The Paper (2025) s01e05 Episode Script

1
ESMERALDA: Pride month is starting.
We have to get ready.
This meeting is about the pride float.
I thought maybe gay pride and prejudice.
- It's too stiff.
- Dungeons and drag queens.
- Ha!
- Hell yeah.
I hate that so much.
Pride float is supposed
to be a lot of fun.
No, I'm not gay.
I Um [CLICKS TONGUE]
Ned asked me to be there,
and he didn't say why,
but I assumed
it was to reel Esmeralda in.
How would everyone feel about
Esmeralda throwing
rainbow-colored toilet rolls
into the crowd at the parade?
I don't think that's necessary.
No one wants rainbow toilet paper.
Love your opinion.
Oscar, your voice
is incredibly valuable.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Market research shows that
these are gonna be
absolutely huge in June.
And if we want to keep up
with the big boys,
we need to go even further.
- Maybe make some brunch napkins.
- Oh, yes.
Something like that.
Gays love brunch.
I love celebrating
the LGBTQIA plus community.
If it was down to me
our corporation would support
gay people all year round.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
NED: Hey, everyone.
Meet Toledo PD's
Detective Arnold.
[SLOW CLAPPING]
Thanks, Travis. How's your dad?
He is in a really bad place right now.
Oh.
The detective has been briefing me
about a very important
public safety matter.
- He's made me a kind of deputy.
- No.
Not a deputy,
but, uh, I have been deputized.
No, you have not.
But you agree I've been briefed?
Sure.
Uh, is this a true crime?
And if so, how detailed
are you gonna get?
I love true crime.
Calms me down before I go to sleep.
Oh, my God, me too.
I was like this close
to starting a murder podcast.
I'd listen to that.
I'm afraid this is worse.
Worse than murder?
No, worse than a murder podcast.
An alt-comedy podcast
with a religious bent?
That bad. I mean,
we're talking about a catfisher
who's preying on women online.
Well, American women are so gullible.
Do you know that over half of them die
from eating expired food?
What? Seriously?
- Like, is that per year?
- See?
Thank you, Detective Arnold.
I have your number because
you gave it to me
on this card.
No? Oh, sorry.
And I just want to say thanks,
and I'll check in with you
this afternoon.
Only if it's important.
- Yeah, fine.
- Oh, no, no.
Hey, I wouldn't take
the softies whiteboards.
Kimberly gets really territorial
about them.
Kimberly will be fine.
- Okay, everybody.
- Eh
I think this could be
a good story for today's paper.
- I love catfish.
- This is what we know so far.
I'm referring to me and the police.
So, a serial catfisher
on the dating app Latch
has been posing as
service members who grew up in Toledo.
This catfisher matches
on the app with a real Toledoan
and then reveals that they
are "stationed in Germany."
After a lot of flattery
and flirtation over DM,
the catfish drops that
they don't have enough money
to come home for Thanksgiving.
We see where this is going.
The pathetic mark, out of pity,
or more probably lust
These are lonely people.
they start wiring money
to the catfish.
At first, just enough
for the plane ticket home
from Germany to Ohio,
but soon
the love letters multiply, okay,
along with requests for more funds.
The nicknames the catfish
will often use.
- Sweet Cheeks.
- [ADELOLA LAUGHS]
- It's not funny.
- Sorry.
NED: Baby Babe. Cookie Princess.
Baby Baby.
And babe babe,
also sometimes just baby,
but you should look out for all of them.
No way.
[MARE GASPS]
What's going on?
I'm concerned for a friend of mine.
She is like a sister to me.
She is like Yeah, dark hair,
tiny, beautiful.
She's like a twin.
Like, imagine the German version of me.
So I'm just a bit worried
that she could be the victim
of this dangerous internet catman.
ADELOLA: Oh, she's so got catfished.
You're burnt, Esmeralda!
NICOLE: What's the beef
with me and Esmeralda?
Well, I made a list.
She told me my voice puts her to sleep.
She told me to put on blush
because I blended into the white wall.
I dress like I shop from a box
of clothes from an estate sale
for an old man who died a virgin.
That one's oddly specific.
Oh, yeah, and she made me
buy her son a guinea pig
with my own money.
So, yeah, I'm gonna hit her
while she's down.
It looked like she saw a ghost.
That's what that was.
NED: Oh, wow. This could be
a huge story for us.
This could be a three-parter.
The Cleveland plane dealer
won a Sydney award last year
for my steps on the cult leader.
Ooh! I read that. I blame the dad.
Imagine, right? The first installment,
we just say the facts.
Then we reveal it happened
to one of our own.
Part two, we publish the DMs.
Can the victim ever trust again?
Then, oh, my God. Part three,
are our apps failing us?
How can she find love now? Ah!
- [WHISPERS] Oh, God.
- She has a son too.
Oh, did he ever call him dad?
Hee-hee! Four parts!
How much money do you think
she gave him?
- 1200. Easy.
- DETRICK: Nah, that's a lot.
- [LAUGHS] Should we bet on it?
- MARE: You guys,
I know what we're thinking.
We don't actually know.
And honestly, we really
shouldn't be victim shaming,
even if the victim is
A self-hating woman who has
way too many serpent bells.
A really mean lady.
All right. We got it out of our system.
That is a strong six parts
and a possible making of.
I'm going to go talk to her.
NICOLE & DETRICK: Oh
I just want to say for the record, guys,
catfish are beautiful creatures
and they don't deserve
to be slandered like this.
Who the [BLEEP] took my whiteboard?
- Hey, buddy.
- Hi.
Couldn't help noticing
you reacted pretty strongly
to that catfishing story back there.
I react strongly to everything.
Life is strong, and I'm a strong woman.
I don't mean to pry, but [SIGHS]
have you been corresponding
with a serviceman
stationed in Germany by any chance?
I'm sorry, I think I didn't hear you.
Actually, I think
I'm feeling a bit dizzy.
- Oh, okay.
- [MOANS]
Can you please blow
on the part of my hair?
Sure, sure, sure.
I was an elite toilet paper salesman,
and that takes patience.
People don't always need toilet paper
when you're trying to sell it to them.
But eventually, they will need it.
And who will be there when
they need to use the bathroom?
What's his name?
Jarson.
- His name is Jarson?
- Yes.
It's a common American name.
It's It's Jason and Jared combined.
Ah! Okay.
You know, I'd love to ask
you and Jarson a few questions
about your relationship.
How did you meet?
[APP CHIMES]
Ah! [LAUGHS]
Oh, my God, he just replied!
Oh, he messaged you back right now?
He must have awoken
in the middle of the German night
to urinate, you know?
Thinking about me.
- [LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHS]
So he's not scamming me!
- Sounds Sounds real.
- That's what he's saying!
He's saying that he feels very bad
about borrowing money from me,
and he can't wait to pay it back.
He's very excited about it.
So perhaps it's going to happen
on our first anniversary.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]
- No story there.
- No.
- I feel so relieved.
- That is exciting.
- Can I speak to Jarson?
- No.
- No?
- No.
- Can Can I see those messages?
- No, no, no.
- Okay.
- No.
Please, Esmeralda, so I just
I think it's really important, okay?
- Yes.
- Um, that you understand
that you could help a lot of people
by participating in this story,
but first
Yes.
You need to admit the truth to yourself.
Here's my truth.
I need you to go away
because I need to take
some nudes to send to Jarson.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- Sure.
- Ciao.
Mm-hmm.
She shouldn't be taking nudes.
ADELOLA: Yeah, no, I'll stick with that.
Okay, so that is 2500 for Adelola.
So I guess 2501.
Don't you box me in, you son of a bitch.
Esmeralda's not ready to talk yet.
We cannot get to a six-parter
without somebody's
point of view. What do we do?
Why don't we just make Latch profiles?
- Yes!
- So we can catfish Esmeralda
into doing the story?
No. Well, maybe.
I think Mare is saying
so we can try to get a nibble
from the real catfish.
Does anybody
already have a Latch profile?
- Mm-hmm.
- [CLICKS TONGUE] I do.
So, last week, Nicole and I, um
[CLICKS TONGUE] we finally hung out.
Then a couple nights later,
we hung out again.
I deleted my app immediately
after the first hangout
when she was in the bathroom.
But I think we're gonna
take things slow.
So, um, I won't mention it.
You're not on Latch?
I deactivated my Latch account.
Well, you didn't have to do that.
Yeah, yeah. I I know.
I just needed more storage on my phone.
Okay, well, you should reactivate it.
Right. For the story.
And to meet girls.
Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. For sex, right?
NICOLE: We're having
a lot of fun with each other,
but he's still Detrick Work
in my phone contacts.
NED: All right, everybody else
create your Latch profiles,
and I will try to coax a yes
out of Esmeralda.
Oh, guys, this is wrong.
Come on. She's down at least 4,000.
- NICOLE: Yeah.
- ADELOLA: Mm
Ooh, the nudes, 4200.
Mm-hmm.
Hey. Tea delivery.
Thank you.
Such a nice idea for someone
that drinks only coffee.
You know, I've had this experience
happen to me, actually.
When I was in eighth grade,
I gave my padlock combo to a girl
who told me she was gonna
decorate my locker.
She stole my backpack.
[LAUGHING] Oh
I'm sorry.
[CONTINUES LAUGHING]
Ah I'm sorry.
If you don't do this interview,
you let other people tell your story.
- [LAUGHS] delusional.
- [CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
So what?
What's all the talk about?
What are the chattering
chickens clacking about?
My boyfriend?
Here he is.
[ESMERALDA SIGHS]
That's a picture of him
holding a picture of me.
Look at his hands, like,
the way he holds my picture.
That looks like Josh Holloway.
No, that's my Jerson.
- That guy?
- Yes.
- From Lost?
- Yeah, he was.
Until he found me.
Whoa, that's That's Sawyer from Lost.
Josh Holloway. Rourke from Yellowstone.
- MARE: That's great.
- He lives in Hawaii.
- Or so I've heard.
- Yeah, Esmeralda, that's
That's just a famous actor
the catfisher is using
to seem attractive. I mean,
Jarson could be anybody.
- He might be 11 years old.
- Ooh!
Yes, of course. [LAUGHS]
When there is a group of single women
and one woman finds happiness in love,
the other single women
try to take that happy woman down.
You know, like, um,
in a bowling pot of lobsters,
you know, lobsters?
Do you know that the male lobsters
all lazily accept their fate,
while the female lobsters
try to get out,
but, you know, clawing down
each other during the process?
They will not claw down this lobster.
Hey, I thought you weren't
creating a Latch profile
because you were scared of Summer.
My wife is not the boss of me.
My boss is the boss of me.
And my boss told me to create
a bangin' profile, so
ADELOLA: That is a lot of right swipes
for a guy with four kids.
Wait, I know this girl.
Alyssa. I went to junior high
with her. I liked her.
Summer told me she died.
I sent, like, an Edible Arrangements
and everything.
Hey, Mare?
Yes?
Yeah, what's a fun military slang?
What is this?
You're doing a Sporcle quiz?
No, I'm updating my Latch profile.
I figure a good victim
would be a fan of the military.
You just wanted me to pop out
a fun term for you?
Sounds like a lot of stolen valor, Ned.
Oh, no, no, no.
I didn't mean to do that.
I'm screwing with you.
Say that you're into, um
Squids. That means Navy.
"I like squid." Great.
Okay, now I get to see
the rest of your profile.
- Mm
- What?
To be clear, as your boss,
I am not asking you
to look at my dating profile,
nor, frankly, I'm not sure why
you would even want to do that.
Okay, it's for work, so it's fine.
- Okay.
- Thank you. Ahem.
I may be 6'3", but I still
like being the little spoon.
Okay, this isn't work.
Razzing me, not a part of work.
[LAUGHS]
[SIGHS]
This is potentially
a huge opportunity for me.
They say that if you nurse
a wounded tiger back to good health,
he won't attack you.
Eh
- Get out.
- And off I go.
[KEYBOARD CLACKING]
- So, I re-downloaded Latch.
- Uh-huh.
It's funny because I randomly had
so many messages in my inbox.
Look, it's the 5 AM weather girl
from WNWO.
- Uh-huh.
- She's practically famous.
What are you doing?
I am letting Esmeralda's
professional colleagues know
that she's going through
a difficult time
so they can reach out.
You think that's something
she wants you to do?
I don't think she's in
the right frame of mind
to know what she needs.
- MARE: Okay.
- Don't delete my Frisbee shot.
That's my best picture.
The angle makes my arms look thick.
What is it with you and headwear?
I mean, who do you think
you are, Diane Keaton?
Ooh! You look rich in this photo.
That is good Jarson bait.
Actually, you look rich
in a lot of these photos.
- No, I don't.
- I'm sorry.
Does your family own
their own pickleball court?
That's not pickleball.
It's platform tennis.
My uncle had one installed
two summers ago,
and he is strictly middle class.
Mm-hmm.
That was a huge part
of his mayoral platform.
Sweetie, she was a good friend of mine.
Or is a good friend of mine.
I just haven't seen her in years
because you told me she was dead.
Well, I I care because it's not true.
You didn't just get it wrong.
You told me she hit her head
on a coral reef
off of Komodo Island
and the dragons got to what was left.
It was very graphic.
No, no No, no, no. No.
I told you that was for work.
Uh, well, you're not
supporting me as a journalist.
This is exactly why I keep
my private life private
and never mess with
dating apps of any kind.
[APP NOTIFICATIONS CHIMING ON PHONE]
ESMERALDA: Hey, party people!
Esmeralda, hey, I was just
coming to check on you.
I have an announcement.
Jarson just sent me proof
his love for me is real.
Hey, darling. This is Jarson.
To let you know just how adored
you really are, Esmeralda.
- Oh, me too. I love you, amore.
- See?
Now, I hope this proves
to your office friends
that Jarson is real.
Jarson is not scamming you.
And Jarson loves you.
So my sweetie just proved
that his love for me is real.
And he just looks like that
Josh Halloween person.
How do you explain the other victims?
That's a very romantic story. [LAUGHS]
Because he's actually
my personal Robin Hood.
Yes, he scammed other women.
But it's just because
he wanted to buy jewels for me
that he will bring
when we meet in person.
- Oh, honey.
- I think it's a cameo video.
TRAVIS: Yeah, there was a glaring edit.
And I'll tell you what,
he should have used AI to smooth it out.
The catfisher paid Josh to make a video.
That's how come
he keeps talking about Jarson
in the third person.
You don't believe in love.
People talk like that all the time.
Esmeralda thinks you're all stupid!
See?
What do you want?
I just want you to listen, okay?
I know this is embarrassing.
For you, maybe, because you're so alone.
And I'm so loved.
You are his piggy bank, okay?
He's taking advantage of you.
I'm taking care of him.
That's what a woman does.
A woman makes her man happy.
And I bet that $50
would make him very happy right now.
What, did you just wire him more money?
- [LAUGHS] Oh
- [COMPUTER CHIMES]
I did it again.
No, no, no. That's $150. Please stop.
You keep talking. I keep sending.
Allora, our hearts are
connected through Cash App.
So as soon as I feel something,
he feels it on his end too.
Stop. Stop it, please.
Just on a money level.
I cannot allow this.
It's so wasteful. Stop.
Okay. All right.
[LAUGHS]
Whoa.
Need any help?
Uh, I'm okay. Kinda on a roll.
Cameo.
What's up?
Oh. [CHUCKLES] I was, uh
I was wondering if you
wanted to hang out after work.
Gloria, the weather lady,
she's kinda hitting me up about tonight.
[SIGHS] Nope. I'm good.
Okay. You sure?
Because I don't have to hang out
Yeah, have fun tonight.
Maybe we can I don't know,
get together tomorrow
or something, okay?
Yeah. Um, cool. Thanks.
Don't keep her out too late.
She has to be at work at 4 a.m.
All right.
[TYPEWRITER CLACKING, CHIMES]
Okay, I haven't seen your bio.
We are definitely not done here.
How do you still have access
to my Latch profile?
You forgot to log out.
Well-behaved women seldom make history.
It aligns with my politics
and, you know, invites
a certain degree of mischief.
Okay, you left story
from your childhood blank.
What do you got there?
You know, something cute,
but, you know,
also shows you as a caretaker.
Potential prey
for the Jarsons of the world.
I used to cut my grandmother's toenails.
Is that a thing?
What, she-she didn't like
anyone else doing it
after her arthritis got bad.
I didn't mind. She's family.
She'd kick me in the face
if I cut them too short.
R.I.P. Granny Raz.
You sure that's funnier than
my ultimate Frisbee team story?
How half of them thought
I was left-handed when I wasn't?
Both of them make me nauseous,
but for different reasons.
Why don't you keep working
on the story and just
Yeah, I'll tinker with this.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
MARE: The grandma story was gross,
but it was also really sweet.
I'd swipe right on that.
Hey, Adam, any hits?
Summer changed my password,
and she's sending pictures of our kids
- to all of my matches, so.
- Adelola?
Oh, yeah, I got plenty of matches, heh.
But none of them
are asking me for money, so.
Learning about the catfishing today
has been a real eye-opener.
It has given me the tools needed
to extract $1400 from six old men.
I just gave Adelola $300.
She doesn't know it was me.
I catfished her. [CHUCKLES]
Now, it's an expensive hobby,
but I see how it can be addictive.
Hey, Detrick, what about you?
Um, no scammers,
but I do have a date later
with the meteorologist from WNWO.
ADAM: Gloria Tornado?
- That's the one.
- Lucky.
Sorry, Chief. I know you wanted
a first-person story.
It's fine. Detective Arnold said
he'd put me in touch with
some of the other victims, so.
They're coming in to be interviewed.
[LAUGHS] Oh, my God.
Oh, wow.
They believe that my Jerson
could love them?
Whatever they paid just to think
about it was worth it.
Oh, mama mia.
What did he tell you, my dear?
He promised.
He was about to bring me
Prussian jewels.
And he never showed.
How about you, my good sir?
He was gonna come visit me,
and his ticket was stolen
in the Stuttgart airport.
WOMAN: Me too.
Jarson was mugged at the airport
on his way to see me.
- Twice.
- NED: All right.
Let me ask you another question.
Have any of you seen the TV show Lost?
- Were we supposed to?
- No.
And, you know, I'd skip it.
[GROANS]
- MARE: All right.
- [KNOCKS]
- Hey.
- You owe me.
Well. Look who knows what they're doing.
- Me.
- Oh, wow. I got a match.
I should have said that in a cooler way.
It's good that you stayed true
to yourself in that moment.
First Lieutenant Joanne Schofield
is matching with me.
- Is that him? Is he in Germany?
- No.
It says she's one town over,
and she's asking if I want to get pizza.
Oh. Oh, cool.
No, it's good. At least
you got something out of it.
And hopefully
we get a hit from Jarson too.
But it works.
- Mission accomplished.
- Great.
Ah.
No?
- Am I not allowed to salute you?
- No, I'm not an officer.
But salute Joanne.
"Sorry, Joanne.
"I don't like pizza.
But thank you for your service."
- [COMPUTER CHIMES]
- [WHISPERING] Yes!
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Uh, hey,
everyone, check out the news.
Hello, Esmeralda.
It's me, Josh Holloway,
from "Lost" and "Yellowstone"
and that under-seen show, "Colony."
Anyway, your coworker, Nicole,
bought this for you on Cameo
so you could hear it from me.
I'm not Jarson.
I'm Josh Holloway.
I'm not your boyfriend.
I don't know how our wires got crossed.
I just say what they tell me
to say on here.
But we're not in love.
I'm in love with my wife, Yessica.
I'm sorry. Mahalo.
[OSCAR SIGHS]
NICOLE: Hey, I
[OSCAR SIGHS]
OSCAR: Well, he was in Hawaii.
ADELOLA: What?
Hey, has anyone seen Esmeralda?
I want to give her
a last chance to get a quote in.
- You seen her?
- She headed for the stairs.
NED: Thanks.
KEN: Ay-yi-yi
I wouldn't do that.
If I want your advice, I'll ask for it.
[CURSING IN ITALIAN]
Son of a bitch!
[CURSING IN ITALIAN CONTINUES]
What you watching?
Uh Jarson's show.
- Hmm.
- Lost.
I mean, Josh's.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
You were the closest with $4,200.
If it helps, I think he's dead
for the whole show.
NED: We'll run the story without her.
She's not up to a six-part series.
The Sydney Award can wait.
It's monthly.
[CRYING]
- NICOLE: Hey. Um
- [MARE CLEARS THROAT]
A couple of us are going to
ladies' night at Macaroni Barn.
You wanna come?
Come on.
We can use some alpha energy
out on the dance floor.
[MOUTHING WORDS]
[RAP MUSIC BLARING] ALL: Yes!
NICOLE: Get it, Esmeralda!
Yes, Esmeralda!
This is my freedom now
This is my freedom ♪
Who got the keys ♪
[UPBEAT THEME PLAYING]
It's so good to meet you, Detrick.
Nice to meet you.
What a beautiful night out.
Yeah, you called it.
A lot of men are intimidated by a woman
who talks about the weather on TV.
[SHRILL LAUGHING]
[UPBEAT THEME PLAYING]