Adults (2025) s01e06 Episode Script

1
[♪funk song playing]
[sighs]
-Okay, everybody
huddle up. [sighs]
-[claps]
I want eye contact and nods.
You are my best,
most cherished people.
And we are more than capable
of throwing a dinner party
despite what everyone says
about people our age.
That we're neurotic,
irresponsible, directionless,
or that we lie about
using menstrual cups.
-That one felt targeted.
-It could have been
about anyone.
-[Billie] But tonight
-Yeah.
Tonight, we're gonna
prove them wrong.
We are in the roast chicken
phase of life.
We can be mature,
and we can be normal.
And we can cook
a roast fucking chicken
like the goddamn grown-ups we
-Oh, no.
-[Billie] Oh, my God.
[grunts] He drank weird milk.
-What?
-[Samir] Oh, my
He drank weird milk.
-Someone get a towel.
-What is happening?
[♪theme music plays]
Hey, thanks for letting me
invite her, Bills. My friend
Jules is, like, the best.
She's really kind, super
thoughtful. She's the one
who put me onto poppers.
PB, any friend of yours
is a friend of ours.
As long as she has good banter
and an Atlantic article she
wants to discuss,
because that is the vibe
that I'm curating tonight.
-Oh, my God, hi.
-Hi.
Not quite the outfit
we discussed.
It's my dad's suit.
You said dress up.
Yeah, like a normal guy,
not like you run Gotham City.
You look like
a little rascal, dude.
You look like a little rascal.
You look amazing.
You look incredible.
[Issa] Hey, Paul Baker,
can you help me with the table?
-[Paul] You look so good.
-Thanks.
What? I'm trying to look nice
for Mr. Teacher.
He knows what
you look like, Samir.
He taught you Hamlet.
Okay, first of all,
shmoop.com taught me Hamlet.
Second, it's just dinner.
Like, what's the
Because here, hold this.
Because Mr. Teacher
makes me happy.
And he has his shit together,
and he thinks we have
our shit together too.
So, I just I just
need this to go well, okay?
-Okay, I got you.
-Thank you.
How we looking out there, Iss?
There are napkins on tables.
There are nuts in bowls.
I mean,
this is basically a gala.
-Aw. You look nice.
-Thank you.
-Very Phantom Thread.
-Oh, thanks.
-Never seen it.
-No, me neither.
-Billie.
-Yeah.
-Hi. Look at me. Hi.
-Hi.
Relax. It's gonna be perfect.
Also, lucky for you, I am the
ultimate dinner party guest.
-You are?
-Yeah, I'm cultured,
I'm great at chitchat.
I have that awesome story
about how Jane Fonda
punched me in the tit
at the climate march.
It's gonna be great, Bills.
It's gonna be great.
-Paul Baker.
-Has anyone seen
the cocktail shaker?
Okay, be honest.
Did I die? Am I in hell?
What? You asked for
a bartender, you're gonna
get a bartender, okay?
Someone is blacking out
tonight. [chuckles] Me.
Just tell me
they're not assless.
-They're not assless.
-[doorbell rings]
Oh, my God, he's here.
[fire alarm beeping]
Um Waft.
-Waft, Samir!
-I'm [stammers]
If you don't know
the word "waft," just say so.
I was trying things.
Here, here, here, here. Okay.
-Hi, baby. Hi.
-Hi. Hey.
-Oh. Mmm.
-[moans]
Oh, my God.
[chuckles] Um, come in.
-I want you to meet everyone.
-Yeah.
-This is Anton.
-Hi, I'm Anton.
-And Issa.
-Hi.
-This is Paul Baker.
-What's up, man?
-And you know Samir.
-Yeah.
Sir.
Okay, well, don't salute him.
[chuckles]
Um, but I'm so excited
you're here. [chuckles]
-I have a whole chicken
in the oven
-Mmm!
which is very me.
-Very us.
-So us.
-Totally us.
-Mm-hmm.
But come, uh, get a drink.
-Uh, Samir, coat?
-Yes, I could take that.
Yeah. Nice to meet you guys.
[Issa] Yes.
[chuckles] Oh. I'm so excited.
Oh.
-You want to take it?
-Yeah.
Thanks, Samir.
-Oh, wow.
Wow, this is incredible. Yeah.
-Mm-hmm.
-Oh. Cool. Cool.
-Yeah.
Oh, man.
How many leaves does it have?
-How many leaves?
-Yeah.
[stammers, sighs]
I've never counted. [chuckles]
Uh, it's probably the same as
always, isn't it? Or different.
[sighs] Yeah, I
I mean, anyone's guess.
-Yeah. [chuckles]
-Yeah. [chuckles]
Samir, look at you.
Oh, my God, wow.
You did it.
I'm so proud of you.
[stammers] I'm trying.
Uh, thank you. [stutters]
That's very nice of you.
Can I be honest with you
about something?
Yeah.
I'm on a very large,
introductory dose of ketamine.
-Okay.
-[shushes]
It's fine. It's fine. They call
it a [inhales sharply]
A pony dose.
'Cause if you gave it
to a pony, it would also
be high on ketamine.
-Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.
-Mmm.
And just, sorry, why?
Why are you on that?
[clicks tongue]
It's just helping me move
through some stuff
right now, you know?
-With the divorce
and everything.
-Mm-hmm.
Let's not tell anyone.
Just keep it between us ducks.
-Us ducks?
-Yeah.
-Promise?
-Yeah, I promise.
Okay.
[kisses]
It's really good to see you.
[♪"Strut Pt 2" playing]
He's on ketamine.
-Who?
-He
He's tripping his balls off.
-[Anton] Oh, my God,
Mr. Teacher?
-[Samir] Yeah.
You know what?
Good for him.
What? No. Not good.
Not good for him.
The Anton,
this whole thing is for him.
This whole night.
Billie planned everything
Samir, he's in his forties,
okay? I'm sure he knows
what he's doing.
She's gonna freak out.
Yeah, if you tell her.
Just leave it, okay? Please.
-I can't just leave it.
What do
-Hold, hold.
The-The cap. The cap.
-What?
-The cap.
It's just a little spillage.
-[fire alarm beeping]
-Okay, waft.
-[Billie] Anton, waft.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-No, Anton.
It's like like this.
-[Billie] Oh, my God,
does nobody know
the word "waft"?
[sighs]
-Okay. We need to get
those drinks out.
-Ah! Waft!
Oh, yeah. Going.
Oh, yeah. Going.
[beeping continues]
[beeping continues]
[beeping stops]
I thought you said
they weren't assless.
Oh, he changed. He changed.
[Paul] Are you like actually
okay with it though?
Paul Baker, there is nothing
wrong with bringing a plus one.
Also, if Jules is important
to you, she's important to me.
Oh, my God, I don't know.
I was I was concerned
you'd be, like
I don't know, feel weird
about it or something?
I don't know.
-What? Paul Baker
-I know. I know, I know.
Just
I've never done, like,
old friends meeting
new friends, and I just
-but of course
you're okay with that.
-Duh.
-I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
-It's okay.
-Pardon my reach.
-Oh. Thank you.
[Paul] Huh.
[clicks tongue]
Share, 'cause you got more.
-Anyway,
Jules is gonna love me.
-She is.
I just hope she's not
intimidated seeing me
in my element.
-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.
-Ready?
-Yeah. Uh-huh.
-Watch this.
-Okay.
X year, Barclays Center,
I'm tits out next to Jane Fonda
in a way she does not like.
[laughs] So, I've been
going to these protests
for a very long time,
and I can tell there's
a new alpha in charge,
and Jane can tell too.
-How's it going?
-Hmm?
Oh. Bad. I signed up
for this job,
sort of outfit first.
Hmm.
Do you muddle olives?
I walk up, she starts
throwing punches at me,
and I'm like,
"Hey, whoa."
Dodging, dodging,
and before I know it, boom!
Down she goes.
-Old bitch.
-[both laugh]
-I know.
-[laughs]
Oh, my God. Oh, my
[Mr. Teacher laughing]
Oh, my God.
You're the You're just the
strangest little Mexican boy
I've ever seen.
[laughs]
-Wait, what?
-[doorbell rings]
-Oh, that's Jules.
-Oh, yay.
-You made it!
-[Jules] I did!
-Oh, my God.
-I'm so sorry I'm late.
-No.
-Like, a reunion thing
ran late,
-and everyone wanted
a picture with me.
-[Paul] Oh, this is fun.
-[Jules] That's for you.
-That's Jules?
[grunts]
-Oh, my God.
Foxy J in our house.
-Mm-hmm. In the house.
[gasps, squeals]
It's Julia Fox.
[chuckles] What?
Hi, uh Um, hi. [chuckles]
You guys know Jules?
Okay, Samir, service.
Anton, wine.
Uh, Paul Baker, come
and help me reach tall things.
-This dinner is live,
people. Go.
-[Anton] Julia, come with me.
When I read your memoir,
I was like, wait,
this is literally me.
-Every page.
-Oh, my God! You read my book?
-[Anton] Of course, my love.
-[Jules] I love you.
I love you.
[Anton] Okay, so, wait.
[chuckles] I think we are
very similar.
-Julia Fox is on
my parents' couch.
-I know.
Julia Fox is on my parents'
couch. The Uncut Gems girl's
on my parents' couch.
-I know.
-She knows Sandler.
I know, Samir, but we're fine.
This is why we prepped. [sighs]
And then I was just like,
"You know what?
You're not a socialist,
and this isn't even
your private jet!"
[all laugh]
That is so funny, babe.
-Do you need help?
-No, no, you're good, girl.
You keep eating.
Is the chicken in there?
-Yeah.
-Oh, nice.
[screams]
Looks so yum.
-You okay, Iss?
-Totally.
I mean, did Paul Baker bring
the A-plus-plus-plus version
of me
to this party? Sure.
And did I always dream
that we would meet getting
arrested together
at Art Basel? Totally.
But you know, now here she is
on my night, being interesting
all over the sofa.
-[Billie] Oh, Iss.
-[Iss] Yeah.
We had to land, um, in Athens.
-[Anton] You landed early?
-Yeah.
-Oh, shit.
-What?
Huh? Oh, nothing.
He's We're good.
Huh? Oh, nothing.
He's We're good.
Come on. Don't do this
to me, Samir, okay? I'm trying
to conquer a chicken.
Come on. Don't do this
to me, Samir, okay? I'm trying
to conquer a chicken.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just-Just one second.
It's good.
[Issa] Hey, Jules,
crab dip is dairy free!
I got you, girl.
Hey. [panting]
-Hey.
-Hey.
-You okay?
-Yeah, we're all good, Samir.
That's the whole point.
Okay, right. Yeah.
Oh. [chuckles]
The old yearbook.
She really came into herself
after the Mets' braces, huh?
[Issa laughs] So funny.
I have to end it with her.
-What?
-Oh, fuck.
-Hold on.
-What the fuck am I doing?
Oh, man, what the fuck
am I doing? This girl
was a child. [gasps]
-No.
-I'm dating a child.
No, no, no, no, no,
you can't You can't
think like that.
Everyone
Everyone was a child.
Just breathe, okay?
You can't do this.
You just gotta breathe.
You're not thinking clearly.
No, no, this is the most clear
a person could or could not be.
Please, please
don't do this tonight.
You make her happy.
You make her so happy.
And she told me that.
She told me
that you make her happy.
[Italian accent]
And she make me chicken.
What?
[sighs]
Okay. Um
-[Samir] Hey. Hey, Bills?
-Hey.
Hey, just real quick, I, uh
I don't think you should
be dating this guy.
I think he's a sick man.
I think he's sick in the head.
Samir, what?
[stutters] I just think he's
fucking unhinged. I think
Okay, where is this
coming from?
Well, Julia Fox
ate all the crab dip.
-Did you change?
-[Issa sighs]
What? No.
I've been wearing this.
I fixed my hair.
I just Bills, I really
I don't think you should
be with this guy. In fact
Hey, I think you should
break up with him.
Oh, my Oh, oh Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Samir,
is this bringing up feelings?
What feelings?
From 10th grade when you
asked me out, but I said no
because I was secretly
hooking up with Tyler Parcell.
This doesn't have anything
to do with Tyler Parcell.
Or his Porsche?
His dad's Porsche? It doesn't
have anything to do with that.
-[timer rings]
-I worry that you're doing
that thing
where you put all your eggs
in one basket, in the cart
before the horse. Yeah.
-Oh, my God.
-[sizzling]
I'm doing it.
[chuckles]
Yeah. Yeah, it looks great.
[screams]
We all hang out
in Lorne's office. It's so fun.
No one actually watches
the show, but there are
a lot of celebrities there.
Like who?
You guys should just
come with me next Saturday.
-To SNL?
-Yes.
Oh, my God, I mean me
and Bowen, we're doing bits?
-I think we have to.
-I think he's single.
-Hey. Can I talk to you?
-What?
Yeah, I met Emma Stone
last week.
[chuckles] I loved Easy A.
Whoa, hey, what?
Why would you bring a plus one?
I am your girlfriend.
I am your plus one.
-But I asked you,
like, 50 times.
-[groans]
How do you even know her?
You barely have a cell phone.
No. It's Jules. We volunteer
together for Meals on Wheels.
She's Meals, I'm Wheels.
No. It's Jules. We volunteer
together for Meals on Wheels.
She's Meals, I'm Wheels.
Oh, wow. So, now you have your
own sick little pet names
for each other.
Oh, wow. So, now you have your
own sick little pet names
for each other.
-Oh, my God.
-That's amazing, Paul Baker.
Iss, come on.
You were gonna do this
no matter who I brought.
-That is not true.
-Yes
You brought Julia Fox.
God. Do you ever go
on the fucking Internet?
-Wait, have you been to jail?
-Not, like, real jail.
Just, like, a holding cell.
[♪"Sunny" plays on speakers]
-[Jules] Oh.
-Whoa. [chuckles]
[Jules] O-Okay.
[♪song continues]
♪Sunny ♪♪
♪Yesterday my life
was filled with rain ♪♪
Whoo!
♪Sunny ♪♪
[Billie chuckles] Oh, my God.
-Hi, baby.
-[chuckles]
I like it when
you call me baby.
Infant.
Mmm?
I wish I had no knowledge.
♪Thank you
For the love you
brought my way ♪♪
♪Sunny one so true,
I love you ♪♪
[Billie chuckles]
[distorted] ♪Sunny ♪♪
-[Billie chuckles]
-I have to tell you something.
And I have to make the slaw.
No, I do. I really have
to tell you something.
[normal] ♪Thank you
For the facts from A to Z ♪♪
-[Anton] Whoo!
-[Jules] Top me off, baby.
I will, babe.
-[finger snaps]
-Hey. I've read half your book.
Fuck yeah, you did.
-Whoo!
-Whoo!
-Come on, dance with me.
-No, thanks.
♪I love you ♪♪
-Wow, Bills.
-Oh, my God. Unbelievable.
Oh, my God.
-Wow.
-Wow.
[chuckles]
-[glass clinking]
-If I may,
I'd like to make a toast.
-[glass clinking]
-If I may,
I'd like to make a toast.
Oh, my God. Please. [chuckles]
Oh, my God. Please. [chuckles]
To Paul Baker. Thank you
for inviting me here tonight.
[Paul] Of course.
And I'd like to recite a line
from my favorite poem.
[whispers] Oh, wow.
"Live thy life, young and old,
like yon oak, bright in spring,
living gold."
To all of you.
-[all] Aw.
-[Paul] Cheers.
Oh, wait, um, I actually
have a toast as well.
[clears throat] Uh, it's a poem
that I wrote myself, uh,
and it's called,
-"Bleached Eyebrows
Aren't a Personality."
-[Paul] Okay.
It goes "poor, poor girl
bleached her eyebrows
at home"
Okay, toasting's done.
Toasting's done.
Well, actually I'd like
to say something to Billie.
-Aw.
-No, no. Sorry, nope.
Toasting's over.
Sorry, we're all
very hungry, right?
-Samir.
-Yeah,
she said toasting's over.
-Too many toasts is tacky
at this point.
-[Billie] We can do one more.
Yeah? Then can I just toast you
in the kitchen? Real quick?
-What?
-Paul Baker,
can I toast you upstairs?
No, no, no, no more toasts.
No more toasts.
We have a celebrity here. Okay?
Let's make her proud.
[chuckles]
Babe, do you want
to do the honors?
Mmm. Oh, yeah.
Wow, yes, thank you.
Great. Wow.
-Huh? What a thing of beauty.
-[squeals]
-It really looks great, Bills.
-It does.
Okay, here we go.
[Issa shrieks]
Oh, my God.
[Mr. Teacher] Mmm. Oh, yeah.
-[Anton] Oh, my
-[groans]
Did-Did she forget
to thaw that out?
You have to thaw it?
-Wow, gorgeous.
-[Issa] Oh.
-Wow, gorgeous.
-[Issa] Oh.
Nice bit of skin for you, sir.
Nice bit of skin for you, sir.
-She's a toughie bird.
-[Issa gasps]
-How hungry are you, Julia?
-Not at all.
I'm actually vegan.
-That's a nice piece.
-[Jules] Oh. Oh.
[stammers]
For our beautiful chef.
Bit of skin.
Wait, wait, wait. Wait,
everyone. Wait. Listen.
Au jus first.
-[Issa] No.
-[Samir groans]
And for you, my hallucination.
-[Jules stammers]
-[Anton gasps]
[Issa gasps]
[Mr. Teacher grunts]
All right, everyone. Tuck in.
Mmm.
I'll just try a little bit.
[Billie gasps]
-[all groaning]
-[Paul] Oh, my God.
-[Mr. Teacher moaning]
-Oh, my
The sides are usually
the best part, but not tonight.
[all groan]
-[Anton] Oh, my God.
-Oh.
[Mr. Teacher]
That's delicious.
He He's on ketamine.
Pony dose.
I
Tonight was supposed to be
[Issa, Jules scream]
-I guess no one
says grace anymore!
-[Anton] Oh, my God.
[Mr. Teacher breathing heavily]
-[Issa, Billie, Jules
scream, gasp]
-[Samir] Whoa!
Do you guys have a bathroom?
Just unlock the door, okay?
I can drive you home.
[Mr. Teacher]
No! I'm the sick housemate!
Why wouldn't you tell me
he was on ketamine?
I'd said
I said that he's unhinged.
[Mr. Teacher]
I am the Chandler of the group.
I'm funny!
You know what, I don't care.
I'm going in.
-No, no, Samir, stop. Samir.
-Yeah, yeah. Yes. Yes.
Hey, dickhead, you can't treat
my friend like that. All right?
You're in my house.
Samir! You live
in your childhood home.
You sleep in your childhood bed
ensconced in the same walls
where you first discovered
your penis.
You're not a man
of the house, Samir.
You are Eloise.
You fuck
-Bro, get the fuck
out of my house, man.
-Samir, Samir. Stop.
-He's clearly going
through something.
-Yeah, clearly he's going
-Why are you making excuses
for this guy?
-I'm not making excuses.
You're being crazy.
-I'm being crazy?
I'm being crazy?
-Yeah, you're being crazy.
-He's
He's breaking up with you.
-Yeah.
What?
He told me
he-he's breaking up with you.
He told me.
Is that true?
Billie, I think you might be
my rock bottom.
[Samir] Hey.
-No, no, no, hey, hey, hey.
-What the fuck?
He's a fucking
40-year-old loser.
[Billie] He's 42.
-I can give him the weird milk.
-[snorts]
We gotta get this guy
the fuck out of here.
[Samir] Is that his phone?
-Which room?
-He's in the shower.
Jesus Christ.
[sighs] Okay.
[Mr. Teacher shouting]
-Medic?
-Ex-wife.
[Mr. Teacher
continues shouting]
She didn't take her shoes off.
We're past shoes off.
Hey.
[Mr. Teacher]
Hillary, are you
Yeah, I'm here now, apparently.
Jesus Christ.
[Mr. Teacher sobbing]
I'm not doing very good.
-[Hillary] Oh, you're damp.
-Yeah.
-[Hillary] Get your stuff.
Let's go.
-Let's go.
Yeah, yeah.
Do you want to come with us
to the hospital?
Oh, no. We broke up.
So did we.
You must hate me
right now. [chuckles]
Did he call you
his rock bottom?
Maybe he's yours too.
-Okay, time to go.
Say bye to Billie.
-[coughs] Goodbye, Billie.
Billie, say bye to Andrew.
Bye.
Okay.
[Hillary] Easy does it.
-[Andrew] Can we stop
for Taco Bell?
-No.
The whole fucking time
I'm trying to remember
this guy's name. Andrew.
-[Billie snorts]
-[Samir laughs]
[sighs] I-I'm-I'm sorry, Julia.
This night has been so
[breathes deeply] I feel like
I've been my worst self
around you.
You know, listen,
I don't know you,
-I don't know your name
-It's Issa.
but as Paul's friend,
you're better than this.
Go wash your face.
I would love to do this.
-No. I'm not
coming back out here.
-[clears throat] Yeah.
I learn from my mistakes
and you should too.
But I can follow you back
on Instagram. What's your
name again?
But I can follow you back
on Instagram. What's your
name again?
Do you wanna just put it in?
Do you wanna just put it in?
-Oh, your ride's, it's in
-Oh, shit. My car's here.
It was really nice to meet you,
Tina, and I hope you get
well soon, okay?
Just hang in there.
-Bye.
-B-Bye.
Fuck Mr. Teacher.
-Fuck Mr. Teacher.
-[imitating Andrew] Eloise.
I'm fucking
I'm Mr. Salomone, bitch.
-He manages the plaza.
-Ah.
I should have said that.
It would have been so good.
I thought Issa was on dishes?
Yeah, "was" being
the key word there.
[Anton] Well, I got you.
-So who else do you know?
-I was just thinking
about that.
There's this woman Scarlett
at my gym that I'm
pretty close with.
I know she's an actress, so
Jesus Christ.
[Paul] Oh, and Kenny.
I play chess with Kenny.
[Anton] No,
I think that's just Kenny.
-[Paul] Oh, hey, Bills.
-How are you, my love?
I'm good. Yeah, I'm good.
[screams]
[♪"Sunny" plays]
♪Yesterday my life
was filled with rain ♪♪
♪Sunny ♪♪
♪You smiled at me
And really eased the pain ♪♪
♪The dark days are gone
And the bright days are here ♪♪
♪My sunny one
shines so sincere ♪♪
♪Sunny one so true,
I love you ♪♪
♪Sunny ♪♪
♪Thank you for the truth
you let me see ♪♪
♪Sunny ♪♪