Unsupervised (2012) s01e05 Episode Script
Stupid Idiots
"Falling for this wench went against everything the Viking code stood for.
But Bjorn could not help these feelings he was having.
[ Fans Humming Loudly .]
He knew the greatest conquest of his life was not any piece of land, but instead it was winning the heart of Lady Rebecca.
" Mmm, that is some passionate prose right there, boy.
Class, what theme is the author trying to discuss here? That a Viking can, like, rape whoever he wants? He didn't rape her, Rachel! It was a passionate love affair.
Seemed like a rape to me.
Hell, let me get my glasses here.
All right, fine, if he did rape her, you cannot deny he made her fall in love with him first.
Viking Steele is the most passionate lover of all time.
Mm-hmm.
I'm with you on that.
Great discussion, kids.
Sour Hots for all three of you.
- Thanks, Coach.
- All right, class.
I think that's enough for today.
We still got half an hour left.
That's mad minutes for learning.
Shit.
It's too damn hot.
Man can't think in all this heat.
It's, like, loud too! [ Fans Humming .]
Yeah, it's the fans.
They got the engines revved up today.
They're blasting hot exhaust.
That's why it's friggin' broilingo.
Can we take our shirts off and reflect on what we learned? That's cool with me.
Mmm.
Somebody hit them lights.
I'm gon' rest my eyes for a minute.
Yo, thanks, Coach Durham.
You're the best teacher-slash-coach of all time! Mmm? All right.
[ Hip-hop .]
Holla at your boy.
Damn, dude.
[ Ends .]
Darius, you're good at school.
I need you to tutor me for the PDOTS.
You act like I ain't got my own shit to do.
You know how much homework I got these days? Got me doin' math that ain't even got numbers.
I didn't know that shit existed.
- What's up, guys? - What's up, cats and dogs? Oh, man! Why are you yelling? - They revved up the engines today.
- What engines? I'm about to lose my shit.
- School is destroying me.
- I love school.
It's like going to a gym for your mind.
Yeah.
We're reading Viking Steele in class.
It's a frickin' modern classic.
Viking Steele? My mom reads that trash.
They sell it at the supermarket.
It's like pornography for middle-aged women.
What? I'm learning about dry-ass Greek literature and y'all get to read about Vikings slaying bitches? That ain't even right.
What do you mean? I thought we all learned the same thing.
Absolutely not.
We're in the fast track.
Who's "we"? "We" ain't in nothing.
I'm in the accelerated shit.
You in the normal track.
Don't even get it twisted.
I got so many books I had to get a bag with rollers.
I'm walking round like I'm at the airport or some shit.
You think I won't rock one of them JanSports? So wait.
What track are me and Gary on? The normal track? No, you're in the slow track.
The slow track? What the hell? I'm smart as shit! Dude, you're one of the smartest guys I know.
You know how to do laundry, how to pay the bills.
He made a long distance phone call to California the other day.
We had, like, a five-minute conversation.
I didn't even know him! See what I'm talkin' about? He should be in the highest freakin' track there is.
Please.
You guys can't handle the high track.
[ Scoffs .]
Neither can you.
Hey! I can totally handle it.
I'm just getting screwed because my teachers hate me.
But this PDOT test is the one grade they can't control.
What the hell's a PDOT test? A lot of disturbing things are being brought to my attention right now, and I'd like some answers.
We're getting screwed out of a good education.
This is bullshit.
Hey, hey.
Y'all don't want the burden of genius.
Y'all can just cruise by.
I don't wanna cruise by! I want to make my brain as strong as it can be.
It's the whole point of school.
[ Grumbling .]
Easy, buddy.
Easy.
You okay? No, I'm not okay.
Okay? I'm freaked out and I'm pumped and I'm angry and I want answers.
Then let's go friggin' get 'em.
Y-Y-Y'all do that.
Handle your business.
What's that shit about them calling California? They like to meet people from every state.
I don't know.
Are you gonna help me or what? Give me a six-pack of soda and you got yourself a deal.
Why would you boys want to change tracks? It makes no sense.
We wanna learn everything in the world, Ms.
Stark.
Yeah, I'm curious as hell.
We're already missing out on opportunities like the PDOT test.
Well, you know what they say.
Tests are not for Turtles.
Who the hell are the Turtles? You.
It's a shorthand we use in the administration.
The smart kids are Eagles.
Why? Because they soar above everyone else? Yes.
Precisely.
That's friggin' insulting.
You're mashing my self-esteem! I realize now I shouldn't have told you any of that.
May I offer you some candied cinnamon? Yeah, sure.
No, man.
She's trying to distract us from the problem.
Shit.
You're right.
Boys, the system is in place for a reason.
A reason you wouldn't understand.
You don't have any idea of what we understand 'cause you're not giving our minds a chance.
I'm just trying to manage your expectations.
Some people are built for school, some aren't.
When I was younger I wanted to be a ballerina, but my bones are too brittle.
My mother didn't breast-feed me.
It's also why I don't like to be touched by men.
Uh Let us take the DOTS Academy test! Oh, sure.
Why don't I just bump you up to the Eagle track as well? Yes.
The Eae Eatrack.
I'll make you Eagles and we'll just see how smart you really are.
Uh, is she talking to us? Congratulations, gentlemen.
You're officially Eagles now.
Oh, party on! Yes, yes, yes! Holy crap! Friggin' awesome! Yo, thanks, Skunk! I mean, Ms.
Stark.
You won't regret this.
Oh, but you will.
[ Typing Slowly .]
For God's sake, Rose, don't take notes when I'm thinking out loud.
You have the instincts of a chimpanzee.
Now get out of my office! Okay.
I'm gonna go eat lunch.
Wait.
Um, I'll join you.
Okay, guys, let's welcome your new classmates, Gary and Joel.
What in the shit Yo, thanks, Coach.
[ Chuckles .]
I'm not a coach.
I'm an English teacher.
That's weird.
Our old English teacher was a coach.
Yo, you should coach something.
She's coaching our minds.
That's enough.
Don't frickin' ride her.
Feel that wind, man.
What is that? Uh, it's air-conditioning.
And we get that every day and it's not that big a deal.
What are y'all doing here? Skunk moved us up.
We're Eagles now.
Yo, check out that view, son.
You can see the sky from this classroom! Frickin' clouds, frickin' sky, frickin' sun.
Hey, hey.
Y'all can't be shouting like that.
Oh.
Sorry.
We're used to yelling over the engines.
Now, guys, can anyone tell me where we last left our hero Odysseus? Yes, Ms.
Davis.
Odysseus had just returned to Circe's island.
That's right, Darius.
Very good.
Now let's grab our books and Oh.
Uh, hello.
Yo, give him candy.
Excuse me? He got the right answer.
Give him a friggin' Sour Hot.
I don't give out candy.
I'm a I'm a teacher.
Don't worry.
I got caramels.
- Yo, toss it up! - Man, don't nobody want no caramel.
Yo, I'll have one.
Throw it in my mouth! Don't hit me in the genitals.
He hits me in the genitals when he throws caramels at me sometimes.
- Open your mouth.
Basket shot! - Ahh! Please, everyone stop throwing candy.
Okay, let's bring our hero Odysseus back to the island of Circe.
What the frick! Holy crap! That is the coolest thing I have ever seen! [ Gasping .]
You want us to get back in our seats? If you don't mind, I would appreciate it.
Yo, sorry, everyone.
We're still learning your rules and customs.
We're new to your ways.
[ Bell Rings .]
Dude, that was stressful as all hell.
We're reading 500-page poems, candy was illegal I know, dude.
It was hard-core.
And you know what? I freakin' loved it! Me too! Yo, we should have been learning like that our whole lives.
We've been getting gypped.
Not anymore, man.
'Cause we're Eagles now and we're gonna freakin' soar.
I kinda feel bad for the rest of the Turtles.
We're leaving them behind.
We shouldn't be divided up to begin with.
I thought all men were created equal.
It's in the World Bible.
It's time to put an end to mental segregation.
One track, forever equal.
Open to all men.
Open to all women.
Everyone learning the same thing.
With liberty and justice for all! Cheap-ass roller-bag.
"And he took her hands and placed them upon his broad chest.
She became moist as the warmth of her rose-colored sheath" Whoo.
Okay.
L-Look here, class, we gon' have to stop right here.
This thing gets a little off-color.
Yo, yo! Everybody shut up! Just shut the frig up! We got shocking news that's gonna rock you to the core.
There's a track system in place at this school, and this class is at the bottom of it.
We're being mentally segregated, you guys! All this time we thought it was better that you were a coach and a teacher.
But it's not.
It's worse.
Damn.
That cut deep, I ain't gonna lie.
[ Fans Humming Loudly .]
And guess what else.
Those aren't engines.
They're A.
C.
units that provide everyone else with fresh, cool air.
Then where are the engines that power the school? Nowhere.
Turns out schools don't need freakin' engines! [ Girl .]
Oh, that's crazy! That's messed up.
Hold on, boys.
This class is very educational.
We even got a field trip coming up on Friday.
Going to a sewage plant.
Should be real interesting.
That's the same day as the PDOT test! I don't know, fellas.
Seeing how sewage is disposed of in a sanitary manner? Sounds cool to me.
It's not cool.
Everyone else is taking tests and we're getting sent to sewage plants.
We should be taking that test too! Yo, if we take the test, do we get air-conditioning? No, guys, it ain't about air-conditioning.
It's about getting a good education.
Sweating my nuts off in here.
I wanna be cool, son.
Yeah! [ Class Chanting .]
A.
C.
! A.
C.
! A.
C.
! A.
C.
! [ Sighs .]
At least they're on board.
What do you mean, the Turtles want to take the test? All of them? Them boys lit a fire under their ass.
It was the air-conditioning that pushed them over the top.
Called me a bad teacher too.
Hurt my feelings.
Your feelings are meaningless, Mr.
Durham.
Need I remind you how important good test scores are to this high school? The state rewards high-scoring schools with financial incentives.
I'm counting on that money.
I was going to take a trip to New York City to see the ballet.
They say they have the finest dancers in the world.
Graceful.
Lithe.
With legs like skyscrapers.
I'm still getting them seat beads for my car, right? You know I got back problems.
Oh, Christ! Yes! You're getting the beads.
Stop badgering me about it.
Rose, gather the other teachers for an emergency meeting.
Twenty-one? How is that the answer? That's bullshit! That can't be right.
It is right.
We just went over the work.
Why you gotta argue with me? [ Grumbling .]
I'm so mad right now I could smash my face through the window.
Tears and anger, go away.
Tears and anger, go away.
Easy.
I ain't that serious.
It's just math.
Hold up.
One track! One track! A.
C.
! A.
C.
! A.
C.
! Air-conditioning Gonna break it on down for you Oh, shit.
Why y'all protesting? What's going down? We're standing up to the track system.
Like it says in the Bible.
All men are created equal.
That's the constitution, idiot.
It's the damn Declaration of Independence.
Y'all need to educate yourselves.
Well, whatever.
I don't want it to be equal.
I wanna be in the smart track.
Shit.
That might push you over the edge.
You probably end up shooting up the school.
I ain't trying to get messed up in no Columbine shit.
Maybe I'll just cheat.
I heard if you put Vaseline on your Scantron you get the perfect score.
No! No! No! You cannot cheat! You have to believe in yourself.
School's not about grades.
It's about learning.
It's completely about abgrades.
Yeah, I'm gonna have to take Megan's side on this one.
Being average is so humiliating.
I just want to be exceptional.
You need to talk to somebody.
Okay? I'm not jokin' no more.
This is serious.
Megan, you don't gotta be humiliated no more.
If there's one track, then we're all the same.
And we won't have to be the assholes in the lowest track no more.
Turtle track isn't the lowest.
There's one below you.
There is? Who? [ Megan .]
They call them the Sardines.
There's kids in there? Dag! It looks like a shipping crate.
Yeah, that's 'cause it is.
"I ate wires last night and pretended it was pasghetti.
It did not make me a robot.
No matter how many wires you eat, a child will not become a robot.
" That's the end of my friggin' report.
A-plus.
Good job Russ.
Sit down.
No talking.
[ Russ .]
What are you guys doing here? No one ever comes to visit us.
Slow Joe! It's my friends Gary and Joel.
We're standing up to mental segregation.
You wanna join us? Frick yeah! They treat me like I'm a monster here.
Hey! No visitors! Is that guy a teacher or a security guard? That's Mr.
Briggs.
He's the meanest guy in the world.
I never seen him smile.
Brown, what'd I tell you about gettin' out of your seat? You can't be mean no more.
Yeah, Joe! You're my best friend in the world! Code 50! The Sardines are out of the can! Repeat! The Sardines are out of the can! [ Chattering .]
I thought the Turtles weren't even allowed to take the test.
Well, they're allowed, but we just try to distract them to bump up our scores.
That was the point of the field trip to the sewage plant.
I told you we should've went with bowling.
And you should've been able to control your students.
Hey, I'm doing my part.
I'm the one taking 'em to the sewage plant.
I try to avoid germs.
You know how much fecal matter is on the average cell phone? Those things are shit magnets, straight up.
What if we gave the slower children Adderall, or "cocaine," to help them study? That's interesting.
How do we administer it? Perhaps some sort of pizza party.
Or ice cream.
Kids love ice cream.
Margaret.
Are you out your damn mind? You're right.
It's too risky.
Okay, you promised us an espresso machine in the teacher's lounge.
What? I thought we didn't have no teacher's lounge.
I lied.
I was concerned you'd make the other teachers uncomfortable.
What? So I'm on a different track now too? I'm not sure you're even certified to be a teacher.
You live in an automobile parked by a baseball field.
It's not realistic for you to expect access to the lounge.
Seat beads are a fine compensation for a man of your stature.
See, now you trying to manage my expectations, and I don't appreciate it.
Ms.
Stark, we're sorry to barge in, but we got something important to say.
We got the right to take the test! Yeah! With all due respect, stop being assholes and let us fulfill our full potential! - Fine.
- Wait.
Seriously? Yes.
You are all free to take the test.
Holy shit! It worked! All right! But for those of you who don't like taking tests, you can go on a field trip to the amusement park! Whoo! Roller coasters are fast! You guys, we have to take the test! That's the whole point.
They're just impossible.
They really are.
No one's going to any damn amusement park.
Y'all are taking that test, and I'm gonna lead you.
Excuse me? Denying me access to the teacher's lounge? That's a cold move.
I could use a place to wash my baseball socks.
That's exactly why you're not allowed in the lounge.
Well, things are about to change around here.
It is time to stop coaching sports and start coaching minds.
Right! Yeah! Yes, yes, yes! To the amusement park! We're not doing that, Russ.
We're taking the PDOT test.
Oh, man.
Them fools don't think we know shit.
But we've got one thing they don't.
Each other.
You're gonna need a strong man to lead you into battle.
I am not that man.
How y'all doin'? I'm Darius.
I'm gon' be your tutor.
Goddamn, it's hot in here.
Hey, you guys wanna see me eat wires? - Wires? - It's my fake "pasghetti" trick.
It makes me poop red.
Okay.
All right.
I'm out of here.
I can't study with you numbskulls.
This is why the track system exists.
Later, Megan! Good luck! Later, Megan.
Shit.
We got a lot of work to do.
[ Coach Durham's Voice .]
They wanted to flush you away like sewage down the drain.
Said you were stupid, [ No Audible Dialogue .]
that you had no chance.
They said Viking Steele was too handsome to be a king.
Then he claimed that crown and had sex with literally thousands of women along the way.
[ No Audible Dialogue .]
Now we claim our crown the crown of equality.
Ooh, I'm nervous, man.
What if we blow the test and find out we really are stupid idiots? Then at least we'll know.
I do hope I'm a genius though.
That'd be frickin' dope.
Hello, students.
Last call for the amusement park.
If you choose to board the bus, I cannot stop you.
I am a weak woman, with bones like candy canes.
Anyway, good luck.
You may begin.
I'm done.
How is that possible? - You've just started.
- I don't know.
I guess I'm smart as hell.
- Your hands are bleeding.
- I broke my pencil and I got splinters.
- Get out.
- Good luck, guys.
I hope you all get A's.
Whoa! I got frickin' 600, dude! So did I! [ Laughing .]
You know it's out of 2,000, right? Ya know what? Never mind.
Hold your head up high.
Considering what y'all was learning before, that ain't bad.
You actually did pretty well on the English part.
It's Viking Steele.
I'm freakin' telling you.
It's a good book.
Yo, Darius, how many points you score? I ain't here to brag, fellas, but let's just say my score looks a lot like the year of the Revolutionary War.
What's the hell's the Revolutionary War? - Yo, is that the war going on right now? - Seriously? How do y'all not Man, this country is in trouble.
[ Megan .]
Son of a bitch! I got a zero? Holy shit.
Wait.
We're smarter than you? No.
I cheated.
I greased the Scantron.
- It totally backfired.
- I'd say that makes you pretty dumb.
I hate this school, and I hate all of you.
I am so mad right now I could kill someone.
She about to go Columbine.
Y'all back up.
[ Whining .]
It ain't worth it, Megan! Get the caramels out my bag! Meet me in the parking lot! Somebody call 911! [ Gasping, Whimpering .]
I'm proud of them, Margaret.
Them kids did good.
They were the worst test results our school has ever received.
Except for the one student who got a perfect score.
Who was that? Him.
[ Ms.
Stark .]
Joseph Barniskis.
[ Moaning .]
Slow Joe? I'll be damned.
I'm assuming we'll be under some sort of review by the state.
Get rid of that pornographic Viking book immediately.
Good morning, students.
Due to our poor test scores, we will be making some cutbacks that will go into effect immediately.
Congratulations.
This is what equality looks like.
We all lose.
I hope you're happy.
[ Inhales .]
[ Feedback .]
[ "Waltz of the Flowers" .]
[ Crack .]
Oh, for the love of God! [ Whimpering .]
My brittle bones.
You be as smart as you can ever be, Joe.
I'm proud of you.
You're my best friend.
Joe miss Russ too.
Come on.
Let's go.
Wrap it up.
[ Sobbing .]
I love you, Joe.
Don't ever forget me! It's nap time.
I don't wanna take a nap, Mr.
Briggs! I'm not tired! Don't shut the door! God bless him.
Yeah.
Turns out he wasn't slow at all.
He just got a crippling speech impediment.
I'm glad he got his chance to shine.
Mm-mm-mmm.
Ugh.
How do you stand the heathe in here? It's boiling.
Yeah, yeah.
It's a scorcher today.
Peel 'em off, boys.
Ah.
Whoo.
Good to have some freedom.
Whoo, that feels good.
[ Man .]
Made in Georgia.
But Bjorn could not help these feelings he was having.
[ Fans Humming Loudly .]
He knew the greatest conquest of his life was not any piece of land, but instead it was winning the heart of Lady Rebecca.
" Mmm, that is some passionate prose right there, boy.
Class, what theme is the author trying to discuss here? That a Viking can, like, rape whoever he wants? He didn't rape her, Rachel! It was a passionate love affair.
Seemed like a rape to me.
Hell, let me get my glasses here.
All right, fine, if he did rape her, you cannot deny he made her fall in love with him first.
Viking Steele is the most passionate lover of all time.
Mm-hmm.
I'm with you on that.
Great discussion, kids.
Sour Hots for all three of you.
- Thanks, Coach.
- All right, class.
I think that's enough for today.
We still got half an hour left.
That's mad minutes for learning.
Shit.
It's too damn hot.
Man can't think in all this heat.
It's, like, loud too! [ Fans Humming .]
Yeah, it's the fans.
They got the engines revved up today.
They're blasting hot exhaust.
That's why it's friggin' broilingo.
Can we take our shirts off and reflect on what we learned? That's cool with me.
Mmm.
Somebody hit them lights.
I'm gon' rest my eyes for a minute.
Yo, thanks, Coach Durham.
You're the best teacher-slash-coach of all time! Mmm? All right.
[ Hip-hop .]
Holla at your boy.
Damn, dude.
[ Ends .]
Darius, you're good at school.
I need you to tutor me for the PDOTS.
You act like I ain't got my own shit to do.
You know how much homework I got these days? Got me doin' math that ain't even got numbers.
I didn't know that shit existed.
- What's up, guys? - What's up, cats and dogs? Oh, man! Why are you yelling? - They revved up the engines today.
- What engines? I'm about to lose my shit.
- School is destroying me.
- I love school.
It's like going to a gym for your mind.
Yeah.
We're reading Viking Steele in class.
It's a frickin' modern classic.
Viking Steele? My mom reads that trash.
They sell it at the supermarket.
It's like pornography for middle-aged women.
What? I'm learning about dry-ass Greek literature and y'all get to read about Vikings slaying bitches? That ain't even right.
What do you mean? I thought we all learned the same thing.
Absolutely not.
We're in the fast track.
Who's "we"? "We" ain't in nothing.
I'm in the accelerated shit.
You in the normal track.
Don't even get it twisted.
I got so many books I had to get a bag with rollers.
I'm walking round like I'm at the airport or some shit.
You think I won't rock one of them JanSports? So wait.
What track are me and Gary on? The normal track? No, you're in the slow track.
The slow track? What the hell? I'm smart as shit! Dude, you're one of the smartest guys I know.
You know how to do laundry, how to pay the bills.
He made a long distance phone call to California the other day.
We had, like, a five-minute conversation.
I didn't even know him! See what I'm talkin' about? He should be in the highest freakin' track there is.
Please.
You guys can't handle the high track.
[ Scoffs .]
Neither can you.
Hey! I can totally handle it.
I'm just getting screwed because my teachers hate me.
But this PDOT test is the one grade they can't control.
What the hell's a PDOT test? A lot of disturbing things are being brought to my attention right now, and I'd like some answers.
We're getting screwed out of a good education.
This is bullshit.
Hey, hey.
Y'all don't want the burden of genius.
Y'all can just cruise by.
I don't wanna cruise by! I want to make my brain as strong as it can be.
It's the whole point of school.
[ Grumbling .]
Easy, buddy.
Easy.
You okay? No, I'm not okay.
Okay? I'm freaked out and I'm pumped and I'm angry and I want answers.
Then let's go friggin' get 'em.
Y-Y-Y'all do that.
Handle your business.
What's that shit about them calling California? They like to meet people from every state.
I don't know.
Are you gonna help me or what? Give me a six-pack of soda and you got yourself a deal.
Why would you boys want to change tracks? It makes no sense.
We wanna learn everything in the world, Ms.
Stark.
Yeah, I'm curious as hell.
We're already missing out on opportunities like the PDOT test.
Well, you know what they say.
Tests are not for Turtles.
Who the hell are the Turtles? You.
It's a shorthand we use in the administration.
The smart kids are Eagles.
Why? Because they soar above everyone else? Yes.
Precisely.
That's friggin' insulting.
You're mashing my self-esteem! I realize now I shouldn't have told you any of that.
May I offer you some candied cinnamon? Yeah, sure.
No, man.
She's trying to distract us from the problem.
Shit.
You're right.
Boys, the system is in place for a reason.
A reason you wouldn't understand.
You don't have any idea of what we understand 'cause you're not giving our minds a chance.
I'm just trying to manage your expectations.
Some people are built for school, some aren't.
When I was younger I wanted to be a ballerina, but my bones are too brittle.
My mother didn't breast-feed me.
It's also why I don't like to be touched by men.
Uh Let us take the DOTS Academy test! Oh, sure.
Why don't I just bump you up to the Eagle track as well? Yes.
The Eae Eatrack.
I'll make you Eagles and we'll just see how smart you really are.
Uh, is she talking to us? Congratulations, gentlemen.
You're officially Eagles now.
Oh, party on! Yes, yes, yes! Holy crap! Friggin' awesome! Yo, thanks, Skunk! I mean, Ms.
Stark.
You won't regret this.
Oh, but you will.
[ Typing Slowly .]
For God's sake, Rose, don't take notes when I'm thinking out loud.
You have the instincts of a chimpanzee.
Now get out of my office! Okay.
I'm gonna go eat lunch.
Wait.
Um, I'll join you.
Okay, guys, let's welcome your new classmates, Gary and Joel.
What in the shit Yo, thanks, Coach.
[ Chuckles .]
I'm not a coach.
I'm an English teacher.
That's weird.
Our old English teacher was a coach.
Yo, you should coach something.
She's coaching our minds.
That's enough.
Don't frickin' ride her.
Feel that wind, man.
What is that? Uh, it's air-conditioning.
And we get that every day and it's not that big a deal.
What are y'all doing here? Skunk moved us up.
We're Eagles now.
Yo, check out that view, son.
You can see the sky from this classroom! Frickin' clouds, frickin' sky, frickin' sun.
Hey, hey.
Y'all can't be shouting like that.
Oh.
Sorry.
We're used to yelling over the engines.
Now, guys, can anyone tell me where we last left our hero Odysseus? Yes, Ms.
Davis.
Odysseus had just returned to Circe's island.
That's right, Darius.
Very good.
Now let's grab our books and Oh.
Uh, hello.
Yo, give him candy.
Excuse me? He got the right answer.
Give him a friggin' Sour Hot.
I don't give out candy.
I'm a I'm a teacher.
Don't worry.
I got caramels.
- Yo, toss it up! - Man, don't nobody want no caramel.
Yo, I'll have one.
Throw it in my mouth! Don't hit me in the genitals.
He hits me in the genitals when he throws caramels at me sometimes.
- Open your mouth.
Basket shot! - Ahh! Please, everyone stop throwing candy.
Okay, let's bring our hero Odysseus back to the island of Circe.
What the frick! Holy crap! That is the coolest thing I have ever seen! [ Gasping .]
You want us to get back in our seats? If you don't mind, I would appreciate it.
Yo, sorry, everyone.
We're still learning your rules and customs.
We're new to your ways.
[ Bell Rings .]
Dude, that was stressful as all hell.
We're reading 500-page poems, candy was illegal I know, dude.
It was hard-core.
And you know what? I freakin' loved it! Me too! Yo, we should have been learning like that our whole lives.
We've been getting gypped.
Not anymore, man.
'Cause we're Eagles now and we're gonna freakin' soar.
I kinda feel bad for the rest of the Turtles.
We're leaving them behind.
We shouldn't be divided up to begin with.
I thought all men were created equal.
It's in the World Bible.
It's time to put an end to mental segregation.
One track, forever equal.
Open to all men.
Open to all women.
Everyone learning the same thing.
With liberty and justice for all! Cheap-ass roller-bag.
"And he took her hands and placed them upon his broad chest.
She became moist as the warmth of her rose-colored sheath" Whoo.
Okay.
L-Look here, class, we gon' have to stop right here.
This thing gets a little off-color.
Yo, yo! Everybody shut up! Just shut the frig up! We got shocking news that's gonna rock you to the core.
There's a track system in place at this school, and this class is at the bottom of it.
We're being mentally segregated, you guys! All this time we thought it was better that you were a coach and a teacher.
But it's not.
It's worse.
Damn.
That cut deep, I ain't gonna lie.
[ Fans Humming Loudly .]
And guess what else.
Those aren't engines.
They're A.
C.
units that provide everyone else with fresh, cool air.
Then where are the engines that power the school? Nowhere.
Turns out schools don't need freakin' engines! [ Girl .]
Oh, that's crazy! That's messed up.
Hold on, boys.
This class is very educational.
We even got a field trip coming up on Friday.
Going to a sewage plant.
Should be real interesting.
That's the same day as the PDOT test! I don't know, fellas.
Seeing how sewage is disposed of in a sanitary manner? Sounds cool to me.
It's not cool.
Everyone else is taking tests and we're getting sent to sewage plants.
We should be taking that test too! Yo, if we take the test, do we get air-conditioning? No, guys, it ain't about air-conditioning.
It's about getting a good education.
Sweating my nuts off in here.
I wanna be cool, son.
Yeah! [ Class Chanting .]
A.
C.
! A.
C.
! A.
C.
! A.
C.
! [ Sighs .]
At least they're on board.
What do you mean, the Turtles want to take the test? All of them? Them boys lit a fire under their ass.
It was the air-conditioning that pushed them over the top.
Called me a bad teacher too.
Hurt my feelings.
Your feelings are meaningless, Mr.
Durham.
Need I remind you how important good test scores are to this high school? The state rewards high-scoring schools with financial incentives.
I'm counting on that money.
I was going to take a trip to New York City to see the ballet.
They say they have the finest dancers in the world.
Graceful.
Lithe.
With legs like skyscrapers.
I'm still getting them seat beads for my car, right? You know I got back problems.
Oh, Christ! Yes! You're getting the beads.
Stop badgering me about it.
Rose, gather the other teachers for an emergency meeting.
Twenty-one? How is that the answer? That's bullshit! That can't be right.
It is right.
We just went over the work.
Why you gotta argue with me? [ Grumbling .]
I'm so mad right now I could smash my face through the window.
Tears and anger, go away.
Tears and anger, go away.
Easy.
I ain't that serious.
It's just math.
Hold up.
One track! One track! A.
C.
! A.
C.
! A.
C.
! Air-conditioning Gonna break it on down for you Oh, shit.
Why y'all protesting? What's going down? We're standing up to the track system.
Like it says in the Bible.
All men are created equal.
That's the constitution, idiot.
It's the damn Declaration of Independence.
Y'all need to educate yourselves.
Well, whatever.
I don't want it to be equal.
I wanna be in the smart track.
Shit.
That might push you over the edge.
You probably end up shooting up the school.
I ain't trying to get messed up in no Columbine shit.
Maybe I'll just cheat.
I heard if you put Vaseline on your Scantron you get the perfect score.
No! No! No! You cannot cheat! You have to believe in yourself.
School's not about grades.
It's about learning.
It's completely about abgrades.
Yeah, I'm gonna have to take Megan's side on this one.
Being average is so humiliating.
I just want to be exceptional.
You need to talk to somebody.
Okay? I'm not jokin' no more.
This is serious.
Megan, you don't gotta be humiliated no more.
If there's one track, then we're all the same.
And we won't have to be the assholes in the lowest track no more.
Turtle track isn't the lowest.
There's one below you.
There is? Who? [ Megan .]
They call them the Sardines.
There's kids in there? Dag! It looks like a shipping crate.
Yeah, that's 'cause it is.
"I ate wires last night and pretended it was pasghetti.
It did not make me a robot.
No matter how many wires you eat, a child will not become a robot.
" That's the end of my friggin' report.
A-plus.
Good job Russ.
Sit down.
No talking.
[ Russ .]
What are you guys doing here? No one ever comes to visit us.
Slow Joe! It's my friends Gary and Joel.
We're standing up to mental segregation.
You wanna join us? Frick yeah! They treat me like I'm a monster here.
Hey! No visitors! Is that guy a teacher or a security guard? That's Mr.
Briggs.
He's the meanest guy in the world.
I never seen him smile.
Brown, what'd I tell you about gettin' out of your seat? You can't be mean no more.
Yeah, Joe! You're my best friend in the world! Code 50! The Sardines are out of the can! Repeat! The Sardines are out of the can! [ Chattering .]
I thought the Turtles weren't even allowed to take the test.
Well, they're allowed, but we just try to distract them to bump up our scores.
That was the point of the field trip to the sewage plant.
I told you we should've went with bowling.
And you should've been able to control your students.
Hey, I'm doing my part.
I'm the one taking 'em to the sewage plant.
I try to avoid germs.
You know how much fecal matter is on the average cell phone? Those things are shit magnets, straight up.
What if we gave the slower children Adderall, or "cocaine," to help them study? That's interesting.
How do we administer it? Perhaps some sort of pizza party.
Or ice cream.
Kids love ice cream.
Margaret.
Are you out your damn mind? You're right.
It's too risky.
Okay, you promised us an espresso machine in the teacher's lounge.
What? I thought we didn't have no teacher's lounge.
I lied.
I was concerned you'd make the other teachers uncomfortable.
What? So I'm on a different track now too? I'm not sure you're even certified to be a teacher.
You live in an automobile parked by a baseball field.
It's not realistic for you to expect access to the lounge.
Seat beads are a fine compensation for a man of your stature.
See, now you trying to manage my expectations, and I don't appreciate it.
Ms.
Stark, we're sorry to barge in, but we got something important to say.
We got the right to take the test! Yeah! With all due respect, stop being assholes and let us fulfill our full potential! - Fine.
- Wait.
Seriously? Yes.
You are all free to take the test.
Holy shit! It worked! All right! But for those of you who don't like taking tests, you can go on a field trip to the amusement park! Whoo! Roller coasters are fast! You guys, we have to take the test! That's the whole point.
They're just impossible.
They really are.
No one's going to any damn amusement park.
Y'all are taking that test, and I'm gonna lead you.
Excuse me? Denying me access to the teacher's lounge? That's a cold move.
I could use a place to wash my baseball socks.
That's exactly why you're not allowed in the lounge.
Well, things are about to change around here.
It is time to stop coaching sports and start coaching minds.
Right! Yeah! Yes, yes, yes! To the amusement park! We're not doing that, Russ.
We're taking the PDOT test.
Oh, man.
Them fools don't think we know shit.
But we've got one thing they don't.
Each other.
You're gonna need a strong man to lead you into battle.
I am not that man.
How y'all doin'? I'm Darius.
I'm gon' be your tutor.
Goddamn, it's hot in here.
Hey, you guys wanna see me eat wires? - Wires? - It's my fake "pasghetti" trick.
It makes me poop red.
Okay.
All right.
I'm out of here.
I can't study with you numbskulls.
This is why the track system exists.
Later, Megan! Good luck! Later, Megan.
Shit.
We got a lot of work to do.
[ Coach Durham's Voice .]
They wanted to flush you away like sewage down the drain.
Said you were stupid, [ No Audible Dialogue .]
that you had no chance.
They said Viking Steele was too handsome to be a king.
Then he claimed that crown and had sex with literally thousands of women along the way.
[ No Audible Dialogue .]
Now we claim our crown the crown of equality.
Ooh, I'm nervous, man.
What if we blow the test and find out we really are stupid idiots? Then at least we'll know.
I do hope I'm a genius though.
That'd be frickin' dope.
Hello, students.
Last call for the amusement park.
If you choose to board the bus, I cannot stop you.
I am a weak woman, with bones like candy canes.
Anyway, good luck.
You may begin.
I'm done.
How is that possible? - You've just started.
- I don't know.
I guess I'm smart as hell.
- Your hands are bleeding.
- I broke my pencil and I got splinters.
- Get out.
- Good luck, guys.
I hope you all get A's.
Whoa! I got frickin' 600, dude! So did I! [ Laughing .]
You know it's out of 2,000, right? Ya know what? Never mind.
Hold your head up high.
Considering what y'all was learning before, that ain't bad.
You actually did pretty well on the English part.
It's Viking Steele.
I'm freakin' telling you.
It's a good book.
Yo, Darius, how many points you score? I ain't here to brag, fellas, but let's just say my score looks a lot like the year of the Revolutionary War.
What's the hell's the Revolutionary War? - Yo, is that the war going on right now? - Seriously? How do y'all not Man, this country is in trouble.
[ Megan .]
Son of a bitch! I got a zero? Holy shit.
Wait.
We're smarter than you? No.
I cheated.
I greased the Scantron.
- It totally backfired.
- I'd say that makes you pretty dumb.
I hate this school, and I hate all of you.
I am so mad right now I could kill someone.
She about to go Columbine.
Y'all back up.
[ Whining .]
It ain't worth it, Megan! Get the caramels out my bag! Meet me in the parking lot! Somebody call 911! [ Gasping, Whimpering .]
I'm proud of them, Margaret.
Them kids did good.
They were the worst test results our school has ever received.
Except for the one student who got a perfect score.
Who was that? Him.
[ Ms.
Stark .]
Joseph Barniskis.
[ Moaning .]
Slow Joe? I'll be damned.
I'm assuming we'll be under some sort of review by the state.
Get rid of that pornographic Viking book immediately.
Good morning, students.
Due to our poor test scores, we will be making some cutbacks that will go into effect immediately.
Congratulations.
This is what equality looks like.
We all lose.
I hope you're happy.
[ Inhales .]
[ Feedback .]
[ "Waltz of the Flowers" .]
[ Crack .]
Oh, for the love of God! [ Whimpering .]
My brittle bones.
You be as smart as you can ever be, Joe.
I'm proud of you.
You're my best friend.
Joe miss Russ too.
Come on.
Let's go.
Wrap it up.
[ Sobbing .]
I love you, Joe.
Don't ever forget me! It's nap time.
I don't wanna take a nap, Mr.
Briggs! I'm not tired! Don't shut the door! God bless him.
Yeah.
Turns out he wasn't slow at all.
He just got a crippling speech impediment.
I'm glad he got his chance to shine.
Mm-mm-mmm.
Ugh.
How do you stand the heathe in here? It's boiling.
Yeah, yeah.
It's a scorcher today.
Peel 'em off, boys.
Ah.
Whoo.
Good to have some freedom.
Whoo, that feels good.
[ Man .]
Made in Georgia.