This Is a Gardening Show (2026) s01e05 Episode Script

[mellow music playing]
[Zach] Who's anti-garden?
I've never met anyone who goes,
"God, I don't wanna go in a garden."
It's usually,
"Oh, let's go look at a garden."
You can bond
with people at the bowling alley, sure.
You can bond with people,
in my case, at Renaissance fairs.
If I were to…
Very pompously,
if I were to offer a remedy
to the human condition,
it would be a garden.
Or acid.
Call out the instigators ♪
Because there's something in the air ♪
We've got to get together
Sooner or later ♪
Because the revolution's here ♪
And you know it's right ♪
We have got to get it together now ♪
[song fades out]
[Zach whistling]
[liquid flowing]
[Zach] Give me a second!
[woman] Do you need TP?
[Zach] No, I don't need TP.
Oh, you know what?
I do need to wipe off my urethra.
[corn rustling]
Corn.
Completely domesticated
and a product of inbreeding,
like myself.
But how do we get from this to this?
It's fascinating. Let's find out.
[mellow music playing]
[bell ringing]
-[Zach] Hi. What's your name?
-Sky.
Hey, Sky. I'm Zach. Nice to meet you.
Oh. The old-fashioned Bob Dole handshake.
-What's your name?
-Beckett.
Hey, Beckett. Have a seat.
[mellow music playing]
-You like corn?
-Yeah.
I'm talking about the vegetable,
not the band.
I know everybody likes the band.
No.
-Hi.
-What's your name?
-Ava.
-Ava. Zach. Nice to meet you.
-Your name spelled backwards is Ava.
-Yeah.
My name spelled backwards is
Sikanaifilaghcaz.
Sawyer. Zach.
-Hello.
-No, you can shake my thumb.
-How old are you?
-7 and a half.
Turning 8 in a couple days.
What would you like
for your birthday this year? Corn?
-[laughs]
-Wouldn't that be nice?
A nice ear of corn?
Would you be disappointed?
[laughing] Kind of, 'cause I got corn.
Yeah, I know.
Who wants corn for their birthday?
I don't know.
-What grade are you in?
-Three.
-You just started third?
-Yeah.
So did my son.
-Uh, do you know how to read?
-Yes.
Oh, he doesn't.
-You know how to write?
-Yes.
Must be nice for your parents.
[clears throat]
-By the way, your hair is amazing.
-[giggles]
I got a feeling
you don't brush it in the morning.
Me either.
-Yeah. We don't have time.
-[dramatic music playing]
You and I have busy lives.
We don't have time to groom.
We've gotta get out of the door
and see the world
and make the world happen.
We're not gonna live our lives
how Madison Avenue
tells us to brush our hair,
what kind of clothes to wear,
and Hollywood and all that crap.
You and I are rebels. We don't care.
[music ends abruptly]
-That was a good speech, wasn't it?
-[giggles]
-You like corny jokes?
-Mmm.
"What did the corn say
when it received a compliment?"
I don't know.
"Aw, shucks."
Hmm. I'll do it again,
'cause it might… It may…
Let me just do it again.
"What did the corn say
when it got a compliment?"
"Aw, shucks"?
Yeah, it's not a test. I…
I don't know.
"Aw, shucks."
"What do you call corn…
call corn that joins the army?"
Beckett, what do you wanna talk about?
Anything you want to say.
I have a lizard.
And what do you feed it?
-Crickets.
-[whispering] Corn. Just say corn.
-Crickets.
-Crickets?
If you ever want to get some crickets,
you should come to one of my shows.
Yeah, hold on one second.
I'm getting a call.
Hello? Oh.
-Um…
-Hello?
I can barely hear you. This is corn.
That's not funny.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
Here, for you.
Me name is corn.
[both laughing]
That's what you say is, "Me name is corn"?
[both laughing]
[mellow music playing]
My name is corn.
You answered a corn as a phone,
and you said, "Me name is corn"?
Not even, "This is corn."
You said, "Me is corn."
Is that how you…?
Wait, I think you're getting a call
from the corn again.
Hello?
Yeah, me is corn.
[laughing]
Yeah. Yeah, he's here. Okay.
[laughing] Me is corn.
Me is corn.
-Yeah.
-I got a corn phone.
Yeah. Don't forget to answer it in school.
[Sawyer] Me is corn.
-[laughing]
-[Sawyer] Corn!
[upbeat synth rock music playing]
[crowing]
-[Zach whistling]
-[music fades out]
[birds calling]
[Zach] Hmm.
Now I'm gonna go talk corn
with Murray from McNab's Farm.
[crunching]
-[mellow music playing]
-Murray!
Keep it down,
the pigs in the back there. Holy .
[Zach] Murray!
Where is he? Murray!
-Murray!
-[music ends]
-[tractor approaching]
-I think I hear Murray.
Here we go. Here comes Murray.
[mellow music playing]
[Zach] Does it have another speed?
Will you let me know
if he looks like he's gonna kill me?
I mean… I mean that
during the interview too.
That's a nice tractor.
-[engine stops]
-[parking brake engages]
-How you doing, Murray?
-Not too bad.
I'm Zach.
Murray, if I could get out of the tractor.
-What year is this?
-Oh… Just bought it.
Yeah, it looks brand-new. I was way off.
Well, what should we do?
Should we just walk around?
-Where do you guys want us?
-[man] Sweet corn, some corn.
Corn? Okay, well,
then we're going down that way.
I'm not too good on walking.
Well, what do you want me to do?
[tractor engine starts]
[funky, upbeat music playing]
[vocalizing]
Murray, will you…
Murray, can you just hold up?
Do you, uh…
How long has your family been
in the corn business?
[parking brake engages]
I'm out of breath.
Sorry about S detour,
but this is the corn that's ready.
I'm gonna ask
a couple stupid questions, okay?
'Cause I don't know much about corn.
You know corn's ready
when the… the size of it, right?
Yes, and sometimes
you can smell that it's ready.
But this here, if you feel it,
you can see it's a good size,
and it's got some looseness at the top.
Look at that beauty.
This isn't all hand-picked.
-Oh yes.
-You hand-pick this corn?
Yeah. And don't start asking me
if it's a grain or not.
'Cause I never looked it up.
Is this a grain?
I think it might be,
but don't quote me on that.
What do you mean? That corn is a grain?
I don't know what a grain is really.
Okay, well, I don't either,
but we're gonna have
the cornologist here later.
-Is that really what they're called?
-I don't think so.
-Oh.
-But it sounds good.
-It was a little corny, but…
-Mmm.
Anybody ever come in here,
try to do a crop circle?
No.
Any idiot with a center point
and rope can make a crop circle.
-You don't think they're aliens?
-No.
-They're just drunk kids doing it?
-No, old people with a piece of board.
-You've probably seen it on TV.
-What do you mean, old people?
-By that--
-Well, like our age.
-Our age?
-Well, you look 70-ish.
[laughing]
[mellow music playing]
[Zach] The process
of getting the corn going,
how many days
do you start seeing a little life come up?
[Murray] Well, when it's nice and warm,
I would say it's only a week, ten days.
-[Zach] Is there a lot of babysitting?
-No. Aside from keeping things watered,
that would be it.
You grow candy corn here?
No, I don't.
This corn is still not ready yet.
And this is all self-pollinating, right?
Yes. This is where
the pollen comes on the top
and goes down
onto the hairs of the corn cob.
-This just falls down, starts pollinating?
-Yeah.
[Zach] And each one of these hairs
represents one kernel?
[Murray] Each hair has to get
some pollen on it,
or you get cobs of corn
that have gaps in them.
What's the number one enemy here
to the corn?
-[cawing]
-Well, we can hear…
-Crows.
-The , I call them.
-Uh, ravens, they are.
-[cawing]
Is that the Latin term, ?
Yeah, I think it is.
What do you do about that?
Well, sometimes
some hot lead quickly past their ears.
-Not in their ears?
-No, no.
-You ever been chased by them?
-That's why I got this whoopee stick here.
Beat the out of them .
And so that's about all I know
about this corn.
[laughing]
[birds cawing]
[mellow music playing]
I keep interviewing farmers and gardeners,
and people seem to be happy,
and people pretty much have
a good sense of humor.
Oh, that's good.
Until you.
You don't have any extra tractors
for sale, do you?
-No.
-Good talk.
But I got one with three wheels.
Does it originally have four wheels?
It did have the four, yeah,
and the steering wheel.
But, uh, you're a bit old
to be getting into machinery.
I know. I'm in my seventies, like you.
That hair is crazy and gray. Like…
My hair?
Do you have any Just for Men
back at the house?
Like Viagra?
-Nope.
-Oh.
[mellow music playing]
[Zach] This work is very rewarding,
I would imagine.
[Murray] Oh, there's no life like it. Uh…
When you've been picking rocks
in the same place for 60 years,
you know, you have some feeling for it,
and, uh, I guess that's why we carry on.
I still got a few years left, good years,
and then there'll be the diaper years.
[Zach] I can't wait till the diaper years.
-Are you gonna get back in the tractor?
-Okay.
-I wish I could drive it.
-Well, you could.
-[Zach] I can?
-[Murray] Yep.
I might have to just sorta start it
and put it in gear for you.
-I know what I'm doing.
-Oh, horse .
-[engine starts]
-[Murray] Holy , they got trouble.
We got the emergency brake on.
That's another thing. Okay.
-I just told you the brake was on.
-Okay, okay. Back up.
-All right, here we go.
-Stand on it.
Don't drive over my pumpkins. You got her.
-I'll go that way.
-Yeah. Come on this way.
-I know, but…
-You turn.
I know. They're in the way.
Yeah. There you go. Okay.
Am I gonna take a left here? It goes fast.
Keep over that way a bit.
Get over that way.
-Holy , man! The pumpkins.
-Oh! Oh! Okay.
-[Zach] I don't wanna hit the corn.
-[Murray] Whoa! Oh !
Murray, we're getting ready to talk
to a corn historian, if you would.
Do you know anything
about the… the story of corn at all?
No, quite frankly, I don't, and…
I don't give a damn.
Well, the…
[mellow music playing]
[Michael] Food is one of the topics
that I study in archeology,
and we began to find corn
in an ancient village site
that we were working at
in Chiapas, Mexico.
We took samples of that carbonized corn
and sent it to a radiocarbon laboratory.
How old was it?
Over 3,000 years old.
Wow.
-Older than Murray.
-[Michael] So…
[both laugh]
How does a plant like this
eventually evolve?
It evolves through human intervention.
The wild ancestor of corn
is a wild grass called teosinte.
[mellow music playing]
Here is an example of teosinte.
So this is the great-great-great-great-
grandmother or grandfather, if you will.
Of all the corn
that we see around us in this field.
-[mellow music playing]
-[Zach] Wow!
So here is an ear of teosinte
that has individual kernels on it…
Look at that.
…each of which is covered
in a very hard shell.
That hard shell is what retracted in
to become the cob.
The modern cob is a genetic modification
of what was the outer shell in teosinte,
a product of human selection
for the attributes of the plant
that they were interested in.
Humans made it like this.
Humans made it like this.
And in a way, it now has made humans.
-Wow.
-In other words, humans--
[horn honking]
Doesn't he know we're trying to film?
I think he misses us.
How old is Murray?
[Zach] We can't tell.
-We're gonna send a rope down.
-[Murray] Yeah.
-Hi, Murray.
-Hello.
-Have you guys met?
-[Michael] Hi, Murray.
Hi. Pleased to meet you.
[Zach] Murray, we have a corn doctor here.
Murray has a question.
[Michael] Oh, what was that?
-Is corn a grain?
-Oh, yes.
Maybe you could tell us.
Corn is definitely a grain.
Thank you very much.
-All right, show's over. Have a great day.
-In fact, it's--
It's one of the three most important
food crop grains in the world.
[mellow music playing]
[rustling]
[Zach] Europe was introduced to corn
in the late 15th century.
Though corn was initially received
with some skepticism,
by the early 16th century,
corn was being cultivated in Italy…
[disembodied voices] Mais.
-[Zach] …Portugal…
-Milho.
[Zach] And…
Can we get countries that actually exist?
I've never heard of…
[mispronouncing] Spain.
[disembodied voices] Maíz.
[children chattering]
-[intercom chimes]
-[Zach] Good morning, Brooklyn Elementary.
Morning meditation, reflection,
and prayer will be at 11:00 a.m.
Don't forget, Mecca is to the left,
and today's corny joke of the day
is brought to you by corn.
What is Mozart's favorite fruit?
[to the tune of Symphony No. 5]
Ba-na-na-na ♪
Ba-na-na-na, ba-na-na-na ♪
[chuckles]
It's Beethoven!
Beethoven's…
Beethoven's favorite fruit, yeah.
Yeah, it's Beethoven. Who's she?
[Michael] Moving it around
by ship to different places,
they would take samples
and plant them, and…
-Yeah.
-But it took…
Yeah--
For corn, it took at least 100 years
before they really started to grow it.
-Can I just…
-Some of the Portuguese colonies…
-We went over that stuff already.
-Okay.
-And then it made its way into Europe.
-[Zach sighs heavily]
It took forever for Europeans…
-The future is agrarian.
-…to accept it as a food.
But there's still…
Yeah, there's still Europeans
that come here now,
you know, from Germany
and some of those places,
that won't eat corn on the cob
because it's animal food.
-Exactly, yeah.
-That's all it is. And…
Yeah, I had some Spanish archaeologists
staying at my house. It was summer,
and so we decided, "Oh, this is exciting."
"We'll serve them this beautiful,
fresh corn on the cob."
-Yeah.
-And they wouldn't eat it.
-They wouldn't even try it?
-No. "That's animal food."
Exactly what you said.
-"This is for animals."
-Yeah.
[Sawyer] Me is corn.
[laughing]