(BUTTONS BEEPING)
(MOPED ENGINE STOPS)
(METALLIC CLACK)
(ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYS VIA SPEAKER)
(GROANING)
(GROANS)
(BREATHES HEAVILY) (GROANS)
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
(MUFFLED GROANING)
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
(GROANING)
(HUSHED): Fucking shit!
Who's coming? (LOCK CLICKS)
(COUPLE CHATTERS)
(MOBILE RINGS AND BUZZES)
(LOCK CLICKS) (DOOR OPENS)
This is it.
(KEYS JANGLE)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(FLOOR SQUEAKS) (SWITCHES CLICK)
Well, here we are.
Can I get you a coffee?
No, thank you.
Oh, please Ah. Sorry.
Not Cindy.
She's very expensive. (CHUCKLES)
Of course. Sorry.
This is a nice place.
Well, when in Rome. (CHUCKLES)
I'm in Rome. I have a room
at the Ibis. Cops' salary.
Would you like to sit down?
Make yourself at home.
Yes. Thank you.
So! What brings you to Rome?
Fizzy water?
I'm good, thank you.
There's a mini bar! Really.
Ah, if you're sure.
(INHALES SHARPLY) (WHISPERS): Fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
(SIGHS)
Where are you, Alfie?
Where are you?
Where are you, where are you,
where are you?
Fifth floor.
Fifth.
(SIGHS)
(LIFT WHIRRS)
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
So, is this your first time in Rome?
It is!
Are you here alone or
All alone. Sadly.
For work?
No. No, no, no. Just for fun.
Sightseeing, all the rest of it.
The dolce vita.
But all this equipment?
Oh, it's a force of habit, really.
Just in case. (CHUCKLES)
News never sleeps!
I see. (SIGHS) But oh, my days!
Who Who cares about work?
Rome's amazing!
There's so much history.
Do you know, literally on every
corner! Have you seen the Colosseum?
(BELL TOLLS IN DISTANCE)
Of course you have.
-No reason to be nervous.
-I ain't nervous. I'm being English. (LAUGHS)
(DOOR CREAKS)
Alfie.
Have you had many dealings
with the police over the years?
No. No. No.
Er, not really. I'm much
much too boring for that. I mean,
speeding tickets and all that.
And, erm
My-My bike was stolen this one time,
fucker. (CHUCKLES)
But yeah. That's it, really.
But it's clear to me that you're a
man with emotional intelligence.
Thank you. I hope so.
So I wonder if you could guess
the thing a police officer hates
more than anything else.
Paperwork, maybe? Of course.
Nobody likes paperwork, right?
(EXHALES SHARPLY) But what we
hate is people who kill police officers.
Right. Of course.
May I show you something?
Absolutely.
(CLOCK TICKING)
(SIGHS)
This is my good friend, Teo.
This is his wife, Carlotta.
Their little girls.
They're a little bit older now.
-This is last summer. -Oh.
And Teo. Here, he's hiking.
He was murdered by your friend,
Iris Nixon.
(BREATHES SHAKILY)
Well, "friend" isn't really the word
I'd use.
She's more subject matter,
to be fair.
I think he was
It is OK to say "fucking"?
I think that's probably fine, yeah.
Thank you. My English is not-
It's very good. Better than mine!
Thank you. Well, he was fucking her.
And now he's dead.
I think maybe
BECAUSE he was fucking her.
So
what I'm wondering, Alfie, is
why did you tell me
you were in London,
when you were actually in Rome?
Er
I mean, did I say that?
I didn't think I did.
I-I think you probably
sort of assumed.
Oh, perhaps you're right.
Perhaps I was just, um,
hearing what I wanted to hear.
But, um
here you are, right?
In Rome?
With all your equipment?
Arriving on a last-minute ticket?
Staying in a
last-minute, high-end apartment
you can't afford
because all the cheap ones
were already booked?
So why the urgency, Alfie?
One more question for you, OK?
OK.
Can you imagine who police officers
hate as much as people
who murder police officers?
Maybe even more?
(BREATHES SHAKILY) No.
We hate people who knowingly
provide assistance
to people
who murder police officers.
(BREATHES SHAKILY)
I could get in trouble
for showing you this. But, um
(ZIP OPENS)
I think you should understand
what you're involved with here.
This is Teo.
(GROANS)
And these bits here
they were two detectives
from Rome.
(SIGHS) This over here
that's a face.
(WRETCHES)
(WRETCHES)
(PHOTOS THUD)
She didn't tell you any of this,
did she?
She didn't tell you
she went to Teo for help.
That he woke up that morning
a father to two young girls.
"Ended it as 6'2" of meat on dirt.
Cos that's what she does.
She manipulates good people
decent people, into helping her.
(WRETCHES)
Alfie
I think you're a decent person.
I think you're a good person.
What did she ask you to do?
(MUTTERS): Don't do it, Alfie.
Alfie.
You have to decide
which side you're on here.
And I don't mean
in terms of law and order.
I mean in terms
of your personal safety.
Cos four police men are dead.
And if you choose the wrong side
in a fight like that,
how do you think that ends for you?
(BREATHES SHAKILY)
I want the rights to the story.
Exclusive.
All mine. All of it.
You keep me in the loop.
You don't speak to anyone else.
You're my exclusive source.
Give me everything you have.
Whatever it takes.
She forced me to steal this
from a library.
She's obsessed with this book.
I don't know why.
(GASPS) (GASPS)(GROANS)
(GRUNTS) (EXHALES SHARPLY)
Don't you move!
(BREATHES SHAKILY) Argh.
Fucking Judas!
Is Is she? Oh, my God,
you've killed her.
(MOPEDS APPROACH) (MEN SPEAK ITALIAN)
Somebody knows that I'm here.
We need to go now!
I am not a Judas.
Fine. Let's go.
I was playing for time.
OK. Yeah. I knew you'd come.
I-I left the bloody door unlocked!
I am not a Judas.
And bollocks to you
for even saying that.
Bollocks to you. A massive,
fat bag of bollocks. You wanker.
You just literally did someone in,
right in front of my face,
like you were buttering toast. So
why would I ever, ever help you now?
Bollocks to you.
Get some other sap to help you.
Some other pillock who'll waste the
money his nan left him on an Airbnb,
for you to just do someone in.
She's actually
really nice, actually.
Oh (EXHALES SHARPLY)
(VEHICLE APPROACHES)
Shit!
(KEY CLICKS) (ENGINE SHUTS OFF)
OK. What's happening?
Well,
it turns out I killed her too soon.
We need her alive
to get us out of here.
So what are you doing to do?
Un-kill her?
It's Naloxone.
They use it to treat overdoses.
(SYRINGE CLATTERS)
(WHISPERS): Come on, come on,
come on.(ENGINE REVS)
(VEHICLE APPROACHES)
("Miserere mei, Deus" by Allegri
PLAYS IN ROOM)
(MUSIC BROADCAST VIA SPEAKERS)
(MUSIC STOPS)
(TREADMILL WHIRRS)
OK, she's on the move.
We've left the doors unlocked.
(SYSTEM BEEPS AND CLICKS)
She's heading to the upper floor,
be patient.
She's entering Jensen's suite.
Let's see what she's up to.
(ANGELIC MUSIC)
(BREATHES SHAKILY)
Move the drones. Eyes
on Jensen's suite, overhead pass.
(TREADMILL POWERS DOWN)
(PANTING)
Hello. Can you take this?
Everyone wait.
Shit.
Who are you?
Um Joy.
I'm Jensen.
It's nice to meet you.
Would
W-Would you like some water?
Oh, no, really. I should get going.
There's juice. They insist on - providing juice.
-I'm really sorry.
I know. I shouldn't. I
Take
I'm sorry, I didn't know this
was actually somebody's room.
The door was open. I have not been
here for a long time, really.
Oh, "long time".
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
There's no such thing as time.
"Any distinction between past,
present and future is only
a stubbornly persistent illusion."
Sorry?
(CHUCKLES) You know who said that?
Albert Einstein.
Did someone send you here?
(SCOFFS) No! No! I just
No, I just
It's OK.
Yeah. Yeah. (INHALES SHARPLY)
Yeah, they did.
Sorry, yeah. Sorry.
And that would be Iris, I expect.
Yep.
She's very clever.
Yeah.
There is so much she wants to know.
-Yeah.
-How much did she tell you about the device?
Not much,
Cameron did say some words.
But (SIGHS) ..they
weren't really words I understood.
I know that you invented it.
Oh, no. Not at all.
Oh. Sorry.
I-I thought Cameron said
Yeah. He probably did but
he likes to think it's true.
But I'm not clever enough to have
"invented" it.
And I'm not sure anyone is.
I I built it
I built it for sure.
But the device
was its own invention.
What does that mean?
I mean it came to me like a memory.
Except perhaps a memory
of the future.
Because "time future is
contained in time past
and time past in time future."
Yeah. I expect that only works
if you know the poem.
(CHUCKLES)
I don't know the poem.
Oh, but it's a great poem
by a very troubled man.
Um
But Einstein and this
poet are saying the same thing,
expressing the same truth.
Which is that the laws of physics
are symmetric and reversible.
The rules are the same whether
time runs forward or backward.
All time is one.
So I think of the device
as a kind of recursive causal loop.
It created itself.
Bootstrapped itself into existence
from nothing.
Ex nihilo.
And I was like its composer.
Like I was transcribing a melody.
No, I-I know what you mean.
I feel like that sometimes.
When I write music.
You write music?
Just a bit, yeah.
But some days it feels, like
"I'm not actually writing this".
It's already out there,
just tapping into something.
Then you understand.
How long have you been alone here?
Oh, luckily,
there's no such thing as time.
Or else I'd be tempted to say
something like, "It
feels like forever."
Who was the last person
you spoke to?
Iris must never know the things
she seeks to know, Joy.
Charlie mustn't wake.
Why not?
(DOORS SLAM OPEN NEARBY)
Cos it's very dangerous. How?
Mustn't wake. Mustn't wake.
(DOOR OPENS)
(GUARD SHOUTS)(MUTTERS)
(TASER CRACKLES) (GROANING)
No! No! Meski! No.
Meski!(GROANING) No. No. No.
(TASER CRACKLES) Come on.
(DOOR OPENS)
What do you think?
I think what you think.
What do I think?
You think it was a good idea
to leave the door
of Jensen's room open, because you
wanted to know if she'd go in.
And she went in. So now you know.
And what else do I think?
That, given the specific warning you
gave her about not going in
she could only have done it
because Iris Nixon told her to.
Do I know the reason
why Iris told her to?
Not yet.
But it does tell us that,
if Iris is willing to go
to such lengths
to have Joy returned to her
she's not doing it from an excess
of feeling for the girl.
So what do I think we should do?
You think,
if Joy IS doing something for Iris,
there's a way to use that knowledge
to your own advantage.
I do think that.
Because there is a way to use it,
isn't there?
Yes.
That's what I was thinking.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
"Helicopter approaching.
Helicopter approaching"
He's here.
(HELICOPTER DOOR OPENS)
Mr Beck.
Mr Pym,
nice to put a face to the name.
Mm.
Looking forward the meeting
this special girl
who's gonna solve all our problems.
(GRUNTS)
(SIGHS) (GROANS)
(GASPS WHEEZILY) Oh.
(STAMMERS) Help me
Help me get her up. Come on.
Come on now,
bring her over to the couch.
(COUGHS) That's it.
(GRUNTS) (GRUNTS)
(BREATHES WHEEZILY)
OK. Listen to me.
None of this
is what you think it is.
I didn't kill Teo.
But I know who did.
The man responsible for all
of it is called Cameron Beck.
Cameron also abducted Joy Baxter.
You met Joy.
You know what a vulnerable - young woman she is.
-Fuck you.
Liar.
(SHOUTS IN ITALIAN)
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
Iris
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
If you actually want to know
what happened to Teo,
I need you to help
get me out of here.
Up to you, Nico.
The police are here.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)