The Letdown (2017) s01e05 Episode Script
Super Mom
1 - (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) - (MEDICAL EQUIPMENT BEEPING) WOMAN: Worst case scenario, if they baby survived, and that's a big if AUDREY: Fuck we'd be dealing with a pretty severe head injury.
- You're incredibly lucky, you know.
- Hi.
Are you OK? What happened? Pinecone.
What? A pinecone fell from a tree on to my head.
- It was a really big one.
- OK.
Don't laugh.
It really hurt.
- (CHUCKLES) I'm not.
- It did.
I'm relieved.
You texted me "head injury at emergency" in caps.
Five stitches there.
OK, but can we just agree to use lower case unless there's a real emergency? It could have been Stevie.
Well, thank God it wasn't.
Don't you think it's a sign? A sign of what? A projectile literally falling from sky? Oh, wow.
We're not doing this.
It was a pinecone.
I think that's a sign that spring is done.
- We're atheists, remember? - Yeah, you are.
I'm a lapsed Catholic, leaning agnostic.
Since when? We're not baptising Stevie because you made a promise to God in the heat of the moment.
That's their modus operandi, preying on the weak.
Let me see.
Oh, they're beautiful.
They're really neat.
Look, even if you don't believe, does it really matter if I do it or not? - Yes.
- The church is around the corner.
- I don't care.
- I really want How's the patient? Have you checked him for brain damage? - Very nice.
- Of course.
We check for brain damage with every head injury.
Sorry, I was just kidding.
We don't kid about brain damage.
OK.
Sorry.
You two are fun.
"Super Mom" 1x05 Nov 22, 2017 WOMAN: Here she is.
Thank you.
ESTER: Half day? - What? It's 9:05.
- Oh, no, I'm joking.
Oh.
God.
(LAUGHS) But we all do manage to get here before 8:00.
Sure.
That should be fine next week.
Sorry I just had to drop Stevie at Barb's because I couldn't get Hold on.
Shh, shh, shh.
Hold on.
Sorry! Hang on.
Sorry.
Hi.
Hi.
(LAUGHS) So, you wrote the Lord Mayor's speeches? Uh, not exactly.
They use my copy sometimes.
I am speaking at an international conference on retirement savings, discussing SMSFs and how we can close the gender gap and give women (VOICE FADES) more financial integrity, but any time that I mention the phrase 'gender gap', people just (NORMAL VOLUME) tune out.
Gee.
That's appalling.
And so I need you to draft something really punchy and engaging.
Got it.
Easy peasy.
Oh, did you want a coffee first? Yes, please.
I haven't had one.
Great.
Can you get me one too? I want a skinny latte, but don't go to that place downstairs 'cause they spell espresso with an X.
And then you can just crack on with the speech.
Will do.
Great.
Excuse me, what's an SMSF? - Self-managed super fund.
- Fund! - It's what we do here.
- Yeah, thought so.
- Thank you.
- Sorry I got a bit close then.
Back in a sec.
(UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC) BARB: (WHISPERS) Just drop your bags.
- WOMAN: Hands in you laps.
Thank you.
- (WHISPERS) Sorry! Morning, Jake.
Morning, Jess.
Come and find your spot on the rug.
Now, today is CHILDREN: Monday.
BOY: Friday.
No.
It's Thursday.
It's Thursday.
Because, uh yesterday was? - Wednesday.
- Wednesday.
And tomorrow is - Friday.
- OK.
Now, let's all get ready for our morning visitors.
First up we have Olive's mum, Karen.
- Hi, Miss Jo.
- Hi.
Sorry, what's going on? Why is Karen in dress-ups? They're operating scrubs.
Oh, careers day.
How did I miss that email? I'm room parent.
Oh, it didn't go to everyone.
Oh, hi, Ray's dad.
Hey.
It's, uh it's Josh.
- Hi.
- Hi, Josh.
OK, well, have fun career people.
- OK.
Bye.
- Bye.
You two behave.
OK, well, who here knows what a doctor does? Let's go to the park.
- BOY: Fixes people.
- Fixes people.
- So we retire with half the cash? - Well, that's brilliant.
A little more than half, but yeah.
Jesus, women are screwed.
And no-one does anything about it! - Apart from you obviously.
- Thank you.
Right.
But what with wage disparity, we have got a long way to go.
Well, from now on, I am coming to you for all of my retirement stuff.
What fund are you in? Uh, I've actually got a few different funds.
I should probably consolidate.
Yep.
Do that.
Yeah, but all the forms and the Phew.
- Yeah.
One form.
- Just one? Yep.
I will.
Um but this speech will write itself because everyone loves a story of oppression.
Great.
Just make sure it sounds like me, sharp and direct.
Nothing cutesy, no word play or silly puns.
I hate that shit.
I know what you copywriters are like.
Just make it good.
OK.
Let's have fun with the funds.
- Not that.
- OK.
SOPHIE: I did not come here to be put on a waitlist Today we will learn how to save a child's life! Is this it? - Umm yep.
- Mm-hm.
It's hardly worth it.
Pst.
Pst.
Belle.
401K? American retirement contribution plan.
Thank you.
Belle? Belle? Sorry, Belle? - Belle? - Yeah? Um, the princess syndrome is? Relying on a man to take financial care of you.
That makes sense.
Right.
OK.
Uh Belle? Sorry, Belle? Belle? Belle? Belle? Belle? Belle? (PHONE RINGS) Hello.
Belle speaking.
Uh, Belle, it's Audrey.
MARTHA: (WHISPERS) 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11.
That bubbie's dead.
- Organ collapse.
- 19, 20 You are hitting the intestines, not the heart.
Two fingers, not the whole hand.
Oh, OK.
I'm sorry.
Don't apologise to me.
Dead.
OK, whatever.
OK, yours is fighting for its life.
- What's the acronym? - Um, OK.
It is DS - Doctors - Come on! - DS - A.
A.
- Come on.
- Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
Sorry, can you stop yelling at me for a second? - Come on.
Come on.
- Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
DRS ABCD! Yes.
DRS, S.
S for send for help.
Didn't happen.
No paramedic is coming to help that bub.
Now it's dead.
No, no, no, it's still breathing.
3, 4 - It is not breathing.
- It is still breathing.
- 3, 4.
- It's not breathing.
- It's dead.
- No.
(SIGHS, PANTS) (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) What are you doing? Oh, sorry, Won't take a sec.
I've just got to post this.
No.
It's inappropriate, and plus they're really expensive.
Put it down.
Right, one more time.
OK.
Thank you, Dr Karen.
Actually did get the email.
Aren't I next? I've really got to get back.
Calm down, it's raining outside.
Oh, OK.
Well, it looks like Barbara is here and she's Hold that.
- So excited to be here.
- (HEROIC MUSIC PLAYS ON PHONE) Hi, everyone.
- Who knows what a SAHM is? - CHILDREN: No Anyone? No? Miss Jo? Doctor? Didn't learn that at uni.
It is a Stay At Home Mum, with superpowers and a cape! OK cut the cut the music.
Cut it.
- Yeah.
Yeah, cool.
- (MUSIC STOPS) OK, so I have extraordinary superpowers.
Who wants to hear what they are? CHILDREN: Me, me, me, me, me.
OK, ready.
Number one, super speed.
Who knows where a super mum might go shopping? Target.
No, a supermarket.
You should see me whip around that supermarket faster than the speed of light, and I'm telling you, no-one can keep up with me.
Especially Jakey, he always ends up in the lost and found.
(LAUGHTER) Number two, I can make things disappear, like good things like cake and wine, but also bad things like sore tummies or nightmares or splinters.
I can totally get a splinter out in 10 seconds or less.
No tears, no tweezers, guaranteed.
Number three, excellent communication.
I can understand people who can't even speak.
Oh, and I can totally produce my own milk.
Because I'm a SAHM! ALL: Yay! ESTER: It's mostly grammatical.
- Oh.
Really? - Really? Hey, how many license points do you have? Uh, not sure.
Why? Just wondering if you could sign this? "I declare that I was driving the vehicle "on the afternoon of the 25th" Hang on.
So, what, I'm I'm supposed to have been driving your car? I'll pay, obviously, I just need some of your points.
- Can't Ruben? - Oh, no.
No, he can't.
I mean, it's not a big deal.
- Belle's given me 4 points.
- 6.
6 points.
Thank you, Belle.
Can I just check how many points I have left? Um if you need to.
You should check.
OK.
- (ALARM BEEPS) - Oh.
Ah.
Um where can I express? - Express what? - Milk.
Oh.
- Yep.
- You can't do it here? She can't do it here, Belle.
Out in the open? Unless you want to do it here.
What do you actually do? Um heaps.
Who do you go to if you fall off your bike and you're bleeding? The doctor? No, mate, waste of time and money, not unless she bulk bills, but then she'll still keep you waiting.
It's me! And what about who looks after your sheets - if you've done - (WHISPERS) a little bit of a wee? - (LAUGHTER) - The cleaner.
(MIMICS BUZZER) I wish.
Me! And what about if you need to sort out your finances? The bank? No! It's me again! - (LAUGHTER) - Do you know Santa? - Yeah.
- (ALL GASP) And the Easter Bunny follows me on Instagram.
Oh, and sometimes I Snapchat with the Tooth Fairy and she is hilarious.
You guys would love her.
- (PHONE RINGS) - (BREAST PUMP BUZZES) Hi, this is Barb.
Leave a message.
Thanks! Uh hi, Barb.
It is just Audrey again, just checking in about Stevie.
So if you could give me a call back or just text me, that'd be great.
- OK, thanks.
- (SPLASH!) Ooh, shit! Oh! Oh, my God! But the most important part about my job is making sure that my employees, you guys, are happy and healthy, yeah? And you grow up to be the best superheroes you can be! Ha-ha! So Any questions? My rabbit died.
OK.
I'll take that as a comment.
Any questions? Go.
What do you like best about your job? Ooh tough one.
Top three, I can wear a flat shoe, I like most of my employees, .
.
and oh, I can never get fired.
But I can also never quit, so, you know, pros and cons.
Next.
Yeah? - How much do you get paid? - (CHUCKLES) Don't ask.
Heaps.
I get paid in hug currency.
(WHISPERS) I'm actually a billionaire.
When I grow up, I'm going to be a stay at home mum.
- Me too.
- Yes! SAHM! Whoo-hoo! (CHEERING) Alright.
They're all yours.
Come on, give me some skin.
Give me some skin.
Thanks, Miss Jo.
Whoo-hoo.
See ya.
JOSH: Um hi.
So I'm a firefighter Oh, fuck! I can't cancel it.
- I'll just have to - We'll move the other thing.
Sorry, that took a while.
Wow, you're like some kind of dairy cow.
I just dropped my phone in the loo while I was trying to call Barb.
- Does anyone have any hand sanitiser? - Give it here.
Rice.
Multi-tasking is a bitch.
But the good news is it does get easier.
You'll get on top of it and I will find Barb's phone number for you.
Thank you.
I just need to ask you a little favour.
Uh is it legal? Well, it depends.
Um just wondering if you could meet Ruben at the Santa Sabina Church on the corner of I know that.
It's right near my house.
I love that place.
Sorry, why? I haven't seen you two at mass.
Oh, no.
I've been here! We've we've been here.
- Um a few weeks back.
- Yeah.
When you gave that beautiful speech about the LGBTQI - A.
- .
.
A.
- Don't forget the A.
- Of course.
The asexuals.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
- I did.
Yeah.
So you're after an endorsement letter.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- We'd love to Eva to um go to - Santa Sabina.
Yeah.
Because we really think it's important that she Attend an affordable girls' school with a good academic record? Well (LAUGHS) I'm guessing you know that Santa Sabina was ranked the number one girl's school in the state last year.
- Yeah, we did hear about that.
- Didn't we darling? - We did.
- And that's remarkable, Father.
Thank you.
But, you know, it's the pastoral care, really, that excites us.
- Doesn't it? - That's right.
Yep.
Right, then.
Just a few questions.
Ester, do you like your bible? Do I? Yes, I do.
(LAUGHS) Favourite Gospel? Oh that is that's a tough one, Father.
- You always say Matthew, though.
- I do.
I do say Matthew.
Yeah.
I think yeah probably still Matthew.
- Yeah.
- Umm Because Matthew He What's the word? He really Humanises the Jesus story? That's what he does.
- Yeah.
- He does.
And, well, it just grounds it for me.
- Hmm.
- Whereas I'm more of a John man.
I really like the, uh the symbols in his gospel.
Sure does.
Always going on about John and the symbols.
(BOTH LAUGH) - Typical male.
- Oh Ester, what do you mean? Oh, that's just a sorry, sweeping generalisation about symbols and men.
You know how men and symbols Traditionally, they're Although, look, that's not even true, because I was very good at algebra.
I like symbols as well.
And he's not a typical male in any way.
He's a primary carer.
He's a very devoted father and a beautiful father.
Look at him.
(LAUGHS) Amazing at it.
That's all I meant.
Favourite biblical figure? - Well, for me - Ah.
Ester? I like I like the singers in the bible.
- I like - See, I like all the religious songs.
- Hymns.
- Hymns.
I love all the religious hymns.
But that wasn't the question.
Uh if I had to choose, uh one figure, I would say Noah.
Noah? I really like, um I love water.
I'm a bit of a swimmer.
But I love yeah, I love the rain and animals.
Wasn't a big fan of the Russell Crowe movie, though.
That was woeful.
Um but it's a great story, isn't it? Apocalyptic and I mean, he's a real hero figure.
Saving the animals.
I think that's a worthy thing to do.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I'll be happy to write you the school endorsement letter.
- Oh, really? - Fantastic! (LAUGHS) Yeah, so do we just wait here or outside? Well, I could do it for you now or I'll see you Sunday? - Yeah.
- Shall we just - Sunday's - Sunday fine.
- We'll see you here anyway.
- Sunday.
What a good devoted Catholic couple.
You'd be surprised how many parents come in here just after that letter.
- Never come to mass.
- Really? - Really? - Oh, well, that's shocking.
- Mmm.
- Just deplorable.
(CHUCKLES) I can imagine, actually, some people.
Yeah.
I am so sorry.
I just when I'm nervous, I just can't stop.
No, thank God you did.
I just froze.
- Just left you out to dry.
- (LAUGHS) I went straight back to Saint Joseph's.
Oh, God, I'm still shaking.
I'm sorry I mentioned the Book Of Mormon.
I meant to say Jesus Christ Superstar, obviously.
Which I love.
- No, I don't think he noticed.
- Really? Yeah.
I wouldn't have picked you for a musical girl.
Huh? No, I mean that's a massive compliment, by the way.
- Huge The biggest fan.
- Me too.
- Really? What? - Yeah.
- Jeremy hates them.
- So does Ester.
- What's your favourite? - Les Mis.
Yes, yes, it is.
- (LAUGHS) - (LAUGHS) How about Hugh Jackman in the movie? Oh, yes, The Confrontation.
Oh, my God, yes! I do a pretty good Valjean, actually.
And I Javert! (ORGAN MUSIC) MAN: (AMERICAN ACCENT) Deuteronomy 6:15.
- For the Lord your God - Stop.
- Stop.
- .
.
is a jealous God.
Lest the anger of the Lord your God - (MUSIC GETS LOUDER) - Sorry.
And destroy you off the face of the earth.
- (MUSIC STOPS) - What is that? Uh are your ad pop up algorithms all weird today? - Nup.
No.
- Really? Mine are just cuckoo.
- There.
- There.
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God.
I think I just had a mini stroke.
That was (LAUGHS) - You can get up there.
- You have a really good baritone.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- That was that was good.
Whew! Yes.
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God.
- Thanks for that.
- Yeah.
(CLEARS THROAT) Any time.
(LAUGHS) Well, I should probably There's my car, so I should probably go back to work.
How is it going with Ester? Uh it's fun.
- Oh, cool.
- She is a real dynamo, isn't she? Yes, she is.
I told her to be on her best behaviour.
- Did you? - Yeah.
Are you missing Stevie? Oh, well my boobs are, jeez.
Um But if you know, would you think I was a terrible mother if I said no? Nup.
And I happen to think you're an excellent mother for that very reason, 'cause you're honest.
I mean, you did just lie to a priest I did.
.
.
but yes, apart from that We both did.
And we will do it again Sunday.
Uh, yes.
Actually, you know what? Don't worry about Sunday.
- I'll do that myself.
- Really? Yeah.
OK.
Well, I'll I'll go.
Yeah.
Thank you so much.
It was just You were perfect.
You are perf I mean, thank you.
- See you later, wifey.
- (LAUGHS) Bye, husband.
Bye.
See you later.
Oop! Oop! Uh I'm so sorry about that.
No, that's (LAUGHS) - My tongue just - No, that's fine.
That's fine.
Um bye, Eva.
- Um bye-bye.
- Thank you.
I'm sorry.
No, no, no.
OK, see ya.
That was just OK, that happened.
That's OK.
I know.
Yep.
Um let me deal with it.
I won't be a moment.
(WHISPERS) Audrey, can you come in here? Just say that you have lost the spreadsheet.
Just go with me.
Just say "I've lost the spreadsheet.
" - (WHISPERS) OK, sure.
Fine.
- Sorry.
No, that's fine.
(NORMAL VOICE) Can you close the door, please? Yep.
Do you want to explain to Jan what happened to her investment options spreadsheet that she was expecting last week? I lost it.
Lost it? How do you lose a spreadsheet? Um - Um - Use your words, Audrey! Your mistake has cost our most valued client significantly.
There will be serious repercussions.
I think you owe Jan an apology.
- OK.
Sorry, Jan.
- Oh, please.
A proper apology.
- I'm very sorry, Jan.
- Thank you.
- You can go.
- Thank you.
Amateur, absolute amateur.
She's on her final warning.
I'm so sorry.
Great.
Well let's get this fixed.
Yes, well, that's my point exactly, but no, no, it was no trouble at all and thank you for fitting it in before your flight.
Bye now.
- (WHISPERS) I am so sorry.
- It's OK.
Sorry, Belle, can you just make sure she gets the taxi? Sorry.
So how did you and Ruben go? Did you get away with your little ruse? Yeah.
I think so.
Oh! So you got the endorsement letter? - Well, no.
I mean - What? I mean, yes.
We will.
Just on Sunday.
Father kind of tricked us into that.
He was very crafty.
Um so are you free to go on Sunday? Oh, God, that's not going to work, is it? No, because it has to be you.
And besides I'm Jewish.
- Really? - Yeah.
We just wanted to have a bet both ways, you know.
In case we were wrong, which I doubt we are.
But you're free Sunday? Yeah.
I can be free on Sunday.
And do bring me all your super stuff.
I will consolidate it for you.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Oh and, uh did you check your license points? Yes, they're all yours.
How many do you need? - 4.
- 4.
Shit.
- (KNOCKS AT DOOR) - BARB: Who's that? Who's that? That's (GASPS) Mummy! Hi.
Hi.
Hey, love.
I'm so sorry I'm so late.
I was the first to leave if you can believe it.
Oh, no, she's a dream.
It's almost not fair.
Ooh! Yeah sorry about the permanent marker on her little cardie there.
I don't think it is permanent.
I think they just say it's permanent on the packet, yeah.
I got it off her face mostly.
- Well, thank you.
It's OK.
- Thank you.
Barb.
- Thank you so much.
- Oh you're welcome.
Bye, love.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Oh I missed you, my darling.
Mwah.
ESTER: And so what, at present, is the reward for a lifetime of caring, seeing out your retirement in poverty? This needs to change, it has to change, and it can.
Christ! She thinks she's Aaron Sorkin.
Have to cut out all that sentimental rubbish.
- Its really good, Est.
- It's not that good.
It's a bit wordy.
Too many puns.
Typical copywriter.
- Hey, Est - Yeah? I'm wondering if we should go back to couples.
Therapy? Why? I I just I think I miss it.
Just Do you? I mean, it'd be nice to see Brad again.
I mean, unless you don't want to.
If you don't want to There's nothing wrong.
You want to go? Not if you don't want to, but - (PHONE RINGS) - (SIGHS) Oh, hey, Audrey.
Yep.
Yeah, I'm just going to send through some corrections on the speech, OK? What? - What? What's she saying? - Yeah.
OK.
Yeah.
What is it? What is it? Oh, it was very brief.
Audrey's quit.
Oh.
Oh - Unreliable.
- Totally.
That was so fast.
- So unprofessional.
- Unprofessional.
(CHILDREN SHOUTING, LAUGHING) Shush, you kids.
I'm on the phone.
- MISS JO: Hi, Barb.
- Hello.
Oh, it's Miss Jo.
Oh, g'day, Miss Jo.
What have they done? No, nothing.
I'm calling because well, you know Margaret, our teachers' aide? She's retiring in two months and we haven't found a replacement yet.
And you clearly have a great rapport with the kids.
I don't suppose you'd be interested in working in the classroom two days a week? Like like, with my kids and all the kids? Yes.
Nah.
Wouldn't have thought so, love.
- Oh.
- Definitely not.
It's a hard no.
- OK.
- OK.
OK, then.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
No.
RUBEN: Yes, yes, and, uh - The music program is excellent.
- PRIEST: Yes.
Which we're also very excited about.
Ester, good morning.
Morning, sir.
Father.
Happy to lend my support.
- Ooh.
- Oh, terrific.
See you inside.
- Thank you, yes.
See you in there.
- You will.
Thanks.
(QUIETLY) Thank you so much for doing this.
That's fine.
- OK.
- PETE: Audrey.
Hi.
Audrey.
No, Ester.
Ester? - Audrey.
- Ester, where are you going? - What is going on? - Nothing.
What are you going? Nothing.
Are you about to? Fucking hell.
Jeremy Hey, just just calm down.
Sorry, Father.
I will not calm down until you tell me you were not seriously about to baptise our child without my consent.
Jesus Christ! Wait that's your child? Is that even legal? Technically one parent can baptise, but whose child Is that How many babies you got? RUBEN: Maybe we should do this somewhere else.
Look, Aud, it's just one little sacrament, alright? It's just one.
I don't want to do the other six, although I do want to get married one day.
I'm terrified something's going to happen to her or to you.
Because of a promise you made to a god you don't even believe in? - I never said I don't believe in - (ORGAN MUSIC) Oh, Father, that's Mary firing up the organ.
We should head in to And why is he here? Godparent.
That's your pick? He's a misanthrope who hates children and I happen to know he's taken the Scientology test twice.
- Once with you.
- Are you even Catholic? Yes, Church of England.
Which until Henry the 8th was Catholic.
Right, Father? - No.
- I dispute that.
Is anyone here an actual practicing Catholic? Besides him, obviously.
Ester, Ester, let's go.
Let's go.
Just please! Oh, no! So close.
Father, could we talk? - Could we just - I don't know what that was Give her to me.
Give her to me.
And what are you doing here? You were on a nice little church date with your mate Ruben.
Do you want to tell me a bit about that? Aud? Audrey
- You're incredibly lucky, you know.
- Hi.
Are you OK? What happened? Pinecone.
What? A pinecone fell from a tree on to my head.
- It was a really big one.
- OK.
Don't laugh.
It really hurt.
- (CHUCKLES) I'm not.
- It did.
I'm relieved.
You texted me "head injury at emergency" in caps.
Five stitches there.
OK, but can we just agree to use lower case unless there's a real emergency? It could have been Stevie.
Well, thank God it wasn't.
Don't you think it's a sign? A sign of what? A projectile literally falling from sky? Oh, wow.
We're not doing this.
It was a pinecone.
I think that's a sign that spring is done.
- We're atheists, remember? - Yeah, you are.
I'm a lapsed Catholic, leaning agnostic.
Since when? We're not baptising Stevie because you made a promise to God in the heat of the moment.
That's their modus operandi, preying on the weak.
Let me see.
Oh, they're beautiful.
They're really neat.
Look, even if you don't believe, does it really matter if I do it or not? - Yes.
- The church is around the corner.
- I don't care.
- I really want How's the patient? Have you checked him for brain damage? - Very nice.
- Of course.
We check for brain damage with every head injury.
Sorry, I was just kidding.
We don't kid about brain damage.
OK.
Sorry.
You two are fun.
"Super Mom" 1x05 Nov 22, 2017 WOMAN: Here she is.
Thank you.
ESTER: Half day? - What? It's 9:05.
- Oh, no, I'm joking.
Oh.
God.
(LAUGHS) But we all do manage to get here before 8:00.
Sure.
That should be fine next week.
Sorry I just had to drop Stevie at Barb's because I couldn't get Hold on.
Shh, shh, shh.
Hold on.
Sorry! Hang on.
Sorry.
Hi.
Hi.
(LAUGHS) So, you wrote the Lord Mayor's speeches? Uh, not exactly.
They use my copy sometimes.
I am speaking at an international conference on retirement savings, discussing SMSFs and how we can close the gender gap and give women (VOICE FADES) more financial integrity, but any time that I mention the phrase 'gender gap', people just (NORMAL VOLUME) tune out.
Gee.
That's appalling.
And so I need you to draft something really punchy and engaging.
Got it.
Easy peasy.
Oh, did you want a coffee first? Yes, please.
I haven't had one.
Great.
Can you get me one too? I want a skinny latte, but don't go to that place downstairs 'cause they spell espresso with an X.
And then you can just crack on with the speech.
Will do.
Great.
Excuse me, what's an SMSF? - Self-managed super fund.
- Fund! - It's what we do here.
- Yeah, thought so.
- Thank you.
- Sorry I got a bit close then.
Back in a sec.
(UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC) BARB: (WHISPERS) Just drop your bags.
- WOMAN: Hands in you laps.
Thank you.
- (WHISPERS) Sorry! Morning, Jake.
Morning, Jess.
Come and find your spot on the rug.
Now, today is CHILDREN: Monday.
BOY: Friday.
No.
It's Thursday.
It's Thursday.
Because, uh yesterday was? - Wednesday.
- Wednesday.
And tomorrow is - Friday.
- OK.
Now, let's all get ready for our morning visitors.
First up we have Olive's mum, Karen.
- Hi, Miss Jo.
- Hi.
Sorry, what's going on? Why is Karen in dress-ups? They're operating scrubs.
Oh, careers day.
How did I miss that email? I'm room parent.
Oh, it didn't go to everyone.
Oh, hi, Ray's dad.
Hey.
It's, uh it's Josh.
- Hi.
- Hi, Josh.
OK, well, have fun career people.
- OK.
Bye.
- Bye.
You two behave.
OK, well, who here knows what a doctor does? Let's go to the park.
- BOY: Fixes people.
- Fixes people.
- So we retire with half the cash? - Well, that's brilliant.
A little more than half, but yeah.
Jesus, women are screwed.
And no-one does anything about it! - Apart from you obviously.
- Thank you.
Right.
But what with wage disparity, we have got a long way to go.
Well, from now on, I am coming to you for all of my retirement stuff.
What fund are you in? Uh, I've actually got a few different funds.
I should probably consolidate.
Yep.
Do that.
Yeah, but all the forms and the Phew.
- Yeah.
One form.
- Just one? Yep.
I will.
Um but this speech will write itself because everyone loves a story of oppression.
Great.
Just make sure it sounds like me, sharp and direct.
Nothing cutesy, no word play or silly puns.
I hate that shit.
I know what you copywriters are like.
Just make it good.
OK.
Let's have fun with the funds.
- Not that.
- OK.
SOPHIE: I did not come here to be put on a waitlist Today we will learn how to save a child's life! Is this it? - Umm yep.
- Mm-hm.
It's hardly worth it.
Pst.
Pst.
Belle.
401K? American retirement contribution plan.
Thank you.
Belle? Belle? Sorry, Belle? - Belle? - Yeah? Um, the princess syndrome is? Relying on a man to take financial care of you.
That makes sense.
Right.
OK.
Uh Belle? Sorry, Belle? Belle? Belle? Belle? Belle? Belle? (PHONE RINGS) Hello.
Belle speaking.
Uh, Belle, it's Audrey.
MARTHA: (WHISPERS) 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11.
That bubbie's dead.
- Organ collapse.
- 19, 20 You are hitting the intestines, not the heart.
Two fingers, not the whole hand.
Oh, OK.
I'm sorry.
Don't apologise to me.
Dead.
OK, whatever.
OK, yours is fighting for its life.
- What's the acronym? - Um, OK.
It is DS - Doctors - Come on! - DS - A.
A.
- Come on.
- Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
Sorry, can you stop yelling at me for a second? - Come on.
Come on.
- Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
DRS ABCD! Yes.
DRS, S.
S for send for help.
Didn't happen.
No paramedic is coming to help that bub.
Now it's dead.
No, no, no, it's still breathing.
3, 4 - It is not breathing.
- It is still breathing.
- 3, 4.
- It's not breathing.
- It's dead.
- No.
(SIGHS, PANTS) (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) What are you doing? Oh, sorry, Won't take a sec.
I've just got to post this.
No.
It's inappropriate, and plus they're really expensive.
Put it down.
Right, one more time.
OK.
Thank you, Dr Karen.
Actually did get the email.
Aren't I next? I've really got to get back.
Calm down, it's raining outside.
Oh, OK.
Well, it looks like Barbara is here and she's Hold that.
- So excited to be here.
- (HEROIC MUSIC PLAYS ON PHONE) Hi, everyone.
- Who knows what a SAHM is? - CHILDREN: No Anyone? No? Miss Jo? Doctor? Didn't learn that at uni.
It is a Stay At Home Mum, with superpowers and a cape! OK cut the cut the music.
Cut it.
- Yeah.
Yeah, cool.
- (MUSIC STOPS) OK, so I have extraordinary superpowers.
Who wants to hear what they are? CHILDREN: Me, me, me, me, me.
OK, ready.
Number one, super speed.
Who knows where a super mum might go shopping? Target.
No, a supermarket.
You should see me whip around that supermarket faster than the speed of light, and I'm telling you, no-one can keep up with me.
Especially Jakey, he always ends up in the lost and found.
(LAUGHTER) Number two, I can make things disappear, like good things like cake and wine, but also bad things like sore tummies or nightmares or splinters.
I can totally get a splinter out in 10 seconds or less.
No tears, no tweezers, guaranteed.
Number three, excellent communication.
I can understand people who can't even speak.
Oh, and I can totally produce my own milk.
Because I'm a SAHM! ALL: Yay! ESTER: It's mostly grammatical.
- Oh.
Really? - Really? Hey, how many license points do you have? Uh, not sure.
Why? Just wondering if you could sign this? "I declare that I was driving the vehicle "on the afternoon of the 25th" Hang on.
So, what, I'm I'm supposed to have been driving your car? I'll pay, obviously, I just need some of your points.
- Can't Ruben? - Oh, no.
No, he can't.
I mean, it's not a big deal.
- Belle's given me 4 points.
- 6.
6 points.
Thank you, Belle.
Can I just check how many points I have left? Um if you need to.
You should check.
OK.
- (ALARM BEEPS) - Oh.
Ah.
Um where can I express? - Express what? - Milk.
Oh.
- Yep.
- You can't do it here? She can't do it here, Belle.
Out in the open? Unless you want to do it here.
What do you actually do? Um heaps.
Who do you go to if you fall off your bike and you're bleeding? The doctor? No, mate, waste of time and money, not unless she bulk bills, but then she'll still keep you waiting.
It's me! And what about who looks after your sheets - if you've done - (WHISPERS) a little bit of a wee? - (LAUGHTER) - The cleaner.
(MIMICS BUZZER) I wish.
Me! And what about if you need to sort out your finances? The bank? No! It's me again! - (LAUGHTER) - Do you know Santa? - Yeah.
- (ALL GASP) And the Easter Bunny follows me on Instagram.
Oh, and sometimes I Snapchat with the Tooth Fairy and she is hilarious.
You guys would love her.
- (PHONE RINGS) - (BREAST PUMP BUZZES) Hi, this is Barb.
Leave a message.
Thanks! Uh hi, Barb.
It is just Audrey again, just checking in about Stevie.
So if you could give me a call back or just text me, that'd be great.
- OK, thanks.
- (SPLASH!) Ooh, shit! Oh! Oh, my God! But the most important part about my job is making sure that my employees, you guys, are happy and healthy, yeah? And you grow up to be the best superheroes you can be! Ha-ha! So Any questions? My rabbit died.
OK.
I'll take that as a comment.
Any questions? Go.
What do you like best about your job? Ooh tough one.
Top three, I can wear a flat shoe, I like most of my employees, .
.
and oh, I can never get fired.
But I can also never quit, so, you know, pros and cons.
Next.
Yeah? - How much do you get paid? - (CHUCKLES) Don't ask.
Heaps.
I get paid in hug currency.
(WHISPERS) I'm actually a billionaire.
When I grow up, I'm going to be a stay at home mum.
- Me too.
- Yes! SAHM! Whoo-hoo! (CHEERING) Alright.
They're all yours.
Come on, give me some skin.
Give me some skin.
Thanks, Miss Jo.
Whoo-hoo.
See ya.
JOSH: Um hi.
So I'm a firefighter Oh, fuck! I can't cancel it.
- I'll just have to - We'll move the other thing.
Sorry, that took a while.
Wow, you're like some kind of dairy cow.
I just dropped my phone in the loo while I was trying to call Barb.
- Does anyone have any hand sanitiser? - Give it here.
Rice.
Multi-tasking is a bitch.
But the good news is it does get easier.
You'll get on top of it and I will find Barb's phone number for you.
Thank you.
I just need to ask you a little favour.
Uh is it legal? Well, it depends.
Um just wondering if you could meet Ruben at the Santa Sabina Church on the corner of I know that.
It's right near my house.
I love that place.
Sorry, why? I haven't seen you two at mass.
Oh, no.
I've been here! We've we've been here.
- Um a few weeks back.
- Yeah.
When you gave that beautiful speech about the LGBTQI - A.
- .
.
A.
- Don't forget the A.
- Of course.
The asexuals.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
- I did.
Yeah.
So you're after an endorsement letter.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- We'd love to Eva to um go to - Santa Sabina.
Yeah.
Because we really think it's important that she Attend an affordable girls' school with a good academic record? Well (LAUGHS) I'm guessing you know that Santa Sabina was ranked the number one girl's school in the state last year.
- Yeah, we did hear about that.
- Didn't we darling? - We did.
- And that's remarkable, Father.
Thank you.
But, you know, it's the pastoral care, really, that excites us.
- Doesn't it? - That's right.
Yep.
Right, then.
Just a few questions.
Ester, do you like your bible? Do I? Yes, I do.
(LAUGHS) Favourite Gospel? Oh that is that's a tough one, Father.
- You always say Matthew, though.
- I do.
I do say Matthew.
Yeah.
I think yeah probably still Matthew.
- Yeah.
- Umm Because Matthew He What's the word? He really Humanises the Jesus story? That's what he does.
- Yeah.
- He does.
And, well, it just grounds it for me.
- Hmm.
- Whereas I'm more of a John man.
I really like the, uh the symbols in his gospel.
Sure does.
Always going on about John and the symbols.
(BOTH LAUGH) - Typical male.
- Oh Ester, what do you mean? Oh, that's just a sorry, sweeping generalisation about symbols and men.
You know how men and symbols Traditionally, they're Although, look, that's not even true, because I was very good at algebra.
I like symbols as well.
And he's not a typical male in any way.
He's a primary carer.
He's a very devoted father and a beautiful father.
Look at him.
(LAUGHS) Amazing at it.
That's all I meant.
Favourite biblical figure? - Well, for me - Ah.
Ester? I like I like the singers in the bible.
- I like - See, I like all the religious songs.
- Hymns.
- Hymns.
I love all the religious hymns.
But that wasn't the question.
Uh if I had to choose, uh one figure, I would say Noah.
Noah? I really like, um I love water.
I'm a bit of a swimmer.
But I love yeah, I love the rain and animals.
Wasn't a big fan of the Russell Crowe movie, though.
That was woeful.
Um but it's a great story, isn't it? Apocalyptic and I mean, he's a real hero figure.
Saving the animals.
I think that's a worthy thing to do.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I'll be happy to write you the school endorsement letter.
- Oh, really? - Fantastic! (LAUGHS) Yeah, so do we just wait here or outside? Well, I could do it for you now or I'll see you Sunday? - Yeah.
- Shall we just - Sunday's - Sunday fine.
- We'll see you here anyway.
- Sunday.
What a good devoted Catholic couple.
You'd be surprised how many parents come in here just after that letter.
- Never come to mass.
- Really? - Really? - Oh, well, that's shocking.
- Mmm.
- Just deplorable.
(CHUCKLES) I can imagine, actually, some people.
Yeah.
I am so sorry.
I just when I'm nervous, I just can't stop.
No, thank God you did.
I just froze.
- Just left you out to dry.
- (LAUGHS) I went straight back to Saint Joseph's.
Oh, God, I'm still shaking.
I'm sorry I mentioned the Book Of Mormon.
I meant to say Jesus Christ Superstar, obviously.
Which I love.
- No, I don't think he noticed.
- Really? Yeah.
I wouldn't have picked you for a musical girl.
Huh? No, I mean that's a massive compliment, by the way.
- Huge The biggest fan.
- Me too.
- Really? What? - Yeah.
- Jeremy hates them.
- So does Ester.
- What's your favourite? - Les Mis.
Yes, yes, it is.
- (LAUGHS) - (LAUGHS) How about Hugh Jackman in the movie? Oh, yes, The Confrontation.
Oh, my God, yes! I do a pretty good Valjean, actually.
And I Javert! (ORGAN MUSIC) MAN: (AMERICAN ACCENT) Deuteronomy 6:15.
- For the Lord your God - Stop.
- Stop.
- .
.
is a jealous God.
Lest the anger of the Lord your God - (MUSIC GETS LOUDER) - Sorry.
And destroy you off the face of the earth.
- (MUSIC STOPS) - What is that? Uh are your ad pop up algorithms all weird today? - Nup.
No.
- Really? Mine are just cuckoo.
- There.
- There.
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God.
I think I just had a mini stroke.
That was (LAUGHS) - You can get up there.
- You have a really good baritone.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- That was that was good.
Whew! Yes.
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God.
- Thanks for that.
- Yeah.
(CLEARS THROAT) Any time.
(LAUGHS) Well, I should probably There's my car, so I should probably go back to work.
How is it going with Ester? Uh it's fun.
- Oh, cool.
- She is a real dynamo, isn't she? Yes, she is.
I told her to be on her best behaviour.
- Did you? - Yeah.
Are you missing Stevie? Oh, well my boobs are, jeez.
Um But if you know, would you think I was a terrible mother if I said no? Nup.
And I happen to think you're an excellent mother for that very reason, 'cause you're honest.
I mean, you did just lie to a priest I did.
.
.
but yes, apart from that We both did.
And we will do it again Sunday.
Uh, yes.
Actually, you know what? Don't worry about Sunday.
- I'll do that myself.
- Really? Yeah.
OK.
Well, I'll I'll go.
Yeah.
Thank you so much.
It was just You were perfect.
You are perf I mean, thank you.
- See you later, wifey.
- (LAUGHS) Bye, husband.
Bye.
See you later.
Oop! Oop! Uh I'm so sorry about that.
No, that's (LAUGHS) - My tongue just - No, that's fine.
That's fine.
Um bye, Eva.
- Um bye-bye.
- Thank you.
I'm sorry.
No, no, no.
OK, see ya.
That was just OK, that happened.
That's OK.
I know.
Yep.
Um let me deal with it.
I won't be a moment.
(WHISPERS) Audrey, can you come in here? Just say that you have lost the spreadsheet.
Just go with me.
Just say "I've lost the spreadsheet.
" - (WHISPERS) OK, sure.
Fine.
- Sorry.
No, that's fine.
(NORMAL VOICE) Can you close the door, please? Yep.
Do you want to explain to Jan what happened to her investment options spreadsheet that she was expecting last week? I lost it.
Lost it? How do you lose a spreadsheet? Um - Um - Use your words, Audrey! Your mistake has cost our most valued client significantly.
There will be serious repercussions.
I think you owe Jan an apology.
- OK.
Sorry, Jan.
- Oh, please.
A proper apology.
- I'm very sorry, Jan.
- Thank you.
- You can go.
- Thank you.
Amateur, absolute amateur.
She's on her final warning.
I'm so sorry.
Great.
Well let's get this fixed.
Yes, well, that's my point exactly, but no, no, it was no trouble at all and thank you for fitting it in before your flight.
Bye now.
- (WHISPERS) I am so sorry.
- It's OK.
Sorry, Belle, can you just make sure she gets the taxi? Sorry.
So how did you and Ruben go? Did you get away with your little ruse? Yeah.
I think so.
Oh! So you got the endorsement letter? - Well, no.
I mean - What? I mean, yes.
We will.
Just on Sunday.
Father kind of tricked us into that.
He was very crafty.
Um so are you free to go on Sunday? Oh, God, that's not going to work, is it? No, because it has to be you.
And besides I'm Jewish.
- Really? - Yeah.
We just wanted to have a bet both ways, you know.
In case we were wrong, which I doubt we are.
But you're free Sunday? Yeah.
I can be free on Sunday.
And do bring me all your super stuff.
I will consolidate it for you.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Oh and, uh did you check your license points? Yes, they're all yours.
How many do you need? - 4.
- 4.
Shit.
- (KNOCKS AT DOOR) - BARB: Who's that? Who's that? That's (GASPS) Mummy! Hi.
Hi.
Hey, love.
I'm so sorry I'm so late.
I was the first to leave if you can believe it.
Oh, no, she's a dream.
It's almost not fair.
Ooh! Yeah sorry about the permanent marker on her little cardie there.
I don't think it is permanent.
I think they just say it's permanent on the packet, yeah.
I got it off her face mostly.
- Well, thank you.
It's OK.
- Thank you.
Barb.
- Thank you so much.
- Oh you're welcome.
Bye, love.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Oh I missed you, my darling.
Mwah.
ESTER: And so what, at present, is the reward for a lifetime of caring, seeing out your retirement in poverty? This needs to change, it has to change, and it can.
Christ! She thinks she's Aaron Sorkin.
Have to cut out all that sentimental rubbish.
- Its really good, Est.
- It's not that good.
It's a bit wordy.
Too many puns.
Typical copywriter.
- Hey, Est - Yeah? I'm wondering if we should go back to couples.
Therapy? Why? I I just I think I miss it.
Just Do you? I mean, it'd be nice to see Brad again.
I mean, unless you don't want to.
If you don't want to There's nothing wrong.
You want to go? Not if you don't want to, but - (PHONE RINGS) - (SIGHS) Oh, hey, Audrey.
Yep.
Yeah, I'm just going to send through some corrections on the speech, OK? What? - What? What's she saying? - Yeah.
OK.
Yeah.
What is it? What is it? Oh, it was very brief.
Audrey's quit.
Oh.
Oh - Unreliable.
- Totally.
That was so fast.
- So unprofessional.
- Unprofessional.
(CHILDREN SHOUTING, LAUGHING) Shush, you kids.
I'm on the phone.
- MISS JO: Hi, Barb.
- Hello.
Oh, it's Miss Jo.
Oh, g'day, Miss Jo.
What have they done? No, nothing.
I'm calling because well, you know Margaret, our teachers' aide? She's retiring in two months and we haven't found a replacement yet.
And you clearly have a great rapport with the kids.
I don't suppose you'd be interested in working in the classroom two days a week? Like like, with my kids and all the kids? Yes.
Nah.
Wouldn't have thought so, love.
- Oh.
- Definitely not.
It's a hard no.
- OK.
- OK.
OK, then.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
No.
RUBEN: Yes, yes, and, uh - The music program is excellent.
- PRIEST: Yes.
Which we're also very excited about.
Ester, good morning.
Morning, sir.
Father.
Happy to lend my support.
- Ooh.
- Oh, terrific.
See you inside.
- Thank you, yes.
See you in there.
- You will.
Thanks.
(QUIETLY) Thank you so much for doing this.
That's fine.
- OK.
- PETE: Audrey.
Hi.
Audrey.
No, Ester.
Ester? - Audrey.
- Ester, where are you going? - What is going on? - Nothing.
What are you going? Nothing.
Are you about to? Fucking hell.
Jeremy Hey, just just calm down.
Sorry, Father.
I will not calm down until you tell me you were not seriously about to baptise our child without my consent.
Jesus Christ! Wait that's your child? Is that even legal? Technically one parent can baptise, but whose child Is that How many babies you got? RUBEN: Maybe we should do this somewhere else.
Look, Aud, it's just one little sacrament, alright? It's just one.
I don't want to do the other six, although I do want to get married one day.
I'm terrified something's going to happen to her or to you.
Because of a promise you made to a god you don't even believe in? - I never said I don't believe in - (ORGAN MUSIC) Oh, Father, that's Mary firing up the organ.
We should head in to And why is he here? Godparent.
That's your pick? He's a misanthrope who hates children and I happen to know he's taken the Scientology test twice.
- Once with you.
- Are you even Catholic? Yes, Church of England.
Which until Henry the 8th was Catholic.
Right, Father? - No.
- I dispute that.
Is anyone here an actual practicing Catholic? Besides him, obviously.
Ester, Ester, let's go.
Let's go.
Just please! Oh, no! So close.
Father, could we talk? - Could we just - I don't know what that was Give her to me.
Give her to me.
And what are you doing here? You were on a nice little church date with your mate Ruben.
Do you want to tell me a bit about that? Aud? Audrey