The Other One (2017) s01e05 Episode Script

- Right, I have
bleached the loo,
I've gone over the
Nest login with Mum,
I've emptied the bathroom bins,
and I have done a pee.
Oh, and you'll need
to hand-wash that cup.
- Yes, I will
Wow!
Schwing!
- Please don't
schwing me, Marcus!
It's objectifying and
it makes me feel old.
- Sorry.
I was just schwinging
you entirely
in the spirit of
empowerment and respect.
- I'm sorry.
Pre-wedding nerves.
- Right.
Ms Walcott, are
you ready for your
last drinks partay
as a single laday?
- Yeah.
I guess.
Right, have you
got the car keys?
- Yep here you go.
- Shit balls!
- Sorry.
Dreamer
You know you are a dreamer
Well can you put your
hands in your head?
(classical music)
- Ambassador, with these, um
- They're grape,
chutney and Brie crostini.
- With these Brie,
chutney and grape--
- I get it, Dawn.
- Grape crostini--
- Yes, you don't have to finish.
- Are really spoiling us!
Hats off!
Big time!
Is there anymore of this cava?
- It's champagne.
Make sure people know that,
and don't drink all of it!
I want there to be some
left when Marcus' parents
Oh, speak of the devil!
Shray, Mishti!
Welcome, welcome.
- I'm sorry we're
late. I had to perform
an emergency DRC, and
it rather dragged on.
- I don't know what that is but,
boy, do I like the sound of it!
- It's re-plumbing a tear duct.
- Hello, I'm Dawn.
I'm Tess' sister.
It is an honor to meet you,
Dr Tandell.
- Please, call me Mr.
- Oh, don't be so modest!
- No, I'm a surgeon.
The correct title is Mr.
It's a common mistake.
- It's Mr.
- Well, I think I
deserve a drink.
Get me a glass
would you, darling?
- So, I'm waiting with
bated breath, Mr Shray!
How did the op go?
- Well, let's just say,
when he came around,
he wept tears of joy
from both eyes.
- Oh!
- Excuse me.
- You've got lipstick
on your teeth.
- Hi!
- Right.
Let's get you set up.
You hungry?
Do you want to watch
some telly on me phone?
Oh, no, I can't.
I'm on maid of honor duty.
I've got to be on
it like a bonnet.
What's this, cheese on toast?
- Kind of, yeah.
- I'll save it for later.
- It's about sort of four inches
across, two inches wide
- Oh, no, thanks, keto diet.
- Oh, these are for
milady of the bride.
- I was just picking Mr
Shippen's brains about the--
- If you call me
Mr Shippen again,
I'm going to put
you in detention!
- Sorry!
I was just picking Sir's
brains about the wall scuff.
- What you stressing about
a scuff on the wall for?
It's your wedding eve!
- It's annoying!
I've tried putty rubber,
a damp cloth, Vanish.
Someone told me to spit
on it with vinegar.
- Have you tried a baby wipe?
- I don't use baby wipes
cos of the fatbergs.
- Do you know anyone
who's actually
seen a fatberg with
their own eyes,
or did you just read
about it in The Guardian?
Don't shoot the messenger.
Nige!
- Unbelievable!
How can he be a geography
teacher and a fatberg denier?
I thought he was one
of the good guys.
Bet he voted Leave!
- Leave what?
- So sorry, but do these
have dairy in them?
- Oh, bollocks!
- Do you need a top-up?
- Oh, thanks.
God, this is hellish!
You're a saint, you know,
waiting on these awful people.
- Oh!
I don't work here I'm a guest.
- Oh, God, I'm so sorry!
- No, not at all.
I don't want to be here either.
Who made you come?
- I'm the mother of the groom.
- Oh.
- You?
- I made love to Cathy's father
for three glorious decades.
- And that is why you
should never trust your GP.
- Sorry, ladies.
Would I be able to steal the
groom for a second, please?
Thank you.
Bit of an odd one, but
that scuff on the wall
is really bothering me, and
I was just wondering whether
you could nip me to
the DIY store, and then
I could just get it out of
my mind before we go away?
- God, Cathy I
Hi, hi, lovely to see you!
- It would just really
put my mind at rest.
- Um, look. I'm on my
third glass of fizz
- Please, Marcus!
- I don't get it.
It's just a stupid scuff.
Let's just enjoy ourselves, hm?
- Yeah you're completely right.
- Okay?
- Yeah, of course.
- [Rupert] Hey save it
for the wedding night!
- Shut up, Rupert!
- Oh, come here!
Like that.
- You know it's
staff only back here?
- Maid of honor,
access all areas.
- Yeah?
All areas?
- All areas.
Oh great job, guys.
Just to let you know that
the mini cheeses on toast
were absolutely disgusting!
But, otherwise,
you're nailing it.
- You,
Cat!
Do you see that girl over
there, by the cellist, yeah?
That is Verity Longworth,
and she's a pilot.
Verity was due to
be maid of honor
until you tipped
up on the scene.
- I mean, I am Cathy's sister.
- No!
Half-sister, you
are only a half.
- That's still 50%
more than the pilot.
- If anything goes
wrong, anything
I will blame you.
- All right, cava breath!
- It's champagne!
- And if you know your history,
said the geography teacher,
you'd realize that all
of this is just cyclical
and there's irrefutable
scientific evidence
to support it,
and you can quote me on that.
- Better not be
sending dick pics.
I'm messing, mate.
- Oh, yeah!
No, no, no I'm just
checking in on the BA app
for our flights tomorrow
after the wedding.
- Okay, cool.
Well, I can't piss
about cos I'm on duty,
but I just wanted to give
you your wedding present.
- Oh!
Oh, how kind!
We actually had a John
Lewis wedding list, so
Oh!
- My sister loves
you and, because of
the ancient code of
sisterhood, I must, on this,
your wedding eve,
extendeth my love to ye.
- Two Cathys for
the price of one!
I don't mind if I do!
- Don't cheapen the moment.
No, but, seriously, treat
her like a princess,
or I will post to all the
local forums that you sent
dick pics to your receptionist.
Have a nice night, Marcus.
- Okay.
(gasping)
- Oh, my gosh!
Oh, my gosh!
I locked it.
Did you see anything?
- No, nothing, I swear, nothing.
- Okay.
- To be honest, I
was just looking for
somewhere to lay low.
I feel like a spare prick
at an orgy out there.
- That's one way of putting it!
- Do you fancy joining
me in the party bunker?
- Maybe just the one, huh?
- Bottoms up!
Or, as Colin used to
say, up your bottom!
Mm!
Oh, I love it when
it goes up your nose!
- Hi!
Oh, enjoying the nuts, great!
Cheers!
Hey, hey, how much
have you had to drink?
- Nothing, why who said
I've been drinking?
- Huh?
No, can you drive
me to a DIY store?
- There's still
a free bar, babe!
Nobody leaves until
the free bar ends,
then everyone leaves at once.
- You know, I am
possessed by that scuff!
It's eating away at my brain!
And if I don't fix it tonight,
then it'll ruin my honeymoon.
Please!
We'll be there and
back in 20 minutes.
- Fine.
- Come on.
- A trolley for
one tin of paint?
- You never know what
you're going to get!
Oh those boxes are--
- Oh, shit keep walking.
- Well, well, well!
If it isn't Cat Wallcock!
- Never got called
that at school?
- Well, in a netball
tournament once,
someone called me Wallclot.
- Oi, dickhead!
I'm livestreaming you.
Who's this?
Your carer?
Oh, sorry your mad mum's carer.
- [Cat] Let's just go
and get your stupid paint
and go back to the party.
- Oh, that is ridiculously
good value for Dulux.
- [Tanoy] The store will
be closing in ten minutes.
Could all customers please
make your way to the tills?
Except for the slag in Aisle
Nine who should make her way
to the jet washers,
cos her fanny stinks.
- God's sake.
Got this 24/7 at school.
- Why didn't someone
say something?
- Snitches get stitches.
And besides, Mum was housebound
and Dad wouldn't be
seen in public with me.
Come on, let's just go.
- You all right?
- Yeah.
- I'm just going to
take the trolley back.
Yo Melanie, hi.
Uh, quick question,
are you aware
of the TV show
"Secret Millionaire"?
- Yeah why?
- Great.
Well, you see Catherine
Walcott out there yeah?
Well, she has just
inherited this entire empire
from a childless
uncle, and she was
about to give you a
cheque for £22,000.
But because of what you
did back there, well
you blew it.
So, joke's on you.
- Cat Walcott is a mad
fantasist who pretended
her dad was a roadie
for Nickelback
rather than admit
he'd done a runner.
Now, can you leave
the store, please?
We're closing soon.
You want to get a
takeaway tonight?
- Yeah, why not?
- Maybe Wallcock'll deliver it.
- Nobody calls my
sister Wallcock,
you messy, messy bitch!
(upbeat music)
Oh, my God!
Quick!
- Shit.
- Oh, my God.
- You're barred!
(laughing)
- Oh, my God, I can't
believe I did that.
Oh, shit.
Do you think they
got it on CCTV?
- God, yes, I hope so.
God, seriously, cheers, Cath.
You know, I've wanted to
do that since I was 11.
(phone chimes)
Oh, is that my mum?
- Hot waiter.
Oh, is it a dick pic?
I really don't want
to see a penis.
- Yeah, I bet you're sick of
them after what Marcus did.
- How do you know about that?
Why didn't you say something?
- Why didn't you
say something to me?
- I mean, he's changed.
He really is a good man.
(laughing)
- Do you think they've
even noticed we're missing?
I bet that Tess is still
up Shray's arse, eh?
- Am I being paranoid, but do
you think she doesn't like me?
(laughing)
- Yeah, I can see why she
might be a bit off with you.
You're goddamn
gorgeous, you're fun
and you're your own woman.
- Not because I've been
shagging her husband for years.
- Aw does it get any
easier, the loss?
- No.
Just think I'm getting
used to the feeling.
Everything feels a little bit
smaller and darker
without him, but
better to have loved
and lost and
One in the hand is worth
two up your bush
What
- Oh, I think you might
need another drink, my love.
- Are you serious?
You got me all the way
over here for that?
- Why would you wrap a
plastic sheet in more plastic?
It's probably going to end
up in a dolphin's lung,
do you know what I mean?
I bet Mr Shippen doesn't
even believe in plastic.
- He's got enough of it
injected in his face.
- Balls!
I must've picked
up the wrong color.
I wanted Natural Calico, and
this is bloody Mineral Mist.
- Great, wicked.
Well, just put the lid back on
and you can take it back
after your honeymoon.
Cathy, we really need
to get our skates on,
otherwise we're going
to miss the speeches.
- Do you know what?
I'm going to have to
paint the whole wall.
I'd rather have
a whole blue wall
than think about that
scuff on my honeymoon.
- Are you serious?
- Come on.
The quicker we get this done,
the quicker we can
go back to the party.
- Okay.
What?
I'm not messing up that
dress it's from Boohoo.
- Okay, so, I really
just wanted to
welcome you all here
to our little soiree.
And, in particular,
Mr Shray Tandell
and his lovely wife Misty.
- Did she just call me Misty?
- Now, if you don't
mind, I am going to
hijack the mic just
for a couple of secs.
- Sex I'd like some sex.
(laughing)
- Erm, yeah.
So, as many of you know,
this past six months has been
something of a demi-annus
horribilis for us.
And, erm, it is
true what they say,
that you really find out
who your friends are when
ca va chier dans le ventilo.
(laughing)
You'll pardon my
French pronunciation.
So, really I just wanted
to thank you all for being
bloody great mates.
And for all the lasagnas.
Most of which were home-made.
- Mine was.
- But I would like to thank
two people in particular,
erm, Cathy and Marcus.
Ever since my ex left us,
those two have been a pair
of absolute megastars.
So, I personally
would like to thank
my beloved daughter Catherine
and her rock, and mine, Marcus.
So, come on up, guys,
come on and be thanked.
(applauding)
Where's, where's Cathy?
Is she?
Cathy?
Come on don't be shy.
- Cathy?
- Cathy?
Anybody seen Cathy?
I'm not sure.
Well, let's have a toast.
A toast to the future
Mr and Mrs Tandell.
- Doctor, he's a long
way from being a Mr.
(laughing)
- To the future Doctor and Mrs
Tandell, wherever she may be.
So, to love.
- [All] To love.
- Cathy, what are you doing?
- Well, this wall isn't going
to match that wall now, is it?
- Cathy, stop.
Call it weird sister
telepathical shit,
but is this about your wedding?
- No this is about an
unfortunate scuff on the wall
and the subsequent
rectification of said scuff.
- Why are you talking
like Judge Rinder?
Look, let's just call it a day,
go to your party, we'll
have a spring roll.
- It's not my party, is it?
It's my mum's party.
And she's only
throwing it so that
she can pretend to all of her
friends that everything's
bloody brilliant without Dad.
- Well, yeah, it's still
a bit shit to do a runner.
- Oh, I get it.
Of course.
You just want to go back
and bone that waiter.
- Why are you being a dick?
Just give me the brush.
- No.
- This is an intervention.
Just give me the brush.
- No!
- Fine.
Give me the brush.
- No it's my brush!
It's my brush!
- I want the brush, Cathy.
- No, get off it!
- Give me the brush!
What is wrong with you?
Give it to me.
- Mad, mad!
- Cathy!
Get away!
- Come back!
- No.
- Just give me my brush.
- No.
- [Cathy] Catherine
Walcott, come back here now.
- No no!
- Let me in!
- [Cat] This is for
your own good, Cathy.
- Grrr!
- [Cat] Go away you're mental.
What is wrong with you?
Crazy woman!
You need help!
It's me, you still at the party?
- Marcus.
- Argh!
Dad, you gave me a shock.
- I'm going to ask
you a question.
- No, I'm okay.
- We have an
expression in surgery
As hire As,
and Bs hire Cs.
Basically, brilliant
people surround themselves
with other brilliant
people in order to succeed.
Whereas, those on the
rung below, the Bs,
they feel threatened and
so hire even worse people
to make themselves look good.
- Oh, yes, I listened to
a Freakonomics podcast--
- No, there isn't an equivalent
down in General Practice
because, basically, it's one guy
in a cupboard
diagnosing sniffles,
whereas, up in surgery,
where it's literally a
matter of life and death,
you have to have complete
trust in your team.
- I'd like to think
that I save the odd one.
- What I'm getting at is
truthfully, what
letter is Cathy?
- A.
Definitely.
- There you go.
I guess that's where love
differs from surgery.
She must really love you.
- Yeah, she does.
- Ugh, God, I need a whisky.
This cheap
champagne's revolting.
Where the fuck is your mother?
(laughing)
- Catherine Walcott, you'd
better have a very good excuse
for why you're
not at that hotel.
- She's downstairs.
(crying)
- What's going on?
- Cat took my brush.
I just need to finish the wall.
It's raining so hard
Looks like it's going
to rain all night
And this is the time
I'd love to be
holding you tight
What are you doing?
- What does it look
like I'm doing?
I'm not going to let some
wall ruin your honeymoon.
- Gosh, that is very
good value for Dulux.
(laughing)
- Can I just ask, are you
sure you didn't see
anything earlier?
You know, when I was peeing?
- Not a sausage.
Would it even matter if I did?
- I know, but
it's just I have this
weird fear of being seen naked.
I've had it since
I was a teenager.
I
I shower in a bathing suit.
- But you've got a great bod!
- No, I don't but
thank you.
- I've got this thing
about the outdoors.
I can barely leave the house.
God, what is wrong with us?
- Cheers For Fears!
- Oh!
I love that band.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Come to think of it, I got
off with the drummer once.
- No.
- He had a massive--
- I've been looking
for you for 20 minutes.
I'm off to bed come on.
- I'm going to stay
here, actually.
- I beg your pardon?
- I'm going to stay here
with my friend Marilyn.
She's on the same floor.
- Fine.
Don't wake me up.
- Cock.
(laughing)
- Good job well done, that.
And I didn't mess up my dress.
- Right, you go up
and have a shower
and I'll clean up down here.
- Mum, can you stay
in my room tonight?
- Of course I will.
Which means you can stay in
my room if you like, Cat.
- Oh, no, I'm good
I'm out of here.
Love you,
you knobhead.
- Love you.
- Thank you
for calling.
And for staying.
And I'm, I'm sorry
about earlier.
- It's family, innit?
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got an extremely horny
hot waiter waiting for
me in the hotel room.
- Just to the third
tree and back, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Fear is not the boss of us.
Ready?
You're naked!
And I'm outdoors!
Mishti?
Mishti!
- Shit.
Shit!
Get out of bed.
Why didn't you set the alarm?
Oh, you have the first shower.
I can make do with
a hooker's flannel.
Come on we haven't
got time for this.
- I don't think I love Marcus.
Why didn't you say
something before?
- I guess the wedding was the
only thing keeping you going
and I didn't want
to let you down.
- How long have
you felt like this?
- A few months.
Maybe a year.
Maybe longer, if
I'm brutally honest.
I'm so sorry, Mum.
- Don't be sorry.
You can't marry him
if you don't love him.
I was crazy about your
dad when I married him.
I mean
you know, it ended
how it ended, but
I could never say
I didn't love him.
- Are you sure you're not cross?
- Oh, come here.
Okay.
We'd better cancel
this fucking wedding.
(laughing)
- Of course Marcus would be
late for his own bloody wedding.
(phone chimes)
- Oh, God.
- Shit the bed!
- [Tanoy] The arrival of flight
BA1392 from London Heathrow.
- Did you speak to her?
- No, I texted Mum.
I thought it was best
to let the dust settle.
- Are you sure that
you want to do this?
- Yes, Meredith.
I realized two big
things last night.
You're the only one that
loves me for being a B.
And also, my
father's a massive C.
- I don't get it.
- It doesn't matter.
Come here.
Come on.
- Cathy.
Cathy, I've left you,
like, a million messages.
- Listen, I've got to
tell you something.
- He's not here.
- Who?
- Marcus.
Marcus has just
text his mum saying
that he's not coming
to the wedding.
- What?
You're confused, I'm the one
not coming to the wedding.
- Sorry, Cath, man, but I think
you've been stood
up at the altar.
- No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Me.
I stood him up at the altar.
I'm the one not
coming to the wedding.
I'm standing him up!
(screaming)
Don't you want
somebody to love?
Don't you need
somebody to love?
Wouldn't you love
somebody to love?
You better find
somebody to love
Love love
When the garden flowers