AfterMASH (1983) s01e06 Episode Script

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Good morning, Father.
Good morning.
Glad to see you all, etc.
Wonderful.
Be it duly noted that the weekly staff
meeting commenced at 7.02, M.
D'Angelo presiding and accounted for.
Let's not waste precious seconds with the reading
of last week's minutes, all in favor of All right.
Waving same.
Motion carried.
We're moving now.
Old business?
No.
New business?
If it pleases the court, I'd like to hear
those minutes.
Wait a minute.
What's he doing here?
Sir, this is a meeting of the hospital staff.
It does not concern the patient.
Sorry, Bob.
Sure.
I'm a nice guy to have around when there's
a Kaiser chewing on your butt.
Where were we?
Oh, mired in new business.
Is there any?
Yes, I have a concern.
Good.
Could you save it, Father?
Before we deal with religious matters, we
have to take care of the medical concerns.
Yesterday, I received an offer from the
Eloise Marshall School of Dance,
volunteering several of her
instructresses to come by
Friday night and stage a
dance with and for the patients.
Now, I feel so strongly about the prose of
this proposal that I must speak my mind.
Social interaction is the very bedrock of
our nation.
What am I looking at?
It's a request from the Eloise Marshall
School of Dance to send instructresses,
and they use the term loosely,
to hold a dance for the patients.
From your tone, I don't think I like this,
do I?
You hate it with every fiber of my being.
Do I know why?
Sir, this is a cheap promotional
tool, not to mention the fact
that men cooped up in a hospital,
suddenly exposed to women.
Puts them in a certain
state, hormonally speaking,
which is most counterproductive,
and not a pretty sight.
They get a dance.
We get teeth marks on the nursing staff.
Mayor Hammock on the phone for you,
sir.
I'm not in.
Shall I take it?
It's up to you.
Well, it is for me.
Duane, long time, dot, dot, dot.
How's the first lady?
Good.
So, what can I do you for?
Yes, I did.
I have it right here before me.
Oh, you do?
I didn't know you knew Eloise.
Oh, okay, I still don't.
You pony.
Well, of course, we're going to go ahead
with it.
My job here is to get people back on their feet, and
a dance like this is two steps in the right direction.
Thank you.
Now, if there aren't any more issues,
maybe we could get on to breakfast.
Next week, Father, first thing.
Sir, I have a topic.
Yes, certainly, Miss Cox.
I want to discuss certain salacious reading
matter and its suitability for hospital distribution.
My subject was emergency housing.
Please, Father.
It seems that the book in question,
From Here to Eternity, and just the title
diminishes me, has infiltrated General
Pershing.
As senior member of the library committee,
I have used my discretionary power to ban
the aforementioned smuts from the
premises.
But due to certain people undercutting me,
the book is still around.
I won't mention names.
They know who they are.
Hello.
Mr. Klinger?
Busy?
Just reading From Here to Eternity.
Now, those guys had fun in the army.
The closest I ever got to Hawaii was when
I dug latrines.
Sorry, I meant bathrooms in the ground.
I saw the movie of the same book.
I love Montgomery Cliff.
You know, Mr. Klinger, you sort of remind
me of him.
Really?
You're both dark and those see-all,
know-all eyebrows.
So, Bonnie, is there something you wanted?
I brought you the 10v10.
From September.
You didn't have to come all the way down
here.
You could have just fired him through the
pneumatic tube.
I thought this would be faster.
Montgomery Cliff, huh?
Mr. Klinger, question.
Do you get a certain perverse joy out of
keeping your fellow workers from doing their job?
Come in.
Miss Hornbeck has a desk full of
responsibilities which she cannot perform
when you're constantly luring her here for
purposes unknown but undoubtedly libertine.
Miss Cox.
You're not involved in this.
I'd better go back to my desk.
Is she excused, Mr. Klinger?
Believe me, nothing happened and I promise
it won't happen again.
This kind of behavior certainly doesn't
surprise me.
Especially when I see the kind of material
you choose to read.
This book is banned at General Pershing.
Who banned it?
I did.
And I'm not the only one.
The United States Navy did.
And those men talk like sailors.
Another example.
The fall of Rome.
Standards were loosened, moral corruption
ensued, and the result?
A land teeming with Italians.
I beg your pardon?
I'm Italian.
I meant that in the European sense, sir.
Oh.
Okay.
Look around for a point, Miss Cox.
It is my belief that this book's availability
on the premises ignites that kind of behavior.
Miss Cox, your belief is a family-sized
sack of Minnesota marbles.
Colonel, I have personally witnessed examples of said
same rival behavior right here in these sterile halls.
I think the men have a right to decide
what they want to read.
Hell, that was one of the things they were
supposed to be fighting for.
Let me make my point by reading a random
passage.
The randomer, the better.
Page 325.
The adulterers, Karen and Warden, are
together in a cheap motel room in Waikiki.
And I quote, You laugh beautifully,
my darling, Karen murmured sleepily,
and you make love beautifully, too.
When you love me, I feel as if I were a
goddess being worshipped.
A white goddess to the savage,
and you the savage, carefully restrained
in worship, but with file teeth and a big
golden ring in your ear.
He lay on his back in a sweated bed,
staring contentedly at the ceiling.
And now the headlines at 7.30.
American troops land on the North African
coast.
General Eisenhower first.
Mildred, your loving dog face is waiting.
Oh, Missy.
It cost me $15 at the PX.
You got your money's worth.
I'll be imagining you in that dress for
God knows how long to come.
Sun's going down, I got a couple of
verners on ice, and the door's locked.
Only five hours, and you'll be gone.
I don't want to think about it.
I can't help it.
Let me get you a little Tommy Dorsey.
Courageous forces of General McCartney continue
to hold out on the island of Sorry, it's a big war.
Oh, blame it on the radio, it gets lousy
programs.
You know, when I get back, I think we
should give up the army, find ourselves a
little place like this on some beach, throw
away the clocks, and make up for lost time.
What do you think?
I like it.
I liked it when you said it in 1916, too.
This war, I mean it.
Five hours.
Not much time.
Time enough.
I can't think of a better way to remember
this night.
Me either.
Shall we?
Be kind.
Some.
Evening, isn't it?
Who'd ever think that Wildwood,
New Jersey could be this beautiful?
Mm-hmm.
Quiet!
Enough!
End of discussion.
I have made a decision.
There's something you can tell your
grandchildren yourself.
I hereby appoint Father Mulcahy and his
capacity as higher authority authority to
read this damn book and settle it once and
for all.
I think that's fair.
Thank you.
Father, it's a good time I put my foot
down.
All right.
I'll give it a look.
Page 325 has certainly piqued my interest.
There.
Oh, come on, Alma.
We should have more important things to discuss
than a bunch of love slaves who are obviously healthy.
Yeah, we've been here 47 minutes and we
haven't discussed one matter medical.
47 minutes?
Ye gods, I have a groundbreaking at eight
at the new Rexall Drug.
I'm the honorary shovel.
Meeting adjourned.
I don't know why we come to these.
It's the same thing every week.
Just like the army.
You read the book?
No, I saw the movie.
Me too.
Lots of people think I look a little like
Montgomery Clift.
You?
Well, I'm much taller and lighter.
Can I buy you a cup of coffee or a sweet
roll?
Not both.
Sorry, I'm very busy.
When won't you be?
I'm encouraged.
Hi, I've got time for a cup of coffee if
you have.
Sorry, Bonnie, I gotta get upstairs.
How about in your office then?
Bonnie, you're a sweet kid.
And it's not that I don't find you attractive,
especially in that Argyle sweater you wore last Tuesday.
It's just that I'm married.
I'm not only married, I love my wife.
You're the most loyal, devoted,
wonderful man I've ever met.
And believe me, you don't want that.
Sorry if I got your feathers ruffled,
Miss Cox.
I was fine.
The veins in your neck were bulging out
like handrails.
I was fine, Colonel.
Better than that, I cannot be.
By the by.
What do you see?
What do you see over there?
I don't know, my clerk and your clerk,
talking clerk talk.
I see a married man fraternizing with a
vulnerable single young woman.
Really?
Are they dressed?
Laugh.
I suppose all of you are laughing inside.
But Mark my words, Colonel, I will not allow the
activity in my hospital to go from here to eternity.
Boy, Miss Cox is certainly in a tizzy.
Nothing a good strong laugh.
A laxative wouldn't set straight.
Do I care?
Hi there.
These cost me the square meal I had
planned for Saturday.
That's very nice, but please don't bother.
Oh, no bother.
I'd like to take you out.
Maybe dinner, maybe a movie, not both.
Not interested.
Marigolds.
You residents are all alike.
You think a girl will just throw herself
at your feet for a lousy bunch of flowers.
These are a dime a bud.
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think I am?
Margie Dixon?
Who's Margie Dixon?
From the pharmacy.
Everybody's little Margie.
She's a pushover for doctors.
Could I have those back?
You won't need them with Margie.
Finally, it pays to be a doctor.
Mr. D'Angelo, the mayor's wife is on the
phone for you.
Alma, take that.
She just stepped away from her desk.
Darn, why does she do that?
She knows when I'm here, I want her here.
So I don't have to be here?
Will she and Mrs. Hammock call you back
and talk to you when you're not here?
Oh, what the hell?
I'm here.
Good morning, Cynthia.
Cynthia Hammock.
I haven't seen you since your late dad's
funeral.
The bigger they are, the nicer they are.
And I mean that about your dad, too.
So what's up?
Eloise Marshall?
She is?
Fooling around with your best friend's
hubby?
Well, we can't have a woman
like that staging a dance in a
day room that your good
family supplied the linoleum for.
It's over.
My pleasure.
Well, our dental department's always
needy.
I'd sure like to see your name over a spit
sink.
Goodbye, Mrs. Mayor.
Bonnie?
Is Alma back?
Yes, she is.
Alma, I just received a call from the
mayor.
The mayor's wife.
Seems Eloise Marshall is an undesirable,
i.e.
saving the last dance all over town.
That doesn't surprise me.
I could tell from her letter.
Vis-a-vis our read this call, I want our
Friday night shindig canceled.
That's impossible, sir.
We've alerted all the patients.
They're all looking forward to it.
The patients?
God bless them.
Don't count here.
What counts is that woman's bank account.
But you can't promise the patients
something and then just take it away.
Why not?
We'll have complaints from their
committee, the VSW, and the American Legion.
Next thing, Washington will be serving you
with an apple in your mouth.
Damn it, Alma.
Why didn't you warn me about this earlier?
Sir, when you said the dance was on,
I assumed that didn't mean off.
Don't assume.
Anticipate.
Sir.
Alma, you've put me in some kind of ringer
here.
I must tell you, I'm very disappointed in
you.
Profoundly, deeply, densely disappointed.
Miss Hornbeck, I'll be taking the rest of
the day off.
Oh, Miss Cox.
And there'll be none of these.
They're just flowers.
Married flowers.
They're not for Mr. Klinger.
Who then?
Father Mulcahy that noted Lothario?
I don't understand why you
continue to cover for a man who's
obviously only interested
in your brick house features.
Hello?
Margie Dixon?
Hi.
This is Dr. Gene Pfeiffer, M.D., surgical resident
here at General Pershing, where I'm a doctor.
I thought maybe when I got done being a
doctor today, could I take you out to dinner?
The operating room?
830?
No, that would be fine, Margie.
What do you look like?
Oh, it doesn't matter.
Well, see you then.
And thank you.
Woo-hoo!
Hello, Father Mulcahy.
Oh, yes, Father Treanor.
Ah, all things downtown.
I understand your novenas are really
packing them in.
Tomorrow afternoon?
Yeah, sure, I can fill in for you.
Ah, 427L.
Right, right, the building with the big
cross.
Ah, I'd be happy to.
Nothing ever happens around here.
Nursing supervisor to ward 2B.
Nursing supervisor, ward 2B.
Margie.
Hold on.
Open.
Hi, dear.
Margie Dixon.
Dr. Gene Pfeiffer, you can call me.
Do it.
This is going to work out.
I love it in here.
We're surrounded by all this equipment and
these hands that have the power of life and death.
Why don't you get out of those
uncomfortable things?
No, leave the coat on.
I want you to know that next to my father,
you're the most wonderful person I've ever met.
I can't breathe.
And what do we have here?
Well, Miss Dixon, say goodbye to that
pesky mole.
Yeah.
Just who do you think you're fooling?
Miss Cox, it's not what you think.
Yes, we're in love.
They wouldn't listen to me.
Perhaps now they will.
Doctor, your butt is mine.
An operating room.
What a filthy place to pick.
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
Huh?
I'm sorry, what'd you say?
Sin.
I have sinned.
Oh, yes, of course.
I don't know where to turn.
Oh, Father, the things that are going on
around me.
My sweet, albeit dumb, secretary is being
pursued by a married man.
Then last night I found two employees, coupled,
like a pair of Brandy schnauzers in a hospital.
Can you imagine that going on in a
hospital?
A VA hospital.
Shocking.
Shh, shocking.
Positively shocking.
Well, the individuals I can ruin.
That's no problem.
But all that carnality.
What's happened?
Where's love?
I seem to be the only one who believes in
it.
What good does it do me?
I'm in love with my supervisor,
but he's still in love with his ex-wife.
That tramp.
I could be all that more if he'd let me.
But after Black yesterday, he reprimanded
me.
Me.
I understand your distress, but where have
you sinned?
Last night I was in such a state of
turmoil, I couldn't eat or sleep.
So I went to a movie.
Unfortunately, the only one playing in
town was From Here to Eternity.
And as I watched, I pictured myself on the
beach, doing you-know-what with the man I love.
Oh, the waves tried in vain to cool our
passion.
Why don't they put a window in these
things?
Give that movie a wide berth, Father.
As it so happens, I know the book.
It's filth, right?
Well, I was involved in the army myself,
even been through a war.
Although I can't condone adultery, et
cetera, I found the book to be quite faithful.
You're a priest.
You are above these things.
My dear, you can't punish yourself for
involuntary thoughts.
Just my having them is as horrible as
doing them.
I must be punished.
Very well.
For your penance, if you want to be
forgiven, you must forgive someone else.
That's it?
Just forgive.
Do I have any other choices?
You came to me.
And without further ado, the big band's
out.
The Paul Zetinsky and the orchestra.
What's going on?
Don't they know this dance is for them?
Easy, Mike.
These boys don't like being on display.
I think they'd feel better if they thought
this dance was for all of us.
Ginger?
Fred.
Can we get him to play our song tonight?
Why not?
You're wearing our dress.
Miss Cox, good idea, this dance.
Gives all of us a chance to let our hair
down a little.
I used to pray, Father.
Mine doesn't go down.
Dr. Pfeiffer.
Why don't you just do it, Miss Cox?
Report me already.
Don't leave me lying around like a wounded
animal.
Today's been the worst day of my life.
I'm not going to report you, Doctor.
I'm going to forget everything I saw.
The whole business?
Quite simply, you are forgiven.
Don't ever let it happen again.
Thank you.
Hence to yourself, I've heard.
Hence to yourself.
You're wonderful.
You try.
Mr. Klinger?
Miss Cox.
Have you met my wife, Soon-Lee?
This is Miss Cox.
Oh, yes.
The big foil.
Fine.
So nice to meet you, too.
Mr. Klinger, please don't take this
personally.
But I would like to apologize.
Apologize to you for my accusations of
yesterday.
I believe I was being overly suspicious.
And I'm sorry.
Good evening.
How about that?
Korea may someday fade from my memory,
but this moment never will.
What was she talking about?
Suspicious of what?
Oh, nothing.
Hospital business.
No, it had to be something.
Believe me, honey, it was nothing.
Let's dance.
Leaving so soon, Miss Cox?
I've been here long enough.
Good night.
Alma, where are you going?
You're not leaving without dancing with
me, are you?
I didn't know you were going to ask.
Anticipate.
There it is, our song.
Really?
I thought our song was in Der Fuhrer's
face.
She thought I was after her secretary.
I don't understand.
Why do you need a secretary?
That's exactly what I said.
Alma, I've never seen them so happy.
This was the best way to handle it.
I've been thinking of just how to thank
you properly, and I found it.
Sir?
Next staff meeting, those thanks are going
into the minutes.
Oh, Mr. D., I don't know what to say.
Don't go away.
We'll be right back.
You always worry.
Senior ads in the paper.
You give lessons?
Well, I
Well, I do.
Hold on to whatever you don't want to
lose, girl.
Well, is that more?
The boy fell off the bluff, half naked and
beat up.
I don't think it was an accident.
For six hours in November.
That boy's dead.
Keeps on CBS.
Now stay tuned as Stephanie's ex is on his
way and a shaggy dog decides to stay on Newhart.
Next.